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BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Bat Goddess Date: 04 Jan 09 - 01:48 PM I must have missed this thread in 2003. By the way, this thread was not started by me -- Bat Goddess (Linn Schulz in Nottingham, NH, USA), but by...Partridge? Is that you? Anywho, this thread has nothing to do with porches or drunks in Nottingham, New Hampshire, USA or anything that I (Mudcat Bat Goddess since 1998) has any knowledge about. Please don't confuse the two identit ies! (Thank you.) Linn |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: GUEST,Bat Goddess SS(2003) Date: 04 Jan 09 - 05:48 AM Well its been over 5 years since that drunk crept under my porch, funny it seems like yesterday. He cured the bible bashers - there now all channeling beings from the Pleiades. He taught me the way of the grape and the hop in exchange for the truths of yeast extract and very rich cheese dishes( a fair exchange) He no longer sings of the bawdy young lasses from the bowels of the porch - occasionaly when the moon is full.......I join him there life is beautiful Bat Goddess SS AKA Patridge xxx |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Art Thieme Date: 03 Jan 09 - 09:34 PM I would use Velveeta! Art |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: VirginiaTam Date: 03 Jan 09 - 10:56 AM I understand in Rochester the yoof come outta the pubs in town centre and piss into peoples letter boxes. Remind me not to buy house in town centre. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Gervase Date: 02 Jan 09 - 01:16 PM Grief, I saw this thread and wondered what the heck Micca had done now! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: GUEST,heric Date: 02 Jan 09 - 12:41 PM aha Amos, I see you're off the nicotine today, too - and you're already back to 2003 in the threads! I feel your pain. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: gnu Date: 02 Jan 09 - 11:53 AM Someone hung over? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Amos Date: 02 Jan 09 - 11:48 AM WHo in their right mind would not like bagpipes? A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: LadyJean Date: 01 Nov 03 - 11:47 PM most of the unfortunates who sleep in doorways in the alley near my house, are sober. I leave food, and the occasional pir of warm socks in those doorways. This having been said, I am vastly enjoying Bat Goddes's fictitious drunk. Perhaps she might try bagpipe music? I'm told some people don't like bagpipes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: InOBU Date: 01 Nov 03 - 06:26 PM I guess that really is it, M Ted. We see the soldiers who came back and were forgotten, the former teachers and classmates, we see the ones who are pushed out of middle america, where they have porches, and land on our stoops, hungry, cold, often drunk, and as you say, very real, often open people with storries which scream at you, there but for fortune. Cheers Larry |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Ebbie Date: 01 Nov 03 - 06:10 PM I am reminded of an old story that I'm not sure is relevant, but maybe it can be adapted to the present case. It appears that once on a camping trip in high dry desert country after a late night of imbibing and making merry, the men woke up late the next morning in their sleeping bags and discovered one of their mates sheet-white and wide-eyed with terror. He mouthed silently that there was a rattlesnake inside the sleeping bag with him. The nonplussed friends proposed various remedies- to grasp the friend under the armpits and drag him out slowly (No, no, no, don't touch me, the friend screamed silently); to shoot the varmint through the sleeping bag where he lay curled up (No,no, no, the friend screamed silently); to get the sledge hammer and with one blow despatch the critter (No, no, no, the friend screamed silently); wait until dark and see if the snake would vacate (No, no, no, get him out, I have to go to the bathroom, the friend, etc) The morning went by and the sun blazed and the friend begged silently for shade. Moving softly they erected a tarp. The friends were stumped. They sat down under a tree and fell silent. It looked like their friend was doomed. Then one man got up and going over to the friend he removed the tarp. No, no, no, the friend screamed silently, and then his eyes bulged in terror as he felt the reptile move from his legs. In fascination the men gathered 'round as the huge snake slithered up the length of the man's body and over the man's arm then on to and over his shoulder and past his neck and out upon the ground and headed for the shade. Does this give anyone any ideas? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: LadyJean Date: 31 Oct 03 - 11:52 PM I still say easy listenning music will fumigate the drunk, and the temperance league, and any skunks who may have found their way in among the crowd. Of course you WILL need earplugs. I wouldn't wish easy listenning music, on anyone I liked. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: M.Ted Date: 31 Oct 03 - 11:20 PM I actually thought that there was a drunk under someone's porch, Larry-- Having been an urban dweller for many years, it didn't really sound like an unusual problem. I've gotten to know some pretty interesting drunks, and never regretted spending time to get to know them. Also, I have found that they tend to be better mannered than a lot of the more mainstream city dwellers. A bit more real than a lot of folks, too-- |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River Date: 31 Oct 03 - 11:41 AM Look..it's simple eh? Just yell: "HEY! They're givin out FREE BEER over at the pub! ALL YA CAN DRINK!!!" He will be gone in a flash. BDiBR |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: EBarnacle Date: 31 Oct 03 - 11:32 AM Try holding a music party including at least 3 banjos and 4 accordions. Either he will leave or join the party. Either will make him easier to deal with. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: GUEST,Bat Goddess SS Date: 31 Oct 03 - 11:31 AM Well, he's lured the temperance league under the porch with promises of signing the pledge. I think they are getting high on the fumes, I'm now listening to a full chorus of Barnacle Bill the sailor. There's no marmite left, and not an elbow of macaroni. I didn't mind running to the odd meal in the hope of sobriety, but catering for for all the bible bashers is a bit much. I think I'll a-go a-wandering and leave them all there. Will update you on progress or lack of said. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River Date: 31 Oct 03 - 11:16 AM Decent! My kinda thread baby! I wanna say that most drunks aint homeless by no meens but some are. I aint homeless. Me and my bother Don shair a rental house together with 3 cats and a smelly old hound named Bart. Don works at the service startion outside Blind River. I use the word "works" kinda looslly eh? He mostly stands around with a dumb look on his face and smokes and scratches himself. (Ha! Ha!) He is an idiot but he is my brother eh? When Friday comes around we get blasted on Dons' pay and eat pizza and cruise for girls but they aint mostly nothin but skanks in this town so sometimes we fire up the pickup and go t o Sudbury for the night. Whooo-EEE!!! Hot times eh? Excpt in the winter. In the winter we snowmobile across the rivers and lakes and play chicken with trains and stuff. I figger if ya got a drunk under your porch their are a cupla posibilities. 1. He has got the hots for ya and is in a mood for romance. 2. He is just drunk and dont know where he is at. 3. Ahhh...maybe you are at his place and you made a mistake comin' home? 4. What are we talkin about...? ? ? BDiBR |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Dave Bryant Date: 31 Oct 03 - 10:07 AM Bee-dubya-ell - Why not just send John from Hull - it won't solve the problem, but it will be company for the existing drunk and the stash of booze will run out faster causing both of them to leave sooner. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Amos Date: 31 Oct 03 - 09:16 AM The Porch Drunk Extractor's Salvation Army Marching Song We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band! On the right side of temperance we now take our stand We're bringing our banjo, our guitars and more To excavate drunkards from by your front door! Now you who are drunkards, pray listen to me You won't like our sermons, our thick piety Our music will fry you with dissonance unkind! Get out from that porch now, if you value your mind! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Charley Noble Date: 31 Oct 03 - 09:05 AM And the morning after? Well, this reminds me of one of my late Father's favorite stories from the days he delivered milk around our small Maine island. Father usually took a couple of hours to do the route, stopping off at Todd's General Store at Georgetown Center, and commiserating with the small crowd that was always there swapping stories. Father, being from New York City, was considered an "outsider" even after ten years on the job until that morning. The morning stories were running well when they were rudely interrupted by loud barking, and the barking kept getting even louder. Everyone turned to look out the window only to see young Warren Todd making his way across the adjacent bridge on all fours and barking. Now everyone knew that Warren had a drinking problem, not the only one in town to be so afflicted but his parents were ardent temperance folks and, of course, managed the General Store. "What's he doing?" someone wondered aloud. Father established his "resident" credentials on the spot by responding slowly, "Why, trying to be inconspicuous." Cheerily, Charley Noble |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Jeri Date: 31 Oct 03 - 08:57 AM "...porch business doesn't effect the contents of Linns christmas box - a tape of a drunk singing bawdy songs?" What a tragedy THAT would be. She has SO many of those tapes already! Oh well, consider it the beginning of a collection. Different drunks/different songs, so they say! I'm glad folks who misunderstood finally READ the name of the person who started this! Oh sorry, they didn't. If it WERE Linn and she had a drunk under her porch, it would mean 1) she had a party I wasn't invited to, and 2) the drunk had a death wish. Other choices for personal party settings likely included busy intersections and the roofs of tall buildings. (Scratching head, astounded that anyone could miss the absurdity of this...drunk crawling UNDER the porch of someone's house, somewhere that may not be a city...doesn't come out for a couple of days...singing...oh yeah, it could happen.