How to be a famous C&W Star

Subject: How to be a Famous C&W Star
From: Justa Picker
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 03:28 PM

- learn to grin and wink alot when you talk or, are being interviewed

- forget about teeth whitening from all those years of chewing tobacco; have them all crowned

- appear very sincere in all interviews and videos

- express a very profound belief in God (even if you're an agnostic)

- tell your fans you'd love to stay and play for them all night long (if it weren't for the money)

- the songs you write should never exceed more than 4-5 chords; throw in an unexpected one (that doesn't fit) but you'll be forgiven for it (because of all of the above points) and your die-hard fans will admire your "creativity" and expect to be called an innovator

- all of the musical arrangements should be as simplistic as possible with lots of stops, starts and breaks, but have the very best session guys on the gig with you

- make sure none of people in your band or you (play old Martins) (new Rainsongs, Taylors or Takamines only)

- make sure that Dolly, Garth, Travis, Ricky, Randy and Vince are all "close personal friends"

- have the CF Martin company make a limited edition guitar bearing your inlaid signature
(but don't use it on stage)

- buy shares in Jimmy Dean Pork Sausages & the Jack Daniels company (If Kenny Rogers approaches you with an investment opportunity - RUN!!!!)

- get cast as an extra in some duster

- appear at the Opry (perhaps one day even perform there)

- carry special pills which automatically change your blood type in case of any female fan paternity suits

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 03:45 PM

-Learn to play watered down pop/rock... 'Cause near as I can tell that's what passes for C&W these days...

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: allanwill
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 06:33 PM

I agree with what you say Justa, but only in relation to the pap that comes out of Nashville.

There is some great talent that, if they have to be catagorized, would be called country artists that are far superior to the likes of Garth, Dolly, et al (IMHO of course).

Allan

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: DougR
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 06:43 PM

Arghhhhhh! Clinton! You said something I agree with!

DougR

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Jim Krause
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 07:08 PM

Aw hail, boys, I done missed the boat agin! Daggonit!!
Jeeyayum

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: 53
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 07:32 PM

This is a good one Justa.

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Gareth
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 07:35 PM

Die, tradgically, in a light aircraft leaving many a tape for your contract master to reissue.

Gareth

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 09:48 PM

make sure any women who hang out with you have BIG hair, tight clothes, and speak with a whiney drawl...uh-oh, are we stereotyping?*bg* I used to like some C&W...but the stuff coming outta Nashville sucks!

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Stewie
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 10:11 PM

Allan, you perhaps have not listened to much of Dolly's work to dismiss her so lightly. Listen to bluegrass stuff she has done with Skaggs and her work with Trio for starters. If any of the Nashville crowd is a 'great talent', it is her. I can't think of any, except Emmylou Harris and Suzy Bogguss, who come close. [also IMHO of course]

--Stewie.

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Justa Picker
Date: 22 Jun 02 - 10:45 PM

(p.s.)

- work out daily and be able to pass as a bouncer

- make sure your leather/spandex pants - fit.

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 12:09 AM

LOL w/Justa!!

I second the opinion about Dolly Parton.

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: fat B****rd
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 05:11 AM

Not forgetting the wearing of the cowboy boots and big white hat with your tux at the Country Music awards.

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: alanabit
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 05:40 AM

Don't you have to have some sentimental songs about poor, crippled orphans and truck drivers?

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: van lingle
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 10:00 AM

At one time you would have had to have a Brylcreem-slathered, gravity-defying pompadour, as well. Let me also weigh in as a long time Dolly Parton fan.I'm not always crazy about her pop-oriented stuff but she is a fine songwriter and a singer without too many peers, IMHO. vl

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: van lingle
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 10:02 AM

And of course an Nudie suit.

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: allanwill
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 10:17 AM

Stewie

Yes, I did dismiss her her a bit lightly there - blame Justa for putting her in his list.

Allan

Subject: RE: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 10:39 AM

Here's one more vote of confidence for Dolly Parton, who is a great and talented lady. Justa's other key points are bang-on.

