Nasty Nursery Rhymes

Subject: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:22 AM

When I was wee we used to recite the following nursery rhyme (Christ knows how these things wash up on the shores of memory, but it just did!).

Ah-choo, ah-choo, me mother has gone to church
She told me not to play with you because you're in the dirt
It's not because you're dirty
It's not because you're clean
It's because you've got the whooping cough and eat margarine

Other 'catters will surely remember rhymes which they used to chant in the playground, nasty or not. It'll be interesting to see whether these rhymes are regional or universal ...

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Micca
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:30 AM

Derrymacash, what you need it access to a copy of " The Lore and Language of Schoolchildren" By Iona and Peter Opie (ISBN 0-19-282059-1) and.to a lesser extent, its companion volume by the same authors "The singing game" (ISBN 0-19-284019-3) both deal with British Isles stuff and are unequalled fro their scholarship and thoroughness, including dealing with regional variations

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:53 AM

Nice one Micca ... I'll see if I can get my hands on a copy.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: masato sakurai
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 11:12 AM

Various kinds of nasty rhymes are included in Mary and Herbert Knapp, One Potato, Two Potato: The Folklore of American Children (Norton, 1976); and Simon J. Bronner, American Children's Folklore (August House)

~Masato

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 01:28 PM

Not so nasty, but some good fun-Roald Dahl, revolting rhymes

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 01:52 PM

My brother Billy had ten foot Willy
and he showd it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake and she hit it with a rake
and now it's only five foot four.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with half a crown
but not for carrying water.

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they'd fall off.
( Never understood that last one - it doesn't rhyme;-) )

One-two-three alera
I saw my sister Sarah
Sitting on her bum-delera
Eating chocolate biscuts.

Anna-Maria peed on the fire
The fire was too hot so she peed on the pot
The pot was too round so she peed on the ground
The ground was too flat so she peed on the cat
and the cat ran away with pee on it's back.

Eeeeeh - good old days. Those were genuine Salford 1950/60's. I know others but I think I know them bu 'osmosis' from Oldham tinkers albums! I'll see what else I can dredge up. One I can remember the start of was Nebukanezer the king of the Jews, bought his wife a pair of shoes but it stops there! I remember my sister skipping to it.

Cheers

Dave the Gnome

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:08 PM

Bear in mind of course that kids can be, as the title suggests, nasty little buggers! I guess we knew no better then though. Some of the rhymes would be very un-pc today and if I heard my kids saying them they would get a clip round the lug'ole! (Well, not now - they are bigger than me;-)) The reason I mention it is that I just remembered these as well -

And the lord said unto Moses
All the Jews shall have big noses
All except for Aaron
and he shall have a square 'un.

That also brought to mind another biblical classic (hopefully not as insulting!)

I saw Esaw, sitting on a see-saw

and the clasic monologue about Daniel that I think has already been discussed on this forum

(Shot! Shouted Daniel. Shit! Shouted the King. And in those days the Kings words were his commands so ten thousand arseholes ponted in an easterly direction...)

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:11 PM

Well, they ain't exactly circulating on the schoolyards, but for sheer stupid and nasty, it's hard to beat Andrew "Dice" Clay with immortals like:

Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off
His fuckin' dick.

Others from his "act" are HERE

The only one of his that I know for a fact WAS making the schoolyard rounds at least 40 years ago is a bit different than listed there. I remember it quite well:

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover came over,
And he had a bone of his own.

Spaw

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: weepiper
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:18 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water,
Jill forgot to take her pill
and now she's got a daughter.

Dave the Gnome, my Nan used to sing me the Nebuchudnezzar (sp?) one, I remember it as:
Nebuchudnezzar the king of the Jews
Bought himself a pair of shoes
When the shoes began to wear
Nebuchudnezzar began to swear, swear, swear, swear...

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:30 PM

Ahhhh - thats the one weepiper! But it does have more. Memory in overdrive...

When the swearing began to stop...

No! Gone again!

Anyone else know it?

