The reproductive capacity of bodhrans

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Jeanie
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 05:46 PM

Have you ever wondered where these bodhrans hang out in their preparative prepubescent stage ? Unable as yet to reproduce or invade adult sessions, they are to be found in every percussion band in every kindergarten and playgroup in the land:
the dangerous and dreaded *Lollipop Drums* !
For the uninitiated, these are garish giant lollipops with a plastic booming skin, beaten by a mini-lollipop - and ALWAYS chosen by the player with the least sense of rhythm !

- jeanie

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 05:02 PM

I don't know what you folks are on about... I've had one for 6 years now, and have been playing it nearly the entire time, and not only has it never spawned, but I also still only have the one tipper...

Maybe the spawnage is dependant on having mulitple tippers???

Hransluts???

Or is the proper term bodhr-gies?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: CraigS
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 04:06 PM

I have noticed that there seem to be more bodhrans about since the UK government banned handguns. I would personally like to see an upsurgence of Auld Black Flutes, which now seem so rare as to require protected status. Incidentally, I have found that a clarinet is very effective against a ranged bank of bodhrans, if rather unpopular with the tin whistle contingent, who seem to regard it as unethical.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 03:54 PM

To quote and paraphrase before it offends....

You've only got the rythmn, I bet it really irks...
It makes lots and lots of Bodhrains, cos it never ever works..

LTS

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: smallpiper
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 02:52 PM

The application of a stout staff to the back of the bodhran owners head usually does the trick! I was once at a session which was completely taken over by spoon players (oxymoron I know)and I mean completely. All the musicians left I think I was the last one to finish me pint and get out - I just couldn't believe it was happening I still get flash backs and have had years of therapy to help me get over the problem - hence the belief in strong arm tactics.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: weerover
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 01:04 PM

Declan,

I have heard it suggested that the withdrawal method is more appropriate

wr

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Declan
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:44 PM

If bodhran players want to avoid reporduction they might occasionally like to try the rhythm method !

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Declan
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:25 PM

Good to see some quality BS returning to the forum.

What have bodhrans ever done for us, apart from the headaches, the bad rhythm, the loud noise ...

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: artbrooks
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:23 PM

Ah, you guys are all confused. You're missing the core of the reproductive process. You see, the male of the species drummus bodhrani is THE TIPPER, as can be plainly seen by its shape and how it moves. After all, what (male) bodhran player's first lesson in holding the tipper didn't start with "hold it like you were"...never mind. The female of the species, as with many others, is the one that makes all of the noise and is often painted in pretty designs. Some are perfectly content to have multiple partners, and others prefer staying with one tipper. There is a small subset of bodhrans who prefer to reproduce without the assistance and participation of a tipper. These individuals, who are valuable in their own right and should not be subjected to disparaging comments of any kind, are called tamborines.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,BBC Newsflash
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:16 PM

Her Majesty's Anti-Percussion Forces were today put on red alert as intelligence reports suggested that a number of identified notorious Bodhranii were converging on the Hollydale Tavern and The Anchor in South-East London.

Amongst those thought to be heading towards Nunhead from their temporary base at Drumcree are Ringo McDonagh, Malachy Kearns, Gino Lupari, John Joe Kelly and Cathy Jordon.

A representative of HMAPF was quoted as saying "Not only do we appear to have some of the most notorious batterers in the world converging upon a peaceful part of our fair capital city, but reports indicate that a dangerous new "fast-breeder" device has been developed. This adds up to a most worrying situation."

Newsnight has a special report on this growing menace later tonight.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Davetnova
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:12 PM

I'm sure if we could persuade them to practice a safe form of congress with their tipper, perhaps by the wearing of a thick rubber or foam sheath closely fitted to the length of said tipper, it may slow the poulation growth.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Ronnie Drew
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:11 PM

Me oul bodhran kittled one night at a fleadh
Instead of one bodhran, I gained me a scra
Says I to myself, my oul' drum was a ma
And the litter kicked up a commotion

Bodhranii, bodhranii, I can't give them for free
In frame drums I find myself up to the knee
They're breeding like rabbits, but more noisily
And me peace is most cruelly shattered

(Shout from stage left ... Ah, musha Ronnie, ye oul' glipe! Give over the "funny" stuff and l'ave it to Chrishty!")

