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BS: First Joke Thread for 2004
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Subject: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 04 Jan 04 - 05:18 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'The current joke thread is getting rather large and slow loading - so I started this one. The joke is that this post has no joke.... Robin |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 04 Jan 04 - 05:36 PM Things to do at Wal-Mart: 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code Three in Ladies Wear" and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. Move a CAUTION - WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone? 9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'. 12. In the auto department, practice your 'Madonna' look, using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, whisper "Pick me... Pick me..." 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!" 15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: JedMarum Date: 04 Jan 04 - 06:21 PM Great stuff, Cluin - but don't show 'em to Big Mick! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: michaelr Date: 04 Jan 04 - 07:14 PM Why, does Mick work at Wal-Mart? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 04 Jan 04 - 07:46 PM So, that's who the Official Greeter is. LOL |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 05 Jan 04 - 12:50 AM Buddy walks into the psychiatrist's office, wearing only Saran Wrap for pants. Shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: freda underhill Date: 05 Jan 04 - 07:29 AM A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Jan 04 - 12:07 PM Years ago while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests. The guests all felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family. The sauce was the highlight of the evening’s topic of conversation, everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed at all the compliments. One of the guest commented that toadstools were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead. As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, "Oh my God, it's the mushroom sauce!" We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms. This was an extremely unpleasant experience. We got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us, and licking her newborn kittens. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Pseudolus Date: 05 Jan 04 - 12:21 PM A nun goes to the mother Superior and says, "Mother Superior, I must confess, today, I cursed and used the Lord's name in vain." The Mother Superior asked what happened. The nun replied, "Well, I was golfing and I hit the drive of my life, the ball climbed and climbed, I thought it would never come down and all of a sudden it hit a bird and fell straight down into the fairway." "Well that would upset me as well, but...." The nun interuppted and said, "No it wasn't that, that got me upset." "Well then, what was it my child?" The nun continued, "All of a sudden a squirrell ran across the fairway and picked up the ball and into the woods it ran." "So that was it?" the Mother Superior asked. "No, that wasn't it either". "Well then, what was it child????" "Well, then another bird swooped down, grabbed the squirrell, carried it over the green and the squirrell spit out my ball and it rolled six inches from the cup." The Mother Superior thought about this for a moment and then smiled and said, "You missed the fuckin putt didn't ya?????" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 05 Jan 04 - 01:14 PM Quotes from God that don't get much notice.... "Do you really think I watch over the survivors of plane crashes, tornadoes, and other Acts of Me, and say to hell with those who aren't so lucky? -- God." "I'm in the details. -- God." "Elijah and Amos and Paul and St. John spoke for me. Falwell? No. Huck? No. -- God." "I told Jonah, 'Hey, count your blessings, he could've had teeth.' -- God "I'm the first refuge of scoundrels. -- God." "If your last rites are your first rites, might as well not bother. --God." " "Yeah, I created Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, but I didn't elect him. --God 'The God' God." "They really sucked in Sodom and Gomorrah. No, I mean they really sucked. --God." "That part about honoring your father and mother. Forget it if they're lawyers." --God. "I asked Job where he was when I laid the foundations of the universe and he said, 'I don't know, probably fishing.' -- God." "Love beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things, and causeth most of the teen pregnancies. --God." "I love Mormons but they sure are weird. --God." "Y'all are all just like Adam, you don't appreciate how good you've got it till it's gone. -- God." "Preacher, if you use Thunderbird or on-sale grapejuice for the Holy Communion so you can pocket the savings, you must be one crazy son-of-a-gun. -- God." "If the world hateth you, if men revile you, and persecute you, and say all manner of evil against you, remember, nobody put a gun to you head and made you run for president. -- God." "The lion and lamb may lie down together but only one of them will get up afterward. -- God." "What do you think ol' Ezekiel might have been smoking? -- God." "No, not that Madonna. --God." "The Ark thing where I melted all those Nazis was pretty good, even if I do say so myself. -- God." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 05 Jan 04 - 01:21 PM " Tiring of the city life, a New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we compromised and called it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." "But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked. "None of them survived the branding!" _________________________________________________________________ This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. After a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy what he'd like. The guy says, "I'd like a quickie". The waitress flushes and says, "That's not funny, sir. Now, what would you like to order?" The guy says, "I'd really like a quickie". The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily. Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to the guy, "Um, I think that it's pronounced 'quiche'! ---------------------------------------------------------------- This guy is studying to be a proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt. He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing: "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." ! The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags him back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again ("...On the road again...") The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!" __________________________________________________________________ A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple in a car with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater." "How old are you two, son?" the officer asked. "I'm twenty," the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: freda underhill Date: 06 Jan 04 - 10:30 AM "It was like Ground Hog Day. He popped out of a hole, and we got four more years of Bush." —Bill Maher, on Saddam's capture "For the last four days, they've been interrogating Saddam Hussein. ... He denies knowing Osama bin Laden. He said 'Oh sure, I'd run into him at industry functions, but I didn't really know him.'" —David Letterman "Saddam's daughter defended him, saying the U.S. must have drugged or gassed him. Otherwise, he never would have surrendered. Let me tell you something, the guy was living on hot dogs, Spam and Mars bars, and living in a tiny hole. I think he gassed himself." —Jay Leno "President Bush said today that when he was told Saddam Hussein had been captured he was up at Camp David reading a book. I don't know what's the bigger shock, capturing Saddam or finding out Bush was reading a book." —Jay Leno "When they caught Saddam Hussein, he had more than $750,000 dollars. When he heard this, President Bush immediately invited Saddam to a fundraising dinner" —Conan O'Brien "I'm watching the clip of Saddam Hussein with the big beard and the whole thing and this might be a long shot in terms of theories are concerned — but is it possible that in the nine months he was on the run, he was actually studying to become a rabbi?" —Jon Stewart "It's ironic that they found him in a hole since the term 'A-hole' has been used to describe him so many times." —Jay Leno "They took a DNA sample from him — that's gotta be humiliating. One day your the president of the entire country, the next your being forced to give a DNA sample. And Clinton said 'tell me about it!'" —Jay Leno "When he was captured, he was surrounded by the only nine remaining people who didn't want him caught — the Democratic candidates." —Jay Leno |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 06 Jan 04 - 12:26 PM Bill and Doug are on the golf course. Bill slices the ball on a drive and narrowly misses two ladies in the next fairway. Doug says, "Man, you better go apologize to them." Bill gets halfway there, looks, turns around and comes back. Doug asks what's up. Bill says, "Well, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress. So, could you please go make the apology?" Doug goes, gets halfway there and returns. Bill says, "What?" Doug says, "Small world, isn't it?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bob Hitchcock Date: 06 Jan 04 - 05:22 PM An Accordian player and a Trombone player get together and form a duo, to play a gig on New Years Eve. The show was a big hit with the crowd who were dancing all night and just having a blast. So after the show, the club owner comes over to them and says "That was great. I didn't know what to expect when I hired you, but you guys were fantastic. Could you play here again for next New Years Eve?" The two guys muttered to each other for a minute and replied "Yes, we would love to, but is it OK if we leave our stuff here?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Mickey191 Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:22 PM Old man goes for routine physical, and the doctor pronounces him in good form. Old man attributes it to his closeness to God. He tells the Dr. that at night when he has to pee, God turns the light on for him. When he's finished, God turns the light out for him. The Dr. is afraid the man may be delusional, so he calls the man's wife explaining about the light going on & off. The wife says,"Oh Boy, he's peeing in the refrigerator again." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:31 PM So THAT'S what it is. Thanks, Mickey191. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:36 PM A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Running low on fuel, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high-octane pump. "What can I do fer y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with premium, please," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he looks the car up and down, and asks, "What kinda' car is this? I ain't never seen one like it befer." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy, is a 1997 Cadillac DeVille." "What-all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "It has everything: It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10-disk CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8-liter V12 engine." "Wow," says the attendant, "that's really somethin'!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "Thata be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change, mixed up with some golf tees. "What're dem little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "dem Cadillac people think of everything!