BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Mar 09 - 12:04 AM

It is going to get resolved and things will be better, Deb. {{{{{HUGS}}}} from Colorado, too.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 22 Mar 09 - 09:53 PM

You are right john - the house is it -- we have a round table conference tomorrow to try and resolve things --- none of this is easy.......thanks for the hugs Sandra - I can use them....

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 06:32 AM

Sounds like the house may be the key Debs, it's all they have left in common now, and that last tie of the house,needs to be severed.
Need to shake the dust of the old road off your feet, before you start a new journey.
Good luck to all concerned.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 05:34 AM

I can't offer any advice as I've never been in similar situation, so have some more hugs

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 11:11 PM

quick update -- it remains a mess--they are barely speaking and the whole issue of the house is still up in the air due to the amount of work needed on it. My stress levels are through the roof -- she seems to be floating in a place by herself where no one can reach her -- and we have a friend of hers and her 2.5 year old stepson staying here for a while while my daughter floats between here and somewhere else (not her house). There are not many situations that nonplus me -- this one has.......

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 11 Feb 09 - 11:04 PM

I'll post after the Thursday conference.......thanks for all the support.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: KT
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 11:26 PM

TRUBRIT, I'm so sorry to hear you're all going through this rough patch. It's SO hard when your kid is hurting. But it's good that they've come to this place now. And though you can't know just yet what wonderful things are in store for her, there will be brighter times ahead.

best to you both ~KT

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: katlaughing
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 11:18 PM

Sounds like he should move out. Good thoughts for a fair solution coming out of the Thurs. mtg, for the highest good of all concerned.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 11:02 PM

Thank you all so much -- have said it before and will say it again -- I LOVE mudcat. Where she will live is up in the air. They own a house together with no equity at all....he is suggesting that he live in it for a year, pay the mortgage and continue fixing it up. I can't live with that as guess who will be paying the mortgage every month if it doesn't get paid....yup, me - and we don't really have it this year. she is saying she will get an apartment......

Conference on Thursday night.

I am so sad - -I felt one of my three were settled and now - here we are......

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 08:51 AM

You realise that this confirms your status as an outlaw, don't you Deborah?

Be there for her.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: jacqui.c
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 08:36 AM

So sorry Deb, but, as has been said above, she is wise to get out now if she's not happy. Verbal abuse can hurt as much, and the pain can last longer, than physical abuse and that type of bully doesn't ever really change.

Give Penny a big hug. she knows that she has the support of a wonderful family and, I'm sure, will bounce back, stronger than ever, from all of this.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: SINSULL
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 08:30 AM

And now for the really serious question - does this mean that she is moving back in with you?
LOL
Deep breath.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: maeve
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 05:39 AM

Thinking of you all, Deb. That did take courage: it also shows she trusts her own judgement and her parents' support. Her honesty and clear decision is a good indicator that she knows what a healthy marital relationship should look and feel like.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: gnu
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 05:29 AM

Wise words. I can't add anything. Just glad she found out before tying the knot.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: katlaughing
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 12:17 AM

As you say, better now than later, esp. if he has been abusive. Even when it all seems right and goes well, it may not work out; then it seems much harder. And, I've learned through experience, the best thing we can do is be there to listen. It doesn't seem adequate and we do want to fix it, but we've also raised them to be independent and make their own decisions and learn from them, so we listen and we hope and we give thanks for their well-being and things will work out sometimes in unexpected ways beyond our wildest imagination (in a good way!)

When I get worried about my kids, I try to remember this:

Right here, right now
All is well, and
We* are safe and sound.

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

luvyakat



*meaning all of us

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Rowan
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 10:54 PM

You've had a lot of practice at being a great parent; now it will all start bearing fruit, even if not in the way you were expecting.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 10:14 PM

Yes - she is brave. And better now than the day after the wedding or when there is a child in the picture.........but as Tink says I want to FIX everything for them both -- and I can't......

The money that has been spent is not that important at this stage but all this hurt and pain is......

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: SINSULL
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 09:53 PM

This is sad, Deborah but I admire her courage. Maybe he needs a wake-up call and will mend his ways. Meantime, listen, a lot.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 09:37 PM

hugs to you both

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Tinker
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 09:34 PM

Big hugs all around... It's not the parenting, it's the not being able to fix things. But she's been taught by a wise woman.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 08:13 PM

Well - I guess I am not going to be an In Law after all. Our daughter broke off her engagement today..... I feel very sad . I like the young man but she says she is not happy and he is verbally abusive ..he appears to be very angry and very sad ......she appears very confused. Did I ever say I hate being a parent??

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 06:49 PM

Well -- I am going to TRY to be unobtrusive ...... my own mil says things like -----

--but OF COURSE you are going to the Family Reunion
--OF COURSE it is alright for your husband's uncle to park his RV in your yard for a week without checking on your plans
-- OF COURSE it is all right for me to come and stay for 10 days without checking your plans first......

