Fractured Nursery Rhymes

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Dec 20 - 09:17 AM

Hickory, dickory dock,
Two mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one...
The other ducked.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Dec 20 - 09:34 AM

The TV show Rocky and Bullwinkle featured fractured fairy tales narrated by Edward Everet Horton. It did't carry an ‘anapestic beat’

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Dec 20 - 02:15 PM

I am not even telling you which ones cracked me up.

Mary had a little lamb,
a little pork, a little jam,
a little egg on toast,
a little potted roast,
A little stew with dumplings white,
A little shad...
For Mary had
Quite a little appetite!

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Anon
Date: 22 Dec 20 - 05:31 PM

Mary had a little pig
It was forever gruntin’
So she tied it to a wooden stake
And kicked its fucking cunt in.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 05:49 AM

Hush, Hush, whisper who cares.
Christopher Robin has fallen down stairs.

Spike Milligan.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 06:59 PM

Old King Cole

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 10:09 AM

There was a little girl Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead,
When she was good she was very, very good
But when she was bad she was even better

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Apr 14 - 05:50 AM

On which subject: the mice weren't blind, but

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Apr 14 - 05:47 AM

Three blind mice
Three blind mice
See how they run

Ruddy Delhi Balti House...

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Apr 14 - 04:34 AM

The was an old woman who lived on the street
She smelled like a toilet and had nothing to eat
So she fished through a dumpster and to her surprise
Found a 3-day old burger and half eaten fries

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Apr 14 - 04:27 AM

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
So Jack's health's down pat
But his wife's the fattest bitch you've ever seen

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Apr 14 - 04:18 AM

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was coarse and hairy
She spanked her lamb so hard one day
She popped its virgin cherry

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Mar 14 - 09:14 PM

Heard at St Andrews University, 1959:

Little boy kneels by the sitting-room fire,
Little face flushed with abnormal desire.
Meow! Meow! Oh, what is that?
Christopher Robin is sodding the cat.

Chicken Charlie: The Confederate parody you mention must be the origin of a curious version of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" that I have been hearing recently at pub sings, with the rousing chorus:

Hurrah for Mary! Hurrah for the lamb!
Hurrah for the Fenian boys who do not give a damn!
And everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go,
Shouting the battle cry of freedom.

After the usual verses, it goes on:

Mary had a little lamb.
It had a sooty foot,
And everywhere that Mary went,
Its sooty foot it put.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school
Between two hunks of bread.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,dallencpa01
Date: 24 Mar 14 - 02:00 PM

Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one and killed it.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave Hunt
Date: 23 Nov 13 - 09:26 AM

Little boy sits at the foot of the stairs
Clutched in his hand a bunch of white hairs
Oh dear just fancy that
Christopher Robin's castrated the cat

Little boy kneels at the foot of the bed
Lily white hands caressing his head
Oh dear couldn't be worse
Christopher Robin is shagging his nurse

Little boy sits on the lavatory pan
Pulling and tugging his little old man
Plip- Plop - into the tank
Christopher Robin is having a wank

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,mike
Date: 23 Nov 13 - 08:32 AM

Some fractured verses from "bile them cabbage down" song

Susie ran around the bush, Georgie ran to meet her,
she pulled up her petticoat and he pulled out for Georgia.

Little timmy lives alone, he cannot get a date,
so all he does is zit around and try and master checkers.

Susie had a little watch, she swallowed it one.day.
So now she's taking laxitives to pass the time away.

The laxitive, it did not work. The time it did not pass.
so if you want to know the time, just look up Susie's uncle-he's got a watch
...all I remember.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Desi C
Date: 20 Feb 11 - 08:34 AM

Wow, what a mind you have!

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Shauna goodman
Date: 20 Feb 11 - 01:43 AM

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down on top of Jill
And now they have a daughter.

:)

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: guitar
Date: 22 May 07 - 05:19 AM

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does you garden grow
with your dog's shit how else

line from?

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Chicken Charlie
Date: 21 May 07 - 04:31 PM

Hickory-dickory-dock!
Two mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one;
    ...The other one got away clean.


Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her,
And said, "Excuse me, miss, is this seat taken?"


Tom, Tom, the piper's son,
Stole a pig and ...
    got twenty years to life.

