BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 17 Mar 16 - 03:29 AM

Let's see, I need a pad in Westmister for all night sittings, one near Brick Lane so I don't have to stagger too far after a meal and one down Soho so I can lead a government inquiry into the lifestyle of Betty Swollox, or Mrs Gimp Bitch as she prefers to call herself these days.

I also need a full time accountant to organise the expenses flipping between them and my constituency castle. Oh, and someone to deal with the moat latrines. (Guess who I am considering offering that post to.)

I stand more chance of passing legislation than any of the freeloaders trying to weasel their way into PM Shaw's government because I have a larger private member.

I don't have a bill though *. Of course I could get a bill, attach springs to my hands and feet and bounce around Betty Swollox's bedroom and pay for it via my car allowance. It's called the four sprung duck technique.

(After Steve's Bill Withers joke, the level needed adjusting.)



*Obviously, I have many bills and they will appear on my expenses claims.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Mar 16 - 02:59 AM

What is all this talk of horrible members then?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 07:03 PM

We don't rule, Ed. We officiate. And we've tried to discourage the disgusting practice you allude to by removing all the locks from the closets and leaving an 18-inch gap at the bottom of the doors. Actually, I can't claim all the credit for the latter as Theresa May started it in 2010 so that she could show off her shoes whilst defaecating. She struggled a bit as she found she could only do it by keeping her knickers at knee level, which kept busting the elastic.

Dick, we must maintain discipline. The only naughtiness I'm sanctioning is affairs with other members' wives or even with other husbands' members. Actually, I want a duck house so I'm temporarily lifting the ban on corrupt expenses claims, but make it snappy. It was all this talk of bills that put me in mind of it. How do you turn a duck into a country singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers. Ha ha, geddit?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Ed T
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 07:01 PM

"Being born in a stable does not make one a horse." 
― Arthur Wellesley

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Ed T
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 06:43 PM

Ok, who is in the ruling cabinet working on pressing, internal affairs , and who is busy with private government members bills on wankel engines in the closet?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: The Sandman
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 05:51 PM

We're already concerned about your welfare. But then we're a lot naughtier than you.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 05:49 PM

We're already concerned about your welfare. But then we're a lot nicer than you.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 05:46 PM

I'd be concerned for MGM's welfare if Shaw were to wield any political power.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 05:33 PM

It's all right, Raggytash. Equating anyone with Cameron, the leader the opposition with a penchant for sticking his mini-chipolata in the buccal cavities of dead porkers, is the ultimate insult. He is a sad little man, though, isn't he, this guest. Fancy spending time on the web searching for suitable pictures of dog turds. What a life he doesn't have.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 05:24 PM

@ GUEST,Musketum Rex

Oh, yaw-aw-awn: so its "nurse" again is it then? Well jolly-old--ho-ho-ho, you dear·old luvly·old Boring-Old-Fart.

Ho-hum!!!!

≈M≈

Maybe you are fast qualifying for a nutrix of your very own?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 03:10 PM

I refer back to the honourable gentleman's mention of unnamed guests.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 02:33 PM

Er, Raggytash, he's the leader of the opposition, actually...

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 02:08 PM

Such a wonderful, erudite and witty comment from our "Guest"








Now bugger off and let the big boys play.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 12:38 PM

Go for it

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 12:08 PM

Now, now, I will not have splits in my cabinet.

Actually, I split the wood in my cabinet by trying to stuff too many portfolios into it. That was after I read something about using a "cabinet enforcer." Thought I'd try to do it myself. Sod it.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 11:46 AM

Of course you aren't involved. Not rich enough, not important enough, not endowed enough... Need I go on?

I'll put a half of shandy behind the bar for you. There'll be a small form for you to sign so I can get tax relief in it as a charitable donation.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 08:46 AM

"Handy position for me to stretch up & bite your orgasmic organ, Mr Stu."

I'm not involved. I don't have a portfolio, which means more time in the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 08:32 AM

the minister for war briefs

Just read that out of context. But on reflection...

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musketum Rex
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 08:26 AM

Nutrix ! est etiam ille de lectulo!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 07:42 AM

"smaller statues, recumbent at my oily feet of...MGM and his lion" --
Stu
.,,.,.

