LilyFestre-Mommy+Daddy+Baby...now on to Life!

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 27 Apr 10 - 04:41 PM

Ok. Today is better. Not by much, but it is better. I have NOT been tracking this time and I should. Thank you for the reminder. It will be useful for after my next treatment.

I did a LOT arounnd the house today and am feeling better about my environment. My mom picked me up and we went grocery shopping. We went to one store, I spent about $100.00....really needed to go shopping...it was getting to be slim pickin's around here....and she brought me home. She asked about going somewhere else but I am beyond tired. No motorized buggy so I hobbled....now my knees are throbbing but they are UP and I am done for the day. Groceries are 98% put away. Floors are swept, dishes done, bed made, laundry sorta done, table found, living room looking like a living room and not a catch all room.....I'm ok with just collapsing for the rest of the day. I know I did too much. I know I pushed. At least I feel alive today.

Bobert, someone once said that you are always right.....I'm counting on it my friend. Give me a sink full of dishes to do, laundry to fold, a meal to make, a card to write, a friend to call.....all with no pain and I'll not ever complain again. I live to take care of the people I love. And about this being like a 15 round heavyweight fight that goes to the end...all I can do is hang on and do my best. This, my friends, is my best, for today.

I had NO idea it would get this way. I thought that I did ok through the first couple of treatments and that was how it was going to be. My Dr. warned me that I would get more and more tired....he said they are kicking me down harder each time so it makes sense that the struggle to get back up each time would be more difficult. I just thought I could do it. No problem. Yeah. Stupid me. REALLY stupid me. What the hell was I thinking?

I think perhaps this very naive view comes from watching a very dear friend go through treatments for years. Her name was Bette. She was ALWAYS up. No matter about the surgeries. No worries about the pathology. No signs of pain.....slowed down sometimes but she was ALWAYS going. Sometimes I found it hard to believe that she was sick because she just sparkled. Then one day her body just gave out. Her spirit could no longer be contained and she was gone. She is my inspiration.....always an upbeat, positive attitude to the world. I know I haven't had that lately, but it IS what I want.....I apparently have the built in need to whine and cry. Sometimes, like many of you have pointed out, I just need to cry...I feel better after I do. I always seem to feel like I need to apologize for it. My priest (Hi Capt. Cootiesniffer) says that if I need to cry, then cry. So what if it makes other people uncomfortable?

I'm rambling. Overtired. In pain. Eating peanutbutter from a spoon and sucking on a giant iced tea.

And Stilly? The book arrived yesterday, Pete brought it in when he got home (LONG driveway...HE gets the mail when I hurt)....it's PERFECT!!!   And having lived in Atlanta for a time, I can relate to the southern aspect of it...just the title made me giggle. I'll be tucking into bed with it later today. THANK YOU!!!!

Ok. I need a nap. Getting out of the house was good. Exhausting but good.

Love to you all!!!

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 27 Apr 10 - 02:51 PM

Sweet little dear one... just you lean back now, weep, then sleep knowing that the last time you got to feeling better again. This time will be the same. Give it a couple more days and see if things are picking up again.

Are you charting pain and fatigue on a calendar with each treatment? May help you look forward and see the light at end of tunnel with the subsequent treatments. I am probably preaching to the choir on this. seems to me you have done all the homework.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: maeve
Date: 27 Apr 10 - 09:01 AM

Michelle- Remember you'll have some good days again before you have to face the last two treatments. You can handle it, especially when you have such a garden of loving support encircling you throughout your recovery and beyond!

Tears are necessary for healing. I value highly the few friends with whom I can safely weep without worrying about whether they can handle it; they can. Sometimes friends and husbands need it too.

Love,

maeve

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 27 Apr 10 - 09:01 AM

Remind me a year from now when life is back to normal and the dishes are waiting for you in the kitchen sink that you wanted your humdrum life back.
So easy to forget how precious the simple things are.
Hang in there, Lily. The end is in sight.
Mary

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 27 Apr 10 - 08:46 AM

Michelle - You continue to amaze me with your thoughtfulness for the feelings of others when you try to hide the tears from Pete and your friends. In your situation it would not be surprising if you were a permanently sodden mass of tears and who could blame you?

