Farting in Public

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Sep 01 - 05:25 PM

years ago, my ex-wife and I were standing in the den talking to a friend..(TOTALLY forget who now..)...when suddenly, I felt a buildup of gas in my nether regions...and *brrrrrraaappp*...I let loose with an enormous fart!...well, there was this awkward pause, as I tried to summon some apology...when, from my wife there came this tiny little *poot*..about .072% the size of mine. She looked up innocently, and with a perfectly straight face says, "It took me a minute to think of the answer."

....it is still one of the best imprompteau lines I have heard...

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Jane2001
Date: 27 Sep 01 - 06:28 PM

When my daughter was in her teens, she and her friends displayed highly laudable scientific interest in the combustible nature of farts. I told them how to collect them by displacement of water so that they could carry out their experiments in safety. Years later they told me that they used to keep jam jars of farts in various stages of ripeness inside their desks to be unleashed at suitable moments.

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: VoxFox
Date: 27 Sep 01 - 06:58 PM

OH MY GAWD, I'm dying here Bill. Tears are rolling down my face and my hands are shaking so much I can hardly type.That has to be the best ever. Wait, I have to clean the spittle off my screen. Ok, done now, oooops, guess not. I'm sure glad I didn't have beans for supper. VF

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 27 Sep 01 - 07:07 PM

Jane, I can well believe it of the girls.....*GRINS*

Great thread folks, btw...had me in fits of laughter time & time again!

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: 53
Date: 27 Sep 01 - 07:15 PM

fart while you are in church and the preacher is praying, you know one of thos #4 farts. bob

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: rangeroger
Date: 27 Sep 01 - 08:45 PM

The way to tell if a woman is wearing panty hose is her ankles swell when she farts.

rr

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: AliUK
Date: 27 Sep 01 - 09:22 PM

I remember one time when I was singing at a club near my home town and let rip in the middle of a very poigniant moment of the song. The acoustics were wonderful at that club...the ale too.

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Sep 01 - 10:54 PM

I used to go with a girl who was a farter - had no problems just letting it out. Pretty interesting I must say - it only flipped me out when I realized that she inherited this gift from her father AND mother. Nothing weirder than your girfriend's mom farting on purpose in front of you!

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 02:29 AM

I knew my best friend's family and I were going to get on real well when her mother let loose a 'calico ripper' and DIDN'T blame the dogs! (For the term calico ripper - take a piece of calico or other tough cotton material. Rip it from end to end. Should last about 3-5 seconds and be audible in another room).

The changeover from church pews to comfortable chairs has meant the demise of the 'hymn book dropper'. That rattle or rumble down the back of the pew that makes you drop your hymn book in a desperate attempt to hide your face during the prayers, because it only happens during the prayers. Never during the loud bits. Although a certain 'trumpet voluntary' has been heard over some of the more energetic chorus type songs....

The best one I ever heard came from the arse of no less a person than the Archbishop of Canterbury himself..... Ah, the "advantages" of sitting in the choir.....

LTS

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Trevor
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 04:35 AM

This thread has me absolutely on my back, laughing like the aliens in the 'Smash' advert (USA catters - you had to be there). Have you ever noticed,when the dog farts while he's lying in front of the fire, he lifts his head and looks round, wondering where its come from before realising that it was him and going down for the big sniff. Ther's a brilliant Bill Cosby recording where he talks about being on his honeymoon and never having farted in front of his wife before. He's trying to hold on to it 'until my leg was aching'.

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Jeremiah McCaw
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 07:04 AM

Had a friend who related that he was doing yoga one day, and tried a new posture which translated as "gas relief position" and was astounded to find it very accurately labeled. Said it was so bad that even the dogs ran howling from the room!

Somewhere around the turn of the century (previous one, that is) there was a performer in the French music halls (read: "bordellos") known as "Le Petomaine" who was able to fart in pitch. I believe the "Marseillaise" was his show-stopper. ("Le Petomaine" derives from "peterade" -sp? - defined in my larousse as 1} a series of short sharp explosions; 2} a series of farts) (Even sillier sidelight: 'twas while in search for this definition that I accidently discovered the fine irony that in French the word for 'lesbian' is considered a masculine noun!)

Trivia: homage to the above was paid by Mel Brooks in "Blazing Saddles". His governor character was named "William G. Lepetomaine".

