The re-Imagined Village

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Smedley
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 07:21 AM

I have nothing to add, just a pathetic craving to be the 800th post on a thread.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: theleveller
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 07:39 AM

"The Lair of the White Worm which I haven't seen for too long" I have a first edition of the original Bram Stoker novel which I'll donate to the RIV lbrary - it has some wonderful illustrations.

Must rush now; I'll be back later.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 08:14 AM

also has a wicked grin and an arm like a Blacksmith.

Mrs O'Houlihan - actually a great-granddaughter of legendary Irish Showman Turlough O'Carrageen - lost her right arm when an attempt at recreating one of her great-grandfather's more daring spectacles when horribly awry. Not the first to have lost a limb (and worse) in O'Carrageen's notorious Tumblesword, Mrs O' displays her stump with pride and has developed aforementioned arm like a Blacksmith through her dedication to tennis, weight-lifting, shot-putting, and keeping the boys in order, although it is said that her formidable arm is the result of the sort of conjugalities she provided for her husband having decided seven boys was more than enough - contraception being out of the question on account of their devout Catholicism. If not the actual result, then it must certainly come in handy assuaging Mr O'Houlihan's somewhat rampant carnal needs (five times a day in winter, eight in summer) the copious results of such exploits Mrs O' keeps in a large stone jar which she ceremonially pours into the hole of The Mother Stone of Rivington Ring on the night of the full moon by way of a sacred offering.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 09:04 AM

Directly after Sunday's dragon pie luncheon (please arrive by 11:30am at the latest as Reverend Pete will be giving a talk on Serpent Cults in Dravidian India) to be held in the caves below Worm Hill, Mrs. Proctors WI Coven have also promised to perform an artistic and 'tasteful' sky-clad theatrical dance piece in the village hall during the afternoon. Traditionally choreographed around the Ballad of the Laily Worm, providing a fresh twist this year will be backing music from newly formed D'n'B Ballading duo Dragonlines. Polly will also be providing body paint and glitter services to the otherwise naked dancing Coven ladies, though the stage paint and sparkles unfortunately seem to accentuate rather than diminish their un-ironed appearance.

Everyone hopes that there will not be a repeat fatality this year, but as Mrs Proctor says with usual her usual indomitable spirit "The show must go on!", before adding stoically "And of course, sacrifices must be made sometimes.." Mrs. O' is quietly praying to the BMV, that her aching arm be relieved of it's conjugal duties, and that the entirety of Mr. O' (rather than merely his abundant seed) might be deemed a fitting offering this year. Especially as liberal minded Lucia has it appears developed a keen interest in her husbands' ex-paramour this Summer, which also (thank Mary, Jesus and Joseph) means that Mrs. O' need not suffer the worry of any resulting unwanted pregnancies from their delightful trysts (which are conducted after hours every Tuesday and Thursday beneath the great yew in the abandoned Catholic Church's Graveyard.)

A self avowed "erotic gourmet", Lucia finds Mrs. O's stump "Quite beautiful!".

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 09:12 AM

The latest, RIV Chronicle, by the way, mentions that the posh jewellers on Doors/Dragon's Lane, The Ring of Fire, has been sold off to some kind of second-hand merchant - due to open before Christmas...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 10:09 AM

"the posh jewellers on Doors/Dragon's Lane, The Ring of Fire, has been sold off"

Well I doubt anyone's exactly exactly surprised WaV! Tsk, what on earth were they thinking! A posh jewellers in a village?

Hopefully the second-hand shop will do rather better.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 10:17 AM

...you planning to lend them a hand, CS?

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 10:45 AM

Sorry, not me WaV!
Thanks for such a kindly fantasy tho', alway's happy to help a stranger.

Perhaps SO'P's elegantly musical and artistic hands may be available for ..what exactly was it again?