..those are the kind of 'of courses' I am trying to avoid.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 03:14 PM

You'll never ever say something like

"You should turn off the electricity before messing with the switch."

"You should use a fire extinguisher on that."

"You should call an ambulance."

ever, huh?

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 03:05 PM

All words of encouragement duly noted and accepted with thanks!!! WISYWIG, I think your plan was excellent and am following it already......told him as long as he is good to my daughter, forever, all will be well. Told him I don't want to be an interfering MIL and the words ....'you should....' will never pass my lips (or I'll try not to anyway).

Of course if he is not good to my daughter there may be yet another use of sawdust to add to Barry's helpful list above!!! Death by excess sawdust inhalation?????? I am happy to announce I will not be referred to as Mil or Millie, but just plain old Deborah!!!

Happy new year to all!

PS Penny has promised not to be Bridezilla but she has already established a short list of web site choices for favors, and is planning on driving to Camden, yes, that is Camden - waaaaaay north of Portland - to check out wedding cakes!!!!! Fortunately my best friend is really into all this stuff and will provide help and support -- the thought of spending days looking for appropriate dresses etc , makes me want to panic......I hate the Mall!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: wysiwyg
Date: 29 Dec 07 - 12:07 PM

In-lawing is a lot like step-parenting. It's important to let the younger person set the boundaries where THEY want them, and to remember that what you have is a special relationship, not like any other that you have, that has to be built one piece at a time even though you may feel very comfortable right off the bat.

The younger one will often be shy about asking for clarification on things that fall into "familyspeak," so misunderstandings can get out of hand if you are not paying attention to how jokes, etc., are going over. With my dau-in-law, I "surfaced" the potential for discomfort by bringing up the potential in advance, and letting her know that I was delighted my son had found his life partner and that I fully concurred with his choice.

I told her point-blank that I was NOT going to be a problem MIL and that I wanted to know if I inadvertently stepped on her toes. She took me up on that to see if I meant it, and since I did, she's very frank with me now if she gets uncomfortable, and she knows that I welcome that. We laugh off the small stuff, together.

She loves having someone in her life who sees my son the same way she does, whose brain she can pick! We spent a lovely afternoon making a new Baby Book for him because his had been fire/water damaged. She interviewed me about each picture and lovingly placed themn in a new book that I encouraged HER to pick out, scanning many of them to her personal file to keep. A lovely day-- although he wasn't sure his baby-ass pix ought to have been shared! :~) We explained that it was all right, everyone has them to live down!

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Barry Finn
Date: 29 Dec 07 - 12:31 AM

You're only 58? My you don't look any older than Penny, I thought you guys were sisters.
If she's with a carp she's been fishing around in the right stream.
Did you know that there's at least 15 very good uses for sawdust, so you'll never have to worry about them going hungry (they can mix it with hamburger the way they do at McDonald's), they'll never want for bedding (as long as they have a couple of sheets to stuff), their walls will always be warm (as long as the termites don't devour the insulation), with all the snow you'll be getting they can come over & sand (pun intended) your walkway (so you'll see them even in the worst of winter), on those long, dark, boring, Maine winter evenings they can make toys out of a sawdust & epoxy mix & call them "woodys" & start a cottage industry with them (or fill in the cracks in the hard wood floors), sawdust makes a great hand cleaner when used with soap (course it doesn't go down the drain well), it's also great for picking up or controlling oil spills (doesn't stop the oil leak though), small amounts can plug up a leaky car radiator, you can mix it with pot & smoke it & it won't get you too high but it'll give you a big headacke, if you sprinkle it on your grime caked floors it'll clean them back to bare wood if you shuffle when you walk (but it'll take about 10 weeks to do a good job & then you have to refinish them all over again). I'll spare you the rest.
So really she could've done a little better with a plumber, but not that much better & when you think about what's been said about plumbers & plumber's sons, she's probably done very well.
Now what's his side saying about real-states daughter's? I'd say he's done himself even better than she.
So all in all Deb or should we start calling you Mil or Millie, you'll make a fine In-Law, you don't have to worry about Penny making a lousy supper from her mother's recipe (wine only comes in red & white or shades of those, good thing Tom's the great cook), the new son-in-law won't know what your talking about when you do flub it, tell him it's your accent he won't know the difference & how could he not like you, you've won your way into the hearts of the Main-e-axe's & isn't he one of them? What's he got that they don't have, they've got good taste!
You'll be just fine

Barry

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 10:04 PM

Rap -- that is so funny - I don't think he would want to take advantage of me!!! But he and his dad in their carpentry business do lots of work for realtors (I put their names out). He was working with a realtor recently who asked him if he had a girlfriend......he responded -- you know the TruBrit -- SHE responded - oh my God, is she your girlfriend (he is 26 note, and I am all of 58 and very married) -- he gently pointed out it was my daughter he was dating and not me.....!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 09:47 PM

My wife loved hers. I loved her mother-in-law too. Of course, I'd known her all my life.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 09:29 PM

Someone should write a ballad about the Inlaws of Sherwood Forest...

