BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!

Subject: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 27 May 04 - 05:42 AM

(A friend sent this to me, and I haven't whooped so hard in a while...enjoy!..xx..e)


I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. This is why we're in trouble!

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...(click).

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No,why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."The lady retorted, "Oh,don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it!   I knew it was a big animal," she said.


Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: GUEST,Hugh Jampton
Date: 27 May 04 - 06:01 AM

Ellenploy, they are well worth the read and the laugh.
How about the tourist who reported back to the travel agent that the couple had enjoyed their visit to Windsor Castle (Berkshire, UK)but "why did they build it so near the airport?!!"

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 May 04 - 06:34 AM

Thanks for the chuckle. Be Blessed.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 27 May 04 - 08:04 AM

Seems to help prove the 80% rule that I've developed working in Motor claims.

80% of the population share a brain cell and most of them have never seen it. Add to that that it is a prerequisite of political life to be in that 80%......

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: GUEST
Date: 27 May 04 - 08:15 AM

Travel broadens the mind. But in America's case' I'll make an exception.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 27 May 04 - 08:26 AM

amusing - but more sad then anything else - becuase unfortunately you KNOW there is truth in them.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Cluin
Date: 27 May 04 - 08:45 AM

I got this one years ago in my e-mail. This recent alteration of it seems designed to pick on politicians and lawyers, as the original didn't dwell on the occupations of the "stupid customers" involved.

I'm not too troubled by the picking-on-piloticians-and-lawyers aspect, but I question why insurance company people were ignored.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 May 04 - 09:20 AM

Piloticians... ha ha!

Who said that one difference between Europeans and Americans is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, but Europeans think that 100 miles is a long way?

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: mack/misophist
Date: 27 May 04 - 10:10 AM

Ridi Pagliacci.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Amos
Date: 27 May 04 - 10:15 AM

Wal, I 've heard it said that in America they believe in central heating and individual plumbing, and in England it's the other way around.

A

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 May 04 - 10:33 AM

As I started reading I thought "I have a congressonal aide story I can share" but on reflection I don't think it would fit afterall, because it's true and these anecdotes are contrived. I will simply offer a gentle nudge in the ribs and suggest that some folks are rather gullible.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:00 AM

I was under the impression that these were real, but if not, I will hasten to bet they're close to spitting distance from the truth.

While living in Greece, my sister-in-law wanted to know if I'd driven there from the States.

I never underestimate human gullibility, but I also never overestimate human reasoning..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:07 AM

I think some of these lists start with a kernal of true stories but as they make the rounds people can't resist adding manufactured events or a particular slant (house and senate in this case) to them and they lose any credible flavor, is all.

I have a collection of silly stories from my work over the years in National Parks around the country. But I wouldn't collect them into one list and send it around, because they would end up forwarded and altered.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:15 AM

Fair enough, SRS, though I bet you have some doozies..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:22 AM

There's a story from Ellis Island that's pretty good, and ended up with an apology from high-up in the custom service. . .as short as it can be, it has to be crafted carefully. Maybe later when I have a little time. I'm at work right now (just taking a quick dip in Mudcat for a change of venue).

Do you have any of your own stories, Ellenpoly? Something to give a nice segue into silly Mudcat stories?

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: kendall
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:28 AM

I'll tell you one that I know to be true because it happened to me.
One day while I was in the Fish & Wildlife service, I was talking to a tourist on the wharf in Portland Maine, and he asked "How far offshore do the boats have to go to catch Finnan Haddie"?

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:33 AM

I'll have to give it a think, SRS. Working in Theatre for many years, and also running a hotel in Greece for a decade, you'd think I'd have stories galore. But either my mind has edited out the really bizarre ones, or too many brain cells have leaked out onto my pillow.

Most of the time, they were one-liners. I do remember one fellow, the boyfriend of a dear friend of mine, who asked me who wrote Macbeth. I told him a guy named Hamlet, and he didn't even blink.

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:44 AM

I'm sure they're funy to most Ellen, and I appreciated reading them but after living in Orlando for 20 years and being involved in tourism much of that time, all I can say is that it's all just sade.

I currently work as director of a historical organization, but I also lead walking tours of Orlando for the organization, you would not believe the stupid questions I get (and not just from "tourists" - but from Orlandoans).

At this point in my life, I work under the assumption that people are stupid. When I find one that isn't, I'm pleasantly surprised. That's one of the reasons I like Mudcat. Most of us here aren't stupid. Few other discussion groups I've been to are like that.

Years ago, when I worked in the New Century Clock and Watch Shop on Main Street U.S.A. in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World I encountered the following questions:

What time is the 3 O'Clock Parade? (got that one at least once a week for two years)

Is the rain real? (Some actually thought that Diney manufactured it)

Are the birds real? (This one was about the little sparrows that fly & hop around picking up the food the idiots drop)

Where do you go on vacation? (some people can't imagine that someone who workds at Diisney would ever want to leave)

Why can't I find mouse ears with my name on them - they are all blank? (never thinking that we sew their name on each one)

I have a nephew that works at EPCOT - his name is John - do you know him? (When I worked at Disney, I was one of 25,000 employees of course today they have 50,000+)

Why do you make the ride lines so long? (yeah it's Disney's fault)

Why can't I stand on the top of this bridge railing? (This was often asked after we would ask guest to get down during parades. They often felt that if the fell, it's be ok becuase they would fall in the river behind them - but, of course everything is fake - that "river" is 6 inches deep)

How do I know where my car is in the parking lot? (yeah, that's the park staff responsibility)

I rode the train for an hour - why does it keep going in circles? (oh no! you mean someone moved the tracks again?)

Who lives in the castle?

Why don't you have Sea World t-shirts?

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:53 AM

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing these, Blackcatter!

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Bill D
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:57 AM

those stories read very well, and I would not be surprised that the kernel of truth is there..(It would be hard to write all those)...but a Google search reveals 28 copies, so I 'suspect' that they were sort of true at one time, but NOT all about congress members and such...Those folks need to be better informed than that.

I have personal knowlege of a few stories of that ilk, having worked in grocery stores and at a salvage yard and been a graduate teaching instructor in college. There ARE a few folks out there who simply are not equipped to think, or do not care to!

I heard an elderly lady complain on the radio that "daylight savings time would confuse the chickens"

I had several people ask me where to find the "aluminum angle iron"...(ok, that's a mild one)

I had one man REFUSE to comprehend about how he got his money back during the days of returnable bottles...(typing up the conversation would take hours!)