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 06 Jan 04 - 06:43 PM ok, who likes puns? An anthropologist returned from spending a year studying the natives on one of the South Sea islands. His friends asked him if he had anything unusual to report. The man replied that this particular tribe had discovered palm leaf suppositories for use when they were constipated. "Do they work?" he was asked. "Do they ever!" he replied, "with fronds like these, who needs enemas?!" --------------------------------------------------------------- Because his trip to North America took so long, Leif Ericson returned home only to learn that his name had been removed from the list of village inhabitants. He complained to the village chief, who relayed the adventurer's displeasure to the village statistician. "I'm so sorry," said the census keeper. "I must have taken Leif off my census!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Gareth Date: 06 Jan 04 - 07:27 PM Found this at another web-forum and just had to post it :). ------------------------------------------ How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 06 Jan 04 - 07:52 PM In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will." said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm really learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp over there gits done with his piano playin' and he comes over here to shove that gun right up your ass, it won't hurt as much." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 06 Jan 04 - 09:05 PM lmaorotf |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 06 Jan 04 - 10:51 PM oh, Gareth...that one is just TOO funny, given recent threads..*grin* |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Hrothgar Date: 07 Jan 04 - 03:29 AM A bit near the knuckle, Gareth! :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: katlaughing Date: 07 Jan 04 - 02:49 PM My apologies if this is a repeat: Happy New Year! A little bit of inspiration for women. A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to read her book. Along came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, thinking to herself. "Isn't it obvious?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am", he said and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: jeffp Date: 07 Jan 04 - 04:15 PM kat, your joke reminds me of something I saw occur on the Shenandoah River once back in 1994. I was down there for a whitewater canoe trip with a bunch of friends and was sitting by the river just enjoying the day. A couple of canoes, each with a couple in it, came by and pulled up on a sand bar to rest and socialize, I guess. One of the men had a fly rod and the other was checking it out, casting and retrieving the line, when the fish and game warden showed up in his boat. The warden anchored his boat and prepared to write out a ticket for fishing without a license. The man protested that he was only checking out the rod and not actually fishing. The warden's response could be heard by all of us at the campsite, halfway across the river. "You have a rod in your hand, there is a hook on the line, the hook is in the water, and there are fish in the water. Son, that's fishing!" Thought I would never stop laughing. jeffp |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 09 Jan 04 - 06:59 AM The CoffeeHouse Prayer Our Father, who art in Columbia, Juan Valdez be Thy name. Thy Au Latte come, Thy Cappucino be done In homes as it is in cafes. And forgive us this day our Decaffinated Blend, As we forgive those who drink Esspresso in front of us. And lead us not into Instants, But deliver us from Non-Dairy Creamer. For Thine is the Hazelnut, Mocha, and Irish Cream forever. Amen. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jim Dixon Date: 10 Jan 04 - 02:46 PM Roy Blount, Jr., was a panelist on today's episode of NPR's weekly program, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." The host asked him to comment on Britney Spears' short-lived marriage. He replied with this short poem:
Did he gitney? He did, dintney? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 10 Jan 04 - 06:56 PM A fellow from the big city decided to get away from it all and move to the Canadian north. He purchased a log cabin, and his nearest neighbour was four miles away down a winding road. George never got to see anyone other than the mail delivery person, and on occasion he traded words with the truck that brought his store-bought food. After eleven months of relative isolation, George began to get a little antsy. As fortune would have it, a loud banging at the door abruptly took him from his despondent thoughts. He answered the knocking. There before him at the door stood a somewhat rank, dishevelled, rugged-looking, semi-drunk huge man. "Yes?" "Came to ask you to a party tonight; starts at 7:00." "Oh." (George was lonely, and he figured, why not.) "Yeah. But there might be a little drinkin', hope ya don't mind that." "Oh, no, I have a drink now and then, too." "Yeah. Might be a little fightin'. Hope ya don't mind that." "Oh, no, I'll just keep to myself." "Might be a little sex. Hope ya don't mind that." "Oh, no," said George, "It's been quite some time for me." The fellow turned around and began to walk away. George called after him: "Hey, what should I wear?" Fellow yelled back, "Suit yourself; there'll just be the two of us." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bee-dubya-ell Date: 10 Jan 04 - 08:29 PM A man was visiting an art museum in West Virginia. In a photography exhibit he saw a photograph if three nude black men sitting on a simple plank bench. The odd thing about the photograph was that the man in the middle had a white penis. He studied the photo for a few minutes but couldn't figure out what kind of point the artist was trying to make. Finally, he stopped a passing security guard and asked him if he understood the photo. "Sure," said the guard, "I understand exactly what it's about." "Well," replied the museum visitor, "I just don't get it. Three black men on a bench but the middle one has a white penis... What's it mean?" The guard looked at him and started to laugh. "Naw," he said, "those aren't black men! They're West Virginia coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch." Bruce |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Leadfingers Date: 10 Jan 04 - 08:29 PM How many Traditional Folk Singers does it take to change a Light Bulb? Answer-- Twenty four !!! One to change the bulb, Three to sing a ballad in three part harmony about what a wonderful light bulb it was And the other twenty to have an argument about how much better it would have been if it hadnt been electric |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Herga Kitty Date: 11 Jan 04 - 02:39 PM How many EFDSS members does it take to change a light bulb? Change???????? (Heard at Sharp's Xmas party) Kitty |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cattail Date: 11 Jan 04 - 03:36 PM Nice one Brucie, LMAO Thanks Cattail ! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 11 Jan 04 - 03:50 PM More than welcome, Cattail. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: bazza Date: 11 Jan 04 - 04:55 PM a couple in bed making love ,the husband says,ere why dont you moan like other woman,alright she says,when you going to paint this bloody ceiling. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: SueB Date: 14 Jan 04 - 01:58 AM This is from James Carville's new book called Had Enough? A Handbook for Fighting Back " There's a joke going around about the senator who died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the senator. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. She never told a lie, and therefore the hands have never moved." "Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved only twice, telling us that Honest Abe told only two lies in his entire life." The senator then asked, "Where's George W. Bush's clock?" St. Peter replied, "It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." " |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 14 Jan 04 - 04:49 PM An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw. The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said. "That's good," the old man replied "Because your tits are nothing to look at." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wesley S Date: 14 Jan 04 - 05:22 PM A man goes to visit his doctor and tells him: "Doc - when I was twenty I would get an erection and it was hard as a rock and as stiff as a telephone poll. When I turned fourty I could bend it a little. And when I turned sixty I could bend it in half". "So what do you want to know ?" the doctor asked. The man replied - "Good Heavens Doctor - how strong will I be when I turn eighty ?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 17 Jan 04 - 12:59 AM Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in Ontario, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it into the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter, who was driving by, sees the incident, pulls over, and rushes across the ice to interview the boy. "Young Toronto Maple Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry. I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Ottawa Senators Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Senators fan either," the boy said. "Well, what team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "The Montreal Canadiens," the kid said. The reporter rips out the old sheet from his notebook and writes on a new page: "Little French Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,Frances Date: 17 Jan 04 - 04:48 PM A nurse had given instructions to a junior what to do while she would put on the required dressing on the patient. Whilst opening the dressing from its sealed packet, she heard a scream from her patient. Turning to the junior she said,"nurse, I told you to lift him by the buttocks,..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Den Date: 17 Jan 04 - 06:17 PM When I told my family I was going to be a comedian they laughed at me... they're not laughing now. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 17 Jan 04 - 07:04 PM A public speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!" The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair. Try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair, Goldilocks. Try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker thanked the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 17 Jan 04 - 08:09 PM Ckuin, that reminds me of the episode of Steptoe & Son, where Harold buys a drayload full of false teeth from the undertakers... Robin |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,JTT Date: 18 Jan 04 - 03:43 AM Mainly for Irish people, especially GAA fans: http://www.listowelemmets.com/jokes.html |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jimmy C Date: 19 Jan 04 - 12:05 AM The gunfighter In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a li'l lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jimmy C Date: 19 Jan 04 - 12:14 AM A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! ...I hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 21 Jan 04 - 06:08 PM Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron and standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands over her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times... Just put me down for a five." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Mickey191 Date: 22 Jan 04 - 02:04 PM Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Wisconsin. He drives over to Wisconsin, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls -- the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls -- the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway. When he gets the cow home, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and his neighbor, Sven, and says, “Come here and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens.” Sven reaches under and pulls -- the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, “You bought dis cow in Wisconsin, yah?” Ole is very surprised and says, “Yah!, dats right, how did you know?” Sven says, “My wife is from Wisconsin.” |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jim Dixon Date: 29 Jan 04 - 03:14 PM Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bob Hitchcock Date: 29 Jan 04 - 04:20 PM A guy walks into a Bar, and orders a beer and a shot then throws a pair of jumper cables on the bar. The bartender looks him over and says " OK, but don't start anything". |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST Date: 30 Jan 04 - 08:58 AM A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I wouldn't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, please, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, and they're not black." With an effort, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and says----- "That was very nice -------- but, ...ARE... MY... TEST... results..back? " |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: freda underhill Date: 30 Jan 04 - 09:12 AM Take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition: 1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2. Reintardation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.. 