First joke thread for 2007

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Feb 07 - 04:18 AM

A fire fighter was working on an engine outside the station when he noticed the little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," said the little girl.

The fire fighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren....

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 10 Feb 07 - 06:34 AM

Q. What's the difference between a thrill and a surprise?



















    A.   Nine months








      Ivor

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Naemanson
Date: 11 Feb 07 - 01:31 AM

I stole these of another site.

Jack and Jill's marriage hadn't been going' well for sometime so they both decided to visit a marriage counselor together. The counselor asked what was their problems at which Jill started firing off complaint after complaint about Jack not doing' this and not doing' that. There was no intimacy or loving'. The counselor cut Jill short and asked her to stand up, which she did. The counselor went 'round and grabbed Jill and gave her the biggest most passionate kiss she'd had in years, with the counselor saying to Jack 'Now that's what your wife needs 3 or 4 times a week' Jack relied 'Well okay, but I can only bring her round here from Monday to Thursday 'cause I'm either fishing' or golfing' on the other three.
***********************************************************************************
These are from someone who was issuing "Idiot" signs.

Number One Idiot of 2005

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2005

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2005

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote 'this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2005

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his 40.

Smartass... but you still get a sign

Number Five Idiot of 2005

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Six of 2005

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign Idiot Number Seven of 2005

Arkansas; Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote.)

***********************************************************************************
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, 'I have some really great news!' I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more.'

I asked, 'What do you mean 'more'?'

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!'
***********************************************************************************
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when an intruder startled her. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, 'Stop! Acts 2;38! (Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.)'

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Axe and Two 38's.'
***********************************************************************************
An old Louisiana farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said; 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
***********************************************************************************
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying,

'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Rich. May I please speak with Robin Carter? '

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.* I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an ...hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '...hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,* 'You're an ...hole!'* It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '...hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said;

'Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an ...hole!'

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.* A couple of days later, right after calling the first ...hole, (I had his number on speed dial) , I thought I had better call the BMW ...hole, too.* I said

'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

'Yes, it is.'

'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

'Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'

'What's your name?' I asked.

'My name is Don Burgemeyer,' he said.

'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

'I'm home every evening after five.'

'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

'Yes?'

'Don, you're an ...hole.'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ...holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called ...hole #1.

'Hello.'

'You're an ...hole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

'Are you still there?' he asked.

'Yeah,' I said.

'Stop calling me,' he screamed.

'Make me,' I yelled.

'Who are you?' he asked.

'My name is Don Burgemeyer.'

'Yeah? Where do you live?'

'...hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ...hole.'

Then I called ...hole #2.

'Hello?' he said.

'Hello, ...hole,' I said.

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are!'

'You'll what?' I said.

'I'll kick your ...,' he exclaimed.

I answered, 'Well, ...hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two ...holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!!!!!
***********************************************************************************
Four married guys go on a fishing trip. After an hour they start talking about how they got permission from their wives to go.

First guy; 'You have idea what I have to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint all the rooms in the house next weekend'.

Second guy; 'That is nothing; I had to promise my wife that I would a new deck around the pool'.

Third guy; 'Man you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her'. They continue fishing when they realized the forth guy has not said a word. You haven't said a what you had to do to come fishing this weekend.

Fourth guy; 'I just set the alarm for 5:30 am. When it goes off, I give the wife a nudge and say, 'Fishing or sex' and she says 'Wear a sweater'.
***********************************************************************************
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.'

'How can you say such a thing!?' asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, 'Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.'

'My God!' screamed the lawyer. 'Where's my Rolex?'

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Peace
Date: 11 Feb 07 - 01:40 AM

"What happened to the rest of the joke threads? These should be made available. I've tried searching for "joke" and other related wording and they wont come up. Also, when you click on this thread, there are no related threads at the top as there are on most topics."

No offense, Jim, but I really don't get it.

Subject: Yeah, went over my hRE: First joke thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Feb 07 - 02:52 AM

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Feb 07 - 02:54 AM

Yeah, Peace,

went over my head too...

