BS: Musician Jokes

Subject: BS: Musician Jokes
From: ToulouseCruise
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 12:40 PM

Even thought it is music(ian) related, I still think this is a BS: category...

looking for jokes along the lines of..

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 40... one to change the bulb, and 39 to say, "Yeah, he did a pretty good job, but I could do better..."

Brian.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Chris Green
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 12:42 PM

How many folkies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Ten. One to change the lightbulb, two to whinge about how lightbulbs were much better in the 60s and the rest to walk out because it's gone electric!

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Chris Green
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 12:44 PM

What's the best advice you can give a whistle player? Get another useless stick and become a drummer.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: PoppaGator
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 02:41 PM

Q: What do you call a guy who likes to hang out with musicians?

A: a drummer.

[rim shot: ba da BOOM!]

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Chris Green
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 02:48 PM

Not strictly speaking a joke, but I heard the bassoon described today as 'a farting bedpost'. I also like Sir Thomas Beecham's description of the xylophone as 'two skeletons copulating in a tin bath'!

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: ToulouseCruise
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 03:05 PM

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: ToulouseCruise
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 03:09 PM

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 03:15 PM

A man was walking past a grave yard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphoney's playing backwards.He thought to himself "That's wierd" and kept walking.
The next day the same man walked past the same cemetary and heard another one of Beethoven's symphony's playing backward's. He thought to himself "Now that's REALLY wierd!" and kept going.

THe next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetary and heard "Ode to Joy" playing backwards. The man said "I can't take this any more!" he walked up to the caretaker and asked, "What is going on around here?!" the caretaker answered, "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing."

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Chris Green
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 03:16 PM

How do you know when there's a singer at the door? He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in!

How do you know when there's a drummer at the door? The knocking speeds up!

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Chris Green
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 03:16 PM

What steams under the piano? Beethoven's last movement. (Sorry)

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: michaelr
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 03:26 PM

What's the diff between a concertina and an onion?

Nobody cries when you cut up a concertina...

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 07:07 PM

This is a true story.

Jerry drinks tonic water because he requires a small dose of quinine daily to combat a medical problem. However, he's also trying to lose weight so he drinks diet tonic water which contains no sugar. Unfortunately, diet tonic water is a little hard to find around here. One day when we were having a particularly hard time finding it, Bev said, "Why do you have to have diet tonic water? Couldn't you just drink chromatic water?"

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Bobert
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 07:24 PM

How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?

100! One to change the lightbulb and the other 99 to say, "Hey, I can do that!"

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 08:25 PM

This is a true story about my brother. I have to reveal the Awful Family Secret Shame to tell it, but I don't care. After all, it's his Secret Shame, not mine. Anyway, here it is: my brother plays trombone.

Anyway, after he got back from 'Nam he needed money so he took a job with the National Guard Band. They were looking for a trombone tooter and he qualified.

So they're playing this gig in Clinton, Illinois one Fourth of July, and my brother and the drummer -- a black guy and another Vietnam vet -- are sitting in the back next to each other. Whatever the band was playing didn't require much boning or drumming, so they were, well, they were screwing around something awful but having a whole lot of fun at it.

Then Abraham Lincoln walked in. That is, a guy who was playing Lincoln (and not very well) walked among the band, in character, shaking hands and trying to act like Abe.

When he got to my brother and his friend, he shook their hands and made a fatal error. Abe said, rather condescendingly, "I do like to see white soldiers and black soldiers playing music together, I really do." And he started to walk way.

Brother T, more than a little annoyed and knowing that the drummer was too, called out, "Mr. Lincoln! Mr. Lincoln! I have a question, Mr. Lincoln!"

The actor turned around and quietly asked, "And what is that, my son?"

Brother T: "Mr. Lincoln, do you think you could re-think this Emancipation thing?"

At which point the not-very-good actor was stricken dumb, and the trombonist and the drummer literally fell into each others arms shaking with laughter. "Only you," choked out the drummer, "only you!"

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Scoville
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 09:06 PM

Q: What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?

A: "Will the defendant please rise"


(not really picking on banjos--I can't play the banjo but I love it)

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Chief Chaos
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 09:21 PM

Why is the Bush Administration trying to ban music?

Too much Sax and Violins!

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 09:22 PM

My favourite musicians joke was told a few years ago by the late Benny Green on the Parkinson show. Perhaps one or two people missed it.

