Lyrics & Knowledge Personal Pages Record Shop Auction Links Radio & Media Kids Membership Help
The Mudcat Cafesj

Post to this Thread - Sort Descending - Printer Friendly - Home


BS: Jokes.

Apache 31 May 03 - 12:56 PM
Rapparee 31 May 03 - 02:45 PM
The Walrus 31 May 03 - 03:59 PM
dwditty 31 May 03 - 06:21 PM
Jim Dixon 17 Jun 03 - 10:24 PM
LadyJean 18 Jun 03 - 12:26 AM
Mr Red 18 Jun 03 - 06:08 AM
Teribus 18 Jun 03 - 06:40 AM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Jun 03 - 11:27 AM
Shields Folk 18 Jun 03 - 11:36 AM
Watson 18 Jun 03 - 11:56 AM
Rapparee 18 Jun 03 - 12:22 PM
Amos 18 Jun 03 - 08:51 PM
Shields Folk 19 Jun 03 - 12:59 PM
The Walrus 19 Jun 03 - 02:49 PM
GUEST,noddy 20 Jun 03 - 05:49 AM
GUEST 20 Jun 03 - 04:38 PM
Amos 20 Jun 03 - 05:25 PM
Bill D 20 Jun 03 - 09:35 PM
Bill D 20 Jun 03 - 09:36 PM
Louie Roy 20 Jun 03 - 11:35 PM
michaelr 21 Jun 03 - 12:35 PM
Laurent 21 Jun 03 - 07:23 PM
Bat Goddess 22 Jun 03 - 03:21 PM
Larkin 22 Jun 03 - 03:34 PM
Rapparee 22 Jun 03 - 08:06 PM
Bev and Jerry 23 Jun 03 - 01:25 AM
Mr Red 23 Jun 03 - 06:57 AM
Schantieman 23 Jun 03 - 12:05 PM
Jim Dixon 01 Jul 03 - 12:10 AM
Rapparee 29 Jul 03 - 06:06 PM
Cluin 29 Jul 03 - 06:16 PM
Ralphie 30 Jul 03 - 12:46 AM
GUEST,VOXFOX 30 Jul 03 - 01:37 PM
GUEST,voxfox 30 Jul 03 - 01:38 PM
Rapparee 30 Jul 03 - 02:24 PM
Bill D 30 Jul 03 - 03:46 PM
Sandra in Sydney 31 Jul 03 - 09:55 AM
Amos 31 Jul 03 - 12:24 PM
Kim C 01 Aug 03 - 10:11 AM
Forsh 01 Aug 03 - 12:08 PM
fogie 01 Aug 03 - 12:50 PM
Rapparee 01 Aug 03 - 01:15 PM
Kim C 01 Aug 03 - 01:21 PM
Chief Chaos 02 Aug 03 - 10:43 AM
Forsh 02 Aug 03 - 04:49 PM
Forsh 02 Aug 03 - 04:53 PM
Bert 02 Aug 03 - 05:18 PM
Forsh 02 Aug 03 - 06:17 PM
Amos 03 Aug 03 - 01:14 PM
Li'l Aussie Bleeder 03 Aug 03 - 05:24 PM
beadie 04 Aug 03 - 11:23 AM
Rapparee 07 Aug 03 - 02:54 PM
Stephen L. Rich 07 Aug 03 - 06:47 PM
katlaughing 24 Aug 03 - 02:02 PM
Rapparee 24 Aug 03 - 02:18 PM
wysiwyg 24 Aug 03 - 02:28 PM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Aug 03 - 02:43 PM
jacqui c 24 Aug 03 - 03:01 PM
Joe_F 24 Aug 03 - 08:03 PM
Bill D 25 Aug 03 - 12:08 AM
Rapparee 25 Aug 03 - 09:00 AM
Uncle_DaveO 25 Aug 03 - 10:07 AM
GUEST,ribkie 25 Aug 03 - 03:11 PM
GUEST,heric 25 Aug 03 - 06:54 PM
Amos 25 Aug 03 - 08:41 PM
Uncle_DaveO 25 Aug 03 - 09:12 PM
Joe_F 26 Aug 03 - 06:33 PM
The Walrus 30 Aug 03 - 06:00 AM
Uncle_DaveO 30 Aug 03 - 10:11 AM
Bill D 30 Aug 03 - 11:35 AM
Uncle_DaveO 03 Sep 03 - 11:49 AM
Bardford 03 Sep 03 - 11:55 AM
GUEST 30 Sep 03 - 01:20 PM
Tam the Bam (Nutter) 01 Oct 03 - 11:27 AM
Pseudolus 01 Oct 03 - 01:26 PM
Cool Beans 01 Oct 03 - 01:36 PM
Amos 01 Oct 03 - 03:27 PM
GUEST,productmedia.net 08 Jun 06 - 02:07 PM
GUEST,Mack 08 Jun 06 - 02:19 PM
wlisk 08 Jun 06 - 02:48 PM
Peace 08 Jun 06 - 02:50 PM
Bill D 08 Jun 06 - 03:49 PM
mrdux 09 Jun 06 - 01:19 AM
Dave Hanson 09 Jun 06 - 01:32 AM
freda underhill 09 Jun 06 - 10:44 AM
GUEST,Georgiansilver 09 Jun 06 - 02:52 PM
Divis Sweeney 12 Jun 06 - 06:38 PM
Uncle_DaveO 23 Jun 06 - 09:59 AM
katlaughing 23 Jun 06 - 11:38 AM
katlaughing 25 Jun 06 - 11:49 PM
freda underhill 05 Jul 06 - 10:26 PM
Uncle_DaveO 06 Jul 06 - 11:12 AM
JohnInKansas 07 Jul 06 - 05:22 AM
JohnInKansas 07 Jul 06 - 05:37 AM
Jim Dixon 07 Jul 06 - 11:41 AM
Divis Sweeney 03 Aug 06 - 12:55 PM
Bill D 03 Aug 06 - 01:10 PM
freda underhill 25 Aug 06 - 10:52 AM
Leadfingers 25 Aug 06 - 05:42 PM
Uncle_DaveO 29 Aug 06 - 08:38 PM
frogprince 30 Aug 06 - 01:01 PM
GUEST, Fizzy 30 Aug 06 - 03:45 PM
jeffp 30 Aug 06 - 03:48 PM
GUEST, Fizzy 30 Aug 06 - 03:57 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 30 Aug 06 - 04:49 PM
GUEST,Fizzy 30 Aug 06 - 04:53 PM
GUEST 30 Aug 06 - 06:02 PM
Uncle_DaveO 02 Sep 06 - 08:47 AM
Uncle_DaveO 02 Sep 06 - 09:06 PM
The Sandman 03 Sep 06 - 06:20 PM
Uncle_DaveO 05 Sep 06 - 04:20 PM
Pseudolus 20 Sep 06 - 02:57 PM

