BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!

Subject: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 12:18 PM

Chongo is renting out his coffin at a monthly charge to anyone who's interested in using it in advance of Chongo's own demise (which is not expected for some time yet). He says it's a good way for him to raise a little extra cash, and that after he kicks off he won't really care who else was in it, "because the dead ain't fussy about accomodations".

Only $50 a month! What a deal, eh?

Note: the rental contract stipulates that should Chongo die during a month in which the coffin has already been rented out, then the contract shall be terminated within 24 hours of Chongo's death, the coffin returned to Chongo's executor, and the money shall be refunded to the lessee commensurate with the number of days remaining in that month following the date of Chongo's demise.

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 12:21 PM

It is a great deal. People doing cremation sometimes like to be embalmed and viewed, first.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 12:23 PM

I assume you have signed up for the first month Hawk?


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 12:40 PM

LOL!

And why would you assume that, Spaw?

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 12:43 PM

Because when Winona's dieting she looks like a corpse? :~)

And Chongo's coffin is big enough for two? :~)

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 12:53 PM

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 12:55 PM

what if the lessee revives whilst renting it? Can they get some of their money back since they won't need it for the full month?

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 12:55 PM

damnit... I meant lessor


bugger

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 01:00 PM

Isn't it the lessee who rents it?

You don't have to be dead to rent this coffin. I think that is a key point to consider.

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 01:47 PM

What if the renter is a vampire and needs it only during the day? Can it be had for half off in that case? And who is responsible for hauling it up at the end of the month if the rent isn't paid? No, there are too many questions.

Instead, my VERY OWN brother has a better deal all the way around. He will provide a luxurious, high deluxe, nonpareil coffin for your funeral for the low, low price of only USD 35.00! That's right! Only thirty-five US dollars. He will even allow, nay, even encourage, you to be laid therein with your cherished bagpipes or banjo! You'll lay in unparalleled comfort all the way to the cemetery. And when the ceremony there is done, the bottom will be slid away and you'll be gently lowered into your eternal resting place, knowing that the next person to rest in the coffin you loved could be your loved one. Should you wish, you could even rent it for a closed-coffin ceremony and put inside whoever you wish!!!

Reserve your next use NOW and we'll provide your remains with a pair of genuine asbestos socks (just as we do for all banjo or bagpipe players).

There's no better deal in the coffin-rental business than this one. Act today to insure a pleasant tomorrow!

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 03:10 PM

effing English. Screw the lesser lessor thing. I'm going back to the less confusing American. The renter.

If I as the renter were already dead, how could I make a contract to rent for a while. I would only rent it while still alive, but expecting to be dead.

If dead doesn't happen, then what?

I am intrigued by the sliding bottom coffin. I like clever gadgets.

Sorry Chongo. Even though I really like chimps and much as I would love to have been laid out in your coffin (even for the short term), I think Mr. Rapaire's deal is the better one.

Can you offer anything else?

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 04:16 PM

Boy, the competition is fierce out there! I will pass this info on to Chongo and see what he wants to do about it. The sliding bottom coffin is indeed a stroke of genius, Rapaire!

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 04:19 PM

Chongo should certainly box clever on this!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: gnu
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 04:56 PM

Rap.... What if the renter is a vampire and needs it only during the day? Can it be had for half off in that case?

No way... sublet, maybe.

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 05:29 PM

Question: Is the coffin made to fit Chongo? Though I've never seen him in person, I assume that I'm a good bit longer than he is, and I don't want to be cramped.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: gnu
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 05:38 PM

They can fold yer legs back up under ya and put large sprays on stands to block the non-existant view. Off course, you definitely should get half off for that.

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 10:47 PM

My Very Own Brother offers a coffer that will fit anyone up to and including eight feet three inches tall, for it telescopes into itself without affecting the sliding bottom at all! And the sliding sizes aren't noticeable at all to those gathered to mourn or cheer your passing! It is also expandable in height and width, so no matter WHAT your waist size, you're sure to fit!

My Very Own Brother: Providing Coffins To The Hoi Polloi Since 1:47 p.m. MCT, October 31, 2009. (NYSE: MVOBC)

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 02:46 AM

Come on Chongo. Got to be something you can offer in this free market economy, to attract the average coffin renter away from My Very Own Brother Co. and back to Chongo Casket Rental (very) Limited.