9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: 18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: harlowpoet Date: 31 Jan 04 - 06:51 AM Two men were about to tee off for a game of golf, when a stranger comes along and asks if if can join them in the round. They agree, and the three of them commence the game. After a while , they get talking, and one of them asked the stranger what he did for a living. He said "I'm a hitman". They looked stunned, so he says,"Yes really". Then from among his set of golf clubs, pulls out a long range rifle, complete with telescopic sight. "Here, have a look he says", handing it to them. One of them holds it up, then looks through the telescopic sight. In the distance he sees his house. He looks at his bedroom window, and says " Oh look, there's my wife. Hey, hold on a minute. There's a bloke with her. It's my next door neighbour. They're both naked!" I'm not having this. Then asks the hitman how much he charges for a hit. The hitman says says £1000. The man says "Right, I'll have two hits, thats £2000. One for him, and one for her. What I want you to do is shoot him down below, and her in the mouth". The hit man says "OK", then takes aim with his rifle. He's just about to shoot, when he stops and says, "Actually, I think I can save you £1000!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,JTT Date: 31 Jan 04 - 01:44 PM Oldie but a goodie: Why do women have orgasms? Ach, it's just one more thing for them to be *moaning* and *groaning* about. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: freightdawg Date: 31 Jan 04 - 07:23 PM A man and his wife were talking one night. "Honey" she says, "if I died would you remarry?" "Why, darlin', you know you are the only one for me." "Yes, I know, but if I'm gone, would you remarry?" "Well, if you were gone, I might get married again, but sweetie, I want you to know you are the only woman for me." "Well," she continues, "if you remarry, would she live in this house?" "I guess if I did get married again, then yes, probably so" says the husband. "Would she sleep in this bed?" the woman asked. "Look, honey, you are weirding me out here," says the husband. "I don't want to talk about you dying and leaving me. But yes, if you died and if I remarried and if we lived in this house then yes, we would probably sleep in this bed together." "Would she use my golf clubs?" asked the wife. "Oh, no, she couldn't." says he, "She is left-handed." Freightdawg |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Dharmabum Date: 31 Jan 04 - 10:26 PM Three surgeons at an international medical conference,boasting to one another. The first,a surgeon from Poland says,"In Warsaw,we removed the kidneys from a baboon,transplanted them into a 36 year old man,& had him out looking for work within a month!" "That's nothing"commented the French surgeon"In Paris,we removed the heart of a pig,transplanted it into a 40 year old man,& had him searching for work within two weeks!" Finally,the surgeon from Texas speaks up,"Well boys,I'm afraid I gotcha beat". "We took a jackass outa Texas,put 'im in Washington,& by the next day we had half the country out lookin' for work!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Sandra in Sydney Date: 01 Feb 04 - 07:20 AM Crawford, TX, January 28 (AP) In an effort to reach out to Constituencies outside his traditional power base, President George W. Bush today announced a new "note cut" initiative, intended to appeal to classical musicians. Speaking from his ranch in Crawford, Texas, the President prefaced his remarks with some general observations. "Music is a good thing. I like music because I like good things, and music is good for America. It's fundamentalistic to the American spirit. Classically-orientated musicians -- the ones that play in orchestras, in the churches of this great country of ours, in contra dance bands, and on the telephone when you're put on hold while calling any one of our Fortune 500 companies—are especially important, because they play a whole lot of notes. And these are good, American notes, that haven't been genetically altered, which Laura and I prize very highly. As I like to say, what you don't know you have can't hurt you if you're not there." The President went on to explain the reasons for his new initiative "For too long these good musical Americans have been playing lots and lots of notes, and haven't been getting anything in return. These here notes belong to the American people, and it's time to give some of them back." The administration's plan calls for a one-time refund of 3,000 notes to tax-paying and note-playing American classical musicians. Chamber musicians who play sonatas together in long-standing legal or church-sanctioned relationships are entitled to a refund of 6,000 notes. String quartets will receive a one-time refund of 10,000 notes, as follows: 5,000 for first violinists, 3,000 for second violinists, 1,500 for cellists, and only 500 for violists. Already this arrangement has generated considerable controversy, since it clearly favors the upper instruments. Pianists are entitled to a 15,000-note refund, because in the words of the President, "They play lots and lots and lots of notes. Their fingers must be really well-oiled. Those digits can really add up, musicologistically speaking." Back in Washington, Democrats are already gearing up for a fight. They point to the plan's inequitable distribution of notes. Citing the latest figures from the music division of the General Accounting Office, they also claim that Bush's initiative is musically irresponsible. Noting recent reports indicating the President's tax refund, in conjunction with the sliding economy, has now effectively erased any budget surplus, they find parallels in Bush's note-cut initiative. They warn ominously that his plan threatens the all-important Musical Security Hemi-, Demi, and Semi-Quaver Reserve. On Friday, Representative Richard A. Gephardt painted a grim picture of what, in Democrats' eyes, the future holds. "Giving musicians notes back doesn't mean they're going to use them wisely, and it won't help the nation's musical health. We'd run the very real risk of running out of notes." "Imagine," Gephardt continued, "a Brahms symphony petering out in performance for a lack of notes. First thing you know, musicians will be leaving out all the fast movements because they don't have enough notes to get through them. Mendelssohn will suffer the most, especially the last movement of the Octet." Apprised of Gephardt's remarks on the way to a pig roast at his ranch, President Bush responded, "Nope. Not gonna happen. I intend to be the defense, education, and fast-movement president. If Congress minds its musical matters, we'll have enough left for Brahms and the Mendelssohn Octagon, too." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Amos Date: 01 Feb 04 - 02:31 PM THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003: Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Crack Found on Governor's Daughter Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,JTT Date: 01 Feb 04 - 07:12 PM (Only understandable to Irish Catters in its present form: translate for local conditions.) The war is going on in Bosnia and refugees are rushed all over Europe. One little Bosnian kid is in Limerick, and he rings his ma at home. "Ma," he says, "I played a football match for the school!" "Son, your sister has been raped. I have no time for this." "But Ma, I scored the winning goal!" "Your brother has been stabbed. Don't talk to me about goals." "But Ma, I scored a *hat trick*!" "Your father has been raped *and* shot. Leave me alone." "But Ma, it's not *my* fault!" "It was you that wanted to move to Limerick." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 04 Feb 04 - 02:47 AM In the good old days of the Prussian Army, about 1900. On parade ground: - This man! Where are you coming from? - I have dined, Sergeant Major. - Nonsense! His Majesty dines! I eat! You feed! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,Guest Date: 04 Feb 04 - 04:47 AM Just heard that they are making a film about Dr Harold Shipman (serial killer in UK) to be called 'The Old Dear Hunter' |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Dead Horse Date: 04 Feb 04 - 02:20 PM Apparantly Shipman was very fond of apples. His last words were "I could murder a Granny Smith" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 04 Feb 04 - 03:49 PM OK, I know these are old, but they age nicely...... THE ORIGINAL HOLLYWOOD SQUARES If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes.These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often)dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean? A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 05 Feb 04 - 09:33 AM The Army is supplied with a big brand new computer to support decision making on the battlefield. For weeks the Input Platoon is hammering away at their keyboards all data available: Forces, own, allied and enemy, the units down to the last platoon, reserves, gear, tanks, guns, planes, ammo of all calibres, missiles, commanding officers' talents, sucesses and failures, all own, allied, enemy and so on. Finally the work is done. All are awaiting the fast and final decisions. The general presses the decision button. The computer hums a little bit, and then - clickety click - out comes a little sheet: "YES". Baffled silence. The general asks: "Yes, what?" and the operator puts it in. The computer hums a little bit, and then - clickety click ... clickety click - out comes a little sheet: "YES, SIR". |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: SueB Date: 05 Feb 04 - 12:46 PM Thank you, DaveO - I'm old enough to remember coming home from school in the afternoon and watching Hollywood Squares with my grandmother. Takes me back. Paul Lynde was great as the voice of Templeton the rat in Charlotte's Web, too. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 06 Feb 04 - 06:45 PM The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists...two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men aside. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!" "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL : women always do their job properly. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 08 Feb 04 - 05:48 AM Flight Attendant An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvel has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Tray-up, b*tch!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 09 Feb 04 - 08:17 PM Understanding Hoosier Culture 101 * Know the state casserole.* The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell's cream ofmushroom soup and dried onions. You can take this casserole to any social event and know you'll be accepted. * Get used to food festivals.* The Indiana General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have atleast one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. It's your duty as a Hoosier to attend these festivals and buy at least one elephant ear. * Know the geography.* Of Florida, that is. There are Hoosiers who couldn't tell you where Evansville is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Hoosiers go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired Hoosiers who have a place in Sarasota. Hoosiers consider Florida the Lower Peninsula of Indiana. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse ... you stay here because you enjoy the change of season. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it. * Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die.* The thing to remember about Indiana seasons is they can occur at any time. We have spring-like days in January and wintery weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Indiana is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off the layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning. * Don't take Indiana place names literally.* If a town has the same name as a foreign city--Valparaiso and Versailles, for example--you must not pronounce them the way foreigners do, lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Also, East Enterprise has no counterpart on the west side of the state. South Bend is in the north. North Vernon is in the south and French Lick isn't what you think, either. * Become mulch literate.* Hoosiers love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at least. Researchers think the state affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they're more likely to make little mulch hills in their front yards. * You gotta know sports.* In order to talk sports with fans in Indiana, you have to be knowledgeable on threelevels--professional, college and high school. The Indiana sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot center at Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom, and what he got on his biology quiz last week. * Remember that Hoosiers are never first to embrace trends.* When they do embrace them, they do so with Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust. *The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term "Amish" to it.* The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork. YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM INDIANA WHEN: * You think the state Bird is Larry. * You can say "French Lick" without laughing. * There's a college near you named "Ball State." * You know Batesville is the casket-making capital of the world and you're proud of it. * You could never figure out spring ahead-fall back, so screw Daylight Savings Time! * Your feelings get hurt when someone points out the acronym for Purdue University is PU. * You know several people who've hit a deer. * Down south to you means "Kentucky". * You have no problem spelling or pronouncing Terre Haute. * Your school classes were canceled because of cold. * Your school classes were canceled because of heat. * You know what the phrase "knee-high by the 4th of July" means. * You've heard of Euchre, you know how to play Euchre, and you are a master of Euchre. * You've seen a running car with nobody in it in the parking lot of the grocery store, no matter what time of year it is. * Detassling was your first job. Bailing hay, your second. Or you could stack hay, swim in the pond to clean off and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops, all in the same barn lot on the same day. * You say things like cattywampus and kittycorner and know what they mean. * You install security lights on your house and garage, then leave them both unlocked. * You carry jumper cables in your car. * You drink pop. You catch frogs at the crick. If you want someone to hear you, you holler at 'em. * You know that baling wire was the predecessor to duct tape. * You know that strangers are the only ones who come to your front door. * Kids and dogs ride in the passenger seats of cars and the backs of pickups. * You think nothing of driving on the roads and being stuck behind a farmimplement in spring and fall. You just hope it's not a hog truck or a manure spreader. * High school basketball games draw bigger crowds on the weekend than movie theaters. * Driving is better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow. * The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six for local sports. * You can repeat the scores of the last eight NBA games, but unless the MVP is a Hoosier, you're not sure who he is. * You can see at least two basketball hoops from your yard. * You can name every one of Bobby Knight's exploits over the last few years. * The biggest question of your youth was IU or Purdue. * Indianapolis is the BIG CITY. * Getting stuck by a train is a legitimate excuse for being late to school or work. * Everyone knows who the town cops are, where they live, and whether they're at home or on duty. * You've been to the Covered Bridge Festival. And you took back roads to get there. Why sit in traffic? * To you, tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef, but a big, salty, breaded, fried piece of pork served on a bun. * You end your sentences with prepositions, as in "Where's it at?" or "Where's he going to?" If you're a Hoosier or have Hoosier roots you'll have found everything mentioned perfectly normal. Dave Oesterreich, reporting from Indianapolis |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 17 Feb 04 - 12:30 PM A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot's voice comes over the intercom: "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto." However, he forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear the conversation in the cockpit... Co-pilot: "Well, Skipper, what are your plans for the night in Toronto?" Pilot: "Firstly, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a great big stinky dump! Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the big tits out for dinner. I'll wine her and dine her, then I plan to take her back to my room and bang her all night long." Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess. But she is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's carry-on bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry dear. He says he's gotta have a shit first." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 17 Feb 04 - 03:28 PM Top 10 Dogs' Pet Peeves Regarding Humans 1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny, not funny at all! 2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'm a friggin' DOG, you idiot! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... STOP it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows, ribbons and perfume (our sense of smell is 100 times better than yours; the goddam stuff stinks!). Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there. 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but we haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth... you're just jealous. 10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Sooz Date: 18 Feb 04 - 06:33 AM WHY WE FORWARD EMAIL JOKES This is indeed true. Read the whole message. A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind." Soooo... Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile... :) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST Date: 18 Feb 04 - 02:40 PM Paddy the piss-head.... Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the bartender, advises. "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy." Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" he exclaims. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up to the doorframe. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi 'Jesus ... I'm really focked!" He mumbles to himself. He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door and clambers up the door frame, opens the door and crawls inside. He takes a look up the stairs and utters. "No fockin' way!" But, very slowly, step by step, he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He mumbles. "Fock it!" ...and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of tea and says. "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy replies. "I did Mary, I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?" Mick called - you left your wheelchair at the pub. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,Guest 911 Date: 18 Feb 04 - 03:55 PM The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest. Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the city?" "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest. Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the county?" "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the county, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The dwarfs continue their interference. Dopey stands up and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the country?" The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!" Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a penguin." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: shankmac Date: 19 Feb 04 - 06:27 AM |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 19 Feb 04 - 07:12 AM - Ordering Pizza in 2010 - By: Author Unknown Operator "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..." Customer "Hi, I'd like to order... " Operator "May I have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610." Operator "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" Operator "We're wired into the system, sir." Customer (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..." Operator "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer "Whaddya mean?" Operator "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." Customer "Damn. What do you recommend, then?" Operator "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it" Customer "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" Operator "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?" Operator "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99." Customer "Lemme give you my credit card number." Operator "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here." Operator "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn." Customer "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?" Operator "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?" Operator "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it." Customer "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!" Operator "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop." Customer (Speechless) Operator "Will there be anything else, sir?" Customer "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas." Operator "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 19 Feb 04 - 10:25 AM A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Ironmule Date: 23 Feb 04 - 01:09 AM Talk about government waste. The Nova Scotia Government funded a major study last summer to figure out why so many crows were dying on a particular stretch of highway. Two summer students sat by the side of the highway all summer making observations that were inputted to the Government biologists for evaluation. The study (total cost $295,000.00) reveled that over 95% of the crows were in fact killed by trucks. It was observed the crows use a look-out system whereby one crow will sit in a tall tree or fly overhead to watch out for danger. If the look-out sees danger it will call out to warn the others. It seems that the look-out crows were only able to say "Caaaaawwwrrrr" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 23 Feb 04 - 03:40 AM In the mess the officers are discussing whether making love involves more fun or more hard work. The staff officers vote for 80% work and 20% fun. The captains decide for 50% fun and 50% work. the young lieutenants see 80% fun and 20% work. The colonel decides to hear another vote and calls for his batman. The batman decides: "It is 100% fun and no work. If the were the tiniest bit of work involved, we enlisted men should have to do it." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,Mappa Mundi Date: 23 Feb 04 - 09:35 AM Bloke walks in to a pub and orders a pint of bitter. He downs it in one, screws up his face and says ugh! Piss! And leaves. He returns the next day, orders a pint of bitter - drinks it in one, screws up his face says ugh! piss, and leaves. He returns the very next day, but, before he could say anything the landlord says to him " PISS OFF " The bloke says "Oh all right then .... I'll have a pint of mild" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 02 Mar 04 - 06:49 PM A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?" "Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately." "So I can't dance with my own wife?" "No." "Well, what about sex?" asks the man. "Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!" "What about different positions?" the man asks. "No problem," says the rabbi. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Why not?" replies the rabbi. "How about doggie-style?" "Of course!" "Well, what about standing up?" "NO!" says the rabbi.... "Why Not?" asks the man. "Could lead to dancing!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Gareth Date: 02 Mar 04 - 06:56 PM Hmmm ! - These same sex weddings are getting out of hand ! Why - I hear that in State of West Virginia a man married his own Uncle ! Gareth (PS - This side of the pond read the Forrest of Dean for West Virginia) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 03 Mar 04 - 12:13 AM A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover some widespread forest fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent an airplane and take photos from the air. The request was approved. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a single engine plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need some close-up shots." The pilot was silent for a moment, then finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Shanghaiceltic Date: 03 Mar 04 - 12:40 AM A twist on an old one. > > >Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg? >A wonky donkey > >Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye? >A winky wonky donkey > >Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and making love? >A bonky winky wonky donkey > >Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love while >farting? >A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey > >Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love, >farting and wearing blue suede shoes? >A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey > >Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, >farting,wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano? >A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey > >Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, >farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus? >.. >..scroll down. >.. >.. >.. >.. >.. >: >: > > >.. >.. >.. >.. >.. >.. >.. >.. >.. >.. >.. >.. >.. > >F**kin' talented! > |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Mickey191 Date: 03 Mar 04 - 01:03 AM There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One morning as he looked into the mirror to admire his body he noticed that he was suntanned all over, with one exception, his penis. He decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other old lady, "There really is no justice in the world!" The other old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first old lady said, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm to old to squat." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Mar 04 - 11:02 AM "Wacky Warning Labels" Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product." That warning is the first place winner of the 2004 Wacky Warning Label Contest. The Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a group whose goal is to show that the fear of frivolous lawsuits has led to a loss of corporate common sense, sponsors the annual contest for the wackiest warning labels. Second place: On a snow sled: "Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions." Third place: On a 12-inch-high storage rack for compact discs: "Do not use as a ladder." Fourth place: A 5-inch fishing lure with three nasty steel hooks advises it is "Harmful if swallowed." Too bad fish can't read! Previous winners in the "Wacky Warning Label Contest" are presented here for your amusement and amazement: --A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions, "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." --A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user: "Remove child before folding." --A bottle of prescription sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness." --A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." --A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult." --An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." --A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 03 Mar 04 - 11:09 AM A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Edinburgh decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would receive their decision in a couple of days. Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went to the club and asked why. The reply was another question: "Well, you're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye, so I was born here, " he answered, "But I'm Scottish as you are yourself." "Well, you understand that we wear our kilts regimental style," he was told, "With nothing on underneath but God's own clean air." "Aye, all ken that right enough." "And, being Jewish, you're bound to be circumcised?" "Aye, I am that." "Well," the official explained, "The Board decided that the membership would not tolerate a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och! Away with ye, man!" the Jew cried. "I know I need to be a Protty to march in the Orangemans' Parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first I've heard that a man has to be a complete prick to be a Scot!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,JTT Date: 03 Mar 04 - 03:05 PM A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in South Roscommon and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Roscommon fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Roscommon fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Roscommon fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Roscommon fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Cork fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Cork fan?" "Because my Mum and Dad are from Cork, and my mum is a Cork fan and my dad is a Cork fan, so I'm a Cork fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cork fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Galway fan." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Auxiris Date: 05 Mar 04 - 03:41 AM This is a little test that only has one question, but will say a lot about you. It is important to answer only after long reflection and after having been careful to read everything. An honest answer will make it possible to evaluate your sense of morals. This has to do with an imaginary situation, in which you must make an important decision. Be honest! Scroll down slowly and read the text as it appears. It is important for the test not to go too fast in order to not answer too quickly or without having understood exactly what is at stake. You are in Florida. . . . . . more precisely, in Miami. You find yourself in a situation of complete chaos after a horrendous flood. . . . . . incredible quatities of water are everywhere. You are a photographer for CNN. . . . . . and you are in the midst of this disaster. You are attempting to take the photo that will make you famous. . . . . . and houses are being washed away by the raging water around you and people are drowning. Nature's destructive forces are destroying. . . . . . and sweeping away everything in their path. Suddenly, you see a man in a jeep. . . . . . he is trapped in his vehicle and fighting against the waves. You move closer. . . . . . and are astounded to notice. . . . . . that you recognise him: it's G. W. Bush! You notice that he only has a few second before he is carried away by the current. . . . . . but you can save him! However, it's also the occasion to take the photo that will make you famous. . . . . . the photo that will win you the Pulitzer Prize and that will make you fabulously rich! the photo of the death of the world's most powerful man, in a position even more pathetic than Saddam when he was arrested. Now answer the question and be totally honest: Matt or glossy? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Pseudolus Date: 05 Mar 04 - 02:15 PM Rather than rehash this one, I'll just reference the former thread: BS: A Moral Dilemma |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Folkiedave Date: 05 Mar 04 - 06:06 PM Man walks into a bar dressed as Shakespeare. "Get out," said the Barman, "you're barred". Dave www.collectorsfolk.co.uk |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 05 Mar 04 - 09:33 PM There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw." But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles." The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep." However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas." So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else." After awhile he came back with a couple of pills. The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?" The dentist said, "Viagra." The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?" The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 05 Mar 04 - 09:57 PM ROFL Uncle DaveO! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 06 Mar 04 - 12:07 PM Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now, said the Human Resources Rep during the orientation briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised to behave. But four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, denying they knew anything about it. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Okay, which one of you idiots ate her?" A hand was raised hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader hissed. "This was a sweet deal. For weeks we've been eating Middle Management and no one noticed anything. But you had to blow things and take a secretary..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 22 Mar 04 - 04:01 AM A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, .....and I get $43 back from Medicare." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: freda underhill Date: 22 Mar 04 - 04:10 AM hi, if you're looking for a good laugh, I suggest you try JOhn from Hull's thread, BS: Assorted Silliness from Hull it has a link to a website he has made, and is the funniest thing I ve read for a long time, I laughed and laughed! best wishes fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 22 Mar 04 - 06:38 AM Dear freda - a fine advice you give here, but - when searching the Forum with Assorted Silliness from Hull I only found your message in this thread. Perhaps the cause is that you use correct orthography. Please try to give the correct thread name with all the misspellings I have learned to expect from jOhn. I'm eager for a good laugh, too. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: freda underhill Date: 22 Mar 04 - 06:46 AM sorry, wilfried, i still haven't worked out how to do these blue clickies, even tho the instructions are so simple (hmm).. but there it is in the BS threads, called just that, on today's page.. BS: Assorted Silliness from Hull hope you get there! best wishes fred |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 22 Mar 04 - 06:46 AM ... but I found it with exactly these words with google. Rum, very rum, indeed. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 22 Mar 04 - 08:51 AM ... and we see here that a post is answered in the same minute (6:46), so I think Joe's record is gone. freda - to make a blue clickie type < a href=", insert the URL, close with ">, put a link name in and put < /a > at the end. I had to put in spaces between brackets and characters to avoid a fake link. The only space must be between a and href=. then it will look like freda's advice. Instead of a link name you may insert the URL: http://www.mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=65778&messages=97&page=2#1142684 |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 23 Mar 04 - 06:27 AM Wilfried: as listed in the FAQs, your second link takes the long route to the thread in question. It directs the browser to Mudcat, via the WWW, and then to the thread. To link to a thread within Mudcat you only require the section of the URL following "mudcat.org/" i.e "thread.cfm?threadid=65778&messages=97&page=2#1142684 " In fact, to get the whole thread you don't need the qualifiers showing the number of messages etc. so "thread.cfm?threadid=65778" is sufficient to get the thread CHEERS Nigel |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 23 Mar 04 - 06:30 AM We now return you to the jokes: Two old men sitting in deckchairs. One says to the other "Nice out isn't it?" The other replies "Yes, but put it away, here come some women!" Nigel (stolen from Morecambe & Wise!