I KNEW a woman who thought she could make the water drain from her bathtub faster by squishing her hand up & down over the hole.

The stories about geography are being eclipsed by stories about computers and people who have NO idea about where 'files' exist, or what is in the menus at the top of the screen, or what that 'cup holder' is really for.

I think the world is simply too complex and moving too fast for many.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: GUEST,MMario
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:57 AM

I kid you not - I had a person at the Archery booth at my ren-faire last summer who complained that we didn't have laser sights on the bows.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: GUEST,Hugh Jampton
Date: 27 May 04 - 12:01 PM

Blackcatter, are the resident owls still to be seen on the canal that connects the two lakes in Orlando?

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 27 May 04 - 12:02 PM

"I KNEW a woman who thought she could make the water drain from her bathtub faster by squishing her hand up & down over the hole."


You mean it doesn't??????

;-D


..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 27 May 04 - 12:11 PM

Blackcatter, are the resident owls still to be seen on the canal that connects the two lakes in Orlando?

I'm afraid I'm not aware of this - there's canals connecting about 10 lakes in Orlando and we have plenty of owls. So I'm not sure which canal.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 27 May 04 - 12:33 PM

I posted this here 3 years ago:

A person asked me once near the Big Thunder Mtn. Railroad: "Could you tell me where the Magic Kingdom is?" I tried to explain that she was IN the Magic Kingdom, but she would have nothing of it. I could not persuade her, so I gave up and told her to turn around, walk through Adventureland to the center, go through Main Street USA until she got to the entrance, take the boat or the Monorail to the parking lot, get into her car and drive out to Interstate 4. Make a U-turn at the next interchange and follow the directions for the Magic Kingdom.

The next day I found out from my supervisor that she followed my directions and then when she discovered I had lead her on, she complained and insisted that I be fired. My luck the stupidest Disney guest ever was good at remembering names. I was not fired - she easily proved herself to be an idiot to the people she complained to so all I got was a reprimand.

-------------

I posted this list here in 1999 - This'll prove that I'm pretty consistant:

Stupid questions asked of me when I worked at Disney World 1985-87:

What time is the 3 o'clock parade?

Is the rain real?

Are the birds real?

Are the horses real? (usually asked after one drops a load - the horse, not the tourist)

How do you make it rain?

When do the pirates take their break?

Can the Monorail drop me off in front of the Castle? (This is asked from a location where it can be clearly seen that there is no Monorail track anywhere near the Castle.

Why don't you have a Southern accent?

Which park do you go to when you're on vacation?

My friend Bill works in EPCOT, do you know him? (this in a company with over 30,000 employees at the time)

(While standing in the Magic kingdom) Where's the Magic Kingdom?

Where is Disneyland?

Where are the Sea World toys?

Where is Shamu?

How will I find my car if I didn't think to remember where it was?

-------------

and the ultimate question, AND I SWEAR a fortyish man asked me this:

Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

----------

Once again - all those questions were placed to me over 2 years of working for the Mouse. I'm now a professional historian, so I do not make things up.

Maybe I'll give you a list of stupid questions on the historic tours I lead sometime.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Sorcha
Date: 27 May 04 - 01:11 PM

When working in a deli, I have been asked How much is the free coffee?
Ref: Wildlife--Where are the cages? How much do you feed the coyotes?
Overheard in Yellowstone: Where are the 4 Faces?
Overheard at Mt. Rushmore: Where is Old Faithful?
And the numbers of people I have seen feeding wild bear, bison and moose is incredible........

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 May 04 - 01:17 PM

I had a really strange request when I worked at the Great Smokeys. A woman came into the Sugarlands Visitor Center lugging a heavy hospital-variety nursing machine and requested a private space in which to use it. I found a back room where she plugged in and expressed. She came back with a cup or so of milk in the container and asked "where can I dump this stuff?"

"Down your baby" was the answer that occurred to me, but I simply pointed her at a sink. Having since had two children of my own, and having had to use one of those machines myself when my son was in the NICU, I'm still rather puzzled at her attitude toward the milk as something more than mildly distasteful. I guess she was just naive about nursing and over-prepared for travelling sans the baby. I always expressed by hand to save it for later. There's a lot of room for conjecture--where was the baby, would she be doing this if the baby had died? I don't think so. Her behavior didn't indicate any bereavement, just distaste. Odd. A little mystery to puzzle over.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 27 May 04 - 01:20 PM

You should have had her feed it to the bears.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 27 May 04 - 01:24 PM

I used to occasionally work in the Haunted Mansion - one of the jobs was to seat people in the "Doom Buggies". They are in motion all the time, so the guests step onto a moving walkway to then get into the buggies. In order to seat people properly, I would walk backwards on the walkway. People would aks - is walking backwards difficult? As if I was the first person they ever saw do it.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 May 04 - 01:30 PM

People would pull off the road to Clingman's Dome to feed and approach the panhandling black bears. Rangers would get frowns and complaints from those visitors when we drove by. It was SOP to stop and tell people to leave the bears alone if we observed them feeding bears. The bears always saw us (and probably knew our distinctive hats from a mile off) and fled. Their departure upset the people who could be seriously injured but were instead thrusting their small children towards bears in order to take their photos together. It's my theory that Disneyland is the perfect vacation destination for people like that. [sigh]

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Bill D
Date: 27 May 04 - 01:39 PM

one of my favorite expressions

"It's too bad ignorance doesn't itch."

at least pure ignorance CAN be scratched...stupidity can't. I try to feel pity and compassion for the truly stupid and/or retarded-- I have very little sympathy for those who make no effort to comprehend the world and learn basics. Sadly, it's hard to tell which one you are dealing with at times....so I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt the first time.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 27 May 04 - 01:56 PM

I'll post my 101 Ways to Get Yourself Killed at Disney World sometime.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Firecat
Date: 27 May 04 - 02:33 PM

How about "Which Roman Emperor is Hadrian's wall named after?" "Erm....Caesar?"

"Where is the French Riviera?" "Spain"

"Is East Angular in Portugal?" (She meant East Anglia, in the UK!)

And more like this...

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: mike the knife
Date: 27 May 04 - 04:32 PM

ooohhh.... good ones.
When I was living in Heidelberg Germany, I used to get tourists im my shop asking me how to get to the "Schlob" (Schloss=Castle). The "Scharfes S" (which meas two 's') looks like a weird capitol 'B'.
I once (briefly) worked for Barnes & Noble (financial distress & needed a job immediately) and the wonderful retired teacher who ran the fiction section was almost in tears- either from laughter or dismay, as he related a story: He was stocking the section that morning with a very young woman who noted the abundance of titles by Dickens. She mused that he must be a really popular author, given the amount of shelf space he commanded. The Teacher, pleased that the youngster was taking interest said, yes, he is indeed rather well thought of. To which she replied: "When is his next book coming out?"

