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BS: How to know if your ready to have kids
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Naemanson Date: 05 Nov 00 - 10:34 AM I just ran across this in my computer and had to include it in this thread. I nearly died laughing when I first saw it. ********** As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny, (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was *not* mustard! No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'" ************** Wes, be careful when eating and holding a kid! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: alison Date: 05 Nov 00 - 05:13 AM Costumes look brilliant 'Spaw..... I'm not going to show those photos to mine.. or they'll want one...... I spent the day, househunting in a car while "Pikachu, Charzon, & Bulbasaur" played in the back seat all I have to say is "Bulba....Bulba... BULBASAURRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!" slainte alison |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: ddw Date: 03 Nov 00 - 01:04 AM I thought you'd know you were ready for a kid when a whole rabbit wasn't enough for one meal..... david |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Little Hawk Date: 03 Nov 00 - 01:04 AM It's not the kids I mind. Nor do I mind the nannies. It's those damned, smelly, violent, sex-crazed Billies that I can't stand! Filthy creatures. - LH (who used to take care of goats at Rolling Thunder's Camp back in '77 to '80.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 02 Nov 00 - 07:05 PM Great Halloween subway prank: One large wad of slightly chewed gum. Must be very stretchy. Wait for doors to close. Place wad with two blobs, one on each door with a "hang" in between. This works best at the most crowded station. As the doors open, the gum stretches, and the pushiest "me-first" types get it all over them. Works absolutely best if you exit via another door before someone points the finger at you. Then you go to the nearest fast food place with a phone and fill the change return with mustard and ketchup. I never did any of this, only heard about it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Morticia Date: 02 Nov 00 - 06:45 PM Great costumes, Karen must be super clever with a needle, me, I can't even thread the damn thing.I envy your trick or treating tradition, it's kind of caught on here but only in a very cursory, slap a bit of face paint on, and cough up the sweeties or we kill your budgie fashion. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Mrs.Duck Date: 02 Nov 00 - 06:10 PM Spaw I didn't read on to the third bit but now we have seen the pics and think the kids looked great. By the way the streetwalker with the pumpkin wasn't me or should that read pimpkin?? |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 02 Nov 00 - 03:10 PM You are never too old for Trick or Treating. I hit up the local Western Union office for red lollipops. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Naemanson Date: 02 Nov 00 - 03:05 PM Great looking costumes on great looking kids. I can see all, and I mean all, of the credit goes to Karen! No problem with Halloween candy on our end. My kid stayed home because she's getting too old for trick or treating. She gave out candy instead. Funny thing, we only had a few kids show up and now we have all kinds of left over candy. Maybe I should have stayed home to supervise the operation. Burp! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 02 Nov 00 - 02:34 PM They are adorable! And you and Karen ain't bad either. You did put in a rear view photo. Reminds me of the Halloween I wrapped Lawrence in hospital gauze from head to toe, dabbed him with blood and gore and sent him on his way as the Mummy. He made it to one neighbor's home where a single picture was taken. Then the gauze got itchy. Jackson Heights was decorated with hundreds of feet of gory gauze. Stay out of the kids' candy, Spaw. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: catspaw49 Date: 02 Nov 00 - 01:45 PM Hmmm......I just tried it Mrs. Duck and it worked.....What did you get? We passed a big pumpkin outfit the other night accompanied by a girl dressed as a "streetwalker." Odd combination to say the very least!!! Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Mrs.Duck Date: 02 Nov 00 - 01:21 PM No luck with that Spaw and I really wanted to see you all in your halloween getups. Little Duckling was a pumpkin! Guess who forgot to buy film for the cemera! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: catspaw49 Date: 02 Nov 00 - 01:07 PM Well, since I'm just practicing, lets try that one more time. This one should go straight to the page anytime......Always helps to read the directions. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: catspaw49 Date: 01 Nov 00 - 11:56 PM Kinda' whupped up there......Just enter catspaw for the user name and the password should be automatic....Sorry. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: catspaw49 Date: 01 Nov 00 - 11:10 PM Well, here ya' go! Two more Trick or Treaters!!! CLICK HERE to see Charmelion (Michael) on the left and Bulbasaur (Tristan) on the right accompanied by their Pokemon Master, Professor Fatass (Spaw,center) on the steps of the house and ready to go after the gelt. I should have included the backshot of the tail on Mike's costume and the bulb on Tris, but you get the idea. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 01 Nov 00 - 10:23 PM I know I'm ready to be a grandparent. Four different Trick or Treaters announced to their parents that this was the BEST house for T or T. Fill them with candy and when they are all sticky and whiney, send them home.tris and Michael are right. Ididn't see a single home made costume. Their Mom loves them. Correction: one little boy showed up in a suit which he must have gotten for a wedding. Mom was going to get her money's worth. He was a "Man in Black". Pretty clever. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Matt_R Date: 31 Oct 00 - 10:44 PM I just heard the news today It seems my life is going to change I close my eyes, begin to pray As tears of joy stream down my face With arms wide open Under the sunlight Welcome to this place I'll show you everything With arms wide open Now everything has changed I'll show you love I'll show you everything With arms wide open I'm not sure if I'm ready To be the man I have to be But I'll take a breath, take her by my side We stand in awe, we've created life If I had just one wish, only one demand I hope he's not like me...I hope he understands That he can take this life, and hold it by the hand And he can greet the world with arms wide open... With arms wide open Under the sunlight Welcome to this place I'll show you everything With arms wide open Now everything has changed I'll show you love I'll show you everything With arms wide open
