BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?

Subject: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 11:15 AM

If anyone does, let me know. I need a good recipe for when I dispose of Howard the Fecking Turtle. That bloody sod 'as moufed off to me one time too many, and now 'e is going to get 'is! 'E's going to meet 'is maker 'e is and there ain't no two ways about it. I 'ave to 'ave the recipe so's I can cook 'im up right and finish the job. Ta in advance.

- Olive Whatnoll

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: MMario
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 11:35 AM

The first thing to do is clean the turtle.

Cut off the head. If it is retracted, use a pair og grips to grab the beak and extend the neck out of the shell.

Then flip it over, wipe/wash off any surface dirt - don't forget the toenails!

cut the feet off at the first joint above the toes. Skin the legs, as much of the tail as you can, and cut the skin loose of the shell and breastplate, removing as much of it as possible.

Remove the breast plate by first cutting through the connection on either side where it attaches to the shell; (wire cutters or metal shears work well for this) - Then lift up on the breastplate, cutting the meat loose from the plate as you lift until the entire breastplate is loose and can be lifted off. YOu may have to alternate working on either end.

Remove the meat of the turle by lifting a leg and cutting the meat away from the shell until you get near the spine. twist the leg in one direction and the shell in the other to break the connecting joint and then cut the meat free. Once the four legs are removed you should also be able to cut loose two tenderloins, one from either side of the spine. Also the neck and the tail. discard the internal organs,(and the "privates" from the base of the tail!!!)

Cut the meat off the bone and cut into small cubes.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 11:47 AM

Cook the meat with tomatoes (tinned is fine), whole kernel corn (maize), onions, and other stuff like that. Season it up with salt, pepper, cayenne pepper, and garlic.

Serve it with a good bread and good butter.

Turtle meat is supposed to taste like beef, veal, pork, chicken or fish, depending upon what part of the turtle the meat came from. Be sure that the turtle is large enough to be worth butchering -- those little ones from the store you shouldn't bother with.

My brother Ted once caught a big ol' snapping turtle. Took it home and kept it in clean water and fed it corn meal for a week. Next weekend brother Tony came over and they decided to kill the turtle for soup. They tried decapitating it and every time they'd swing the ol' axe the turtle'd pull in its head. Finally they got a .22 rifle and were going to shoot it the next time it pushed its head out. So there they are, standing in the backyard over a turtle, aining a rifle at it, when the neighbor, a cop and a parole office, pulled into his driveway. My brothers had some explaining to do. Beer may also have been involved. The turtle was finally released into the Mississippi River, uninjured but well fed.

Drunk walked into a pub, picked up the darts, and threw three perfect bull's eyes. Bartender told him he'd won a prize and gave him a little turtle. Two weeks later the same thing happened, and bartender told the drunk he could have his pick of prizes. Drunk said, "I won something the las' time, can I have it agin?" Bartender asked what it was, and the drunk replied, "I dunno, but I think it was a sandwich on a really hard roll."

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 12:00 PM

Oh, I like the sound of this bet'er and bet'er the more I 'ear it. I'm sharpenin' up me knives and gettin' Eddie to sharpen the ax as well. Howard the Turtle is as good as in the pot now.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: autolycus
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 06:18 PM

Matbe MMario and Rapaire forgot to end their "mouth-watering" (?) recipes with "Enjoy". Or "Enjoy?". Not sure which.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Sorcha
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 06:31 PM

Julia Ward Lowe says...
Get up early and catch turtle...

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: frogprince
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 06:40 PM

Never had turtle soup. Had turtle steak once long ago in the Bahamas; not bad at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Sorcha
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 06:46 PM

Ihave...it was nasty. Fishy tasting.....ick.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 06:48 PM

That's why you have to "clean 'em out" by keeping them in clean water and feeding them corn meal for a week.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: GUEST,Howard the Turtle
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 06:53 PM

Not only can you not talk normal but you spit when you talk. You talk like you eat nothin but banana and peanut butter sandwiches. All mashed up in your crinkly old mouth. You won't get me in the pot, cause you won't be able to find me you old bag. Watch you don't cut your boney old hand off when you are sharpening the axe. HaHa, you would look just like Captain Hook's girlfriend.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: frogprince
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 07:05 PM

Wull I'll be danged; food with an ugly attitude!

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: frogprince
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 07:17 PM

Or, in a nutshell, FOOD with a 'TUDE !

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 07:28 PM

Ahhh! There's the bastard now. I knew you was lurkin' about somewheres, you filthy brute! People 'ave probably been tellin' you for years, "Come out of your shell, Howard. 'Ere, Howard. Pretty, pretty, Howard. Come out of your shell and see wot the gamekeeper's got for you, you little rascal..."

You know why they was sayin' that? Becoz they wanted to kill you, you slimy beast!

It's you or me, Howard. It's personal this time.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 09:22 PM

Ah, Mrs. Whatnoll, be careful. Some turtles carry salmonella, some carry cryptosporosis, and some carry a knife or gun. Best to try to sneak up behind the beastie if you can.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: GUEST,Howard the Turtle
Date: 28 Apr 06 - 11:36 PM

I'm not coming out of my shell, no way you old bag. I'll just stay here until I hear the sleepy time time snore snorts coming out of your hairy old crooked nose.

