BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need

Subject: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 May 02 - 03:12 PM

LANE, FIELDING, PATTERSON,& SWAN

**WAYLAND******TORONTO******BREMEN******OAKLAND**

    Layabouts-At-Large And For Hire

   When Doing Sweet Damn All Is Just Too Damn Much

It's the 21st Century and life is hard. You know you need to relax, but in the hectic pace of everyday life you just can't! Your Doctor tells you that you need a good dose of "doing nothing" but when is there time?

LFPS--Doing all we can to do as little as possible when you're too busy to do nothing

At Lane, Fielding, Patterson, and Swan, we recognize that need and have a solution for you! We know that many of you contract out for other things so why not contract us to do nothing for you whenever we can and freeing you to do all of those things that your job and your life requires. No need to schedule a time or a place to go and relax and simply layabout....We handle the whole thing for you whenever we can and we generally can at anytime as we do nothing else. The firm of LFPS make it our business to do nothing at all....and we do it all the time!

LFPS--DOING NOTHING FOR YOU--It's the very least we can do!!!

LFPS is an International group with 4 locations to serve you. It really doesn't matter though as we do nothing wherever we are and can do the same for you....anyplace, anytime, anywhere. Additionally, since we do absolutely nothing all the time, we can service an unlimited number of customers. We are all professional Layabouts and well trained in the fine art of nothingness. We can often do several nothings at the same time so just tell us what you want and we can handle it! Look for us whenever you see someone doing nothing as it may well be one of us. We will be wearing our Corporate Sportswear of gray shirts with green lettering displaying our CORPORATE LOGO on the front and back. If we don't respond to you though, remember.....We do nothing aggressively so it may take some time before we get back to you.

So if you are too busy to get the healthy benefits of doing nothing, you need.......

LANE, FIELDING, PATTERSON,& SWAN

**WAYLAND******TORONTO******BREMEN******OAKLAND**

Layabouts-At-Large And For Hire

When Doing Sweet Damn All Is Just Too Damn Much

   

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dani
Date: 12 May 02 - 03:21 PM

Perfect for Mother's Day. Please put my order in asap.

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Big Mick
Date: 12 May 02 - 03:27 PM

Spaw, I love this!! But I must point out that we have spent whole lifetimes doing jack shit. With what amounts to Black Belt, 10th dan status at this, sometimes that we forget that it isn't so simple as just saying we will do it for them. Sometimes examples are necessary. Let me cite some examples of our services:

Are you a sports fan and just don't have time to watch. For a very nominal fee, we will be happy to come to your home on the appropriate day, eat your food, lay on your couch, and watch the game.....playoff.....match.........whatever.

Got a new hammock, that due to your busy schedule has never been broken in properly? Call LFPS and one of us will personally stop by and nap in it, and see to it that it is properly ready for you when you are. Worried about size? The four of us have varying sized arses and will send the appropriate one of us to see to it that when you are ready to layabout, your hammock will be ready too!

Are you one of these folks who are so involved with your carreer that you have no time for a vacation? Give us a call. We will arrange the appropriate fee and take it for you. And as the leading professionals in the fine art of laying about, we will take all steps to insure that it is appropriately lackadaisical. We will come back from it completely refreshed for you. Satisfaction guaranteed!!

Lane, Fielding, Patterson & Swan.
Layabouts at Large and for Hire.
"It's the least we can do......."

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 May 02 - 03:30 PM

Happy to handle it for you Dani. I am actively engaged in absolutely nothing and will be for the rest of the day so I'm sure you'll be feeling the benefits of the ultimate in relaxation available only through LFPS...Layabouts At Large and For Hire.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: CapriUni
Date: 12 May 02 - 03:31 PM

Are you hiring? ;-) If so, please PM me...

(not born for the working class)

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 May 02 - 03:39 PM

Quite true Mick.......If anyone has something specific, we can answer any and all requests as we are experienced in a wide variety of leisure pursuits.

Ever want to just spend several days sailing on the winds? No problem

How about a few days at the old fishing hole? Happy to oblige

Want some time to just sit back and pick some wonderful tunes and do it like a pro? We got you covered

You name it and we can put together the finest nothingness you can imagine.

LFPS
When Doing Sweet Damn All Is Just Too Damn Much

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dani
Date: 12 May 02 - 04:25 PM

Well, it's a beautiful hot sunny North Carolina day, with a lovely eastern breeze.

I am working on a very detailed business plan (due to the bank in days) working out the details of running a restaurant in a few short weeks, starting cooking for a catering job for 13 in the a.m., planning for my daughter's birthday (also tomorrow), trying to figure how to recognize my wedding anniversary (also tomorrow) and wishing I could do more for my own ma, who is due in minutes for a dinner I haven't prepared.

Would you mind terribly putting your feet up with a glass of Jameson's? It would help if you put your head back, felt the breeze ruffle through your hair, and hummed a happy tune.