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: catspaw49 Date: 31 Oct 00 - 10:14 PM You know you're ready when you watch your wife spend two weekends and $80. making two Pokemon costumes and then you go out for an hour on one night and get 5 bucks worth of candy with them. Of course you also get the excitement and the frantic pestering (Dad is it time yet?) and the joy of hearing your son tell several strangers how his Mom "made my costume because she's so good at it and she really loves me.".....three times! A few years from now there will be other joys and these will be just memories. Ya' know, I'm starting to envy you a bit Wes!!!! Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Geoff the Duck Date: 31 Oct 00 - 08:10 PM By the way Wesley, our "ducklings" are heading up to 15 months and into everything (also under, behind, on top of and falling off and eating everything else). You are in for some rare times! By th way - twins are likely to arrive early, so don't wait until December before making preparations. Get Ready GtD
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Geoff the Duck Date: 31 Oct 00 - 08:00 PM Whenever we want to go somewhere, we have to wait hours for the kids to get ready. Why on earth should we ever want to be ready for kids? Quack GtD. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Little Hawk Date: 31 Oct 00 - 07:43 PM You've done it now, Hesperis. You just deprived Spaw of one of the greatest openings he ever had...for a joke, I mean... This might just call for another spaghetti duel. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Dave (the ancient mariner) Date: 31 Oct 00 - 07:29 PM Anyone remember the ad for Paul Masson Wines?
"We will sell no wine before its time" They had a guy filling bottles and shouting "TIME" Life usually dictates when you are ready for children. Your wife or girlfriend gets pregnant and you are "Ready" Yours, Aye. Dave |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: hesperis Date: 31 Oct 00 - 07:28 PM (BTW, that last post was supposed to be a joke. Joke, ok?) |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: hesperis Date: 31 Oct 00 - 07:26 PM or a nail big enough to fit the... |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Little Hawk Date: 31 Oct 00 - 07:21 PM I'll have you know it's not LEGAL to nail someone's ass to the wall in Ontario! Besides, there ain't a wall small enough around here for that! :-) - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Ely Date: 30 Oct 00 - 09:21 PM I think my parents solved the "painting" problem with fingerpaint. I do get reminded of the time when I was very "new" that Mom wrote in her journal and called me a "little imp". Must have been a tough week, but we all laugh about it now.
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: mousethief Date: 30 Oct 00 - 03:10 PM LH, don't you EVER make a grammar mistake again, or we'll nail your ass to the wall. :-) In love.
Alex |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Amergin Date: 30 Oct 00 - 03:05 PM Ok, smartass....very funny....;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Little Hawk Date: 30 Oct 00 - 02:30 PM I think we should now launch a thread called..."How to know if you're ready to use proper grammar" I'm ready if you're ready. If so, we're ready. If they are, they're ready. Got it? |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Amergin Date: 30 Oct 00 - 11:26 AM The local corner store here used to have our number on a bulletin board....whenever my sister (who's about 10.5 years younger than me) was two, she climb out her window and go on over there to eat their penny candy....whenever we the phone rang and the voice on the other end said, "Hi I am so and so at Zatterberg's Grocery", we would suddenly know where she was.... |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Mrs.Duck Date: 30 Oct 00 - 10:18 AM Damn I didn't realise you were supposed to be ready for them! I'm still wondering how they got here in the first place but I'm telling you when I find out I'm going to stop doing it and devote the time to love making instead!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 30 Oct 00 - 09:10 AM MMM: Okay, you're ready to be a grandparent. This reminds me: Why do grandparents and grandkids get along so bloomin' well? scroll down Because they share a common enemy! Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Gervase Date: 30 Oct 00 - 05:55 AM There's one serious defect in this kids malarkey. The little sods don't come with instruction books! The first one we got seemed to work OK, but there was nothing - but nothing - included in all the rather messy packaging as to where the batteries go and where the "off" switch was located. Mind you, he's 21 now, and seems to be capable of running himself (almost), so I suppose we must have done something half-right. Seriously, however, with both of ours we solemnly vowed that we were going to bring them up just so, with a conscious decision not to make the mistakes our own parents had made (ah, the arrogance of youth!). As a result we made a shed-load of different mistakes. But - and this is what amazed me - kids are tougher than Teflon. Whatever mistakes you make and whatever crap you come up with, provided you let them know you love 'em and that they're valued, they're pretty resilient. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: CarolC Date: 30 Oct 00 - 03:26 AM Every time I see the title of this thread out of the corner of my eye, I think it says "How to know if you already have kids". (Duh!) My experience was that I knew I was ready when I knew I was ready. Kind of like what chanteyranger is talking about. Being pregnant for almost ten months, and then being in labor for three days certainly helped me to feel even more ready. It all worked out quite well. He's a great kid and he's also a new member of the Mudcat. I found out when I recieved a personal message from him last night, quite by surprise. Carol |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: The Shambles Date: 30 Oct 00 - 02:02 AM There used to be a TV sries here called UXB It stands for Unexploded Bomb.........Maybe the same thing anyway, I suppose? |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Naemanson Date: 29 Oct 00 - 09:13 PM This is the umpteenth time I've seen the term "X2B". What does it mean? It appears to be used in conjunction with a significant other and if I read it the way it is "spelled" then it would indicate that the SO will soon be divorced. As in my "ex-wife to be". This doesn't seem right. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Mrrzy Date: 29 Oct 00 - 06:38 PM It would be nice if ready really did as ready must... although I have to admit that lately, even my X2B is showing signs of taking responsibility, quelle idée... |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: GUEST,Amos Date: 29 Oct 00 - 05:13 PM For one thing "having" children is a bit misleading of a phrase -- it isn't like "having" dinner out or a trip to Europe. It is not without extensive Having in its own right, though; but you don't select it the way you choose aplanned career or a house on the market. As to readiness, peak in the bassinet. if someone's in there, you're ready. You may not know it but like birth itself, there isn't any other way through it. And ready is as ready must do. Regards, Amos |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Mrrzy Date: 29 Oct 00 - 01:52 PM I am reminded of a cartoon I saw a while back, businesswoman coming home, door opens, house is trashed, she drops her briefcase and says Oh, &$@#^&*, I forgot I had kids! Wesley, make sure you tell us as soon as the twins are born! Birthweights and details and all! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: AllisonA(Animaterra) Date: 29 Oct 00 - 07:48 AM Who are these children? And why are they calling me "mom"? |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: mmm Date: 29 Oct 00 - 01:47 AM am i ready to be a parent? God i hope so , i've got 9 kids so i am ready as i ever will be. the ? now is am i ready to be a grandma? big old YES its pay back time lol.seriously i lve my kids and grandchildren and wouldn't change things for anything |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Little Hawk Date: 29 Oct 00 - 12:07 AM The assertion that "you're only young once" might just be a tiny little misconception.... I've known people who were "old" by 25, and others that seem to just go on forever. Amazing too, how some get middle-aged within a few years of getting married, while others stay young and vital. Must be a state of mind, I think. Which means...it's optional. Use your options wisely. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Peter Kasin Date: 28 Oct 00 - 10:41 PM Although there is, I'm sure, alot of on the job training that goes on with having kids, I think there is a time when you feel ready, and it can happen at various stages of life. I'm feeling ready now, as the thought of getting married and having kids feels like it would be an incredible enrichment of my life, whereas in years past it seemed an idea for the far beyond, and too burdensome. A co-worker and his wife had their first child when this man was 52. Fatherhood has given him, by his own admission, a new lease on life. So, for some people there is a feeling of readiness, of having a sea change in the way they feel about the prospects of having kids. -chanteyranger |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Matt_R Date: 28 Oct 00 - 10:30 PM Ah, another sister-translator! Then this may sound familiar. We'd go up to out mother and I'd say "We're thirsty." |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Troll Date: 28 Oct 00 - 10:14 PM Matt_R I,too, translated for my younger sister. and when she still wasn't talking at age two they took her to the Doctor. The answer? She didn't NEED to talk in the conventional sense; I knew what she wanted and answered for her.They had to separate us to get her started. Now you can't shup her up!**BG** I never slept the night through until I was over two years old. Mom says she was afraid to come into the bedroom. She was afraid I was dead. I still don't sleep much. My son was the same way. Good luck, Wes and try not to lose your sense of humor when your kid pees all over your sunday suit as you change a diaper. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: The Shambles Date: 28 Oct 00 - 08:27 PM Link to an earlier thread called They Were Only Children. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Matt_R Date: 28 Oct 00 - 06:37 PM From what my parents tell me, I was a really good little kid! I always cleaned up my messes (even emptied the potty myself), acted as interpreter for my sister who hadn't leared to speak yet...but I had the habit of waking up in the early morning...bursting with energy and ready to play! HA HA but sometime my Dad said he was so tired he wanted to chuck me out the window! Weee! --Matt (though there was that time I got my hand stuck in an 8-track player as a baby...heh heh, messing with music even at that age ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Liz the Squeak Date: 28 Oct 00 - 06:27 PM I'v been a parent for 4 years now and I'm still waiting for the mothering instinct to kick in.... I have a daughter who will insist that no one goes into the toilet with her, but will give a running commmentary ~ I'm doing the poo now mummy ~ over the door...... The same child who was left asleep with a packet of chocolate buttons whilst I checked my Emails (for this, read played with the Mudcat), and called me down to see her artwork - she prefered body painting and you could not tell where the chocolate stopped and the poop began... how I picked her up I really don't know, but she sure as hell landed in the bath pretty quick!! LTS And you all thought she was a lovely child.......