As for "New Country"...feh! As was said, "watered-down pop/rock" with a stetson and a nasal twang. These people are so busy imitating each other that I wonder if they can even remember which one they are when they wake up in the morning.

I'd rather listen to Willy Nelson any day.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: DougR
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 10:09 PM

Arghhhhhhhh! Damn, LH, I agree with you too! I got to get out of this thread! :>)

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: catspaw49
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 10:30 PM

As an aid to all of you, let me help you make it big in C-W Music by letting you use this:               

DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG KIT

Instructions: To build your own country song, insert one of the multiple
choices each place you see a number in brackets [].

   I met her [1] [2]. I can still recall [3] she wore.

   1.                      2.                      3.
   on the highway          in September            that purple dress
   in Sheboygan            at McDonald's          that little hat
   outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra
   at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators       those training pants
   on probation            all hunched over       the stolen goods
   in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose
   in a nightmare          sort of pregnant       the Stassin pin
   incognito               with joggers            the neon sign
   in the Stone Age       stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
   in a treehouse          with Merv Griffin       the hearing aid
   in a gay bar            dead all over          the boxer shorts


   She was [4] [5].

   4.                                  5
   sobbin' at the toll booth          in the twilight
   drinkin' Dr. Pepper                but I loved her
   weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
   breakin' out with acne             near Poughkeepsie
   crawlin' through the prairie       with her cobra
   smellin' kind of funny             when she shot me
   crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
   chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
   talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
   drownin' in the quicksand          with a wetback
   slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu


   and I knew [6]; [7] I'd [8] forever;

   6.                                    7.                     8.
   no guy would ever love her more       I promised her         stay with her
   that she would be an easy score       I knew deep down       warp her mind
   she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if       swear off booze
   that she would be a crashing bore    I told her shrink      change my sex
   I'd never rate her more than "4"      The judge declared    punch her out
   they'd hate her guts in Baltimore    My Pooh Bear said      live off her
   it was a raven, nothing more          I shrieked in pain    have my rash
   we really lost the last World War    The painters knew      stay a dwarf
   I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said         hate her dog
   what strong deodorants were for       My hamster thought    pick my nose
   that she was rotten to the core       The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
   that I would upchuck on the floor    Her rabbi said         salivate

   She said to me [9]; But who'd have thought she'd [10] [11];

   9.                           10..                           11.
   our love would never die    run off      with my best friend
   there was no other guy       wind up      in my Edsel
   man wasn't meant to fly      boogie       on a surfboard
   that Nixon didn't lie       yodel       on "The Gong Show"
   her basset hound was shy    sky dive    with her dentist
   that Rolaids made her high   turn green   on her "WorkMate"
   she'd have a swiss on rye    freak out    with a robot
   she loved my one blue eye    blast off    with no clothes on
   her brother's name was Hy    make it      at her health club
   she liked "Spy vs. Spy"      black out    in a Maytag
   that birthdays made her cry bobsled      with her guru
   she couldn't stand my tie    grovel       while in labor

   [12] goodbye.

   12.
   You'd think at least that she'd have said
   I never had the chance to say
   She told her fat friend Grace to say
   I now can kiss my credit cards
   I guess I was too smashed to say
   I watched her melt away and sobbed
   She fell beneath the wheels and cried
   She sent a hired thug to say
   She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
   I pushed her off the bridge and waved
   But that's the way that pygmies say
   She sealed me in the vault and smirked.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Bobert
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 10:57 PM

It also don't hurt to look like a brainless male model while matching the I.Q. of the male model you've chosen to look like. Now, all ya' need is: tight jeans, pointy Western boots (which will make ya' limp for life after age 47...), and a average kereoke voice. Now it ya' can match those atributes then the record compnay will do the rest,. Yeah, they'll buy you a a few good songs, put half a dozen studio guys behind you and.... you're off. C & W ain't too much different than TV wrestling in that repsct..

