Really Really Important Poem

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Jun 24 - 11:28 AM

There was a young man from Kent,
Whose tool was exceedingly bent.
So to save him some trouble,
He bent it in double, And instead of 'coming' he went.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Neil D
Date: 29 Jun 24 - 09:52 AM

Here's a couple limericks my dad taught me near 60 years ago. They were probably already old at the time.

There was a young man from Boston
Who bought himself an Austin (very small motorcar)
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em

There was an old lady from Wheeling
Who had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back
And let out a crack
And pissed all over the ceiling

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Pappy Fiddle
Date: 26 Jun 24 - 10:36 PM

For sale: baby shoes. Never used.

Noah tried his luck fishin out the stern
but he didn't have much luck only had two worm

About the buffalo wings...
I was in Buffalo, of course
And a restaurant claimed to be
the original source

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,John from Kemsing
Date: 20 Jun 24 - 11:23 AM

Poem to be sung to the tune of "Oh Mr. Porter".

Oh Mr.Gupta, what shall we do.
I ordered Beef Madras, you served me Vindaloo.
I also ordered Pilau but you served me plain.
Oh Mr. Gupta I shall not eat here again.

Oh Mr. John, what can I say.
Your waiter is my sister`s boy, just shipped in from Bombay.
He was raised in Delhi, his English is no good.
Is it any wonder that he buggered up your food!.

Subject: Sex in Parks
From: GUEST,Mary Gillis
Date: 19 Jun 24 - 11:29 PM

Said a girl on one of her larks,
“Sex is better in bed than in parks.
I feel more at ease,
My ass doesn’t freeze,
And passers by don’t make remarks”.

Subject: Methusaleh
From: GUEST,Mary Gillis
Date: 19 Jun 24 - 09:05 PM

Methuselah ate what he found on his plate,
And never as people do now
Did he note the amount of the calorie count.
He ate it because it was chow.

He wasn't disturbed as at dinner he sat
Devouring a roast or a pie,
To think it rich in saturated fat
Or a couple of vitamins shy.

He cheerfully chewed each morsel of food
Unmindful of troubles or fears
Lest his health might be hurt by some fancy dessert,
And he lived over nine-hundred years.

                      - Anonymous

Subject: On the vanity of Earthly Greatness
From: GUEST,Mary Gillis
Date: 19 Jun 24 - 08:47 PM

The tusks that clashed in mighty brawls
Of mastodons are billiard balls.

The sword of Charlemagne the Just
Is ferric oxide known as rust.

The grizzly bear whose potent hug
Was feared by all is now a rug.

Great Caesar's bust sits on my shelf,
And I don't feel so well myself.

                - Arthur Guiterman

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 18 Jun 24 - 05:07 PM

A poem to contemplate canabalism?

I would just eat vegetables if I were a vegetarian.
What, I wonder, should I eat as an humanitarian?

Robin

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jun 24 - 01:50 PM

As I was lying on the green
A little book it chanced I seen
Bartlett's Soviet Princeton was the edition -
I left it lying in the same position

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jun 24 - 10:53 AM

Two wee birdies sittin' on a barrow
One was a spug, t'other was a sparrow

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Jun 24 - 09:59 AM

She offered her honor,
He honored her offer,
And all through the night,
It was on her and off her.

-some graffiti

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jun 24 - 09:28 AM

My friend is quite the omnivore,
Like many who have gone before.
And you may have heard before,
That a cow is just a herbivore.
But if you are an Aquarian,
You may be vegetarian.
Or even a pescatarian,
Or even the reverse.

Michael J Hill © Aug 2023.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Helen
Date: 16 Jun 24 - 09:24 PM

GUEST,Mary Gillis, the version I remember was:

Ooey Gooey was a worm,
A worm was Ooey Gooey.
He climbed onto a railway track
And oh, Ooey Gooey!

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Mary Gillis
Date: 16 Jun 24 - 06:28 PM

The peanut sat on the railroad track, His heart was all a-flutter. The 5:15 came rolling back, Peanut…peanut butter!

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Cork
Date: 31 Jan 12 - 02:04 PM

I remember these from reading selections from the Science Fiction Book Club in the 1950's [but not the authors]:

Little Willie made a slip
While landing in his rocket ship
See that bright actinic glare
That's our little Willie there

When they settled the nightside of Mercury
The settlers named the dome Mayfair
But they soon rechristened it June
Because what is so rare as a day there?

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Swithun Goodbody
Date: 03 Aug 10 - 03:58 AM

As an epicure meticulous
I relish roast rhinoceros,
But when I'm feeling frivolous
I start with pickled octopus.

While partaking of my polypus
I just eat each metatarsus;
The legs I find monotonous
And slightly cartilaginous.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: LadyJean
Date: 08 Jul 10 - 12:42 AM

Mary had a little lamb
A little pork, a little jam.
Some ice cream soda topped with fizz
And oh how sick our Mary is.
(Grandma taught me that one.)

Help murder polce!
My wife fell in the grease!
I laughed so hard I fell in the lard!
Help murder police!