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: The Shambles Date: 28 Oct 00 - 05:17 PM The following song is almost entirely (and intentionally) composed of proverbs, platitudes and clichés. Parents have, pretty much, to rely on these only, as the accumulated wisdom of humankind, in any formal way, does not appear to be directed to the business of producing, rearing and educating our children. Education is for passing on knowledge on far more important subjects You do need a licence to drive a car or keep certain types animals but practically anyone has the right to produce children. Ready or not? . Old Wives Tales
You've gone and spoilt it for yourself
Well where there's a will, well, there's a way
When wise words fail, try old wives tales
Well, look at how you've grown
If you repeat it one more time
When wise words fail, try old wives tales
*North and south, is cockney rhyming slang. for mouth. Roger Gall 1997 |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Little Hawk Date: 28 Oct 00 - 02:54 PM Wow, SINSULL, that's scary alright! I heard those alligator stories too when I was a kid, but I absolutely LOVE alligators, so I was always hoping to see one. I discovered, by the way, that it makes a whole lot more sense on the whole to pee while sitting down, even if you ARE male. It's neater, more relaxing, and less likely to result in spills, if you know what I mean. The only possible argument I can see against it (aside from the usual macho BS) is if a guy is simply too lazy to pull down his own pants!!! In which case, what use could he possibly be? Ha! Ha! This does not apply to urinals, of course. In the case of urinals, or while out in the woods among the trees, we can all be REAL MEN, and pee standing up! (sarcasm...) |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 28 Oct 00 - 02:40 PM Then there's potty training. My older brothers thought it hilarious to tell me about the alligators in the sewers. According to them, little girls are pulled down the toilet almost daily because they have to sit and can't see the 'gator coming. Boys stand and can see and run. My mother was convinced I needed psychiatric help because I insisted on standing like the boys. To this day, I look before I sit. And was completely traumatized by an episode of the X-Files in which the fluke man hid in an outhouse. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Little Hawk Date: 28 Oct 00 - 02:37 PM Michael K. - Hey, pretty "flippant" stuff here, but funny! By the time I was 17 years old, it was already absolutely clear to me that I did not want to have children at all. Accordingly, I have not had any. This necessitated some careful attention to birth control, naturally, when I eventually worked out the mysteries of how to get into intimate relationships with women...(that took a while). It was also clear to me that I didn't want to marry...in the legal sense...although I was certainly looking for a full-time partner in a one-on-one relationship. I've never had any problems with being faithful...it comes naturally. I have not regretted the decision not to have children, and not to marry in the conventional sense. I honestly didn't have much faith in the institution of marriage, or in the usual traditional notions, given what I observed around me while growing up. Besides...I knew there'd be a few million other people around me who WOULD have kids and do the conventional thing, so the world was hardly going to become depopulated due to my particular lifestyle. It's been an interesting experience, and hasn't prevented me from having deep and meaningful romantic relationships ...although it's sometimes been hard to find a kindred spirit. But then, everyone finds that hard, don't they? Could be I'll change my mind sometime. We'll see. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Morticia Date: 28 Oct 00 - 02:28 PM No-one's mentioned the flushing down the toilet stage......Fiona was most put out when a brand new pair of daddy's shoes wouldn't dissapear........plumber wasn't much amused either as I recall. Or the time my youngest fed milk and cookies to the video recorder ( apparently it looked hungry)and there was the time they redecorated a newly painted room in a house we were due to leave.......with vaseline.Did you know you can't paint over vaseline? Or lemme see, there was the time she lost one shoe of a brand new pair five minutes after we left the shop,which had cost £40 I could barely afford or when she left her precious Katie ( a stuffed octopus) in a hotel room but waited until we got to the airport with ten minutes to our flight to remember.....then there was ....., oh well, I see you get the idea. And I wouldn't alter one single precious second of any of it.Enjoy, Wes, you don't really have a choice. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Naemanson Date: 28 Oct 00 - 01:55 PM I love this thread. I've been busy and not able to follow many of the threads so I missed most of this as it happened. The initial post, with the "test", was something I had seen and laughed at before. Almost all of the subsequent posts touched some part of my experience. Wes, you and your wife have keep your sense of humor no matter how tired, frustrated, and worn down you get. Our first daughter cried for her first six months of life. Our second came into this world with a quiet smile and stayed that way for the next 16 years (and counting). I was not ready. I was not a great father at first. I learned but at a cost. I was similar to John Gray who upended a bowl of porridge on one child's head. I never struck my children but I am capable of a convincing yell and I often made use of "the voice". It was during the final efforts of marriage counselling that I learned that my children were afraid of me. That devastated me for I had begun to learn how to do the job. I have done my best to be a good father. I have worked to overcome my temper and my poor reactions. I fear what I may have done to my sweet children. But I know they love me and that helps me in those moments when I fear the result of my poor judgement. And, to be fair to myself, I wasn't all bad. My children are wonderful young adults now and I trust them to make good decisions. They trust me, after a lot of their own work, to be understanding and fair. Wes, it's too late for you to decide whether you are ready or not. You are in for a hell of a ride. Keep a tight rein on your negative emotions and let the positive flow free and you'll do fine. If I remember from earlier posts you are in your 40's. I trust you have thought through the implications of this grand adventure and are ready to fly. Enjoy the trip. It's one of the greatest there is. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: mg Date: 28 Oct 00 - 12:27 PM I would recommend being in a rock-solid relationship with a person you love enough to marry and respect enough to work with should the love fail. I would also recommend being in good health and having enough money for housing in a safe neighborhood, decent food and health insurance. If at all possible, I would recommend that parents together work no more than 1.5 jobs, split any which way, and that you be mature enough to deal with any special conditions the child might have. mg |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Frankham Date: 28 Oct 00 - 10:10 AM I think it's the hardest job in the world. It's easier to go bungi jumping without a cord. There is no real training that can prepare you for this occupation. It's got to be the most important of all the occupations. I wasn't able to do it really well. I muddled along at it and sometimes did something right. Not often, though. You might be ready for it if you're willing to admit, like me, that you don't know much about it and have a helluva lot to learn about doing it. And be prepared to get it wrong a lot of the time. Parenthood has brought me joy, sadness, happiness and pain. I cry for my kids sometimes when I think that they had me as a parent. And sometimes I think I might have got something right. Frank |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Mooh Date: 28 Oct 00 - 07:45 AM When my eldest was four-ish, whenever the silliness of others was getting on her nerves (she's always been very laid-back), she'd exclaim, "You've got clowns in your nose!". Sometimes we've got clowns in our noses here in Mudcatville, and I like it. Peace, I think I'll go eat some crayons now. Mooh. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Escamillo Date: 28 Oct 00 - 02:20 AM Be prepared to react calmly and intelligently to CRAASSHHHHes and POOOOUUUUMMMs and SPLAAAASSHHHHHHes. For example, a child´s craneous can produce incredibly loud noises bumping on the bottom of a table, with no harm for the little beast, and a heart attack for parents. Beware of the strange syndrome called "sigh spasm" or similar. My second son Javier suffered (or more appropiately, made us suffer) this problem: when he was crying really angry, stopped breathing completely, got an intimidating purple color, falling unconscious, to recover breath and calm immediately, despite our desperate efforts to make him react. The second time we were prepared, with proper advice from the doctors (who explained that this was "normal" and had no consequences).. but the first time was unforgettable. Un abrazo - Andrés
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: catspaw49 Date: 28 Oct 00 - 12:47 AM LOL Sins.......I always thought that whisker bit was BS until it happened to one of our cats in a similar way. Tristan gets up REAL early and I worry less these days, ut in his younger days, you had better have been up with him. Found Mom's scissors two years ago and gave himself a kind of reverse Mohawk. That was the same morning that Freddy Cougar lost his whiskers and a lot of other hair as well. WES....You have some real fun stuff to look forward to my friend. BTW, make sure your microwave has a lock and use it! Age four, Tris, who is a creature of habit, had learned to push the button to help Mom heat her morning coffee. I woke up to a funny smell and found he had nuked the phone. Luckily the only loss was the microwave and the phone.......could have been the house and its occupants. Funny now, but scary then....Have you ever seen a nuked phone? It was only about a month old too! I took it back to the store where we bought it and told the guy it didn't stand up under environmental conditions. Sadly, he was humor impaired. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 28 Oct 00 - 12:11 AM Spaw, That is hilarious. My son never went through that stage but he had a friend over for a sleepover who painted his name in urine on the bathroom wall. I was not amused. My nephew accidentally trimmed the cat's whiskers. Poor animal bumped into walls for a month until they grew back. He claimed the first snip was an accident. The rest was an attempt to even them out so his Mom wouldn't notice. He (at 21) keeps threatening to shave one of mine. I'm not sure that he is kidding. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: GUEST,John Gray/Australia Date: 27 Oct 00 - 11:39 PM Margo, what can I say? I was being light-hearted and personal. You make me realise just how fortunate I am. JG / FME. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Margo Date: 27 Oct 00 - 10:58 PM LOL Spaw!!!!! Yes!! We went through the taping-the-diaper-shut-with-packing-tape phase!! Better than having her suddenly show up with a brown fanny (never knew I could move so fast). I agree with kimmers: if you're not sure about having kids, don't. (I think some of these stories will keep you from poo-pooing the advice, pun intended!) Margo |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Oct 00 - 10:42 PM So we're ready to talk "Poop Art" then? Michael has always had a certain gift for art in everything he has done and now at almost 8, he draws Pokemon figures as well as you find them in the cartoons. The most commonly asked question frompeople is, "Did he trace that?" No. And that talent showed as he passed through the poop smearing period. Almost all kids do it Wes....and you get TWO!!!! Write me if you need cleaning tips. In Michael's case it was