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Feb 07 - 08:44 AM

"How Contracts Get Signed"

Three contractors were touring the White House on
the same day. One was from New York, another from
Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the
tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they each replied that they were contractors the
guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences
redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida
contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil,
did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job
will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my
crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his
tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and
said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for
materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how
much. Without so much as moving the contractor
says, $2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You
didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you
come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for
me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: heric
Date: 12 Feb 07 - 07:30 PM

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry, Mr. Wilkes, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkes shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkes said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkes. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkes demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow "

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 13 Feb 07 - 05:52 PM

Big Jim just left out the punchline.

    "O.K. I give in. I WILL show you how to use the loom."






    Here's one with an needed(?) explanation after.


    Becks is giving an after-dinner speech.

    "Well,they're chewy,they're minty,they make your breath smell great for ages after,and Posh says they have only one calorie."

    At which point the bloke next to Becks tugs at his jacket,

   "No,David. You're supposed to be talking about tac-tics."









Don't know if they've gone global but Becks was talking about a sweet called Tic-Tacs.




The Emo Phillips Hasty Pudding recipe was just the funniest. Thanks,Foulstroupe.






       Ivor

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Feb 07 - 06:08 PM

The year 2002, The Beckhams living on a Ranch in USA and have spent most of their money but have a small herd of cows left. They decide the best thing they can do is buy a bull to service the cows and increase their living. David sends Victoria by train to an auction 80 miles away with $12000 to buy the bull. She bids for and buys a bull for $11900 and has $100 left which is not enough to send a telegram to David to tell him to come get her and the bull but the telegrapher tells her she can send one word of up to twelve letters for $100.
After some thought she says send the word 'comfortable' which the telegrapher duly did. He asked her how David would know what she wanted....so she enlightened him by telling him that David is not a great reader and would read the word syllable by syllable so he would understand the message.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Bainbo at work
Date: 14 Feb 07 - 08:29 AM

These jokes about David and Victoria are really unfair, and I certainly hope they don't follow them across the Atlantic when they travel there.

I wouldn't want there to be any repeat of jokes like the one about David and Victoria going to a restaurant, when the young waitress asks what they'd like. David gives her a wink and says: "I wouldn't mind a quickie."

Not surprisingly, the waitress slaps his face and, rather primly, asks him again what he'd like. Rubbing his sore cheek, David replies. "That hurt. But I'd still like a quickie."

The upset waitress is about to slap him again when Victoria leans across and whispers: "David - it's pronounced quiche."

No more of those, I hope.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 20 Feb 07 - 11:30 AM

For those who really care: Here is the Second Joke Thread for 2006

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 21 Feb 07 - 07:33 AM

The Preacher & The Cowboy

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: heric
Date: 21 Feb 07 - 09:07 PM

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie you're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "That's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 06:09 AM

Maybe an oldie, but "She" just received in the mail:

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!).

Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
Remove your laptop.
Start up
Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
Then hit this link

[not really recommended that you try this.]

John

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Den
Date: 22 Feb 07 - 07:01 AM

LOL John.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Feb 07 - 07:41 AM

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 27 Feb 07 - 02:14 AM

When his knights fell in in rank and file before King Arthur he noticed a knight with an exceedingly big nose protuding visibly from the unit.
So King Arthur asked: "Ma nishtana?"

That's a Hebrew from the Passah celebration, meaning: "What makes a difference [between this night and all other nights?"]

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 27 Feb 07 - 07:35 AM

Rev. ed.:

When his knights fell in in rank and file before King Arthur he noticed a knight with an exceedingly big nose protruding visibly from the unit.
So King Arthur asked: "Ma nishtana?"

That's a Hebrew question from the Passah celebration, meaning: "What makes a difference [between this night and all other nights?"]

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Pseudolus
Date: 27 Feb 07 - 03:10 PM

A man was very excited after taking his classes in skydiving. He was about to take his first jump and the instructor reminded him, "OK, you jump out, wait ten seconds and pull this cord. If in the unlikely event nothing happens, you pull this second cord, it's your emergency parashute. when you land a truck will come by to pick you up." He's all ready and when told to, he jumps out of the plane, waits ten seconds and pulls the first cord.....nothing. He doesn't panic, he just pulls the second cord....nothing. Now the ground is coming at him like a runaway train and he thinks to himself, "Damn, I'll bet that truck won't be there to pick me up either!"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 01:58 AM

The old lord is taking a bath, assisted by his old valet (his former batman).
V.: "may I draw your lordship's attention to the fact that his lordship has a hard one?"
L., looking down: "Indeed, John, you're right! What a pleasant surprise!"
V.: "Does your lordship want me to inform her ladyship?"
L: "Oh no, John, not at all; we'll try to smuggle him into town."