Just looked up the spelling in my old encyclopedia btw -

Nebuchadnezzar or Nebuchadrezzar. He was , apparantly, 'the greatest of the Babylonian kings.' I never knew that!

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 02:31 PM

One day Hardi's mind slipped a cog, and out came:

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider and climbed up inside her and said what a good boy am I.

There is a certain logic to it, and almost a music post, if you think about it.

~S~

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 03:23 PM

Mrs G came up with the goods as usual -

Nebuchadnezzar the King of the Jews
bought his wife a pair of shoes
When the shoes began to wear
Nebuchadnezzar began to swear
When the swearing began to stop
Nebuchadnezzar bought a shop
When the shop began to sell
Nebuchadnezzar bought a bell
When the bell began to ring
Nebuchadnezzar began to sing
Do ray me fa so la ti do...

Glad about that - it would have bigged me all night!

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 03:24 PM

Or even bugged me:-O

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 04:22 PM

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them as well, he's funny that way!

or

Hey diddle diddle, the cat did a piddle
All over the kitchen floor.
The little dog laughed to see such sport
So the cat did a little bit more!

Ah, lovely days!

LTS

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: WickedLad
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 04:54 PM

LITTLE WILLIE

Little Willie hung his sister
She was dead before we missed her
"Willie's always up to tricks,
Ain't he cute? He's only six,"

Little Willie, in the best of sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes.
By and by the room grew chilly,
But noone liked to poke up Willie

and

TIS SWEET TO ROAM

Tis sweet to roam when morning's light
Resounds across the deep;
And the crystal song of the woodbine bright.
Hushes the rocks to sleep
And the blood red moon in the blaze of noon
Is bathed in a crumbling dew,
And the wolf rings out with a glittering shout,
To-whit, to-whit, to-whoo.!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Arbuthnot
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 04:58 PM

I'll put a real post in later; needs to be composed off line because I know a lot of relevant stuff, but -

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Knickers all tattered and torn,
It was not the spider that sat down beside her
But Little Boy Blue with his horn

- Judge Dread (Big Six)

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Micca
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 05:04 PM

Lttle Willie from his mirror licked the Mercury right off
Thinking in his childish error ,it would cure the Whooping cough
At his funeral his mother brightly said to Mrs Brown
"'twas a chilly day for Willie when the Mercury went down"

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Keltik
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 05:11 PM

from the mid 70's in maryland....

Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat, tiny birdies stinky feet,
French fried eyeballs floating in a pool of blood,
And me with out my spoon!
(big barbershop finish)
-but not my straaawwww!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: The Walrus
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 06:08 PM

Little boy sits at the foot of the stairs,
Clutched in his little hand, little brown hairs,
Oooh look, What's that on the mat?
Christopher-Robin's just doctored the cat.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Sorcha
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 06:31 PM

Good grief--you guys know all kinds of badnastyshit, don't you? All I can remember is:
Here comes the bride,
Big, fat and wide.........there is more, I think.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 06:46 PM

Nebuchadnezzar, the king of the Jews,
Pulled off his stockings, but left on his shoes.

Old Mr Kelly had a pimple on his belly.
His wife cut it off, and it tasted like jelly.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children -- she didn't know what to do, evidently.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school.
We have tortured every teacher, we have broken every rule.
We have battered down the office door and killed the principule.
The brats are marching home.
Glory, glory hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
I hit her on the bean with a rotten tangerine,
And the juice came trickling down.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: lady penelope
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 06:55 PM

Gooey, gooey custard
Snot and bogey pie
All mixed together with a dead dog's eye
Put it in the oven
And bake it nice and quick
And wash it all down with a cool cup of sick!

Ah, primary school poetry.

My alternative Mary rhyme...........

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white as snow
and to all the local gentry
It was fifty quid a go!