impossible NOT to notice that the poop drawings on the walls, windows, woodwork, etc. of their room showed some real talent. Abstract perhaps, but with a certain symmetry and "flow." There was about a month there though that I thought I was going to have to kill him. He would get out of his crib and begin the night's "painting" and its worth noting that he seemed very careful not to get any on him except for a hand. We would check in several times every night, but he picked his work times well. The thing got to the point that Karen and I were worn out cleaning the gawddamn room on a virtual daily basis. What solution would work??? Yeah, that's it......duct tape! So I would duct tape his diaper on and have to cut it off with scissors. The first night we tried this, both of us woke with a feeling of terror as this screaming came from the kids' room. WE both jumped up and ran in to find Michael throwing an absolute tantrum. I guess we had locked up the art supplies and he was pissed over it. BTW, we did try to provide some drawing stuff in his room, but during that brief period, only poop would do. I guess its like other artists........sometimes you work in watercolor, sometimes in oil. Michael was in his "Shit" period. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: kimmers Date: 27 Oct 00 - 10:41 PM I get to attend a delivery once a month or so when they think they want a pediatrician there. World's best birth control, let me tell you... In all seriousness, please, if you're not sure you want kids, don't have 'em. And please... don't try to talk friends/relatives into the idea if they've chosen to be childless. I get so much of that from people. Now that I'm thiry-four, I'm starting to have tactless people ask me if my husband and I have an infertility problem!! I love kids, they're my life. But I love my career that involves caring for them, and that will always come first. Not a fair thing to do to a kid, in my opinion. I'll leave the parenting to folks like you guys!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Sorcha Date: 27 Oct 00 - 10:11 PM LOL! Oh dear--all so true, and some so funny. No, you're never READY, but hopefully you aren't just 14 either, because all of the above is true in some way. I will never forget:
When Luke was about 2 (now almost 22)I woke up one morning EARLY EARLY--4:30-5AM because of a funny noise. Staggered out to the kitchen to find the Son very carefully cracking and seperating eggs. Whites in one bowl, yolks in another. He had done about a dozen without getting any yolk in the white...........what did I do? "We" made scrambled eggs, much earlier than I usually even get out of bed.
When he was 5? Heard the "noise" about 2 AM--he was "doing laundry". He had put a whole box of detergent in the washer, and the suds were EVERYWHERE!!!!!! Oh dear god...........the good times do make up for the bad. (mostly) |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Dave (the ancient mariner) Date: 27 Oct 00 - 09:47 PM If ye paint the deckhead yellow or purple you wont notice the stains as much. Yours, Aye. Dave |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 27 Oct 00 - 09:42 PM And turn on a light. My neighbor, the fireman, tripped over a night table and required 8 stitches. In the panic, he left the bottle heating on the stove and had a smoky, if not dangerous, situation when he arrived back home. Dave - any advice on how to get the scrambled eggs off the ceiling? No - I don't know...they are just there along with a purple grape soda stain. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Dave (the ancient mariner) Date: 27 Oct 00 - 09:33 PM Just remember, at 0200hrs when changing diapers... Babies are smooth, Teddy bears are furry. Yours, Aye. Dave |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 27 Oct 00 - 09:33 PM Many years ago, when Theodore, my extremely bright oldest boy, was four, he was going to nursery school. They made scrambled eggs at nursery school. That I think was Friday. On Saturday morning my Beautiful Wife and I were wakened by Teddy: "Daddy, I made breakfast." "What did you make, cereal?" "I made scrambled eggs." "Oh." We got up right away. He had done it. Now you understand that he hadn't done anything like setting the table, or pouring juice (whadja expect, at four years old?), and the eggs were WAY undercooked. The kitchen, while a mess, was not a disaster zone. We set the table, and dutifully ate his runny, runny scrambled eggs, pointing out that they needed to be cooked more. Little did we know. On Sunday morning: "Daddy, I made breakfast." "You did? What?" "Scrambled eggs." Again, no table setting. This time the eggs were WAY overcooked. We set the table and dutifully ate the egg-leather, pointing out that this time he'd overcooked them. On Monday morning we were not surprised to find that Teddy had again scrambled eggs (no table setting, and somewhat of a mess). They were perfect (although of course cold by the time we got to eat them)! And whenever thereafter he scrambled eggs they were JUST right. Like I say, a bright kid. At four! He was some kid. I won't go into the down side of that intelligence and independence. Too long and too painful. Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: MMario Date: 27 Oct 00 - 09:30 PM All I can say is I don't think anyone is ever ready - not for them to arrive; and (sometimes even more so) not for them to leave. And the "tests" are to some extent true...but they are worth every second! On the other hand, I am never going to let my nephew forget I put up with his shoving his freezing cold feet into the small of my back just as I would be getting to sleep. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 27 Oct 00 - 09:18 PM No one mentioned the "Stray Pet" part of the program. Kids, especially boys, can not pass up a stray animal. I have housed cats, dogs, vicious magician's doves, baby squirrels, turtles, assorted "tossed from the nest" birds, fish, dying pigeons, etc. All require a suitable funeral which in a co-op means sneaking aroung the gardens at 2AM to inter remains. And the child's interest rarely lasts longer than it takes Mom to say "OK. He can stay". Lots of walking on leashes, attending to litter boxes, kamikazi bird dives and drops,... And Spaw neglected to follow through on his story. First comes the proud "I put the clothes or dishes or tools away" which is soon followed by "I didn't think it mattered if I left the (fill in the blank) on the (fill in the blank). My son remembered my birthday - makes up for a thousand lost hammers and at least one or two doves. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Mooh Date: 27 Oct 00 - 09:05 PM Spaw, right on! Got children an' I still feel like a child alot of the time. Keep my perspective that way, maybe. I thought I was pretty wise when I was a kid, and in many ways I was, so I expect my kids are pretty wise too and maybe they can teach this kid a thing or two. Mooh. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Margo Date: 27 Oct 00 - 08:59 PM Gee, never lost my cookie before... John Gray - My kids are "in charge" because they have a disability, one for which there is no test in utero... autism. There is actually a technical term for it - "parents held hostage". If you come to my house and want to use the toilet, you have to be instructed as to the code for the lock box outside the bathroom that has the key to the door which is always locked. The difference between the "no trouble" kid and the peanut butter smearers isn't always a matter of parenting, but genetic. (I'm a genetic mess) Margo :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Troll Date: 27 Oct 00 - 08:36 PM Yer NEVER ready to have kids. Ya just have 'em and do the best ya can. My rule on food is, ya don't have to eat it, but ya gots to try it. This was the rule from the start and my kids -29 & 17- are not at all picky about food. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: GUEST,John Gray/Australia Date: 27 Oct 00 - 08:16 PM Michael K. All your examples are of children who are in charge and not the parent. An example from my life in rearing three wonderful boys; Eldest boy learns to cook porridge in the mike at age 8. Every Saturday morn. cooks porridge for all three. After several weeks youngest, age 4, jacks up; Not porridge again, I'm sick of porridge. Eldest; well, that's all I can cook. Dad steps up to youngest, who's looking at his bowl of porridge. Are you going to eat that porridge ? Youngest - no. Dad upturns porridge bowl onto the head of the dissenter and grinds porridge into the hair. Child not hurt but shocked. Lesson; if someone goes to the time & effort to prepare you a meal, you damn well eat it. Result ; our boys ate, just about, everything put in front of them. Yeah, probably through a little fear in the early days but just the other day we were talking about the "porridge incident" and the boys, now 18-22, said; Gee dad, we're glad you were tough on us with food in the early days, now we can go anywhere and eat any thing, some of our friends are so fussy it's ridiculous. Well, I felt warm all over, part of the battle plan actually worked. The social engineers among you are probably horrified at my methods, yeah, there are more, but none that involved spanking or physical violence, and today I'd probably get 10 years in the bluestone college for the same action. Today we spend a lot of time in each other's company and we sing, and we laugh, and we thoroughly enjoy life. JG / FME |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: GUEST Date: 27 Oct 00 - 08:10 PM Bingo, 'Spaw. by the way, the two teat method is called "tandem nursing". I have one picture of myself doing just that - one laying on me and the other standing, bending over. Belly up to the milk bar, boys!! Moorgo. No, that's Margo |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Oct 00 - 07:30 PM Lot of good points there Jim. After 30 foster kids and our own, just the other day I think I felt for the first time that Karen and I had finally made it as parents. I had taken two laundry baskeys of clean clothes up to the boys' room and something else came up and I came back downstairs to handle the latest crisis. I figured, "What the hell....I'll put them away when I go up to put them to bed." Awhile later I was getting supper on the table and Tristan, our 8 year old MRDD son, came downstairs with two empty baskets and smile as big as you've ever seen. He proudly said, "I puh closway Daahee," which is Tristanese for 'I put the clothes away Daddy.' Karen and I both immediately smiled, thanked him, gave him big hugs, and told him how proud we were. You know what? We were!!! Sure the second thought was "Oh gawd, I can hardly wait to see this mess," it was truly the second thought. First in our minds was what a great step that was for him and how proud he was of helping. Yeah, there drawers are one hell of a mess........and I could care less. It gets washed again pretty soon anyway. When you quit sweating the petty crap and the little details and your focus is on happy kids........you're a parent. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Jim Dixon Date: 27 Oct 00 - 06:58 PM I now see the benefits of having kids when you're young. I should have had mine back when all my furniture came from Goodwill. Your house is prepared to have kids when: 1. All your upholstery is vinyl. 2. All your floors are linoleum. 3. All your walls are washable ceramic tile. 4. All your dishes and drinking glasses are plastic. 5. Your floor has a drain in the middle so you can hose stuff down. 6. All your clothes are cheap and washable. 7. Everything that is either dangerous or breakable is at least 4 feet off the floor. 8. There is nothing to climb on. 9. Your pets all have enough teeth or claws to defend themselves. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Oct 00 - 05:39 PM If you're into necrophilia....not much. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Wesley S Date: 27 Oct 00 - 05:39 PM So many punchlines - so little time ! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: mousethief Date: 27 Oct 00 - 05:36 PM How much blood does a woman need to operate a penis?
