Nasty Nursery Rhymes

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 10:57 AM

Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day.
The doctor gave her Ex-Lax
To pass the time away.
Mary took the Ex-Lax,
But the time it would not pass,
So if you want to know the time,
You can look up Mary's aunt, who has a watch too.

Cf.:

Of all the fishes in the seas,
The strangest is the bass.
It climbs into the tops of trees
And slides down on its hands and knees
To frolic in the grass.

That, however, was probably composed by a grownup.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: wysiwyg
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 11:51 AM

There goes the PC--

Up we go into the wild blue yonder CRASH!

Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail, CRIPPLED!

~S~

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Bluegrass Granny
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 11:59 AM

Mary had a little lamb She tied him to a heater And every time he turned around He burned his little peter!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: pavane
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 04:52 PM

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
her knickers all tattered and torn
It wasn't the spider
That sat down beside her
But little boy blue
with his horn

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Seth from Olympia
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 11:48 PM

My daughter recently brought home a book from the library entitled "Greasy,Grimy, Gopher Guts" which has all this stuff and more(and more and more....)

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Autotaz
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 02:36 AM

Old Mcdonald sittin on a bench,
Beating his meat with a Monkey wrench;
The Monkey wrench slipped and hit him in the Ball,
he peed all over his overalls.

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they would fuck.

Nobody love me
Everybody Hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms
big fat juicy ones
little bitty skinny ones
watch them wiggle and Squirm

The worms crawl in
the worms crawl out
though the stomach
and out the snout
then the eyes turn Glossy Green
and Damn me without a straw!

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch poor rover a bone, but when she bent over rover took over because he had a bone of his own.

I wish I was a wooden boy, a wooden boy, a wooden boy; If I was a wooden boy I be your woody too!

Their onces was a man from Nantucker;
who had a dick so long he could suck it;
He wiped off his chin with a silly grin;
And said, if my ear was a cunt I would fuck it!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Teresa
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 03:26 AM

Mary had a little lamb, and tied it to the heater
Every time it turned around it burned its little
peter peter pumpkin-eater had a wife and couldn't keep her, etc.

Push the button, turn the crank,
Out comes a German army tank.
Push the button, pull the chain
Out comes a chocolate choo-choo train!

(said faster and faster):
I smart fella; I fella smart.

Tra-la-la boom-dee-ay, I'll scare your pants away,
And while you're standing there, I'll take your underwear.

(to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic)"
I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it's hot.
I wear my pink pajamas in the winter when it's not.
And sometimes in the springtime, and sometimes in the fall,
I crawl between the sheets with nothing on at all!.

This isn't nasty, but I love it. I think it's a Shel Silverstein-ism:
Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.

Teresa

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fidjit
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 03:11 PM

Green and Yellow custard
Snot and Bogey pie
All mixed together
With a dead man's eye

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen Mary's little lamb
But, I've never seen her bare.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 03:14 PM

A modern one from one Richard Digance.

Sing a song of sixpence, a pocketful of Rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie,
When the pie was opened, a shrivelled blackbird spat,
"Oh! come on lads, a joke's a joke, what rotten sod did that?"

Well it made me laugh.

Don T.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Weasel Books
Date: 02 Feb 05 - 04:23 PM

Mother Goose contains more than enough nasty ones. For instance: Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief, Taffy leaned came up to our house and stole a side of beef.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: fogie
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:32 AM

Little boy sits on the lavatory pan,
Slowly caressing his little old man,
Flip flop into the tank,
Christopher Robin is having a

Now we are no longer 6!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: pavane
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:48 AM

A few more remembered from my youth, which don't seem to have been posted yet

Mary had a little lamb
'twas full of fun and frolics
And every time the music played
She kicked it in the      earhole


Jack and Jill went up the hill
There was no-one in the vicinity
Jack came down less half-a-crown
And Jill less her virginity


For US readers, the Crown and Half-Crown were old coins. A Crown was worth a quarter of a Pound sterling, or 5 shillings. Half a crown was worth one eighth of a pound, or two shillings and six pence. It was colloquially known as a half a dollar, because that was its approximate value in the good old days of four dollars to the pound.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: susu
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 07:57 AM

A little bird with a little bill
hopped upon my window sill
I led him in with a piece of bread
Then I crushed his little head!

Late one night
when we were all in bed
Old Lady Leary
Left a Lantern in the shed
and when the cow kicked it over
it winked it's eye and said
"They'll be a hot time in the old town tonight."
"Fire!" "Fire!" "Fire!"

(now say it backwards)
Night one late
in bed we were all in
Lady old Leary
Left the shed in the lantern
and when the kick cow'd it over
it's eye and winked and said
they'll be a time hot in the town old tonight
"Erif!" "Erif!" Erif!"