Bold Robin lay hid in the green green wood,
A man in mortal fear,
"I fear no man on earth" said he
"But my mother-in-law is near..."

But the truth is, the idea that mothers-in-law and sons-in-law are bound to be enemies is absolute nonsense. Mine almost always used to take my side in any marital discord, and I think that's pretty typical.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: GUEST,Bee,no cookie
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 07:08 PM

I'm sure you'll make a wonderful inlaw.

My darlin', but sometimes oblivious mother adores my husband, but years ago, when I briefly had a platonic friendship with a fellow who tended a navigational site, she hummed "I'm going to marry a lighthouse keeper" incessantly the whole time he was in the house. Embarassin', if hilarious.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: SINSULL
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 12:50 PM

Congratulations, Deborah. Just treat him the way you treat us and like us he will adjust.
M

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 09:37 AM

I'm a great-uncle. Does that count?

You do know that in some cultures the groom is not permitted to be alone with his MIL -- ever! -- for fear that he will Take Advantage Of Her, don't you? You might consider a birka....

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: mouldy
Date: 28 Dec 07 - 07:51 AM

Congrats! I've been one for nearly a year now. I said to my son-in-law on the wedding day - "Strictly speaking that means that "in law" you are my son!"      ...does that mean I can tell him off like I would my own?

Andrea

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 09:56 PM

Thank you all -- I really rather like him which is a huge plus -- he is a carpenter and a very good one -- I figure that can never be outsourced to India -- and he clearly adores my daughter so I will forgive him whatever other deficiencies he might have.....

I am so nervous about making inappropriate assumptions I take every word out and look at it before I say it .......but I am truly happy for the both of them.......

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: fat B****rd
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 03:13 PM

Congratulations and much happiness to you all from Charlie S.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Amos
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 12:43 PM

Just remember, the judgement as to "who is good enough for mydaughter" is entirely up to her. MILs usually get it wrong, anyway! :D

A

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Mo the caller
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 11:58 AM

The language needs new words. We were 'outlaws'for several years before we became official 'inlaws'. And we play tunes with 'our daughter's Mother-in-law, and sister-in-law', which is quite a mouthful.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: wysiwyg
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 11:44 AM

Don't be intimidated. You may find that this relationships comes naturally to you-- I did, and I was quite surprised!

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 09:02 AM

Rather be an 'Outlaw' than an In-law.......at least all outlaws are 'WANTED'.....Congratulations to all concerned.
Best wishes, Mike.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: maeve
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 09:00 AM

You'll do fine. Enjoy the growing of the new family!

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: jacqui.c
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 07:19 AM

Congratulations to Penny, Deb.

I am sure that you will be a great Mother-in-Law - you have a crazy sense of humour and enough common sense to know when not to get involved. If you like the lad that's a good start anyway.

Even if you don't like your child's choice you have to accept that they have to live with that choice and it ain't up to you to try and change that.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: Linda Kelly
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 06:56 AM

I became an official (step) in law on 23 December when my wonderful stepson married his even more wonderful fiance-and in the true modern way -the kids came too!! -it was a complete fairytale-old manorhouse beautiful bride-me with dreadful flu-(why does that always happen?) Anyway it was absolutely breathtakingly lovely!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 05:56 AM

Two cannibals got married, and one said to the other "I bet your mother in law is going to be tough", the other one replied "Just push her to one side, and eat the vegetables"
No we didn't have crackers this Christmas!

G

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: gnu
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 03:32 AM

Congratulations to you and both of your families.

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: KT
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 03:01 AM

So very wise, your mother is, George. And a wonderful son you are, to remember to thank her. It's tricky terrain, as new relationships are established and old ones redefined.

Trubrit-it sounds as though your in-laws were great teachers for you. You'll not make those same mistakes with the awareness you're bringing to it.

KT

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 12:47 AM

Congratulations! A whole new set of relationships for you to forge, including the one with your son-in-law. Just a little word of warning: remember that all these new people don't know you well yet, so make no assumptions. Leave them room to thrive and have different viewpoints that may not match yours. Err on the side of love, and err on the side of caution. As my mother used to say every time I thanked her for kindness to Nessie, she would retort: "Mother-in-law is a heavy and tainted name, I have to go out of my way to show kindness because it may not be obvious to others what I feel".

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 12:33 AM

Thank you KT -- I believe I will get used to it!!!! I m so terrified of doing what my inlaws did - which is to make assumptions -- 'well of course you have to do this, or that, or the other '-- drove me screaming up the wall.....I don't want to be that type of inlaw...

Subject: RE: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: KT
Date: 27 Dec 07 - 12:23 AM

Congratulations, TRUBRIT, on your new status and relationship!

Subject: BS: I'm going to be an inlaw..........
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 11:52 PM

EEEEK - after years of being someone's (junior) inlaw -- I am to be a (dreaded) in law -- my daughter (eldest) announced that she is engaged come Xmas eve (in fairness - her boyfriend asked our permission.)--it feels cool (ish) but different........