Good luckm but please consult you local Sears catalog's men' clothing deoartment to see if you've passed the first test...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Mountain Dog
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 11:31 PM

Wear a silver rodeo-championship belt buckle big enough to have its own zipcode(optional for female stars...)

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Jun 02 - 11:36 PM

If yer a female C&W star, starve yourself to anorexic size ought, dye your hair copper penny red, wear spangles and fringes on your clothes, with rhinestones on your boots and set out to steal any man you clap eyes on; then make sure you have on scads of Tammy Faye Mascara for when you sing your heartbreak songs and the camera pans in to show your anguish at breaking up another marriage...and, if you can, involve your mama in it somehow...

(nice one Spaw!)

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 12:01 AM

Ya' know I'll never forget how completely overwhelmed I was the day I realized that Tammy Faye Baker actually looked worse without the makeup! I was physically ill for several days and vomited every few hours.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 09:57 AM

Kitsch, kitsch, glorious kitsch
It's a-makin' me holler, it's makin' me twitch
Mah heart is on fire, mah truck's in the ditch
Now ain't Ah one lucky dang son-of-a-bitch?

Let's hear it fer rhinestones and kitsch!!!

And lastly, Ah have to menshun thet them ten gallon hats is dang handy fer coverin' up a prematurely bald haid. Thet's why Ah never take mine off, ceptin' in the shower.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Willie-O
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 10:15 AM

If you're a guy, these days, and you want to get on those radio stations, you must sing only pledges of lifelong fidelity to the one woman in your life whom you met in grade 1.

If you're a woman you must be the tough cookie giving him a verbal scrubdown while you're throwing his ass outta the side door of the doublewide.

Willie-O

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 10:43 AM

LOL...doublewides have something besides side doors?*bg*

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Watson
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 12:17 PM

You could always sing C&W songs backwards...

...but then you'd get your dog back, your car back, your wife back....

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Jim Krause
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 01:21 PM

Wall, if yer a-ritin' kuntry 'n' western songs, y'otta take a tip from ol' Steve Goodman. Ya gotta rite 'bout Mama, trains, prison, pickup trucks, an' gittin' drunk. That is the perfekt formyoula fer a kuntry 'n' western song. Now chasin' 'n' cheatin' can come under the topic of gittin' drunk. Now here's the perfect example of whut Ahm tawkin 'bout!

Jeeyayum

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Don Firth
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 01:28 PM

Spaw, it actually happened. Tammy Faye Baker was once offered a complete make-over by a couple of Hollywood make-up experts. They also offered to give her a complete course of instruction in how to actually use the stuff so she wouldn't go around looking like her face was dipped in plastic. She gladly accepted the offer. Then after a short time in the room with the make-up exerts, she walked out in tears, refusing to let them work on her. When asked what happened, she said, "The first thing they wanted to do was wash all my make-up off!"

I think the truth of the matter is that she's hiding Jimmie Hoffa's body under all that goop.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: allanwill
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 01:43 PM

Jeeyayum (now theres a good ol'fashion, down home, country boy name!)

Is your inference, then, that Steve goodman should/could be "classified" as a C&W performer?

Allan

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Kim C
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 01:44 PM

I live in Nashville and have for the last 26 years. Lemme tellya about Nashville.

First off, it really is a pretty cool place. But like any other growing city, it has its flaws. The People in Charge would rather spend money on professional sports than the symphony (which we almost lost) or historical preservation. Now, don't get me wrong, I think it's great that we have pro sports in Nashville now. BUT all those other things are important too. It isn't just pro sports that makes a city.

Then there's the road construction. Don't even get me started there. That's more of a state thing, though, rather than a city one.

But the music....... omgawawd, the music. Music City? Yeah, right, and my name's Mother Hubbard. If you actually come to town, and go see some live acts, you might actually see some really, really fine talent. But what happens is, most of these really, really fine people never get a big break. It's too bad. Over the years there have been some great non-country acts in Nashville, but they withered and died.

