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BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees!
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Subject: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Rick Fielding Date: 07 Sep 02 - 10:52 AM OK, truth to tell, I did very little hugging at all until I was talked into joining a 'sensitive new-age men's group' a few years ago. It was fun, a bit scary at times, and hugely valuable for a couple of weeks when I was going through a major 'situation'. As usual, I quickly became the 'deviant' (in a nice, pleasant, and not dangerous way) in the group, because having ALREADY gone through my hippie phase when I was much younger, I didn't need to read Robert Bly, or bang on a drum to release the 'child' in me. It never left! The other guys were all professionals with wives and children and had real jobs with actual responsibilities, and to a man had accepted at least some of the conformities that I had always (and still do) run from. There was a LOT of hugging.....and I did get over my uncomfortableness.....sort of. It absolutely amazed me how comfortable some folk were/are with that "hello" hug, and "goodbye" hug. Last night I went to a friend's album release concert, and found myself in a situation that brought back quite a bit of the old "to hug or not to hug" thing. Bumped into a LOT of old friends and acquaintances.....and did a lot of hugging...AND some "is this a hug situation or not" stuff.... So....Anyone got any thoughts, personal experience stuff or comments? I'm OK if it turns out that I really AM in the minority on this. Cheers Rick |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Amos Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:15 AM Well I never mind a decenthug, and I never mind just shaking hands -- I take it as it comes. I think it's a good practice, reduces the remoteness of personal space a bit. But ya know, you should do what you yourself wish to do, man. Forcing yourself isn't a viable solution, IMHO. A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:20 AM Never been too into the routine hugging and that myself. Giving a friend a hug when they're upset maybe and need one is one thing, but as a handshake equivalent I've never liked it. Not even as a hippy. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Jeri Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:28 AM Up until finding folkies, I didn't hug anybody except relatives, and only some of them when I couldn't get away in time. I didn't grow up in a "touchy" family. We weren't extreme - probably what was normal for the culture we were in. I found folk music in the 70's and folks were hugging all over the place. I think many of the people I met were flower children who had grown up a bit. It took me a while to get comfortable with it. It was a new social thing, and I wasn't sure who I should hug or when. The rules were what I wasn't comfortable with, not the actual hugging. I still haven't got 'em figured out. It's not the hugging that's scary, it's figuring out the rules, and hoping other people are either sensitive or forgiving, or both. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Jeri Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:41 AM Well, I could have edited that last message more. It was a somewhat overly redundant towards the end. I have enough problems figuring out if I should hug or not. The type of hug is not something I want to analyze. I don't want to predict whether a hug should be a barely-touching one or a serious squash. I usually go for the mid-range squash. Now, if someone just tells me they don't want to be hugged or gives me some idea what sort of contact would be acceptable to them, that's wonderful. Like I said, it's not the hugging/not hugging that are difficult, it's figuring out what's appropriate. If someone tells me, I don't have to figure it out! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Micca Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:55 AM I have found that, in the main, Mudcatters hug, A LOT, My family were very "Not-Touchy" so I had, at quite a late stage( 20's) to LEARN about social hugging, Now I think it is real good, and Ok with me, with men it is a case of watching for that "hesitation" that says" I am not comfortable with being hugged" then I will change to a handshake, but a hug , I find is a much warmer, more friendly greeting, and I prefer them. At the Getaway last year and before and after, Both at Mudcat gatherings here in the UK and in the US I have been hugged by practically EVERY mudcatter I have met and that is somewhere close to a Hundred or more now!!!! So Grit your teeth Fielding and take it like a man, as the genuine sign of affection which it means to the people you meet, and in NO time you will be enjoying it!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: kendall Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:08 PM I also grew up in a non hug family, but,I have always felt comfortable hugging women friends, and it's only recently that I have been comfortable hugging men friends. I guess it came to me that it has nothing to do with sex and that made it ok. We are primates, and, primates need bodily contact to avoid going psychotic. I have to leave, the voices are calling... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: wysiwyg Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:24 PM Yes, but are you exchanging full-body hugs or A-frame-shaped hugs? I recommend full-body, but it can feel pretty scary, whether with a same-sex person or an opposite-sex person, what with all the conditioning in our society! ~Susan |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Jerry Rasmussen Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:25 PM Funny that so far, we all grew up in non-hugging families. Somewhere along the line as an adult, I gradually became comfortable with hugging. I didn't go through any sensitivity training... I think it was just a natural response to having people hug me as a greeting and a goodbye. At first, I was very uncomfortable with it because it was something I had rarely experienced. Now, it seems like the most natural thing in the world and I don't find it any less natural hugging a male friend than a female.