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 11:37 AM

My hands aren't in the least bit artistic; they're rough and gnarled, rugged as any vagabond or woodsman thus giving testimony to a life of hard rural journeyman labour; soil-stained from the tatties and blistered by the plough; blood-stained from lamb-delivery and pig-slaughter; torn by both tooth and thorn; cut with both axe and bill-hook; leather-hard by the wind and the rain; cracked by the ice and the snow; fire burned at hearth and forge and still smarting from the strap and tawse of childhood....

Seamus Ennis had beautiful hands though, though maybe not quite as beautiful as his music:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aF3fW4Nox9U

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 12:07 PM

It's actually the council who now own a second-hand shop on Dragon's Lane - to be managed by a Mr. and Mrs. Adams, and called "Yours for a Song."

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 12:36 PM

"My hands aren't in the least bit artistic; they're rough and gnarled, rugged as any vagabond or woodsman thus giving testimony to a life of hard rural journeyman labour; soil-stained from the tatties and blistered by the plough; blood-stained from lamb-delivery and pig-slaughter; torn by both tooth and thorn; cut with both axe and bill-hook; leather-hard by the wind and the rain; cracked by the ice and the snow; fire burned at hearth and forge and still smarting from the strap and tawse of childhood...."

Blimey, sounds like a thoroughly terrible affliction to suffer from every day! Poor Mrs. SO'P..

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 20 Nov 09 - 08:13 AM

The Adams family started-up shop yesterday - they have American accents, and there seems to be a lot of recycled Whitby-jet jewellery on offer..? (They don't need another hand.)

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: theleveller
Date: 20 Nov 09 - 09:28 AM

Some say that the Mrs O'Houlihan's severed arm was buried in the    graveyard to await the rest of its owner at the appointed time but that, impatient for that moment to arrive, on moonlit nights it could be seen pushing out of the ground and walking through the village on search of its owner. Until, that is, a visiting American actor – one John Astin – caught sight of it and, after some negotiaton, persuaded the limb to accompany him back to the USA where it found fame in the role of Thing in The Addams Family.

Others, however, maintain that the owner pickled it in salt, pepper and vervain, dried it out, and now uses it like the infamous Hand of Glory, to maintain her anonymity while she performs nefarious night-time deeds in the houses of various residents of surrounding villages.

The truth of either of these legends will only be disproven when the owner herself is laid to rest – with or without her gruesome appendage.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: theleveller
Date: 20 Nov 09 - 09:41 AM

What I forgot to mention is that I believe the first story to be true as I heard it "first hand" whilst I was employed as John Astin's stand-in. Here's the evidence:

Gomez stand-in

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 20 Nov 09 - 12:02 PM

After this years annual Serpent Fayre went so splendidly well (despite the unfortunate demise of Mr. O' Houlihan, who it seems was ravaged to death by some unknown wild animal and had to be identified by his dental records) the village has been quite contentedly slowing down for Winter.

The recent autumnal winds have rendered the orchard tree's barren of their last remaining leaves, while local Mushrooming enthusiasts wander through Lesser Rivingtons woods foraging for Blewits, Chicken of the Woods and Amanita Muscaria (the latter once baked dry, is said my Mrs. Prosser to make a "delightful shamanic tea, ideal for Sabbats").

After excitement from the Serpent Fayre has finally died down, and the weather becomes increasingly chill (so much so that the WI Coven are compelled to don balaclavas and woolen mittens & scarves during their sky-clad rites around the Mother Stone) everyone feels a little wistful at the passing of Summer, so it is with much chatter and excitement that the latest news from the RIV chronicle is received in the village.

In fact - Oh Goody! - I've just read in my own copy (delivered a little late by Rev. Pete's wiry haired and rather wayward son "...but better late than a broken window", think I) that the re-Imagined village Round Table are planning to host a "Winter Warmer" event over the Solstice! Amongst other entertainments (including a tombola, raffle and knife throwing event), Tomlin has been booked to DJ an evening's Psy-Trance (a small add, including a grainy B&W photo of the ever-smiling Landlord's Daughter and "E's, Whizz & Acid can be purchased on the Door!" in bold type underneath).