Any of y'all up to it?!

Sorry you offered?

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST
Date: 12 May 02 - 04:36 PM

LOL!

Catspaw, you are just the funniest!

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos
Date: 12 May 02 - 04:39 PM

Dang, I think your new promtoional campaign is terrific, Spaw, but I am concerned your business model may be under-resourced. You are certain to capture a major segment with your aggressive niche-defining position -- I don't think anyone has ever defined their market position as intentionally prone before! The result will be a flood of business, and even your proven talent for turning huge numbers of requests into nothing may be taxed. Capri and I are preparing resumes as we speak, as soon as we get around to it, and in the meanwhile, we will send you some blank sheets of paper -- could you send a SASE for the purpose?

We really think we can help take up some of the overload in the Doing-Fuckall-At-Great-Expense business, and as a government contractor I have a great deal of qualifying experience!! LOL!

We look forward to hearing from you, if you get around to it, but whatever, ya know!

A

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 12 May 02 - 05:11 PM

Nnaaaaa, chasing sheep too exciting for you to do. Better not be welcomed at the next euro gathering!

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: kendall
Date: 12 May 02 - 05:15 PM

Hey you Johnnies come lately! I've been a total no 'count for years! Want some lessons?

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: kendall
Date: 12 May 02 - 05:22 PM

There is an Australian song called the Swag & the Shiner which coveres this subject. It's not in the d.t. anyone want it?

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 12 May 02 - 05:31 PM

Sorry...I saw this an hour ago, but the effort it took to read it convinced me I needed a nap before posting. Actually one of the biggest drawbacks to being part of this consortium is the sheer brain-power needed in deciding whether to wear the nifty tee shirt, sweatshirt or formal zip-up number....gawd I hate decisions!

I'm verrrry impressed with Alice's work on the logo...it's so much better than those dumb 'property of Dallas Cowboys' things, or 'show us your tits for Mardi-gras' efforts. Wearing this I actually feel like a worthwhile human being....but that will pass.

The REAL problem is that although Lane, Patterson and Swan, CLAIM to be layabouts.....I actually AM. Other than a year spent counselling troubled youth (youts) so they wouldn't end up like me, I really HAVE spent my whole life singing and playing those damned songs.....and if that ain't bein' a Layabout, I don't know what is!

Lets do lunch

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: MMario
Date: 12 May 02 - 06:19 PM

kendall - of course we want the song!

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST,mg
Date: 12 May 02 - 06:40 PM

can you subcontract an idler at the beach? I just took my Sunday nap at the beach and now I am going to lie down and read a Harlequin Romance. I also have two trees in front that would be perfect for a hammock. I am knee deep in clutter but I am going to walk right over it on my way to my second nap of the day. mg

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 May 02 - 07:07 PM

When will the Infomercial be ready? Careful Spaw. The FCC will take offence if someone actually sends you money...and you know they will.

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST
Date: 12 May 02 - 07:15 PM

ROTFLMAO!!!!

You Mudcat people are something else.

You are TOO funny!!!

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: WyoWoman
Date: 12 May 02 - 07:27 PM

What's the charge for just whispering a few sweet nothings?

ww

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 May 02 - 09:21 PM

Pansy Mae Rue Bob WW Twidgett.........I believe any of us would be happy to fill your request at no charge. We do a certain amount of our work on a pro bono basis and anything to further the good ol' bone fits that category................

LFPS-Working Hard at Hardly Working

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: mack/misophist
Date: 12 May 02 - 09:51 PM

For a reasonable fee, I could be persuaded to open a branch in San Francisco. Wouldn't that look great on your letterhead?

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 12 May 02 - 10:29 PM

Amos...prone is too hard on the neck. I prefer supine. And Kendall...it's a skylark!

Aloha,
Mark
P.S.,I hate to tell you guys, but you have lots of competition in Hawaii. But don't worry, quality will always rise to the top. Or bottom. Whatever.

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 12 May 02 - 10:54 PM

Well guys, if you need an apprentice in the Toronto area...

Wow, to learn at the feer of the Master.

Steve

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: katlaughing
Date: 12 May 02 - 11:55 PM

Do any of you break in thongs? Not the kind you wear on your feet...the ones that ride up your crack...well, unless you are a certain Mick and have a spud back there! That spandex needs breaking in before Rog can wear them properly...it's such trouble to wiggle into them...just a few good stretches would do...

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos
Date: 13 May 02 - 12:40 AM

LOL, kat!! What an image! :>)

A.

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: hesperis
Date: 13 May 02 - 01:46 AM

Thanks for the tip in the other thread, Spaw. I really appreciate the work you did in typing it out, having to move the mouse to click the "submit" button... now that's work!

