BS: Joke Thread for 2022

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 22 - 10:08 AM

Octoberfest all year long, just wear old shoes As usual, its no joke

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:51 PM

In the same vein, how does a Yorkshireman make an omelette?

First, he nicks three eggs...


(Now I feel I'm allowed that because I'm a Lancashire lad, and don't kid yourself into thinking that the Wars of the Roses was ever resolved...)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:18 PM

Surely that can't be true. Rescuers would have to be very stupid indeed to think that so many bodies could possibly have fitted into a "small, two-seater Cessna plane". They would have to be even stupider not to have linked together the state of the bodies discovered, the presence of coffins of various ages, and the location of the crash, a cemetery, as offering a likely explanation. These people responding to this crash, presumably Irish people, must be represented as very, very thick indeed in this supposed joke.

The old ones aren't necessarily the best, when ye think about it. Try using the old stereotypes about certain other recognisable groups of people and see where that gets ye; got anything about Scots being parsimonious? Ken whit I mean, pal?

ABCD.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 01:46 PM

BREAKING NEWS
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night'.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 10:35 AM

What is the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 04:44 AM

A topical joke, which happens to be accurate:

Father's Day: Nine months before Mother's Day.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Jun 22 - 02:05 AM

How many Boris Johnsons does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because he lies, saying he's done it, and everyone applauds him with enthusiasm. (Joke on my village Facebook this morning)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 22 - 04:01 PM

For the first time in three years the Jehovah's Witness fellow called on me today (this is a true story, not a joke). I always have a banter with him as he's a dear old chap. His wife died during the pandemic and he's now 86 years old. He knows that I'm an incorrigible atheist but we see eye-to-eye on the woes of the world (maybe not how they should be fixed). If he comes in September he can have a big bag of apples from my trees, a bit of a ritual.

Anyway, this is a joke thread, and his visit reminded me of the old Tommy Cooper chestnut:

Two blokes knocked on my door today. All they wanted to do was talk to me about vacuum cleaners. I thought to myself, "Oh no, not the Jehoover's Witnesses again..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 22 - 01:46 PM

"Holmes, I'm really struggling with this crossword. Could you help? This clue here: 'Pertaining to the digestive tract...'"

"Alimentary, my dear Watson."

"Ah, thank you! And this one, two words: 'Burglar sets off loud ringing bell...'"

"Alarm entry, my dear Watson."

"That fits! Hmmm, how about this one, three words: 'Large ocean fish with flat body and wing-like appendages...'"

"Yellow manta ray, my dear Watson."

"Cheers! But what about this one: 'Conservative MP sends money to ex-wife', two words..."

"Alimony Tory, my dear Watson."

"And this one's really tough, Holmes: 'California-style...'"

"A la Monterey, my dear Watson..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 02:07 PM

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.
Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could. Sister Marry Clarance of the Assumption held her weight to the door, white as a ghost and muttered..
"On hh..his.. Pe.. Penis it has a..word...SWAN!" And then she ran off to her room.

The next morning Sister Gertrude Harmony of the Assumption quite sternly takes over as the ward of the sailor, lecturing the girls over breakfast of the sins of curiosity and the flesh!
“Is it true?” asked Marta. “Does he truly have ‘Swan’ tattooed on his spear of Adam?”“I’LL HEAR NO MORE OF THIS NONSENSE!!” Yells Sister Gertrude as she storms out the room.
But the young ladies only became more intrigued. Being a particularly observant lot, they knew Sister Gertrude loved the communion wine as much as she loved the lord. So one night the postulates fortified the sacrament with some brandy. Soon Sister Gertrude was snoring.

All the girls were anxious, but none could muster the courage! Such trepidation! How does a young lady ask to see a strange man’s penis in a way that would be pleasing to the Lord?
A bath! Fetch water and soap! SSHH!! Don’t wake Sister Marry Clarance or Sister Gertrude. They’ll have our habits!!
While the four or so ladies scrambled for an alibi, the rest formed a circle around one. She was shy, quiet, timid, and quite pretty. Me!?! She asked.“Do it for us Mary? Please?! We may never see one! You must tell us what it’s like! And if it truly has a word on it.

Mary gathered her nerve, and sighed deeply. Then she took the wash basin, and with a confidence nobody knew she had, marched right into the sailor’s room.
She was even humming. Ten minutes later, the humming stopped.Twenty minutes later, strange noises the girls have never heard started.
Forty minutes later, the ringleader of the postulates stood by the door, banging on it every five minutes to hush them up.
Over an hour later, Mary came out the door, hair neat, habit in place, only a bit of flush and glow to give her away.

All the rest swarmed her like geese.“So...”“So what?” She said“Well does it...say...”Mary cut her off “Does it say ‘Swan?’”Mary turned and walked to the door turning back from the doorway she looked them all in the eye and smiled and said..