The Round Table, keen to encourage the village's young people have advertised this years Solstice Winter Warmer as "The re-Imagined village's first official Illegal Rave: be there or be square!"

A couple of delapidated buses belonging to dreadlocked New-Age travelers have already parked up on the old Quire's land, but as the Squire is now a thoroughly friendly and egalitarian Gloucester Old Spot, no-body minds in the slightest.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 20 Nov 09 - 12:43 PM

Just don't let Thing (and I knew TL's pic. was coming) enter the knife throwing event - that would be a lay down misere!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 20 Nov 09 - 12:54 PM

...or only with some kind of handicap.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 20 Nov 09 - 02:09 PM

Ah, I seem to have taken fresh inspiration from this thread! Have even started re-reading it (though only so far as SO'P's reminiscences of "liquid Germolene" served with Big Mac's, as yet).

Earlier today me and Mr.Crow went hunting (unsuccessfully, though I've seen it before) for a local pub called "The Cats", which after failed local putterings in our wee banger I eventually hunted down on t'internet here: Scroll down to sixth 'cat' pub listed.

Now I'm not normally a fan of modern revised pub names (like "Frog and Ferrit" or "Slug and Pumpkin", but this one is so genuinely eccentric and charming (an extraordinarily large black cat figure sitting amidst the marigolds and dhalias out front, plus another more quietly perched on the roof) that it earns all due respect.

What's more I'd like to import it into the re-Iv, if no-body minds, and use it to house my late batty and also somewhat wayward, though highly hospitable (as is the Irish way) mother. She was the classic cat lady, always a battered roll-up hanging out the corner of her mouth, a hot cuppa tea dangerously dribbling streams of hot liquid onto the floor as she relentlessly chattered away. And she eternally housed local waifs and strays and general good-fer-nuthings - including psychotic cats that no-one else would dare touch with a barge pole. We all said she'd come into her prime at 80, but she died just over a year ago at fifty four (outliving both her parents by seven years.)

In the re-Iv however, Busy Lizzy (as she was known) will do what she always wanted to do, and will (almost) run The Cats as a mixture of B&B (where waifs and stray's will inevitably still take advantage of her hospitable nature - as she serves them bacon & eggs, and lamb & leek stew everyday for breakfast and tea) and cat rescue centre - where otherwise impossible creatures will be homed and successfully theraped by her own intuitive form of white witchery - however much they piss on the beds, scratch the furniture, shit in the vegetable patch, slaughter the neighbours prize carrier pigeons and generally terrorise the locals - and that's just the humans..

It was of course Busy Lizzy that gave the re-Iv Round Table their idea to hold an Official Illegal Rave, after regaling them with tales of the classic and celebrated Weeley Rock Festival of 1971 (not long before I was born).

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 21 Nov 09 - 07:42 AM

..catnaps - yes/catnip - no, please: the last time it was introduced into the village, side-effects were catastrophic.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 03 Dec 09 - 08:49 AM

Leaving the village for the city:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_XX4q45FR8

I've lived my life in the valleys
I've lived my life on the hills
I've lived my life on alcohol
I've lived my life on pills
But it's called love
And it belongs to us
It's called love
And it's the only thing that's worth living for
It's called love
And it belongs to us
It's called love
Yes it's called love

Oh, love is found in the east and west
But when love is at home, it's the best
Love is the cure for every evil
Love is the air that supports the eagle
It's called love
And it's so un-cool
It's called love
And somehow it's become unmentionable
It's called love
And it belongs to every one of us
It's called love
And it cuts your life like a broken knife

Oh, it dies so quickly
It grows so slowly
But when it dies, it dies for good
It's called love
And it belongs to everyone but us...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 03 Dec 09 - 12:00 PM