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: pavane
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:25 AM

Little fly upon the wall
Ain't you got no clothes at all?
Ain't you got no Ma and Pa
Take that, you bastard (action: swat the fly)

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Chip2447
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 02:16 PM

when you see a hearse go by
you may be the next to die.
The worms crawl in,
the worms crawl out.
the worms play pinnochle
in your snout.
Your eyes bug out,
Your teeth fall out,
your hair turns into saurkraut.
Yum, yum, gimme a spoon.

Chip2447

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Bob Coltman
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 03:16 PM

Lucy - am I the only one whose curiosity is whetted? Please, let's have the Vampire Named Mabel! Bob

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Big Jim from Jackson
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 05:43 PM

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare.
---and so was her daughter, I guess!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Carlisle101
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:42 PM

On top of a smoggy,
all covered in sand
I shot my poor teacher
with a red rubber band.

I shot her with pleasure
I shot her with pride
You couldn't have missed her
She was 50 ft wide.

I went to the funeral,
I went to the grave
Some people thrugh flowers
I through a grannade.

Her body whent up
her body whent down
her body whent Splattt
all over the ground.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 06:55 PM

Mary had a little hen,
She kept it in a bucket.
Cause every time she let it out,
The rooster used to chase it round and round the barnyard, but he never caught it cause that little hen was just too fast!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 07:42 PM

Old mother Hubbard went to th cupboard,
To get the postman a letter,
When she got there, the cupboard was bare,
So they had it without! It was better.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,John, Lancashire
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 08:05 PM

I took my girlfriend to the station / to see the chuffers shunt. / A piece of coal flew out one day / and hit her in the ... Country girls are very sweet / but also very strict / they put their arms around your waist / and fiddle with your ... Dicky was a bulldog lying in the grass / up came a bumble-bee and stung him on his ... Ask no questions, tell no lies / Have you ever seen a Chinaman buttoning up his ... Flies are a menace, bugs are even worse / and that is the end of this cheeky little verse.

Three German officers in a tank, Parley-voo. Three German officers in a tank, Parley-voo, Three German officers in a tank, Two to drive and one to push, Inky-pinky parley-voo.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Swave N. Deboner
Date: 03 Feb 05 - 11:35 PM

Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
My husband will be home in 5 minutes!
***
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating his girlfriend, Mary
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plumb
And said, "Where the fuck is your cherry?!"

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Barbara
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 01:40 AM

To the tune of "Joy to the World"

Joy to the world that Santa's dead.
We barbequed his head.
And what about his body?
We flushed it down the potty,
And round and round it goes,
And round and round it goes,
And row-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ownd it goes.

Blessings,
Barbara,
who learned it from her fourth grade daughter.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 10:39 AM

Little boy kneels by the sitting-room fire,

Little face flushed with abnormal desire.

Meow! Meow! Oh, what is that?

Christopher Robin is sodding the cat.

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: When an idea is wanting, a word can always be found to take :||

||: its place.                                                   :||

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Layah
Date: 04 Feb 05 - 12:16 PM

Miss Susie had a steamboat
The steamboat had a bell
THe steamboat went to heaven
Miss susie went to
Hello operator
Please give me number nine
And if you disconnect me
I'll chop off your
Behind the fridgerator
There was a piece of glass
Miss susie sat upon it
and broke her little
ask me no more questions
I'll tell you know more lies
the boys are in the bathroom
zipping up their
flies are in the meadow
(I forgot this line)
Miss susies in (fogot this word too)
Kissing in the D A R K D A R K dark dark dark

There was an alternate ending that I also don't remember much of. (?s like a movie, a movie's like a show, a show is like a picture show and that is all I know) That's as suggestive as any of my childhood rhyms got. I'm amazed you got away with songs with actual swearing in them, and things suggestive enough I never would have gotten the joke.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 04:41 PM

Oh mother hubbard went to the cupboard to get Poor rover some bread; But when she bent over rover took over and she got bread instead.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Autotaz
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 04:50 PM

Oh mother hubbard went to the cupboard to get Poor rover some bread; But when she bent over rover took over and she got bread instead.

Messed up.. I didn't quit get my signature on this. It another one I almost forgot!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fliss
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 06:33 PM

Little boy sits at the foot of the stairs
Blood on the carpet, and fur on the mat
Christopher Robin's castrated the cat


Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks.
And when she saw what she had done,
She gave her father forty-one.