Keep going lady, you have my undying admiration.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 09:33 PM

Be carefull what you ask fir, Michelle... No, jus' funnin'... I'm sure that given what you are going thru you'd welcome "ho-hum"... I mean it... This is as bad as it gets... Chemo is like a 15 round heavyweight prize fight that goes the distance... Each round gets harder but...

...there will be and end to it and you'll come out cancer free and ready for all the ho-hum-ness that you can take...

Ya'll just have to believe me on this one...

B~

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 09:03 PM

Lean, baby. Lean far enough that your feet don't even touch the floor, feel the strength of the arms cradling you...

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 08:10 PM

Bobert,

   You are right. This really IS the toughest part. I hurt and I'm frustrated and I'm more tired than I have ever been in my life. I want to do for others and I can't even do for myself. I didn't believe my Dr. when he said I could be more tired. He was right.

    I napped all day. Read. Slept more. Did one load of dishes, one load of laundry in the washing machine and got dinner ready (a gourmet feast of spaghetti sauce from a jar and a salad) and I am ready to go back to bed. And I might do that just as soon as I get a hello hug and kiss when my honey gets home.

    I can't stand myself. I try not to cry before he leaves and try to have it out of my system before he gets home or before I talk to anyone on the phone. Nobody wants to hear it, including me.

   I just want my life back. My daily, ho-hum, life on the homestead back. Everyone says...only two more to go. I know I am most of the way done but I don't know if I can handle two more times. I'm so tired. Body and mind TIRED....and I need to lean.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Bobert
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 07:32 PM

Ol' hillbilly still here and checkin' in everyday...

This is the toughest part, Michelle... Hang in there... You'll get thru this one, too...

B~

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!
From: KT
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 07:10 PM

Michelle, I haven't been around these parts very much lately and am spending time checking in. I just want to tell you that although you may be feeling weak and small, I think you're a giant!! (as in hero-like!) Keep goin', gal. You're amazing!

KT

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 06:46 PM

One cheek at a time?!?!?!?

Good Lord, girl, don't bounce, it will hurt more!

~S~

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 06:45 PM

It's 6:39pm and so far I took a shower and spent the rest of the day in bed. I finished my book. I took 2 long naps. I planned my menu for the week and contemplated my grocery list. I think my mom is taking me grocery shopping tomorrow....so glad they have motorized buggies otherwise I'd have to not go.

No one to call about the post office today but I will call and check in the morning to see if your package has arrived Stilly....we can stop there on the way to the market.

My goal is to get dressed and go downstairs. If my knees will allow, I'd like to have dinner ready and waiting for Pete when he gets home. If not, he already volunteered to take care of that when he got here....still, I like to do that for him.

Only one pain pill today.....had a steady stream yesterday and just don't like that foggy, floaty feeling for an entire day. I feel like I miss too much.

I can't recall when I've EVER spent an entire day in bed like I did today. At the very least I hang out in my recliner but an entire body stretch feels so much better in bed......I have NO idea how people do this day after day after day.

Susan....nice post about the cardinals. I haven't looked out the window once today...the curtains are drawn and I can hear the rain hitting the roof.

Ok. Getting up, dressed and making my way down the stairs if I have to do it on my rear end, one step at a time.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 05:48 PM

LF:

The view outside the LR window: http://mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=125505&desc=yes#2894840

~S~

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 02:40 PM

I'm back, with a big, enfolding <<>>

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 11:33 AM

Misread posts: I saw SRS as Stilly River SAUSAGE, when I know perfectly well she's all about skinnying down! :~)

~S~

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 10:50 AM

Good timing then, Michelle. My tracking label on your package says it is "out for delivery to a P.O. Box" today. So if someone gets past the post office today, pop in and pick up the book!