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Bainbo at work
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 07:40 AM

... and the next time the old lord wanted a bath, he called on his butler, Waddle. "Run me bath, Waddle."
Waddle did so, and the old boy instructed him: "Undress me, Waddle."
   He climbs into the bath, makes himself comfortable and orders the butler: "Wash me, Waddle."
As the servant is sponging away, the lord lets forth an almighty fart, which comes bubbling up between his legs. The butler rushes out and comes back with a hot water bottle.
"Good heavens," says the master. "What on earth is that for?"
"Well," explains the butler. "I distinctly heard you say 'What about a water bottle, Waddle?' "

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 01 Mar 07 - 03:59 PM

Doctor,I have a strawberry right up my nose.

   That's all right,I've got some cream for it.






       Ivor

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 11:02 AM

My Private Part Died Today!


An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"












            (You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)








"Well", he replied, "Today's the viewing!"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 12:45 PM

This is from the wonderful Wizard if Id.


   The peasants rush into the hall where the King is.

   Peasants. We thought you had a war on poverty.

   king.    I did.

   Peasants. Well,we're still poor.

   king.    You lost!






       Ivor

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:16 PM

"The oscilloscope is missing."
"Call the police. They might have a few leads."
"Oh, I wouldn't do that. It might trigger a sweep of the neighborhood."

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Peace
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:29 PM

Name this
person.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Peace
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:33 PM

Forget it. Didn't work.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:35 PM

Knute Rockne (did I spell that right?)

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Peace
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:46 PM

Bingo in one.

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Mar 07 - 09:50 PM

A couple wanted to join the church.

The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.

When the pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

"You're back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... however; we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

"One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Mar 07 - 11:25 AM

DUI - UPPER MICHIGAN STYLE

Only a person in Upper Michigan could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Escanaba, Michigan. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Yooper. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Mar 07 - 08:56 AM

"Final Gift"

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died,
a son who lived far away called his brother and
told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send
me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.

The next month, he got another bill for $200.00,
which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental
expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and
finally the man called his brother again to find
out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do
something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 03:52 PM

"Retired...random thoughts"

...They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

...Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when
he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

...Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is
gone.

...One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.

...My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

...I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

...The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

...How can there be self-help "groups"?

...If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain
whales?

...Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll
show you a man who can't get his pants off.

...Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 06:55 PM

My wife is wide, I cannot get o'er
Neither have I wings to fly
But first it bent and then it broke
So did my love prove false to me

I reached my finger into some soft bush
Thinking the fairest flower to find
But not so deep as the love I'm in
I know not if I sink or swim

I pricked my finger to the bone
And left the fairest flower behind
But love grows old and waxes cold
And fades away like the morning dew

or something like that...

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Mar 07 - 07:24 PM

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off! Or I'll kick the [tar] out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" he said.

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Mar 07 - 08:03 AM

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market, they're asking £950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand, After all it really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too!"

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Mar 07 - 07:01 AM

Mudcat Lead Balloon Joke Category Entrants

1
2

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 11 Mar 07 - 12:21 PM

Husband arrives home late. He sees from the light on in the bedroom that the wife is still awake.

      He goes up via the kitchen and bathroom,and goes into the bedroom with a glass of water and an aspirin.

      Wife:"What's that?"

      Husband:"An aspirin."

      Wife:"What's that for? I haven't got a headache."

      The husband puts the stuff down,claps his hands gleefully and says, "Great !!"






