BS: A little bit of self pity!

Subject: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 21 May 03 - 12:52 PM

< indulgence >

I haven't posted on Mudcat for absolutely ages, and I'm being a bit indulgent with my first post for a while - please forgive me!

As some of you may know, I split up with my best-friend-and-fiance a year and a half ago. We were living in different places as I was studying in England and he was working in Ireland. The distance was just too painful and to cut a long story short, we couldn't cope.

Fast forward about a year and I am diagnosed with clinical depression. Life is unlivable for me, and I can't find a single cause - just a collection of things that hurt (work, friendship, relationships) and the fact that the world is a horrible and nasty place. I never understood depression before I got it - and I never want to go through it again.
Six months on, I've seen a counsellor and been on the anti-ds since November, and am expected to keep taking them til Christmas this year. But things are so much better, I can focus, I can think, and I don't want to hurt myself (or others) anymore. I can actually get through a day without obsessing about death (usually mine).
I have formed a wonderful friendship with a bloke I was dating, and he has helped me through so much, but I can't face another relationship like the one I had with my ex-fiance. I feel like I'm betraying the memory of what I had before.

Trouble is, now that the depression has faded, I'm suddenly hit with an overwhelming wave of grief at losing a relationship that meant so much to me. I'd do anything to try again with him. Only problem - he has a new girlfriend, and tells me he's moved on. I'm happy for him, but my god it hurts.
The worst thing is I now think that when he and I split up I was actually depressed before that - in retrospect I can see all the symptoms - but I didn't think to seek medical help, and I couldn't cope alone, so the result was me and my fiance breaking up as he couldn't physically be there for me, and I couldn't handle the pain of separation.

So, this is my self-pitying whinge plus a word of advice, as all the best folk songs have moral last verses:
I still don't believe that love is all-conquering and that fate will decide, but I do know now that if something is worth fighting for, do it, because you might not get a second chance.

(p.s. It's really not the done thing to start a petition to get him back, is it? ;-)

< /indulgence >

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: GUEST,Sorcha
Date: 21 May 03 - 12:54 PM

(((((((((((((((Fib)))))))))))))))))

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 21 May 03 - 12:57 PM

thanks sorchs.

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: GUEST
Date: 21 May 03 - 12:58 PM

(((((((((((((fibs))))))))))))))))

i know you're a wonderful woman...who has alot to offer the right lad...it may be that youre ex was not the right one...or it may be that he is...and sometime in the future the two of you will get back together...but don't count on it...

As it is...the current bloke is not right....a transition fellow maybe...but not right...or esle you'd be forgetting past woes instead of still dwelling on them...

Now I hope things look up for you soon...take care,

amergin

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 21 May 03 - 01:01 PM

cheers nathan - I hope things are going well for you at the moment - I remember all to well you had a very rough patch a while ago.

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Leadfingers
Date: 21 May 03 - 01:15 PM

(((((((((((fibs)))))))))))))

After the storming weekend you organised for us at Portaferry I really
am sorry to hear things have not been to good for you.I know all about how you feel after a long relationship folds (mine was nearly ten years)but it does get easier , honest.
    Lots of vibes for better things .


                                    Terry

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 21 May 03 - 02:33 PM

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} from your SS.

You've got a friend in Kentucky if you ever see your way west across the pond again.

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Bobert
Date: 21 May 03 - 03:07 PM

Like the song says, "There's more pretty girls than one..."

I'm sure that applies as well to men.

So get on with it.

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 May 03 - 03:44 PM

Nice to see ya back!

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: GUEST,amergin
Date: 21 May 03 - 04:47 PM

Oh things are a bit stressed here with layoffs and everything...but I'll get through them (i got the magic prozac pill)..

I really hope things turn out for you soon...and don't hesitate to let us know how things are going.

nathan

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Amos
Date: 21 May 03 - 05:01 PM

There's a real thin line, Fib, where the present keeps slipping into the future. Plant your feet on it and enjoy the ride, and all will be well.

Love,

A

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Peg
Date: 21 May 03 - 05:51 PM

Been there. It gets better.

Everything happens as it should, provided you are paying attention. That doesn't mean you never get hurt. Life is not safe or even pleasant most of the time. But you are strong enough to move on and stay positive; that will get you through.

Good luck!

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Desdemona
Date: 21 May 03 - 06:35 PM

Hiya,

Depression *SUCKS*, there's just no 2 ways about it (been there as well, although under rather different circs). When you're in the midst of it you can't even see the dense fog all around you; I was utterly abject for about 6 months before seeking counselling, and for another 6 months vehemently objected to the mere suggestion that I could be in need of pharmaceuticals, since I fely my own stiff upper lip should be adequate to the purpose.