TTFN M'Lady P.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: bill\sables
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 07:17 PM

A couple I remember were;

Old mother Reily had a fine cow
To milk it to milk it she never knew how
She pulled it's tail instead of it's tit
And old mother Reily got covered in shit

Old King Cole was a merry old soul
He played with his soldiers in bed
But when he was tired of his majors and generals
He played with his privates instead

Rule Britania marmalade and jam
Five Chinese crackers up your arse hole
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
Bill

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Nigel.Parsons
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 07:22 PM

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick Jack jumped over the candle stick Alas poor Jack should've jumped higher Goodness Gracious, great balls of fire

Mary had a little lamb She also had a bear, I've often seenher little lamb, But I've never seen her bare!

Mary had a little bear, She treated it so kind, And everywhere that Mary went, You'd see her bare behind!

Mary had a little dress, The skirt was split in half. And every step that Mary took, The boys would see her calf.

Mary had another dress, Split right up the front.. But she didn't wear that one!

Nigel Parsons

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Barracuda
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 07:28 PM

to Keltik: But I had a straw so I ate it all!

I remember a jump rope rhyme:

Cinderella dressed in Yella Went downtown to see her fella On the way her girdle busted How many people were disgustd 1 - 2 - 3 etc.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Hawker
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 07:48 PM

Another Mary one -

Mary had a little sheep
With that sheep she went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram...
Mary had a little lamb!

I know one about a vampire called Mabel, but its not very nice at all!!!!!
Nice to see you all again - had a virus!!!!!
Lucy

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Morticia
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 08:35 PM

Ding dong dell, pussy's in the well
But we put disinfectant in
So we don't mind the smell

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Giac
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 08:39 PM

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And she mashed the bastard with a spoon.

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: curmudgeon
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 09:29 PM

Long and thin goes too far in
And doesn't please the ladies.
Short and thick will do the trick
And bring out proper babies.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:16 PM

Mary had a little lamb
The doctors were surprised
But when Old MacDonald had a farm
They nearly shit a brick

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: ddw
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:40 PM

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And said, "You really eat that shit?!"

Mary, Mary quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
It's none of your damned business.

Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plum
And said, "We had the same shit last year!"

Or

And said, "They expect me to eat this shit?!"

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 10:51 PM

Curmudgeon: A fuller version:

Long and thin goes too far in
And doesn't please the ladies.
Short and thick will do the trick
And bring out proper babies.
Our Mary did it once.
Once was once too many.
Wasn't she a silly dunce?
Did it for a penny.

(Tune: "Pop Goes the Weasel")

*

When the weather's hot and sticky,
Then it's time for dunkin' dickie.
When the frost is on the punkin,
That's the time for dickie-dunkin'.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 11:21 PM

My favorite for rhyming-it-like-it-is was:

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And one fucking petunia.

I think most all were like that - just a take on a known rhyme, nothing all new. Maybe I'll remember a few more.

Yes, Opie is excellent and Randolph's Pissing in the Snow has a number, too.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Abby Sale
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 11:30 PM

That last Guest was me, unsigned, for some reason. But now I'm resigned. Ah, many good memories coming back but already posted. We had as a last line for the same Jack & Jill: Did you thing they went up for water?

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her sister.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: ddw
Date: 06 Dec 01 - 11:51 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill Each with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with two and a half Don't think they went up for water

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Hrothgar
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 12:08 AM

Nothing like sectarian bigotry:

From the Catholic school kids to the state (that's public, non-sectarian) school kids -

Catholics, Catholics, ring the bell, While the States march to hell.

The response -

Catholics, Catholics, aitting on a log Eating the belly out of a frog.

There are more. I'll work on it.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,T.C
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 06:58 AM

Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Never you mind you nosey Bastard?

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Because he had a square arse!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Dharmabum
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 07:32 AM

This was a big hit in 3rd grade.

Scabs Sandwiches

Scabs sandwiches with puss on top
Monkey vomit & elephant snot
Doggy dandruff & cat poo poo
Scabs sandwiches are good for you.

Teacher Teacher I declare
I see teachers underware.

I see Paris I see France
I see teachers underpants.

