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BS: Politically correct jokes
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Subject: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Date: 27 Nov 01 - 05:52 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Intrigued by the current flood of invective against Jay Leno for his unfortunate remarks about the French teaching the Taliban surrender techniques, I would be interested to read any examples of jokes which are really funny and politically correct at the same time. I fully anticipate this thread being one of the shortest in Mudcat history. Murray |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Mr Red Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:26 PM Political correctness is it not black humour? Oh s**t is that non PC? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Bill D Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:32 PM only 'jokes' which play on silliness of children or on gentle embarassments...etc..seem to be totally safe, and they are seldom really funny. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Bill D Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:35 PM but...try this one: The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left at home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Gareth Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:40 PM Actually going the rounds in the "Royal Oak" tonight was the following :- "I see the fighting in Afghanistan is over" "Why" "The French are commiting troops" Gareth Sorry - tribal memories are long this side of the Pond. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:41 PM Sorry Bill, but that joke is totally unacceptable, this child obviously requires counselling urgently, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she hasn't suffered serious abuse at the hands of all the male members of the family, and I would be much obliged if you would cease making fun of children with serious psychological problems.......... Murray
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Bill D Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:47 PM ok, Murray...I do see your point! Poor kid...and I was holding him up to ridicule!... so...how about this?: A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded. "Oh! Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone," he responded. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: DonMeixner Date: 27 Nov 01 - 06:56 PM Murray aren't you assuming the child was a girl? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Date: 27 Nov 01 - 07:10 PM Jeez, Bill, how sexist can you get ? Pandering to the role stereotyping of males only being interested in beer, and women spending all their time in vapid chat on the telephone ? Sorry, I want POLITICALLY CORRECT !! (But keep them coming anyway, ROTFL here ....And yes, I did rather assume the child was female, didn't I ?) Murray |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Amos Date: 27 Nov 01 - 07:20 PM A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: GUEST,HippieChick Date: 27 Nov 01 - 07:30 PM This is a cut and paste from www.folkmusic.com which is John McCutcheon's website. He's really on target with this one. Talkin' Tinkie Winkie Words & music by John McCutcheon Work version (2/21/99) There's no melody—it's a talking blues... Let me tell you all a story Though I'm sure you've heard If you've paid the least attention Then you've gotten the word About the latest in America's Favorite mix: I'm talking Politics, religion and sex Yeah boy, brought many a dinner party, talk show, and federal government to a grinding halt It seems that there's a preacher that's Spending his days Channel surfing searching for Signs of gays And he's just uncovered something That the rest of us missed Aimed at two year olds And the guy is pissed We're talking televised brain washing directly from Gay Control Central...plus it's British! Those fairies! Teletubbies, Tinkie Winkie, You know the deal He's purple, he's gay And I say, "Get real!" The color's pink, Jerry And he's further news: If he's gay his purse would Surely match his shoes And you've got the wrong message It seems to me The question is Why should two year olds be watching TV? But I know you've got a lot of Witch-hunting to do So I thought I'd help you out 'Cause you missed a few: like: —Fred & Barney: remember the song? "We'll have a gay old time"? —Donald Duck: "never wore any pants...spent a little too much time w/all those nephews, don't you think?" —Batman & Robin: wealthy single guy and younger man living in that big mansion, leading a double life, lots of tights and capes. Come on... —Uncle Sam: he's your uncle, he wants you. —and, of course, the Purple One himself: Barney "I love you, you love me"... Gay. See, what I can't figure Are his days so free That he can waste 'em watching All that kid's TV We'd all be better off If you'd just begin Preaching love and compassion Instead of trolling for sin |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: katlaughing Date: 27 Nov 01 - 07:31 PM Oh, yeah, and the car just had to be female and be "opened up" didn't it! LOL!! These are old ones, youse guys, gotta come up with some new and improved!