So... ARE you hiring? And if so, for what positions? *bg*

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST,macca
Date: 13 May 02 - 03:02 AM

As I see it, the only real problem with this great new alternative leisure-time marketing concept is that the competition already seems to be firmly in place. Here in Down-Underland, the Commonwealth Government, each State Government and every local authority seem to have filled the available market for doing nothing at great expense and in great detail pretty thoroughly.

Still, if you are looking for Australian agents, let me know. I'd think pretty seriously about leaving no stone unturned in my drive to establish a NGO alternative.... Call me soon - before I fall asleep.

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: gnu
Date: 13 May 02 - 05:50 AM

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: kendall
Date: 13 May 02 - 05:55 AM

It's a sparrow, says he... I'll post the lyrics elswhere.

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Banjer
Date: 13 May 02 - 06:09 AM

Good concept guys, but I'm afarid you are being copy-cats. As far as I can tell our governments in all levels have already used this concept for years. Is there a union for this? I know here there must be a union for 'shovel leaners'. Have you never wondered why it takes eight people to dig a hole? One with the actual shovel and the other seven to stand and watch? I wish you success in your venture, but if you want to get in with a group of real experts get a job with a government agency. There you will learn much!!

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: mooman
Date: 13 May 02 - 06:34 AM

Can you guys handle international contracts?

I've been so busy lately I haven't even had the time to break wind. Perhaps Mr Patterson with his expert knowledge in this area could help me with that particular problem?

Being skint I cannot afford much but my plight is too serious, and my moral conscience too great, to let you work pro bono.

Payment could be in unconsumed crates of Belgian beer left over from the recent Brussels EuroGathering 2002 if that's OK with you guys?

Yours in anticipation,

mooman

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Morticia
Date: 13 May 02 - 07:09 AM

There was beer left over????Hang your heads in shame, euro-catters!! See how much we need LFPS this side of the atlantic? Bet there wouldn't be any left over bee with proper professionals!I would be interested in hiring someone to sit in my garden for a while, I haven't even been out there since last year.You may be required to shake your heads sadly at the proliferation of weeds from time to time but that's aboutit.

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dani
Date: 13 May 02 - 07:31 AM

How're you all getting along on this job?

Am I feeling better?

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 May 02 - 11:06 AM

Morticia I think we can handle your request. AS you probably know, at least two of our Managing Partners will be in the UK during this year and since they will be goofing off anyway, I'm sure they can do it just as well in your garden.

Dani, we need some more time on this, but you're definitely feeling more refreshed and charged already. A few more days like yesterday and the sky's the limit.

Spaw...LFPS, Managing Partner---We do it so well, you will barely notice the change.

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: MMario
Date: 13 May 02 - 11:19 AM

LFPS - "We're number One - at nothing"

LFPS - "Doing less - for you"

LFPS - " When nothing seems the right thing to do"

y'know - there are a lot of catchy phrases that could be used for advertising this firm.

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 May 02 - 12:02 PM

Oh...so stretching spandex is too much work....?

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos
Date: 13 May 02 - 12:34 PM

Wyo:

For a few sweet nothings, I have a special on for this lifetime only, at a price which cannot be refused. See me after class...

A

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Fortunato
Date: 13 May 02 - 12:37 PM

1)Is that Wayland, Massachusetts? (We have relatives there who are badly in need of servicing.)

2)I smell a rat, Pat. I suspect all you really want is to get paid for doing nothing (again). That is, you will not actually deliver anything and your clients will receive no benefit.

Do you deny this? I think you may guilty of raising false expectations. I have contacted my lawyers Ben Dover and Will Scruya for pair a legal consulation.

Stand by for further develpments. (Or lie by, if that requires too much energy).

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Dani
Date: 13 May 02 - 12:55 PM

I think it might be working, but it's hard to quantify. Might be you want to do an extra good job, so I can testify for y'all, being as, compared to Kendall, y'all are new to the field.

Question: do you bill me, or do you barter?

Dani

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: p.j.
Date: 13 May 02 - 01:53 PM

Dear Mudcatters,

On behalf of Mary Lou Lane, Heather Fielding, Karen Patterson and myself, Pamela Swan, may I implore you all to be patient and go easy on our fellas. As with any new venture, one expects grueling hours, huge amounts of overtime and great personal sacrifice during the early period when getting a new business off the ground.

But I feel the need to point out that, since the startup of LFPS and its advertisement on the Mudcat, business has increased to the point that the partners of the partners have noticed a marked decline in our husband's ability to do anything whatsoever.

In addition to many new clients who demand professional quality lethargy at the drop of a hat, they must also service their original contracts from the days when freelance loafing helped to make their name in the business. Loyal to these early customers, they continue to provide high standards of low activity without increasing their rates.