Share Thread
more
Lyrics & Knowledge Search [Advanced]
DT  Forum
Sort (Forum) by:relevance date
DT Lyrics:













Subject: BS: Jokes.
From: Apache
Date: 31 May 03 - 12:56 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


So what jokes do people know, c'mon, make me laugh, as rude and as crude as you want.

Ill start...

A policeman pulls over a man, late one night for drunk driving, the man gets out of the car obviously sober, the policeman ansks him to breathe into the bretherlator.

The man asks him why he pulled him over? "Was I weaving the lanes?" "Was my speed too high?"

The officers reply was "No, it was the fat, ugly bird in the passanger seat that had me suspicious."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 May 03 - 02:45 PM

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class,

"Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

---------------
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

----------------
George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and George asks him what his name is.

"Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "Okay where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand; George points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve."

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?; Fourth -- why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"

--------------

Once upon a time, a female brain cell mistakenly wandered into a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Finally, she heard a voice from far, far away:
        "Hello...we're down here..."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: The Walrus
Date: 31 May 03 - 03:59 PM

Three men and a woman turn up at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter looks at the woman and asks her how she died.

"I was at home when my husband burst into the apartment, shouting and swearing, accusing me of adultery, demanded to know where my lover was. Then he hit me, I fell backward, hit my head and fractured my skull."

St. Peter turns to the first man, "And you?"

"I'm her husband," says man No. 1, "I came home in a rage. I was convinced she had her lover in the flat. Yes I hit her, but I didn't know I'd killed her. I searched the flat. I'm sure he was there, but I couldn't find him. Then, in my rage and frustration, I threw the refrigerator out of the window. The effort was too much and I had a fatal heart attack".

St. Peter grunted and turned to the second man.

"There I was," said the second man, "walking down the street, minding my own business, when I was hit by a fridge thrown from a fourth floor window, it killed me."

St. Peter was looked at the third man and merely raised an eyebrow.

"Ah!" says man No. 3. "There I was, minding my own business, sitting in this fridge..."

I won't bother getting my coat, it's warm enough.

Walrus.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: dwditty
Date: 31 May 03 - 06:21 PM

Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street. One pulled up short, patting himself and said to his friend. "Damn, I must have dropped an electron." His friend said, "Are you sure?" The first atom replied, "Yeah, I'm positive."

dw


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Jun 03 - 10:24 PM

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, and a warm gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: LadyJean
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 12:26 AM

George W. Bush and his brother Jeb went down to Florida, on a fishing trip. Their first stop on this fishing trip was Madame Lucille's New Orleans Style House Of Whoopee. Madame Lucille was delighted to have two such distinguished guests, but she said, "Mr. President, Mr. Governor, I don't want my girls to get pregnant, so I want you to wear these condoms."
A couple of days later, George and Jeb were out in their boat fishing. It was a warm day. The sun was reflecting off the water. They were both pretty hot. George said to his brother, "Jeb, do you really care if those whores get pregnant?" "No," said Jeb. "Great! George said. "Lets take the condoms off".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 06:08 AM

In a sectret (large) hotel somwhere near the Syrian border the annual convention of Sadman look-alikes is in session.

