BS: American jokes

Subject: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,The O'Meara
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:16 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

There are thousands of jokes about countries and/or ethnic groups: "How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris?", "Why do Germans...", "Canada wants to send military aid..." etc. So it seems to me there ought to be jokes in those countries going the other way "How many Americans does it take..."

Anybody out there know any?

O'Meara

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Morticia
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:39 AM

Do we really have to have these kinds of jokes at all?

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: mack/misophist
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:45 AM

It would be good for us Americans to see how the world characterizes us. And some of the jokes might be funny.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: beadie
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:52 AM

How amny Americans does it take to change a light bulb?


Just one, he stands on the ladder, holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around him.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 12:04 PM

From an American, how about one in the style of Henny Youngman..........."Take my President.....Please!"

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 12:08 PM

"Canada wants to send military aid...". Ya knooooowwww... we just lost the last surviving veteran of Vimy Ridge. An almost unbelieveable story of the toughness we supplied during WWII and a turning point in that war. Daylia reminded us recently on another thread of the Dieppe raid and of the sacrifice Canada made on D-Day. My father used to tell of the fact that the Canucks waited on the roadside for three days so that the Brits and Yanks could catch up and all enter Rome together. My father-in-law was badly wounded by a potato masher shortly after the battle of Monte Christo (sp ?) in an advance scout party well behind enemy lines. You can't spend an evening with my uncle without him reminding everyone that the majority of front line officers were Canucks in a special placement in command of allied troops from a various nations. Or of how he was reported dead to his mother after being behind enemy lines for over a week, radioing info back and ducking bullets on his motorcycle. I could go on, but I won't, cause I'm just a Canuck from one of the lowly colonies. Hey, I can take a joke, but sometimes.... oh well, I'll have another beer. That's what we Canucks are (more) famous for.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: C-flat
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 01:02 PM

Well there's the old one about the American farmer, holidaying in the U.K. and boasting over a drink in a village pub about how much bigger his farm was than the small local farms were....
"If I got into my truck and set off driving in any direction, it would take me till sundown to reach the boundary of my farm!"

"Aye!" said the wrinkled old farmer sitting by the fire, "I used to have a truck like that!"

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 01:09 PM

Ahhh... a Bud, no less. There, I've got my Canuck temper under control. My apologies for that outburst. How many Canucks does it take to change a lightbulb ? Lord t'underin' Jaysus Bye ! Leave da blood of a bitch out. The powers goin' hup nudder t'ree percent end a March mont' ! Do yer work inna daylight !

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 01:17 PM

Then there's the one about the Texan in NF bragging about the bigger this and that and how fast everything gets built back home. Driving by the Hotel NF in St. John's, the Texan asks what building that is. The Newf replies, "I don't know, wasn't there this morning."

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 01:53 PM

Courtesy of This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.


heh

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:06 PM

Who did that rant Clinton ? Sounds like classic JB, but, alas, he has gone on to smaller and worse things.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST, herc
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:06 PM

gnu: My grandfather (29th Battalion) was in the mud at Vimy Ridge and Paaschendaele and elsewhere. I hang a picture at home of his platoon, with "x"'s that he drew across the chests of those who died in Vimy Ridge (most of them.)

I personally don't get any twinges of patriotism out of it. What it does do to me all the time is impart a sense of amazement and humility at the toughness of the generations who preceded us, in all the participating countries.

(and, to throw in a bit of editorialization, right now it shames me when I think of smart bombs targeted at third world populations, enlisted or otherwise.)

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:34 PM

herc... it does not shame me... it saddens me. In the end, I think we all know that the only justifiable cause for war is to free the poor subjugated by the rich; to free the weak subjugated by the strong. Unfortunately, much of what is imminently before us is grey and we, the peons, can only hope that our leaders have good in their hearts and have ultimate peace on their minds; and that the immediate objectives of today lead to the strategic objectives of tomorrow.... peace and goodwill among men. If I was to think that it is only about a bunch of power hungry oil barons, I'd be beyond sad.

As for patriotic feelings, I admit, nay, proclaim, that I am proud of this country, of what it has done, and for what it stands. I also have feelings and admiration for those brave souls who fought for such freedom regardless of nation... and for those that will. To me, patriotism comes from being able to attach goodwill and good judgement to the actions of a nation, and I think Canada rates that patriotism.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST, herc
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:36 PM

"By the end of 1916, Canada's front-line battalions required 75,000 men annually, just to replace losses."
http://www.hellfire-corner.demon.co.uk/jchapman.htm

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: catspaw49
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:42 PM

Talk about thread drift.......First time I recall being bummed out on a joke thread. I think this one has passed "Thread Drift" and also has passed "Thread Creep" and is now in the "Thread Blown All To Hell" category.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:43 PM

Alrighty then !!! Canuck and Yank send beer away to lab to be anylysed. Cdn beer results comes back : 8% alcohol, 10 % etc. US beer results comes back : Dear Sir... we are sorry to inform you that your horse has died of diabetes. (Yes, I drink Bud. Better than getting it from the horse.)