Lion replies

"Grrrr-Grrrrrrrr-Grr!!!

Handy position for me to stretch up & bite your orgasmic organ, Mr Stu.

Grrrr-Grrrrrrrr-Grr!!!

Ars[e] Gratia Artis"

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 06:14 AM

There will be no introduction of private members' anything under my regime. Not after Cameron sticking his private member into where it wasn't wanted.

Very good, Stu. I hereby promote you to Minister Without Portfolio. Sorry about that, but I assure you that the bugger on eBay who's late posting my portfolio order will be getting negative feedback from me.

What IS a "portfolio" anyway? Do they have carry handles?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 06:00 AM

Stu. You forgot the bit where we three hire a pick up, put expensive dining room chairs on the back (none of yer MFI crap) and sit on it whilst being driven round flicking Vs at the peasants.

Out of interest, it would be easy for us to throw shit at dishonourable members because we would demand exclusive access to the strangers' gallery overlooking the floor of the house, to save us having to cohort with the proletariat.

If you think we flick shit, wait till M'Unlearned Friend The Solicitor General Bridge introduces his private member's bill to allow chippy bastards to whinge without us laughing at them.

(True story this but, regarding shit and the House of Commons. Back when I was Lord High NHS (authority chair, there to look pretty and open health centres with posh plaques) for our area, I had to meet regularly with our two MPs, Harry Barnes and Dennis Skinner. Dennis told me about back when he was a new MP in 1970, and the first time the speaker admonished him. Some protesters had entered the strangers' gallery when a debate on farming was taking place. They threw a carrier bag full of cowshit. Most of it landed on the floor and a fair amount on Tam Dalyell. The speaker ordered clearing of the chamber, and Dennis objected, saying they couldn't adjourn because there was a motion on the floor.

No idea how embellished his account was but I suppose he got years of fun over telling the story...

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 05:25 AM

"KAOH for War Minister??"

Many apologies for the typo in this. It should have read KAOH for Warminster, the town down in Wiltshire. Very poor broadband down there I believe.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 04:25 AM

Excerpt from Hansard, 15th March 2016.

The House met around tea-time.

Prayers were led my His Grace The Reverend Father Joseph Offer (blessed be his name), with attendant Pete (back from stoning homosexuals at dinner time).

Mr Speaker in the chair.

Prime Minister Steve Shaw: As a honest man of heritages vast and working class as is my wont I hereby declare a statue of myself shall be erected in Parliament Square to be used as a shrine to my all knowing and graceless genius.

cries of "right on" and "yer wot?" from the government benches, cries of "oo-oo" from the Musket monkeys

Speaker: Leader of the opposition, Ake

Ake: I reject the PM's proposal utterly as it will encourage foreigners, "liberals" and pigeons. I propose an alternative, namely a statue of Donald Drumpf and Our Lady of The Divine Misery Margaret Thatcher going at it like knives. I would just like to say "liberals" one more time as no-one understands it in the context I use it and wot I made right up, and also "cucumbers" because it takes more calories to say, hear and comprehend than there is in "cucumbers".

Punkfolkrocker: Cor! I've still got lead in me pencil too. Wey hey!

Prime Minister Shorn: I reject the honourable Ache's suggestion and amend my motion (pardon) to include smaller statues, recumbent at my oily feet of Raggy and his beardy, MGM and his lion with me standing on Keith's prize-winning swede.

Teribus: I donate all my kidneys to the queen; my hampton to Phil the Greek; my gnarled, pointy finger to Iain Duncan Smith to point at the filthy peasants; my liver to Nicola Sturgoen's hair surgeon and my brain to... hold on, who stole me friggin' brain? Bastards! You're all wrong!

At this point Terbium storms out of the chamber and was last seen licking the welcome mat at the MOD.

Musket Monkeys: Oo-oo! We're better than you all! We have more money that you all! We know it all! Our agreement with your point can be seen as vindication in the eyes of the feckless middle class! Anyone got any nuts?

Keith: May I humbly propose myself as the new minister for provoking an argument?

The house divides

Speaker: Vote in favour.

Keith: I never said that!

