BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans

Subject: BS: wish they'd not adveritse funeral plans
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 20 Aug 18 - 12:29 PM

those sun life adverts really get on my tits. And now the Coop has started e-mailing me.

I'm starting to feel persecuted. why are all these people telling me to prepare for being dead.

after all when you're dead you won't know about what happens, or presumably care.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not adveritse funeral plans
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 20 Aug 18 - 12:44 PM

Depends whether you want to protect your spouse from having to deal with sorting out and forking out for your funeral at a time when she's probably not in the best state to deal with it. And, of course, protect whatever money you have to leave from inflation.

I used to have a dread of thinking about my own mortality, and dealing with the nitty-gritty of my funeral, but as I get further and further into the late autumn of my life, and having a wife to consider who is some years younger than me (and very likely to outlive me), I'm far more at ease with it, and protecting her has become my main consideration.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not adveritse funeral plans
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Aug 18 - 01:13 PM

How would you know you were dead if they didn't?
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not adveritse funeral plans
From: punkfolkrocker
Date: 20 Aug 18 - 01:31 PM

Prepare for death by maxing out credit cards and not telling the mrs,
so she can justifiably claim plausible deniability...

Just leave her a sealed envelope telling her which guitars to immediately move to a trusted address,
and instructions on where to sell them and what price to ask for,
later when the coast is clear...]

That's the death plan ad I'd like to see on the telly...

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not adveritse funeral plans
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Aug 18 - 09:29 PM

I get 'em in mail from local funeral homes. I glance at the envelopes, rip them in half, and then deposit them into the bin marked "recycle." I've gotten some spam for insurance, but that's irrelevant so I mark 'em as junk and off they go.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not adveritse funeral plans
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Aug 18 - 09:31 PM

I'm going to be composted.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not adveritse funeral plans
From: KarenH
Date: 20 Aug 18 - 09:48 PM

Has anybody else specified the music they want played when they go?

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 20 Aug 18 - 11:41 PM

I'm in a demographic now that receives weekly offers of a free gourmet meal (usually at one of the local steak houses) so the company promoting the meal can discuss how they'd like me to invest my retirement. I'm getting offers from Gerber to insure my (non-existent) grandchildren. I'm getting the funeral planning stuff, but I'm also getting lots of stuff from Viking Cruises, who think I'm of the age that I'd like to tempt fate and get a food-borne illness while at sea.

This is separate from the everyday trash that most of us receive - dozens of quazi-legal looking forms telling me I neglected to buy an extended service plan for my used vehicle (some of them for the long-gone model), and various approaches to "I want to buy your house, in any condition." Sometimes they're made to look like someone sat down and hand printed the offer on a lined yellow legal sheet of paper. Others are more lawyerly looking. All of them are scams. You can list a house with a reputable agent these days and sell it as is for a much better price.

At least all of this is giving the post office something to do.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Joe Offer
Date: 21 Aug 18 - 12:11 AM

And now, for a word from our sponsor:

Look at the coffin, with silver handles
Isn't it grand, boys, to be bloody well dead?
Let's not have a sniffle, let's have a bloody good cry
And always remember, the longer you live
The sooner you'll bloody well die.

Sorry, Al....

-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Aug 18 - 02:36 AM

I prefer the Leslie Sarony version Joe (old music hall song). My mother used to sing that (it's on Mudcat somewhere) recorded in the thirties I believe.
It went, "Look at the coffin. bloomin' great 'andles..."

I always smile when I get spam suggesting we go on a wrinklies' cruise.
As I've said on here before, I'd need a huge plastic bucket with me at all times. (appallingly prone to seasickness)

I don't really want a funeral at all. Just dispose of the body the cheapest way possible. I shan't know as I'll be...er...dead.

Compost is a good idea Steve.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: BobL
Date: 21 Aug 18 - 03:21 AM

Some years ago I had some worrying symptoms, which gave me cause to think seriously about what I like to call my endgame strategy. Fortunately they weren't what I'd feared they might be, but I ended up feeling that I'd looked death in the face from a safe distance, and was a better person as a result.

I've arranged to donate my body for medical use if possible, so may be having a memorial service rather than a funeral as such. Details (e.g. all Morris persons to wear full kit) are on computer - with multiple backups - for my executor, and they get edited now and again as ideas crystallize.

