Third Joke Thread for 2007

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 27 Jul 07 - 04:01 AM

I think this insults just about everyone!

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bl**dy Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bl**dy Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Swiss, as always, have taken the phone off the hook.


RtS

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 26 Jul 07 - 12:56 PM

Mrzzy: in response to earlier request.

Two souls were ascending to heaven, when they passed two eagles.
"Ah, eagles" said the souls.
The eagles were too polite to reply!


How do you know when you've passed an elephant?
You can't get the toilet seat down!


What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of a Mini?
Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of a Mini!

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 26 Jul 07 - 11:43 AM

Continued with Fourth Joke Thread for 2007

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Jul 07 - 10:22 AM

100 - Bingo!

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Pilgrim
Date: 26 Jul 07 - 09:31 AM

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING
QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing
constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men
seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man,
with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked,
"Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams.
I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't
run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Michael
Date: 26 Jul 07 - 09:27 AM

From a friend's grand daughter:

Grandma I know a joke but it's rude:-

Boy to teacher: Miss, Miss, Jenny's wet herself.

Teacher: Jenny why didn't you put your hand up?

Jenny: I did Miss but it leaked passed my fingers.

Mike

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 01:29 PM

This is (allegedly) a true incident that happened in New York.   
An Italian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.
The Italian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow '$5,000'


The Italian replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 01:07 PM

A police officer comes home early and finds his wife in bed with his best friend. He draws and shoots his best friend without uttering a word.
Says his wife: If you continue so, you soon won't have any good friends at all.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wesley S
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 12:47 PM

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client who was   due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he
was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, "What time of night to be   getting home is this? Where have you been?" Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of
her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and   feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he   whirled around and screamed,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER   STOP?!"

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,IBO
Date: 25 Jul 07 - 10:57 AM

I THOUGHT A HUNGARIAN WAS A WELL ENDOWED GORILLA

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Jul 07 - 11:09 PM

PRISON VERSUS BEING A HOUSEWIFE

* In prison you get three square meals a day.
* At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids
to eat it.

* In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
* At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids
can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it
again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest Lego creation.

* In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
* At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote
control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons
thanks to cable.

* In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
* At home you get to read weekly readers staring Dick, Jane and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

* In prison all your medical care is free.
* At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions
of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you
die.

* In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
* At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up
after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

* In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang
out in your own space all day.
* At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space too and what the hell is free time again?

* In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.
* At home.... stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: wlisk
Date: 23 Jul 07 - 12:15 PM

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 22 Jul 07 - 08:48 AM

Ernest - think that's a second example of a joke with two successive puchlines. I like it either way.

With yours, we laugh fully at Charlie.

Without, the spear is aimed at everyone who hasn't got the hang of the book thing. IMO.



Peace's reminds me of a cartoon.

Boss to employee,

"Jones, you've been with us 20 years. You've never been late, always done your work, only spoken nicely to everyone, never rushed away early.


" Jones -   what's your angle?"






       Ivor

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Ernest
Date: 22 Jul 07 - 06:04 AM

Ivor, you forgot the last line:

"and even that is not fully coloured yet....!

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Peace
Date: 21 Jul 07 - 07:01 PM

"To Whom It May Concern:
"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible."

Delivered a short time later:

"That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every other line."

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 21 Jul 07 - 06:16 PM

"What shall we get Charlie for his birthday?"

"How about a book?"

"Oh, no, he's got one of them."






       Ivor

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 21 Jul 07 - 05:10 AM

A man was in a long line at his local store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.
He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'


A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did she reached over thecounter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said . . . .

      


    'Mop and bucket, Till 5'



RtS

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 06:42 AM

Some of these may be new!

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How it is one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbeque?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes outta its a**e."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


RtS

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Jul 07 - 04:44 AM

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chilli," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Cluin
Date: 18 Jul 07 - 10:46 PM

Q: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

A: He was looking for Pooh.

(tell it to a 5 year old; they'll love it)


Here's another one my 4 year old neice tells

Q: How do you catch a bear?

A: First, you dig a deep hole and fill the bottom with with ashes. Then you place peas on the ground close to the edge.
When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Peace
Date: 18 Jul 07 - 01:43 AM

Best piece of humour (greatest punchline) I have ever encountered on the Mudcat.