You can read them from beginning to end, or from anywhere. They were freestanding commentary on NPR years ago. To get a real good dose of "Mama" one of my favorite stories is "Good Housekeeping" (and how appropriate for a regular member of the De-clutter club!) on page 68. If you want a tiny little story, my favorite is "Dead on the Road" on page 39.   :)

The naturalist in me loves this book, the packrat in me loves this book, the writer in me loves this book, and the radio listener in me can hear Bailey White's voice as I read it. So I'm sending one of my favorite books to help distract you from the unpleasant side effects for at least a few minutes at a time. Laughter is the best medicine, and there are outright laughs, and a lot of smiles and chuckles here.

SRS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 10:33 AM

Bones still hurting. More meds to start the day. Frustration has set in.

I give up for the day. I'm back in bed already....got everything I need for the day. Book. Paper. Computer. Frozen mango.

Feeling really weak, short of breath easily and annoyed at the world.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 26 Apr 10 - 12:45 AM

Popcorn and percocet.....

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 25 Apr 10 - 02:06 PM

How cute VT!

Michelle - float well and let your body rest. Soon there will be recovery. Give that man of yours a big hug from the Mudcat womenz for his care of you.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 25 Apr 10 - 01:19 PM

well if there has to be flashes of pain then they may as well be

sparkly

she's blowing away all the bad stuff.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 25 Apr 10 - 12:30 PM

Percocet regimen started. My entire body is tingly and floaty with flashes of pain, mostly in my legs. I'm planted in my chair for the day. I have THE BEST husband in the universe who is taking really good care of me....he heats up my corn pad, did the dishes, folded the laundry, took stuff upstairs and just brought me a big bowl of frozen mango which is the ONLY thing that tastes good to me. Everything else takes weird and water burns my tongue. My port is really pushing out against my skin...can see the prongs....very pronounced today.

Floaty. Floaty. Floaty.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Apr 10 - 09:28 AM

(((Michelle)))

~S~

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 25 Apr 10 - 09:07 AM

I hurt today. All large bones, the bones in the back of my hands and my cheeks. Up and dressed anyway. Have a book beside me, a cat sleeping by my knees and a fire going in the pellet stove on this rainy, gray spring morning.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 24 Apr 10 - 09:13 PM

You are right, this is not the first time I have seen these.....just was poking around today is all.

Really tired tonight...feeling like I'm in slow motion. Leg pain getting worse, may have to give in and use the pain meds. I know to stay ahead of the pain but what is all this crap doing to the rest of my body?

Good news for a friend today who had been awaiting test results!!!   I used to be happy for people that got good news...now it brings me to happy tears. YAY LOU!!!!

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Apr 10 - 08:32 PM

Yes, it was a long time ago. This is not the first time you have seen these, BTW. :~)

~WebGeezerette

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 24 Apr 10 - 04:48 PM

I was just looking at my church's website and found a link the the Relay For Life team that I was on.....not only that, but things I said were posted on the site as well as a photo of me....someone who was walking in honor and in memory of those I love who have had cancer....many of whom are now gone...it seems very strange to me.

And just this week, almost 5 years later, while I was at my 4th chemo session, I was given a Relay For Life shirt that says Survivor on it. I
can't help but wonder who is thinking about the Relay for Life right now who will be someone receiving a Survivor shirt in the next 5 years.

My First Relay For Life

I am the dark blonde with pony tails in one of the photos. I am also the person wearing the shirt that says, "We Miss You" on the back.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 24 Apr 10 - 07:41 AM

Not too much longer to go now melove. I'm glad you managed to get some good sleep - that always helps.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 23 Apr 10 - 09:09 PM

We're with you, Petal. Blooming you are.

~S~ & Cn CS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Ebbie
Date: 23 Apr 10 - 05:05 PM

Michelle, I foresee a book in your future. It will be a wonderful read.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 23 Apr 10 - 04:51 PM

Ahhhh....just got home....there's NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!!!