While all of these changes were taking place in my life, a thousand miles away my family was evolving into a family of huggers. My Dad was the last hold-out. He'd accept a hug with an "Aw shucks" bashfulness, but never took the initiative, himself. My suspicion is that thre's been a societal change, not a coincidental change of millions of people. I can't prove it for a fact, but it seemed to start hapenning when we all started using flouride... :-) Jerry |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: smallpiper Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:34 PM Hugging is great therapy. The rules are fairly simple, really, offer the huggee space to accept the hug and if they do great if they don't then great, change it to a touch on the arm or shoulder. Contact = good. I've been a hugger all my life and dispite getting into difficulty (occasionally) will never change. Hugs to all |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: C-flat Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:38 PM Although I'm from a non-hugging family, myself, my 3 brothers and my sister are all quite comfortable with displaying affection in the form of a hug when greeting or parting. What I have a real aversion to is those people who kiss the air next to your cheek and go "MMMWWWUU". AAAARRRGGGHHH! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Peter T. Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:51 PM If the implication of your increasing hugginess includes more spinoffs like that woman you inveigled me into hugging last night, Rick, I say -- keep up the good work!! yours, Peter T. (acolyte of His Hugginess) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Bassic Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:51 PM Mind you, I have always thought Smallpiper was a bit of a 9ugger anyway!!!!!!!:)
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Catherine Jayne Date: 07 Sep 02 - 12:51 PM I come from a non-hugging family like many others and due to circumstances that have happened in my past I used to find it difficult to hug. Now I have lots of good friends and a wonderful boyfriend who knows when I need a hug, and he does give good hugs!!! I am quite comfortable with the hugging thing but I am sometimes apprehensive about hugging people I am not close to or I hardly know. Keep Hugging Cat |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Jeri Date: 07 Sep 02 - 01:05 PM Peter T, Rick is training you to be a huggist? Oh my! 9assic...never mind. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Amos Date: 07 Sep 02 - 01:17 PM Watch out, world. Rick is transmogrifying PeterT!!! Hugs and...folk music....and... dang folks, look out. A Chrysalid Soul is Heading Your Way!! :>)) A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: GUEST Date: 07 Sep 02 - 01:21 PM I get the impression that to be a folkie you must come from a non-hugging family background. Allan |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Bobert Date: 07 Sep 02 - 01:42 PM I'll hug anyone or anything any time or place. But I have learned from a life time of touching folks to read them. Once you become a hugger it comes almost instinctual to reads folks. Then you know what you can get away with that doesn't bug folks. And there are some folks that just send out that body language that says, "No hugs and stay the heck out of my space." What you do with them is just gently touch them on the arm at first. After a whilw they're gonna let you more into their space or less. But huggers know all this stuff.... Big ol' hug, especially to DougR. He hates 'em but he's getting a little better each time.... Bobert |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Bassic Date: 07 Sep 02 - 02:18 PM OOOOppss!!!! Think something got implied in the transatlantic translation. Jeri, Just to clarify.....9ugger as in "a bit of a skallywag", cheaky chap, nothing else implied or at all sugested! Smallpiper is, as he says, well known in these here parts as a hugger, but he also has a large dollop of charm inherited from his Irish antecedants and a "masters" in reading body language, which to us shy and dour yorkshiremen qualifies him as being "a bit of a 9ugger, that one!" In truth, its us dour types that loose out. He gets all the best hugs!! By the way, if anyone spots a spare hug lying arround doing nothing, please send to me, I have accomodation for a few and I would hate to see them homeless:-) Keep on hugging, folkies. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: kendall Date: 07 Sep 02 - 02:22 PM Not sure? approach with arms wide apart; if they want to be hugged, that is a clear signal. If they don't, they will either not respond, or they will offer a handshake. I used to think that if a woman gave me a nose to knees full frontal hug, it meant more was possible. I now know it can also mean that she trusts me totally to not cross the line. You'd be suprised how far a simple question goes; "Would you like a hug"? or "I need a hug." However, if a Englishman says "I need to be COODLED, that is a horse of a different color." We have a very complex language, why don't we use it? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Peter T. Date: 07 Sep 02 - 02:40 PM Fear not, Folk Denizens, I remain firmly non-Huggist, on Anglo=Saxon principles, except under exceptional circumstances, into which this lady definitely fit. Also, who am I to disappoint Rick, who has taken to inhaling barbeque fumes and mass embracing to cover his struggles with the demon weed. yours, Peter T. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Bassic Date: 07 Sep 02 - 02:42 PM I like being cuddled, but coddling sounds like getting beaten up! or is it a small cod? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Big Mick Date: 07 Sep 02 - 03:36 PM Hi. My name is Mick. I AM A HUGGER!! Actually, if I sense any hesitancy, I will either ask, or just put my hand out. I have been raised and have come to understand that sex is sex, and affection is affection. I do not equate signs of affection with sexual things. Hence, I hug people I care about. I kiss my Father every time I see him. I have some male friends whom I greet with a peck. Same with female friends. These things just seem natural to me, but I stay aware of my surroundings and the folks I am greeting. I have had another man question my sexuality when he saw me kiss a close male friend. So I whipped his ass, and then kissed him on top of his bleeding head..............................LOL. Just kidding, folks. About the ass whupping that is. I just told him he needed to see a therapist to help himself with his insecurity about his manliness. So yeah...........I hug, when appropriate. Which always with people I care about. As long as it is OK with them. Mick |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Hawker Date: 07 Sep 02 - 03:36 PM I went to a hugging workshop at Bromyard Folk Festival a few years ago, it was great fun! It certainly broke the ice and allowed us to laugh at our slef consciousness. I suppose I do hug quite a lot, but I am also very aware of my own personal space, that is one thing that bugs me, when people invade MY personal space, standing too close, touching un-necessarily etc. A good honest hug I can cope with but not someone in my face! Lucy |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Steve Latimer Date: 07 Sep 02 - 04:15 PM I come from a non touchy family, hugging was always out. I have to say that in the last few years I've started to hug a bit and hey, it's not bad. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Mudlark Date: 07 Sep 02 - 04:37 PM I read, years ago, about the symbolism of the handshake...the mixed, or at least combination message of 2 people touching, yet holding each other at bay, so to speak. I'm old enough that in my early adult days it was even unusual for a woman to offer her hand for a shake, let alone spontaneously hug a non-intimate someone. Not only was mine a non-huggy family, I come from a non-huggy time.
13 years in Arkansas, mingling with younger back to the landers in the craft scene brought me to hugging (my Scots husband NEVER got the hang of it). And I like it. But still find myself hesitating on the brink if signals aren't clear. I never take it amiss, tho, if hugging is not on offer. Free choice.
However, I do offer my hand when meeting someone new, when hugging seems like it might not be the thing. I agree that contact = good, and a handshake is better than nothing. Sign me "A shy but enthusiastic hugger..."