Starkle, starkle, little twink!
Who the hell you are, I think?

Sing a song of six-pence,
A pocket full of rye--
Four and twenty blackbirds,
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
The birds began to sing,
And the king said:

[A] "Not blackbird pie again!"
[B] "Can't you keep that pie QUIET??"

There is also a Confederate version of the Union war song, "Battle Cry of Freedom" which incorporates a nursery rhyme--wonderfully ironic though not exactly falling-down-laughing humerous:

Mary had a little lamb, and its fleece was white as snow,
Shouting 'The Battle-Cry of Freedom.'
Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go;
Shouting 'The Battle-Cry of Freedom.'
Dixie forever! Hurrah, boys, hurrah!
Down with the eagle and up with the cross!
Let us rally round the flag, boys,
Rally once again,
Shout! Shout! the Battle Cry of Freedom

Chicken Charlie

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,guitar
Date: 21 May 07 - 07:49 AM

I remember when I was on holiday in Australia and myself, father, sister and Brother in law where asked at the local school quiz where my nephew went was 'what did Little miss muffet' eat, and we put curds and whey, and somelse had put the answer 'porrige' and the teachers said that the answer was porrige.

i wonder when did little miss muffet
sat on her tuffet eating her porrige
I don't remeber that line

Tom

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 May 07 - 08:30 PM

Little boy kneels by the sitting-room fire,
Little face flushed with abnormal desire.
Meow! MEOW! Oh, what is that?
Christopher Robin is sodding the cat.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Bernard
Date: 20 May 07 - 10:34 AM

Jack and Jill went up the hill
With no-one in the vicinity,
Jack came down minus half a crown
And Jill minus her pocket hankie!


The Grand Old Duke of York
He marched around the town
Sometimes with his trousers up
And sometimes with them down

And when they were up, they were up,
And when they were down, they were down,
And when they were only halfway up
He was arrested.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 May 07 - 09:32 AM

ooooo, er...

Robin...

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 May 07 - 09:26 AM

As I woke one morning, when all sweet things are born,
A robin perched upon my sill, to signal the coming morn,
He was so sweet and gentle, as softly he did sing,
Sweet thoughts of love and happiness, into my heart did spring,
He sang his song so gently, then as he paused a lull,
I gently closed the window, and crushed his fucking skull.

eric

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 May 07 - 01:55 AM

Anybody remember the "Fractured Fairy Tales" from the "Rocky & Bullwinkle TV Show"

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 19 May 07 - 06:35 PM

and the old one...

The boy stood on the burning deck
When all but he had fled
(Shouting out the battle-cry of freedom)

And when his feet were burned away
He stood upon his head
(Shouting out the battle-cry of freedom)

So hurrah for Mary! Hurrah for the lamb!
Hurrah for the little boy
Who didn't give a -

And when his feet were burned away
He stood upon his head
(Shouting out the battle-cry of freedom)

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Waddon Pete
Date: 19 May 07 - 06:20 PM

Mary had a little lamb.
She took it to a shop.
And now she has a new fur coat
And lives on mutton chop!

Mary had a metal cow.
She milked it with a spanner.
The milk came out in shilling tins
With little ones a tanner!

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Nick
Date: 19 May 07 - 05:14 PM

Hickory Dickory Dock,
Two Mice Ran Up The Clock,
The Clock Struck one
while the other escaped with minor injuries

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 May 07 - 11:55 AM

Bird vit d' jella bill
Hawped upon my vinda-sill
Cawcked a shining eye and sez:
Vatcha got for breakfast, Sam? vitches?

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: mrdux
Date: 19 May 07 - 01:10 AM

oops -- missed the prevoius posting. sorry about that.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: mrdux
Date: 19 May 07 - 01:08 AM

Hickory dickory dock
Two mice ran up her sock
One stopped at the garter
The other was smarter
Hickory dickory dock.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Muttley
Date: 18 May 07 - 10:30 PM

Little Miss Muffet
Sat oin a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
There came a big spider
who sat down bwside her
And she said "Bugger off, hairy-legs!"

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating a Christmas pie
He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
Saying: "Bugger me, that's hot!"

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does you garden grow
With horse manure - idiot!

Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four-and-twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie
When the pie was opened,
The King screamed "Off with the cooks head!"