Meanwhile, the junk mail I receive includes car insurance offers - they haven't done their homework, I stopped driving five years ago - catalogues from optimistic mail order firms and appeals from charities I've never heard of, but thankfully, not such potentially depressing items as those the OP complains of.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 21 Aug 18 - 03:59 AM

"I'm going to be composted."
I once told our publican we wanted to be cremated and have our ashes sprinkled into his ash-trays - that way we would be around forever because he seldom emptied them

We've donated our bodies to a teaching hospital
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Aug 18 - 04:54 AM

Many years ago I read somewhere that the chemicals that could be recovered from the human body after death were worth 6s 8d. In today's money that would be be 33p, and in those good old days when you could get $2.40 to the pound it would be not far short of a dollar.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: fat B****rd
Date: 21 Aug 18 - 05:03 AM

My funeral's paid for and my "Exit Music" already on CD.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Jos
Date: 21 Aug 18 - 05:20 AM

6s 8d (a third of a pound) is what I used to pay for a record about 60 years ago.

I am amused by the advertisements for retirement homes including pictures of the clients they expect to attract - aged about 40, dressed in elegant clothes from the 1930s.
When will they be more realistic and picture their intended couple dressed in mini skirts, flares or kaftans?

I have specified a cardboard coffin, and I would rather be buried (in a woodland plot), then if it later turns out that somebody might have bumped me off, they can dig me up and prove it.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Aug 18 - 05:52 AM

Yep, Jos, singles were 6s 8d and LPs were thirty-two bob. And we never called them "albums!"

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 21 Aug 18 - 06:11 AM

Still have fond memories of the local old reprobate who told his family from his deathbed "when I go put my face down in my coffin so they can all come and kiss my arse"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Aug 18 - 09:55 AM

Or one could brag that if they put you in there face-up, they'd never be able to nail the lid down, Jim...

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 22 Aug 18 - 06:42 AM

Burn baby Burn...disco inferno...

I'm not having a funeral. bagged and burned, that's all I've specified. No thanksgiving for the life of bollocks....Absolutely no memorial concert.

There is a company that will do that for a few hundred quid. If they cash my premium bonds , it should cover that.

Most people I went to college with can't remember me. I am obviously fairly unmemorable. What's the point of having a roomful of idiots going on as though you were the greatest thing since Ernie Ball guitar strings.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Thompson
Date: 22 Aug 18 - 06:47 AM

A friend died last year and left her body to a medical school; after they'd used it to teach the students it was cremated by her family and the ashes buried in her home village.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Aug 18 - 07:49 AM

Does anyone know what actually IS the minimum one can get away with regarding basic funeral costs? Just 'bag and burn' as Big Al says.
I definitely do NOT want an expensive fuss made. It's all just commercialism and making profits out of the dead.

I think I read somewhere that the bare minimum would be about £3000, which is horrendous.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Jos
Date: 22 Aug 18 - 08:24 AM

Google 'DIY funeral' - you don't have to use a funeral director.

I found this site:

https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/arranging-a-funeral-yourself

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: JHW
Date: 22 Aug 18 - 10:33 AM

Not had the ads yet but have wondered how to be sure of a good house. Should I be getting some flyers ready?

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: BobL
Date: 23 Aug 18 - 03:30 AM

Sen, it depends in part on how you go. To take an extreme case, a big explosion could kill you, cremate you and scatter your ashes before you even had time to notice.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Aug 18 - 08:19 AM

What a good idea BobL! Or I could be lost at sea (fell overboard while puking) or slip and fall into the crater of a volcano.
Or maybe I could persuade a crocodile/shark/anaconda to eat me.
Lots of ways to avoid funeral fees.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 23 Aug 18 - 09:12 AM

Problem with any of those options is the lack of a death certificate to give your family access to your estate (if any).

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Aug 18 - 11:39 AM

Oh dear Nigel. That would be a big drawback. :(

I imagine if one dies insolvent, the council has the responsibility of disposing of one's body. After all, they can't leave it lying on the pavement indefinitely. So what if I spent all my money on jaunts, travel, luxury goods, kicking my heels up something shocking, then went and died? No funeral costs then.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: BobL
Date: 24 Aug 18 - 03:14 AM

A death certificate would presumably be issued after a coroner's inquest. Just don't do a Lord Lucan....