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Tig Date: 07 Sep 02 - 05:50 PM I usually wear a badge for folk festivals that says "Hugs are wonderful. Stop me and try one". I find most folkies like a quick hug - I certainly do. I wouldn't think it would go down well if I started hugging total strangers in the street though! One thing I've learnt to do over the years is ask for a hug if I need one. Most people I'd ask would give me one and they are great confidence builders when you are 'off it' or unsure of yourself. KEEP ON HUGGING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: GUEST,andi Date: 07 Sep 02 - 06:25 PM I am a definate non hugger. and I hate it when forced. Someone said "contact=good" I disagree. I don't wish to be touched, ever. my body=my rules. I just had a situation where a "friend"walked up grabbed me in a hug and forced it on me..this after beeing told numerous times that I do not like or accept them, her husand theen decided he could. I told him "NO!" he resonded with "fine then I am just going to take one" I took too steps back and he threatened me. Not Acceptable. I suggest that those of you who like hugs/ contact might want to ask before touching someone, whether in a hug or simply on our arms or other part of ourbodies. andi |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Bill D Date: 07 Sep 02 - 07:17 PM yep...you MUST respect those who do not wish hugs...for whatever reason! It is 'usually' not hard to tell....I seldom start hugging someone the first time I meet them, but sometimes it is just automatic after awhile...women, some men...it depends. Hugs express something beyond a polite handshake...they say "I care" in a way that is hard to say otherwise. And in a group, you get a good idea of who knows whom by watching the hugging...It's funny...there are folks I like and respect, but never think of hugging...and it's hard to say why...perhaps they just give signals that they don't wish it...*shrug* |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Jeri Date: 07 Sep 02 - 07:22 PM Andi, I think it's beyond rudeness to hug someone you know doesn't want to be hugged. It's not an expression of affection - it's more like assault. I wouldn't do it, and I don't believe I know anyone who would. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: kendall Date: 07 Sep 02 - 07:27 PM Coodle is the English way of saying cuddle. I'm not open to hugs from just anyone, and, when I'm not feeling well, it's not safe for anyone to hug me. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: GUEST,Fred Miller Date: 07 Sep 02 - 07:49 PM From a non-hugger family. We left notes for each other on the fridge. At family gatherings we'd say Did you see my note? Mn. Yeah, and you saw mine, I take it? Mm. Married into a family of huggers, loud, demonstrative operatic people, kind of like a Scottish mafia. People ask me exactly how they are like a Scottish mafia, I say Imagine a Scottish Mafia--There! Like that. Also, they fart, sometimes in conjuntion with a pre-amble or public announcement. My family doesn't fart, to my wife's amazement, never have. I've learned about two things--how to hug, and how to pretend to be a regular guy. But unlike a previous reformed non-hugger, I never supposed a hug from a woman promised something more--in fact I'm the reigning champion in a local contest of Who Is Slowest to Pick Up on Subtle Signs From Women. My winning entry was Having decided years later that being invited to sleep beside a woman in her bed might have been a little clue, but still, she probably just worried if I was comfortable. I don't find it all that difficult--you catch a person's eye, do the "Hug?" gesture, and if they pick it up, hug, if they miss it, or prefer not to catch it, you pass on the hug. I've also got much better at picking up signs from women, now that it's of no use to me, so I train younger guys. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 07 Sep 02 - 08:26 PM Don't do much huggin' these days. Used to belong to a very non-traditional church. We hugged a lot. Used to belong to a group of people who shared a mutual problem we were trying to overcome. We hugged a lot. Used to belong to a loosely knit bunch of city folks who "communed with nature" by heading to the woods for a couple of group campouts a year. We hugged a lot. Now, I live in the woods we used to "commune" in, haven't been inside a church in years, and haven't felt the need to pursue any types of self-destructive behavior for at least as long. So, since I no longer get to hug truth-seekers, hippie-wanabees, or recovering drunks, the hugs have gotten kinda sparse. However, I do hug my wife, my four cats, my pig and a few trees every day. And my wife says I hug guitars way too much. I'm satisfied. Bruce |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Rick Fielding Date: 07 Sep 02 - 09:05 PM Why shucks you're all (well most) just a big bunch of huggie-bears! So Lucy...you went to a "hugging Workshop"!!?? Hmmmm, that probably would have done me a HUGE bit of good when I was about 14. I think some "confused huggers" (which I used to be) got that way because they didn't feel sexy or cute when they were teens. I used to be terrified to go to parties because I KNEW they'd play "spin the bottle" and some girl would say "Kiss HIM???" "Yuchhhh"! And of course, I couldn't dance...so I didn't have much to barter with. This all changed when I got to be a really good musician. I discovered that attractive women weren't ALL into handsome jocks! The other interesting thing was, that the weirdo musicians tended to age interestingly, while the Jocks just went bald and bought white plastic belts and plaid pants. AHHAHHHH! PETER T!! Yes indeed, I introduced him to my buddy Mary, who is indeed a vision. Now Mary is SUCH an accomplished hugger, even an amateur like me, does it right!! Hi Bruce. I hug my cats and guitars a lot as well. Cheers Rick |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Art Thieme Date: 07 Sep 02 - 