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Splott Man Date: 23 Mar 04 - 07:46 AM And you got number 100! Congrats. I was saving up this one up. here goes anyway.... They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. They're not laughing now! (Bob Monkhouse) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 23 Mar 04 - 08:16 AM Once upon a time Charlemagne rode out into the forest of Aix-la-Chapelle. There he met an old missus collecting herbs. "Good morning, Charlemagne!" said the old missus. "Good morning, old missus!" said Charlemagne. Such and similar stories are still told in Aix-la-Chapelle about Charlemagne's affability. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 23 Mar 04 - 09:55 AM Maybe I'm dense, but I don't understand that Charlemagne post. What's funny--or even interesting--about it? Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 23 Mar 04 - 10:38 AM Nothing interesting; Emperor Charlemagne +814 A.D. Cf. Freud's definition of a joke. Maybe the anticlimax is the funniest thing about it. It's difficult to find sexless jokes nowadays, isn't it? Wilfried |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Larkin Date: 23 Mar 04 - 01:00 PM A fellow loses an ear in an accident and they replace with one from a pig , cut and trimmed to size . Everything was fine until he started listening to music and then he kept getting crackling!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jim Dixon Date: 23 Mar 04 - 06:17 PM The Charlemagne story by itself is boring, but the Charlemagne story combined with the following 2 posts is hilarious. I guess you had to be there -- in A. D. 814 or so. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 23 Mar 04 - 11:28 PM I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe try again for a little of that old magic. "Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She laughed and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with trousers that are a few sizes bigger than before!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought fat bald men were cute and sexy! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of kilos myself!" So I hung up... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 23 Mar 04 - 11:34 PM DON'T EVER LIE TO MOMMA!!! John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate Julie Was. She had long be suspicious of a relationship between John and Julie, and this made her only more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and Julie than met the eye. reading his Mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 24 Mar 04 - 06:22 AM To rephrase Wilfried's comment It's difficult to find sexless jokes nowadays, isn't it? It's hard to find, for love or money, A joke that's clean, and also funny! Nigel |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 25 Mar 04 - 05:57 AM Jim - so at last the story about our first emperor was good for something. Thanks to Dave and Nigel, too. But I'm still of the opinion that it's a little bit funny because it's so full of nonsense and boring. Now let me tell the story behind it. Some 30 years ago a writer in a periodical asked the readers to send in their favourite jokes. I sent this, and soon got a letter. The writer thanked me for the feedback; he had invented and published it anonymously in the same periodical some 10 years ago. Wilfried. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 25 Mar 04 - 06:00 AM But now something totally different: The lovers passionately embraced on her bed. Their bodies fused together as they gyrated and undulated and panted. Then, suddenly, the woman cocked her ear. "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you," she replied with a wink and a smile. "Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. "Who the devil are you?" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied. "But... but you've got no clothes on!" stammered the husband. The lover looked down, jumped backwards in surprise, and said, "The little bastards!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 26 Mar 04 - 03:16 AM Oh my god! I didn't realize when sending the last post that it is number 111. Any number composed of the same cyphers (3 or more)is called a schnapps number in German folklore. The owner of this number has to stand a round of hard beverages to the participants. Any contributor to this thread is kindly requested to report when visiting my hometown Friedberg or the Eurogathering in Hull for this purpose. Wilfried |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: MudGuard Date: 26 Mar 04 - 03:29 AM I will do so at the Eurogathering. Ok, up to now, my participation in this thread was limited to reading, but I don't see any exclusion of reading in your offer ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 26 Mar 04 - 04:39 AM shit --- but you are welcome ;)> |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: MudGuard Date: 26 Mar 04 - 05:38 AM ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Nigel Parsons Date: 26 Mar 04 - 05:39 AM Wilfried: in UK 111 is often known as "Nelson", especially by darts players. This is explained that he had one arm, one eye, and one .... CHEERS Nigel |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 26 Mar 04 - 07:14 AM Well, that's REALLY funny. Thanks, Nigel, for enlarging my treasure of folklore. Wilfried |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Gareth Date: 26 Mar 04 - 08:22 AM and one ..... Ambition Nigel, ambition ! Gareth |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Rapparee Date: 26 Mar 04 - 09:19 AM A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, was cornered by an over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how his sins caused his heart attack, and how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack. The tired patient responded sarcastically, "Don't be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 26 Mar 04 - 09:36 AM During the bombing of Berlin [a mostly Lutheran area] the children were evacuated to calmer regions. A lot of them went to Bavaria [mostly Catholic] and were cared for at a nunnery. The nuns entertained the cute little heathen with a lot of pious stories all the day, but sometimes there was a change of subject. So the children were asked: "Now what is this, it's small, brown and jumping from twig to twig?" A small boy answered: "At home I would say it is a squirrel, but considering all the shop here it must be Dear Little Jesus again!" Yeah, I know, not too funny, but cf. the post above: From: Nigel Parsons - PM Date: 24 Mar 04 - 06:22 AM |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,harlowpoet Date: 27 Mar 04 - 03:04 AM A story to warm your heart! This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a gang of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.One day a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the big hairy builders (but all with hearts of gold.)more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunchbreaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so. "Provided those cunts at Jewson deliver the fucking bricks on time." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 17 Apr 04 - 03:12 AM From Español 101: Este era un señor que era muy pedorro. Cada noche, antes de acostarse, se metía al baño y allí se echaba una sarta de pedos tronados y bien ruidosos: (There was this man who blew lots of farts. Every night before he hit the sack, he'd go to the bathroom, and there blow and blow the loudest string of huge noisy smelly farts:) -¡FRAAAAAAA-AP! ¡FRAAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAAP!¡FRAAA-AAAAAAAAAPRRRRRTLTFFFFFF! (Spanish fart noises) Después de escuchar semejante "concierto", su esposa siempre le decía: (After hearing this seminal "concert" his wife would always say:) -¡Desgraciado...! ¡Un día de estos se te van a salir las tripas....! ("You are a disgrace!!! One of these days you are going to blow the guts right out of your ass!!") Un buen día, su esposa decidió jugarle una broma. Compró diez kilos de tripas de cerdo y, antes de que su marido entrara en el baño, las colocó a un lado del excusado. El marido entró y, como de costumbre, empezó a hacer ruidos extraños: (One fine day, his wife decided to play a joke on him. She bought 10 kilos of pig tripe at the supermarket, and before he went to the bathroom at night she tossed them in the toilet. Her husband, like usual, began making rude strange noises:) -¡FRAAAAAAA-AP! ¡FRAAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAAP!¡FRAAAAA..! ¡...! ¡AAAAAAAAAAARGH...! (more Spanish fart noises... and a manly Spanish scream!) Y después de eso, un silencio sepulcral. (And after, that, a long deathly silence) La esposa, al principio, se rio a carcajadas. Pero, al ver que su esposo no salía del baño, comenzó a preocuparse. Por fin, un rato después, se atrevió a asomarse dentro del baño. Su marido estaba sentado, recargado en la pared, y con la cara verdosa. (His wife at first began to laugh her ass off. But, after seeing her husband didn't leave the bathroom, she began to worry. At last, a little while later, she began to peer into the bathroom. Her hubby was sitting, leaning back against the wall, with a greenish tint to his face.) -¡Viejo...! ¿Qué te pasó...? -Le dijo, preocupada-. ("Old Man! What happened?" she said, worriedly.) -¡Nada vieja! Que, tal como tú me decías, se me salieron las tripas. Pero con la ayuda de Dios, y este dedito..... ya está todo en su lugar otra vez.- ("Nothing, old lady! But like you said, my guts finally blew out my ass! But with the grace of God and this little finger, I got them all back in.") Oh well... perhaps it loses something in the translation... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 Apr 04 - 12:04 AM 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor: "Pardon me... Do you have any Grey Poupon?" 2. Say: "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say: "Damn, this water's cold." 5. Drop a marble and say: "Oh shit, NO! My glass eye!" 6. Say: "Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before." 7. Grunt and strain really loudly for 30 seconds and then drop an orange into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Then sigh relaxingly. 8. Say: "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say: "Hummus!... reminds me of hummus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling: "Whoa! Easy big fella!" 11. Say: "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers." 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and flip the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say: "Whoops! Could you kick that back over here please?" 13. Say imploringly: "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now." 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the leftover fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say loudly: "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." 16. Say: "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 17. Play the drum solo from "Wipeout" over and over again on your butt cheeks. 18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressing Serial Killers' Anonymous" newsletter on the floor in full sight of the adjacent stall. 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say: "Peek-a-boo!" 