"OK guys, good news and bad news." (amid cheers) "Saddam is alive"
"and the bad news........." (silence) "is, he has lost an arm............."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Teribus
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 06:40 AM

Sometimes it does take a Rocket Scientist:

During the testing phase of the Concorde, the scientists involved had to make a gun to fire dead birds at the cockpit windows of the aircraft to simulate the effect of "bird-strike". They duly made the gun and used dead chickens as a representative sized bird. The tests went well.

At the same time in America they were developing a high speed train. Hearing of the British trials, one of their team noted that the landing speed of Concorde was roughly that of the train they wanted to build so they asked the engineers if they could have a gun to perform the same tests on the cabin windows of the locomotive.

The gun was delivered, set up and they carried out the first test. The American engineers were aghast when the chicken smashed through the drivers cab window, completely destroyed the back-rest of the drivers chair and embedded itself in the aft bulkhead of the drivers cabin.

They went over all the test data, and not coming up with a reason for the test result, they submitted their test data, reems and reems of it, to British Aerospace in case they could come up with an explanation.

In reply they received a one line memo:

DEFROST THE CHICKEN.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:27 AM

Jogging Shoes
--------------
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please Pronounce
-----------------
Two tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching a town called Tatamagouche, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr... gerrrrrr ... Kiiiing!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Shields Folk
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:36 AM

My mate found a young woman tied up on a railway line last night.He untied her and had amazing sex all night.

He's hoping for a blow job tonight if he can find her head....


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Watson
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 11:56 AM

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child, " he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.
When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with you knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess....."Small Cox?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 12:22 PM

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Ohio. They're still way too cold and wet to burn."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 18 Jun 03 - 08:51 PM

These are the winners of a New York magazine contest in which
contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language,
change a
single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS
Can you drive a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO
Lost in the mail

VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered

COGITO EGGO SUM
I think; therefore I waffle

RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish

QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
The king is dead. No kidding.

PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown

MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old

FELIX NAVIDAD
Our cat has a boat

HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food

VENI, VIDI, VICE
I came, I saw, I partied

QUIP PRO QUO
Fast retort

ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know

VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it

AMICUS PURIAE
Platonic friend

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO
I'm bossy around here

COGITO, ERGO SPUD
I think, therefore I yam
(OK, more than one letter)

VENI, VIDI, VELCRO
I came, I saw, I stuck around
(OK, another exception)

ICH BIT EIN BERLINER
He deserved it.

ZITGEIST
The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.

E PLURIBUS ANUM
Out of any group, there's always one asshole.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Shields Folk
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 12:59 PM

A bloke sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.

The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals.

Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a f**king liar. He's never done any of that stuff ...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: The Walrus
Date: 19 Jun 03 - 02:49 PM

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest when she saw the Wolf crouching behind a rock,
"Oh My, Mister Wolf" she said, "What big ears you have!".
The wolf looked up and ran up the path.
A little further on she saw the wolf crouching behind a bush,
"Oh my, Mr Wolf, what big eyes you have!"
The wolf looked up and ran a little way up the track.
A few minutes later sshe saw the wolf trying to hide behind a tree,
"Oh my, Mr Wolf, What big teeth you have!"
The wolf looked up, bared his teeth and said,
"Beat it Kid, I'm trying to take a crap!".


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 05:49 AM

A cruise liner sinks and everyone dies except for the magicians two rabbits who float ashore on a desert island in the top hat.
The island is paradise for rabbits excellent food ,no predators just good rabbit living.So rabbits do what rabbits do and soon there are twelve bouncing baby bunny rabbits ..all female. the Buck rabbit cares for them and soon he does what rabbits do. But all being family he is very polite and always says "Thank you madam, Thank you Madam after each time.
Soon they to have twelve bouncing baby bunny rabbits and again ALL female. So on he goes getting fitter and stronger he runs round the island and shouts thankyou madam, thank you madam thank you madam all day long every day.
Now each and every one of the rabbits has twelve bouncing baby bunny rabbits and again all are female.
The buck is in heaven running round the island "Thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam thank you madam..... all day long.
Eventually he has a baby boy bouncing bunny rabbit . His pride and joy and he brings him up a polite good boy bunny rabbit. Then comes the day the son is ready to do what rabbits do. Daddy rabbit says "now son remember your manners they are all family so ALWAYS say thank you madam."
"Yes dad Yes Dad Can I start now Yes Dad". His enthusiasm was obvious.

"Right what we will do is I will go round this way and you go round that way and Always say Thank you madam." says daddy rabbit and off they go.

"YEs Dad Yes Dad" and off he shot.

Daddy rabbit was steady Thank you madam .. thank you madam.. thank you madam... thank you madam...

Baby rabbit was going like a train.. thankyou madam thankyou madam thankyou madam thankyou madam sorry dad thank you madam .


