Favorite Limerick [2]

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: radriano
Date: 01 Dec 11 - 03:08 PM

A brilliant surgeon named Taylor
Grafted tits on the back of a sailor
If his ass had held out there is not a doubt
That the cash would have filled up a whaler

---

This thread has been hit a lot by spammers so is TEMPORARILY closed. If you wish to post to it, ask Joe or a moderator to reopen it.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Nov 11 - 05:37 PM

There once was a man from Kankanee
who found it uncannily canny
that a canner can can what a canner can can,
but a canner can't can a can can he?

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Aug 11 - 03:24 AM

There once was a maid from Geneva
Who got a giraffe to relieve her
The result of the fuck
Was a bald headed duck
Two snakes and a spotted retriever

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 09:03 PM

The babe, with a cry brief and dismal
Fell into the waters baptismal.
Ere they'd gathered its plight
It had sunk out of sight
For the depth of the font was abysmal.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST,Ken Brock
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 08:53 PM

One that I wrote many years ago:

There once was an uncultured Haitian
Quite lacking in his education.
The class that he sat in
Turned out to be Latin,
And declined his first conjugation.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 06:18 PM

There was also a man from Nantucket
Who went down to hell in a bucket.
    When asked to come out,
    He'd just sit there and shout,
"Up your ********, you ******* -- and **** it!"

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: Micca
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 05:29 PM

Speaking of Nantucket, I have always had a soft spot for the pair of Clean Limericks about it
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket;
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan,
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 12 Aug 11 - 04:59 PM

A jaunty young lady named Alice
Once pissed in an Anglican chalice.
She said "I do this
From desire to piss
And not from sectarian malice"

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 11 Aug 11 - 06:26 PM

There once was a maid named Bathsheba
Who made love to a German amoeba
Who would writhe on her belly
In a petulant jelly
And soulfully murmur "ich liebe"

There once was a harlot named Rhoda
Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda
And festooned the walls
Of the halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools that bestrode 'er

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: pavane
Date: 11 Aug 11 - 06:06 PM

A great many of the above were published in the Pan book of Limericks, around 1970 - yes I know there are other sources, but that book seems particularly well plundered.

One more from that source, I think

Young girls who frequent picture palaces
Set no store by psychoanalysis
Though the late Mr Freud
Got rather annoyed
They just cling to their old-fashioned fallacies

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 11 Aug 11 - 11:57 AM

This occurred to me, in light of the wee disturbances in Tottenham.

There was a young lady from Tottenham
Who'd no manners, or else she'd forgotten 'em
While at tea at the vicar's
She took of her knickers
Because she explained, she felt 'ot in 'em.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 11 Aug 11 - 11:28 AM

Apollo to Mission Control
We are almost in reach of our goal.
But this reading of G
Seems excessive to me
And I think we are near a black

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST,Here are two of my favourties
Date: 11 Aug 11 - 11:17 AM

There was an old bishop from Bavery
Addicted to deeds obscene and unsavory
Amidst rumbles and howls
He deflowered young owls
In the depths of his underground aviary

A young man from Ulysses,
had balls of different sizes.
One was small,
almost no ball at all.
The other was HUGE and won prizes.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick [2]
From: GUEST,billyo666
Date: 06 May 11 - 04:22 PM

There once was a man from Nantucket Who carried his balls in a bucket.and he said to his hon while fondling one if this were an oyster i'd shuck it

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,Kurticus Maximus
Date: 16 Feb 11 - 12:09 AM

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who's cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Gurney
Date: 05 Jan 06 - 02:41 AM

There was a young man from Coomb Martin,
who had an immaculate partin'.
He said that the knack, was to stand back-to-back
with an elephant, just when it's       not too far away.

I think that one came from The Pigsty Hill Light Orchestra.

There was a young fiddler in Rio,
was courting a maiden named Cleo.
As she took off her panties, she said, "no Andante's.
I want this Allegro, con Brio!"

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 04 Jan 06 - 10:19 PM

In the chorus mentioned several times above, "In China they do it for chili" might be followed up, next time, with "In Chile they do it with turkeys", and then "In Turkey they do it with grease", and then "In Greece they do it for china", and then on.

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: The people who do the work have to be paid, and the people who let them do it have to be paid off. :||

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,patrick
Date: 04 Jan 06 - 12:52 AM

A fisherman from fair San Diego
For years cast his line in the bay tho,
As time carried on
All the fishies were gone
So he jumped in and went
To where they go


pat

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Snuffy
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 11:49 AM

The one I know about the Bishop of Birmingham has him as the perpetrator:

The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham
Once rogered two maids while confirming 'em
As they knelt seeking God,
He excited his rod
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: voyager
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 10:24 AM

For my teenage son (who hates math tests) ...

There was a young fellow from Trinity
Who found the cube root of infinity.
But it gave him such fidgits
To add up the digits,
He chucked math
And took up divinity

voyager

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Schantieman
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 07:51 AM

Teresa - the one about the pelican is by Edward Lear. Or possibly Hilaire Belloc.   Between them they wrote 250% of all clean limericks.

