Campsite at Drumcree II

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 11:59 AM

Forgot to add a new wee link in earlier:
Campsite at Drumcree III. Now we're suckin' diesel!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Johnny Logan
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 05:34 AM

That's terrible, that is!

I've had the same many's a time. I mind one night I had a bit of an all night ree-ra wi' the Corrs. The next day I just plastered the boyo in Sudocrem and wrapped it up with a bit of cling-film and I was right as rain by dinnertime!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Daniel O'Donnell
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 05:32 AM

I'm done, right enough, Johnny.

I've just spent all night in an orgy with Cherish the Ladies and my tadger's in raw beef, so it is!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Johnny Logan
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 05:29 AM

Daniel ...

What's up with you, boy?

You look pure punctured!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Paddy Moloney
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 05:25 AM

(Dressed in WWII combats, with monocle and waxed moustache, with chanter tucked under arm in manner of swagger stick. Lesser Chieftains are assembled before him. Derek Bell is conspicuous by his absence. Behind him is a large map of North Armagh.)

OK! Settle down, chaps!

The worst has happened ... as I feared it might. Bell is running dangerously low on drugs. Now, God knows he's an eejit ON drugs, but if they wear off altogether, then anything could happen.

Now let's recap.

Bell was a mild-mannered, docile chap till we made thon album with the Rolling Stones on it. I don't know what went on between him and Keith Richards - but I can hazard a pretyy damned good guess. Yez all know what happened when we put thon album to bed! Bell was forever hangin' aroun' backstage at Napalm Death reunions and there were rumours that he was goin' to start playing guitar for Marilyn Manson. (Only that Cradle of Filth got him on-board to guest on the album they were makin' at the time, I think we might have lost him.)

But them boys just indulged his oul' drug habit. And now he's a fiend.

But we've got to keep him goin' till this oul' sesh is over and then we can book him back into The Priory or the ETU at Craigavon ...

Which is where you come in!

We need to keep him supplied.

So Conneff (he gestures at the map) I want you to scour Lurgan. