Help: Affairs of the heart...

Subject: Affairs of the heart...
From: GUEST,English Jon with no cookie, by the looks of
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 09:38 AM

So, my all time true love who dumped me three years ago keeps ringing me up. Still nuts about her, but she's with someone else. Why doesn't she let go? not that i want her too. what's the deal here? how am i supposed to re-act? it's lovely to hear from her, but it doesn't make it very easy to get on with my life.

any thoughts?

confused ej with knackered computer, hence lower case and little punctuation.

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From:
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 10:53 AM

Tell her flat out that it makes you uncomfortable, and not to call more than say once a year to say hello as long as she is with someone. If she says she is considering leaving him, tell her to first leave him, then wait a while, and only then call you. mg

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: The_one_and_only_Dai
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 10:59 AM

Sounds like she's having some doubts, Jon. Arrange to meet somewhere neutral. Have a beer. Say to her face what you've just written in the email. Then go home and live your life with a weight off your mind.

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: Marymac90
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 11:22 AM

I'm with mgarvey, Jon. Plan out what you want to say, even to the point of writing it down, and put it to her over the phone. Meeting her in person could be risky--she might be trying to have it both ways--to keep her current love in his #1 spot, and to have you on the side as well. Do you remember all those songs that say "If I can't be your lover, I'm not gonna be your fool!" This is the kind of situation they're talking about. If you meet her somewhere for a drink, you might not respond to her with your brain fully clear. I also think you need to reframe your description of her, from your true love to your PAST love--since she's with someone else, she's not being true--to you, anyway.

All the best,

Marymac

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: The_one_and_only_Dai
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 11:56 AM

Sounds like she's having some doubts, Jon. Arrange to meet somewhere neutral. Have a Chinese. Say to her face what you've just written in the email. Then go home and live your life with a weight off your mind.

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 12:22 PM

EJ, I'm on the other end in this situation, and I'm telling you straight that you will have your heart broken all over again. Be strong, and you walk away this time, telling her to get back in touch when she hasn't got so much on, and having stayed that way a good while.

Tough love, but I assure you that is the only possible way that you might possibly salvage her undivided love.

Good luck

Skipjack

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: GUEST,ej senza biscotti
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 12:27 PM

just makes me wonder how her brain works. i'm not uncomfortable with her contacting me, but i think she is under pressure from current bloke not to ring me, which i can understand. but if shes so keen to keep in touch why dump me in the first place? never did get an explanation why she left me, by the way. "you've been perfect" she said. true love is the only description i'm afraid. i don't suppose she feels quite the same as i do, but then she is a couple of years younger than me. i suspect she just wanted to go to university with no ties. anyway, she's rung me at least every couple of months since then. i actually dumped my last girlfriend because she destroyed all the letters that em (object of adoration)sent to me when we were together. nothing could have upset me more, and she knew it. anyway, i'm still pretty hung up about this girl - i just wish i knew what she really wants. sorry to be a bit pathetic. it always kind of throws me when she gets in touch. opens old wounds etc.

ej.

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: Lyrical Lady
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 01:12 PM

ej, I think you need to let go too. Some people 'collect' friends and lovers and use them as some kind of ego boost when things in their own lives are not going so well. That's what your ex is doing. It's got nothing to do with you. Some people are not very mature when it comes to affairs of the heart. You need to 'recolour' this situation .. see it for what it truly is ... and walk away. It's not easy, especially if you still love her. You need to take some responsibility for this ej, .... she can only hurt you if you allow it. Protect your heart ej, ... you may want to share it again some day!

LL

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: GUEST,Moping old drunk git, quite upset.
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 09:41 PM

Half past two in the morning. What am I doing here? can hardly type. Thanks for the advice folks. Still don't know what, if anything I'm going to do about this. Should really get some sleep. Little chance of that happening though. She said she'd call today - she hasn't, and I feel completely screwed up. (don't worry, this isn't serious or life threatening - it always happens: give me a day or two, i'll be fine). God I need a drink.

She doesn't mean to hurt me - she knows how I feel.

somewhat crushed EJ.

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From:
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 10:26 PM

she cares 99% for what she feels, and at most 1% what you and her boyfriend combined feel. She is using you for an insurance policy, either consciously or unconsciously. This is very unhealthy. There's better fish in the sea. Make a policy concerning women (and women do likewise) and then stick with it. mg

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: DougR
Date: 02 Oct 01 - 11:56 PM

Hey Guest, tell her to buy you dinner and you will talk about it. But tell her (if she pays for the dinner) that it's not high school time. She has to make a choice. Tell her you love string music, but that you don't play second fiddle.

DougR

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: Amos
Date: 03 Oct 01 - 12:42 AM

Tell ya what, mate -- if the hang up is hitting that hard it's not going to be a created, ongoing long term relationship. You can't get in the clear to build a genuine article until you're both on the way out of the woods of dramatizing and high game-playing. So, to be more blunt than it is any of my business to be, I would treat it like a lingering addiction to an unhealthy chemical. Cold turkey.

If either of you wants a real long-term relationship, you'll have to come out and say so and build it from scratch.

Meanwhile, suffer your way out of the tanglefoot.