Two from my childhood:

There was an old lady from Harrow
Who went round the world ina barrow
In crossing Ben Nevis
She fell down a crevice
For the path was exceedingly narrow

A lady who lived on the Humber
Had a wond'rous collection of lumber
Old boots and tin whistles
A brush without bristles
Three harps and a fossilised plumber

and one from slightly later, related to Nerd's:

There once was a man of Westphalia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia
Tuppence a smell
Was all very well
But threepence a lick was a fahlia.

Steve

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Guy Wolff
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 04:11 PM

I am so happy to find this thread! My faverite one comes from a great mandolin player named Gordon Titcolm . THis one has been with me for years :

                Religius:

There was a preacher of Kings
         Who preached of heavenly things
But his secret desire,
          Was a boy in the chior,
With a bum, like jelly on springs!

                   Literary:

Under the spreading chestnut tree
             The village idiot sat
Amusing himself by abusing himself
               And catching the stuff in his hat

               Cinamatic:
             (from Bridgit Jones ) hearsay told to Hugh Grant   by Colin Firth)
               related to above post .

WARNING ROOD

There was a young woman of Ealing
                Who had a paculiar feeling
she lay on her back and opend her crack
             And pissed all over the ceiling


Sorry about the last one but interesting story connected to it. Who would have thought Collin Firth knew such a limmerick ! MR DARCY !

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: just john
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 04:07 PM

(Most of my faves are from Pynchon's "Rocket Limericks," which I have tapes of myself singing ... They're about Allied troops who encounter a German V2 site and (variously) fall in love, or at least lust.)

There once was a fellow named Ritter
who slept with a guidance transmitter
It shriveled his cock
which fell off in his sock
and made him exceedingly bitter

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Teresa
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 03:49 PM

Oh yep, thanks, bill! Heeheehee!

Teresa

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,Songster Bob
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 03:40 PM

Well, here's one I haven't seen written here yet:

A randy young man, name of Arden,
Got a blow-job in the garden.
When he said, "My dear Flo,
Where does my cum go?"
She answered, [Gulp!] "Beg your pardon?"

And a variation of one already printed:

There were two sisters of Birmingham,
And this is the scandal concerning 'em,
That they lifted the frock, and tickled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.


And verses from "Frigging in the Rigging" goes

The captain of the lugger
Was such a filthy bugger
Declared unfit to shovel shit
From one ship to another.

The captain's lovely daughter
She fell into the water
Delighted squeals revealed that eels
Had found her sexual quarter.

That'll do, I think.


Songbob

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 04:29 PM

oh, YES Teresa....I once quoted that limerick at our Getaway, only to hear a guffaw from behind me as out one blind member was 'amused'.

A clever young hooker named Gail
Was tattooed with her prices for tail.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind.
A duplicate version in braille.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Teresa
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 12:34 AM

LOL Guest!!

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 05 - 12:29 AM

Here's another non-naughty one, and it's even musically connected:

A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot,
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?"

Now here's one of my own: (Only slightly naughty)

There was a young lady from Clare
Who possessed a magnificent pair,
Or so we all thought
Till her left one got caught
On a nail and began losing air.

Now, everybody knows...

...the youmg man who came from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
As he licked his foreskin,
"If my ear was a c-nt, I could f-ck it!"

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Teresa
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 11:57 PM

Sorry, just half-remembered something from my childhood:

A wonderful beak has the pelican.
His beak can hold more than his bellican.
He keeps in his beak
Enough food for a week,
But I doubt if I see how the hellican.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Teresa
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 11:40 PM

Oh, they're so much fun. :) Still have Isaac Asimov's on my reading list. :D

Here's one I er ... found or composed, though I didn't know alan of Australia's at all. (way up top there)

There once was a man of our time
Who tried his best to rhyme.
He thought and he thought,
His brain in a knot,
But all he could do was write non sequiturs.

Does anyone have the one i heard on "Are You Being Served"? (UK comedy program) about the tattoo in Braille? I love that one, but couldn't catch it in time. :)

Teresa

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Susan A-R
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 11:19 PM

In the garden of Eden sat Adam, complacently stroking his madam.Twas a grand situation, in all of creation there were only two balls and he had 'em.

There once was a whore from Peru who stuffed her vagina with glue. Said she with a grin, if they pay to get in, they'll pay to get out of it too.

Oh man! What a thread!

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 02:55 PM

Sorry, folks this one's clean -- my "baby girl" wrote it for her teacher when she was in the 5th grade (11 yrs old; she's now almost 35):
      "A grasshopper hopped on the square;
       He hopped on a girl sitting there.
       He chirped in her ear, which filled her with fear,
       And sent her sky-high in the air."
Tw

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Nerd
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 03:21 AM

There once was a man from Australia

Who Painted his arse like a dahlia

The color was fine

Likewise the design

But the aroma--Ugh! That was a failure

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,Leadfingers
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 01:31 PM

Gods plan made a hopeful beginning
But Man went and spoilt it by sinning
We trust that the story
will end in gods glory
But at present the other sides winning

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,H BOMB THE TERRIBLE
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 07:23 PM

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM CALCUTTA
WHO SPOKE WITH A TERRIBLE STUTTER
TO THE WAITER HE SAID
IL'E HAVE SOME B B B BREAD
AND SOME B B B B B B BUTTER
...............
MAKES ME LAFF EVERY TIME

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 11:39 PM

Rapaire: The story continues:

Now, that bishop was nobody's fool:
He'd been to divinity school.
So he hauled down his breeches
And screwed those two witches
With his holy episcopal tool.