Mary had a little lamb
To prove it was not silly
She tossed him up into the air
And caught him by his nose :)


Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief,
Taffy came to our house and stole a leg of beef.
I went to Taffys house Taffy werent at home
He was down the garden chewing on the bone.


fliss xx

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: vectis
Date: 06 Feb 05 - 07:51 PM

Mary had a little lamb
Her daddy shot it dead
And now it goes to school with her
Between two bits of bread

Hey diddle diddle
The cat did a piddle
All over the kitchen floor
The little dog laughed to see such fun
So the cat did a little bit more

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Fliss
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 07:00 PM

Donald Duck did a muck
Behind the kitchen door
Mrs Duck wiped it up
And then he did some more

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Macha
Date: 07 Feb 05 - 11:24 PM

Does every one here know the song "Do Your Ears Hang Low?"? The men who origanly sang the song were not singing about their ears.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 10:07 AM

Joe F:

I know that one as:

When the weather's hot and sultry
That's no time to commit adult'ry
But when the frost is on the punkin,
THAT's the time for peter-dunkin!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: annamill
Date: 08 Feb 05 - 03:45 PM

Old one!

A funeral is a gay affair,
with friends and relatives everywhere.
They shut you up in a mahogany box
and cover you up with stones and rocks.

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
the worms play pinocle on your snout.


*******************************************8
Speaking of greasy, grimy gopher guts...

in the DT

Great, Green Gobs of Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts

Great, Green Gobs of Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts
(Tom Glazer)

CHO: Great, green gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts,
    Mutilated monkey meat, itty bitty birdie feet.
    Great, green gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts,
    And me without a spoon.

Some people eat hamburger meat while others like potatoes,
And some must chew their Irish stew along with ripe tomatoes.
I can't understand why in ev'ry land, they serve such peculiar dishes.
For wherever I go, they always say "No!" when I tell them what my wish is.
I scream for ... (Chorus)

I can pay my way in a French café which is big and quite expensive,
Where the diners dine and the wine is fine, but I'm always apprehensive.
When the menu comes, I twiddle my thumbs at the list of fancy dishes:
Caviar and steaks, champagne and cake, is never what my wish is.
I beg for ... (Chorus)

In the life to come, I intend to hum this hymn to old Saint Peter:
I won't need much, when my harp I touch, and become a heavenly eater.
I won't ask for money or milk and honey, and my voice will never falter
While the trumpets blare on the Golden Stair as I stand at the Shining Altar.
I yell for ... (Chorus)

(Tag:) And me without a spoon! Yuck!
copyright Tom Glazer


Love, Annamill

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,psirusmojo
Date: 15 Feb 05 - 11:14 PM

A little bird with a little bill
landed on my window sill
I lured him in with a piece of bread
Then I crushed his little head!

Then a bigger bird with a bigger bill
landed on my window sill
I lured him in with a piece of bread
then I crushed his bigger head!

Then the biggest bird with the biggest bill
landed on my window sill
I lured him in with a piece of bread
then I crushed his biggest head!

The moral of the story is...
if you got no bread, you get no head!



Roll roll roll a blunt
twist it at the end
light it up and take a puff
then pass it to a friend


old mother hubbard went to the cubbard
to get her dog a bone
when she bent over, rover took over
and had a little bone of his own

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Suz
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 09:22 AM

Can anyone remember the rest of this little gem?

Mary had a little lamb
She thought it was quite silly,
So she threw him in the air
& caught him by his
Willy was a ...

I can't remember the rest!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 09:39 AM

Hickory dickory dock
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
Castrated the other
Hickory dickory dock


Ding Dong Dell
Pussy's in the well
Who put him in?
I did - I hate cats!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 10:16 AM

Macha:

I think you're looking for Sailors' Hornpipe Words

CHEERS

Nigel

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Chris Green
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 02:43 PM

I shot an arrow in the air
It fell to earth I not where...



I lose all my fucking arrows that way!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 02:52 PM

A variation from a rhyme above

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone

As she bent over, Rover he drove her

Cause he had a bone of his own.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Bernard
Date: 20 Feb 05 - 03:10 PM

Mary had a little lamb
The doctor was surprised.
But when Old MacDonald had a farm
He couldn't believe his eyes!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Bonnie
Date: 21 Feb 05 - 05:02 PM

This isn't nasty, it's really kind of sweet. My dad taught me all of these.

There once was a farmer who took a young miss
Out back by the barn where he gave her a
Lecture on horses and chickens and eggs
And that's when he told her she had beautiful
Manners that suited a girl of her charms
A girl that he'd like to take in his
Washing and ironing and then if she did
They could get married and raise lots of

Sweet violets, sweeter than all the roses
Covered all over from head to toe,
Covered all over with sweet violets.

The girl told the farmer that he'd better stop
'Coz she'd call her father and he'd call a
Taxi and get there before very long
'Coz someone was doing his little girl
Right for a change and that's when he said,
Son if you'll marry you're better off
Single for it is my belief
Marriage will being nothing but

Sweet violets, etc.