As for the country acts, well, there's so damn many of them, and the labels have to compete with each other, so what you end up with is an Awful Lot of Mindless Drivel on the Radio. And it's really too bad.

The old-timers know this, and will tell you outright. I heard an interview with Tom T. Hall once, and he said, Don't write for the market. It's obvious when you write for the market. Write for yourself. If anyone should know, it's him.

I have heard Ray Price, and the late Chet Atkins say the same thing - the acts today are created for the market, and not for the music, and they all sound alike.

And Dolly... well, sure, back in the 70s, Dolly was part of the Countrypolitan movement. Total crap. But y'all, Dolly's been in the music business for nearly 40 years, and Still Going! How many others can you say that about? And yes, her bluegrass stuff of late has been very, very good. Anyone see her on Austin City Limits with Nickel Creek a few months back?

Her show here in Nashville for next month sold out in 2 hours.

Gimme Dolly over the Dixie Chicks any day.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 02:03 PM

Yep. That is precisely what is wrong with radio music...it was written for the market. And that is what is wrong with most Hollywood movies too. And that is what's wrong with the 6 O'Clock News.

It's an epidemic, folks, and it's all driven by a remorseless greed for money, accompanied by an absolute lack of any real perception of the actual meaning and purposes of life.

Want to write something good? Write for yourself.

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: pattyClink
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 02:05 PM

Gal, you run down the Dixie Chicks again, we goin' to Fist City!

But I'd eat a bug for Tom T Hall so I guess we can git along.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Kim C
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 03:24 PM

I didn't run down the Chicks, I just said I preferred Dolly. Now, if you want to talk about the ORIGINAL Dixie Chicks, well, that's different.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: 53
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 04:55 PM

Or you could get in on the hat act.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Jim Krause
Date: 24 Jun 02 - 11:28 PM

allanact, Yup podner. That's whut Ah mayent.
Jeeyayum

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Genie
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 02:18 AM

Justa, What's this "... carry special pills which automatically change your blood type in case of any female fan paternity suits.." stuff?  Since when does "country star"  imply "MALE"???

But 4-5 chords?  Gee, that's a LOT o' chords for one song, dontcha think?  [Try 3--4, at the outside--, less'n yuh count 7ths as new chords.]  But don't never use no augmented or diminished chords or 6ths or major 7ths or anythaing like that.

I agree about Dolly, too, Stewie.  She's written some purty danged good songs, & she plays purty good, too--specially for having those fingernails!  Voice ain't half bad, neither.

LH, a lot of today's "country" artists [e.g., Faith Hill, Shania Twain, and to a lesser extent, Vince Gill and Clint Black] don't even bother with the "nasal twang" half the time.
 

Don F., I actually saw the results of a makeover some folks did for Tammy Faye on TV.  She really did look a lot better after the makeover [the opposite of the usual "makeover" -- mainly they removed layers], but she did not look happy with the results, despite the audience's strong approval of the new look.  She went back to her old 'style' almost immediately.

Patty, I couldn't agree more about the Dixie Chicks!  Fine musicians, all three of 'em, and great entertainers, too!

Genie

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: GUEST,KitKat
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 05:13 AM

I thought Beth Nielsen Chapman was counted a country singer. She doesn't fit any of the stereotypes (in fact I would have called her a ballad singer but she's filed under 'country' in UK stores) and I think she is a very fine singer/songwriter indeed (IMHO, natch!).

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: GUEST,Pete
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 11:25 AM

Drifting slightly, did I really hear Dolly Parton singing Stairway to Heaven recently?

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Kim C
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 12:50 PM

All righty then, lemme tellya bout the ORIGINAL Dixie Chicks.

Emily and Martie are the only two original members. Back many years ago, there was also a fine songwriter/singer named Robin Macy, and another gal named Laura Lynch, who played the upright bass and yodeled. Yep, they used to have yodeling in their act. Cowgirl bluegrass, they used to call it. And they were great. Little-known, but great.