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Nancy King
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 08:05 PM

ROTFLMAO!!!

We used to have a rudimentary (I use that word advisedly) classification system: There was the Squeaker, the SBD (Silent But Deadly), the Tear-Ass Rattler, the Thunder-Rumble, etc.

Cheers, Nancy

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 08:27 PM

that's a "fundimental" system...*grin*

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 08:31 PM

Lest you all think this is a new subject to the 'Cat, please go back and read this thread.......Facts on Farts (Phartin Phenomena) which is filled with 'information'....so to speak.

For a somewhat scientific view of the art of the fart, CLICK HERE

To give an added punch to your farts, try this salsa recipe.

And of course the last rip on naming them goes to "The Crepitation Contest" between Lord Winderschmear and Paul Boomer. Chanteyranger was good enough to make a copy for me as it had been many years since I lost my vinyl to this classic.

Spaw

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: AliUK
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 08:47 PM

"I'VE FARTED"
I've farted, I've farted,
I've made my trouser cough
I've whistled in me Y-Fronts
I've just peeled one off
I've blown my bowel bugle
I've been eating beans

A gentleman tells before it smells
But I'm the kind of cheeky bugger
who lets off and doesn't let on.
I've let them off in bus queues
In phone boxes and trains
and when they stink the people blink and blame it on the drains.


I've farted, I've farted,
I've made my trouser cough
I've whistled in me Y-Fronts
I've just peeled one off
I've blown my bowel bugle
I've been eating beans Bubbles in the bath
real rip snorters
up on one cheek and hope it don't make a noise
window rattlers
cushion creamers
don't shake your leg and keep it in your couderoys


I've farted, I've farted,
I've made my trouser cough
I've whistled in me Y-Fronts
I've just peeled one off
I've blown my bowel bugle
I've been eating beans
that snippet of song comes from a boyhood summer cackling to a record of IVOR BIGGUN AND THE RED NOSED BURGLERS that I found in my uncle's record collection, and unfortunately that's all I can remember of it.

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: AliUK
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 08:50 PM

For some reason the end of the chorus got cut of each time. here it is in full

I've farted, I've farted,
I've made my trouser cough
I've whistled in me Y-Fronts
I've just peeled one off
I've blown my bowel bugle
I've been eating beans

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: AliUK
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 08:52 PM

*sheesh* here's the last line again

I've broken wind, I've dropped my guts
open the window please

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 09:07 PM

Of course if you can't be there to fart with your friends in public, SEND THEM A FART!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 09:15 PM

My parents rescued an old golden labrador from a dog rescue centre: we soon realised why he had been abandoned by his former owners ( sounds just like Trvor's dog too )

25 years ago I had the misfortune to work with an anaesthetist whose nickname was SBD (silent but deadly): his patients probably didn't need much nitrous oxide or halothane!

Another medical colleague has this theory, which he asserted loudly at a meeting I went to, that no-one would be bothered with Irritable bowel syndrome if they just farted when they wanted to, and didn't hold it all in!

And I could go on, but I have to go to bed and prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmp down the bedclothes!

Tattie

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: CapriUni
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 09:20 PM

If you want to read about some Farts of Folktale, click here ...Maybe this could turn into a song challenge, and folks could try to write a ballad from one of these stories?

Just a thought...

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 09:43 PM

A friend who grew up in Massachusetts but lived in France for a time tells of how she would ask people to repeat something they'd said by saying, "Repetez, s'il vous plait" (the first two e's should have an accent aigu, but I don't know how to do it). Only she pronounced it wrong (without the accents), and she later found out she'd been asking them to "Fart again, please!" It's now a standing joke with her bilingual children.

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST,Genie
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 10:54 PM

•Here is Hamish's limerick, with line breaks added:

I sat next a duchess at tea
As emarrassing a time as could be
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenominal
And everyone thought it was me

•Actually, Mrrzy, when I was a teenager, my brother told me that was the definition of "frump."

•Fortunato,
Here's more of the song you started:

It was flatulation, I know
And it should have ended right there with that "pop."
You were passing wind, just like all your kin,
And it could have gone on all day without stopping.
It was flatulation, I know,
I could hear you over the banjos and drums.
When I took your hand for the dance, I could sense it:
Flatulation from your bum.