Manchester is my favourite City - of all those I've actually seen that is. It really knocks the spots off of smug Liverpool in any event - with all the ghastly mop-toppery 'Strawberry Fields' this and 'Cavern' that. Couple of years ago we were seriously considering moving to Manchester. But last few years have been quite messy with deaths and work commitments, and one thing and another, so those plans for a move went on hold - still restless and musing though. Quite honestly I doubt that I would ever feel really at home in any village (bar the re-Imagined one, which would suit me down to the ground) - but an historic market town might do us well. Especially if not *too* far from some kinda culturally diverse city.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 04 Dec 09 - 08:55 AM

All a bit quiet in the village in the build up to Christmas; a few lights here and there, but nothing too tacky on the advice of the Community Association who have frowned heavily on such things. Even the residents of Rivington Lea have been asked to tone it down this year, but from the evidence thus far it seems unlikely. The 'trees have been up since early November, the kids are at fever pitch, and the late night Karoakes blare from house to house where huge Homer Simpson Santas bounce about in the chill winds and each house is ablaze in fierce competition to outdo those neighbouring.    Recommendations to the Community Association that such Luminos and attendant festivities be accommodated for their folkloric significance have been rejected by the members of the Folk Song, Morris & Mumming Side Committee, aka The Green Man's Morrice, who insist that theirs is the only genuine folklore on offer in Rivington and any association with the crass council house chavs is to be avoided altogether.

Last year Community Association chairperson and Mummer Dr Quentin Jameson, PhD. caused quite a stir when he ad-libbed a couplet to The Traditional words thus:

In comes I old Father Christmas.
Am I welcome or am I not?
I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot
As Christmas comes but once a year
And when it comes it brings good cheer,
A pocketful of money and a cellar full of beer,
Roast beef, plum pudding and mince pies:
Who likes that any better than I?
But in these dark times, sees no one gives a toss;
I best be on my way before they nail me to a cross.

When asked who they were, he declined to comment, but it might be noted that Mr Jameson's name was mentioned in connection with a certain petition advising that Rivington become a Gated Community, with Rivington Lea most definitely without its boundaries. He is also instrumental in making sure that all Christmas decorations in the village comply with Traditional Folkloric Precedents - stating that external House Lights aren't proper folklore because they are shop bought. One wonders just which Santa will end up being nailed to a cross this year...

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: theleveller
Date: 04 Dec 09 - 10:15 AM

As founder of The Humbuggers, Christmas is banned at The Levels. Yuletide, however, will be celebrated with all due solemnity (i.e. none) with roast rib of local beef and a bowl of smoking Bishop ala Ebeneezer after his ghostly encounters. Any carol singers will be showered with red hot pennies from an upper window.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 04 Dec 09 - 10:16 AM

Word of that gets out they'll come a-carolling wearing asbestos mittens.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Dec 09 - 10:21 AM

Oh dear!

The very latest village gossip seems to suggest that the re-Imagined village's feral youths (actually a bunch of boys and girls who live wild on a brown land site at the fringes of Lesser Rivington) have abducted the Prof!

After having broken into his house and bundled old Jameson into the back of a nicked motor (his own) late last night, the balaclavered youths proceeded to drive out of the village at dangerous speed. No-body knows for certain where they went (though everyone assumes Dr. J. has probably been securely tied up on one of the boughs of the great cedar tree, same as last year), but there seems a general complacency about finding him - at least until after Twelfth Night anyway when most of the inflatable Santa's will be safely back in the lofts of the good people of Lesser Rivington.

Anyway, after that unfortunate accident with the long bow and the regional school inspector in 2008, the wise villagers realise that to interfere with the young lads & lasses fun could be potentially fatal.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: theleveller
Date: 04 Dec 09 - 10:47 AM

To be honest, the Prof has only himself to blame. He insisted that the Yoofs tried out the new hallucinogenic substance he invented in order to cash in on the 'legal' drugs trade, now they're addicted and want the formula. They'll probably subject him to unspeakable tortures until they get it. I blame the recent screening of Mad Max 2 at the Lesser Rivington Community Centre for giving them the idea.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 04 Dec 09 - 02:54 PM

Ahh, village gossip also has it that the Prof. - a specialist in rare forms of lichen by day - has an evil alter-ego who works by night deep in his secret underground laboratory, performing all kinds of peculiar experiments on whatever it is he's got down there.