Four musicians are contracted to play at a hunt ball. Bass, piano, drums and sax. The drummer and bass turn up but the sax and piano get a better offer, and don't bother.

the hapless rhythm section try to explain the situation to the lady organiser. They say they can't do the gig. She says, look here you common musician type people - you are supposed to be professional musicians, get up there and play something for my group of very nice people, or I'll set the dogs on you.....

So they get up and start playing - just bass and drums. Anyway it seems to be going okay, people are dancing, somebody buys them a drink.....the evenings looking up.

After about ten minutes the bass player says, I'll go to the back of the room and check the sound. The drummer says okay, see ya! carries on drumming.

A very upper class lady glides by dancing her little heart out, she calls - i say can you play Just One of Those Things...

The drummer scowls back, what the .... do you think I'm playing?

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 12:32 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road.



To record with the Chieftains.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 04:14 AM

Ok, Ok, you asked it, what's the difference between a gynaecologist and a drummer.

apart from the fact that the gynae can paint the hall through his letterbox?




















The gynaecologist only has to deal with one C*** at a time

the best drummer joke --- ever -- IMHO.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 09:54 PM

Chief Chaos - LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 06:09 AM

Mummy when I grow up I want to be a banjo player,

make your mind up son.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 06:58 AM

the difference between 7th grade and 8th grade viola?

well, since you ask, in 8th grade they show you how to hold the bow.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Chris Green
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 07:11 AM

A bloke asks his wife if he can have bass lessons for their 25th wedding anniversary. She agrees, so off he goes to his first lesson. He comes back, gets out the bass and points at the bottom string. "Apparently," he say, "this string is called E". He puts the bass away. The following week he comes back from his next bass lesson, gets ou the bass and points at the next string up "Apparently," he says "this string is called A" and then puts the bass away. The following day he's leaving the house with the bass on his back, when he wife "You haven't got a lesson today, have you?"
"No," he says "I've got a gig!"

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: GUEST,Toenails John
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 08:02 AM

A tourist visiting Dublin stumbles upon a taxidermists shop, intriged he steps inside. after looking around for a bit he spots a stuffed rat for €10. as it was cheap enough he decided it would make an unusual souvieneir so he purchased it.

Walking down the street he glanced over his shoulder and noticed to his amusement 2 rats running along behind him. He continued.

About 10 mins later he again glanced over his shoulder to see several hundred rats running behind him. He continued.

By the time he reached the river Liffey, he again had a glance, only to find to his horror, that nearly every rat in the country was behind him. Realising it must be to do with his purchase, he took it out of the bag and flung it into the river, after which thousands of rats dived in after it and drowned instantly.

The tourist turned on his heels and marched straight back to the taxidermist, upon entering the shop, the taxidermist said, "Hello, you again. Is there a problem?"

"No" replied the tourist. " I was just wondering, you don't by any chance have any stuffed Banjo players do you"

(groan, Sorry)

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Juan P-B
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 06:21 PM

Drummer is sick & tired of all the comments about drummers being thick so he pops into his local music shop and says,

"I'd like to by that red saxaphone and the silver accordeon please"

The shop guy say's, "You're a drummer aren't you?"

"How did you know!" says the tub-thumper

"Well the fire extinguisher I can let you have but the radiator is fixed to the wall"


'nother drummer goes into another shop and says,

"I'd like a red Fender Strat with a Marshall 100 amp and a red curly lead please!"

The shop guy say's, "You're a drummer aren't you?"

"How did you know!" says the drummer

"Well," says the guy, "This is a wool shop!"

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 03:29 PM

two musos meet up.

One says Oh god life is good. I was in las Vegas last week on holiday. I'm in the sudience of the Sands, my old mate Tom Jones sees me in the audience, invites me up onstage, I do a couple of my own songs, just me and a piano, then me and guitar, I play both you see.... and you'll never guess. They'offered me month there doing my own show. Great money.

The I'm in the lounge of The Queen Mary on the voyage back. That woman they did the TV show about, she'd got a bad throat couldn't do the show. I stepped forward, I said Ill do you a few songs, brought the house down, people with tears in their eyes, standing ovations .... you've never seen anything like it! Bloody marvellous! they've said they'll give a gig there. Brilliant money, and you'll never guess....