PM Shore: You bloody did:

Ake: "liberals!"

Keith: You're putting words into my mouth!

MGM: Punctuation!

PM Shaw: That's my line!

The Musket Monkeys start throwing poo at everyone

Musket Monkeys: Oo-oo! Superior we is! Maggots, the lot of you!

"His Holiness Joe Offer picks up his crozier and proclaims: THIS THREAD IS CLOSED". Cries of "shame" and "I knew it!". Everyone repairs to the Sweaty Nun for a pint or five and to play a few tunes.

Continued on page 94.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 04:12 AM

With Dan as pres over there and Steve as PM over here we are on to a winning formula!

And that is NOT the Yorkshire question. Everyone knows it applies to Scousers. Along with why did they dig a tunnel under the Mersey? Because the Scousers would nick a bridge...

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 02:35 AM

Your fault Co Bloody Messiah for confusing ON right hand with AT right hand. Not my fault. At least you put your mace of office down first. They say that mace makes your eyes water. I know what they mean now.

Still, at least it meant your chromatic gob iron fell silent for a few minutes.

Anyway, what does King Maker Raggy get out of this? is he on a pension of guaranteed Whiby smoked haddock from that small smokery up the hill? Weekly tail end n chips? A jet necklace to (used to) match his tash?

It'll all come out when the minister for war briefs The Daily M*il you know....

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Mar 16 - 02:23 AM

How about something more useful, like the Brit Shift Mod?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:44 PM

In the words of the great Lawrence D. Hills, Dan, 'tis the nuttiness of the truly sane...

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: olddude
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:15 PM

My buddy steve is prime minister, he makes me laugh cause he is nuts like me

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Joe Offer
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:02 PM

I can see it now, the first meeting between Prime Minister Steve Shaw and President Donald Trump.

It gives yet another level of meaning to the concept of Mutually Assured Destruction....

Oy.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 05:25 PM

OK, OK, Musket can be Speaker as long as he understands that he does not get to sit on my right hand. We had enough trouble with that when we were sorting out our Holy Trinity. I'm still not over the bloody carpal tunnel syndrome treatment. Fat bugger! As for the vexed Yorkshire Question, it may need refining, but here it is as far as things stand:

THE YORKSHIRE QUESTION: How does a Yorkshireman make an omelette?

PROVISIONAL ANSWER, TO BE REVIEWED: First, he nicks three eggs...
.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 02:57 PM

Minister responsible for putting more females in non-traditional positions.

Minister of

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 11:01 AM

Minister for rummaging through drawers... hmmm..

Wonder if that job is still available, or if the ghosts of Sid James or Benny Hill have got there first....

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Stu
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:51 AM

As the leader of the resistance I reject all the new government's legislation without giving it a second or even a third or fourth or fifth of forth. I'll be around the 19th after the back nine has long ceased to be the final three furlongs and we plumb the depths and look into Davy Jone's Briny Ocean Tossed for some fathoms.

I hereby resign as leader of the remittance and am going to farm malingering whelks in a rockpool just outside Acocks Green. It is not written but this matters not a thingish.

I'm sure The Great Leader Shaw is a honest man made of fine beans and his Three Tumbling Muskets are of course forged from raw air and moulded into the semblance of three indistinct but bold and courageous orange balls like what them fisherpeeple use in their ganzied harassing of the ever elusive prey species.

The cabinet made of polished Tezzas as minister for fumbling and scrummaging and His Grace Joseph Special Offside (for it is himself) are good choices for the fray. There will be pudding.

PFR must be put out with cat or a fire hose or an "in" vote or even one of those triangular bits of plastic you find in rummage draws.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: olddude
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:49 AM

Is a prime minister a preacher who really likes numbers?

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:32 AM

The Hon. member for Sin City, B. Woodsman, is delighted to accept his appointment as Minister for Lincolnshire. I shall shortly submit my expenses claim for a second Lowden and Martin HD-28V, for use in my Westminster accommodation.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:21 AM

I am not at all sure whether being a deity (existing or retired) precludes the esteemed Mr Shaw from holding positions of a mere mortal nature. Still, I'd vote for anyone who can provide a suitable bribe...