First off, I am soooo tired. Nap coming soon. We did go for Thai food....orderd Satay to share and some Chicken Panang for me, which I LOVE. However, I was too tired to eat much more than 3 of the Chicken Satay skewers and brought the rest home. Funny how a body can be so tired and not be able to sleep. I took some Ambien last nght and bang, I was out. I got up during the night to use the restroom which was down the hall and then decided I was hungry. I was not walking straight and I knew it. Anyway, I did get to the kitchen and made myself some cereal. As I was making my way back to my room, apparently I was still not walking well, and a young lady asked if she could help me back to my room. I accepted. Later in the night I woke up and found my nightshirt folded neatly beside my pillow and I was naked. My first thought was Oh Dear God...please let me have been dressed while I was in the kitchen and getting help back to the room. I had NO recollection of removing my nightshirt. I ran into the young woman this morning and sheepishly asked her if I was dressed when she found me in the hall, she said I was and we had a good laugh. YIKES!!!! LOL
    Yesterday's treatment went well, port needle went in smoothly the first time and I was able to sit with my friend so that was good. The only non-pleasant thing was that this time when they removed the port needle, I actually heard a pop (even my mom sitting nearby heard it) as it came out and that kinda smarted...but if that's the worst of it, ok.
   Doc said to expect more tiredness. My legs are beginning to ache already....last time they didn't hurt much at all so I was hoping it was a downward trend....I'm beginning to think it's not going to be. Oh well....I know it won't last but a few days and I have meds to help....not to mention dear friends who help see me through both here and in person....that means so much.

I LOVE the barnyard references, especially the oink-ologist, even though he's a great guy!!!

Take care my friends, I'm headed for a nap.

Love to all,

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Apr 10 - 04:43 PM

I think a picture of one of Cuillionn's chickens with her text below would be a terrific poster: ...the beak will inherit the mirth. Made me LOL!

Hope you are having a restful ride home and feeling the chemo working.

kat

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 23 Apr 10 - 03:23 PM

big grin

normally I hate numbers (numerically challenged) but these make me happy.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 23 Apr 10 - 02:37 PM

Did you get the Thai food after all or opt for a nap? Just two more treatments...

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Cuilionn
Date: 23 Apr 10 - 02:32 PM

Maeve sent greetings from her chickens to my chickens, so our barnyard is feeling inspired:

The cow envisions the day you feel udderly energized and healed.

The chickens applaud your efforts to bite that bug, knowing that eventually the beak will inherit the mirth.

And the piglets are root-root-rooting for you! (Think about that, next time you talk to the oink-ologist!)

Green leafy budding blossoming healing blessings to you!

--Cuilionn

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 23 Apr 10 - 02:25 PM

How's it going dear?

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 22 Apr 10 - 04:59 PM

Hi Gang,

   My platelets dropped but remain 13 points above the cutoff point so I am writing to you from the chemo chair. I have about 40 more minutes to go. My chemo pal was here today and we got to sit together despite a very full chemo unit. They also have t-shirts for the relay for life that say Survivor on them...I picked up a few! YAY!

Hemoglobin is up (I've been pusing protein)
White cell count is up (fighting something I hope)
Blood sugars through the roof thanks to the steroids so I've had some insulin

Other than that, I'm just sitting here listening to the delivery machine ticking away.

Tired. Very tire. Doc says that will get worse.

We have plans to go for Thai food but rignt now, I'd settle for a long nap so we shall see.

:) Love to all,

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: jacqui.c
Date: 22 Apr 10 - 01:38 PM

Hopefully, by now, your treatment is over. Enjoy tonight's meal and tomorrow's road trip home.

You're doing good girl, keep it up.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 22 Apr 10 - 09:33 AM

fingers crossed

sandra

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 22 Apr 10 - 08:25 AM

Ten steriods in, 5 to go. I can fly....I'm sure of it. Crazy drugs.

Two hour countdown has begun....then all needles will be over for the day.

