limericks [10]

Subject: limericks
From:
Date: 03 Sep 02 - 07:51 AM

There was a folk singer named Jock, Who got got his string snagged in his smock, He pulled and he swore 'til the bloody thing tore And he never wore it any more

sorry about that folks.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: alanabit
Date: 03 Sep 02 - 10:21 AM

I should think so too!

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Sep 02 - 06:40 PM

There once was a Scottish musician
Who preferred 69 to coition.
Said he with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"It's all part of our oral tradition."

There was once an old person of Tring
Who, whenever they asked him to sing,
Replied "Isn't it odd?
I can never tell `God
Save the Weasel' from `Pop Goes the King'."

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 02:58 AM

NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not again!! Do you know how big the last one got???

LTS

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Kaleea
Date: 04 Sep 02 - 03:59 AM

henry.anne-- you don't quite have the County Limerick rhythm!

a 1 & a 2 & a 3 (quarter rest) a 1 & a 2 & a 3 (quarter rest) a 1 & a 2 (eighth rest) a 3 & a 4 (eighth rest) a 1 & a 2 & a 3 (quarter rest)

or add a "&" to the 1st, 2nd & 4th phrases using no 'rest'

as in:

A lovely girl swimmer named Sive, Was swingy, tough eager, alive, 'My head's above water,' She said, 'as it oughter, But best of all is a low dive.'

When hunting around Ballybay, Pretty Ellen gave no man his way. Though pressed hard to yield, Trotting over a field, Her horse answered for her, "Neigh! Neigh!"

OR

A nervous six-footer named Bridget, Would wriggle and squirm, twitch and fidget, But she knew perfect peace, And a psychic release, When she found true romance with a midget.

and then there's

(hint: it rhymes with "eerie"!)

An ancient old man of Dun Laoghaire, Said, "Of pleasure and joy I've grown waoghaire . . . The life that is pure Will suit me I'm sure, It's healthy and noble though draoghaire."

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 03:59 AM

Mary had a little pig. She coudn't stop it gruntin. So she took it up the garden shed, and kicked it's little cunt in.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Cretinous Yahoo
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 08:14 AM

There once was an ageing folksinger
Who caught his dick in a wringer,
Said he, "It's no trouble, I'll simple redouble
My efforts with tongue and with finger",

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Sep 02 - 12:53 PM

Kaleea..thank you! I get so frustrated with those who will NOT hone the limerick well enough to keep the meter!

There was an old gasman named Peter
With a match poked around a gas heater
Touched a leak with his light
And rose out of sight
And, as anyone even vaguely familar with the more subtle nuances of the art of poetry can tell you,
...he also ruined the meter!

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Gypsy
Date: 06 Sep 02 - 11:04 AM

Do you care to sin
with Elinore Glynn
on a tiger skin?
Or would you prefer
to err with her
on some other fur?

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Troll
Date: 06 Sep 02 - 11:15 AM

In London a newsboy named Grimes
Led girls on to infamous crimes.
"I deliver," he'd boast
"Two Globes and a Post,
And goodness knows how many Times."

There once was a poet named McNameter
Whose mistress kept calling him amature
Said she,"your technique
Is too rough and antique,
And your rhythm's iambic pentameter."

BillD, nicely done.

troll

Subject: RE: limericks
From: euclid
Date: 06 Sep 02 - 04:35 PM

There was a young man from Calcutta Who coated his tonsils with butta Thus changing his snore From a thunderoust roar To a soft, oleaginous mutta

Subject: RE: limericks
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 04:32 PM

There was a young girl from Pitlochry
Who was having a f**k in a rockery
When she found that he'd come
Before she'd begun
# She said "That's not a f**k, it's a mockery

There was a young lady, she was Greek
Who had her monthlys, twice a week
Said her young man from Woking
Most provoking, No Poking.
So to speak

Oh dear, the mudhut's going downhill again.....Giok

Subject: RE: limericks
From: kendall
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 07:40 PM

Best one I ever heard: A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexihedronical ball
The cube of its weight,
Plus his pecker, times eight
Was four fifths of five eights of fuck all.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Little Hawk
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 07:55 PM

Joe Clark had not much of a chin
"Well, don't worry," said Brian to him
"I can take up the slack
And lead the attack
Cos mine's long as the road to Berlin"

(political limerick...you've got to be Canadian to appreciate it, plus remember the '80's. Joe Clark is still on the scene, somewhat, but Brian Mulroney has departed for greener corporate pastures.)