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 04:38 PM

refresh ;-)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 05:25 PM

Yo, Firecat -- tell'em the one about the Secret Agent trial...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 09:35 PM

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 09:36 PM

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhhh...they're getting closer."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Louie Roy
Date: 20 Jun 03 - 11:35 PM

A lady walks into a record store and asks the clerk in he had red lips and blue eyes.He said no mam,but I have two balls and six inches.She said is that a record and he said no but it is a damn good average


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: michaelr
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 12:35 PM

A woman walks into a drug store and asks for batteries.

The clerk waggles a crooked forefinger and says, "Come this way."

The woman says, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need batteries."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Laurent
Date: 21 Jun 03 - 07:23 PM

From Belgium.

French people usually laugh three times.

First when you tell them a joke, next when you explain it and last when they understand it.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 03:21 PM

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wakeup, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him, "Midnight." He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Larkin
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 03:34 PM

There's two old guys sitting in a bar and one says 'I just got a job' What is it? asks the other. "I'm working in the gents at piccadilly"
Oh how is it ? says the other guy. " Horrible and disgusting , there's guys cruisin guys and condoms everywhere, there's junkies shooting up and needles everywhere. Y'know last week a guy came in for a shit - It was like a breath of fresh air !


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 03 - 08:06 PM

One of the locals, man name o' Jake, came in around 2 a.m., stinkin' drunk, from a poker game with the boys. He knew that he was going to catch hell if his wife found out when he came in -- he figgered he could explain away the hangover as a touch of flu.

Jake quietly closed the door and decided to take off his shoes before he went upstairs. It'd be quieter.

He knew that he'd made a big mistake as soon as he sat down on the step. The empty pint bottle in his back pocket let him know that.

Jake didn't scream. He quietly went into the downstairs bathroom and, with great difficulty, pulled out all of the broken glass and gave himself first aid. He then removed his shoes and managed to get upstairs into bed without awakening his wife.

Next thing he knew was when the bucket of cold mopwater hit him. It was 6:30 and his wife was holding the empty bucket.

"So!" she yelled. "You came in drunk again last night! And don't bother to deny it!!

Jake held his head in both hands. For obvious reasons he'd been sleeping on his back, and now she hit his very sensitive gluteal area with the broom!

With a yell he jumped to his feet, a move that nearly killed him.

"Yes! I came in drunk! I'm sorry! I suffered for it! I sat on an empty bottle! I was drunk! But...but...how did you know?" he stammered.

"Because," she said, "I just looked in the downstairs bathroom and there are bandaids all over the mirror."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 01:25 AM

George Bush was giving a press conference and one of the reporters asked, "Why did we go to war in Iraq?" Dubya looked down at the note cards that had been carefully prepared for him and one of them had only the number 710 on it so he said, "We had 710 good reasons to go to war in Iraq." Then Ari Fleischer leaned over to him and said, "Sir, I believe you're holding that card upside down."

Bev and Jerry


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 06:57 AM

Bat Goddess

Bit unfair that one - I am in a very public library and I just wanted to hoot with laughter. Guess I will just have wait till I get home.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Schantieman
Date: 23 Jun 03 - 12:05 PM

Bill D's rooster joke is reminiscent of the late lamented Jake Thackeray's Bantam Cock.   LOL :-D

Steve


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Jul 03 - 12:10 AM

At O'Hare airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public-school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in the possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 06:06 PM

A crusty old Marine Corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?”

“No,” the colonel said, “just serious by nature!”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

The colonel’s short reply was, “Yes, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little—relax and enjoy yourself.”

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

The colonel looked at her and replied, “1955.”

She said, “Well, there you go! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955—isn’t that a little extreme?”

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “Oh, I don’t know. It’s only 2130 now!”


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Cluin
Date: 29 Jul 03 - 06:16 PM

Must've been told by a Marine Corps Drill Sargent then.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Ralphie
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 12:46 AM

Please tell me, where am I going to buy old guitars now that the Americans have eliminated "E-Bay Hussein"?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,VOXFOX
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 01:37 PM

Two Newfies walk into a pub, standing at the bar drinking beer and talking about world affairs. Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a codfish sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the guys looks at her and says," Kin yer swaller?"   She shakes her head. "Kin yer breathe?" The woman bsgins to turn blue and shakes her head.   The Newfie walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Newfie walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind-Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before!" :o) VF


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,voxfox
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 01:38 PM

My cookie's been stolen again!!!!!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 02:24 PM

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the
bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't
find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of
the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping,
a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning
toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this
British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Jul 03 - 03:46 PM

Senior Citizen Wedding

George, age 92, and Alice, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in. George addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

George: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

George: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

George: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

George: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

George: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

George: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

George: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

George says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 09:55 AM

Found at :

I'll never look at spam the same way again...

MARKETING 101

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and
say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and
pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
-- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him, and
get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and
straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a
drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his
tie
brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then
say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to
you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him
into going home with your friend.
-- That's a Sales Rep

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
-- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that
there could be handsome men in all these houses you're
passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated
toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!"
-- That's Spam.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jul 03 - 12:24 PM

LOL!