“No, It says "SASKATCHEWAN”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 01:26 PM

I entered the butchers shop and asked for 100 grams of bacon. The butcher said 'Lean back' so I leaned back and asked him again. This kept repeating itself

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jun 22 - 07:52 AM

While the joke retains the fact he wouldn't boink her with another man's dick, it gives the wife's explicit pov in an equal opportunity manner. Its now bigger than a size matters joke.
Ya know its only a matter of time when the word syndrome appears after your name.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 May 22 - 08:33 PM

You seriously need to see someone. Sick.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 31 May 22 - 07:22 PM

How the 'Recipes: What are we eating?' thread was born.

A refined gentleman wakes up in hospital after an embarrassing car accident. He looks down between his legs and there's only a todger stump...
The surgeon comes in and said to the eunuch, "You're lucky, mate. You're in the top hospital for todger transplantation in the country. As a matter of fact, we happen to have a willie for you in our fridge right now!" "Oh wow!" sez the blokette. Tell me more!"
"With your dismemberment insurance it can be done immediately"
"Blimey," says the halfman. "I'd love that but may I get my wife in to consult?" An hour later, after the chap and his missus had had a chat, the surgeon came in. "Well have you made a decision?"
"We have," said the obese chap. "We're building a new kitchen...despite my wife's immense enthusiastic curiosity regarding surgury."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 29 May 22 - 11:24 AM

Observed in a butchers' shop in Nottingham:

    BACON MISHAPS

The butcher changed it to "bacon misshapes" after I laughed, because he thought I was mocking him; but I'd laughed because it was so delightfully *correct*.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 May 22 - 10:56 AM

You can sometimes make fools of people, but many folks are the do-it-yourself type.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 08:12 PM

Troll.

A bloke wakes up in hospital after a terrible car accident. He looks down between his legs and, well, there's a key component missing...

The surgeon comes in and sez to the bloke, "You're lucky, mate. You're in the top hospital for todger transplantation in the country. As a matter of fact, we happen to have a choice of three replacement willies for you in our freezer right now!"

"Oh wow!" sez the bloke. Tell me more!"

"Well, of course there will be a small charge. We have a six-incher, a sort of budget model, that would cost you five grand. Then there's the eight-incher at ten grand. The gold standard is our nine-and-a-half incher, but that one would set you back twenty grand...."

"Blimey," sez the bloke. "I'd love that last one, but can you get my wife in so that we can consult?"

An hour later, after the chap and his missus had had a chat, the surgeon came back in. "Well have you made a decision?"

"We have," said the chap. "We're having a new kitchen..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 May 22 - 10:26 AM

I think therfore I am.
Only you know if you are nothing.
If you don't think so you are nothing.

Tell some boy scout jokes. They're in the same pedophile chapter as your Priest jokes, if you like that sort of thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:55 AM

My ex asked me the difference between Ignorance and apathy.... I told her 'I don't know and I don't care!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:12 AM

Chap went to the doc with a terrible stomach ache.

"I can't understand it, doc. I have a great appetite, I love my grub and now I'm just miserable!"

"So what have you had to eat today so far?"

"Well for breakfast I had six slices of toast, eight fried eggs, five sausages and half a pound mushrooms. Elevenses, three coffees and six or seven chocolate biscuits. For lunch I had two king-size burgers with extra fries and bacon with each one, a slab of chocolate cake, two Cokes and two bottles of beer..."

"Hmm. Well drop your trousers, bend over and let's take a look.... Ahah, I can see straight away what the problem is here..."

"What is it, doc?"

"Well, it appears that you only have the one arsehole..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:04 AM

No I am not jealous I am angry about guns and the people who profit from them and sad for the victims.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 22 - 09:00 AM

You're jealous because you are so utterly unfunny. And you wouldn't know the truth if it reared up and bit you on the arse. And there's no need to shout. Go and find some fellow would-be puritans, sit around telling each other boy-scout jokes and wonder among yourselves why, in a world that's a vale of tears, none of you are laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 08:17 PM

ARE YOU RESPONDSIBLE FOR ALL RACIST, SEXIST, MURDEROUS, BODY SHAMEING, SEXUAL ACT, DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE AND RELIGIOUS SACRILEDGE jokes ?
Best to steer clear of those perverted topics. I favor the truth, funny or not.
You are good at repeating sophmoric and grade school humor but live and let live.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 07:32 PM

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife.

She thinks about it for a moment and then replies, "Your willy is bigger than your brother's..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 05:56 PM

It wasn't about the "sick American psyche." It's about YOUR sick "sense of humour." You need to take responsibility for that post.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 04:24 PM

Regarding the sick American psyche, I agree.
They are all just a google away.
The Lt. Govenor of TX calls gun control advocates SICK son ofa bitch assholes and are out of line. I believe the kids were in line when shredded by LEGAL military weapons.