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Rapparee Date: 31 Oct 03 - 08:46 AM NOW, dammit, I object! Calling in the local temperance group, that, that borders on cruelty of the most egregious sort! I've seen them work. They come with their little band of bagpipe, accordion, dobro, ukelele, and banjo, all tuned to different keys and even then each a half-step off in different directions, and they proceed to play a nice, bouncy, hymn in funereal beat. After this is over, a tambourine is produced and passed and the poor, defenseless, drunkard is bombarded, barraged! with a sermon telling him or her of the wickedness of drink! And as the poor person is already suffering from a hangover of more-than-monumental proportions, wondering why he or she had thought the muck lovely, knowing what awaits from his or her SO -- this is cruelty of unprecedented scope and viciousness! And to preceed this with E-Z listening music is, I believe, a violation of human rights not to the borne! Oh, cruelty! Oh, the shame of it! Oh, the lack of humanity! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: HuwG Date: 31 Oct 03 - 04:41 AM All together now ... What shall we do with the drunk under my porch What shall we do with the drunk under my porch What shall we do with the drunk under my porch Ear-lie in the morning Hooray up he rises Hooray up he rises Hooray up he rises Ear-lie in the morning Bait a trap with a bottle of Mad Dog ... Shoot him, drag him out and bury him ... Leave a trail of Mooseheads to the boozer ... Throw a tear gas grenade in ... Throw a skunk with attitude in ... This could run and run. Pity that the tune is trad ... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: GUEST,Bat Goddess SS Date: 31 Oct 03 - 04:05 AM He's still here and still drunk and still singing. I don't know if I can stand another chorus of Eskimo Nell. He's demanding marmite sandwiches and macaroni cheese(but not made with velveeta)Apparantly he feels safe under the porch as it's his earliest memory. So I've called the local temprance league, there going to come and bore him out. By the way, I'm not Bat Goddess, but her secret santa, I just hope all this porch business doesn't effect the contents of Linns christmas box - a tape of a drunk singing bawdy songs? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: GUEST Date: 31 Oct 03 - 01:22 AM See my answer here. Just substitute drunk for skunk... blicky |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: JennyO Date: 31 Oct 03 - 01:11 AM Yes Robin, and it's kinda hard to waltz under a porch, unless it's a very tall one, so he'd have to come out to do it. And there - you have him. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: LadyJean Date: 31 Oct 03 - 12:55 AM I reccomended easy listening music. But that's music in name only. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 31 Oct 03 - 12:47 AM JennyO Maybe the drunk then would be "Waltzing with Bears" - now it's a music thread! Robin |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Bill D Date: 31 Oct 03 - 12:34 AM the easy answer just hit me...let him sleep, in the morning he'll be a 'sober', and sobers are MUCH easier to get out from under porches. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: LadyJean Date: 31 Oct 03 - 12:01 AM I find the abuse of the homeless seriously unfunny, but the Bat Goddess has not said that this drunk is homeless. He may have a very nice home. To send him back there, I would suggest playing easy listenning music on your porch. You may need earplugs, but it should work. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: JennyO Date: 30 Oct 03 - 11:43 PM "...a case of bears"!! I must tell Sandra! On the other hand, she might not have enough room for them all in her little flat... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: InOBU Date: 30 Oct 03 - 09:37 PM I should also say, that one of the crowd who stood up for my wife, was a fellow from Asia named Patrick. Pat was a gentle soul who was set on fire one weekend evening by Yuppie drunks having a little sport. He was killed and as was suggested earlier in this joke, no one cared. No one was arrested, no investigation, Patrick died in agony on my doorstep, and then was just not there anymore. Cheers Larry |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: GUEST,.gargoyle Date: 30 Oct 03 - 09:36 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: InOBU Date: 30 Oct 03 - 09:34 PM I did read that one. I guess when you see real humans kicked by yuppies and beat on by cops, well ya get a tad touchy. Have fun guys, sorry for the wet towel. Cheers Larry |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: mack/misophist Date: 30 Oct 03 - 09:26 PM For Gareth and Amos: You can normally remove tear gas residue with water. It soaked into the floorboards and they couldn't be washed from below by some one in a 12 inch crawl space. If the windows weren't left open, your eyes would water and burn. Eventually he moved. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Little Hawk Date: 30 Oct 03 - 09:06 PM Larry, you simply have to read the entire "Getting a skunk out from under the porch" thread first....then consider this thread in the light of that. It's merely a spinoff joke thread, not a comment about drinkers. - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: GUEST,Professor Beardy Gub Date: 30 Oct 03 - 08:34 PM Ahh! well yes, now...ahem well yes, you see ahh this is a common problem. One in which we scientists have struggled for years. How did the drunk come to be under the porch. Why do drunks gravitate to porches, that sort of thing. I have a theory and it is this, that your average wee man out for a night in the local, enjoying his embibement and the local flotsam and jetsom while consuming ales and stout will all of a sudden find himself confronted by the hour of nine o clock. The hour in which many of these establishments bare their very bosum to the under belly of which we professionals call society in the modern age. Now we place ourselves in the person of our friend backed as we say into the corner of effrontery, being loudly berated by all and sundry, what do we do?... what three pound for a pint... ahh excuse me, anyway our man finds himself on the street armed with the ubiquitous carry out and nowhere to go but home. So off he goes cursing under his breath with thoughts of the wee low ceiling pub of his youth most prevalent on his brain which is decidedly moving in the direction of addled. But low and behold a light in the distance beckons. He has lost a shoe at this stage and is vacillating between going home and entering the low ceiling establishment that now beckons. Before you can say feck me where's me other shoe our friend is now in the pub with the low roof. "A hah", I hear you say..."now you have her sir", I hear you cry. Yes I believe we now understand the motive. The solution to your problem is this. Simply place a plate of salad sandwiches and a pot of tea at the edge of your porch and our friend will extricate himself and generally engage you in coversation. This is the crucial moment. To avoid a relapse in our man's behaviour you must direct him to the nearest low ceiling establishment for the cure and in so doing there lies the answer to your predicament. This tactic is proven to have worked on a percentage of test subjects. Some of whom never returned to the porch in question. Thank you for your time, and one last thing...permathread status for the Drumcree Threads!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Charley Noble Date: 30 Oct 03 - 08:00 PM Linn- What we always do is tie some clothsline to a bottle of Echo Springs(or Ripple if you can't afford the hard stuff), toss it under the porch and wait for a nibble, then drag it out slowly, singing "Martin Said to His Man." Cheerily, Charley Noble |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: InOBU Date: 30 Oct 03 - 07:11 PM Maybe it is because in New York, there a lots of abandoned humans on my doorstep, but, I still don't find this funny. Larry |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Little Hawk Date: 30 Oct 03 - 07:00 PM Send him to Clinton Hammond's place. There's a vacancy there now that Sammy got done in. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Gareth Date: 30 Oct 03 - 06:59 PM Now that's an interesting thought ! A lachrymos familly mixing it in the same yard as a P****d off colony of pit vipers ! Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Liz the Squeak Date: 30 Oct 03 - 06:26 PM The moose heads are a good idea - you might even win the Turner prize - it has to be better than an unmade bed! LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Amos Date: 30 Oct 03 - 06:12 PM I expect because the tear gas roiled up through the floorboards and into the house, Gareth, thus forcing those within to abandon their domicile for a bit.. A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Bill D Date: 30 Oct 03 - 04:54 PM Bat Goddess...it is getting colder where you are, it soon won't be a problem....soon he'll be knocking on your back door, wanting in. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Midchuck Date: 30 Oct 03 - 04:51 PM Reminds me of a redneck expression to indicate that a person looks like he'd had a rough night: "You kinda look like the dawgs had ya under the porch" P. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Gareth Date: 30 Oct 03 - 04:41 PM Err ! Mack / Misanthrope - like why was it not a good idea ??? Apart from annoying the rattlers ! Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 30 Oct 03 - 03:56 PM This is a porch? Damn, I thought the ceiling was low. I'll be out when the beer runs out. I don't snore too loud (the farts are another question). RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Clinton Hammond Date: 30 Oct 03 - 03:14 PM What makes you think I don't already have a drunk under my porch? Maybe that's the reason I had the skunk killed? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: mack/misophist Date: 30 Oct 03 - 02:42 PM I once knew an active duty Army sargeant who had a problem with rattlesnakes living under his house. He solved it by tossing in a tear gas grenade. It wasn't a good idea. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Getting a drunk out from under the porch From: Gareth Date: 30 Oct 03 - 02:29 PM Hmmm ! If Bat Goddes and Clinton Hammond (Click 'Ere) were to exchange thier respective problems ! Second thoughts, throw the drunk under Clinton's porch !! Gareth -***BG*** |