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Date: 27 Nov 01 - 07:40 PM You are right kat, I should have caught that one ! Cars do tend to be thought of as female don't they? I suppose it's the way they purr gently when they're being restrained .............. Murray (TIC) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: ddw Date: 27 Nov 01 - 07:43 PM I always thought political correctness was the biggest joke around.... david |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Nov 01 - 08:26 PM Thanks there Hippie Chick....Can't believe I hadn't heard that one! Love talkin' blues....... Let's see, a totally non-offensive joke, reality based so only the truth is apparent which cannot be disputed or taken for slander............ Completely average human being with female genitalia lifts the kilt of a Scotsman and says, "Your cock and balls are microscopic! Are all Scotsmen like that?" "Yes," replies the Scotsman, "We're quite thrifty." Not exceedingly funny, but certainly meets the politically correct definition! Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Jim Dixon Date: 27 Nov 01 - 08:40 PM How did people measure hailstones before golf balls were invented? How did people discuss matters of rudeness and bad taste before the term "politically correct" was invented? And what was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Little Hawk Date: 27 Nov 01 - 08:44 PM They compared them to the headman's testicles. They used to say: "It's an outrage!" "It's unconscionable!" and things like that... Olive oil. - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Nov 01 - 08:46 PM In answer to your questions Jim........ How did people measure hailstones before golf balls were invented? They used my balls instead and hail was a lot bigger back then too! How did people discuss matters of rudeness and bad taste before the term "politically correct" was invented? Politcally Incorrect was once known as "Non-Spawistic Phrasing." And what was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread? I think it was perforated toilet paper. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Sorcha Date: 27 Nov 01 - 09:20 PM Aahhhaaaaa, hahhhahha, ROFLMAO here!! There are no P.C. jokes that are funny; that's an oxymoron. I've never heard that particular McCutcheon before, but I can hear him doing it............ The Greatest Thing before sliced bread was Canned Ham, wasn't it? Ball sized hail stones.....eeeehhhaaa. The Scots had to invent the "golf ball sized" to stop the equating of hail to balls........eeeehhh.....I have to stop............Blue Ribbon Thread!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Dicho (Frank Staplin) Date: 27 Nov 01 - 10:08 PM Jerry F. missed a few. How about My Old Kentucky Home, Good Night? "'Tis summer, the darkies are gay." The DT has politically and morally correct 1st and 3rd verses but missed making a correction to the 2nd. My! My! These references to gays must be expunged! (Under the changed title Old Kentucky Home) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull Date: 27 Nov 01 - 10:19 PM What do yew get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A=A wooly jumper. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Mary in Kentucky Date: 27 Nov 01 - 10:20 PM I'm not really in this thread... RE: My Old Kentucky Home started out, The Darkies are gay. Then it became Everyone's gay. Now it's, The children are gay. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Nov 01 - 10:23 PM Why not "Most of those in attendance are in a generally happy mood?" Or does that present a big problem in scanning? Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Date: 27 Nov 01 - 10:24 PM Spaw, I laughed out loud at that Scotsman "joke". And you are right, it isn't remotely funny , but it still made me laugh. Maybe I am suffering from stress after all. Murray |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Date: 27 Nov 01 - 10:27 PM Yep.....Sure sign of stress Murray! Take two hailstones and call me in the morning. Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Sorcha Date: 27 Nov 01 - 10:29 PM Hell with that. Just eat Mountain Oysters and call it a day. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Dicho (Frank Staplin) Date: 27 Nov 01 - 10:47 PM Sauer Kraut! Do-Wop! Spic and Span! Cold Turkey! Dutch treat! We have only begun to cleanse. Clean language, clean mind! (Don't mention the b--y). |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Sorcha Date: 27 Nov 01 - 11:31 PM Spam....................fried. baked. boiled. breaded. casseroled. with eggs. nuff said, eh? ooowwwwccchhh! Doan DO that!