Praying for a good blood panel report, specifically platelets that have gone up or held steady, hemoglobin counts up, steady white cells and a CA-125 that has dropped a few more points. That would make for an excellent report. Any further dropping of the platelets and they may refuse treatment today and make me come back in another week. We shall see. I'll post from the big chair, if I get that far.

Love to you all.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: maeve
Date: 22 Apr 10 - 04:42 AM

Go get 'em, Michelle. I'm thinking of your upcoming victory.

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 21 Apr 10 - 08:07 PM

Thanks for all the well wishes. I'm in a better space than I was this morning! I'm ready for tomorrow, even stopped by the clinic today to pick up some more numbing cream so the port needle won't hurt so much...they gave me 2 tubes....that's the way I like it...nice and numb!!!!

Mom and I stopped at a farmer's market along the way today and really just enjoyed the sunshine and each other's company. We wore ourselves out though. We arrived at the House of Care around 4:00 and she is currently enjoying her second nap!!! I'm going to tuck into bed soon too.

Thanks for being here and letting me vent. :)

Round 4 tomorrow and only 2 to go after that!!!! YAY!!!

Love to all,

Michelle

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: gnu
Date: 21 Apr 10 - 06:09 PM

Glad to hear the good news. Hope things go well on the morrow and afterward.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Apr 10 - 05:24 PM

Must be why they call us "Patients"...it's a virtue for which we all strive and medicine sorely taxes.:-)

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 21 Apr 10 - 10:53 AM

When you get home there will be a nice book there waiting for you, to occupy and entertain while you rest quietly and let the nasty chemicals do their work and move on.

Take care, be patient. You'll get through this and feel better again.

SRS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Apr 10 - 09:33 AM

You could always reenact that scene from The Exorcist and give the attending a good hard twist. Let him know just how you feel.
Whine away.
But get your butt out of the house and into that chair.
Auntie SINS

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Micca
Date: 21 Apr 10 - 09:06 AM

Its the old family stand by (ask Morty)" When in Danger or in Doubt, Run in circles, scream and Shout!!!"

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Apr 10 - 08:16 AM

nothing wrong with a good tantrum now & then!

sending love & hugs

sandra


THREAD DRIFT -
I've never had kids, but I've seen a number of good tantrums in public places over the years - shrieking & howling, wet & dry eyed crying, sitting on the ground & not moving, etc., but yesterday I saw a dog throw one! It lay flat on its tummy & the owner moved on with her other dog, pulling it a very short distance until she realised one dog wasn't wasn't moving! Then she squatted down & asked it what was the problem, unfortunately I was getting on the bus so missed the end of the incident.

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: maeve
Date: 21 Apr 10 - 07:42 AM

Get it over with, Ms Michelle...then look forward to feeling great again. I'll be thinking of you.

maeve

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: LilyFestre
Date: 21 Apr 10 - 07:36 AM

Get your cheese out people because this is a whine alert!

Seriously.

Today I leave for my 4th chemo treatment and I just plain old do NOT want to go. I finally am feeling healthy and now I have to go let someone stick me with a a giant ass needle and put toxins in my body that will make me feel like shit again and make me more tired than I already am. I KNOW it's killing any floating cancer cells and that's why I NEED to go. But I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of having my bones hurt. I'm tired of my fingers tingling to the point it's hard to write out a check or pull out my debit card. I don't want to sit in that stupid, uncomfortable plastic recliner all day. I just want to be at home, feeling good with the people I love.

I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!    ******STOMP************

*********POUT**********   

*****LAYING ON THE FLOOR KICKING TANTRUM*****

Crap. I do HAVE to go in about 20 minutes. Travelling there today, treatment tomorrow. *sigh*

Subject: RE: LilyFestre - Great oncology numbers!!! Yowza!!!
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 21 Apr 10 - 07:32 AM

Marvelous news! And what wisdom you show, dear one. Enjoy your dinner as your doc will enjoy the eggs- fresh eggs, nature's golden gift.

I'm off for 5 musical days, but will be holding you in my heart...

love,

Allison