11:03 PM I have not ever felt comfortable with the modern huggers. I endure it rather than cause a confrontation. More often than not, though, now that I've had 3 discs pulled from my neck and replaced with cadaver bones, it can hurt like hell and actually cause numbness down my arms when the hugger inists on emulating a hungry python. What am I supposed to do/say? "PLEASE-----BE GENTLE" ?? No, I think not. So I go with the flow, put my hand out for a shake and when that's not enough for someone, the ensuing hug will most likely be halfhearted at best. Art Thieme |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Ebbie Date: 08 Sep 02 - 12:20 AM Like most of us, it appears, I come from a non-touchy, feely family. My daughter taught me to be more demonstrative; it's simply the way she was born. There is an element of risk in offering a hug. Every once in awhile I really admire someone's willingness to be vulnerable. Like a couple of months ago when I visited Oregon last. My long-time ex-husband touched me on the shoulder; when I turned, he held his arms wide. We hugged for the first time in more than 40 years. I'm afraid I wouldn't be brave enough to offer myself up like that but I really admired him for it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: katlaughing Date: 08 Sep 02 - 01:18 AM My family has always hugged and I am glad of it. However, we do NOT force hugs on anyone, well...a couple of my sisters just take it for granted that they can hug family anytime without asking and that bothers me sometimes, but I've learned to pick my battles and that ain't one of them.:-) I've got one daughter who always wants a hug and another who is very private with her bod and doesn't let anyone get in her personal space univited, though she does offer me hugs and accepts them from me. My son has always been open about hugs, too. I do not like hugs from people I've just met and had no history with or a complete stranger, unless it is in an unusual circumstance. Having worked as a nurses' aid and emergency medical tech, I saw a lot of people when they were at their most vulnerable and generally needed some kind of touch, whether it was a hug or just a touch on their shoulder, so I learned how to read people and guage my offerings on what seemed acceptable to them. Rick...you'd definitely get one from me...as long as you looked comfy with it!**BG** |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: maire-aine Date: 08 Sep 02 - 01:58 AM I also came from a non-hugging family, but I'll take being hugged just about any time I can get one. But to follow up on a comment Rick made in his most recent post, about using the guitar to get women's attention-- have any women guitar players noticed it working in reverse to get guys? I haven't noticed that effect, even among other women, not just myself. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Mr Red Date: 08 Sep 02 - 07:48 AM Hugger but it took a situation to make it stick. death of sister in my case. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Pennny Date: 08 Sep 02 - 09:29 AM An elderly woman was telling me about how shocked she was when she tried to give her sixteen year old grandson a goodbye hug and he froze with his arms hanging at his side. She interpreted this non receiving or giving back hug as a sign of something very odd. Not everyone likes to be hugged by everyone and before we impose our squeezes it might be better to take someone's hand between both of ours and look at the person and gently smile. That says alot too. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Tinker Date: 08 Sep 02 - 09:47 AM For business reasons I now spend some time in the world of air-kissers with my husband. Coming from a hugger type of family I don't know if I'll every get this right....As I've grown older ( my life experience, well expanded) I find my hugs more situational than person specific. Somedays I just don't want to hug on meeting and on others I can't resist... Go figure... Tinker |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Amos Date: 08 Sep 02 - 11:37 AM The air-kissers have a world? Cool!! I always thought they were just a sorta fungus on this one! LOL! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Joe Offer Date: 08 Sep 02 - 12:31 PM After twenty-five years in exile in California, this Wisconsin boy has learned to tolerate hugs, with reluctance. I still prefer a hearty Midwestern handshake. My tactic is to offer my hand first, and avoid the hug. I have learned to accept hugs with some modicum of grace, but I was appalled the other day - a nun kissed me on the cheek... -Joe Offer- |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Morticia Date: 08 Sep 02 - 02:19 PM also from a non-huggy family....although we are getting the hang of it now. I don't hug unless I know you or feel I know you or the situation seems appropriate ( weddings, funerals,.... that sort of thing).Howsomever, I feel like I know lots of people here so when I get to the Getaway please take this as an open invitation to hug if you would like to *BG*. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Rick Fielding Date: 08 Sep 02 - 02:22 PM Jeesus Joe! What was that Nun doing coming up on you from behind!!?? OK, now that we're gettin' down to the nuts and bolts of greeting-etiquette, I've got a REAL issue to deal with....and I even think it may warrant another thread. Lets keep this one for "hugging techniques and reactions" and I'll call the new one. "Handshakes from Hades"! By the way....hate to be so much in the majority but I ALSO come from a family where hugging NEVER occurred...it's a wonder ANY of us can tolerate it now...Thank Goodness for the folk community!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 08 Sep 02 - 04:52 PM The thing symbolised by hugging is you trust the other person not to stab you in the back. Handshakes express a lesser degree of trust - holding them at armslength, while mutually checking that there's no weapon in the other person's hand.