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Sam L
Date: 27 May 04 - 05:57 PM

I worked in an art gallery where we got fun questions.

Do you make all this stuff? Yes. Chuck once tried to explain that nobody in a lifetime could learn all the different techniques to make all this stuff, and that, for example, this ceramicist hass an MFA in ceramics. Reply--Ha! You8're kidding.

When we move gift stuff out of the way to hang a show of pictures people ask Are you moving? No, we just made space because we're having a show, and I indicate the walls of paintings. Reply--Really, what's it going to be?

We had some of those inflatible figures of Munch's "Scream" and people kept asking if it was the kid in Home Alone. I started saying yes, but it was from the original silent film, a german expressionist movie starring Klaus Kinski's father, called Das Kinder Ist In Der Zimmer Mit Kein Alte Leute!!!--or whatever German-sounding title I could fake.

Once when I was entering a credit card purchase, and the machine beeps as you enter, a woman asked if she was standing too close to the pictures. Yes, and instead of asking you not to, I push this button here to beep you away.

But I can't make too much fun. Once a guy came in with a smudge on his forehead and I said excuse me, you have a smudge on your forehead. He said It's Ash Wednesday. I said oh yeah, I saw that on the calendar. But, seriously, dude, you have this smudge on your forehead.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 May 04 - 06:00 PM

On entering an old plane in the Caribbean, the man in front of me asked the stewardess "Do these planes crash often" she replied "No sir, only once". Be Blessed.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 27 May 04 - 06:11 PM

Ha!

Ever tell anyone they have a red dot on their forehead?


Here's a story from when I was working in the Orlando Public Library. I was working the front desk one day, and a man and a woman walked in. The lady started toward the fiction section and the man the opposite way. While passing by me (and still walking) he looked over at me (I was 20 ft away) and called out "Catcher in the Rye."

Not knowing what else to do I called back "J. D. Salinger."   

Upon that, the man turned 180 deg., and yelled to his wife: J. D. Salinger, not Tennyson!"

I've always wondered what Catcher would have been like if Alfred Lord Tennyson had written it.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Bill D
Date: 27 May 04 - 06:31 PM

one of the reasons I am 'delicate' on these issues ---

from a thread on "Illiteracy" several years ago

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 27 May 04 - 06:45 PM

Well one of the things that Disney taught me was to answer each question in a way that doesn't make the guest feel stupid.

This is sometimes difficult to do - thought the truly stupid wouldn't notice it, even if you told them.

I remember one day when I was stationed during a parade next to a sign that said restrooms with an arrow pointing the way. I was not standing in front of it, yet no less than 4 people in the space of 20 minutes walked up to me and asked me where the restrooms were. They were American, one and all, so unless they were part of a "illiterate trip" one wonders why they couldn't see the sign.

The 3 O'clock Parade was another weird thing. Every day, Disney prints up a sheet of the schedules of the days special shows, events and parades, since those can change from day to day. Everything on the list has a location and a time next to it - except the 3 O'clock Parade. It was, of course, names because that's when it happened, and the people in charge of the daily sheet thought it was obvious - and it was, except for a few dozen people out of a daily guest poulation of 20 to 80 thousand.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: kendall
Date: 27 May 04 - 09:25 PM

There was a woman in upstate Maine who called the highway department and insisted they remove the DEER CROSSING sign near her house. She complained that too many deer were getting hit there.

By the way, for those of you who don't know and are too afraid to ask, Finnan Haddie is smoked haddock.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: kendall
Date: 27 May 04 - 09:27 PM

The late Marshall Dodge told of a woman who asked a mink farmer, "How often do you skin them"?
He answered, "More than once a year makes them nervous."

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 May 04 - 10:15 PM

Okay, slightly embarrassing confession time. I have always prided myself on being courteous and professional to visitors at parks where I've worked, and I had many complimentary letters in my personnel file to attest to this. But sometimes stuff just slips out. One summer I was working not for the National Park Service but for a commercial cave in Kentucky called Diamond Caverns (in Park City, and part of the Mammoth Cave system, but not part of the park). It had gorgeous formations, but was fairly deep and had about 120 steps down into the cave, that ended at a concrete walkway that was slippery on one side that was a little steep. So I always had people walk around the other way.

I had a tour of about a dozen people, and we'd already gone into the cave. Since this is a commercial operation and every time you turn the lights on it cost$$, they send people into the tours up to five or ten minutes after they've already started to avoid running extra tours. The guide just catches the newcomers up and proceeds. A couple were coming downstairs, and I shouted to them "Please go around to your right. Your right--no, around to your right" as they came around to the left and nearly slipped. Muttering under my breath, "geez--are you deaf?" and the others heard me.

Yup, they were deaf. Boy did I feel stupid. BUT--I used my limited sign and copious finger-spelling for the entire tour and wowed the rest of them and pleased our deaf visitors, who confided to me that no one had been able to talk to them in the other caves they had visited. I sent them from there up to the National Park and told them which ranger to ask for because she knew sign language.

This was a state minimum wage job, and we worked for tips, like in waitressing. For all that visitors with special needs always made for more work, I always got much better tips when they were along and people could see how seamless I could make a tour and still include those visitors. This was where my college and professional training paid off (most of the tour guides in private caves were high school kids who didn't have a clue about being naturalists). And those are some of my favorite memories of the years I was an interpretive naturalist, when I could make places come alive for many visitors in ways they hadn't been aware of before.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:17 PM

They could have saved a lot of money if they specialized in blind tourists . . .

And then there's the obnoxious and mean tourists.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:42 PM

Ha! I got some great tips on one tour when I realized the boy waving around a weak flashlight was legally blind. He had a special monocular device for looking at things close-up. I had him stay up front with me and between stops I pointed him at some of my favorite small (but identical in proportion to the big ones) formations that he could see close-up with my flashlight. Imagine being the parents of a handicapped child out in the middle of nowhere on vacation, and having someone recognize his need and able to accomodate them by pointing him in a direction that lets him see exactly what everyone else on the tour is seeing--without being overly conspicuous to the rest of the tour--that was magical for the parents and the boy, but also for me. When you open that door, you have to answer questions, but if you also provide tools for further investigation you're helping everyone.