No-body in Buttercup Mews questions the screams and howls that emanate from deep within the the bowels of Dr. Jameson's semi-detached bungalow. For although he's a bit evil, as a genius and member of Mensa the neighbours generally tend to be understanding of his idiosyncrasies - plus the Dr. has also appeared both on Countdown and Eggheads!

But it is a blessed relief to the poor traumatised ears of Miss Pringle the school mistress (who unfortunately shares an adjoining wall with the doctor) now that he's "missing". Plus, she can now get her outdoor Christmas lights down from the loft.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 05 Dec 09 - 06:59 AM

There's an advert posted in the parish mag:

"Christmas Singaround at the re-Imagined village Wyrm & Virgin inn!
With a mince pie and a glass of mulled wine on the house to all who sing"

No idea how many people actually follow this thread? But I think a handful at least, and some of us have YouTubes/MySpace stuff.

This weekend I will mostly be learning Christmassy type songs - when it's nearer to Xmas and I've put them up on my MySpace, I'll post a link to 'em up here.
Be nice if anyone else fancied sharing links to their online Christmassy type music too, by way of a virtual re-Iv Christmas singaround?

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: theleveller
Date: 05 Dec 09 - 09:16 AM

I hope that Miss P doesn't do what she did last year when she got a fogettable member of the Hollyoaks cast to officially turn on her lights and blacked out the whole of the village. I suspect that will be the case as simply looking at the hotograh crashed my computer twice!

CS thanks for the invitation. I haven't put anything new on our myspace site for ages but hope to record some stuff over the holiday period. I'm afraid it won't be Christmassy, though, as we don't really do that sort of song (bit too cheerful for us Humbuggers!). Look forward to listening to yours, though.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 05 Dec 09 - 09:39 AM

Oh well Leveller - I'm sure the regulars aren't fussy! Anything'll do - we could always have an alternative antipodean special this year, where we sing Summery songs in shorts and t shirts to help cheer up the SAD sufferers.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 05 Dec 09 - 09:46 AM

I've "Christmas Sung Simply" (me), and "The Holly and the Ivy" (E. trad.) on my myspace ; and, keeping out of the latest village-villain troubles, am trying to relearn a few others .

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: theleveller
Date: 05 Dec 09 - 12:00 PM

Thanks, Crow Sister. We could do this, which we'll be singing at the Kirkby Fleetham Folk Club Christmas Party next Saturday:

Jack and Jill

Yes, we're both a little SAD I'm afraid.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 18 Dec 09 - 05:48 AM

A heated row began in the Pinky Out Tea Rooms, yesterday, between Mrs Stripe and Mrs George. Feathers flew when conversation moved from Channel crossings and greasing-up to which bird for Christmas.

Mrs Stripe finally saw red and stormed out when Mrs George exclaimed: "Your turkey would be as dry as sandpaper if it wasn't smothered in GOOSE fat."

Mrs Grey, manager of the Pinky Out, claims Mrs George, who has since been nicknamed "Mother Goose", then stepped too far with her final remark: "Don't forget to bring home the bacon, too, for your dry turkey!"

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: GUEST,Remote Control Freak
Date: 01 Jan 10 - 04:08 PM

New Year's Day in the Village by Timothy Phipps-Barton.

Hoisted plank
Ratiated;
I am with bone &
wept - bitterly
so bitterly

I saw three
demons; dog-heads;
dead-headed dreams
blood coughed
choughs hacking
on the gate

over there -
an umbrella hangs
and gathers
flaked and
feathered; like
a snake coiled

like an owl
sat by byres
howling in
choking winds
hail lashed in
obsolete winter

Christ was there
reborn in tatters
eyes clawed
blindness
new buds, ice-born

night falls;
she picks stars
from around the moon;
slips and stumbles,
spills
it all goes
sparkling
away

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 04:52 AM

That was me by the way, last night at the in-laws, avoiding Gavin and Stacey having just watched the final Dr Who instalment which was quite the worst thing I've seen in years. Anyway, a little drunk at the time but reading back through it I don't think it's so very bad at all really. In fact, I might just give it to Rapunzel later to see if she might come up with a tune...

