BS: First Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Naemanson
Date: 31 Jan 05 - 07:03 AM

The chicken/road coment wasn't intended to be a joke. It was just a comment and a great deal of fun out of an old joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: catlova
Date: 31 Jan 05 - 06:49 AM

What will happen when the Giant Pandas take over the world?













Global pandemonium.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Jan 05 - 10:39 AM

"The Atheist"

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist.
While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was
constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord,
the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However,
the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and
a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous
and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every
day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor,
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 29 Jan 05 - 07:38 AM

MudGuard - Yes, Your Honour, guilty ...

Next one about chickens crossing the road:

When there were more than 100 automobiles in Frankfurt/Main, such kind of cars weren't still known in the remote mountains of my home country.
Once a tourist in an automobile drove through a small village and ran over a chicken just crossing the road.
He stopped and carried the avine corpse to the farm where he had seen the chicken come out.
"Sorry, dear man," he told the farmer, "I just ran over your chicken and I want to pay for it."
"That isn't our chicken" the peasant answered.
"But I saw it just coming out of your farm, and I want to pay for it!"
"No, it can't be one of our chickens. Such flat chickens we don't have over here."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 29 Jan 05 - 04:10 AM

I always suspected a man trying to play the tin whistle has a queer taste in musics. [...] my home town's German-Irish Society will perform a workshop for tin whistle. [...] If you wish to participate there with me

So Wilfried, you admit to having a queer taste in musics ;-)
Thanks for the invitation, will think about it ...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Raggytash
Date: 29 Jan 05 - 04:03 AM

And the joke is?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Naemanson
Date: 29 Jan 05 - 03:11 AM

Chicken and road comment:

In Guam there are chickens all over the place so you frequently see them crossing the road, sometimes at a dead run to avoid the oncoming cars. During my daughter's recent visit we got great fun out of exclaiming "Why DOES the chicken cross the road?" Of course, every once in a while you see one that didn't make it...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 28 Jan 05 - 09:38 AM

That's the cruel truth! I always suspected a man trying to play the tin whistle has a queer taste in musics. Nevertheless: I laughed a lot. Thank you, MudGuard, for the funny links.
By the way - end of June this year my home town's German-Irish Society will perform a workshop for tin whistle. An Irish teacher will be flown in. It will be on a Saturday, about € 40,-. If you wish to participate there with me you are kindly invited to stay in my house (free town tour added).

Wilfried

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 28 Jan 05 - 06:49 AM

Not exactly a joke, not exactly folk, but has to do with music and it made me laugh:

We are the Champignons ;-)
(flash plugin needed)

or if you like it more classical:

La donna mobile
(also needs flash plugin)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: susu
Date: 27 Jan 05 - 09:49 PM

Why don't Baptist's believe in premarital sex?......






It leads to dancing.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Jan 05 - 09:40 PM

A cowgirl, who is visiting Arkansas from Texas, walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a
mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought
one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my
sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars
take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but want to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
her eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my
husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit
drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Jan 05 - 12:24 PM

Subject: The Year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 27 Jan 05 - 09:48 AM

"Dinner With the Baby Sitter"

Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby
sitter when 6 year old Kyle said, "You can't sit in
Daddy's seat!"

"Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since
I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here.
Today I'm the boss."

Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the
boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

-------


"Little Johnny After Church"

After a church service, Little Johnny told the Pastor,
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the Pastor replied, "that would be very
nice of you," he smiled, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher
we've ever had."

-------

"Grandma's Visit"

Little Johnny's grandmother dropped by Johnny's
house for the first. When she rang the door bell,
three year old Little Johnny answered the door.

Johnny's Grandmother said to Little Johnny, "Hi
there, you must be Johnny. I'm your grandmother
on your daddy's side."

Johnny answered, "Wow, did you pick the wrong side?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 26 Jan 05 - 12:33 PM

Why does a rooster wear it's underware on it's head ?

