BS: Need a good joke

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Mr Happy
Date: 12 Sep 03 - 07:35 PM

You left out the Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, & Polishman!

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 11 Sep 03 - 08:23 PM

A priest, a nun, a rabbi, 2 construction workers, a transvestite, a hooker, a pig and a duck all walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at the group and says "What is this, a joke?"

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Sep 03 - 07:39 PM

Headline -

Alcoholic Horse Breaks Into Decanter

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Art Thieme
Date: 09 Sep 03 - 05:35 PM

Now that Schwarzenegger is a poitician... (see other thread)...

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Mr Happy
Date: 09 Sep 03 - 08:58 AM

In Washington, a government survey was ordered to study the migratory habits of birds. Thousands of all species were released with metal strips attached reading, "Notify Fish and Wild Life Division. Wash. Biol. Surv." Hugh Newton writes, "The abbreviation was changed abruptly following receipt of this penciled note from a vexed Alberta agriculturist: 'Gents: I shot one of your crows last week and followed instructions attached to it. I washed it, biled it, and surved it. It was awful. You should stop trying to fool the public with things like this.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: HuwG
Date: 09 Sep 03 - 08:01 AM

From the BBC Radio show, "I'm sorry, I haven't a clue", announcing the late arrivals at the clergymens' ball:

Will you please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Meek. And their saintly son, Blessed Arthur Meek.

Pray be upstanding for the Honourable Ismay-Shepherd. And his father, the Lord Ismay-Shepherd.



------------------


Perhaps just a trifle off-colour:


A vicar goes to his curate, and asks, "You haven't seen my bicycle have you ? I can't think where it might have gone."

"No, your Reverance. Perhaps it has been stolen."

"Oh, I surely hope not. But if someone has taken it, how shall I find out ?"

"Well your Reverence, for your next sermon, preach on the Ten Commandments. When you get to the eighth, 'Thou shalt not steal', look at the congregation, and if anyone looks uncomfortable, that surely is your culprit."

So, next Sunday, the vicar preaches on the Ten Commandments. He begins in fine style, but then falters before he gets to the eighth, and the sermon ends rather lamely. After the service, the curate approaches the vicar.

"What happened, your Reverence ? Were you taken ill ?"

"Not quite. I got to the seventh Commandment, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery'. And then I remembered where I left the bicyle."


----------------


A clergyman goes on a golf course. He isn't a great player but is hacking his way around in his own style. A man standing at one of the tees looks at his efforts and says, "May I suggest something, Padre ? If you move your right hand further up the handle, and bend your left elbow more, you won't slice the ball". The clergyman does as he suggests, and finds that he hits the ball straight for the first time. He carries on, the stranger follows him, offering useful advice at intervals. Finally they reach the nineteenth.

"Thank you for your help. I'm sure my play has improved", says the clergyman.

"Oh, think nothing of it Padre. And by the way, that will be fifty pounds. You see, I'm the Club Professional."

"I see. Well, I don't have that sum of money on me, but if you are here next week, I'll bring it then. Or, I could pay you in kind."

"How would you do that, Padre ?"

"Bring your mother and father. I'll marry them for you."

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: GUEST,Fossil
Date: 09 Sep 03 - 06:59 AM

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker.   I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did!   What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.   It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!   Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!   Everyone started honking!   I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.   I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach".   I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.   When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.   Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.   My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience!


A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and started walking towards me.   I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.   So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.   I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: gnu
Date: 09 Sep 03 - 05:13 AM

Hehehehehe ! Excellent. Rah, rah, rah !!! Hand me a tissue.

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: leprechaun
Date: 09 Sep 03 - 01:26 AM

There were four friends who played golf every Saturday. One was a priest, and the others were protestant ministers of various denominations. They played golf and discussed theology quite amicably, and were all very good friends. They lamented the fact they could never hear each others' sermons, because they all "worked" every Sunday.

One Pentecost Sunday, the busiest day of the year for the Catholic Priest, he looked up from serving the mass and saw that his three friends, the protestant ministers, had entered the church. The priest was mortified because every seat in the church was taken. The priest took little Johnny the alter boy aside and told him, "Johnny, I want you to get three chairs for the protestants."