It's great work, if you can get it.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 27 May 04 - 11:47 PM

Funny - I kind of felt that nearly everyone who visited Disney was handicapped in some way.

Especially those who were on their honeymoon - (when do they have time for the sex?)

And those traveling with an infant. ("Honey - hand our 6 month old over to the giant mouse.")

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: GUEST,Augie
Date: 28 May 04 - 12:45 AM

I have a dental practice and I like my patients.Many, if not most of them are smarter than I in many areas,however... as I frequently need to ask them to move their jaw to the left or to the right while checking their bite, a staggering number reply, "Which Jaw?"
(Ah, go ahead , move your upper jaw)

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 28 May 04 - 01:51 AM

That got me thinking - I wouldn't make the same mistake, but I'm curious - is the jaw just the moveable part that holds the bottom teeth, or does it also include the part that holds the top teeth? I know the upper teeth are part of the skull, but is the jaw the joint thing - like the elbow or knee, or what?

Oh and one more thing I've always wanted to ask a dentist - what the hell is up with wisdom teeth?

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: GUEST,augie
Date: 28 May 04 - 02:56 AM

There are 2 jaws-just bones,really.Both part of the skull,both hold teeth.The upper (maxilla) and lower (mandible) meet at the Tempromandibular Joint (TMJ).You're right in that only the lower moves, this through the interaction of half a dozen facial muscles.

Wisdom teeth? God's gift to oral surgeons I guess.How else could dull, myopic, humourless individuals earn such a lucrative, if mindnumbingly boring living. Seems like they almost never fit properly (the wisdom teeth-not the oral surgeons).I have heard many suppositions regarding why they're there and why they don't fit.None definitive nor overly convincing.

Does this qualify for the most boring part of any thread ever on Mudcat? Sorry folks.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 28 May 04 - 03:41 AM

Not at all! I found it most interesting, augie. Listen the whole point is that people SHOULD ask questions, and be answered. What this thread shows is the difference between the ones who think before they ask.

"Maybe I'll give you a list of stupid questions on the historic tours I lead sometime"-Blackcatter

Yes, please! Also the 100 ways to kill yourself at Disney World.

I was remembering when I worked selling battery-powered toy puzzle cars at the Ideal Home Show here in London. There were always two questions which were asked time and time again-

"How much are they?"-(There were price signs located just above our heads....half a dozen of them, and it was also the very first thing we told them when they came up to the booth.)

"How do they run?"-(Asked immediately after we said they were battery powered. I just got into the habit of then saying they were operated by a two-inch-tall driver who had be specially trained for the job. Often they would nod their heads, and then ask how much they were.)

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Flash Company
Date: 28 May 04 - 11:28 AM

The earlier posting about feeding the bears reminds me of a incident I saw at Chester Zoo many years ago.
The Lion enclosure is seperated from the roadway by a six foot wide flower bed, beyond which is a wide concrete wall with mtal posts and a high mesh fence in the middle.
Someone lifted a five year old girl across the flower bed and onto the wall where she poked her arm through the wire to attract the attention of the lions! Oh boy!
A lioness came across the compound like an express train. Fortunately, a woman with slightly more sense than the parents screamed, and someone snatched the child away just as the lion hit the wire. Mother then had hysterics!

FC

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 28 May 04 - 11:31 AM

Bet the lion was bummed.

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 28 May 04 - 11:41 AM

101 Ways to Kill Yourself At Walt Disney World:


Step off the moving parking lot tram to retrieve the hat that blew off your head.

Play "King of the World" on the ferry that transfers people from parking to park while it's docking (unlike all other watercraft - this one isn't on a track).

Play Tarzan on the Tree of the Swiss Family Robinson.

Mess around on the bridges during a parade and fall 20 feet into 6 inches of water.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 28 May 04 - 11:59 AM

Uh oh, I guess this wouldn't be the best time to admit that once I took a hallucinogenic before going to Disneyland with a friend and ended up spending three hours on that Island ( I thought it was Tom Sawyer's??), pretending to be pirates. No, we didn't climb the trees, but I do believe we might have gone wading...it certainly SEEMED like more than 6 inches of water.

(PS-And since I'm fessing up to how dumb I could be, we also lost our car, only to find it hours later, when just about all the other cars in the lot were gone. The battery was dead, and someone from somewhere arrived to jump-start us and escort us safely away.)

..xx...e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Bill D
Date: 28 May 04 - 12:13 PM

to be fair, some of the problems are caused by the stupid tourists/attendees, (though they sure make it worse)....

I was once taken to the new primate house at the Topeka, Kansas zoo by a friend who worked as a zookeeper (elsewhere). He pointed out the lovely new gorilla cage....where we observed a young man in his late teens or so, ignoring the "do not feed the animals" sign, and leaning over the rail to HAND the 500 lb. male gorilla Hershey's Kisses!! It was indeed fascinating to watch the grateful animal delicately peel the foil from each candy and pop it into his mouth.....It would have been even MORE 'interesting' to see the gorilla yank the kid's arm off if he had teased the gorilla a bit. It was pointed out to me that not only was the cage design dangerous to the people who won't read signs, but that it should have been designed (glass covered) to protect the gorillas and other primates from direct contact with people who carry diseases.

Now...what MOST people (who didn't have a zookeeper friend) didn't know, was that when the exhibit was originally designed, there was a locking lever on the back of the gorilla cage for access from the rear (to move animals, etc.) that was within reach of a clever gorilla who paid attention! Yep...he 'could' have have just reached thru the bars and let himself out......Fortunately, this was corrected before some incident made the papers.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 28 May 04 - 12:13 PM

The water around the island is a good deal deeper than 6 inches. It is about 8 - 12 feet deep in the center of the "river" (that's what it's called - the "Rivers of America" In the center of the river is a large track that the paddlewheeler rides on.

The bottom of the river is concrete (which is not unusual in the LA area, but here in FLorida, quite odd. I've been at Disney World when the river has been drained so that workers can clean the concrete and work in the mechanics.

It's like the famous tunnel system underneath both Disneyland and The Magic Kingdom - they're technically not tunnels. Disney cleared the land and built the tunnel structure and then built the rest of the parks on top of them. The street level is actually the roof of the buildings. The buildings "above ground" are the upper stories. (and by the way - the ones on mains street are faked in another way - They appear to be 3 stories. In actuality - the two upper stories are both shortened so they aren't as high as they appear. There is only one story above the ground floor. That second floor (1st if you're British) is offices for the Merchandising and Security divisions.