Long story short: the meds helped me be a functional & productive person, and while they weren't able to cure the cause of my unhappiness, they at least alleviated the symptoms. That said, I SO hear you re:reeling from the grief NOW; this is very probably because you were so mired in the clinical depression at the time of your break-up that you weren't able to really feel it.

Sadly, there's no way around our emotions, but only through them; when we delay doing so we only wind up having to pay the piper later (sometimes with interest, alas). Please keep the faith & know that in all likelihhod this, too, shall pass. It bites heartily that your ex has "moved on"; maybe he has, maybe he hasn't, but YOU have to allow yourself your emotions and focus on doing what's best for yourself.

Sorry to be so long-winded, but I guess your note struck a chord in me; I'll be thinking of you.

All the best,

D.

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Micca
Date: 21 May 03 - 06:59 PM

{{{{{{{{Fibs}}}}}}}}}
If it feels like a bereavement, fibs , Mate, IT PROBABLY IS, so give yourself some slack and let yourself recover, it takes a time some times until you feel sufficiently recovered to even think of letting somone close again, BUT you will recover, and we all think the Star organiser of Portaferry is pretty good,and will all help if we can.
You know you have aplace to stay in London if you need it!

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: alanabit
Date: 22 May 03 - 04:04 AM

Some parts of your life are working well. If you think about those parts more, the rest will follow. Good luck.

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Morticia
Date: 22 May 03 - 04:57 AM

((((hugs)))).....wish there were more I could do or say, but I'll be thinking of you.

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: smallpiper
Date: 22 May 03 - 05:29 AM

Move on, don't look back look forward. Remmember the good times you had, smile about them and consign them to the past where they belong. If you allow your thoughts about your ex to intrude too much on today then they will only fill your life with regrets and maybes they will stop you from living your life now. Then you will find yourself slipping back into depression.

The bloke in your life at the moment dosn't stand a chance as you sound too fixed on your lost love. It is important when managing depression to live your life in the here and now.

Good luck and hugs

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 22 May 03 - 05:47 AM

Thank you all for your kindness. I really appreciate it.

Desdemona - you summed it up so well, especially the bit about "I felt my own stiff upper lip should be adequate to the purpose."
That's how I felt/feel. I feel guilty that I couldn't cope, and that I should have been a "stronger person" as I've always prided myself on being so capable. I was fairly disgusted at myself. It's hard to accept depression as an actual illness when it seems to be all in the mind, so to speak.

At least I know what I'm feeling now is not the same thing. The grief over losing someone is painful and heartwrenching, but it's not the same as sitting with a knife in your hand trying in vain to think of a reason not to hurt yourself. Hopefully both the depression and the heartbreak will fade and not return.

Thank you all again for your support. I've missed this place!

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: hesperis
Date: 22 May 03 - 08:16 AM

Awwww. Glad you're in the second stage now though. Take care! *Hug*

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Walking Eagle
Date: 22 May 03 - 12:06 PM

Been there, done that as well. I keep 'going there' though. Not as bad as at first though, the meds are helpful. That last little bit of letting go is reallllllllllly hard! I'm working on that as well from a failed marriage.

Luck to you, my friend.

W.E.

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: GUEST
Date: 23 May 03 - 03:44 AM

Been there.....done that. I am much improved and can't believe how I got through the last year. It will get better (honest) As for your lost love....well what's for you won't go by you as my auld granny used to say. Basically what Smallpiper said.....and don't rush into anything whoever kind and comforting the offer!!!!!!!!!!!
(((((((((((((((Fib))))))))))))))

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: alison
Date: 23 May 03 - 04:53 AM

((((((((((Fib)))))))))))))

another hug from all the way down here in OZ.... hasn't been an easy last year here either..... but you and me were raised on champ and pasties.... we can survive anything...... *grin*


slainte

alison

Subject: RE: BS: A little bit of self pity!
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 May 03 - 09:19 AM

And from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out West in Idaho:

Me, too. Been there with the depression, and I had it for at least twenty years before I recognized it and got it treated.

You can't change the past and you can't wallow in it, but you CAN learn from it. And you can't even guess what the future holds: it's like a book you can only tell a little about but which you will have to read. Fortunately, you can help write the book by using what you learned in the past to assist in guiding your present -- and the present helps to write the future.

Don't let them take you off the meds all at once -- if you're on an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), for instance, you have to taper off. Otherwise the whole gloomy mess can come back worse than before -- I've seen it happen to others.

Make music, too. It helps to put your feelings into music and either let them go or have others share them.