BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 03:29 PM

At a meeting of the U.N. General Assembly in New York, there was a break for lunch. The American ambassador & his wife are heading for the street when they see the Russian ambassador, Rudolph Velinski, leaving, carrying an umbrella.
   The American says to his wife, "We'd better get our umbrellas."

"Oh, why?", she asks.

"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."


(I heard this many years ago, 'almost' like the above, but versions of this online are widely varied, but all telegraph the punchline and contrive unlikely situations.) I like jokes to flow sensibly..until..

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Oct 22 - 06:11 PM

On death row, two condemned men chat through the bars.

Bill: "So, what's your fate?"
Joe: "I'm to be shot tomorrow at 9 A.M.."
Bill: "Whoa, that's terrible!"
Joe: "Oh, not so bad, really."
Bill: "Why?"
Joe: "I was originally going to be shot at 7 A.M.. I have a smart lawyer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Oct 22 - 06:09 AM

An optimist sees the glass as half full, a pessimist sees it as half empty while the engineer wonders why the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Oct 22 - 09:44 AM

Whilst the optimist and the pessimist argued over whether the glass was half full or half empty. I drank what was left in the glass... I am 'The opportunist'

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 10:59 AM

If Boris gets back into power (God help us), he will soon be telling all that the greatest comeback since Lazarus used to be Jesus.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 11:33 AM

When Stephen Hawking was drunk, there was no difference. I guess the voice modulator doesn't have a 'slur' setting!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 11:37 AM

I hear about a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 21 Oct 22 - 01:11 PM

"If Boris gets back into power (God help us), he will soon be telling all that the greatest comeback since Lazarus used to be Jesus."

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?????????

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Oct 22 - 11:25 AM

Have you ever noticed;

They turn the volume down during hearing aid commercials?

US conservatives won't accept elections they lose and
UK conservatives won't accept elections they win?

A very seductive a wife ask her husband "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?" "No", said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?""No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" she said "Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?" "No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:"Good go look in the garage."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Oct 22 - 12:06 PM

A guy's wife comes home with a new dress, and he asks her:
"Where did you get enough money? We are barely getting by!"

"Well, since YOU aren't making much, while you've been working the night shift the last few months, I've been 'turning tricks' during the day! You've been too tired to pay attention to me, anyway!"

"What? How much have you made?"

"So far, $351.00!"

"51? who gave you $1?"

"They all did!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Oct 22 - 12:32 PM

Grandad always sent money to his grandchildren at Christmas, very generous he was too. One year, just after Christmas, he complained to his wife that none of his grandchildren ever said thank you, or sent a thank you card, or even rang him to thank him.

Roll on the next Christmas. He sent the money as ever, but this time there was an amazing transformation - in the days following, all the grandchildren came to visit and thank him and a good time was had by all.

"Well that was amazing!" exclaimed Grandma afterwards, "I wonder what caused the big change!"

"Oh, it was simple," he replied, "This year I didn't sign the cheques..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Oct 22 - 03:18 PM

Seen pinned up in the corridor of a Physics Department:

CRITICAL MASS: a requiem for a scientist who spilled his coffee on the floor once too often.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Oct 22 - 10:59 PM

Two hadrons are walking down the street
Baryon starts crying all of a sudden. His friend Meson turns and asks, “what’s wrong Baryon?”

Baryon sobs, ”Everybody says I’m odd.”

Meson tries his best to cheer him up. “Keep your head up buddy, we all have our quarks!”


Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.
They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."


Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?
Because he was a mass murderer


Did you hear about the Large Hadron Collider going down?
They are gonna have to bring in a quantum mechanic.


Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider?
Because it's hard to dicern

When LHC discovered the Higgs Boson, it literally became deus ex machina.


Your mamma’s so fat
She uses the large hadron collider as a hula hoop??


What's a particle physicist's favourite cocktail?
A Large Hadron Colada.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 03:57 AM

This isn't a'joke' as such, but a true tale:
I remember a Mrs Malaprop friend who sat on our bingo table each week. In between each game we'd all have a bit of a natter.
She once blurted out, "My husband is putting up a dildo rail in our hall!" We all shrieked with laughter, and could hardly concentrate when the next game began. (She meant dado rail)
Another time, she told us that her husband had made a pond in their back garden, and she was going to get some gonorrhoeia to make it look nice. (She meant Gunnera, a plant with large leaves that grows near water)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 04:23 AM

One nun to another, "I see we have a case of syphilis in the convent!"

"Good!" replied the other, "I was getting bored with the Chardonnay..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 04:30 AM

The LibDems are a bunch of unprincipled, Tory-lite opportunists. The one good thing about the 2015 election was seeing them get their arses kicked by the voters.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 04:34 AM

Oh God, that was meant for the Brexit thread!!


(Mind you, the LibDems can be a bit of a joke...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Oct 22 - 08:20 AM

Here's one from my grand nephew:

Did you hear about the Italian chef who was hospitalized in critical condition?
He pasta way.
The doctor said I cannoli do so much.
Now he's a pizza history.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Joe_F
Date: 31 Oct 22 - 10:34 PM

Once there was a man who played the cello, but his cello only had one string, and he always played the same note on it. One day his wife ventured to ask "Dear, have you ever noticed that most cellos have four strings and people move their fingers around on them and play different notes?"

"Sure. They're looking for the place. I've found it."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 15 Nov 22 - 05:58 AM

From Youtube
Putin wanted to know if Zelensky was still alive...

Zelensky himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of a coded message.

