A


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Kim C
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 10:11 AM

All right, I post this one everytime, but it really is my favorite dumb little joke. For some strange reason it never fails to elicit at least a snicker.

Q. Why were the Three Wise Men all covered in soot?

A. Because they'd come from afar.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 12:08 PM

My mate asked me what a shitz tsu was (if that's how it's spelled), before I could reply, Dan chips in with "one with no Animals" !


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: fogie
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 12:50 PM

From Harry Potter- Sirius and Harry are in the Ministry of magic when two wizards come by carrying a cardboard box. Sirius asks them what is in the box, and they reply Now thats a very good question ,we thought it was a bog standard chicken till it started breathing fire. (I really liked that)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 01:15 PM

There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

----------------

Bumper sticker on a Volkswagen: FEATURE.




...now let's see how may REAL geeks are on the 'Cat!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Kim C
Date: 01 Aug 03 - 01:21 PM

Shih Tzu. And everyone says it wrong. It's Shee-Soo... not shitzoo.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 10:43 AM

Shih Tsu is as bad as Bijon Freise which my friends all pronounce
Bitchin Frisbee!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 04:49 PM

Yeah Kim. I know, But it aint funny that way. My wife ruins all my jokes too. Funny, she's called... Kim, is that you?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 04:53 PM

Hey, Bill D,   to quote my old man, 'That Reminds Me of A song: Bantam Cock , by Jake Thakerey or sumfin like dat.

If at first you don't succeed, ..
Hide all evidence that you even tried.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bert
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 05:18 PM

LOL Rapaire, Oops, does that make me a geek?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Forsh
Date: 02 Aug 03 - 06:17 PM

For A laf, for blokes mainly, try this site:CLICK ME


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 03 Aug 03 - 01:14 PM

LOL, Rapaire. That Volswagen joke is pretty good!

A


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Li'l Aussie Bleeder
Date: 03 Aug 03 - 05:24 PM

Q: What do you do if you hear an Elephant coming through your front window.
A: SWIM!!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: beadie
Date: 04 Aug 03 - 11:23 AM

This is, I swear, absolute truth.

A local dog breeder advertised in the Madison, Wi. "Wisconsin State Journal" selling pups (presumably) resulting from the union of a Shih Tzu dog and a Poodle bitch.

   "For Sale.   Shittypoo pups. - 1 male 3 female - Available 1 June."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 02:54 PM

Y'allbonics

NOT TO BE OUT DONE BY EBONICS IN CALIFORNIA, THE SOUTHERN ASSOCIATION OF COLLEGES AND SCHOOLS IS REQUESTING BILLIONS OF FEDERAL DOLLARS TO TEACH "Y'ALLBONICS" IN ALL CLASSROOMS SOUTH OF THE MASON-DIXON LINE. INCLUDED HERE ARE SOME SAMPLES OF Y'ALLBONICS. IF YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANY OF THEM, CONTACT YOUR CLOSEST SOUTHERN BUBBA FOR AN EXPLANATION.....

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My
brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh
ba rd my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts.."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a coke."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage
"Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank
I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from
Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my
brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh
don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch
far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "I hope that brother of mine
from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek
don't rise, sure hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or
combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh ass."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners
are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a
wurdhe sed... must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas; Oxygen. Usage "He cain't
breathe...give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away
from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my
brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haz e ignert.
Heain't thanked but a minnit n'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New
York City... view?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 07 Aug 03 - 06:47 PM

The good news: Love will find you.

The bad news: Love will find you.


Stephen Lee


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 02:02 PM

Exciting Historical information you need to know
about shipping Manure:

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's
invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and
the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!


Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I always thought it was a golf term.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 02:18 PM

"YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN..."
                (2003 EDITION)


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

10. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

16. You can spit without opening your mouth.

17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

20. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.

25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 02:28 PM

True: Hardi knew a fella who came home so drunk one night, he opened the closet door and peed all over his clothes before going to bed.

Joke, "Car Names You Will Never Ever See": Ford Feces, Hyundai Hemmorhoid

(your turn)

~S~


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 02:43 PM

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie
came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no
crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, 'I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons.' Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: jacqui c
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 03:01 PM

Ted was speaking to the vicar of his church. "I have a problem, he confessed, "my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons, and it is very embarrassing."

"I know just the thing" the vicar replied. "Take this hat pin, and when I see her nod off I'll motion you to give her a little jab."

The following Sunday off went Ted, his wife and the pin. Before long the vicar saw Ted's wife dozing so he began his plan. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he asked, nodding to Ted. "JESUS" cried Ted's wife as he jabbed her with the pin. "That's right!" continued the vicar. Soon she was off again, so the vicar continued "And who is your redeemer?" and nodded to Ted. "GOD!" the poor woman yelled. "Right again!" said the vicar, smiling.

