BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:08 PM

Michael stands in the shower admiring the steamy reflection of his well defined painter's muscles, soaping then sensually rinsing. Soaping then sensually rinsing, balls, dick, ass crack, everything.

               MICHAEL (V.O.)
    Good luck getting this crappy film on Disney now. You will be    lucky to get and "R." Nope this is NC-17 all the way. And what about that little Lolita? Just think about it 35 years ago I was scared and stupid enough to run out of my own house when the cops were coming, leaving all the evidence there and risking a fire with two hundred different kinds of candles. Not to mention that I was anal enough and gay enough to have 200 different kinds of candles. Just imagine, it collecting candles for years. Votive candles, birthday candles, tapered candles, roman candles, scented candles 200 different kinds. It boggles the mind. And now, her I am 35 years later, I gotta be at least 45, I had my own house then after all. Nearly 50, being hit on by a 16 year old at that age after having turned down a lucrative career as a cosmic dispenser of justice, who do I think I am Kevin Spacey? I gotta tell ya. I hope not. I hope I am not telling this whole story from a pool of blood having been shot by the jealous gay father of my dope dealer. There is no way that story should have won one best Screenplay Oscar, let alone do it again for this one. But the only way this gets on TV is on HBO. I wonder can we get some mobsters or vampires in this story. That's what they are buying at HBO. We could call it Forgetabloodit. Now were talking! That's a story.

Michael continyes to admire the steamy reflection of his well defined painter's muscles, soaping then sensually rinsing. Soaping then sensually rinsing, balls, dick, ass crack, everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:15 PM

Jack, you're really putting me off my food with all this tawdry and salacious sexually laden crap you insist on burdening this poor thread with. I want you to stop doing it, but I suspect you don't care. You probably enjoy annoying me in that fashion. Therefore I have a question for you.

Do you like sex and travel? ;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:22 PM

Hey I was just following Amos' lead. Also I wanted to make the NC 17 joke and I thought it would be more tasteful to portray a man in the shower than to have a 45-60 year old man having sex with a 16 year old.

But don't blame me or Amos. Blame Gfie, s/he started it with the flirting.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:23 PM

Yeah, yeah.... ;-D

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:24 PM

Hey??? What is sexual about a man taking a shower in the privacy of his own movie script?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:40 PM

That's a subjective question, Jack. Anyone's answer to it would be right from their point of view.

What I want to know is, are you still spray painting "cock and balls" and "ass and crack" on the sides of downtown buildings in the middle of the night? If so, aren't you afraid you'll get caugjt eventually?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 04:58 PM

A real man can look at a man in a shower and not get queasy.

A real man defends 16 year old girls (even made up ones) from 60 year old house painting letches (even made up ones) by taking the story in an unexpected direction.

A real man knows the difference between >>"cock and balls" and "ass and crack"<< and "balls, dick, ass crack, everything."

A real man knows how to cut and paste when quoting!!!! Wink!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 05:55 PM

Well, jack, you steered the story to fit your own fantasy....interesting!

if you read accurately, the character 'Michael' was not interested in either one of them....but after all...it's your imagination, that's taken over you....interesting!

Gfs

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:05 PM

"A real man" is whatever people think a real man is. They make all this stuff up as they go along. If enough of them can agree on something they've made up...like money, for instance...then it becomes effectively "real" within their experience, whether it was real or not at the start.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:13 PM

"if you read accurately, the character 'Michael' was not interested in either one of them"

If you read correctly you would see that it was Amos who put the thought in the character "MICHAEL's" mind.


But yes, my "fantasy" is to get my bits clean when I shower. It is a "fantasy" that always comes true.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:15 PM

A real man cleans his dick, balls, ass crack, thoroughly

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:16 PM

How do you know this? ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:20 PM

A real woman wants her man to have clean bits.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:37 PM

Generally speaking, that is so, Jack. There are some very rare exceptions to the rule of women who wnat their men to have clean bits, but I stay clear of them sorta dames! ;-) Yew kin maybe find 'em in "Deliverance" country.