A

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: smallpiper
Date: 03 Oct 01 - 03:25 AM

Cold Turkey is the only way to go. Change your telephone number so she can't call you. Not hearing from her may hurt but it will pass and a damn sight quicker if you don't have contact. Best of Luck John

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: GUEST,Celtic Soul
Date: 03 Oct 01 - 09:46 AM

Well, I guess I am going to be the one to play devils advocate here ;D

I do know people who have managed to remain friends even after a split. Her impetus is not necessarily one of wanting to play both sides. I have both in my past. Those with whom I remain friends, and those with whom I would prefer having no contact. Usually, the person has to have been a complete and utter shit to me for the latter to occur. She *may* merely want to continue the friendship that was at the core of your romantic involvement, and doesn't even realize that it's hard on you.

There is no easy way to tell which it is though. She may not even know herself if she is harboring some lingering desires for you.

The end result is, regardless of her impetus (pure or otherwise), if *you* would rather not remain buddy buddy, she *NEEDS* to honor your feelings and leave you to get on with your life in your own way. If not, do what I did with my last ex who actually had the audacity (after a couple of years of emotional abuse and neglect, and attempts to control *every* blinking aspect of my life) to berate me for not wanting to be pals.

Pull out all the stops and give her your raw emotions. But, only after the diplomacy runs out.

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Oct 01 - 06:36 PM

write a song based on the experience
it sure helps to clarify your own position.
I recently had a call from an ex after 25 years (funeral was the trigger).
She did set-out her stall neatly, cleared the air a bit, but hanging in the ether was the question "hidden agenda?"
I resolved to write to her - which I haven't quite had the time to deliberate on yet. OK call me indecisive if you prefer.
yes I did write songs and poems on my experiences but that was 15 years ago. & yes they did get it clear in my mind - then!

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: Gervase
Date: 04 Oct 01 - 07:02 AM

Sound advice, esp from Mary Garvey and Celtic Soul - clearly it's no good letting things carry on as they are, with her ringing you up from time to time and sending your heart into somersaults.
But it may be that there is still hope for you and her; much depends on what you talk about when she rings.
If, as CS says, she merely regards you as a friend and sounding board, as someone from the past for whom she still has respect and whose views she seeks, then that's fine - but you should both sort out the ground rules first and let her know the effect those calls are having on you.
On the other hand, it could be that her current relationship is one she regrets, and that she still nurtures feelings for you. Again, cards-on-the-table candour is the only thing that will get to the bottom of it.
Whatever happens, good luck EJ - lovesickness is up there with flu and other lurgies as one of the crappiest things around.
If all else fails, at least your cat still likes you!

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: GUEST,Brian
Date: 04 Oct 01 - 08:39 AM

EJ. I'm going to be rather more hard and cynical than most of the replies here. Quite simply because I've been in, and come though this situation.

You said you don't understand what she's doing. I didn't understand it at the time, either. I understand it now. It's called power. She has a hold on you, and knows it. She has a hold on her present unfortunate puppet, and she knows it. She doesn't want you, but doesn't want to let go. If she lets you go, you'll rebuild your life, and find someone better. She'll lose control. So she keeps hold from a distance. You think she doesn't mean to hurt you. That's exactly what she intends. She says she'll ring, you wait, she doesn't phone. More control. The calls to you are a problem to her present boyfriend. Why do you think she tells him that she has phoned you. It keeps doubt in his mind too. It's her hold on him.

What to do about it. Be strong, be ruthless. Don't change your phone number, it shows you're avoiding her. Don't avoid her, but don't encourage her. Get an answerphone, and leave it on even when you're in. Don't answer if it's her. Return her calls - eventually. Be cold and know what you're going to say. Don't give a reason for not returning her calls sooner.

If she goes on about her wonderful life, tell her how happy you are for her. Other than that, show disinterest. Don't get sucked into saying you miss her. Don't get sucked into telling her what you're doing. Just be evasive. Don't arrange to meet her, even at her invitation. She'll build up your hopes, then mess you about. Don't give a reason for not wanting to meet her. If she wants to know why you phoned her back, you are being polite and returning her call. Nothing more. If she's says she'll phone you, switch the answer phone off, and be out. Don't sit waiting for the call.

In short. Take control, and be in control. It matters not if after the call you feel like ****, just don't show it at the time. Once you start to control the situation you'll start to feel better. Don't weaken. Don't imagine there'll ever be a happy re-union, even if she dumps the other fella. There won't, just more of the same. Learn from the experience, go and find somebody else, and if they start to play mind games, get the hell out.

When you find someone who is happy to co-exist with you without control and manipulation, you'll not feel obsessed and miserable, just happy and comfortable in their company. You'll know the difference then.

You may feel this is all out of character for you. It was for me too, but I got my life back. Get yours back.

Good luck,

Brian (celebrating wedding anniversary today - and loving it)

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: Wesley S
Date: 04 Oct 01 - 01:27 PM

EJ - I was wondering - let's say she dumps her current boyfriend and comes back to you. Aren't you always going to wonder when the past is going to repeat itself and you'll be dumped all over again? The best way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior. It's not my life but I'd suggest putting a LOT of distance { emotionally and literally } between you and this woman. Good luck - Wesley

Subject: RE: Help: Affairs of the heart...
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 04 Oct 01 - 01:48 PM

Speaking as a fully paid up Bar room Agony Aunt, and with a course in psychology under my belt, several degrees from the university of life I would say she is taking great satisfaction from F***ing up your life, probably doesn't realise how it affect you but gets a buzz from knowing that you still care. She probably gets in touch when her present relationship is not providing her with the expected levels of comfort and wants someone to adore her. For your own peace of mind and in order to progress to new relationships uncluttered with painful history give her the BIG E next time she phones, hard I know but you need to do it for yourself and this is one occasion when you can be orgiven for being entirely selfish