Alex |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Wesley S Date: 27 Oct 00 - 05:34 PM Well - I can't send them back now Mooh - I wish you had told me this earlier !! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: GUEST,MoohTooh Date: 27 Oct 00 - 05:30 PM When you've got enough blood to operate a penis and a brain at the same time, you're ready to have kids. If you can operate only one at a time, forget it. Btw, this counts for women too. Mooh (not at home). |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Sorcha Date: 27 Oct 00 - 05:24 PM ROFLMAO!!!!! O Migawd!!! This is too, too funny. The List was good enough, then spaw's typo!! Oh gawd, hurts to laf this hard............... |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Tinker Date: 27 Oct 00 - 05:20 PM Four kids later not sure if we were ever ready, and they keep changing their game book on a daily basis, but the house remains standing and organized chaos rules. If each day has some giggles, some hugs and some lullabyes we've probably done okay. Tinker |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: mousethief Date: 27 Oct 00 - 05:16 PM I think it's the Playtex Cross-Your-Heart Bra that crosses over the breasts, Wes. Lifts and separates, too. We're just enjoying a nice typo.
Alex |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Wesley S Date: 27 Oct 00 - 05:14 PM Are we crossing over to the "Breast" thread ?? |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Wesley S Date: 27 Oct 00 - 05:11 PM Who says the teats are going to be mine????? I think I'll have to get used to being a third class citizen and pack mule. But there are worse ways to go through life. I can't believe that a lady recently told me she felt "sorry" for us that we were having twins. I got pissed off at first but quickly realized that she was the one that someone needed to feel sorry for. I'm twice blessed. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Oct 00 - 05:08 PM LOL......I dunno' whether that's Freudian or not. I have a feeling it WON'T be Wesley who's in for the teats though...............I gave up pruufreeding....I still miss stuff, and sometimes it works out!!!!! Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:59 PM He's in for a "teat...two actually"???? Only you could have made that particular typo Spaw! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: mousethief Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:57 PM LOL! ROFLMAO! Spaw, you really MUST start proofreading! Seriously! Wesley, you are in for a teat...two actually! Oh, my!
Alex |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:54 PM Very cute post thread. Many truisms in the humor. If you have a great sense of humor, it helps with kids. Wesley, you are in for a teat...two actually! In our case, whatever we have around here, it ain't "Ozzie and Harriet." The house is in various levels of "Disaster Area" at all times, but the kids are happy nad so are Karen and I.......What else do you need? Come to think of it, we could use some more money, but, what the hell.................. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Ebbie Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:49 PM When the midwife says the babies have dropped into position. Eb |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: mousethief Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:48 PM Very shrewd observation, Anna! That's it exactly!
Alex |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: annamill Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:43 PM In his book Christine, Stephen King tells it all. We don't grow into adulthood. We are dragged into it by our children, kicking and screaming all the way. That's it folks! Love, annamill |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:42 PM Wesley, Relax and enjoy these quiet times so that you are prepared to relax and enjoy the chaos to come. You are so lucky! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Wesley S Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:33 PM Our twins are due to make their appearance in about ten weeks - I'll go home and try all of these ideas out over the weekend. Thanks - Wesley Should I try these out twice?? |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Shamrock Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:30 PM Insanity Warning Insanity is hereditary We get it from our kids ! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:28 PM SO KENDALL - WHAT HAVE YOU DECIDED? |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: kendall Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:23 PM Excellent advice from all three of you...very funny too! |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: SINSULL Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:10 PM No one is ever "ready" to have kids. They don't even require a license. There is no age requirement. Parenting is a job you grow into with "on the job" training. And, like it or not, you learn by your mistakes and your parent's and their parent's. On the other hand, if you think you're not ready, don't. And don't do it for any reason other than you want to have a child. Children can't fix a bad marriage, live the life you didn't, or replace a warm fuzzy puppy. |
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Subject: RE: BS: How to know if your ready to have kids From: Wavestar Date: 27 Oct 00 - 04:02 PM For young women (and I hazard, men, but less so) - Watch a live birth. Think, do you really want to do that anytime soon? Worked for me. Best lecture on birth control my parents ever gave. -J |
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Subject: How to know if your ready to have kids From: MK Date: 27 Oct 00 - 03:56 PM HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS: MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect. PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while. PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers. |