Throw in some free bananas or something. Do you have a tie swing?   Maybe 3 free minutes to have a go on the tire at the end of each contract.

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: DMcG
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 03:11 AM

I have recently designed a multi-purpose wardrobe and coffin. Yes, now is your chance to make sure your dresses or tuxedo never get creased while simultaneously preparing for a confortable future. While this is not available for rent, it does offer the the maximum lifetime value of any coffin.

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 09:33 AM

In honor of the Day Of The Dead, My Very Own Brother's Coffin will include, free of charge, a bouquet of gaily colored balloons to brighten the gloom to anyone signing up today. AND he will provide, just this once, a special low price on EITHER a high school marching band complete with majorettes OR a barbecue at the gravesite for up to 50 mourners (beer included).

So hurry -- this offer ends at midnight tonight, your time zone.

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 12:08 PM

Now look here, people, this here coffin I am rentin' out is a FULL-size coffin that will fit just about anyone unless he is 7 feet tall. It's a big one. I ain't chintzy when it comes to honorin' the dead. It's got the classic look in semi-gloss black with brass hardware and deep purple velvet on the inside. Dracula would love this coffin. This is a coffin that most people would DIE for! To ask only 50 bucks a month for this coffin is a steal. I am only offerin' such a low price cos I am a swell guy who wants to help ease the country out of the recession, so I am givin' people a big break here.

And keep in mind....this is just ONE coffin I am rentin' out here. One of a kind. That is worth payin' extra for. I don't care if Rapaire comes up with a damn coffin that's got a jacuzzi in it and 3 dancin' girls....nobody in Chicago is gonna travel all the way to Idaho just to rent a damn coffin! No sir. They are gonna take a bus across town to my place and rent my coffin. All it takes is one customer a month, and I'm satisfied.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 12:40 PM

No tire swing then. Pity. Still, I like how Chongo is helping out the recently strapped / recently deceased in his community. That's damned decent and not often seen in the typical mortuary service.


However that dual purpose wardrobe / casket thing. Well damn! What a bargain!

So it is a toss up betweeen Chongo and DMcG. One appeals to my sense of charity and the other to both my sense of style and penchant for thriftiness.

Sorry Rapaire. I am not too keen any of the extras My Very Own Brother is offering.

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 01:51 PM

Shouldn't this be a rental by the day? Or at most a week?
Who keeps a dead body around for a month??????
I may be sorry I asked that.

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 02:15 PM

I am willin' to consider shorter term rentals at a slightly higher rate. Anyways, you gotta keep in mind that this coffin ain't bein' rented out just to put stiffs in. There are plenty of other good uses for a coffin, ya know.

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 04:39 PM

I don't think renting a coffin is a very good idea. In order to comply with applicable nondiscrimination laws, you'd have to rent to a zombie if he were interested. Yuck! Rent a coffin to a zombie for one month and you might as well toss it in the nearest dumpster!

You see, zombies have a tendency to lose parts of themselves without realizing it. After all, they're dead, so they don't feel it when something falls off. After a zombie had rented a coffin for a month, it'd have all sorts of disgusting zombie parts in it! And I won't even mention necrotic bodily fluids! I repeat, "Yuck!"

Do you have any idea how much it would cost to have a coffin cleaned after a zombie moved out? Way more than the coffin itself is worth!

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 04:44 PM

I am glad you brought that up, Bee-Dub. I am puttin' in a no-zombie clause right away. The hell with the nondiscrimination laws.

Do they have a lotta zombies where you live?

- Chongo

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 04:44 PM

Dolly Parton was asking if it is big enough for her to sleep in???.... with the lid down of course!!

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 08:26 PM

Do they have a lotta zombies where you live?

I didn't think so until las Saturday night, when I saw a whole troop of 'em staggerin' down the street. One appeared to have left his right arm in the last bar he had been in.

One thing I can tell ya for certain, though, is that our Florida zombies don't rent coffins. They buy coffin time-shares.

Subject: RE: BS: Coffin for rent - rent by the month!
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 10:32 PM

My Very Own Brother's Coffin is not located in Idaho, but in Central Illinois and convenient to all four coasts. And you needn't accept the extras -- in fact, MVOBC will discount the cost of the extras if you don't want them. Unlike SOME coffin rentals, MVOBC only rents when you need it.

"In your time of need
We'll plant you like a seed."

(And MVOBC will match or better any offer by any LEGITIMATE coffin rental establishment or person.)