The act you know as the Dixie Chicks today, which is a pretty fine act, is not EVEN close to what the original Chicks were. Nowadays, they play for the market just like everybody else. The only thing that sets them apart is that they happen to be real good at playing instruments. HOWEVER - Emily and Martie played a LOT MORE on those early recordings. The mainstream market now doesn't really seem to give a flip about a great banjo break.

Don't bother looking for the original Chicks recordings, because they've been out of print for years, and swept way under the rug.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: katlaughing
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 03:15 PM

This site has an extensive discography for them, from the original on up to the "Sony discovery" of them. It also has a history of which gives full credit to the original members.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Amergin
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 03:35 PM

Ya'll forgot that ya need to learn how to talk and sing out of the side of your mouths....at least when the camera's on....

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Kim C
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 04:01 PM

Kat, that is a great link. Everyone please take note that the site in question is NOT the official Dixie Chicks page. The "official" Dixie Chicks page doesn't even mention the original incarnation of the group. Wonder why.

Oh well. Your mileage may vary. ;-)

By the way, did anyone mention you're supposed to marry a woman named Audrey and die in a car, either from an OD or an accident?

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Big John
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 08:49 PM

Hey, come on you guys, you are displaying prejudice. There's plenty of room for all genres in the great big world of music. I made my pilgrimage to Nashville in May and went to EVERY honky tonk on Broadway. Heard several brilliant singers and musicians who just didn't make it on the hard road to stardom. Went to a couple of sessions to hear a guy named Darryl Lee O'Donnell and bought his CD. Great songs, even if they do comply with Catspaw's classifications. I'm sure we could generate a similar thread on How to be a famous Folk Singer.

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: GUEST,Sonja
Date: 25 Jun 02 - 09:33 PM

One more important thaing:

Bill yerse'f as a "singer-songwriter" and then pay the requisite royalties on some really good songs written by REAL perfeshinal songwriters, so y'all kin have a few big hits (with THEIR songs, o' course).  Then fo'ks will thaink Y'ALL wrote them real good songs.  (Wall, yew is a "singer-songwriter" and yew SAING thet song, didn' yew? Must've been yourn, raht?)

~SWO~

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: DougR
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 02:01 AM

Hey! All you have to do is to be invited to perform at a special Fourth of July performance by PBS, and then be denied the right to perform a piece of music you want to perform! You refuse to perform if they won't let you sing what you want to and every cable station in the U. S. will give you airtime.

But then Charlie Daniels has done pretty well without all that.

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Kim C
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 10:07 AM

Big John, that's where a lot of the really good players are. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 01:55 PM

Dyin' in a car he'ps a lot...specially if'n yew was drunk at th' tahm. Bein' drunk 'n disorderly he'ps a lot too. Havin' a whole bunch of broken marriages and lotsa kids is jest 'bout required as th' years go bah. Needless t' say, the alimony kin really mount up, if'n yer a mayan. If'n yer a woman then it's 'tother way around.

It don't hardly matter, though, cos th' sheer deelight of bein' a big country and western star outweighs ALL the heartbreak! Why Ah wouldn't trade places with the president hisself fer a career in country music. And who gits the girls? Why, even old Biyil Clinton didn't do as well as a country star does!

Prejudiced? Who's prejudiced!!! Why, Ah let mah houndog eat raht offa th' breakfast plate... Ah ain't prejudiced! Yew jest better watch whut yew say around here, pilgim! We know yer kind, yer probably a danged Amercan-bashin' commie, I bet...

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Don Firth
Date: 26 Jun 02 - 05:55 PM

I can't recall the exact circumstances, but I heard that this actually happened:--

When a couple of heavy-duty music promoters who orbited Elvis Presley heard that Elvis had been found dead, they sat stunned for several minutes. Then one of them said in awe, "Wow! Great career move!"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: How to be a famous C&W Star
From: Kim C
Date: 27 Jun 02 - 01:40 PM

Well, Elvis has a #1 hit in Britain right now...