Now, one of those girls was named Sue,
And Sue said, when the bishop was thru,
"The vicar was quicker
And slicker and thicker
And two inches longer than you."

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,Dis Guesting
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 09:22 PM

There was a young lady from Wick
Who said "Mother , What is a prick"
She said "Its a rissole you stuff up your piss'ole
and waggle about till it's sick"

There was a young lady from Ealing
who danced with such exquisite feeling.
that the only clear sound to be heard for miles around
was fly buttons hitting the ceiling.

There was a young chap from Montrose
who wanked underneath the bed clothes
Said his mother with joy "he's a broth of a boy",
"But he's a bugger for blowing his nose

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 09:14 PM

A gay Irish priest in New Delhi
Had the Lord's Prayer tattooed on his belly
By the time that a Brahmin
Got to the "Amen,"
He'd blown both salvation, and Kelly.

P.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 09:10 PM

Wish I remembered the first of two limericks, but this is the second:

The Rector of Dustin St. Just
Consumed with canonical lust,
Raped the Bishop's prize fowls
His precious young owls
And a little green lizard, what bust.

One more:

There were two old maids of Nottingham
And this is the story concerning 'em:
The lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: vectis
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 08:48 PM

I heard that one as
There was a young chap from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
As they lay on the bed
He turned round and said
"Now who does what, with what, and to whom"

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: John Hardly
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 08:43 PM

Rice, Gambetta, Crary and Car-
Lini, Lawrence, Sawtelle, and Starr
White, White, and Watson
Hurst, Blake and Sutton
They sure know their flatpick guitar!

8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

They're masters of the six-stringer
Though few claim the title "singer"
Donohue, Reed, Baughman
Hedges, DeGrassi and Mann
Though none named more aptly than Finger.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Amos
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 08:25 PM

There was a young fairy named Broome
Took a lesbian up to his room!
But they argued all night,
About who had the right
To do what
And with which
And to whom!

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 06:09 PM

There was a young man named Paul
Who went to a fancy dress ball
For the sake of some fun
He dressed up as a bun
But a dog ate him up in the hall.

There was a young man who, gingerly
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
As he ripped off his vest,
He thought 'twould be best
To add incest to insult to injury.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: toadfrog
Date: 15 Mar 03 - 05:56 PM

Said Francesca, "My lack of volition,
Is leading me straight to perdition!
For I haven't the strength
To go to the length
Of making an act of contrition!"

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 06:43 PM

The bishop elect of Hong Kong
Had a dong that was ten inches long.
He thought the spectators
Were admiring his gaiters
When he went to the gents'. He was wrong.

-- W. H. Auden

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,garrick on da isle
Date: 14 Mar 03 - 06:33 PM

mary had a little bike
she road it back to frount
every time the wheels went round the spokes went up er cu*t

there was a young lady named ilean
who wanted to wet wash er sieling
so she layed on er back
and opend er crack
and pi**ed all over the sieling

mary had a little lam
er dad shot it dead
now she takes it into school
between 2 bits of bread

thanck for listeng all

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: GUEST,guest
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 10:30 PM

Viagra, to which I'm addicted
Works better by far than predicted.
It has gone from quite limp,
To as big as a blimp,
Which is more than my previous dick did.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 07:55 PM

To his wife said the sharp-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your west tit the least bit
The best of your east tit,
Or is it a fault of perspective?

You can smoke a symbolic cigar.
You can ride in a long, sexy car.
But a phallic church steeple,
To sensible people,
Is stretching the thing rather far.

Now everyone wants a butch guy.
That's a fact that we cannot deny.
But between butch and bitch
Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between U and I!

There was once an old man of great fame,
Who, when asked how he did with a dame,
Said, "In order to please her,
I reversed Julius Caesar:
I saw, I conquered, I came."

From the crypt of the church at St Giles
There came shrieks that resounded for miles.
Said the priest, "Goodness gracious!
Dear Brother Ignatius
Forgets that the Bishop has piles."

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 03:07 PM

There was a young lady,she was Greek
Who had her monthlies twice a week
Said her young man from Woking, most provoking
No poking, so to speak.

There was a young girl from Pitlochry,
Who was having a screw in a rockery
When she found that he'd come, all over her tum
She said that's not a f**k, it's a mockery

Failte .....Jock

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 14 Dec 01 - 02:47 AM

There was a young lady from Cape Cod Who thought all babies came fromG God But it wasn't the almighty who lifted her nighty It were Roger the lodger the sod

There once were a man who averred that he'd learnt to fly like a bird And from the church steeple in front of some fourty people he leapt This tomb states the date it occurred