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Aug 18 - 04:50 AM

I think I spotted him last week riding Shergar.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Aug 18 - 06:32 AM

Hahaha Steve!
I believe you can be buried in your garden, but at a certain distance from the actual house and any drains or pipes. And the plot has to be marked on the deeds.
When I see my husband out on the lawn with a spade and a tape measure, I'll start to worry!

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Gda Music
Date: 24 Aug 18 - 05:24 PM

Certainly an advertisement that leads to the fact that *Death is Compulsory*
A full page ad from the charming and informative book .. THIS--IS GRENADA

by Frances Kay c1971 - Carenage Press   St. George`s Grenada.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Greetings to Dear Friends


Our usual Xmas gift is once more open to you. Caskets of all classes A B and C can be obtained at reasonable prices from the Anglo American Funeral Agency, 73 Melville Street, St. George`s and not to mention the influx of ornaments and Tombstones to be laid out at the grave of your departed ones.

Also specialise in Embalming and all classes of Caskets, Canadian and American Designs also Monuments and statues.

We now take this opportunity to loan One free Coffin to any Relative of the departed ones buried by Anglo American Funeral Agency Co. Bills must be presented of the departed ones buried above named Company not later than 6 a.m. On the 25th December 1961. Also all Caskets purchased from 26th December 1961 to 31st December 1961. We are now in a position to offer the new designs.

Anyone purchasing one of the new design caskets will be given One Case Whisky free. Don`t be prejudiced you can purchase your Coffin before death, come in and select. We are at your service Day and Night.

We also offer you Oak Caskets with glass face for burying at sea.

We can also supply Hymns for all religions, who pay for them will have them; also Last Rites Sets, canned juices and best Burgess Batteries for Radios Flashlights and Satellite from U.S.A.

Also pocket Radio Batteries.

We now take this opportunity to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Brilliant 1962.

Oh God our help in Ages past
Our Hope for years to come.
Family Guest House can also be obtained

JAMES LAQUA
Funeral Director and Undertaker, Anglo American Funeral Agency.
73 Melville Street St. George`s, W.I.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
57 years on and they don`t make "free" offers like that anymore!


GJ

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Aug 18 - 05:31 PM

That's hilarious! How can they 'loan' a coffin? Do they dig it up later, remove the corpse and use it for someone else?
And why all those free batteries? And canned juice? Not to mention whisky!
It's all so random.
Very strange CJ.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: BobL
Date: 25 Aug 18 - 02:17 AM

Maybe the canned juice and (two-way) battery wireless are left in the coffin in case of premature burial..

Doesn't bear thinking about. But I shan't have that problem if I'm to be dissected.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Aug 18 - 03:46 AM

Crumbs BobL I never thought of that! Gruesome eh?

I've wondered about organ donation. When my sister's husband died suddenly she was wonderful, agreeing to donating anything at all possible for donation. His body must have saved/improved the lives of countless patients waiting for transplants.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Jos
Date: 25 Aug 18 - 04:09 AM

It may be possible to loan/re-use coffins for cremations - the coffin disappears behind a curtain, where the body slides out into the pyre/fire (whatever it is called). The next thing the relatives see is a small box of ashes, which doesn't need to include wood ash.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Aug 18 - 04:24 AM

The crematorium in our last village held annual open days, where you could have a guided tour and see how it was done (obviously no-one was being cremated while the tour was on!)

There, the coffin was slid into the cremator on some rollers and the gas flames came from underneath. I imagine if the body was uncontained, it might not slide in so easily.

But one could I suppose have a cardboard coffin to hand and decant the body into that, saving the 'nice' coffin for another customer.

When the curtains closed, we saw that the cremator was down on another level and the coffin lowered by a hydraulic platform into that department where the workers received it.

The remains were ground up in a machine called a cremulator after any metal joint replacements and teeth fillings were removed. The metal was sold by the crematorium managers.

The crematorium chimney had effective filters inside, to comply with air pollution laws.

I found it fascinating to see all this and have it explained.

Subject: RE: BS: wish they'd not advertise funeral plans
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 25 Aug 18 - 05:25 AM

yes I'm surprised the boy scouts don't do a badge for burning granny...with a special woggle for starting from rubbing two sticks together.