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 02:53 PM

Yeeees Spaw and I take full responsibility. Perhaps I should change my moniker to thread killer ? Okaaaay.... how many Canucks does it take to change a light bulb ? Are you counting the snowplow driver so's we can get to Crappy Tire for to get a bulb ?

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST, herc
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:09 PM

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Buckeye joke?" The guy next to him says, "Before you start, you should know something. I'm a black belt, and just happen to be an Ohio State alumni. The guy sitting next to me, the two-hundred pounder, is from OSU. The fella next to him just happens to be an OSU alumni. Better be funny. You sure you want to tell it?"

The guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:13 PM

What's got about a forty thousand legs and an IQ of 250?
The student body at the University of Kentucky.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Blackcatter
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:16 PM

Since when are Canadians Americans?

Oh - wait . . .

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gareth
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:16 PM

OK two American Jokes, heard from those who were there.

1/. Picture the scene - NATO execises in the Mediteranean Sea in the 1950's

US Navy and Royal Navy in joint manouevers.

US Admiral in command.

Over the Radio "Weeel, Lets try some high speed manouvers, Y'all"

"When I say a word begining with "S" all units will turn to Starboard, and when I say a Word begining with "P" all units will turn to Port"

The manouvers continue.

" Sugar Sugar Sugar" and all units turned to Starboard.

"Peter Peter Peter" and all units turned to Port.

"Phycology Phycology Phycology" (SP) and the RN turned to Port, and the USN turned to Starboard.

(Told to me by an old RN (Ret) Leading Signalman.)

2/. "When the Luftwaffe flew over, the Allies took cover,
When the RAF flew over the Wermacht took cover,
And when the USAAF flew over everybody took cover"

(Told to me by my father - Whose unit orders were, if you can't see RAF markings, open fire)

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Blackcatter
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:19 PM

Remember that in the U.S. we joke about people from other states or regions.

Of course I can't think of any right now.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: *daylia*
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:41 PM

Clinton that's hilarious! Thanks, and HOSERS RULE eh?!!

Here's an Ameri-Can joke for y'all ...

"A Canadian is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Canada folk eat the whole bread??"

Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American has a smirk on his face. The Canadian listens in silence.

The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??"

Canadian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada."

The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."


But this one's been my favorite of late ... he he!

daylia

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 03:57 PM

Blackcatter... hehehehe. Okay now. Contribute. It's all about a laugh.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 06:14 PM

How is American Beer like making love in a canoe?










Because it is f***ing close to water

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,kim
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 07:51 PM

All I know re. battle prowess is that my grandfather (English) said that the Canadians were great and the Yanks more yellow than the Japanese. Ouch!

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Troll
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 10:27 PM

Does anyone know how to tell the difference between Bud Lite and water?












Me neither.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:05 PM

ok Blackcatter- a joke coming from Minnesota-


Why does the Mississippi run south?


Because Iowa sucks.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Mar 03 - 11:16 PM

gnu, Vimy was in WW1.

And the rant was by Colin Mochrie on 22minutes. You can watch a video of it at 22minutes.com and even show your support for Marg in her bid for the Liberal leadership.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gurney
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 12:22 AM

A gentle Les Barker crack...

When I was in Alabama, I saw a great big stone building, and do you know what was chiselled over the doorway?

Mobile Library!

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: leprechaun
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 05:35 AM

What do you call a person who speaks three languages?
Trilingual.

What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
Bilingual.

What do you call a person who speaks one language?
American.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 05:59 AM

Marg for PM... wish I could vote twice. Thanks for the link Cluin. Cluin... yes, your answer on Vimy is correct. Did my post say otherwise... if so, I apologize. By the way guys, there's nothing wrong with Bud. I mean the Canehdian Bud brewed by LaBatts. That American Bud is, uh, different.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 08:56 AM

Budweiser is little better than, well, water, and not much better than that.

But America is again learning to brew good beers.

"America -- eventually, she learns."