I agree that the one about the mathematician is exceptional. That last line is a killer.

- LH

Subject: RE: limericks
From: kendall
Date: 07 Sep 02 - 09:19 PM

I don't know if "fuck all" is well known among Americans; so, for the benefit of those who don't know, it is the equivilent of zero, zed, nothing.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Leadfingers
Date: 08 Sep 02 - 12:56 PM

The Limerick packs laughs anatomical In a space that is quite economical But the good ones we've seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Skipper Jack
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 07:07 AM

Yes Kendall That's a good one - figuratively speaking!

Have you tried converting it to the metric system??

There was a couple from Aberystwyth,
Who had some cards to play whist with.
When they got tired of that
They went and sat
And played with the things that they pissed with.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: HuwG
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 09:02 AM

I'm reluctant to join this increasingly gonadal thread, but Bill D's scholarly contribution requires a footnote:

There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When asked why this was
He said, "It's because
I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can"

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 07:02 PM

Dave, I learned this as:

A young couple from Aberystwyth,
United the organs they kissed with
By turns and degrees
On their hands and their knees
They got to the organs they pissed with.

WassaiL! V

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 09 Sep 02 - 08:48 PM

There was a young fellow named Durkin Addicted to jerkin' his gherkin. His wife told him, "Durkin, By jerkin' your gherkin, You're shirkin' your firkin', you bastard!"

Peter.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Bentley
Date: 10 Sep 02 - 10:33 AM

There was a young man from Bangkok,
Who got his tool caught in a rock.
He pulled it too hard
And stretched it a yard
Now the women hang round in a flock

---

Threads combined. Messages below are from a new thread.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: limericks
From: hobo
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 01:45 PM

One for English members:

Has anyone got the words of any 'traditional' English limericks? Reminiscing recently I tried to recall some from my days in the RAF in the early '60s, but few came to mind...

With the passing of survivors from the old National Service tradition I suspect many of these are passing out of living memory. I have in mind stuff along the lines of the following:
There was a young girl from Devizes
Had up at the local Assises
For teaching young boys
Matrimonial joys
And giving french letters
As prizes!

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 02:01 PM

If you do a lyrics and knowledge search there is a thread with absolutely loads of them on.....
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 02:27 PM

Like gamblers, and hoboes, and pimps
And back-alley losers with limps,
Little Hawk cures depression,
And fiscal recession,
By creating invisible Chimps.

A

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 02:29 PM

As well as whole websites devoted to limericks: there's one where each person adds the last line and starts the next one if you want some new material!
There are the Edward Lear ones on this site (but watch out for th annoying pop-ups!):
http://www.poetry-online.org/limericks.htm

Subject: RE: limericks
From: kendall
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 07:30 PM

A clean one:

There was a young girl named Farrell
Who liked to play stud for apparel
Her opponent's straight flush
Brought a maidenly blush
And a hasty trip home in a barrel.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Leadfingers
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 07:42 PM

God's plan made a hopeful beginng
But man went and spoiled it by sinning
We Trust that the story
Will end in God's Glory
But at present the other sides's winning

Subject: RE: limericks
From: topical tom
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 07:57 PM

There once was a crooked old folkie
Who spent a night in the pokey.
He said "I thought 'twas as such;if you pull it too much
Your brain will go mushy and hokey".

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Allen in Oz
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 08:04 PM

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his penis plus eight
Is his phone number...give him a call !

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Micca
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 09:15 PM

For hobo, this is very English
There was a young lady from Salisbury
whose manners were all Halsbury-scalsbury
she went around Hampshire
without any pampshire
because she was to hot to walsbury

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 05:34 AM

A certain young fellow called Pugh (no relation, I assure you !)
Lived on underpants scrapings and spew.
When he couldn't get that
He'd eat what he shat,
And mighty fine shit he shat, too.

I'll get me Barbour . . .

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 03:27 PM

There was a young chap from Belgrave,
Who kept a few tomes in a cave.
They were full of bad verses,
Limericks and worses,
Guarded by a hermit named Dave.

A voracious old cougar named Maggie,
Instead of a purse, had a baggie.
It contained some fois gras
And an industrial strength bra,
For her boobs were incredibly saggy.

There was a young miss from Madras,
Who had a magnificent ass.
Wasn't round and pink,
As you undoubtedly think,
But was black, had long ears and ate grass!