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he
He called for a light in the middle of the night
To go to the W.C.
The light shone on the dunny door
The candle took a fit
Old King Cole fell down the hole
And came coverd in
[singing sweetly]
Sweeeet Vi-o-lets
Sweeter than the ros-es
Covered all over from head to toe
Covered all over in . . . (finish it with one word abruptly - depending on your own politeness and the audiences broad or narrow-mindedness)

Speaking of which - I'm pretty broad minded, but SPAW - go to your room!

Muttley

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 18 May 07 - 10:14 PM

Jack be quick
Jack be nimble.
Jack jump over
A phallic symbol.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 May 07 - 10:03 PM

Mary had a little watch.
She swallowed it one day.
The doctor gave her laxative
To pass the time away.
Mary took the laxative,
But the time, it would not pass,
So if you want to know the time,
You can look up Mary's aunt, who has a watch too.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,bigheff
Date: 18 May 07 - 04:45 PM

Hickory dickory doc,
that mouse it pulled me cock
when me wife found,
i hit the bitch withe me sock

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: raredance
Date: 19 Feb 06 - 06:14 PM

Hickory dickory dick
The administration is sick
Those neocon men
In the President's den
Just don't know a lick

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Feb 06 - 05:28 PM

Mary had a little lamb,
it had a sooty foot.
And into Mary's bread and jam,
its sooty foot it put.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,gr + jr
Date: 19 Feb 06 - 05:22 PM

sing a song of sixpence,
a fanny full of crabs,
sixty one black hairs,
twice as many scabs,
when the scabs open,
the puss begins to sing,
what a dirty cunt it is,
to stick a penis in!!

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Fullerton
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 08:41 AM

The grand old duke of york

       .....he had ten thousand men

             ....... and his case comes up next week.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,J C
Date: 09 Feb 06 - 04:32 AM

Mary had a little lamb,
Fond of leaps and frolics,
It did a double somersault
And landed on it's shoulder.


Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water,
Jill came down with half a crown
They didn't go up for water!

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: mack/misophist
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 09:13 PM

One that needs no enhancement is:

I do not love thee Dr Fell,
The reason why I cannot tell;
But this I know and know full well:
I do not love thee Dr Fell.
                Thomas Brown, 17th century


It has been claimed that he composed this ex tempore one day in the street when he came upon a professor who had just flunked him.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Cluin
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 08:15 PM

Hickory dickory doc
Three mice ran up my cock
They all grabbed hold
And dragged me back to their hole

And that's why you found me in that position, honestly.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 07:33 PM

Sing a song of sixpence
A pocket full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie
When the pie was opened
A shrivelled blackbird spat
"Now come on lads a joke's a joke,
What rotten sod did that?"


Rockabye baby in the treetop
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
I was that baby and what bothers me
Is why mum and dad stuck me up a tree.


From the pen of Richard Digance

Don T.

Subject: RE: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Argon0
Date: 08 Feb 06 - 06:25 PM

Yup, but can't remember the rest of the words...

Starkle starkle little twink, How I wonder what you think...

(then I've made up the words.. Underneath your hair so brown, maybe you will be a clown...)

Subject: RE: BS: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Me Again at Whitby
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 09:10 AM

Great green globs of greasy grimey gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat, concentrated birdie feet, one large jar of pickled, purple porpoise pus, and I've forgotten my spoon!

Subject: RE: BS: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Stu Tonnar, Whitby
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 09:03 AM

Starkle, starkle little twink, Who the hell I am, I think, I'm not as drunk as people-ay think I am, Besides, I've only had tee martooni's, And I've all day sober to sunday up on!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 Mar 02 - 07:06 PM

Almost all of Mother Goose can be lampooned in the following format:

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone,
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
So she threw it out the window --

The window, the window,
The second-story window,
But when she got there, etc.

The tune may be found in _The New Song Fest_

Subject: RE: BS: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: kendall
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 11:32 PM

Hickory dickery doc,
Two mice ran up her sock
One stopped at her garter
The other was smarter
Hickory dickory doc.

Hickory dickory doc
Two mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one, and, the other escaped with minor injuries.

Subject: RE: BS: Fractured Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 07:34 PM

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do, evidently.