Little Johnny the alter boy said, "Right now Father?"

"Of course right now," said the priest, and be quick about it."

Little Johnny was perplexed. "Please, Father, don't make me do it."

The priest said, "I want three chairs for the protestants, right now!"

Little Johnny closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and yelled,



"PROTESTANTS, PROTESTANTS, RAH! RAH! RAH!"

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Amergin
Date: 08 Sep 03 - 11:07 PM

george w bush was appointed by god to save the United States.

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: MarkS
Date: 08 Sep 03 - 10:38 PM

Its childrens time during the Sunday Methodist service, and the minister has the children gathered around. Reaching into the mystery box, the minister pulls out a baseball, and says, "Can anybody tell me what this reminds them of?"
Little Johnnie is the first to answer. "Jesus." He replies.
The minister is puzzled, and asks Johnnie how a baseball reminds him of Jesus.
"Well," replies Johnnie, "I didn't think you got me up here to talk about baseball."

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Sep 03 - 10:31 PM

Thanks to all who posted jokes. They are a big help. And deepest apologies to Nigel and all others who not only noticed my error in posting twice but were outraged and offended.

Seems like this forum hasn't changed all that much since I was member. My mistake to re-visit. I'm out. Bye!

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Gareth
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 06:44 PM

Old but repeatable, just change the sport and names to translate to the US of A

And there was the Rugby Match between two adjoining Villages. The Reverend Isaac Jenkins referee.
The scores where level. Right in front of the posts the Scrum collapsed and the Reverend Jenkins blew for a penalty. Up came the full back to kick the Goal. He spoted the ball. Stood back, miskicked and the ball veered off away from the posts.

"Bloody Hell" Said the full back. " Naughty" said the Reverend Jenkins, "You should ask The Lord to help you".

5 minutes later the same thing happened again. The full back swore, and again the Reverend Jenkins reproved him, and told him to seek the Lords help.

It was the last few minutes before the final whistle. A penalty in front of the posts, up came the full back, kicked, and the ball veered off towards the corner flag.

"Lord Please help me !" said the full back.

And the sky darkened and an Angel appeared, caught the ball and fanned it between the post with its wings for 3 points.

"Thank you Lord", said the full back.

"Bloody Hell" said the Reverend Isaac Jenkins .

Gareth, (and I know 'cos I was there.)

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 02:41 PM

Actually Bill, this is the first, the other is the second, but I know what you mean!
I suggested closing this one in the Help forum while there was only the original message in it

Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Tweed
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 02:25 PM

LOL!! Thanks Mr.Bill.
...thin no more...haw!

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 01:48 PM

this is the 2nd thread by same name...need some combining. I posted to other one earlier

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 01:31 PM

God and the devil out for a round of golf. Devil tee's off and hits a 180yd shot right down the fairway putting him in line for a bordie.

God slices his first shot. The ball bounces off a tree to the left of the fairway and shoots 20yds behind him, down a rabbit hole. The rabbit picks up the ball and sticks his head out to complain when a hawk flying over spots it and swoops. The hawk picks up the rabbit who, very surprised, still has the ball in its mouth. Just as the hawk reaches it's zenith a freak gust of wing blows causing the hawk to vear and drop the rabbit. The rabbit's fall is broken by a tall bush and as it lands it drops the ball right in the path of a deer running from a mountain lion. The deer doesn't see the ball and in it's haste kicks it up in the air where it sails straight down the first hole!

The devil gives God a wry look.

"Are we here to play golf or mess about all day..?"

Cheers

Dave the Gnome

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 11:39 AM

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Subject: RE: BS: Need a good joke
From: Bill D
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 11:32 AM

Pastor painting church

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"

A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

Subject: BS: Need a good joke
From: GUEST,Lucy's Mom
Date: 07 Sep 03 - 10:31 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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We will play a bluegrass gospel show (for 3rd year in a row) in October. I've always had a cute little joke for the pastor -- and I know he looks forward to it. Always cute, never off color, and with a religious slant.

Can't think of anything for this year! Can anybody help? Thanks.