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 03:53 PM

There once was a Whore from Kew.
Who filled her Virgina with Glue?
She said with a grin.
"If they pay to get in.
"They can pay to get out of it too.


..................................

There was a young Lady from Houghton.
Who had a big tit and a shorten.
But to make up for that,
She had a huge Twat.
And a fart like a 850 Norton,

................................

There was a young Man called Frank.
Who invented a new kind of Tank.                   (ARMY TANK)
He said "It would float just like a boat.
but when he tried, IT SANK.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: DADGBE
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 04:09 PM

A sweet young lady named Clio,
Was had by a 'cellist from Rio.
She said, "No andantes," as he pulled down her panties,
"I want this allegro con brio!"

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Still receiving a state paycheck
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 04:12 PM

In the rainy, wet city of Juneau
Where Palin is governor as you know
        She couldn't pass gas
        With her head up her ass
So now she has decided to go.

Once a young governor named Sarah,
Tried to act like a bear-a,
        She had all the goods,
        But she shit in the woods,
Now she is no longer there-a.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Artful Codger
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 05:03 PM

A bit of codgerrel verse:

From an alcove a resourceful, sly midget
Levitated and twirled a widget.
    All amazed, passers-by
    Wondered how it could fly
And what made it incessantly fidget.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 05:54 PM

ObMusic:
A tooter who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
    Said the two to the tooter,
    "Is it easier to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 06:04 PM

There was a young lady from Leeds.
Who swollowed a packet of Seeds?
From out of her Bum,a Geranium come.
But her tits were all covered in Weeds.
.............................................

There was a young Girl from Austrailia.
Who painted her Arse like a Dalia?.............. =FLOWER
A Penny a look was all well and good.
but sixpence a sniff was a failiar.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: kendall
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 07:30 PM

I know some that are so raunchy I won't post them here.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 07:54 PM

There were some poetic Mudcatters,
Who really were mad as Mad Hatters,
Though they'd never met Alice,
I bear them no malice,
Despite all the limericks they scatters.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Midchuck
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 08:22 PM

I know some that are so raunchy I won't post them here.

Yeah, right. I've heard that before.

Somebody break out the Jameson's and see how long he sticks to it.

Peter

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 09:47 PM

I know some raunchy ones that are also too bad to post....big difference between 'raunchy' and 'clever'.

( I remain, as in several other threads on limericks, a fan of meter and style. Good limericks are an art form, not just an excuse to use words you don't use at other times)

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Pierre Le Chapeau
Date: 22 Jul 09 - 09:55 PM

That young soldier called Fred Sir.
Who through Shell shock was confined to his bed Sir?
At 5 past 1. there was a "Bang" From a Gun.
And Ed Sir in bed Sir................was Dead Sir.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Snuffy
Date: 23 Jul 09 - 07:48 PM

There was a young lady from Hyde
Who, no matter how hard she tried,
Could achieve no orgasm,
Not the tiniest spasm,
No spark to ignite her inside

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Jul 09 - 08:28 PM

A lovely young lady of Chichester
Made even the saints in their niches stir,
    And one morning at matins,
    Her breasts in white satins
Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.

Subject: RE: limericks
From: GUEST,Andes
Date: 20 Sep 09 - 05:17 PM

There was a young fellow named Horne
Who wished that he'd never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the condom was torn

There was a young lady from Cheadle
Who sat down in church on a needle
Though deeply embedded
'twas happily threaded
And she had it removed by the Beadle

Subject: RE: limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Sep 09 - 06:00 PM

From deep in the crypt of St Giles
Is heard screaming that carries for miles.
My goodness, my gracious,
Poor Brother Ignatius
Has forgotten the Bishop has piles!

There was a mean fellow called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
   He said 'It takes pluck
   To have a cold fuck,
But think of the money you save.'

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 20 Sep 09 - 06:53 PM

There was a young lady from Wantage
Of whom the town clerk took advantage
Said the borough surveyor
Of course you must pay her -
You've altered the line of her frontage.

Kitty

Subject: RE: limericks
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 21 Sep 09 - 03:33 AM

There was a young gaucho called Bruno,
Who said shagging is one thing I do know,
A woman is fine,
A sheep is devine,
But a llama is numero uno

Dave H

Subject: RE: limericks
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 21 Sep 09 - 04:51 AM

There was a young student of St Bartholomews
Whose car went by fits and by St Startholomews
Till a fellow called St John
Had a look at the 't John
And fitted it out with spare St Partholomews