       Ivor

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 16 Mar 07 - 09:18 AM

Subject: SATAN'S TEMPTATONS


> In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
> spinach,with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
> woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful
> gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You
> want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll
> have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.
>
>
> And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that
> Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and
> sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size
> 14.
>
> So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese
> dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened
> their belts following the repast.
>
>
> God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which
> to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns,
> butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its
> own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
>
>
> Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
> potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and
> sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats
> adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
>
>
> God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those
> extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so
> Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman
> laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch
> jogging suits.
>
>
> Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
> satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double
> cheeseburger. Then Satan said "you want fries with that?" and Man replied
> "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and
> Woman went into cardiac arrest.
>
>
> God sighed. And created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled
> and created the National Health Service.
>
>
> And.....THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
>
>
> After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here 's the final
> word on nutrition and health.:
>
>
> 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
> 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
>
>
> 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> us.
>
>
> 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
> attacks than us.
>
>
> 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
> heart attacks than us.
>
>
> CONCLUSION:
> Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
> you.


RtS

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 21 Mar 07 - 11:15 AM

A hearty laugh, Roger. How right you are!

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Mar 07 - 12:35 PM

An elderly couple went to their local surgery for a routine yearly check up on their health. The old guy was first in, examined and the Doc said, "You are fine Mr Smith, I can find nothing wrong with you" The old guy said "There is only one thing I can complain about Doc and that's when I make love to my wife....the first time I get so hot and sweaty it feels a little uncomfortable and the second time I get so very cold and clammy that it's hard to keep going"
The doctor was a little impressed that the old guy could actually do it twice and again echoed that he could find nothing wrong with him but to carry on as he was.
The guys wife came in to the Doc and was examined and the doc told her she was also very healthy but also said he wasa impressed at the virility of her husband but could not understand why he felt hot the first time they made love and cold and clammy the second. She said "The stupid old sod, what does he expect? The first time is in July and the second in December""

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Folkiedave
Date: 21 Mar 07 - 05:45 PM

Tells better than it writes:

Man goes into a library and (almost shouting) says "Can I have some fish and chips please?"

Librarian: "Sshhhh this is a library......"

Man (whispering this time): Can I have some fish and chips please?

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Mar 07 - 07:30 PM

A guy took his blond girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it" she replied,"especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over the 25 cents."

Dumfounded, her date asked "what do you mean?"

"Well they flipped a coin and one team got it and for the rest of the game all they were screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!

"After all it's only 25 cents!!!"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Mar 07 - 09:17 PM

"Creation of Life"

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How
about only ten years and I'll give you back the other
ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and
said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them
laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I
give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want
me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll
give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this,
I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly
give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the
ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave
back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep,
play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we
slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten
years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 22 Mar 07 - 10:19 AM

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend ... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever...so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

RtS

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Wesley S
Date: 22 Mar 07 - 05:30 PM

Has this one been posted here before?

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Mar 07 - 08:52 AM

A man goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell.
The doctor checks him over and eventually finds
a couple of bags of money up his bum.

He pulls them out and can't resist totaling up the
value of the coins.

Well", says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up
your butt."

"Hmmm", replies the patient, "That would explain
why I've not been feeling too grand..."

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 24 Mar 07 - 04:53 PM

A young man from a good family had returned to the small town of Slobodka after studying for several years in Western Europe. He marries his childhood sweetheart, and being an experienced lover, he goes thru a complex series of lovemaking motions, both manual and oral. His last and most exciting maneuver has him stand on the footboard of the bed and make a perfect swan-dive into vaginal coitus with his blushing bride.

She complains to her parents and describes each and every maneuver. Her father takes the them to the local Rabbi, whose shocked reaction causes him to floor the groom with a folio volume of the Talmud & declares the wedding annulled.

The young man appeals the verdict to the Head Rabbi at Lemberg. The father of the bride appears & describes everything that went on in the marriage bed. The head Rabbi strokes his beard as he listens and finally gives his decision that the young man is within his rights & the marriage is valid.

"But our Rabbi said ..." the father begins & the Head Rabbi says,
interrupting him,

"My Dear Man, what would a little Rabbi in Slobodka know about fancy fucking?"

Subject: RE: First joke thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 24 Mar 07 - 05:49 PM

AH SWEET REVENGE!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.   They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.   Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.   Air fresheners were hung everywhere. 

Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.   The maid quit.   Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.  

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.   Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return    their calls.  
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.   He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.   Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.   She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.  

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!