That second line should be radiated.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 06:06 AM

Oh dear. I missed my chance at selling some

Horned toads from over the Gulf in Texas

at the Serpente Fayre. They make excellent pets, keeping the scorpions and tarantulas at bay.

I would have been there in a ankle length red patchwork coat

as Vo-Vo de la Gator (Grandmother of the Gator) from the

house on the Bayou

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 02 Jan 10 - 08:11 AM

Now that's a house! Virginia - we could do with one of those on the banks of our "gently flowing river, licked by weeping willows, and glided upon by mute swans" (opening post)...what a place to take afternoon tea!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 04 Feb 10 - 09:20 AM

Not long after finding English Folk music around 2004, I was lucky to catch a BBC TV documentary following Martin Carthy, and family, as he received an MBE, and was impressed by almost everything he/they had to say; thus, I could never have imagined the snippets of the Imagined Village I heard on Radcliffe and Macone (BBC Radio 2) last night - just after the BBC Folk Awards. Equally sad, in my opinion, is that, despite there being Scottish junior and senior folk-awards for a few years now, there is still no "English Folk Awards" (as I've said here).

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Jack Blandiver
Date: 21 Jun 10 - 09:30 AM

In the Re-Imagined Village it has been reported that several ageing folk enthusiasts have been out in the woods all night a-conjuring summer in. However, as for not telling the priest their plight, the Reverend James Clitheroe, 67, was one of their number and quite possibly the ringleader. Indeed, having invited the wrinkly revellers back to the vicarage afterwards (to listen to his newly remastered Incredible String Band CDs over a ceremonial breakfast of organic muesli washed down with steaming mugs of Barleycup) he then led them in sky-clad procession to the church, there to venerate the resident 14th-century Green Man (an archetype of our oneness with the earth) with a circle dance in the transept accompanied by suitably pagan sounds from the Garrigills Tom, 57, on his Pipe and Tabor, and Sheila, 55, on her English Concertina, who were joined on this occasion by their Down's Syndrome son, Taliesin, 13, on his Bowed Psaltery. Ironically, all were safely tucked up in bed before solstice point, which passed without incident at 11.28 GMT, although readers might note that tonight is a special Solstice Singers Night at the village Folk Club which now meets in the church hall having been soundly evicted from all three village pubs by the discerning landlords loyal to the cultural sensitivities of their locals.

Also this morning, Mrs Emelia Bowler, 55, reported evidence of a noctural blood sacrifice in the graveyard which on closer examination proved to a disturbed fox-kill. The presence of condoms, beer cans and roach-ends was deemed by an investigating police officer to be coincidental, although several villagers did report hearing the rhythmic blowing of vuvuzelas coming from the direction of the church yard in the wee hours of morning. As PC Carrington, 27, explained: "An anonymous source informs us that the vuvuzela is being used in place of the traditional hunting-horn by several illegal fox hunters, who naturally ply their trade under the cover of darkness, so as not to arouse suspicion that anything more serious than drunken revelry is afoot. Whether or not they continue to do so after the world cup remains to be seen, or, indeed, verified. Needless to say, we know who the chief culprits are but have yet to catch them red handed as it were. In this case, it seems, Bold Reynard was disturbed at his repast by the hunt, thus leaving the as yet unidentified carcass in the state in which it was discovered by Mrs Bowler."   