Before long Ted's wife was off again, but the vicar was getting so carried away with his sermon that he was shaking his head wildly. Ted mistook the signals and gave his wife a hefty jab just as the vicar was asking "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Ted's wife shrieked.....

"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in two and shove it up your a**e!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Aug 03 - 08:03 PM

I just heard this one: For Freud, what came between fear and sex?

Answer: Fumph.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 12:08 AM

Q:..what is a "mistress"
A:..something between "mister" and "matress"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 09:00 AM

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here
tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 10:07 AM

If Attorneys had brains... or, Cross-Examinations can be fun!

   Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
   A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
   Q: And why did that upset you?
   A: My name is Susan.

   Q: What is your date of birth?
   A: July fifteenth.
   Q: What year?
   A: Every year.

   Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
   A: I forget.
   Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

   Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
   A: Oral.

   Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
   A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
   Q: How long has he lived with you?
   A: Forty-five years.

   Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
   A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

   Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
   A: We both do.
   Q: Voodoo?
   A: We do.
   Q: You do?
   A: Yes, voodoo.

   Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And what were you doing at that time?

   Q: She had three children, right?
   A: Yes.
   Q: How many were boys?
   A: None.
   Q: Were there any girls?

   Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

   Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
   A: I went to Europe, sir.
   Q: And you took your new wife?

   Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
   A: By death.
   Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

   Q: Can you describe the individual?
   A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
   Q: Was this a male, or a female?

   Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
   A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

   Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
   A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

   Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
   A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
   Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
   A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

   Questions withdrawn...

   Q: And the youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
   Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
   Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
   Q: Now the defendant, did he kill you?
   Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
   Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
   Q: You were there until the time you left; is that true?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,ribkie
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 03:11 PM

I've always wanted to try this one out just to see the expression on the shop assistant's face. Can never see a wasp when you want one!


a guy walks into a pet shop and says to the assistant "I'd like to buy a wasp please"
The assistant says "sorry we do not sell wasps"
the guy say's well you've got one in the window!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 06:54 PM

A penguin was driving from Needles to Barstow in weather that was well over 100 degrees F when he experienced engine trouible. He managed to pull into the next small town, and drove to the gas station, where a mechanic was luckily on duty. The mechanic said he would have look-see and the penguin asked politely whether there was a place nearby where he could get himself some ice cream. "Down one block on the left" said the mechanic and the penguin cheerily waddled away. As he walked back from in the blistering heat, he had a tough time with the ice cream melting so fast, getting it all over his face and down the front. When he finally made it to back to the gas station, the mechanic rolled out from underneath the car and said "it looks like you've blown a seal." "No, it's ice cream," said the penguin.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 08:41 PM

Heric:

Go to your room!!!


:>)


A


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Aug 03 - 09:12 PM

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing
with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review
his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr,
we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live
and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an
obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to
eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant
grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you
were going to want me to pay with cash."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Aug 03 - 06:33 PM

Q. Why do so many people smoke after intercourse?
A. Inadequate lubrication.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: The Walrus
Date: 30 Aug 03 - 06:00 AM

Here's a joke lifted from another site
WARNING Prepare to groan.:-

Walrus.


A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers:

"Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Aug 03 - 10:11 AM

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW...SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.   The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a
new sign:
SLOW...CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've
got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be
something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 30 Aug 03 - 11:35 AM

GROANERS FOR ALL THE LEXOPHILES ..lovers of words

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your
count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum
blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Sep 03 - 11:49 AM

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Chad in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Don said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Don is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Don isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.   He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works.

Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Don said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedal-file ?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters ..

Don't worry about anything we are fine.

Love,
Timothy


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bardford
Date: 03 Sep 03 - 11:55 AM


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Sep 03 - 01:20 PM

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Tam the Bam (Nutter)
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 11:27 AM

Did you know that all Police horses are female, I heard a man say 'god look at the pussy on that.'
I know it's not funny but I like it.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Pseudolus
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 01:26 PM

They also have two assholes.....my brother and I own a horse and every where we ride it people comment, "Hey, look at the two assholes on that horse!"

Actually, I'm kidding, I don't own a horse, however my brother is an asshole!!!   Alright I'm lying about that too! HAHA


Frank


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Cool Beans
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 01:36 PM

Two families move from Iraq to America. When they
arrive, the fathers make each other a rather large
bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has
become more American will win.

A year later when they meet again, the first guy
says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's
for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case
of Bud for tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says, "Fuck you, towel-head"!
--


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Amos
Date: 01 Oct 03 - 03:27 PM

Cool BEans:

A very, very sad story!


A


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,productmedia.net
Date: 08 Jun 06 - 02:07 PM

so this baby seal walks into a club.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,Mack
Date: 08 Jun 06 - 02:19 PM

A man on his way to work saw a small boy with a dos. The dosg had a for sale sign around his neck. He asked the boy how much he wanted for the dog, The boy said $50,000 bucks. The man said good luck selling that dog.