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Bill in CT
Date: 07 Jul 10 - 10:01 AM

America's a wondrous place
And full of awesome things --
For here the fish have fingers
And the buffaloes have wings.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Cool Beans
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 07:26 PM

See the happy moron.
He doesn't give a damn.
I wish I was a moron.
My God, perhaps I am.
---Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Cuilionn
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 09:41 AM

BERTHA'S WISH

I wish my eyes were green instead of brown.
I wish my stomach went in instead of out.
I wish he would stand on the top of the tallest building and shout,
"I love you, Amanda!"

One more wish:
I wish my name was Amanda.

--Judith Viorst

[MISERICORDIA!]

Misericordia!
College of Cardinals,
Nervously rising to
Whisper its will:
"Rather than being so
Unecumenical,
Can't we just quietly
Swallow the Pill?"

--James Lipton


EGGOMANIA

Consider the egg. It's a miracle,
A thing so diverse for its size
That we hardly can help growing lyrical
When given the Pullet Surprise.

The scope of this peerless comestible
Must drive other foods to despair
Since it's not only fully digestible
But great for shampooing the hair.

It's boilable, poachable, fryable;
It scrambles, it makes a sauce thicken.
It's also the only reliable
Device for producing a chicken.

--Felicia Lamport

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 05:04 AM

The boy stood on the burning deck
His arse against the mast.
He dared not move a fucking inch
Till the dreaded bummer passed.

This bummer was a crafty sod
He threw the lad a fritter.
The lad bent down to pick it up -
WHAM !! Six inches up his shitter.

In the merry month of Liverpool
In the City of July,
The rain was snowing heavily
And the streets were desert dry.
The elephant is a bonny bird
Which flies across the sky -
It makes its nest in rhubarb trees
And yodels like a fly.

Davy Crockett
Built a rocket.
The rocket went "bang !",
His ball went clang
And he found his prick in a pocket.

When I was young I had no sense
I ripped my bollocks on a barbed-wire fence.
Off to the doctor's I did go
Balls and all I had to show.
He set me on a ten foot stool
And cut four inches off my tool.
When I came home my sister laughed
To see a broom without a shaft.

(I'll get me Barbour . . . )

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 11:41 PM

Of all the fishes in the seas,
The strangest is the bass.
It climbs into the tops of trees
And slides down on its hands and knees
To frolic in the grass.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 03:11 PM

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny
But it keeps them on the knife.




Manchester Piccadilly, and Alsatians to Crewe
For a day at the end of platform two.
Butties in duffle bag, tea in a flask.
Why do you do it? Why do you ask?

From Sir (wot no knighthood yet) Les Barker




The boy stood on the burning deck.


TWIT!

From Mike Spilligna

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Steamin' Willie
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 01:20 PM

A badge doing the rounds at the Stainsby Festival circa' 1980.

WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

Tony Capstick, bless him, used to say;

"I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high, along trees and river banks
I trod upon a bloke's bare arse
And heard a woman's voice say "Thanks."

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: frogprince
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 12:49 PM

Of all the lovely sights on earth
there's nothing to compare
to a girl who pulls on high-top boots
and then her underwear.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 Jul 09 - 08:37 AM

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jill came down with half a crown,

But not for carrying water.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: treewind
Date: 09 Jul 09 - 07:41 AM

...and now that Jack and Jill verse reminds me:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
At least that's what they said they did
But now they've got a daughter

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: treewind
Date: 09 Jul 09 - 07:26 AM

A wise old owl sat in an oak
The more he heard, the less he spoke
The less he spoke, the more he heard
Now wasn't that a wise old bird?

(learnt from my grandmother)
Anahata

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Swithun Goodbody
Date: 08 Jul 09 - 07:24 AM

There was an unusual trucker,
Whose manners were awfully pukkah,
If he picked up a lift
That he wanted to shift
He'd invite her for tea and then fuck her.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 May 09 - 04:55 AM

A young lass I know from Black Rod,
Is having a baby from God.
But 'twas not the almighty,
That crawled up her nightie,
'Twas the vicar, the dirty old sod!

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 16 May 09 - 02:45 AM

As I woke one morning,
When all sweet things are born,
A robin perched upon my sill,
To signal the coming morn,
He was so sweet and gentle,
As softly he did sing,
Sweet thought of love and happiness,
Into my heart did spring,
He sang his song so gently,
Then as he paused a lull,
I swiftly closed the window,
And crushed his fucking skull.

anon

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST
Date: 15 May 09 - 09:09 PM

My favourite Milliganism

The boy stood on the burning deck
melting in the heat
his sad brown eyes were full of tears
his shoes were full of feet


anon
The worms go in and the worms come out
they go in thin and they come out stout OOOOOOOooooooow

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: BobKnight
Date: 15 May 09 - 11:56 AM

Here's a wee poem I made up last year.