Here's one I started to write a couple of years ago when my nephews were at that stage where everything scatalogical was hilarious to them.

I let a fart in San Francisco,
High on a hill above the Bay.
It cleared out several Cable Cars
And upscale singles' bars--
That gaseous fog sure fouled the air!
But, who cares?
You left me there in San Francisco,
A very blue and windy me!
If I come back to you, San Francisco,
There'll be a warrant our for me!

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 11:01 PM

BTW, the reference I made above to "frump" was "someone who farts in the bathtub and bites the bubbles.

Also, here is a corrected version of the "San Francisco" parody;

I let a fart in San Francisco,
High on a hill by the Bay so fair. It cleared out several Cable Cars And upscale singles' bars-- That gaseous fog sure fouled the air! But, who cares? You left me there in San Francisco, A very blue and windy me! If I come back to you, San Francisco, There'll be a warrant out for me!

Genie (whose cookie expired after first sign-in this evening and had to be reset)

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST,Genie
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 11:02 PM

There! This time it should say "Genie" without the "guest."

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Sep 01 - 11:15 PM

The other Duchess limerick where the Duchess "scores:"

As I sat by the Duchess at tea
She asked if an eggplant I ever did see
I replied, "Yes," rather bored,
And she said, "Sir you've explored,"
Up a hen's ass much further than me!"

Spaw

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Sep 01 - 04:32 AM

Mrrzy
re bathtub -
I always heard it that if they counted the bubbles they were puff adders (UK snake)

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 29 Sep 01 - 05:06 AM

There is a distinctly apropos song, "Daddy Cut the Big One" in which each verse ends, "When Daddy cut the big one, in the Hornleg, Mississippi, da-da-da-da Baptist Church."

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST,me again
Date: 29 Sep 01 - 05:30 AM

That's the Hornleg, Mississippi, Missionary Baptist Church.

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST,Amy Canada
Date: 29 Sep 01 - 06:42 AM

While removing my clothes for a bath/ A teriible odor came into my path/ 'cause that squeak on the floor/ was a little bit more/ It was me farting up my own draft!

or

I pulled down my pants on the loo/ Just waiting and waiting to poo/ but all that came out/ was a fart with such clout/ that I fell off the pot as it grew

or

While mooning my friends in Toledo/ I ripped a hole in my borrowed tuxedo/ My friends all applauded/ my fine ass was then lauded/ for the result of a bottle of Beano

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Banjer
Date: 29 Sep 01 - 07:11 AM

Seen on a bathroom wall....

Here I sit broken hearted
Thought I'd shit but only farted!

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: VoxFox
Date: 29 Sep 01 - 10:34 AM

Here's a ditty we used to say: Here I sit brokenhearted, Paid a dime but only farted, Then I thought I'd take a chance, Saved my dime but shit my pants. LOL VH

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST,Argenine
Date: 29 Sep 01 - 02:14 PM

Folks, I think we've just about hit bottom!

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: AliUK
Date: 29 Sep 01 - 07:09 PM

Bean, beans are good for your heart. The more you eat the more you fart.
or for the american version: Beans, beans the musical fruit. the more you eat the more you toot.

here's another one for after you've belched:

Pardon me for being so rude, it was not me it was my food. It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below. If had been below my heart, then it would have been a fart..

I use that one to teach the present perfect tense to my teenage students.

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Banjer
Date: 29 Sep 01 - 07:18 PM

AliUK, Strictly in the interest of furthering the education and forming of the young minds you work with I offer the rest of the first ditty:

Beans, beans, good for your heart,
The more you eat the more you fart,
The more you fart the better you feel,
Let's have beans for every meal!

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST
Date: 29 Sep 01 - 07:27 PM

It's amazing this thing that we've started/ Knowing at times we've all have farted/ But praise I do say/ don't send it my way/ I've got my OWN smells I've discarded

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: DancingMom
Date: 30 Sep 01 - 05:59 PM

I feel better about my fart-obsessed 9- year-old son.

The Phartin Phenomena thread is hysterically funny.

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Bernard
Date: 30 Sep 01 - 07:32 PM

Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women can't keep their mouths closed long enough to build up the required pressure... (runs away giggling manically, carefully avoiding badly aimed rotten fruit...)