There's a gal here in town, a songwriter, a fine musician, and she wrote this one creepy song entitled "I Don't Like My Men Too Clean". It horrifies me. I get queasy and want to leave the room when she sings it.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:43 PM

Hmmmmm a pattern perhaps?

"I get queasy and want to leave the room when she sings it. "

Do you think that she does it just to annoy you.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:46 PM

To the contrary. ;-) She's a very nice person, a fine musician, and I've never given her even a hint that I don't like that song, because I wouldn't wish to hurt her feelings. My only fear is that she may end up reading this post. If so...well...our friendship will probably survive it! ;-)

I mean, hell, she might not like one or two of my songs either. If so, she hasn't said anything about it. Nobody's perfect.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 06:50 PM

So she does a song that annoys you because it has, in her view, some artistic merit. But when I write something that annoys you it is because I want to annoy you?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 04 Aug 11 - 10:26 PM

JtS: "If you read correctly you would see that it was Amos who put the thought in the character "MICHAEL's" mind."

I stand corrected..you are correct.....
I apologize for the boo-boo!

....but 'Heather' sure is cute!!!...(wink!)

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 01:36 AM

Her song annoys me because I find the idea of being attracted to a man because he's not "too clean" downright creepy! She obviously had something in mind that makes sense to her, though, and I think I even know what it is, but she didn't express it in a way that I find appealing. I think what she really means is that she is attracted to men who are sort of rugged and straightforwardly masculine...like a firefighter, for example...or a cowboy...but not a slick type of sophisticated guy with sort of an Ivy League Errol Flynn type manner...or an artsy type of guy who chats about artsy things...you know? That's probably what she meant.

I'm not sure if you want to annoy me or not, Jack. Sometimes I think you do, because you can get rather combative or catty at times over this or that. But it seems that you think I'm the one who's getting combative or catty? Well, maybe we both thought the other guu did it first, and we both just imagine we're defending ourselves against a prior attack by the other guy. I think that's the crux of it right there. I get the impression often that you're taking a little shot at me, so I usually take a little shot back, but I try to do it with a smile on my face. Hence the old ;-) symbol.

You remember when the cowboy would say to the other cowboy: "Smile when you say that." ? If the other guy smiled, then it wasn't a fighting issue, it was a bit of joking around.

That's what I'm doing. I'm smiling to let you know that although it's a shot, it does not mean that I hate you. It's just a bit of joking around, that's all.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Amos
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 03:49 PM

This is NOT bad fiction. It is pathetically bad NON-fiction!

Jake pulled the thick Norwegian wool sweater over his muscular chest and giggled when it tickled his six-pack. He pulled on the springy bright blue leotard pants and slipped his feet into an over-sized pair of Ugg boots. "Ugg!" he murmured with disgust. "I guess its showtime!".

Checking the address of the ritzy but decadent "Horseshow Fork" LGBT bar on his laptop, he slipped out the door, locking it behind him, checked his pocket for the new packae of condoms, and headed out for a night on the queasy part of town.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 03:56 PM

Here is a tip concerning your view of things here.

"There is something seriously wrong with you. You're deranged."

You say that to someone in the real word, you are probably going to lose some teeth. Say it with a smile and you are a lot more likely to lose teeth.

It was a personal attack and I let you do it four times before I responded.

Little Hawk I don't think you are joking. More is the pity if you don't know it.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 03:58 PM

"Ah, Fuck the condoms!" Thought Jake. "This dialog will kill me long before aids does!"

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:18 PM

(shrug) I think you're being very thin-skinned about it, Jack. I don't see why we can't have some banter back and forth without taking it as personally as you seem to be taking it. I have banter like that with Amos and Rapparee all the time, and they don't get furious about it...nor do I get furious when they do it to me. In fact, they take it as a joke. And so do I. But if it really troubles you that much that I said those things, even with a smily face behind them, then I'll take it all back. Okay? I do NOT actually think you are deranged. Hardly! I think you are a smart, capable, perfectly normal human being who defends his opinions vigorously, specially when challenged. I don't think there's anything wrong with you either. Okay? Look, if I tell someone on this forum that they are deranged, I've got to be joking, for heaven's sake!