At 3.30 this afternoon Mr Ken Moor, 74, will be lecturing the WI on the folkloric provenance of the enduring 1,2 / 1,2,3 / 1,2,3,4 / 5,6 rhythm currently favoured by vuvuzela players in stirring call-and-response rallies the world over. He dates it to a Druidic Chant reported by the Roman historian Spiritus Canus, the nature of which put the heebie-jeebies up the invading Italians and almost halted their fateful assault on Anglesey. It is also found notated in ancient Gnostic scripture, and the notorious Lope de Aguirre (1510-61) reported hearing it played by remote Amazonian tribes during his ill-fated search for El Dorado. Indeed, following Mr Moor's lecture, there will be a special DVD presentation of Werner Herzog's Aguirre: Wrath of God (1972) in which the eponymous conquistador is portrayed by the late Klaus Kinski, and the memorable soundtrack composed and performed by Florian Fricke and his group Popol Vuh. This is the first of the WI's Herzog / Kinski season, culminating with Nosferatu (1979) to be screened on October 31st, after which the WI will featuring the films of Takeshi Kitano, beginning with a special screaning of Hanna-bi (1997) on November 5th.   

Otherwise, please note clog dancers of both sexes are still banned from the willow-licked riversides so as not to disturb the local wildfowl (the swans as especially sensitive) although fans of English folk cuisine will be pleased to note that stottie, chips and mead are available as a special on at least one village pub menu for the duration of the summer.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 21 Jun 10 - 09:48 AM

"it has been reported that several ageing folk enthusiasts have been out in the woods all night a-conjuring summer in."

I was there! And right bloody windy and cold it was too.. Four of us stayed the distance till that dwindled to three then two, and I left the last of the party alone with her guitar at about 5am. What larks!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Darowyn
Date: 24 Jun 10 - 06:02 AM

A recent arrival in the village is retired Detective Chief inspector Frank Parker-Prodnose, known as Nosey of the Yard. He has moved into the delightful house on the Green called "Postman's Knock", which he bought on the proceeds of his latest book, "Who Drove the Car That Killed the Leader of the Pack?"
The DCI has been spending his retirement working tirelessly to expose the miscarriages of justice concealed within so many popular songs and stories. His cogent argument that Tommy, of "Tell Laura I Love Her" was murdered, is just the latest in his series of exposes of Rock and Roll cover ups.
Since moving into the village, he has turned his attention to Folk Songs. The case which has attracted his attention so far has been that of the unfortunate Matty Groves. A synopsis of his ideas follows.
MATTY GROVES WAS INNOCENT.

Little credibility can be given to the testimony of Lord Donald's wife, clearly a sexual predator of the worst kind, and the obvious discrepancies in the story must point the finger of suspicion.
1.        She propositions Matty when she must have been aware that "a servant ….was standing by and hearing what was said". 'Pas devant les domestiques' has been a motto of the aristocracy since Norman times.
2.        "Matty, he lay down and took a little sleep" Hardly the natural reaction of a young man at the peak of his sexual prowess. He was drugged.
3.        The curious case of Lady Donald's reply to "Who do you like the best of us?" The response could not have been more provocative, especially to a man already in a violent rage. Suspicious!
This is what really happened.
Divorce was not easy at that time, Lady Donald wanted her husband dead, but needed a fall guy. She hatched a plan with a trusted servant to entice Matty Groves to the Castle, drug him and put him in the Great Bed. When Lord Donald arrived, he behaved in a predictable way, but for some reason, the plan for the servant to stab him with Matty's pocket knife ( which had been swapped for Lord Donald's best sword) after Matty had been killed, went wrong.
Did the servant betray his mistress at the last moment?
Was there a counter plot between Lord Donald and the servant to allow Lord Donald to rid himself, justifiably, of a wife who was sure to bring scandal to the family?
There is circumstantial evidence for the latter theory.
Was not Lord Donald really saying,
"A Grave. A Grave, to put these lovers in. But bury my lady at the top, for that will confuse and contaminate the DNA evidence if such a thing becomes possible in the future" ?