As Bill D says up there: "Hugs express something more than a polite handshake". It's when hugs get used in place of a handshake that I distrust them - it's a bit the way you get salesmen calling you by your first name as a technique. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Rick Fielding Date: 08 Sep 02 - 05:22 PM TRUST THE OTHER PERSON NOT TO STAB YOU IN THE BACK!!?? Jeez McGrath, I've let AGENTS hug me! I'll be more careful in the future Here's the other thread that sort of goes with this. Cheers Rick |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 08 Sep 02 - 05:28 PM Well, it's the human equvalent of a dog rolling over on its back. Whereas handshakes are more like sniffing round the rear end. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Joe Offer Date: 08 Sep 02 - 05:33 PM Gees, Kevin. Can you think of a more graphic way to describe that? Are you calling me a butt-sniffer? -Joe Offer- |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: DougR Date: 08 Sep 02 - 06:00 PM I came from a hugging family, and I hug when appropriate, but Kendall you come at me with "arms wide open," and I'm gonna run! Bobert, I do have to admit that you have a good hugging technique, but I've been meaning to tell you ...the pat on the butt is not really necessary. DougR |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: GUEST,Russ Date: 08 Sep 02 - 06:27 PM The ususal story here. Non-hugging family. Hugging is now one of my standard options for greeting people. I have tended to think of hugging as a "boomer" thing. I don't remember my parents and their peers doing much of it. I remember hugging more as something adults did with children. I usually hug only people I know. It is not my default greeting for first contact. But I don't hug everybody I know. Some people come across as more standoffish than others. The only realy dilemma I sometimes face is when to start hugging in the relationship. I try to err on the side of hugging. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: An Croenen Date: 08 Sep 02 - 06:31 PM I enjoy a good hug, but I rarely take the initiative for a hug, except with my kids. My friends will hug me mostly to say goodbye, rather than when we say hi. I will hug a friend in distress, but I worry about coming across as patronising and I'm really careful with it. Within my family it is not part of our body language, even in terrible situations where a hug could be ace. It surprises me that noone has mentioned the body-odour yet. To me, hugs can be great or awful because of how someone smells. I'm not even referring to perfume or sweat, just the natural smell of someone is so prominent in a hug. I read somewhere that we subconsciously check out other people's smell and prefer those people with the set of antibodies furtherst related from ours, in other words (if I'm saying this correctly) the ones that would produce the most resilient offspring. Innocent hugs, ha? Who were you fooling? ;) An |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 08 Sep 02 - 08:03 PM Well, dogs have different ways of communicating. We haven't got tails to wag, so we have to rely on smiling and that, and hand signals.