I was on the way home in the taxi, and I'd been working on some songs. I gave the taxi driver a cd and said , do you mind if I listen to that. And he says no treouble mate. Guess who it is ... only Richard Branson , he does taxi driving for relaxation. he says this is good mate, I'll try and sort you out a record contract. Can I offer a couple of hundred thousand for the option for a week, and I said okay so he whipped out the money there and then, signed me up on the back of his condom packet....

The other muso said well I've had a crap time of it. the only booking I've had is Hull Brish legion. They all throw fish at you, that was before they started fighting, I asked for the money from the secretary and he said here's a deposit mate, and he wiped his arse on me toupe.....anyway I've got to go.

Allright see you, but did you say Hull Bitish Legion.....you haven't got the number on you?

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 08:19 PM

I thought all banjo players were stuffed - or is that, should be....

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 02:14 AM

What is the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back ...

Shortest joke about trombone players:
Two trombone players are passing along a pub ...

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 03:13 AM

Variation on a theme

Two musos meet up

One says, Oh god life is good. I was in las Vegas last week on holiday. I'm in the sudience of the Sands, my old mate Tom Jones sees me in the audience, invites me up onstage, I do a couple of my own songs, just me and a piano, then me and guitar, I play both you see.... and you'll never guess. They'offered me month there doing my own show. Great money. You musta have heard about it?

No I didn't

Then I'm in the lounge of The Queen Mary on the voyage back. That woman they did the TV show about, she'd got a bad throat couldn't do the show. I stepped forward, I said Ill do you a few songs, brought the house down, people with tears in their eyes, standing ovations .... you've never seen anything like it! Bloody marvellous! they've said they'll give a gig there. Brilliant money. Did you hear about that?

No sorry I didn't

And you know I was on the way home in the taxi, and I'd been working on some songs. I gave the taxi driver a cd and said , do you mind if I listen to that. And he says no trouble mate. Guess who it is ... only Richard Branson , he does taxi driving for relaxation. he says this is good mate, I'll try and sort you out a record contract. Can I offer a couple of hundred thousand for the option for a week, and I said okay so he whipped out the money there and then, signed me up on the back of his condom packet. It was in THe Sun and Hello Magazine, you mut have heard about it....

No I didn't hear about any of that, you been doing any other gigs since you got back?


Well only this awful one at Hull British legion. They all threw fish at me, that was before they all started fighting, I asked for the money from the secretary and he said here's a deposit mate, and he wiped his arse on me toupe.....

Yeh, I heard about that.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: clueless don
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 09:14 AM

My apologies if this one has already appeared:

What's the difference between a musician and a large pepperoni pizza?

A large pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.


Don

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: GUEST,Spot the Dog
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 10:24 AM

If a drummer and an accordian player jumped of the empire state building who would hit the ground first.............?

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: GUEST,Spot the Dog
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 10:25 AM

..............who cares......!!

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Pied Piper
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 10:39 AM

What's the difference between a Drum machine and a reel drummer?















You only have to punch in the instructions once, with a Drum machine.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 02:39 PM

And what do you call a musician with no girlfriend?



homeless

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: michaelr
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 03:28 PM

What's the diff between a guitarist and a savings bond?

A savings bond will eventually mature and start earning income...

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Ernest
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 04:09 PM

2 musicians walk past a pub....

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 04:32 PM

How many Bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the piano player can do it with his left hand.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 04:37 PM

How do get an Electric Guitar player to turn his Amp down?

Put a chart in front of him.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 05:14 PM

What's the difference between a podiatrist and Ginger Baker?


A podiatrist bucks up the feet.



A soprano was making love to her sax playing boyfriend. She had neglected any birth control and said, "Honey, you'd better pull out." He said, "Why, am I sharp?"



What's the difference between a soprano and a pitbull?

The jewelry.




How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, I to change the bulb and the other to pull the chair out from under her.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: GUEST,The Vulgar Boatman
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 06:13 PM

PhD student at UEA is doing research into the theory that people's pets take on their behavioural characteristics. Eventually the sample comes down to three dogs, one belonging to a lawyer, one to a chartered surveyor and the third to a professional musician...

A bare room has bonio dog biscuits scattered over the floor at random, and the lawyer's dog is put in; it gathers up the bonios, divides them into two roughly equal piles and sits down exactly between them.
The surveyor's dog is put in, examines the two heaps from all sides and sits down next to the larger of the heaps...
Then the muso's dog is put in - eats the bonios, screws the other two dogs and says, "How much are we getting paid for this gig then...?"