And no, I don't carry any salmons or cyrptosaurises. Us turles don't give anyone a free ride. As to guns or knifes, how much room do you think we carry in our shells. We may appear to be slow, but ya all heard the story of the Turtle and the Hare didn't ya. Yup, little Howie here is one slick racing machine. I'll be gone before the light of day. But I'll be back Mrs. Whatnoll.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: GUEST,Cluin
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 03:00 AM

1. Boil water.

2. Add one turtle.

3. And salt, if you like.



Lemme know how it works out for ya.

Subject: RE: BS: Recipe for turtle PUDDING
From: frogprince
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 04:52 PM

3 gallons milk
                48 pk Jello instant vanilla pudding
                1 medium turtle

        Blend ingredients on high until lumps are gone. Preheat oven
         (or exhaust manifold) to 451 F. Pour pudding into little
         bread-tin type things. Cook until mix doesn't stick to a
         toothpick.

          (This originated as a recipe for Yorkshire pudding,
            using a yorkshire terrier, but it should adapt ok)

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Sorcha
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 04:55 PM

LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: GUEST,Howard the Turtle
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 04:59 PM

That's not funny guys. My mother and my brothers and my sisters where caught by Indonesian fishermen and made into soup. Canned soup too.
sniff, sniff. You guys are so mean.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 05:30 PM

Howie, I grew up on the Upper River -- the Mississippi above St. Louis. I knew all sorts of turtles, but 99% of them were nasty ol' snapping turtles, and some of them could break a 1.5 inch oak branch with their jaws. One of 'em caught my friend Sam Wise when Sam was in swimming and pulled him under and the turtle and his mates fed on Sam until Sam drowned. Poor ol' Sam was all over turtle bites when we found him, and I vowed then and there to convert any turtle larger than 3 inches across the plastrum into turtle soup.

Be afraid, Howie. Be very afraid.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: frogprince
Date: 29 Apr 06 - 05:42 PM

Never go skinny-dipping in waters known for snapping turtles!
Fortunately, I don't think it was very big, as I suffered only a bruise that looked kinda like I had been pinched with a needle nose pliers. I've been a little traumatized ever since though, hoping against hope that that was a FEMALE turtle...

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 03:03 AM

You know that leadbelly song Poor Howard, I always thought it was about Michael Howard. Obviously it might have been about Leslie Howard, Frankie Howerd (interesting variant).

Anyway leave the turtle alone. Its plight has touched my heart.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Flash Company
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 09:39 AM

The turtle lives twixt plated decks,
That practically conceal it's sex,
I think it clever of the turtle,
In such a fix to be so furtle!

Ogden Nash

FC

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 03:09 PM

Could it have been about "Mister Howard"?

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: GUEST,Art Thieme
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 03:24 PM

I was just wondering...

At what point in the process of skinning and removing the shell and getting the meat separated do most turtles actually die??

Art

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: GUEST,Howard the Turtle
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 05:01 PM

You guys are so mean. These are personal attacks against us turtles, and us turtles have feelings. This thread should be closed Joe. All I did was ask the old bag, er I mean Mrs. Whatnoll if she knew Popeye cause she talked like him.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: GUEST,Howard the Turtle
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 05:20 PM

And you think that post was really funny don't you Art Time, and you don't know anything about folk musicat all.

Ripepear, don't you know you should have stayed out out of that swimming hole, it was the turtle's swimming hole, it was their territory, that's why he was eaten.

Frogprinze you are not even a frog.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 05:35 PM

What the bloody 'ell 'ave we come to when we all 'ave to get down on our knees and apologize to a feckin' turt'le?!? Cor! E's a reptile, for God's sake! I 'ate reptiles on principle. They don't belong on a discussion forum and they should be banned. They're slimy, they drink swamp water, and they formicate in public view! Shocking! Why don't you just lumber off, Howard?

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 05:50 PM

Dang, Olive, me an' my friends drank that Swamp Water all the times. Ol' Sam, God rest 'im, would being a couple quarts (his grandpa made it out back of their barn) when we'd go fishin' or huntin'. In fact, Swamp Water was probably the reason Sam didn't feel nothin' when the turtles ate him and/or he drownded.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 05:52 PM

It's a good anaesthetic, is it?

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 10:27 PM

It was good for lots of things, yeah. Took rust right off iron and steel, opened drains, removed paint, all sorts of things. Sort of stuff you can't get any more. Sam's granddaddy was caught by some federal cops, and we couldn't getit anymore. Not that he quit makin' it, but the feds were buying it all up and using it to fuel up Saturn V's and things like that. Sam was always right proud of the part his family played in the Apollo 11 space flight.

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: wysiwyg
Date: 30 Apr 06 - 10:32 PM

Turn the turtle into a rock star. When it drinks itself to death, apply Mmario's recipe, and you'll have auto-pickled turtle spoup-- sort of an Asian fusion delicacy. Garnish with pickled salamander roe.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Got a recipe for turtle soup?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 May 06 - 09:13 AM

Once while swimming cross turtle creek
Man them snappers right at my feet
Sure was hard swimming cross that thing
with both hands holding my dingaling

My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling won't you play with My Ding-A-Ling
My Ding-A-Ling My Ding-A-Ling won't you play with My Ding-A-Ling

Now this here song it ain't so bad
Prettiest little song that you ever had
And those of you who will not sing
must be playing with your on Ding-a-ling