I will so, then, Barney! Sorry!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,derrymacash
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:09 PM

That was the way he imagined it.

More likely that the original bodhran was a pregnant sow and littered in its warm "nest".

You couldn't be up to the bodhrans!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 12:05 PM

I knew someone who bought a bodhran. He left it on the back seat of his car and went off into the town to do some shopping. He suddenly realised after a short while that he'd forgotten to lock the car, and rushed back to where he'd parked it. Unfortunately he was too late, someone had opened the door and chucked two more bodhrans inside.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Paddy Moloney
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 11:58 AM

Any room for a small one?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Ringo McDonagh
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 11:57 AM

I'm your man, Mal!

C'mon there, you shower o' hoors! Shove your oul' asses up the bench and gi' a man room to give it a rattle!

Donal ... start us aff on "Kid On The Mountain", would ye?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,Malachy Kearns
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 11:55 AM

Holy Jayz, Ringo. Sounds like a job for the pair of us! I'm gittin' a flashback to all thon oul' Drumcree bollix of a quare while ago!

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,derrymacash
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 11:42 AM

Has anyone attempted to incubate a shaky egg?

Presumably the result is nothing so mundane as a shaky chicken?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 11:16 AM

The gestation period for bodhrans is roughly one year. That is the length of time that it takes for the owner of the brood-sow bodhran to become proficient enough to make five or six session spectators go, "Gee, (s)he makes it look so easy I just know I can do it too!"

Unfortunately, there are a number of irresponsible bodhran breeders out there. Responsible breeders include a prepaid six-month course at the bodhran obedience school with the purchase of one of their pups. Irresponsible breeders make no such provisions and their whelps often show up at sessions long before they have learned to behave themselves.

Even worse, the mamma bodhrans occasionally miscarry or give premature birth resulting in tambourines, shakey eggs and various other percussion monstrosities. Responsible bodhran breeders see that such offspring are promptly euthanized.

Bruce

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,yer man
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 10:57 AM

I have noticed in similar sessions that juveniles tend not to be so adept as adults and so there are occasions when each seem to make music which has little to do with the music being made by each other and even less to do with the music being made by the musicians.

I have had ocasion to remark on the laziness of the bodhran. Apart from when being bludgeoned by a small club, they sulk idly and make not a noise. Mind you, a good battering with such a club, when issued over-enthusiastically, seems to have an adverse effect.

However, I was wondering if such batterings as a bodhran receives inevitably leads to a short lifespan and whether, therefore, Mother Nature (bless her!) has compensated by the spectacularly short gestation period and rapid maturity observed by our friend derrymacash?

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 10:50 AM

Never mind how they reproduce. IT IS HOW DO WE STOP IT.

Subject: RE: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: mooman
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 10:45 AM

And let us not forget that for each bodhran there must be one or more tippers...

This may well pose a significant thread to both the goat and hardwood populations and, in the case of highly trained bodranii, possibly also rare and endangered exotic hardwoods.

So both a societal and environmental problem in the making...

mooman

P.S. derrymacash...did these five bodrans exhibit the tendency they sometimes display to agglomerate into a "wall of noise" in your session?

Subject: The reproductive capacity of bodhrans
From: GUEST,derrymacash
Date: 28 Nov 02 - 10:25 AM

I was at a session a few weeks ago where a fellow sessioneer brought along a bodhran.

It would appear that said bodhran was in a state of advanced pregnancy at the time, because when I returned a few weeks later, there were 5 bodhrans – which I assumed to be the mother plus her young litter.

The young seem to have grown remarkably, having - as far this untrained eye could tell - attained almost the same size as mammy in a matter of days. (Some of them, however, seemed to display the skittishness of juvenility, being not so disciplined in their musicality as mammy! Others, adopting the current street fashion of body art, were tattooed with various garish celtic designs.)

Two questions haunted me all night, which I feel compelled to put to the erudite people who frequent this hallowed space.

How long does it take a bodhran to attain reproductive maturity? What is the gestation period?

If, as I suspect on the basis of limited observations, the answer in both cases is weeks rather than months, then I am expecting a population by next summer which could number well into the hundreds.