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Little Hawk Date: 27 Nov 01 - 11:36 PM Okay... A (physically descriptive term ommitted) person of no observable gender or nationality walks into a bar. He, she or it says to the bartender, "Hey didja hear the one about the (omitted)(excised)(not acceptable word) who (verb removed) his/her/its (word removed)?" "Well it may have looked like he/she/it was (action deleted), but he/she/it was actually (censored)-ing a parrot!" "Oh," says the bartender. "So does my brother!" Pretty damn funny, eh? And it doesn't offend anyone at all...does it? - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: GUEST Date: 27 Nov 01 - 11:57 PM Hi Little Hawk, I happen to be that bartender's brother, and let me tell you that I find that very offensive. I never did that, and anyway the big lug promised not to tell anyone! Surely it is OK to tell jokes about animals? They can't write to their TDs/ MPs/ Congressperson to complain. So this kid went into a petshop and asked to buy a pet wasp. "Son, we don't sell wasps." was the reply. "Sure you do," said the kid, " you had two in the window yesterday!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: GUEST Date: 27 Nov 01 - 11:59 PM Guest? Guest???? The above post WRT wasps in window belongs to Crazy Eddie who seems to have lost his cookie! Eddie |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Dicho (Frank Staplin) Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:04 AM I'm nobody's pet WASP! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: katlaughing Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:09 AM Totally offensive to men everywhere, Spaw. Those are no "cock and balls!" Please! Refer to them using the anatomically correct terms: take yer pick er....I mean choose one. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Rick Fielding Date: 28 Nov 01 - 12:48 AM OK Murray, just because it's you, I'm gonna create a hilarious Politically correct joke for you. Yes, as we speak..I mean right now... Um, um,.... One dark rainy night a travelling sales person arrives at a farmhouse. The farmperson opens the door. "Well good evenin' there young worker, I'd be proud to put you up for the night but I'm afraid you'll have to share a bed with my progeny". No problem, says the sales person...if you don't mind two units of the same species sharin' a bed. At that point the Farmperson's progeny arrives and the salesperson can't take their eyes off two of the most amazing non-gender specific attributes. The progeny says "Parent,....... Ahh hell, it IS too hard, forget it Murray. Rick |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Sorcha Date: 28 Nov 01 - 01:08 AM It was a sheep, right Rick?..........VUUN............(Velcro Users Unite Now)......bad, Sorch, bad. Real bad. Go to bed now. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Gary T Date: 28 Nov 01 - 08:32 AM I don't believe this joke would be personally offensive to any person or group, although I could see where some particularly sensitive types might find it a tasteless thing to joke about. Still, I think it's funny, so screw 'em. A statistician read in his copy of "Statistics Monthly" that the odds of being on a commercial airplane that had a bomb on board were one in thousand, and the odds of being on a plane that had two bombs on board were one in ten million. So every time he flew, he carried a bomb. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Wolfgang Date: 28 Nov 01 - 10:04 AM Gary, the way you tell that old joke gives it a completely new twist which made me smile. In the trad. version the odds for being in a plane with two bombs is one instead of ten million which means that the two incidents (one bomb carried, another bomb carried) are completely independent. The laugh in the trad. version is on the stupid statistician who wrongly thinks that he can influence something by carrying out an act that is completely independent of that something. In the new (ten million) version the two incidents (one bomb carried, another bomb carried) are interdependent in a very curious way, namely that the probability of a second bomb being on board under the condition that a first one is on board is much smaller than can be expected by chance alone. Kind of bombs repelling each other. With this scenario, carrying a bomb that is under my control actually lowers the rsik that another bomb is on board and therefore is a completely rational action. In this version, the laugh is on those who wrongly consider the statistician's action irrational. This is the version I would expect to read in a 'Statistics Monthly' for it creatively changes the target of the joke from statisticians to non-statisticians by just changing three letters. That's their crooked way of thinking. Wolfgang |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: LR Mole Date: 28 Nov 01 - 10:33 AM A person/thing goes somewhere where he/she/it receives an impression that certain bits of information are accurate. However, this is wrong. Everyone smiles politely. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Guessed Date: 28 Nov 01 - 10:49 AM Spaw Sliced bread tastes better than TP, just. the best thing since SB - has to be the Mudcat Cafe Spam spam spam spam spam, spam spam............... no spam at the MC though, spam is OFF. How many martians does it take to........ - none - there are no martians is that PC or what? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: mousethief Date: 28 Nov 01 - 11:29 AM Two persons of an unmistakeable but undisclosed social, ethnic, or gender group walk into a bar. The third person, being of a different social, ethnic, or gender group, ducks. -- A person of no particular gender, ethnic, or social group is riding a motorcycle. The shirt on this person's back reads, and I quote, "If you can read this, then the person who was riding behind me, whose value as a companion I am ambivalent about, has fallen off somewhere along the way." -- A person who speaks a second language with an accent which gives away that person's primary language, says something in the second language which is ambiguous due to the aforementioned accent, and can be taken sexually while not meant that way by the person uttering it, in such a place or at such a time that a sexual utterance is socially embarassing. -- This is too hard. Why do kilts fasten with safety pins? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away. Alex |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Date: 28 Nov 01 - 11:41 AM Wolfie, You're the only guy I know who can get a chuckle out of a joke through analyzing the damn thing! LOL.......Geez man, does anything ever just crack you up for no reason....or some stupid reason that you don't want to admit? Well, in any case, you cracked me up!!! I luvya' man!!! Spaw |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Jim Dixon Date: 28 Nov 01 - 05:09 PM LittleHawk, Spaw, and others: I enjoy your comments, but you kind of missed my point when I asked "How did people discuss matters of rudeness and bad taste before the term 'politically correct' was invented?" What I really want to know is, "How did people accused of rudeness and bad taste defend themselves before…?" I eagerly await your response. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: GUEST Date: 28 Nov 01 - 05:17 PM wolfgang, I think you may have dropped a "million" along the way (product of 2 independent events). always check your math |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Clinton Hammond Date: 28 Nov 01 - 05:19 PM I'm with Dave... PC is bad joke enough... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Jack the Sailor Date: 28 Nov 01 - 06:09 PM Politically and historicaly correct version of Mr. Leno's joke. The French have answered Mr. Bush's request and agree to send troops to Afghanistan. It is generally thought that these troops will be unsuitable and only fit to teach the Taleban to surrender because sixty years ago the French and British armies were overrun by the German Blitzkreig and while remnants of the British Army barely escaped accross the channel at Dunkirk. It should be noted that although it was apparant and inevitable that at some point the USA would be drawn into this conflict, that country chose to bravely wait at home for Germany to increase its hold on the resources of Europe, making the fight all the more difficult.
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Date: 28 Nov 01 - 06:15 PM Mmm some valiant attempts here, and I am amazed the thread has lasted this long. Rick, you were doing sooo well ........perseverance, that's what it is all about. Alex, I have to correct your fallacious statement that kilts fasten with safety pins. The kilt doesn't fasten at all, making it faster still for the kind of special operations which we are sometimes called upon to perform while roaming the heather. The kilt-pin (which can sometimes resemble a large safety pin ), is inserted in the outer layer of the kilt, and does not fasten the garment in the way one might expect. Wolfgang, I can see now why none of the new wave of comedians list "Statistics Monthly" among their big influences .......... But as a result of your post I am going to suggest to President Bush that airlines issue a bomb to each and every passenger as they board. That should render the probability of an unauthorized bomb to somewhere near zero. And I agree that Gary T's version was funny. And, I think it probably is a politically correct joke, recent events notwithstanding. Murray |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: mousethief Date: 28 Nov 01 - 06:20 PM Boy, take all the fun out of a lame joke why don'tcha. Alex |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Jack the Sailor Date: 28 Nov 01 - 06:26 PM Murray MacLeod I think there are thousands of politically correct jokes out there. If we were honestly tying to find such jokes it would be easy to find hundreds and even easier to clean up some existing jokes. It takes a little more effort but I think it is worth it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: Murray MacLeod Date: 28 Nov 01 - 06:51 PM Jack, I thought it was funnier the way Jay Leno told it. And Alex, your joke was funny. Strange thing is that in Scotland we always tell these sheep-shagging jokes about the Welsh ...... Murray |
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Subject: RE: BS: Politically correct jokes From: catspaw49 Date: 28 Nov 01 - 07:01 PM Okay Murray.....In my lifelong quest to sup at the dogdish of all knowledge, what the hell good is a pin that fastens to the outer layer of a kilt? Not knowing is killing me and if you'll enlighten me I'll see if I can get an extra special discount on a Gordon Bok Fan with the Cookie Duster HEPA filter and the Downeast Crapper Whapper and the switch that allows it to turn on toward morning. JIM DIXON.....I have no idea Jim, and as someone of bad taste, I should know!!! More to learn, more to learn............ Spaw |