After all, as Chesterton pointed out:
They haven't got no noses,
And Quoodle here discloses |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: MMario Date: 08 Sep 02 - 08:12 PM I give good hug - I like getting hugged - usually - sometimes - it depends. there are people I could hug for hours - there are others I don't weven want to touch. Some people I don't need to hug because just being around them is as good as the best hug. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: kendall Date: 08 Sep 02 - 08:37 PM Don't worry Doug, I only hug people I know, and, the only republican I hug is my daughter! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: bbc Date: 08 Sep 02 - 08:45 PM kendall, I'm sorry to break this to you, but you've hugged me many times & I've been a Republican ever since I was old enough to vote! : ) love & hugs, bbc |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: DougR Date: 08 Sep 02 - 09:00 PM Hey, bbc! Good to see you are still around! I have a hunch Kendall rarely asks any woman what her politics is before he hugs them. He just likes to jab me. I don't know why, I'm always nice to him. DougR |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: kendall Date: 08 Sep 02 - 09:57 PM Not so Doug! Believe me, if I wanted to "jab" you, you would know it! LOL. bbc, sorry, I forgot. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: katlaughing Date: 08 Sep 02 - 10:36 PM Kevin, I think a handshake is more like a tail wag with dogs, rather than sniffing the behind. That sniffing usually follows the nose touch, the tail wag, and the stiff legged tango..'course not always, depending on how the other |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Amos Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:43 AM Aw, bbc!! Couldn' you wait until his spirits are up before you tell him he's been hugging REpublicans?? LOL!! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: hesperis Date: 09 Sep 02 - 02:21 AM I'm huggy, but not with some people... I detest those fake polite hugs that aren't really hugs... and the cheek-kissing thing freaks me out... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Liz the Squeak Date: 09 Sep 02 - 02:35 AM I come from a family that is so non tactile, I sometimes wonder how I was conceived! Even now, the most tactile contact I have is with a) my daughter and b) my best friend - but he's being a git at the moment and hasn't been round for months. Shame, because I love a good hug, and a snuggle from behind is even nicer.... Ah well.... perhaps I should get myself a koala - if I can find one that doesn't have halitosis, permanent eucalyptus body odour and that stoned expression.... Maybe I should rethink the Koala thing..... LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: JudeL Date: 09 Sep 02 - 06:55 AM All these people that come from non-hugging families, I didn't realise that families hugging was so unusual. I grew up in a family of confirmed huggers. To me, a hug is an expression of affection and fellowship. Intelectually I can understand how for someone that confuses a simple hug with sex the idea of hugging their parents or children must seem repulsive, but emotionally it must be very lonely. BTW Liz - you have my number, anytime you need a hug call me. Jude |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: SharonA Date: 09 Sep 02 - 10:21 AM I, too, come from a non-hugging family. Most of the physical affection seemed to have been reserved for the cats! So I'm still not comfortable with hugs from anyone but an intimate partner (when I have one in my life!). I have a Quaker friend who always greets me with a hug and a kiss; I hug her back (uncomfortably) but I draw the line at kissing! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Rick Fielding Date: 09 Sep 02 - 10:28 AM I guess I've hugged: Republicans, Democrats and Naderites in the States. Progressive Conservatives, Liberals and NDPers here in Canada. Tories, Labour, Liberals and Raving Loonie Party-ites in England. I like to think that I'm an equal opportunity hugger. Cheers Rick
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: GUEST,bbc at work Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:00 PM Hey, kendall, I hope it was my political affiliation you forgot, rather than the hugs! I like to think they are somewhat memorable. ;) More seriously, I will hug almost anyone who acts like they need one or is open to receiving one. As far as I can tell, hardly any of us are getting as much physical contact as we need to be emotionally healthy. I'm willing to do my part! For the record, I came from a family w/ an affectionate mom & a reserved dad; I've been a toucher from Day 1. Yup, Doug, I'm still around & hoping you'll come by NY sometime, so I can hug another Republican! Amos, I just couldn't help myself! BTW--thread creep--I draw the line at kissing. I prefer to reserve that for family & SO, particularly lip-kissing. best, bbc |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Amos Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:08 PM Dang!! Another dream up in smoke!! LOL!! I unnerstand, bbw. Just funnin' witcha. A