If I really thought someone here was literally deranged and had "something wrong with them", I wouldn't say a word to them about it. I would remain silent and avoid tangling with them. Deranged people are quite possibly dangerous, and it's best not to bother them, in my opinion.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:23 PM

TRULY BAD FICTION, Part Deux.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:34 PM

One of Jake's fondest memories was the time he attended the Compleat Festival of Woody Allen films at the Paradise Theatre in Manhattan....an entire month of nothing BUT Woody Allen films, in chronogical order, from the very first to the very last, from the Alpha to the Omega...capped by a personal appearance by Woody Allen on the final night, at which the Master had played the clarinet and talked for over 3 hours about sex, New York, existential despair, psychoanalysis, angst, women, God, atheism, death, and jazz.

It had been a Kafka-esque experience. His significant other, Angela, had unaccountably bailed out on their relationship halfway through that marathon, citing "unusual cruelty" as her reason for leaving him. That had puzzled Jake tremendously, but it had only slightly dimmed his excitment each night as the lights dimmed and the Master appeared once again on the silver screen, lifting Jake's mind into unrivalled realms of thespian grandeur.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:39 PM

Banter back and forth?

You called me insane 3 times. Insulted my writing 3 times. then called me a shit, and tried to kick me out of the thread before I reacted in kind.

Banter?

Its all there in the thread, except for you, I don't see anyone in their right mind calling that banter.

Somewhere you decided it was more fun to badger me then to write your own "bad fiction." That is what you have been doing. I have been trying to write "bad fiction."

And no I don't think you think I am deranged. I don't even think that you believe that I am a bad writer. I think you said those things to punish me and to make me go away. I didn't think that the first time. I thought you were simply "bantering." But when you persisted, the second time, the third time and then creating the character of "Jack the Shit" and bullying that character like you were the biggest 4 year old in the feces covered litter box, I became convinced that it was not banter. What I wonder is why didn't you just ask? politely? Preferably in a PM. But you never once asked me to stop even on this thread. Even as you called me deranged. Even as you tried to bully me.

I am not talking all of this all that seriously. You are poking me. I am poking you back. There may have been a question in the past. But there certainly is no doubt on this thread. On this thread, you certainly struck first. Apparently because you think that I would rather annoy you rather than write things that I enjoy.

This thread has taught me that when you use the winky face. It is just to get an insult by the moderators. In further interactions with me, it might save confusion if you keep that in mind.

Now why don't you quit talking about me and go back to your story?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:50 PM

So...are you telling me that you're angry at me, and you'd rather stay angry than let just go of your anger? I'm not angry at you.

I have extended an olive branch to you and taken back what I said. What else would I have to do?

And you're also then telling me that you're "not talking all of this all that seriously" after all that? That's a little hard to sort out...it doesn't seem to match the tone of the first half of your post.

Well, anyway, I don't have a magic solution...so I shall take your advice and simply contribute to this story henceforth, and trouble you no further. My promise. It's all Jake Tillington from here on in. My contributions will probably be occasional, as I'm a bit busy here, but I'll be sure they are about Jake, not Jack.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:53 PM

Jake, being a responsible writer even of his own internal monologues looked up the Alpha to the Omega of Woody Allen on IMDB the alpha being easy enough, almost certainly "What's new Pussy Cat." The Omega, being "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" because it has the funniest title among his recent films.

Jake had a feeling of unease. He wanted to do something: solve a crime, kiss a gal, cure a disease, even get a disease, even talk about getting a disease. He feared this would never happen. He despaired. But Jake was optimistic. He'd learned a lot in the past few days. For Jake, there was always hope for a new adventure.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 04:57 PM

So...are you telling me that you're angry at me, and you'd rather stay angry than let just go of your anger? I'm not angry at you.