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor in the stall and sing "Born Free". |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Georgiansilver Date: 19 Apr 04 - 02:36 PM Finding the electric chair to be faulty, the Government called in Paddy to fix it. After three hours work, they found Paddy with the chair in pieces and said is everything alright Paddy?..Paddy replied..."It's a good job you called me in sir...this thing is a bloody death trap"!!! Four guys went shooting and one shot a deer....taking a part of it each..they went home and one of them, whose children were pretty fussy over food, decided not to tell them what it was....At dinner, one of the kids said "What on earth is this"? and the man said "I won't actually tell you what it is, but I will give you a hint, It is something your mother calls me very often"..... One of the other kids said "No don't eat it, it's arsehole"!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Georgiansilver Date: 19 Apr 04 - 05:29 PM well at least read the above jokes if you can't write anything yourself |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 20 Apr 04 - 10:15 AM "Having Some Fun with A Wrong Number" It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" I said. A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?" "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded. "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00." Silence on the other end... a confused silence. "Is this Steve?" My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?" "Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice. I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00." A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?" "The girl he went out with." "I know that! I mean... who is she?" "I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?" "Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home." She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?" She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't. "Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake." "Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home." I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..." *Click* Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST Date: 27 Apr 04 - 03:57 AM "Happy anniversary Mom and dad," gushed son number one, "Sorry I'm running late - had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the dad - "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great dad, Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present- sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, glad you were able to be here." Just then, the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing - so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again, the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well - your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and sent you all to college. We always knew we loved each other but... we never got around to getting married." The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS?" "Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST Date: 27 Apr 04 - 03:59 AM A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest asks. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaims, then he thinks for a moment. "You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time. "Thank you," the woman says. "This may be the solution." The next day, she brings her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees that his two male parrots are inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cry out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There is stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and says, "Put those beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Georgiansilver Date: 27 Apr 04 - 07:07 AM The above joke from GUEST was an original of mine which was actually done in poetry and called "The power of prayer"..... Mrs Brown had a wayward parrot, A pretty young thing called Flo. Who was always swearing and talking, In sexual innuendo. Mrs Brown went for tea with the pastor, One Sunday evening last year. Where she saw his old parrot praying, Which gave her a clever idea. She asked the pastor at tea time, Can I borrow your old parrot "Rex" To try to influence my parrot Flo, Who talks of nothing but sex. She took Rex home the same evening, He prayed all the way in the car. She was really impressed by the old bird, Whose manners outshone Flos by far. But as soon as she put him in Flos cage, She realised her greatest fears. Flo said "Do you want some Rex" and Rex said, "I've been praying for this for years" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: SueB Date: 27 Apr 04 - 01:20 PM Okay, time for some Buddy Hackett: Have you heard the one about the guy who goes to the doctor with a dot on his forehead? The doctor says, "Oh my God! I've never seen this before, but I read about it in medical school. In six weeks you're going to have a full-sized penis growing out of your forehead!" "Well, cut it out!" says the patient. "I can't," says the doctor. "It's attached to your brain - you'd die." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "So you're saying that in six weeks every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I'm going to see a penis growing out of my forehead?" "Oh, you won't see it," says the doctor. "The balls will cover your eyes." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Georgiansilver Date: 27 Apr 04 - 05:14 PM So this woman goes into the vets with a duck...a dead duck. The vet says "your duck is dead"...she says "No it's in a coma" He insists it is dead but she insists it isn't. The vet leaves the room and comes back in followed by his Labrador dog...the dog sniffs the duck and turns away to walk out of the room. He then calls his cat in and it sniffs the duck....then swiftly turns to walk away. The vet then says "Your duck is dead and that will be £80 please" She said "that is a lot of money"...to which he replied "well the charge for ascertaining the duck was dead would have been £20...but you insisted it was alive so the extra charged is for the Lab report and the cat scan". |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 28 Apr 04 - 05:12 AM A full version of the Dead Duck can be found here, with the cat scan. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jim Dixon Date: 28 Apr 04 - 11:31 AM A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 08 May 04 - 06:49 AM On the Nile, a small steamship runs over a riverboat. The boat is sinking fast, the passengers struggling for their lives. Immediately the crocodiles get into motion and are approaching the site of the accident. Aboard the steamship the tourists are watching. One says to another: "These Egyptians! Not the slightest idea how to steer a boat - but the lifeboats must be designed by Lacoste!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 10 May 04 - 05:45 AM Ancient Greek Humor Mortal: What is a million years like to you? Zeus: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you? Zeus: Like one mite. Mortal: Can I have a mite? Zeus: Just a second... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Georgiansilver Date: 10 May 04 - 10:33 AM Man goes into Chemists and asks the man...(quietly)...behind the counter what he thinks of Viagra, as he has heard so much about it. The Chemist says "It is absolutely wonderful..I take one half an hour before I finish work and when I get home, my wife and I are at it all night from tea time" The man looked at him and quietly whispered to him. "Can you get it over the counter?" The Chemist replied..."Yes I can if I take two"!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 10 May 04 - 07:53 PM For Parents.... Remember this the next time you are having a bad day. Even beating your head against a brick wall uses 150 calories..... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST Date: 11 May 04 - 02:23 AM A Young Couple . . . On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 11 May 04 - 02:12 PM A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the checkout belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "Ha! You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items being checked out. But she could see nothing particularly unusual about her selections. She turned to the drunk, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause yer ugly." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 11 May 04 - 02:39 PM Archaeologist finds 3000 year old mummy An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 12 May 04 - 10:08 PM How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to change the bulb and three to serve refreshments. How many Catholic priests does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to screw it in, one to take confession, and one more to move the first priest to another parish. How many Fundamentalists does it take to change a lightbulb? Change it yourself. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs. How many Televangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But for the message of hope to continue, send your donation today! How many unbelievers does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But they're still in darkness. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 13 May 04 - 05:08 AM Why was Cleopatra so negative? Because she was queen of denial. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Georgiansilver Date: 13 May 04 - 06:31 AM (Q)How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb? (A)Three...one to actually change it and two to determine if it really wants to change. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 13 May 04 - 11:31 AM How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? The question is moot. The government will take care of it for us. And several years later an RCMP commission will discover backroom members and their business cronies have been pocketing light bulbs for years while we sit in the dark. Okay, that one wasn't funny. Just a bit too close to home |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jim Dixon Date: 13 May 04 - 03:59 PM *I.T. Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form* 1. Describe your problem: ______________________________ 2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__ 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ 7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes__ 10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__ 11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__ 12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__ 13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__ 14. If 'Yes,' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? ____________ 15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________ 16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ________________________________ 17. If 'nothing,' explain why you were logged in: ___________________ 18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__ 19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________ 20. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________ 21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__ 22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__ |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 14 May 04 - 12:01 AM The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she acquiesced with a slur, obviously very drunk. But when Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of the young lady, whose flailing about had inadvertently hiked her skirt up to her waist. The barkeep looked over to see what the fuss was and said, "Oi, Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The reverend looked up at the landlord indignantly and said, "No, you don't understand... I am Pastor Flapps." The barkeep shrugged and said, "Ah, right... well, if you've got that far, you might as well finish then." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 14 May 04 - 12:13 AM An octogenarian man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"" "There's something wrong with my prick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that. "Why not?" he asked. "You asked me what was wrong and I told you." The receptionist replied, "Because you've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." "Oh... okay." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered the waiting room. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And is this a serious problem with your ear, sir?" "Yep. There's blood and pus coming out of it and it burns like a fucker when I piss out of it," the man replied. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 14 May 04 - 05:39 AM Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek ------------------------------- .......................................................... Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail. .......................................................... There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision. Medical Technology ------------------ On Star Trek, the doctors have hand-held devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices. Transporter ----------- It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies. 'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.' If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage. If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck. Holodeck -------- For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister. Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage. I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention. Sex with Aliens --------------- According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