To cover up his pecker.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 24 Jan 05 - 04:41 PM

In the medical school the professor lectures about mongoloids and their handicaps:
Sure they are of a very limited intellectual and mental state they are not useless throughout. Fortunately they are quite able to perform simple manual labours, e.g.? ..."
Voice in the background: "Surgeons?"

(No harm intended. My life was saved by surgeons of the US Medical Corps)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jan 05 - 12:10 PM

One day the great philosopher Socrates came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him
excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to think
about something. It's called the Three Tests."

"Three Tests?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student
let's take a moment to think what you're going to say. The first test is
Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is
true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even
though you're not certain it's true?".

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "There is still
the third test - the test of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about
my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor
Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great
philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 23 Jan 05 - 01:51 PM

1 megaphone.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 23 Jan 05 - 01:16 PM

And 1,000,000,000,000 microphones equals...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 22 Jan 05 - 06:31 PM

Jim,

Jim,

Jim,

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Jan 05 - 06:26 PM

(A suitable interval having expired...)

A. Two kilomockingbirds! (of course!)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jan 05 - 04:42 PM

"Third Wish"
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie
popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your
third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be
getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish
yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your
second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was
before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing,
because everything is the way it was before you made any
wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck.
I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared
forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Jan 05 - 12:11 PM

Q. What do you call two thousand mockingbirds in the metric system?

(Answer will be given after a suitable interval.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Jan 05 - 08:49 AM

The guy jumping thru the window was on Myth Busters the other week here....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Doctor, Doctor! I have a cricket ball stuck up my behind!

D: How's that?

P: Don't you start!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jan 05 - 09:49 PM

Darwin Awards 2004
Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees are:

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)

Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]:
A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods.

It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating 'this deadly gas'." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.

Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.)

Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime Provinces.)

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles.

The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck???

(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Jan 05 - 07:07 AM

P: Doctor, Doctor! An Alsatian bit me on the finger!

D: Which one?

P: I don't know! All Alsatians look the same to me!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Jan 05 - 08:47 AM

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "Your son seems to be causing you to constantly stay far too upset and worried all the time. I'm going to prescribe some tranquilizers and I want you to take them regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes" the mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" he asked.

"Who cares?" she replied.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 08:55 PM

A few days after 82 year old Morris had his latest physical, his physician saw him strolling down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Must be his daughter", thought the doc. "I'll just say hello and maybe get an introduction...."
   Up he spoke, "You look like you're really doing alright today, Morris."
   "Yep," Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: `Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
   "I never said that," the doctor corrected him. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 05:41 PM

The Fooles are well known for their subtlety, Uncle DaveO ....

They always ASS-U-ME that their audience are extremely well educated....

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 05:01 PM

69

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: sue exhull
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 04:48 PM

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 p.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butchers shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? now we don't have any money left at all."

Murphy replied, "Don't you worry, just follow me."

He went into the Pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whiskey. Shamus said, "Now you've really lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in ? We don't have any money!"

Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" and they downed their drinks.

Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth".

The Barman noticed them , went berserk and through the both of them out.

They continued this, Pub after Pub, getting more and more drunk and all for free.

At the tenth Pub, Shamus said "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. Me knees are killing me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third Pub."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 02:37 PM

Uncle Dave, "It's not unusual" is another song by Tom Jones

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 01:37 PM

I don't git it.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Unc
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 01:36 PM

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Jan 05 - 04:16 AM

P: Doctor, Doctor! I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home"!

D: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.

P: Is it common?

D: It's not unusual...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Sooz
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 12:37 PM

A teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"A wisemouth at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and says sweetly "Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your OTHER hand."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Amos
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 09:43 AM

Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
============================================================================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
============================================================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
============================================================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"
============================================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
============================================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
============================================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
============================================================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
============================================================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
============================================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
============================================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
============================================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
============================================================================
AND SAVING THE BEST TWO FOR LAST:
============================================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."
============================================================================
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 17 Jan 05 - 03:12 AM

10. after the merger of Microsoft and MacDonalds, the old BigMac will be replaced by a MicroMac ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Jan 05 - 07:18 PM

Subject: INVESTMENT TIPS FOR 2005


For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/K-Mart wedding, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the near future:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 06:35 PM

The secret of my success

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge."

"Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." he explained.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: susu
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 06:16 PM

Georgiansilver, I told almost the same joke on the 2nd of Jan.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jan 05 - 12:07 PM

Lady Margaretta Smith decided to go on an African Safari but refused flatly to leave her pet poodle behind. Whilst in the wildest area of Africa, the poodle started chasing butterflies and promptly got lost.
The poodle spotted (excuse the pun) a leopard coming towards it and decided not to run but to try a bluff. It pretended it was eating some bones which lay on the ground and just as the leopard was within hearing distance said " That leopard was delicious but I am still hungry so I had better find another".......the leopard slunk quietly away.
A monkey who had witnessed the whole proceedings, followed the leopard for about a mile and told it the truth of what had happened.
The monkey climbed onto the leopards back and they set off towards the spot where they had seen the poodle.
The poodle spotted them coming and again turned away, pretending to eat the bones...but just as the leopard and the monkey came within earshot..the poodle said "Where is that flaming monkey I sent to find me another leopard"?????

Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Folkiedave
Date: 14 Jan 05 - 04:36 PM

Or mine!!


Dave

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: DMcG
Date: 14 Jan 05 - 03:00 PM

You need quite a lot of imagination to transform the French pronounced "Lors Qui" to the English pronounced "Lost key".

Not really - you just need a French accent as bad as mine.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: frogprince
Date: 14 Jan 05 - 02:40 PM

A nearby chuch has a little old sign in the Sunday School area; kitchy thing of letters in glitter glued on dark tagboard.
"FEAR KNOCKED;
FAITH ANSWERED;
NO ONE WAS HOME"
Now I can see where the first two phrases form a gentle little "spiritual" thought. But what the heck does the
"no one was home" imply? I kinda wonder if it implies a
bit of cynacism on the part of whoever made up the sign;
was he really thinking, "I'll see what people will buy,
without really thinking, if it sounds vaguely religious"?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 14 Jan 05 - 02:25 PM

Lors Qui? This follows the usual pattern of knock knock jokes but when pronounced in French is supposed to sound like "Lost key".

You need quite a lot of imagination to transform the French pronounced "Lors Qui" to the English pronounced "Lost key".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Jan 05 - 02:24 PM

Thanks for the explanation, Dave. I was baffled, too. Turns out it's not really a French joke but a bilingual one.

That last joke depends on people knowing what The Big Issue is, and I'm afraid most people in North America won't.

My favorite joke of this genre (sort of) and the only other 3-line one I know:

"Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Opportunity"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Folkiedave
Date: 14 Jan 05 - 02:10 PM

Translation/Explanation for Mrrzy........

Knock knock,

Who's there?

Lors

Lors Qui? This follows the usual pattern of knock knock jokes but when pronounced in French is supposed to sound like "Lost key".

Oui c'est vrai. Translated this means "Yes that's correct", and thus provides an explanation for the knocking on the door in line one.

My favourite knock knock joke is

Knock knock - Who's there?

Biggish - Biggish who?

Not thanks I've already given.

Best regards,


Dave

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Tannywheeler
Date: 14 Jan 05 - 12:56 PM

Fooles darlin', if God ever asks me what some of my favorite things in life have been, crossing paths with you will be on the list. If he asks me about complaints, it'll be that I didn't do it sooner.

Let's get with the French Lesson and see if we can explain Dave's joke into the ground.

This is such a fun thread -- and I don't even need cheering up.   Tw

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jan 05 - 01:36 PM

Folkiedave, explique, s'il te plait!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2005
From: susu
Date: 13 Jan 05 - 12:33 PM

This isnt really a joke but a funy thought I had. I have had alot of deaf friends in my life and they like my hearing friends often use me as a sounding board when they are ticked off at somebody. So if my hearing friends are bitching my ears off does that mean that my deaf friends are bitching my eyes off?