1) Subject: RE: BS: Things Learned at Mudcat
From: Charley Noble - PM
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 08:28 PM

I've looked at threads from both sides now,
Some are gross and but still somehow
It's thread's illusions that I recall;
I really don't know much at all!

Charley Noble




2) Subject: RE: BS: Things Learned at Mudcat
From: Peace - PM
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 10:25 PM

Ya got the makings of a song there, Charley. Have you considered a title for it yet?




3) Subject: RE: BS: Things Learned at Mudcat
From: Foolestroupe - PM
Date: 17 Jul 07 - 11:32 PM

Little Boxes?

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Jul 07 - 01:39 AM

A man married for 25 years took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a l0 inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blond."

"Now, we have a nice house,a nice car, a big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your end of things."

The wife was a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a cheap sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: HuwG
Date: 14 Jul 07 - 05:46 AM

Perhaps not a true joke, but inspired by the "Barnsley accent" ones, I will relate a story told by my mother, who once worked as a Clerical Officer at York District Hospital.

A man in overalls once walked into Casualty Reception, and announced "Ah've got t'Gravel". The nurse on reception asked where it hurt, and he replied, "Nay, it doesn't hurt lass. Ah've told you, Ah've just got t'gravel."

The Houseman was summoned, followed by the Registrar, and the Senior Registrar. They did no better, and as each more senior doctor was summoned, they could be seen frantically leafing through pathology manuals, trying without success to find the definition of "Gravel".

Eventually, the Consultant was fetched. "Now then my good man, what are the symptoms, exactly ?" he said.

The man replied, "Symptoms ? What do you mean, symptoms ? Ah've bin trying to tell t'lass, and t'other folk, and now Ah'm telling you, Ah've got this lorry load of gravel outside. Where do you want it putten' ?"

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 10:59 PM

We must forge ahead.

A minister, on his wedding night, comes back to the bedroom after brushing his teeth. He finds his bride lying naked on the bed, he is shocked. He says, "I expected to find you on your knees," he says reproachfully. "Well alright, but it always gives me the hiccups."

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: breezy
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 05:04 PM

Ah Grimsby , thats where I get off.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,ib0
Date: 13 Jul 07 - 10:29 AM

My wife has a small tattoo on the inside of her left thigh,If you put your ear to it you can smell the sea.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Mickey191-Guest
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 06:39 PM

The previous "Sven" joke is mine. Lost my cookie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her bedside table.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 06:28 PM

I LOVE this joke--Cluin posted a different version above.

Sven got a new cow & when he inspected her, he pulled on each teat. As he did this the cow farted with each pull.

He wanted show his friend, Ollie the new cow. He told Ollie to pull on the teats & see what happens. The cow farted with every pull. Ollie says: "You got this cow in Minnesota!" Sven was surprised and asked "How did you know?" "My wife is from Minnesota" replied Ollie.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Jul 07 - 02:22 PM

Hey diddle diddle
the cat down a piddle
over the bathroom mat
the little dog laughed
to see such a fun
so he piddled all over cat.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 03 Jul 07 - 12:23 PM

What time is it in BArnsley when there's a sandwich on the clock!

Summat te ate

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Folkiedave
Date: 02 Jul 07 - 03:20 PM

This may take some working out for those not familiar with the Barnsley accent.

A man from Barnsley wins the lottery and goes into a jewellers.

"I'd like a gold statue of mi dog ".

"18 carat?"

"Nar, aytin a bone".

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jul 07 - 10:18 AM

"Tavern vs Church"

The story is told of a man who got a permit to open
the first tavern in a small town. The members of a
local church were strongly opposed to the bar, so
they began to pray that God would intervene.

A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open,
lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground.
The people of the church were surprised but pleased
- until they received notice that the would-be tavern
owner was suing them.

He contended that their prayers were responsible
for the burning of the building. They denied the
charge.

At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge
wryly remarked, "At this point I don't know what my
decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner
believes in the power of prayer and these church
people don't."

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Jun 07 - 09:43 AM

"Information?"
(read it aloud)

"Information? I need the number of Caseway
Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye.
S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are.
Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with
my supervisor."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jun 07 - 06:27 PM

Why did the tomato turn red?














It saw the salad dressing!