As to the Yorkshire question. Having moved here a mere 3 years ago I am still unsure but I think the biggest question may be "How fuckin' much?!?!?!"

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,MikeL2
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:21 AM

Hi Steve

Hey oop.... if you deduct all those points from Man U. they will be negative this year.

Ok you beat us last week. I was there to watch the Pool completely outplay us. Worst United display I have seen for many a year.

< "OK, the Man U bit is a blatant piece of populism, but I foresee no objections except from MikeL2 but I can run faster than him">.

Don't be too sure, I won the Octogenarian 5 Metres sprint last week.

Cheers

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: olddude
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 10:00 AM

Does he taste like prime rib? Lol will he ban trump or even trumpets and what about banjos

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:58 AM

Of course, as Queen, I will also be the Duke Of Lancaster.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:52 AM

Cheek !!

When I am Queen I shall chop your head off if I get more of such language.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:36 AM

There'll be enough sleaze if you let me into the cabinet...

If as an advisor I can appraise Prime Minister Elect Shaw of ideas for a cabinet of the talents rather than the popularity one above, courtesy of "bumped up to The Lords out of the way" Raggytash....

Michael gets minister for appeasement, which should keep him in Jerusalem most of the time, out of the way.

Terribulus can be minister for war. I'm sure he'll find some pesky foreigners to launch our inept navy towards. He can occasionally report at the dispatch box how well prepared, ready, able and willing his conscripts are. (All night sitting, that one..)

Keith can be minister for history. He is good at convincing himself of an idealised history. We'll let him find a use for all those empty churches too. If he says they are full, job sorted.

Joe Offer can be American Ambassador to The Court of St James. If we swing a deal with the pope (brown envelopes usually work), he can be the Vatican rep too. Not as funny as elf minister but more useful in that guise. He can keep an under Blackfriars Bridge for us. You can never be too sure.

BWM can be minister for Lincolnshire. We'd only have to pay him one day a week because, let's face it, not exactly a priority, is it?

PFR can be minister for pervy fun.

Dave the Gnome will be Chancellor of The Duchy of Lancaster, of course. He may be able to sort out the ethnic cleansing over territory presently under The UN radar in Todmorden.

My good friend Musket will want to be chancellor of the exchequer. No, no reason. Just saying like..... Oh and as for Musket, give him Mr Speaker. He lives in London so is available for sitting in the chair. I can be Scottish secretary. I am well qualified, being English but owning (OK, RBS mortgage really own) a house up here and claim residency.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:32 AM

Please exercise caution when considering "The Yorkshire Question" Bear in mind there are some Lancastrians here doing missionary work.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:19 AM

Consider yourself appointed, PFR, on condition that I get to review all your photo dossiers. On the motorway services point, austerity dictates that there will be none south of Sandbach, and even that was marginal. Soft Tory southerners will have to buy those in-car plastic pee accessories with the female adapters that I've seen in the Daily Star. I have determined also that every club in the Premier League has been guilty of unfair play this season, except for Liverpool, and will each be deducted fifteen points, except for Man U, twenty-five in their case. OK, the Man U bit is a blatant piece of populism, but I foresee no objections except from MikeL2 but I can run faster than him.

I'm still working on my religion policies. Be afraid. Be very afraid...

The Yorkshire Question is on hold. For now.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:17 AM

... oh.. wait... on second thoughts... maybe not...

That department will be full of bigwig tories.... 😬

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:15 AM

That's it.. you are a genius...

Can I be minister for the department of squalor and sleaze...!!!!! 😜

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:07 AM

Gentlemen!!

This is a serious thread, please do not let it degenerate into squalor and sleaze.

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,punkfolkrocker
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 09:02 AM

errrrm... I.. I would be equally prepared to accept minister for the department of cider apples and naturally cultivated unshaven lady minge... 😜

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: GUEST,Ed T
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:59 AM

You dont seem to have tge feel of a minister of titties, there are wider options for breast enlargement materials than silicone, including gummy bears.
:)

Beyond silicone 

Subject: RE: BS: Steve Shaw for Prime Minister
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 08:30 AM

"Michael is harmless" in ydr dreams, Popsicle. Jus-che wait till I decide its time to come and

















GETCHA!