But I digress . . .

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 28 May 04 - 12:25 PM

Blackcatter....MORE!!! (She said panting heavily, and looking for a lever to pull)

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: kendall
Date: 28 May 04 - 05:28 PM

I overheard a woman asking the keeper where the monkeys were. He told her they were all in the monkey house because it was their mating season. She didn't see that he was pulling her leg, and she than asked "Would they come out for a handful of peanuts"?
He wasked. "Would you"?

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: C-flat
Date: 28 May 04 - 05:47 PM

My in-laws, worried at the expense of being included in the family holiday to Florida, were pacified when I explained that because we were taking a "self-catering" holiday it wasn't nearly so expensive, and that they shouldn't worry about how much it was costing us.
Never having flown before, they were a little taken aback to be offered an in-flight meal during the 10-hour flight. After a short huddled conversation they declined the offer...........
"No thank-you, we're self-catering"

C-flat.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 28 May 04 - 06:27 PM

I'll be flying to Calif. at the end of June - the airline will be asking me to pay for s meal if I want one.


Ellen - I'd give you more, but I'm playing hurt. Crashed on my bike about 4 hours ago and am in a lot of pain. My right hand is all but useless because of pulled muscles. So I'm pretty much writing with one hand.

No broken bones - everything works, just a lot of pain all on my right side. Shoots the hell out of the weeked, though I might not miss and work with Memorial Day and all.

I hit a speed hump (one of those wide ones) the wrong way and hit the road at about 20mph. Ruined one of my favorite shirts - thank goodness not my Mudcat one. Bent the back wheel rim to, though it's rideable. I've been meaning to complain to the county that they're a hazard to bikers, but now I guess I have proof.

This will be the first Friday night I've not lead a tour in over a year.

take ccare all. I'll be around reading and making short comments, depending on if I can move this weekend or not.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: beardedbruce
Date: 28 May 04 - 08:00 PM

Blackcatter:

Sorry to hear about the accident. I probably speak for many here in wishing you a speedy recovery.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Peace
Date: 28 May 04 - 08:04 PM

Heal. Soon. Take care, Blackcatter.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: DonD
Date: 29 May 04 - 07:17 PM

My favorite tour guide was in Bruges, Belgium. We debarked from the bus on the canal bank and he patiently explained in excruciating detail the architecture and function of each of the many beautiful Guild Houses on the opposite bank. One woman who had been a complainer and nuisance all day was afraid that she was being shortchanged; she asked peremptorally, "Tell us about that clock over there!" After a long pause, during which the rese of groaned silently, the guide replied, "That clock, Madam, is to tell the time in Bruges." We couldn't restrain ourselves from laughter and applause.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: YorkshireYankee
Date: 29 May 04 - 10:26 PM

I worked for municipal government (in the US) for quite a few years. My department's phone number was very similar to the Police Dept phone number (just swap the last two digits), so we got some interesting calls. The one I remember best was on election day; a fellow asked me if I knew what the "electrical college" was. I asked if he meant the electoral college and started to explain what it is; he said "Tell *her*!" and put his wife on the phone. What still puzzles me most about this is -- *why* would you call the *police* with this question?

YY

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 29 May 04 - 10:39 PM

"If you want to know the time, ask a P'liceman!
The proper Greenwich time, ask a P'liceman!
Every member of the force, has a watch and chain of course!
If you want to know the time, ask a P'liceman!"

So that follows perfectly YorkshireYankee - they must be a fount of all knowledge!

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 29 May 04 - 10:52 PM

When the space shuttle lands (if it ever will again) over at Kennedy Space Center, we almost always get the double sonic boom in Orlando. On average the local 911 system gets over 400 calls to report a strange noise each time it happens.

Once again, people are stupid.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 30 May 04 - 06:51 AM

Sorry to hear about your injuries, Blackcatter. I left a note for you over on the Someone has to be Last Thread, but I just wanted to commiserate again. Falling off is not fun. I've done it, and gotten only a little battered, and still feel lucky to have survived so many years. Inevitably for me, it was either the rain and a muddy hill that got me, or a stupid motorist who cut me off.

Get well soon. I vote for anything (or anyone) who can help ease the pain!..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 May 04 - 07:57 AM

Gravel is easy to fall off when in the middle of - I know (broken ankle from dropping the exhaust on it!) and people who have not ridden motorbikes wonder why I pick up squashed drink cans from the road...

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 30 May 04 - 09:08 AM

Hi all

Don't know if speed humps are common outside the U.S. - not the narrow bumps that fail to actually slow someone down, but a much wider version. In the US they're starting to look like mesas on some roads. Work pretty well at slowing down cars, but I've discovered they're tricky on a bike. And unlike most speed bumps, there's no cut through and often not side area for a bike to pass through. I'll complain to the county, but I doubt I'll get much of a response. My county isn't concerned with safe biking unless you do it for "fun" People drive themselves and their bikes ten miles to official trails for biking and walking. Unfortunately, people like me are stuck sharing the roadways without any bikelanes.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: JennyO
Date: 30 May 04 - 11:01 AM

Oh yes, I'm afraid we have speed humps all over the place in Australia, and I'd hate to be trying to ride a motor bike over them. There are getting to be more and more of them on many roads, some fairly major ones. These, plus the ubiquitous roundabouts and chicayunes, are euphemistically called "traffic calming devices".

I've always said that they make one feel anything but calm. I've also suggested a theory that it's a plot by car repairers to get more business when your suspension etc gets jarred by the damn things. Paranoid? Moi?

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: beardedbruce
Date: 30 May 04 - 02:52 PM

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you....

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 30 May 04 - 04:34 PM

I'm about to ask our village to put a speed hump in front of my house. As an experiment they did install one up the street, and it works, but then everyone seems to try to see if they can get back up to full speed as they round the corner in front of my house (before coming to a stop sign a couple of hundred yards further on--one wonders why they bother to get up to speed again?). They'll have to be sure to leave space on either side because otherwise it would become a dam and flood the yard in heavy rain.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 30 May 04 - 04:43 PM

Well I wish they would leave space on either side of the ones in my town - That would have saved me from crashing.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 30 May 04 - 04:54 PM

By the way all,

Looks like a cracked two ribs on my right side. I went to church today (co leader of the Memorial Day service). I was in such obvious pain that a friend who is a Chinese medicine doctor got a friend who is a western doctor to take an x-ray (I don't have insurance). It's one of those odd things, however - they can't do anything for me except help with pain, though I have no money for meds either.