No... I am telling you that there is strong evidence that you were angry and that what you are saying now is fluff. I am telling you that what I do from now on will depend on what you do.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 05:00 PM

Despair and optimism circled the punch bowl of Jake's fevered mind like two Tiger Sharks closing in remorsely on a bikini-clad starlet with a 42-inch bust and an I.Q. to match it....any minute the shit would hit the fan...and Jake would have another truly inCREDible idea! And after that? Hard to say...

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 05:13 PM

As the shades of night fell the Brothers Alpha and Omega continued their struggle to write bad fiction . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 05:19 PM

It's no struggle at all. You just hit the keys and blather on. Anyone can do it.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 05:37 PM

Jake had quite an imagination, for circling the bowl as he looked were not tiger sharks but the remains of two tacos and an egg salad sandwich from the day before.

His phone rang.

"Yeah."
"Oh Hi Larry. Thanks for calling me back." Larry the Law Dawg had been on retainer for Jake's family for years.
"Yeah, I'm fine. But I'm strapped for cash. Gotta pay off the flood damage to my penthouse and my sister took my last 5 grand out of the bank and gave it to some chimp."
"You say legally I can't touch him? Why not?"
"No. he doesn't have an owner."
"So he is not subject to the laws of the state of Illinois."
"Look I know this restaurant. They sell the meat of endangered animals for big bucks."
"Yeah, that's the one. Panda Expressly."
"I'll bet they would give me a fortune for some talking chimp meat."
"Would it be illegal to hunt him."
"Only in his natural range eh?"
"So under the el train would be fine?"
"As long as someone doesn't own him. OK, I'll check on that."
"Thanks Larry! Give my love to the family."
"I will, good luck and God Bless you to."

He knew it wasn't foolproof. But Jake had the stirrings of a plan.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Amos
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 07:04 PM

HE put his cellphone back under the elastic strap of his leotard, hoping it would vibrate at the right moment rather than play the Star Wars theme it seemed to choose randomly when it needed attention. It made a nice bulge, with his big ski sweater pulled down to disguise the squarish shape. Next yearm he promised himself, he would get an i-Phuqye. MEanwhile, his eyes lit up as he made his way out of the restroom and intot he smokey corners at the back of the Horseshoe Fork Bar. The place was crawling with night life, some of it literally in the last stages of inebriation. There were gay men, bored lesbians, self-pitying transvestites, and a couple of transgenders who were arguing about when who had the right to do what and with which and to whom on a first date. He straightened up and flexed his leotard. Jake was on the prowl.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,livelylass
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 07:18 PM

An aged midget entered the room, he was walking and talking backwards.. (this was because one of the viewers thought it must be time that a midget entered the room).

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 07:26 PM

"Anyone for transgender dwarf tossing?" The Midget would have said had he/she been talking forwardly.

"Day every get don't you offer an that's" Said Jake.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 07:33 PM

And just as WC Fields began to write the screenplay . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 07:34 PM

WC: Go away kid... Yuh bother me...

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 09:08 PM

Jake's face went blank. His body relaxed. His eyes rolled up into his head.

He was receiving a call. It was Chongo.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Amos
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 09:45 PM

He could never say whether the calls from Apelandia were imaginary or actual trans-species telepathy but the image in his mind of the leering, flea-bitten degenerate ape would not go away until he mentally answered it. He put his Tropical COckteaser--a specialty of the house--down on the bar (despite her whines of protest) and went back to the men's room, locking himself in a booth where he could concentrate on his ugly telepathic link or neurotic obsession, whichever it was. Just as he sat down the cell phone in his crotch went off like a hussy's two-dollar dildo and he doubled over in shock and pain.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: GUEST,999
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 09:48 PM

. . . and Lord Greystoke spun throw upping fast in his grave.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 09:58 PM

Chongo was sitting at his desk talking into his antique rotary dial candlestick phone. He thought of a distant time in far away California. He thought of two hundred different kind of candles threatening a new vacant abode. Then he was connected to the party to whom he was speaking.
"Jake?" "Is that you?"
"I can't hear you very well over that pulsing throbbing music."
"You want to meet?"
"At the Horse Fuck?"
"I told you I couldn't hear."
"How about under the el instead?"
"OK then, Fishies Chip Stand on the Loop. At midnight."