On his way home there was the same boy with two cats for sale. He saked him if he sold the dog. the boy said yes. He asked him if he got his asking price. The boy said yes. The man said that is umbelievable. The boy said I just took two $25,000 cats in trade.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: wlisk
Date: 08 Jun 06 - 02:48 PM

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings, then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!"

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN, RUN!!"   The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The Umpire calls "Walk". The batter starts his slow trot to first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, run!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notes that man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls"

The Scot stands up and screams "Walk with pride, Laddie, walk with pride!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Peace
Date: 08 Jun 06 - 02:50 PM

The Bee Sting

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee."

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole" she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Jun 06 - 03:49 PM

Three cowboys are out on the range talking about sex. "The rodeo position is my favorite," one says. I don't think I ever heard of that one, says the second. What is it asked the third? The first replies: You mount your lady from behind, reach around and grab her breasts, and whisper in her ear : "These feel just like your sister's" - and then try to hold on for 8 seconds.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was reading a paper at a cafe; the headline on the front article said "12 Brazilian soldiers killed".

She turned to the person at the next table and asked, "How many are in a Brazilian?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: mrdux
Date: 09 Jun 06 - 01:19 AM

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Duluth. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Two Harbors. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head in amazement and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."


    VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot and continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

    BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag and pulls out a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down and hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole sadly shakes his head: "First dere was Sven with his
budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting. . . and now Lars. . . hengliding....."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 Jun 06 - 01:32 AM

The UK government is doing a Nationla Health survey about penis size, to make the count easier they have requested all men with a penis of less than 2 inches to display a white flag with a red cross on it.

eric


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: freda underhill
Date: 09 Jun 06 - 10:44 AM

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says 'What the hell was that all about?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Jun 06 - 02:52 PM

Mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon had slept in the family bed since baby balloons birth. Baby balloon had now grown to such a size that sleeping in the same bed as mummy balloon and daddy balloon was problematic, so:- Mummy balloon said to Baby balloon. "Tonight, baby balloon you are going to sleep in your own bed"
That night baby balloon was put to bed in his own bed but woke at 3am and proceeded to mummy and daddy balloons room. He realised he was too big to squeeze into the bed between mummy balloon and daddy balloon so he let a little air out of daddy balloon...still without success he let a little air out of mummy balloon.....still not enough room to squeeze between his mum and dad so he decided to let a little air out of himself.

In the morning they woke up and mummy balloon in a somewhat distressed tone said...."Oh baby balloon, you were supposed to sleep all night in your own bed and not come into our room.....do you realise you have let your Dad down, you have let me down and you have let yourself down!"

Best wishes, Mike.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Divis Sweeney
Date: 12 Jun 06 - 06:38 PM

One day, at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor"

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies, "There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes about ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot quicker than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woollies. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow" Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Woollies."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woollies, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her rehab
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor)
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Woollies


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jun 06 - 09:59 AM

Teens Observed in the Malls

We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall. We came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living in poverty. Most young men we observed didn't even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group.

But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy's jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some must have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.

It grieved us, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are those who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on Christmas Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.

But here is the saddest part: It was the girls they were hanging out with that disturbed us most. Never, in all of our lives, have we seen such poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys. They all had to wear their little sister's clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could get them on, let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hip bones. Most also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.

However, it was their underwear that bothered us most. They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, had their underwear exposed. We had never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.

We know it saddens your heart to receive this report on the condition of our American teenagers. While we go to bed every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to keep it together. We think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gather at the mall; boys with their short daddies & ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find acceptance. So, next time you are at the mall, doing your shopping, and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say a prayer for them? And one more thing . . . . .

Will you pray the guys' pants won't fall down, and the girls' strings won't break?

Thank you all,

A Concerned Grandmother


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Jun 06 - 11:38 AM

Read this in Reader's Digest in the doc office, yesterday:

There was a lawyer who was quite successful at specialising in liability cases. She wanted more, though, so she added libel as one of her services. She wanted to add insult to injury.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: katlaughing
Date: 25 Jun 06 - 11:49 PM

Non living things have a gender

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.

A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: freda underhill
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 10:26 PM

ps A very cheery Butch staggered home very late after another drinking session with his mate, Kevin. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Cheryl. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Butch sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Butch woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and Cheryl staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Butch?" Butch said, "Why would you say such a thing?" "Well," Cheryl said, "it could be the open front door, ...... it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,....... it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could even be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly Butch....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 11:12 AM

"The Time"

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

"Yes?"

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15." The jogger said thanks and left.

The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"

"8:25!"

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.

To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 05:22 AM

Mergers & Investment Advice for 2005 For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the near future:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 05:37 AM

Hopefully just one musical post won't force this to move back above the line:

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....



















"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 07 Jul 06 - 11:41 AM

All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they didn't think their domain names through! Take note of their "Domain Names"! Some of them are prime candidates for the "What was I thinking?" Award!

1) A site called "Who represents," where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity: www.whorepresents.com.

2) "Experts Exchange," a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views, at www.expertsexchange.com.