A number of other files are already open.
"What did Mary Hamilton do?"
"The Third Sister and the Miller"
I'm sure there will be many others.
(Inspired by James Thurber's "The MacBeth Mystery"

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Jun 10 - 08:47 AM

Ah post-modern memory!!!!
A long time back in this thread someone asked why licorice was known as Spanish and I couldn't find an answer...just in case anyone is still interested I think you will find that licorice root was known as Spanish root because although Glycyrrhiza glabra (licorice root) is grown in England a great deal is still imported from Spain.
Fortunately, here in Wales we don't have to worry about the English village...its inhabitants have, I am told, bought up all our houses as holiday homes faster than we could burn them down! So "Brown-Wilkinson the 'Piwter" has replaced "Jones the Milk" but then "Jones the Milk" replaced "Llwyd Llefrith" and no doubt Llwyd replaced "Ug the Grunt" "and still the land remains"

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: GUEST,S O'P (Astrray)
Date: 24 Jun 10 - 09:06 AM

In Wikilore :

1) In Yorkshire and Lancashire it is colloquially known as Spanish, supposedly because Spanish monks grew liquorice root at Rievaulx Abbey near Thirsk.

2) Spain produces a rock hard, black, pure substance - Spanish licorice, which in the notyjh of the UK became abbreviated as "Spanish", and could be used sucked for ages. By cutting into small pieces, placing into a bottle of water - usually an empty Bandelion and Durdok bottle - and left to ferment for about a week, thus produced "spo" - a refreshing drink. The spanish was in small rolls with a flattened head holding the name of its producer, and each stick was about 6-8 cm long. (sic throughout)

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 24 Jun 10 - 02:15 PM

REPOST of nameless Guests contribution here, just in-case mods get twitchy zapping ray-gun fingers ;-)

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Jun 10 - 08:47 AM

Ah post-modern memory!!!!
A long time back in this thread someone asked why licorice was known as Spanish and I couldn't find an answer...just in case anyone is still interested I think you will find that licorice root was known as Spanish root because although Glycyrrhiza glabra (licorice root) is grown in England a great deal is still imported from Spain.
Fortunately, here in Wales we don't have to worry about the English village...its inhabitants have, I am told, bought up all our houses as holiday homes faster than we could burn them down! So "Brown-Wilkinson the 'Piwter" has replaced "Jones the Milk" but then "Jones the Milk" replaced "Llwyd Llefrith" and no doubt Llwyd replaced "Ug the Grunt" "and still the land remains"

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 24 Jun 10 - 02:32 PM

...never given Glycyrrhiza glabra a go in my pottages.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 24 Jun 10 - 03:33 PM

It's fortunate for the re-Iv, notes Mr's Prosser to the Landlord's Daughter, that new resident inspector Frank Parker-Prodnose is so busy keeping his nose stuck in all those old books about folk songs!
For if he were to become too meddlesome in the day to day affairs of the village, well, something "unfortunate and inexplicable might well happen."

So far however, she notes with a satisfied air (as the Landord's Daughter allows her to sample something "quite special" recently in from Holland) Parker-Prodnose appears to be quite the ideal re-Iv resident!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 24 Jun 10 - 03:39 PM

...better than getting it stuck in the staples of some of those unRIVly magazines they sell these days!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 24 Jun 10 - 03:52 PM

Winning poem in the latest Re-Iv parish mag:

It was!
A thing it

did
...That

Oh, Oops

(Anon)

Note: The winner being anonymous, can't receive their prize of elderflower champagne! So it will be raffled off next month.

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 24 Jun 10 - 04:03 PM

I've got to see the conjur man too,
I've got to see the conjur man too,
Because these gin house blues is campin' 'round my door,
I want to drive them off so they won't come back no more!

Subject: RE: The re-Imagined Village
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 25 Jun 10 - 04:16 AM

"Otherwise, please note clog dancers of both sexes are still banned from the willow-licked riversides so as not to disturb the local wildfowl (the swans as especially sensitive) although fans of English folk cuisine will be pleased to note that stottie, chips and mead are available as a special on at least one village pub menu for the duration of the summer."

And not to forget of course the re-Imagined village Summer favourite: 'Game Pie Royale' (served with side salad, coleslaw and chips)