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: RangerSteve
Date: 28 Jun 07 - 11:14 PM

The one about Blair may be out of date in the UK, but change Tony and the Mrs. to Bush and Cheney, and it's good for a little while longer.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Fogie
Date: 28 Jun 07 - 06:30 AM

This one is from Bev Peg who sings skiffle and tells stories.

He had a friend called Kevin, who was into tattoos, and had a map of England on his chest. Bev says he wasn't the brightest bulb in the socket, but at least you knew where you were with him!

He went to a pet shop, having decided to buy a goldfish. The owner told him to take his pick, and asked if he wanted an aquarium. Kevin said he didn't care what star sign it was!

They met on the street and Bev asked where he was going to. Kevin was off to the hardware store to buy a file. His goldfish had developed a lump on its head. You can't do that, says Bev; it'll kill the fish. Kevin said he wouldn't buy too raspy a file and he was sure it would be OK. A week later they met up again. How's the fish? asked Bev. It died! I told you that would happen. Kev didn't think it was the file, and thought maybe he'd used a bit too much pressure in the vise!

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Cluin
Date: 28 Jun 07 - 02:06 AM

The only cow in a remote little Highland village stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow down in Perthshire for 100 pounds. They bought the cow and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time and the people of the little Highland village were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about their milk supply.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his task. The people of the little remote Highland village were very upset and decided to ask Piper MacKay (who did a little veterinary work on the side and who was visiting his cousins in the village) what to do.

They told Piper MacKay what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away," the village leader said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

Piper MacKay thought about this for a minute and then asked, "Did you by chance acquire this cow from Perthshire?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Perthshire?"

Piper MacKay shrugged, "My wife is from Perthshire."

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jun 07 - 11:16 PM

Anybody remember the one about the eagle and the soul?

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Pilgrim
Date: 27 Jun 07 - 02:52 AM

I'll post this one because it officially becomes out of date today...

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, That would be a 'tragedy'.

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f'ing accident either."

Pilgrim

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jun 07 - 09:22 AM

Is Windows a virus?


No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see #2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

So... It must be a bug.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jun 07 - 09:18 AM

Two men are having a pint in the local bar, one says to the other;

"I'm getting thoroughly sick and tired of our dog."

"Why?" says the other, "I thought he was a well behaved, intelligent dog?"

"Normally he is" admits the first man, "but of late, he's taken to chasing anyone on a bicycle."

"Oh no, are you going to put him down? Give him away or what?"

"Nothing that drastic." says the first man, "I'll just take his bike away from him."

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 17 Jun 07 - 06:41 AM

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in



P...

E...

N...
I...
S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED..... NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Bill D
Date: 16 Jun 07 - 12:28 PM

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 16 Jun 07 - 11:56 AM

What's the difference between a Rumanian and a Bulgarian?

They will both sell you their grandmother,but the Bulgarian will deliver.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Jun 07 - 11:41 PM

COWBOY BOOTS

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Snowbirds" in Arizona. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale at Wal-Mart, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.

He saunters into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything Different about me?"

Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room, completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat." ***

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Becca72
Date: 14 Jun 07 - 12:28 PM

It's Halloween and all the little boys and girls go to school in their costumes. Little Johnny is dressed up like a pirate. His teacher says "Oh, look. Little Johnny is the pirate king! Where are your buccaneers?" Johnny says, "under my buckin' hat".

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 Jun 07 - 05:47 PM

LOL...glad you folks enjoyed those! I don't have any more of those kind, but like a bad penny that keeps turning up like the fresh dirt on Dracula's grave, but only when the sun goes down like baaaaad Penny in the red light district, I do have another funny (apologies if it's a duplicate):

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooo? (I told him) It's been a year."

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 13 Jun 07 - 05:28 PM

If Isla St Clair married Barry White

Divorced him and married Brian Ferry

She'd be......... Isla White-Ferry

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Geordie-Peorgie (Sans Cookie)
Date: 13 Jun 07 - 01:18 PM

Hello, is this the RCMP?" [RCMP = Royal Canadian Mounted Police]

"Yes. How may I help you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He's hiding drugs inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the RCMP SWAT team officers descended on Mike's house.

They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no drugs.

They swore at Mike, he swore at them, and then they left.

The next day, the phone rang at Mike's house...

"Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy."

Subject: RE: Third Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Jun 07 - 07:26 AM

It's the spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.

His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"

He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"