DB.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Gervase
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 07:59 AM

Mary had a litle pig
And it was always grunting.
She tied it to a five-bar gate
And kicked its little head in

Dinah, Dinah, show us your leg,
A yard above your knee..

...One red one, one white one,
And one with a bit of shite on,
And the hairs on her dickey-di do
Came down to her knee...


Bloody hell, those came back wafting back down the back passage of my memory like a bad smell!
Micca's right, though - the Opies are the best starting-off point for anything like this.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: running.hare
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:01 PM

"we break up we break, we dont care if school blows up, the'll be no mre english, no more french, no more sitting on the old school bench. If the teacher interfears, hang her up & box her ears, If that does not do the trick, Dinamite will do it Quick. Teacher teacher on the chair, I can see your underwear, Is it black or is it white? Ohh my god it's dinamite."

(the only problem out 1st school teachers had with that was they made us sing "gosh" rather than "god"

I'm sure I'll think of more later :¬)

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Ivan
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:22 PM

Jessie McGuire she pee'd in the fire The fire was too wee so she peed in the sea The sea was too wide so she peed in the Clyde And a' the wee fishes swam up her backside

(Scottish early fifties)

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Barracuda
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:31 PM

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: SharonA
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:32 PM

Variation of "enny-meeny-miney-moe" for choosing the person who will be "It" for a playground game:

(potential "Its" gather in a circle)
My mother and your mother had a big fight.
My mother knocked your mother clean out of sight.
What color blood came out, red or blue?
(At this point, the person to whom the speaker is pointing must choose "red" or "blue")
R-E-D spells red (or B-L-U-E spells blue)
And you are not go-ing to be "It."
(At this point, the person to whom the speaker is pointing leaves the circle and the rhyme starts again)

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Barracuda
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 02:33 PM

to: Dharmabum

I see London I see France I see teacher's underpants

Are they blue or are they pink, I don't know but they sure stink!

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 09:22 PM

Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day.
And so she took some castor oil
To pass the time away.....
..But the time it would not pass,
So if you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary's......Uncle Charlie, he has a VERY nice Grandfather's clock which keeps perfect time.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: AliUK
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 09:31 PM


Jack and Jill went up the hill
To get a roll of cheese.
Jack came down with a grin on his face
and his trousers round his knees.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 10:30 PM

Sharon, I don't know what part of Philly you grew up in, but in the Northeast in the early 60s we said:

My mother and your mother were hanging out clothes
My mother punched your mother right in the nose
What color was the blood?
(Etc.)

Then there was this one:

Lulu had a steamboat
The steamboat had a bell
Lulu went to heaven
And the steamboat went to
Hello Operator, get me Number 9
If you disconnect me
I'll kick you in the
Behind the refrigerator
There was some broken glass
Lulu stepped upon it
And broke her little
Ask me no more questions
I'll tell you no more lies
Lulu was a Girl Scout
And a Girl Scout never lies.

(I always thought the ending on that one was a bit weak, but that's the way I heard it.)

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 07 Dec 01 - 10:32 PM

Oops, too many line breaks! Sorry.

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 12:03 AM

Two Irishmen, two Irishmen were digging in a ditch,
And one called the other a dirty son of a
Peter Murphy, Peter Murphy, sitting on a dock.
Along came a bumblebee and stung him on the
Cocktail, ginger ale, five cents a glass.
If you do not like it, you may ram it up your
Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
If you get hit with a pail of shit, please close your eyes.

*Almost* equally weak. %^)

Subject: RE: Nasty Nursery Rhymes
From: GUEST,Souter
Date: 08 Dec 01 - 03:40 AM

I always heard
Miss Mary had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell
Miss Mary went to heaven, but the steamboat went to...
but we ended it
Ask me no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies
The boys are in the bedroom, Pulling down their
Flies are in the bedroom, bees are in the grass

Not sure how we ended it, my (foster) sister can make it REALLY dirty at the end. Unfortunately, I can't remember the words.