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Art Thieme Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:21 PM Please see the "Rasmussen Regales Royal Rile" thread... Art Thieme |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: catspaw49 Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:33 PM Interesting. Opposed to most of you, I come from a very touchy-feely family and as an adult I've had to learn to read the person so I didn't overdo it. Let's face it, some people just aren't into hugs. But I'm still touchy-feely and it's worked well in situations where it was not an accepted thing to do. For instance, you must be very careful how you express love if you're a foster parent....sounds a bit nuts, but it's letigious country. It didn't stop us, but it took some time with the kids for them to accept what we gave in the manner we meant it. The best experience came in teaching. I taught 16-19 year old males who had a hard time expressing caring type emotions even when they wanted to. I had them as juniors and a different teacher had them as seniors. I treated them as adults, he didn't. I was a teacher, but I was also their friend (who they often referred to as "Big Dog"). I got them used to the occasional hand on the shoulder and the generally touchy things like that along with the usual teen slap fight games. When the senior teacher had problems, the admin got used to calling me in to mediate until one day the Director saw it wasn't really working because they would cool down only for awhile. His line was, "Patterson comes in, puts his arm around a few shoulders, gets a few laughs, and all's right with the world." When that group graduated it was a high point of my life, a time you know you've had success. We had also spoken about how only a few simple words could express the way you felt as in the men saying good night to Mr. Roberts in the movie. I even showed them the movie! As they came across and received their diplomas, they shook hands as they were supposed to until they got to me. It actually took me a moment to figure out what was going on. They had it worked out though and each one gave me a hug (remember these are teen males in front of their peers) and said, "Good-bye Mr. P. and thanks....." Still can't think about that one without crying............. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: katlaughing Date: 09 Sep 02 - 12:52 PM Geez, Spaw...my keyboard is all wet. That's plumb beautiful. I'm glad to find I am not the only one who came from a family of huggers! Shoulda known! kat |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: An Croenen Date: 09 Sep 02 - 04:44 PM I visited the States when I was 12 and remember the very first hug I got, there (my mum had prepared me for this thing called hugging). In Belgium, people don't hug generally; they're more into kissing. So the first hug I got, in the States, I surprised the lady by kissing her (just out of habit, I'm afraid). And there are codes as to how many kisses you give depending on the social circles. In France it's very usual to give four kisses: 1-2-1-2. Belgians will give you three when you're friends, and perhaps one when it's family, unless you haven't seen eachother for a while. Funnily enough, I have noticed that people in England start with their first kiss on the cheek opposite to the one we pick first (which potentially leads to kissclashing :), and they only give two. Unless they hug. Arh all so confusing. My question is: is hugging not more commonly done in the States than in England? I just wondered. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: McGrath of Harlow Date: 09 Sep 02 - 05:18 PM Then there's slapping people on they back and punching them in the stomach. When to punch and when to slap and when to hug and when to kiss...Life gets complicated. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Liz the Squeak Date: 09 Sep 02 - 05:43 PM The kissing the air several inches away from the face is known in the UK as the 'Mayfiar Kiss' and is a term of affection guaranteed not to smudge make up or mess up hair. It is not to be confused with the 'Glasgae Kiss' which is guaranteed to smudge make up and mess up not only hair but quite often facial features as well. LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Steve Latimer Date: 09 Sep 02 - 05:50 PM 'Spaw, great story. Unfortunately, teachers today (at least here) aren't allowed to make any physical contact with children. Liz, ah the Glasgae Kiss, that's almost another thread. (I've felt like giving it to some of the phonies who've laid a hug on me). |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: GUEST,Lepus Rex, grr, cookie... Date: 10 Sep 02 - 01:00 AM I pretty much only hug my grandmothers, or very, very close friends, so, uh, I'm a non-hugger. I'll occasionally hug my mother, on mother-related holidays, and my niece, when I want to annoy her, or sometimes my aunt when she's in town on a rare visit. But otherwise, I try to keep hugging non-girlfriends to a minimum. Also, I dislike it when I'm eating in my car, in a parking lot, and some jackass pulls up next to me, to eat his meal. I mean, if I wanted to eat with cretins, I'd go inside. This may be related to the hugging thing, somehow... ---Lepus Rex |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Rick Fielding Date: 10 Sep 02 - 11:06 AM My friend Tam Kearney does "The Glasgow Kiss" to perfection! I run like hell when I see him!! Rick |
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Subject: RE: BS: Huggers, Non-Huggers, and Huggees! From: Kim C Date: 10 Sep 02 - 03:52 PM Well, I'm a Libertarian and I'd probably hug Kendall too, just because I like him, all political stuff aside. Us Grandpa Jones fans gotta stick together, after all. ;-) I guess you could say I am a hugger by nature, although I don't really remember if it was a family thing or not. My brother is not so much a hugger. Mister is quite a hugger, because his dad never stopped hugging his sons just because they grew up. And he will hug his male friends that he knows really well. I mean, heck, if you hug everybody, it kind of loses its meaning. I have had strangers hug me before because they liked my singing. And I don't mind that. They are showing gratitude and that's all right with me. Some folks aren't huggers, and that's all right with me too. I am not a social kisser, however. There's maybe one or two people I would kiss on the cheek, outside of family, but not many. I personally don't mind being kissed myself, just don't expect me to return it. |