Not too bad though - I'm mainlining Aleve and Goodys Powders.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: JennyO
Date: 30 May 04 - 11:06 PM

Ouch! Sorry to hear about that! You'll have to stay away from the threads that make you laugh for a while I suppose.

Thinking about the speed humps - when we first started getting them they did have space on the side so you could at least partly avoid them, or only catch the bit that didn't stick up so much. But now, they build them so they go all the way across to the edge, or there are little gardens with concrete walls attached to the side. Nasty!

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Sam L
Date: 30 May 04 - 11:57 PM

Does everybody else in the world call speed bumps "speed humps"--I've never heard it before. It sounds like a set up for a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 May 04 - 12:13 AM

The difference is that speed bumps are kind of like going over the curb--they're proportionately slim from front to back. They are like the things you pull up against in many parking lots. Speed "humps" really are different. Here's another one. They are usually marked with signs, and they are often times painted so not only do you see the sign you see the lines to clue you to slow down.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: YOR
Date: 31 May 04 - 01:00 AM

My city calls them "speed humps". They are about as wide as the average wheel base and flat on top. Big triangles painted on top and warning signs each way. A real jolt if you hit them too fast. They also like a lot of stop signs around here. Some side streets can can be a real drag.

I like that first link SRS.

Enjoy, Roy

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Metchosin
Date: 31 May 04 - 01:20 AM

My daughter took a photo of a sign for a "humped zebra crossing" in the UK. I wonder if there are any "virgin zebra crossings"?

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: C-flat
Date: 31 May 04 - 05:01 AM

We used to know them as "sleeping policemen" when I was young.
C-flat.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 May 04 - 08:01 AM

"Silent cops" were the hemispherical lumps right in the centre of a 4 way intersection. You were (In Oz we drive on the left) supposed to go across the intersection and turn hard right around the lump to make a right turn.

Then they changed the road rules to allow you to 'cut the corner' and do a 'diagonal' right turn. That's when they dug up all the 'silent cops'.

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: GUEST
Date: 31 May 04 - 10:44 AM

I live in very rural Nova Scotia and once had an American ask me if I thought a cab would take him to Toronto and would he been on time for supper.....What can you say ?

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 31 May 04 - 10:47 AM

I rather hope you said yes.

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 31 May 04 - 11:19 AM

Wow - a GUEST brings the thread back on topic! Thanks GUEST (not that I'm disliking the drift).

I'd guess he could be on time for supper, depending on which day, but could you actually get a cab to do that? I guess for enough money.

The thin ones are called speed bumps around here, and the bigs ones are speed humps or mounds, or something.

Funny thing, I don't feel all that stupid for crashing on one, even though I go over the three on that road about 10 times a week. Something weird happened this time, I've been gostled before, but riding a bike in a city means always being gostled. We have red brick streets throughout much of downtown Orlando and I bounce my way through them occasionally, I have to go over curves - with all the rain we can get, there's some streets that don't connect with cross streets very well and so there's a big bounce to get on the new street.

By the way - I'm healing a bit - starting to use my right hand to type. woo hoo.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 31 May 04 - 11:41 AM

So, blackcatter, you've been using your left hand to do exactly what?

By the by what kind of bike do you have? Maybe I've asked before and you've answered before, but those particular brain cells are lying on my pillow.

I had the sweetest Honda 250 Rebel. I've had bigger, and I've had smaller but I have to say that one was juuuust right.

I never had trouble with bumbs or humps, but on occasion I've been unceremoniously squeezed....

We ARE still talking about bikes, yes??..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: beardedbruce
Date: 31 May 04 - 12:59 PM

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: annamill
Date: 31 May 04 - 02:54 PM

True. My son, my ex, and myself were standing in a two hour line at the wonderful Uffuzi Museum in Florence, Italy. My son, who was getting very ansi(sp?) after waiting such a long time, inquired as to what, exactly, we would be seeing at this museum that was worth two hours of waiting.

Filled with awe and wonder, I explained we would be seeing LEONARDO, MICHEALANGELO, RAFFAELLO, DONATELLO and many other wonderful artists.

He looked at me for a quizical moment and said, very loudly,

What! We're going to see the Ninja Turtles???

Everyone in line who understood English just cracked up laughing.

I just thought perhaps he was watching way too much TV.

Annamill

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Sam L
Date: 31 May 04 - 09:34 PM

Not sure if it's still about bikes Ellenpoly, started to wonder at bigger, smaller, and just right.

The sign at the zoo here asks One hump or two? at the camels, but we didn't stay long enough to find out.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 31 May 04 - 11:05 PM

Bicycle was what I crashed on.

My scooter is currently not running well - need a new carb.

The left hand has been typing (among other things). It still is, my ring finger on my right hand doesn't work at all right now and it's too hard to keep from using it when I type.

I'm suppoesd to ride the bike tomorrow, but tdon't know I'll be able to with my hand messed up. The front brake is shot.

On the good side I just ordered primo tickets to a California Angels game at the end of June.




Gee, I really want some spaghetti . . .

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 May 04 - 11:12 PM

Blackcatter, you been taking the pain meds a little too close together? What's with the spaghetti?
:)

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 31 May 04 - 11:15 PM

I had canned soup tonight - I'd love some home made spaghetti. Haven't had that in a long time.

MIf anything, it's the pain itself - I'm only on Aleve & Goodys Powders.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: LadyJean
Date: 01 Jun 04 - 12:21 AM

I had a little chat with the maintenance man in my building. I mentioned Shakespeare, and he said, "Yeah that was in 1704." Well, we all know it wasn't. But HE CAN FIX MY KITCHEN SINK. Which is more than can be said for most of us. He can likewise fix the wiring in my apartment, paint my bathroom, fix the plaster, and understand things that are beyond my comprehension. And he comes to work sober. Intelligence comes in many forms.

This having been said, my cousin John Caldwell in Kentucky had a visitor from England who wondered if it would be possible to run up to Wyoming for the weekend. (Note to our friends overseas, it would not.)

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 01 Jun 04 - 12:34 AM

Everyone should know how to do all those things. I do. And I have 2 B.A.s - in religion and philosophy.