I don't post the ones that said "They're just Blacks and Spics".
Raggytash,
Your empathy is refreshing. Americans are numbed.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 04:17 PM

Cheers, Raggytash. I'm really sorry now that I allowed myself to get through that revolting post.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 25 May 22 - 02:40 PM

There has to be something seriously wrong with someone who can kill those children, there must also be something seriously sick about someone can joke about the killing of 19 children all aged about 9 or 10 years old.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 01:35 PM

Possibly from where its been his thumb had a bloody awful bad smell when he would toast "here's mud in your eye".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 May 22 - 01:00 PM

One weekend when a funeral procession passed a man and his boss were playing golf. The man took off his hat and stood silently with eyes downcast. He didn't move until the procession was out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approved. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he said, as they resumed their game.?"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:58 AM

Instead of polluting this thread, why don't you just start your own thread and call it "bloody bad taste thread?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:55 AM

Amerika is getting wierd. My brother went to the fights and a hockey game broke out. I went to the mass shooting and a Trump rally broke out.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 25 May 22 - 11:05 AM

I figured I'd take a shot.

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”

A Foreign exchange student is sobbing under desk
American student: “First time?"

How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar? They never get old.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I think is
Betty White.

What's the difference between school shootings and mass shootings?
School shootings have class and mass shootings are Catholic.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 May 22 - 11:27 AM

I spent two hours this morning trying to decide whether to procrastinate, but in the end I just put it off.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 May 22 - 10:44 AM

Pro-procrastination.... after all, why put off until tomorrow, what you can do the day after?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 May 22 - 09:06 AM

Anticrastination: putting off something till yesterday.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 23 May 22 - 10:39 AM

There was a gambler from Uoton New Hampshire. Who used a nude dancer
to screw the bet handler. When she bent over he quickly reached over
but did not elude his capture

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 May 22 - 10:36 AM

If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 May 22 - 08:02 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 May 22 - 09:29 PM

An apple pie, a burger and a cheese sandwich walked into a bar.

"I'm sorry," said the barman, "but we don't serve food here..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stanron
Date: 22 May 22 - 12:03 PM

C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 May 22 - 07:54 PM

Gilbert Godfried and Bob Saget are both deceased now, so they won't be making any new videos. They are an acquired taste.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 22 - 12:01 PM

? ? ?




Back to the joke thread:-

A woman was chatting to her neighbour over the garden fence, discussing their tomato plants. A day or two before, both of them had plants laden with unripe fruit but now his tomatoes were red and ready to pick while hers were still green. She asked him what he done to achieve such a transformation. He said that the night before, he had just got out of the bath and remembered that he needed to put something away in the greenhouse. He went out in just his bathrobe and slippers and as he reached up to put a box on a shelf, his bathrobe fell open, revealing his masculinity. He joked that the tomatoes must have blushed with embarrassment at the sight as overnight they had turned red.

That night, as she was getting ready for bed, she thought that she would give it a try. She went out into the garden and, after checking that no one was around, she opened her dressing wide. The next day she told her neighbour what she had done:

“Did it work?” he asked.

“No!” she replied. “They’re still green but the cucumbers have grown quite a bit.”

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 May 22 - 10:10 AM

It's not a question of being tender hearted - it's just that I don't want to waste my time on something that simply isn't funny.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 19 May 22 - 08:59 AM

I wish a speedy recovery to the tender hearted exposed to the joke 'Aristocrats'. The accepted treatment and remedy is to watch Richard Attenborough twice a day for a week and avoid all contact or mention of of sex and bodiy fluids. Get well soon.

The exposure to this joke may cause wincing groans or seizures depending upon how much a distraction is needed after a tradgedy. The vaccinated suffer mild or no symptoms.
Vaccines are available at andrew/epstien.com

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 May 22 - 07:16 PM

The link to the comedy roasts, posted above, opens a video titled "The Best of Gilbert Gottfried". If that is the best, I will skip the rest, thank you very much.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 22 - 07:05 PM

At least the "olde jokes" can give you a groan or a belly laugh in turns. That link was completely disgusting and I don't know what you think you were doing posting it without giving us a health warning first. One thing's for sure: it has nothing to do with jokes. You are wrecking this thread and it's becoming more and more difficult to get past you and restore the spirit of the thread by telling actual jokes, "olde" or not.

On topic, a groaner perhaps (but still a joke):

"Is there anything great about Switzerland?"

"I don't know, but at least the flag is a big plus..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Raggytash
Date: 18 May 22 - 06:42 PM

I listened to about 15 seconds of your first post Donuel, not only was it crude it was offensive.

I suspect that if your American brothers and sisters listened to it they would be appalled.

If I was a moderator it would delete the post and censor you for posting it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 22 - 02:27 PM

comedy roasts including the roast of donald trump
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXo31OBIdUw

dead
comedians
being serious
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqPy5SXQ_qw

Subject: RE: BS: Joke Thread for 2022
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 22 - 01:28 PM

100 years ago an American joke was spawned from the back rooms of Vaudville. In the day people auditioned for the vaudville stage and you never knew what you were going to get. This is a version of the joke that was told only among comedians in private and has evolved over the years. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGA0dIz9-Wk
Olde jokes don't do it for me.