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 09:56 AM

According to the Bible, it rained for forty days and forty nights, and Noah was begining to worry about the stability of the Ark. Although he had very little formal education, he understood that all the large animal manure piling up was creating an unstable ship. To correct the problem he issued shovels to "all hands" including all the monkeys and apes, who shovelled over the side all the animal shit; and there it lay till Christopher Columbus discovered it.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: beadie
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 10:07 AM

Rustic Rebel:

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Alice
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 11:03 AM

A North Dakotan Game:
Two North Dakotans go into a dark closet.
One sneeks out, and the other one tries to guess who is missing.

--

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire
a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

--

The federal government is trying to decide whether The FBI, the CIA, or the Los Angeles Police Department is the most effective at
apprehending criminals. The issue is to be decided with a test - a rabbit is put in a forest and each organization has to find it.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

    The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

--

It is said that Mohandas Ghandi was asked, "What is your opinion of American civilization?"

His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."

--


An American, an Australian, and a Canadian are drinkng beer.

      The American grabs his beer, knocks it back in one gulp, and then throws the glass into the air and shoots it with his handgun. As he sets the
handgun on the bar, he tells the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they have so much money they never drink out of the same
glass twice.

      Next the Australian drinks his beer, throws the glass into the air and shoots the glass with the American's gun. As he sets the gun back on the
bar he, proclaims that in Australia they have so much sand that glass is cheap, and he too never drinks out of the same glass twice.

      Next the Canadian drinks his beer, grabs the gun off the bar, and shoots the American. As he sets the gun back on the bar, he tells the
Australian, "In Canada, we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice".

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Alice
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 11:06 AM

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a
Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son
translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to
translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but they refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was "Watch out for these guys;
they have come to steal your land."

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: GUEST,The O'Meara
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 11:19 AM

Whew! For awhile there I thought the thread was totally lost! (I might poke fun at the Canadian government, even the culture, but no one should ever doubt their courage under fire. "Sergeant MacKenzie" is one of the most moving songs ever written!)

Back in the early 1900s, during the heyday of Teddy Roosevelt, a yank was visiting London and decided to post a letter home. He barged into the post office, stepped up to the counter, and in a loud, blustery voice said "How much to send a letter to God's country - the greatest nation on earth - the good ol' U.S. of A?" Without batting an eye the clerk calmly responded "Tuppence. Same as the other the colonies."

Keep 'em coming.

O'Meara

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: ard mhacha
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 02:13 PM

"Ladies and Gentlemen, The President of the United States" and out come Bush, now that really is funny. Ard Mhacha.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 02:40 PM

Beadie:

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 03:40 PM

Perhaps not a joke, but, during the Prince Edward Island potatoe crisis a couple of years ago, (the PVYN (PVN ?) virus was found in one corner of one farmer's field in PEI and the Yanks just refused to let ANY potatoes across the border from the Maritimes) President Bush was wined and dined by our big guy, Jean. For nearly four days, Garge was served Patates d'Isle du Prince Edouard (close enough) at every meal. At the end of the trip, Jean asked him about the quality of the spuds. After he responded most favourably, Jean had a "talk" with him and the outright ban at the border was lifted.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: kendall
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 12:31 PM

Clinton, that was very funny!
\
....the first marines went over the top parlay vous
"                     "                      "
"                           "               "
the first marines went over the top
picked up the pennies the Canadians dropped,
inky dinky parley vous.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: gnu
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 12:33 PM

Hey bye. Where are ya to ? Ere ye back from the south or wha ?

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 11:48 PM

Yanks think 200 years is a long time, and Brits think 200 miles is a long way.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: KarlMarx
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 11:42 AM

It is said that Mohandas Ghandi was asked, "What is your opinion of American civilization?"

His reply: "I think it would be an excellent idea."

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: KarlMarx
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 12:35 PM

The following is allegedly the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 06:47 PM

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Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Gareth
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 06:54 PM

Yeee ! Haaaa ! LOL !!!!!!

Gareth - needing a clean pair of underpants !

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: The Walrus
Date: 16 Mar 03 - 08:43 PM

SCENE: A traffic jam outside Paris, the usual bored drivers when along the line of traffic a group of men are seen knocking on the window of each car and chatting to the driver.

CALLER: Have you heard the news? Al Quaida have managed to kidnap George W, they're threatening that unless the get a billion dollers US and an apology from the American government, they're going to doude him in petrol and set him alight, so my colleagues and I are going from car to car to collect what we can.
DRIVER: So what's everyone else giving?
CALLER: Oh, on average, five litres.

All right, so I shouldn't listen to jokes in the pub (and yes it is funnier after a few pints).

Walrus

Subject: RE: BS: American jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Mar 03 - 10:44 AM

These are great! I especially like the Your Call from the lovely Canadians. Sounds just like an American, somehow, to demand the right of passage.