Most around the home repairs are fairly easy to handle - the real trick is walking into someone elses house and dealing with the issues. I do a bit of work for a friend who owns a few renatl properties. He sends me for repairs to the places. One was built in 1926, one in 1938, two in the early 50s and the last one in 1978. All are different when it comes to wiring, plumbing, structure, and more, but if you're just working on your own house, you've got a limited amount of stuff to work on.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 02 Jun 04 - 04:04 AM

Annamil, that was so funny about your son!!!

Yes, I agree we should all be able to perform household tasks, and in a perfect world I'd be able to take apart all the electrical applicances in my flat and fix them as well.

But as we know, not all of us are wired that way. I look on with awe and not a little lust at anyone who is handy around the house or garage. Learning how to fiddle with small objects until they hum is no small feat in any room of the house!

Blackcatter-A BICYCLE!!!! OMG...dare I make a comparison with another person at this juncture? Nope, better not. Can't imagine there's anything else the same about you two. HE certainly isn't a whiz with houshold chores, much less able to hold forth on religion, philosophy...let's face it, the man must have someone else tie his shoelaces.

Betcha he would have stood there nodding to your son in agreement, annamil!

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: GUEST,Larry K
Date: 02 Jun 04 - 09:35 AM

On a number of cruises I have been on they have read the stupidest questions they have received.   Here are the ones I remember.

Does the ship have its own generator.? (no- a very long extension cord)
What time is the midnight buffet?
Where is the down stairways? (probably near the up stariways)
Do the crew live on the ship? (no they fly them in every morning)
Do I have to declare the bottles of whiskey I bought if I drank them?
(in a Canadian store) Are these prices in Canadian dollars?
(to the Photographer) How will I know which picture is mine?
What altitude does the boat ride at? (how about sea level)

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: matai
Date: 02 Jun 04 - 09:58 AM

I once worked as a bus-driver. One of the routes went from down-town and passed the road to the zoo. The bus always had a sign in the window saying 'via zoo'. One time I stopped to pick up about fifteen passengers. The first one said, "Is this the bus to the zoo?" The second one said, "Is this the bus to the zoo?" The third one said " "Is this the bus to the zoo?" I stood up and called out to the rest of the queue. "This is the bus to the zoo." The next person got on. " How much to the zoo?" The next one, " How much to the zoo?" The next one "Is this the bus to the zoo?" Not long after this I gave up the job suffering from repetive strain injury. (Well that's what I told the boss) It was more like repetive brain injury, especially when I started dreaming I was driving a bus and hundreds of passengers were asking if this was the bus to the zoo. My head was no longer my own. It had been invaded by tourists. The next year I wrote a children's book. Called "My Mother drives a big yellow bus" The main character "Mother" did some macabre things to her passengers, including cooking one and eating her for dinner.

matai

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Jun 04 - 12:58 PM

Those kinds of questions happen because people don't read when there is a person there they can ask instead. I worked at Sugarlands Visitor Center in the Great Smoky National Park (Tennessee side, near Gatlinburg) in the early 1980s, the summer of the Knoxville Worlds Fair. More people than usual who couldn't find the sign for the bathroom and Coke machine by themselves.

My misfortune was that I had turned down the job when they first offered it, accepted another in Nevada, which didn't work out, then called back the Smokeys and told them I was available after all. Each person there was hired to fill a specific slot, and the first job offered would have been lots of hikes and tours and programs in the Cade's Cove area. What came up when I called back was a job that had been designed for someone with a disability who couldn't even take that job after all. He was to have spent 32 hours a week at the Visitor Center--and I can tell you now that for someone with a heart condition, that stress would have killed him. You can answer good questions all day long and feel very energized. Unfortunately, the smart people know how to find the ammenities for themselves so you generally talk to the not-so-bright visitors and it drags you down fast.

I was in this darned little kiosk (the worst of the worst as far as this job was concerned) out in front of the VC a couple of days a week. It had glass with openings on four sides, and they generally put two people in it. The theory was that people would cue up to the window where you were sitting and ask you questions. I got to where I could write upside down because that way they could see the map I was orienting them to. It was easier than turning it back and forth. They thought that was a great trick. If it was slow, and someone interesting came along, then I might take my stool outside and climb up on it to point out the little bat that had moved into the space in the shingles (it was a squeaky little thing!).

I was sitting out there one muggy afternoon by myself and several people were in front of me. I answered a question for one family, and as the next stepped up, a strident voice from the opposite side of the kiosk spoke up and exclaimed "I was next!" I looked back and her and asked her to step around the kiosk, thinking all sorts of things I'd like to have said to her, the most obvious being the one about the eyes in the back of my head.

I left that job before the season was over, and resolved never to accept a park job in one of the big parks again, and not when a big event is scheduled nearby. It becomes cruel and unusual punishment to treat your interpretive naturalists like glorified road signs. You could get chimpanzees to do it except animal rights folks would be down on you with cruelty charges.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: mike the knife
Date: 02 Jun 04 - 02:04 PM

As for folks not knowing the scale of distances:
Some co-workers in a cafe in Germany were planning their 'Getaway & see America' roadtrip & were asking me (the Yank) for suggestions. They had already purchased tickets for JFK in NYC & were planning thir trip via rental car. They had pencilled in a big loop: New Orleans & Chicago & were to fly out of JFK again. All in one week. When I explained that this was roughly like driving to Moscow for them, they reconsidered.

Also- I had a (Very Brief) stint as a tour guide. I took my group from Vienna through some of Austria, Switzerland & Germany. One of the first things I told the group was to pay attention to their coins, as they are more valuable than they initially seem & cannot be exchanged once you have left the country of issue (All pre-Euro).
One very well-to-do man approached me a good week or more into the trip & hauled out a HUGE pile of coins (D-Mark, Swiss Frank, Austrian Shilling, US Coins, some assorted coinage of dubious origin- obviously pawned off on the unsuspecting Yank). More than USD $30.00 in coins in various denominations. He was using a note every time he bought something- didn't trust the locals (who did him even worse, knowing he was using a note for a small purchase even though he jingled like a dray horse as he walked).

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: GUEST,Blackcatter (at work)
Date: 02 Jun 04 - 03:05 PM

Those kinds of questions happen because people don't read when there is a person there they can ask instead

Sometimes this is true, but clearly we are talking just plain stupid questions. At Disney, we usd to chalk it up to people being in a very different environment from there home - sort of being generally disoriented, because asking questions like "what time is the 3 o'clock Parade" has little to do with reading and more to do with thinking and comprehending.

We contatnly saw that those visitors who drove hundereds of miles to visit were less prone to stupid questions than those who flew, but whether it was because finding one's way to Florida from Illinois by car requires more thought than flying, or that flying can disorient you immediately, I don't know.