Nostalgia:

Nostalgia, oh, it's not what it was,
It's lost all it's magic somehow.
For the things I remembered were better back then,
Than the things I remember now.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: frogprince
Date: 15 May 09 - 11:51 AM

Birdy with a yellow bill
Perched upon my window sill;
I lured him in with crumbs of bread
And crushed his little f***in' head.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: paula t
Date: 15 May 09 - 10:30 AM

I like the "Ruthless Rhymes" of Harry Graham(1874 -1936). Here's a quick selection:

"There's been an accident!" they said,
"Your servant's cut in half; he's dead!"
"Indeed!" said Mr Jones, "and please
Send me the half that's got my keys."


Weep not for little Leonie,
Abducted by a French Marquis!
Though loss of honour was a wrench,
Just think how it improved her French!


That morning when my wife eloped
With James, our chauffeur, how I moped!
What tragedies in life there are!
I'm dashed if I can start the car!

Our governess - would you believe
It?-drowned herself on Christmas Eve!
This was a waste, as , anyway
It would have been a holiday.


When Mrs. Gorm (Aunt Eloise)
Was stung to death by savage bees,
Her husband (Prebendary Gorm)
Put on his veil, and took the swarm.
He's publishing a book , next May,
On "How To Make Bee-keeping Pay."

Quite hard to believe a Victorian poet could be so "sick"!

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 15 May 09 - 09:47 AM

We used to say that about our chemistry teacher50 years ago,

Mr Duffield's dead and gone,
His voice we hear no more,
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,Joe Parry-Hill
Date: 15 May 09 - 09:08 AM

There was a boy named Willie,
Now Willie is no more,
What Willie thought was H2O was really H2SO4!

Author Unknown

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,BanjoRay
Date: 09 May 09 - 07:57 AM

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the lake
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole in her ear
And said "You can't swim here, it's private"

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 08 May 09 - 09:00 AM

I found this in ' Bawdy Ballads ' by Ed Cray, it's from ' A Collection Of Epigrams ' published in 1735

If death must come, as of as breath departs,
The he must often die, who often farts,
And if to die be but to lose ones breath,
Then deaths a fart; and so a fart for death.

now that's a REALLY important poem.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: BobKnight
Date: 08 May 09 - 05:25 AM

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Her knickers all tattered and torn,
It wasn't the spider that frightened Miss Muffet,
It was little boy blue with his horn.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 08 May 09 - 02:32 AM

Old Scottish epitaph called ' On Aberdeen '

Here lies the body of Elizabeth Charlotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot,
A virgin still at seventeen,
A remarkable thing for Aberdeen.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 07 May 09 - 06:14 PM

Rough day at the office - these are just stress relievers....


Jack & Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two-and-a-half;
They didn't go after water!

If at first you don't succeed,
Suck eggs!

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
Evidently!

Little Boy Blue,
Come blow your horn.
The sheep are in the meadow,
The cows in the corn.
Where's the boy who looks after the sheep?
He's under the haystack with Bo-Peep.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 07 May 09 - 06:06 PM

the rain it raineth every day
Upon the just and unjust fella
But mostly on the just, because
The unjust stole the just's umbrella

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: BobKnight
Date: 07 May 09 - 05:14 PM

Mary had an iron cow, she milked it with a spanner.
Out came shilling tins of milk and little ones at a tanner.

Mary had a little lamb, she kept it in the cellar,
A lump of coal stuck up its hole, and paralysed its smeller.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 07 May 09 - 12:10 PM

The two immediately below could be modified to include other populations near and dear to the reader:

"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood,
Put it into a flea's navel,
And have room left over for a caraway seed
And an agent's heart."

Fred Allen

"Hollywood is a place where people spend money they don't have,
To buy things they don't need,
To impress people they don't like."

Ken Murray

Candy's dandy,
Liquor's quicker,
But sex won't rot your teeth.

Better to have flunked your Wasserman
Than never to have loved at all.

What's round and brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement...

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 May 09 - 11:37 AM

An oldie!!
There was a crooked man,
Who walked a crooked mile.
Found a crooked sixpence,
And knackered a chocolate machine!

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: BobKnight
Date: 07 May 09 - 09:33 AM

Old Scottish poem: Anon:

Love, love, love,
Love is like a dizzyness,
It winna let a puir body,
Gang aboot his business.

Roger Miller:

Roses are red, violets are purple,
Sugar is sweet, and so is maple syrup-l.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: Charley Noble
Date: 07 May 09 - 09:13 AM

There was a crooked man,
And he did very well!

As remembered from The Inner City Goose.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: TheSnail
Date: 07 May 09 - 09:12 AM

What is that on the road, Mama?
It looks like strawberry jam.
Hush, hush my dear it is Papa
Run over by a tram.


I remember the St Pauls one as

As I was walking past St Pauls,
A woman grabbed me by the coat.
She said "You look a man of pluck.
Why not come in and have a cup of tea."

There may be more.

Subject: RE: Really Really Important Poem
From: TenorTwo
Date: 07 May 09 - 08:27 AM

To be sung to the tune of Tallis's "Canon":

I wish I were a woolly worm
with hairs upon my tummy,
I'd jump into a pot of glue
and make my tummy gummy.

T2