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Pauline L
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 11:09 PM

Three men died and appeared before St. Peter to see whether they could get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first one, "What did you do for a living?" The man said, "I was a doctor and I made a lot of money." St. Peter said, "Go to hell." St. Peter asked the second man the same question, and the man said, "I was a lawyer and I made a lot of money." St. Peter said, "Go to hell." Then it was the third man's turn. He said, "I didn't make much money but I did make people happy." St. Peter said, "What instrument did you play?"

............................

Someone who just died and went to heaven was being shown around by an angel. He saw a man dressed in a tuxedo, standing on a podium with a music score in front of him, waving a white stick. The newcomer asked the obvious question and the angel said, "No that's God. He just thinks he's von Karajan."

.............................

Some definitions:

detache: an indication that the trombones should play with their slides removed

glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs

risoluto: indicates to the orchestra that they are to maintain their rhythm stubbornly no matter what the conductor does

crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he/she has been playing too loudly

vibrato: used by singers to disguise the fact that they are on the wrong pitch

coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note but has a wild time hunting for it

chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing in half pounds

beat: what musicians do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, and the up beat is struck under the chin.

repeat: what you do until they expel you

perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road

whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain. "Damn! That was a major scale."

Bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses

(I sure had fun doing the research for this.   Pauline)

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: GUEST,The Vulgar Boatman
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 10:23 AM

Alternatively...

Perfect pitch - throwing a melodeon in a skip and hitting a banjo (and yes, you guessed it, I play both).

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 11:04 AM

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?



They had to break the window to get the drummer out!

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 11:12 AM

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

Ba-Boom - tsh!

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Pauline L
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 12:54 PM

There was a cartoon on The Far Side that had one large frame divided in two by a diagonal line. On top was an angel saying, "Welcome to heaven. Here's your harp." On the bottom was a devil saying, "Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion."

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 03:05 PM

There was this banjo player who had a gig in a folk club. He forgot to bring his instrument into the club and went back to the car and found that the windows had been smashed and:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
He found dozens of banjos had been thrown on to the back seat!!

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 08:30 AM

Man comes into a bar with an octopus under his arm He says to the barman," I'll bet you my $100 drinks tab he can play any musical instrument you like".
Barman says:" There's a piano over there, go ahead."
Guy puts the octopus on the stool, octopus flips up the lid, plays a few scales and then slips into an etude. Guy says: "Pay up". Barkeep says, "Wait a minute" and brings out a guitar from under the counter. Guy gives it to the octopus. Octopus tightens up the E-string, closes his eyes and plays a sweet fandango. "Pay up" says the guy. "Wait up" says the bartender and rummages in the lost and found box and comes up with a clarinet, hands it to the octopus. Octopus tightens the reed, has a go, not perfect but plays a couple of scales. Barkeep finally comes up with a set of bagpipes. Guy lays the octopus on the bar next to the bagpipes. Octopus looks them over, picks each pipe up in turn and lets it drop, squints at the bag. Guy gets nervous, says, "What's the matter, can't you play it?" Octopus says, "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'm gonna fuck it."


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Sir Roger de Beverley
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 10:30 AM

From Three Men in a Boat - Jerom K Jerome

" a gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo, but doesn't

R

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Sooz
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 11:59 AM

Phil, that was the first one I hadn't heard before and I still have tears running down my face!

What do you call a beautiful girl on the arm of a drummer?














A tattoo.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Chris Green
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 12:48 PM

In questionable taste, but I heard it from one of my students.

What's got nine arms and sucks?


Def Leppard.

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 01:05 PM

That reminds me, when my daughter was young, she was going on about Def Leppard, whose records she'd been playing at full boost in her room, fo the discomfiture of the entire household.

I said: "Yeah, he must be deaf, to make that noise!"

She: "Daa-aad, that's spelled D-E-F!"

Me: "Oh, he can't spell, either?"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: GUEST,Chief Chaos
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 03:41 PM

That was kind of like my father's response when he asked who is that? It was Rush doing Tom Sawyer.
His response was:
"Rush to the toilet and throw up!"

Subject: RE: BS: Musician Jokes
From: GUEST,Claymore
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 09:02 PM

A friend of mine who plays the five string rather well once commented that "Ninty-nine percent of banjo players give the rest of us a bad name."