----------------------------------- Me: May I touch that? Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years. Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it. Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago. Phasers ------- I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense is credible.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along. And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated. Cyborgs ------- Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most. I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.' It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long. I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg. The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service. Shields ------- I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with. I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
------------------------ Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin. Saleswoman: I oughta slug you! Me: Try it. My shields are up. Saleswoman: Damn! Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me. Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable. Me: Nice try. ------------------ If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time. Vulcan Death Grip ----------------- Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident. 'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.' I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!' And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek. .......................................................... Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice with the text. .......................................................... |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Georgiansilver Date: 14 May 04 - 09:20 AM An octogenarian walked into the Doctors surgery and told the Doctor.."Doctor, I want my sex drive lowering". The doctor replied.."At your age it's all in your head man".....The man replied."That's what I mean doctor..I want it lowering"!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: freda underhill Date: 16 May 04 - 08:41 AM President Bush said he will not punish Donald Rumsfeld. Which is good, because no one wants to see pictures of a naked, old man. Who would have ever thought that more naked pictures would come out under the Bush administration than under the Clinton administration? The big story continues to be the torment of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. troops ... Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's been getting a lot of heat. Up until today, a lot of people thought he might step down or get pushed out, but this morning, President Bush said Rumsfeld's doing a 'superb' job. Wait until he finds out 'superb' means 'good.' Donald Rumsfeld testified before Congress today. Donald Rumsfeld said he didn't read the report on Iraqi prisoners because it was too long and it contained too much information. When he heard this, President Bush said 'Hey that's my line.' |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: freda underhill Date: 16 May 04 - 08:42 AM It's a good thing there are no gay people in the military because otherwise weird sex stuff might happen. The Bush administration is now asking Congress for another 25 billion for the war in Iraq. I don't know what they're going to be buying with this money, but I think we can rule out anymore digital cameras. Foreign policy experts say that this Iraqi prison abuse thing could be a real setback in relations between American and Arab countries. But it was going so well up until this. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 16 May 04 - 09:10 AM Interesting jokes Freda.... ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,Mickey Date: 17 May 04 - 02:54 AM Little girl pricks her hand whilst being shown how to sew by her mother. She said "Mum, I need some cider" Her mum asked why and she told her...Well Mary(15yr old sister of girl) says if she gets a prick in her hand she has to get it in cider"!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:19 AM A drunk staggers down main street and up the stairs of a cathedral. He crashes from pew to pew before making his way into a confessional. A priest watches the man's progress, then bustles over to enter his side of the booth to take the drunkard's confession. But there is no sound from the other side, save a few breaths and grunts and coughs. Then he hears a muffled but earnest "Damn!" "May I help you, my son?" the priest asks in concern. "Yeah, thanks, buddy," comes the drunk's voice from beyond the screen. "Got any paper on your side?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:21 AM A distraught nun enters the office of the Mother Superior. "Mother Superior," she cries. "We've discovered a case of syphilis in the convent." "Lovely!" replies the old nun. "I was getting damn sick of the Chablis." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:22 AM Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone street. The first one says to the other, "I've never come this way before. How about you?" "Nope," the second one says. "It's the cobbles." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:23 AM Two nuns in the bathtub together... First one says, "Where's the soap?" Second one says, "It does a bit, doesn't it?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:25 AM A priest and a rabbi are watching a fight in a boxing arena. One of the fighters crosses himself before the opening bell sounds. "What exactly does that mean to you Christians?" the rabbi asks. "Fuck all, if he can't fight," replies the priest. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Cluin Date: 19 May 04 - 02:25 AM Two Anglican ministers on the train discuss the present sad state of sexual morality. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," says the first minister self-righteously. "How about you?" "Maybe," admits the second minister. "What was her maiden name?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:31 AM You can look in the Second Joke Thread for 2004 for more humour. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:16 PM "Special Request" The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics." |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:17 PM "Wisdom" Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your behind will get soaking wet. The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead. |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 09 Jun 04 - 07:15 PM Subject: Please close thread From: foolestroupe Date: 09-Jun-04 - 12:36 AM The 'First Joke Thread for 2004' could be closed now please .... it's quite enough of a bulky file when downloaded. Robin Subject: RE: Please close thread From: Joe Offer Date: 09-Jun-04 - 01:15 PM Hi, Robin - we don't close threads any more because of size. You'll notice on the Forum Menu, that the number of messages for long threads is a clickable link. If you click that link, you'll see that the thread is nicely split into segments. I deleted your second joke thread and moved the messages into the first one. If you really want to, go ahead and start a second joke thread - but there really isn't any need. -Joe Offer- Subject: RE: Please close thread From: foolestroupe Date: 09-Jun-04 - 07:03 PM welll,, I did what I did because the thread is over 150Kb and takes 1) ages to download 2) accumulatelively burns larger & larger chunks of download allocation. I have stopped opening really large threads like MOAB etc. OK - no more daily jokes... Robin
-Joe Offer- |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Amos Date: 11 Jun 04 - 11:56 PM I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 12 Jun 04 - 09:34 PM Dave O: Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? That is the funniest image I have 'seen' in five years. You have made my day. Thank you. LMAO Bruce M |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: JennyO Date: 13 Jun 04 - 05:48 AM Well here we are almost into the second half of 2004, and this is STILL called the First Joke Thread for 2004. Maybe it needs a name change? A friend of mine sent me these - signs seen around the world: Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. Cocktail Lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. At a Budapest Zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD. Doctor's Office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Hotel Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE, THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR. Dry Cleaner's, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. Sign in men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK, TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT. In a Nairobi Restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION. On an Athi River Highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. In a City Restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE. A sign seen on an automatic restroom handdryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB. Tokyo Hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE PROHIBITED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. Hotel Notice: Tokyo: IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING, PLEASE NOT TO HAVE NOTICED. On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Hotel Room Notice: Chaing-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM. Hotel Brochure: Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE. Hotel Lobby, Bucharest: THIS LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. Hotel Elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. Hotel Yugoslavia: THE FLATENNING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION. Supermarket, Hongkong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE. From a Soviet Weekly: THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERSAND SCULPTORS. THESE WHERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IN RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS. Hotel Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICKLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BED ROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. An advertisement by a Hongkong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVER CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? In the window on a Swedish furrier: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE CREAM |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 14 Jun 04 - 01:53 AM JennyO - may I draw your attention to the Second Joke Thread for 2004? |
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 14 Jun 04 - 06:35 AM Without Prior Public Announcement... The Mudcat Second Joke Thread for 2004 is back! Which Joke Thread do you support? Vote with your Jokes Now! The Fooles Troupe |