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: CapriUni
Date: 01 Oct 01 - 01:08 AM

Um, Bernard, you wrote

"(runs away giggling manically, carefully avoiding badly aimed rotten fruit...)"

Who said it was badly aimed?!

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST,MC Fat
Date: 01 Oct 01 - 09:57 AM

I've just put this message on the 'Nudity in Public' thread but perhaps it belongs more in here !! A few years ago whilst working for Doncaster Libraries I had a farting experience par excellance. At the time I ran the Doncaster Folk Club and this required me to drink copious quantities of rather fine Guinness every Tuesday night. Guinness as most people know is the best fart makers next to beans known to mankind. My staff hated Wednesdays we were located in a samll office with 'no windows'.My desk was located with my back to the door, I felt a real cracker coming on and lifted my backside off the chair pointing my arse into the air and let rip a real thunderer. Unfortunately I hadn't noticed that a hush had just descended on the room because the Audio Visual Librarian who also happened to be a vicar's wife was stood behind me about to ask me a question about a request for some folk music. She got full blast. After much profuse apologies I could only think of the old joke 'How dare you fart before the Vicar's wife !! Sory I didn't know it was her turn !!'

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Steve in Idaho
Date: 01 Oct 01 - 01:37 PM

Arg - you're killin me!!! ROTFLMAO - - Steve

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: kendall
Date: 01 Oct 01 - 02:03 PM

When I first saw this thread I thought, my God! is nothing off the table? Today, I was going to read the whole thing, then protest. But, far from being offensive, I have been LMAO!!

I have a Labrador retriever who likes to lay near me, and, thats ok until he farts. Then, you can not imagine a more foul odor, I swear it would knock a Hyena off a gut wagon. Plus, it makes my eyes smart, and it sets off the smoke alarm.

There once was a fella named Carter
He was a world famous farter
He could fart anything
From God Save the King
To Beethovens Moonlight Sonata.

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST,siouxsie
Date: 01 Oct 01 - 02:22 PM

An aunty of mine married an indian prince, and she was rather put out that he would never take her to any social functions. He knew a little about English "etiquate" but she didn't know much of his country's traditions. She eventually pestered him so much that he took her along to one of the dinners. There they ate a really good feast and sat farting for the rest of the night. It was considered complementary to the chef!

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: CapriUni
Date: 01 Oct 01 - 02:38 PM

Kendall --

You wrote:

"There once was a fella named Carter
He was a world famous farter
He could fart anything
From God Save the King
To Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata."

In Shakespeare's day (when they were far less prudish about these things than we were), farting a tune was a recognized, if not exzctly a respectable, skill. I believe there are a couple of lines from one of his plays that refers to this, in jest. I don't remember the lines exactly, and I can't remember if they are from "Hamlet" or from "Taming of the Shrew" (and I may be wrong in both cases), but the gist is something like this:

Man 1: And will there be musicians?
Man 2: Yes M'lord. They play wind instruments.
Man 1: Ah! Thereby hangs a tale ...

(and you thought 'Catters came up with groaners of puns! ;-))

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Oct 01 - 09:37 PM

I've been reading this thread and laughing so hard I farted myself - too bad no one else was around to enjoy it.

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Paul from Hull
Date: 01 Oct 01 - 10:03 PM

"Blow winds, & crack your cheeks!"

King Lear

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Oct 01 - 11:04 PM

Is this where the title for "Blow Ye Winds" came from? Is it truly about farting? ('Tis a joke)

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST,Helping Hand
Date: 01 Oct 01 - 11:37 PM

For all the fart and poop info you ever needed (or never needed):

www.fart.com/question.html

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: GUEST,Genie
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 03:10 AM

On one of Garrison Keillor's Prairie Home Companion Shows, in the News From Lake Woebegon, he talked about a fraternal organization (like the Moose, Elk, etc.) in which one of therir annual highlights was to fart a particular melody in unisong in front of their wives and families.
Maybe I can find the reference to that particular show. It was priceless.
Genie

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: MudGuard
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 03:11 AM

Is this where the title for "Blow Ye Winds" came from? Is it truly about farting?

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind...

Subject: RE: Farting in Public
From: Metchosin
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 04:37 AM

To turn this thread back into something music related click here