I remember flying from Orlando to Iceland in February. On leaving Orlando, the tem was 79 F Getting in to Keflavik the temp was 28 F. Certainly a shock.


I've done a fair amount of retail work and of course, my tours that I do these days are almost entirely locals, but I still get some pretty stupid questions. But in truth, much of what I get is based on ignorance, which is something that a historian specializing in Central Florida history just has to accept.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Peace
Date: 02 Jun 04 - 03:42 PM

Lady Jean:

Often, our European friends have no conception when it comes to distances in North America. An English friend had her mother coming to visit her in Edmonton. She was landing in Toronto. Straight driving, that's over 50 hours--no stops. She asked her daughter if she would pick her up. Her daughter bought her a return ticket instead.

I lived on a reserve in Alberta. The drive to Edmonton from there was along a dirt road. 600 km (360 mi) of it, and there were two towns in between the reserve and Edmonton--but, evenly spaced. My best time was nine hours in summer and six hours in winter.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: GUEST,Blackcatter
Date: 02 Jun 04 - 03:48 PM

Yep - for me it's 4 hours jsut to get out of the state of Florida and I live in the middle.

To Miami it's around 5. To Key West add almost 4 more.

I'll be flying to Long Beach California at the end of the month for a conference. Flight time is 5+ hours. It's the same distance to Iceland.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Jun 04 - 03:27 AM

A US friend (and husband) of my mother's sister (who was a WWII war bride) came out to Australia for a few days holidays. He was a 747 pilot & she worked as cabin staff.

They arrived in Brisbane, hoping to get to the Barrier Reef and Ayre's Rock (now called Ularu)... (check a scaled map!)

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Jun 04 - 06:36 PM

You'd think that in big places people would figure out to fly from point A to point B, but Texas poses rather a contradiction to that idea, even with the number of good airports. I'm sometimes surprised at the number of people from around here who do drive from one corner to the other rather than flying. Around here we tend to use a formula to figure out if it's worth driving or flying:

an hour to drive to the airport and to park
plus
an hour at the gate before the flight leaves
plus
the duration of the flight (can be up to a couple of hours within the state)
plus
the time getting out of the airport and getting a rental car
plus
driving to the place you were actually headed that is near this second airport.

If it takes less than five or six hours to drive there (at 75+ miles per hour on the open highway) then it isn't worth flying. If to fly you leave the house at 6am and aren't going to arrive at your destination until at least noon, and you (like many drivers here) when driving can average 80 on the highway, that's 480 miles you could have covered in that flying time. You might as well do it in your car and save the money for the rental car, and even if you have to drive a littler longer than it would take to fly, you have the comfort of your own car and your extra luggage you can take. It's a lot cheaper still to drive, even with gas prices rising.

Same reasoning applies for remote destinations with no airports. If you have to fly from your home area to another airport and then drive for hours to get where you're going (such as Big Bend or the Guadalupe Peak), you might as well have gone there more directly by driving straight from home.

Flying makes the most sense if your vehicle isn't up to long road trips and the rental car will be more reliable.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 03 Jun 04 - 06:46 PM

And if you have the money to fly and rent a car.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 03 Jun 04 - 06:59 PM

As some of you know I host a web site called "Blackcatter's TV Theme Song Lyrics.

you wouldn't beleive the stupid questions i get - not least of which is repeated requests for lyrics to themes that don't have any - Just got a request from someone for Sanford and Son lyrics.

Here's something directly from my site:

The most common request I've received is for the lyrics to Batman. Here they are. Don't email me if I missed a na, or if you think they're incomplete.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Batman!

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Batman!

Batman, Batman, Batman!

I put the lyrics up because I got requests for them alomst once a week.

It also seems that a fair amount of people don't understand the concept of "alphabetical order" either.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Jun 04 - 08:20 PM

Blackcatter,

It's not the words, it's the way they're sung.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Sam L
Date: 03 Jun 04 - 09:13 PM

I did not know that, Blackcatter, about your website. I wish somebody could hum for me the tune of That Girl, because nobody remembers it, and when I try I get Batman. It's one of those trivia problems, like the villain on Underdog. See below.

Bernard Shaw would make a better comparison, bike wrecks, and could hold forth on philosophy and religion.












Simon Bar Sinister

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 03 Jun 04 - 10:03 PM

Fred - you should be able to find a .wav or .mp3 around the 'Net. I'll look aorund for one.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Sam L
Date: 04 Jun 04 - 01:50 AM

Nah, thanks. It's a disadvantage of the internet that such odd questions are easy to answer. I'd rather be annoying.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 04 Jun 04 - 04:35 AM

Blackcatter! What a great idea for a website! I have one friend who happens to be blind, and we used to play "Hum the TV Theme Song" on trips we took together. She always beat me, being more focused on the music than I was. Her favorite- "My Three Sons", and mine- "Twilight Zone".

You know, one thing I've always been grateful for here in the UK is the fact that there are signs painted in front of the cross-walks telling people which way to look before crossing the road.

And that they can laugh at their own quaint phrasing on the Underground...There are now tee-shirts which read "Mind The Gap".

..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: JennyO
Date: 04 Jun 04 - 01:02 PM

I have one of those "Mind the Gap" t shirts. It gets quite a few comments from those who don't know what it is, and chuckles from those who do. It's not so much the words, as the way they say it on the Underground - Mi-ind....the gap.

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 04 Jun 04 - 01:25 PM

I've always liked the "Way out" signs instead of "exit"

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Jun 04 - 06:41 PM

"this way to the Egress"

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 04 Jun 04 - 09:35 PM

Did you know that P.T. Barnum was a Unitarian?

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Peace
Date: 04 Jun 04 - 11:04 PM

Did he drink Bailey's?

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Jun 04 - 11:32 PM

There was a famous Music Hall performer who claimed that his name was up in lights in every theatre in the world.

His name was 'Nosmo King'


I'm not making this up!

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: I dare you not to laugh at these!
From: Blackcatter
Date: 05 Jun 04 - 12:20 AM

I went to pick up a friend at the airport last week. Orlando has two sides to it's terminal, so as you drive in, you look at the long list of carriers to see which side you head to. I was looking for U.S. Air, so I was looking up for it wondering which sign it would be on and then I saw it - right below my name! That was weird until I learned that Thomas Cook Travel now has become an air carrier.

Now I know how famous my name is - especially in the U.K., but I don't think of it very often, and it really threw me for a sort while.