370HSSV-0773H















Putin was baffled, so he emailed it to Lukashenko, and his aides had no idea either, so they sent it to the KGB. No one could solve it at the KGB, so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no clue as to the meaning. The FBI finally asked the Australian Military for help. Within a few seconds the they called back with this message:



“Tell that Wanker Putin he’s holding the message upside down." .

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Geoff Wallis
Date: 16 Nov 22 - 06:24 AM

Feeling generally run down, a young woman visited her GP for a check-up.After conducting this, the now grim-faced doctor informed her that she had only six months to live. "Only six months," she said, "is there anything I can do?"

"Yes," replied the doctor. "Find an accountant and marry him."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No," he replied, "but it will seem much longer."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 22 - 08:43 PM

Two Betta fighting fish were in a gigantic tank, One asked the other if he knew how this tank worked. "Not only do I not know how to drive it, I don't know how to fire the cannon".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Neil D
Date: 20 Nov 22 - 10:44 PM

I got fired from my job at the calendar factory for taking a couple days off.

Bill: Do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy.
Bob: I don't know and I don't care.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 07:36 AM

Its a matter of caring, if you don't care it doesn't matter.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 08:36 AM

I'm trying (stop laughing at the back there) to decide whether "mind over matter" is a balancing act or a vulgar fraction.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 01:37 PM

Just bought a new racehorse..... going to call him 'Mayo' because he neighs!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 02:04 PM

Mind/Matter = EC2

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Nov 22 - 05:24 PM

"Is May ready?"

"May who?"

"May-O-naise."

"No, mayonnaise is dressing!"

(from my father, who had a dozen like this)

"Can I hold your palm, Olive?"
"Not on your life, boy!"

"Where you been, lima?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 04:02 PM

What kind of nut can spread Covid?
Cashews!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 05:40 PM

What kind of nut makes a man's hairy face smell of urine?

Pistachios.



What kind of nut makes your bollocks all wet?

Peenuts.


See? We can all make up stupidly unfunny "jokes", can't we? Not exactly a talent, is it, Donuel?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 06:55 PM

Why do Narcissists quit something just when they get good at it?
They can never get over themselves.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 07:21 PM

It'll be a long time before you quit making "jokes" then, won't it?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Nov 22 - 07:24 PM

Two Brits die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold and damp where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Brit's room, along the way being begged by all sorts of condemned people to stop the heating. He enters the room to see the Grits having a cook out. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Brits' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout in unison, "Hell froze over! That means we won the World Cup!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 03:54 AM

Nearly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 04:17 AM

"May-O-naise."

related to May Ann Hayes by any chance?

& her frienda Pippa Ann Salt, & Carla Breeze (married to Brock Alley).

then they seize her salad.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 04:27 AM

Not quite on the food theme, but I once taught in a school that had pupils called Teresa Green and Terri Bull. Some parents, eh? Mind you, the latter was very aptly named...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Nov 22 - 09:11 AM

An Englishman, an Englishman and an Englishman walked into a bar.


"Bloody 'ell," muttered the barman, "This is no joke..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:27 PM

Hickory Dickory Dock
Two mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one....
The other ducked.

A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Piece Of Asphalt Under His Arm And Says.."A beer please, and one for the road."

Two Conspiracy Theorists Walk Into A Bar. One says, "You can't tell me that was just a coincidence, man!"

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:31 PM

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, "Let's get a beer." The chihuahua walker complains, "That would be great, but we can't take our dogs in there." The first responds, "Watch me."
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here." "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies. "Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break."
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:36 PM

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player.

Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!” The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 02:37 PM

Yes.. I do find almost anything thru Google.. ;>)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 04:31 PM

Me too, but at least I try to be discriminating!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 07:56 PM

They say narcissists are incapable of self-reflection.
But vampires are worse.

What’s a narcissist's favorite keyboard shortcut?
Ctrl U.

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to hold the lightbulb and the rest of the world to revolve around them.

I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.

I’m a paranoid narcissist.
I’m afraid no one’s out to get me!

My therapist says I’m narcissistic.
How can someone who’s perfect be narcissist?

How do you spot a narcissist in a grocery store?
He’ll be doing the self checkout.

What do you call a narcissist criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.

What is the perfect profession for narcissists?
Architect. Because they’ll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs.

Narcissists are like Russian dolls.
Full of themselves.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Nov 22 - 08:07 PM

Not a single bloody laugh there. That's 45 seconds of my life I'll never get back.

Why don't you start a cynicism thread?

Oh, hang on... You already suffer badly from thread-starting diarrhoea... Don't bother...

Subject: RE: BS: USA #1
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 09:39 AM

Celebrate at the festival, school, concert, bars, shopping, church and run from the exciting mass shooting.
Brought to you by your favorite gun manufacturer

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 10:34 AM

This is a joke thread. Hang on, me saying that has just brought on a déjà vu...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: gillymor
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 11:09 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dontuwell

Dontuwell who?

Dontuwell know by now that I have know idea what a joke is.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 12:49 PM

How do you spot a narcissist?

He's the one who thinks his jokes are funnier than yours.
He's the one who can't understand more than one branch of humour, his.
He's the one who hasn't spotted himself when you hold up an allegorical mirror.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Nov 22 - 01:11 PM

Well I once looked at my mush in an allegorical mirror. I thought to myself, is this some kind of bloody joke?

Or am I speaking metaphysically?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 27 Nov 22 - 06:29 AM

Meanwhile, back at the jokes, here's a ha-ha-only-serious from my old trade:

What's yellow and dangerous?

A canary with the root password.