Now that you're all going "aw" here's another one my dad taught me.

My Bonnie has tuberculosis
My Bonnie has only one lung
She coughs up her blood in a basket
And dries it and chews it for gum

Dentyne, Dentyne, she dries it and chews it for gum

My grandmother sells prophylactics
She punctures the heads with a pin
My grandfather does the abortions
My god how the money rolls in

Rolls in, rolls in, my god how the money rolls in rolls in

This is to the tune of "Colonel Bogey's March"

Hitler, he only had one ball
Goering had two, but they were small
Himmler was somewhat similar
but Goebbels had no balls at all.

Here's another goody about Hitler

Whistle while you work
Hitler is a jerk
Mussolini bit his weenie
Now it doesn't work.

This is to the tune of Freres Jacques:

Marijuana, Marijuana
LSD, LSD
College kids're making it
High school kids're taking it
Why can't we? Why can't we?

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,manda
Date: 22 Feb 05 - 12:02 AM

fuck fuck fuck a duck
screw a kangaroo
fingerbang an orangutang
orgy at the zoo

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Ras
Date: 22 Feb 05 - 08:33 AM

Hey diddle diddle, the cat did a piddle
All over the kitchen floor
The little dog laughed so much at that
He cocked up his leg and pissed on the cat

School dinners, school dinners
Mushy chips, mushy chips
Soggy semolina, soggy semolina
I feel sick, toilet quick
It's too late, done it on the plate

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 22 Feb 05 - 10:19 AM

According to my father, Jewish boys in New York City, ca. 1900, recited

Jesus Christ

Went to scheiss

Behind an apple tree.

A snake came past

And bit him on the ass

And blamed it all on me.

An allegory & two Biblical allusions -- pretty good for naughty boys!

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: Applause makes a good time to fart. :||

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Ed
Date: 13 Feb 06 - 01:31 PM

Here are two;

have you ever wondered when the hearse goes by
what they do to you when you die?
they wrap you up in a big white sheet
and put you in a hole about 6 feet deep.
the worms crawl in
the worms crawl out
the ants play peanknuckle on your snout
and then you turn a greasy green
and pus comes out like whipping cream
thats why campbells soup tastes mmm-mmm good!

three german officers in a tank
taboo! taboo!
three getman officers in a tank
taboo! taboo!
three german officers in a tank
thats one to drive and two to wank
taboo tabai to-bollocky-i
to-bollocky-i taboo!

they came across a wayside inn
taboo! etc
and pissed on the matt and walked right in...

the landlord had a daughter fair
with golden-brown pubic hair

they dragged her up the ricketey stair
and fucked her till she lay there dead

they dragged her down the backstreet alley
and fucked her back to life again!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,calster
Date: 02 Jun 07 - 09:25 PM

your mother is a ditch who likes to clean her ditch,
because of this she makes a football pitch,
she plays with the lad and fucks you uncle mitch

   haha basteds

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Jun 07 - 02:45 PM

mary mary quite contrairy how does your gerden grow i live in a flat you stupid twat so how the fuck should i know

lol we swear alot over in England

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Scorpio
Date: 21 Jun 07 - 08:19 PM

Mary had a little lamb,
its fleece was black as soot.
All over Mary's bread and jam
its sooty foot it put.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Nikkiwi
Date: 22 Jun 07 - 06:11 PM

Heres one from down under

Spider spider oh so small
Climbing climbing up the wall
You didn't it'd just been plastered
so now you're stuck - you stupid b*stard

And one we used for "counting out" for teams etc

it, dit, (dog/cow/bull)-shit, you are not it

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,youngest one
Date: 18 Jul 07 - 11:29 PM

They are rhymes for "patty-cake" type games that girls play…

Miss Suzy

Miss Suzy had a steam boat,
The steam boat had a bell,(ding ding)
Miss Suzy went to heaven ,
The steam boat went to…
Hello operator,
Give me number nine,
And if you disconnect me,
Ill kick you from….
Behind the "frigerator" ,
There was a piece of glass,
Miss Suzy sat upon it,
And broke her little…
Ask me no more questions,
Tell me no more lies,
The boys are in the bathrooms,
Zipping up their …
Flies are in the meadows,
The bees are in the park,
Miss Suzy and her boyfriend,
Are kissing in the,
D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K
Dark, Dark, Dark


Miss Marry Mack

Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack
All Dressed in Black, Black, Black,
With silver buttons, buttons, buttons,
All down her back, back, back,
She asked her mother, mother, mother,
For fifty cents, cents, cents,
To see the elephants, elephants, elephants,
Jump the fence, fence, fence,
They jumped so high, high, high,
They touched the sky, sky, sky,
They never came back, back, back,
Till the fourth of July, July, July.