As their reputation for repose continues to grow, many are aware that LPFS has already begun to set the industry standard for tirelessly refraining from work during the business day. But do you also realize that these modest men, who would never brag about it themselves, spend most days off donating their valuable services, free of charge, to various non-profit organizations? They share a strong commitment to volunteer non-participation, in the spirit of giving nothing back to the community.

While we admire our spouse's relentless pursuit of relaxation, strong out-of-work ethic and selfless charity loafing, lately these circumstances are leaving virtually no time for them to do nothing for us.

We miss the days when it was our gutters that weren't being cleaned, our family rooms that weren't being painted and, yes, our cars that weren't being washed. We remember fondly when the whole family used to gather together to play hooky, but now it's just a busman's holiday for them. Sometimes, when we look over at them in the morning, we're not even sure who they're sleeping for.

We appreciate your support of the LPFS organization, and are proud of our husbands for providing this much-needed layabout service for others. Just please be patient about having your leisure orders filled– we need them to have a little time to do nothing for us as well.

Sincerely yours,

Pamela Swan (p.j.)

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 13 May 02 - 02:08 PM

Dear p.j. Thankyou for your explanation extolling the virtues of the layabouts club. But will you let them come out to play next year in Holland?

Sincerely yours.

Eric the sheep-sorry! Viking)

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Alice
Date: 13 May 02 - 02:25 PM

The little folder on my computer labeled LFPS, containing type and logo, has taken on a new meaning... I now feel like I am on the ground floor of an entirely new global industry! Thanks, guys, for letting me be a part of the new economy!

Alice

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: MMario
Date: 13 May 02 - 02:39 PM

But do you also realize that these modest men, who would never brag about it themselves, spend most days off donating their valuable services, free of charge, to various non-profit organizations?

Somehow I do believe that this is a statement that is not far from the truth.

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 May 02 - 02:58 PM

Me, too, MMario.

Alice, NICE job! I heard about it firsthand from Spaw, so it's great to see it, too. Really classy. I'll bet it will cause a few double-takes when people realise what they've just read!

katlaughing

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: lady penelope
Date: 13 May 02 - 03:21 PM

Nice one Mrs Swan......HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!

"Quality loafing, accept no substitute".

TTFN M'Lady P.

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos
Date: 13 May 02 - 03:26 PM

PJ:

Cracking up!! Beautifully turned, elegant of phrase, and side-sore funny!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: gnu
Date: 13 May 02 - 07:05 PM

I thot my application above would stand me in good stead for a position, but, apparently, I have to prove myself, again. F*** it. Like I said on the other thread, pick a pup on your way out and close the damn door behind you this time. I can't be bothered with the flies. I mean, Jaysus, I worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends, oh Spaw, won't you you lease me...

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Big Mick
Date: 13 May 02 - 07:27 PM

Well.........thanks a million, peej. I have now managed to spew fluids through every available portal on my body from laughing so damn hard. That is twice you have done this to me ("If you see anything you don't understand, feel free to ask.............ROFLMAO). Jaysus, woman, would you give me a bit of a warning????

Love to you and my fellow layabout,

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Amos
Date: 13 May 02 - 07:29 PM

I dunno, gnu -- yopur application looks perfect to me, but maybe ya left something out? Hit the "Submit" key too energetically? Ya never know in an exacting profession like this how low the standards have to be maintained...

A

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: GUEST,The Inevitable Troll
Date: 13 May 02 - 08:11 PM

Yep, that's me alright. Just posting the facts here...the other side of the story. You just knew it was gonna happen.

The above group of gentlemen are, I believe, misrepresenting themselves. They *claim* to be "layabouts." I wonder if they can explain how incorportation and subsequent advertising fit in with the general image of a layabout!! I mean, it takes *work* to do these things and they claim to avoid work. Somebody had to design and create that logo, and *that* took work! Don't tell me they hired someone to do it because none of them has any money. (Unless they've received charitable contributions, in which case I want to see their form thingie. Right now! Go get it - I'll wait.) I happen to know that one Mudcat member, Jeri, whom I don't have any connection with whatsoever, has *thought* about starting a professional house guest business, but that's the difference - she just *thought* about it, but she didn't actually *do* it, and she doesn't actually do much of anything except write a lot of run-on sentences, but I am *not* connected with her!

(Mick, some of those portals aren't supposed to spew liquids of any sort. Eeeew!)

Sincerely, The Inevitable Troll (Who has absolutely no connection with Jeri)

Subject: RE: BS: LaneFieldingPatterson&Swan-What YOU Need
From: Tinker
Date: 13 May 02 - 08:28 PM

SIGN ME UP!!!! But I think what I need most is encouragement and training in loafing and layabout. As part of the target market will your service not only make me feel better, but can you guarantee it's contagious????Can it infect a whole household???? I let 3 kids each sign up for 2 sports each this spring and my husband was given dual departments to manage..... My garden is crying for someone to go sit and enjoy it... I know it's under the weeds.. . somewhere...

Tinker