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island," at www.penisland.net.

4) Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder," at www.therapistfinder.com.

5) And now we have the "Mole Station Native Nursery," based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com.

6) If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com.

7) Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their wacky Web site: www.speedofart.com.

8) Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure Web site at www.gotahoe.com.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Divis Sweeney
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 12:55 PM

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man, "Paidwch yfed yr dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi" (don't drink the water, it's not nice). The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer move closer.

"Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid crappio yn y dwr!" (Don't boy, the water is not nice. The sheep crap in the water). Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said "Dwr yn ych-y-fi!

Dim yfed!" (the water's dirty don't drink it!) "I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said!" said the man at the in a fine English accent, "Oh I see" said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in..."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Aug 06 - 01:10 PM

To add to the list of mergers John in Kansas posted up there a ways:

Betty Crocker is planning a merger with Anheuser Busch, makers of Budweiser, and will market a new product...PisQuick.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: freda underhill
Date: 25 Aug 06 - 10:52 AM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came
to, he
motioned for her to come nearer.






As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times.






When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed,
you were there.






When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave
me
support.






When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know
what?"






"What dear?" She asked gently.






"I think you bring me bad luck."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Leadfingers
Date: 25 Aug 06 - 05:42 PM

If all the ladies who post in MudCat were laid end to end down Oxford Street , would any one be at all surprised ?

100 !!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 06 - 08:38 PM

"Governmentium"

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of Lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes 1 reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

GOVERNMENTIUM has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become Neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass!"

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium--an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: frogprince
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 01:01 PM

Warning: very bad taste and male-chauvinist-piggery.
Acknowledgement: I got this from the movie "Prarie Home Companion.

"Why do they call it PMS ?"




"Because 'mad cow disease' was already taken"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST, Fizzy
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 03:45 PM

What flower grows underneath your nose?......
tulips (get it?... two lips)ha ha

By the way, what does LOL stand for? ... Lots of love, Lord Oh Lord or what? (this is not a joke so don't expect a punchline).


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: jeffp
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 03:48 PM

By the way, what does LOL stand for?

Laughing Out Loud


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST, Fizzy
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 03:57 PM

Thanks jeffp

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?....
'cos it was dead


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 04:49 PM

Theyre thinking about deleting 'Gullible' from the dictionary


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST,Fizzy
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 04:53 PM

Are they? Why?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Aug 06 - 06:02 PM

Geordie Peorgie;
The best way to do that one is to say to someone 'Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary?' And then watch them look it up. It almost always works.

Mike


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Sep 06 - 08:47 AM

A neurobiology graduate student was working on his dissertation, and went to a brain store to get some brains to complete his lab study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brains offered at this particular store, and questions the proprietor about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?" he asks.

"$3 an ounce," the shopkeeper says.

"That's not too bad," the biology student says, considering his budget. "How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"$12 an ounce," the man says.

The student thinks about the cross-section he needs to make his study rigorous and asks, "OK, how much for a fundamentalist right-wing politician's brain?"

The proprietor lifts an eyebrow and proclaims, "$1,800 an ounce."

"Why is that kind of brain so much more?" the shocked student asks.

"Listen, pal," the busy shopkeeper says. "Do you have any idea how many fundamentalist right-wing politicians we have to harvest to get one ounce of brain?!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Sep 06 - 09:06 PM

"Three Things You Need To Survive"

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that, Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: The Sandman
Date: 03 Sep 06 - 06:20 PM

Two Kerrymen were walking to the pub when they come across a Kerrywoman with a punctured bicycle, so one of the men stops to help, while the other one carries on to get the pints in.

Any way the helpful Kerryman fixes the puncture, and the woman’s so pleased, she lies down on the ground and pulls her knickers off and says, “You can have anything you want.” So he picks up the bicycle and off he goes to the pub.

So later when the helpful Kerryman gets to the pub he tells his friend what had happened “Sure you did the right thing,” says his pal. “The knickers wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.”


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Sep 06 - 04:20 PM

"Golf Tidbits"

In primitive society, when native tribes
beat the ground with clubs and yelled,
it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized
society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his
mind off his work soon takes up work
to get his mind off golf.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now
it has millions of poor players!

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard,
straight and not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf
game: take lessons, practice constantly --
or start cheating.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy
because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people
in the world are those in front of you, and the
fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with
disappointments.

There's no game like golf: you go out with
three friends, play eighteen holes, and
return with three enemies.

Golf got its name because all of the other
four letter words were taken.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes.
From: Pseudolus
Date: 20 Sep 06 - 02:57 PM

A doctor looks at his patient and says, "Well I have good news and I have bad news, what would you like to hear first?" The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate


 


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.



Mudcat time: 15 April 9:36 AM EDT

[ Home ]

All original material is copyright © 1998 by the Mudcat Café Music Foundation, Inc. All photos, music, images, etc. are copyright © by their rightful owners. Every effort is taken to attribute appropriate copyright to images, content, music, etc. We are not a copyright resource.