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 10:01 PM

Chongo remembered Graystoke, or Graystroke as he liked to call himself when he was alone with a young chimp. Stroke me he would say! Stroke me here, and here, Stroke harder! Stroke!! Stroke!!! Stroke!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 10:14 PM

Which more than once left him miles from where he'd started, the chimp using the oars like a galley slave.

In the meantime, the man in the fedora turned to his client. She was a chimp, and a good-looking one. She sat with her hair-covered legs crossed, her ruby-lipsticked mouth promising delights no human could offer -- and her very expressive canines told the onlooker not to even think about it.

He said, "He's goin' to da Loop. Ya want we should make the snatch there?"

"Please," she smiled unpleasantly. "That...brother of mine is gonna pay for what he did to our mother and me. I assume the ten grand is sufficient downpayment?"

"Okay, honey," he said, "You got it."

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 10:14 PM

Jake wondered if it would void the warranty of his cell phone if he glued a dildo to it. Then he entrenched himself in his trench coat. It was a beauty that he had bought from Victor Victoria's secret, with the quick snap buttons which he could open and close in a "flash." He checked the Baretta in his pocket. He was happy to see it. Then he checked his weapon, a Glock 9 millimeter. She said it was too small but he always thought that the motion of the ocean was what counted.

Jake showed his ticked to the conductor as he boarded the train. The conductor poked Jake with hi wand and said, "You don't need a ticket to ride this train big boy."
Before long Jake had come......to his stop. He disembarked and went to down the stairs to hunt bush meat at Fishies Chip Stand, on the Loop, under the el.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 10:25 PM

"Graystoke, Gaystroke, ya only gotta change the location of ome measly letter and its funnier that way." Chongo muttered to himself. Why does that idiot Jake want to meet me at Fishies Chip Stand of all places? At midnight no less? At least its across the the street from that endangered animal restaurant I like so much. I can get me some Siberian frozen Mammoth jerky to chew on on the way home. I hope Jake gives me the 25 large that he owes me, I could use it to pay off my sister.

Sometimes I feel guilty about what I did to her and Ma but I am a chimp. I got not taboos on my loins. It's a good thing that human laws don't apply to me though.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 10:49 PM

One happy bowling ball

Dwarf tossing and Joan Jet.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Little Hawk
Date: 06 Aug 11 - 08:22 AM

AT last! A sport that Shane and Don McBride could excel at...Dwarf tossing! I bet it would go over big in Blind River.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 06 Aug 11 - 08:38 AM

Shane and Don McBride sauntered in to the Horseshoe Fork Bar, they wore red "roots" track suits with maple leaves on them. Shane calls to the Bartender. "A beer for me and my friend here." A large woman with a face like a dream and body like a line backer sauntered up to them, invading their customary Canadian 1.5 meters of person space by about 1.49 meters.

"What brings you lumberjocks to a gay bar in Chicago?" (s)he asked.
"We want to try something morally taboo back home."
"But can't gays get married in Canada." (s)he asked.
"No.. No.. not that!!! Dwarf tossing!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Let's write a truly bad piece of fiction
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 06 Aug 11 - 08:47 AM

200th post recap.

The flood of chapter 1 has receded but Jake's recovery has not begun. Chongo, who may or may not turn out to be the villain of the piece has has an appointment with Jake under the el train tracks.

Somehow word has got out and various and sundry nefarious entities are racing to the appointed place, including a thug in a fedora, to literally and figuratively get a piece of Chongo.

One of them is a famous TV chef who says "Bam!!" to much who wants to make his most elusive creation, pan seared, blackened monkey fingers on the hit food channel/Comedy Central co-production, Iron(ic) Chef.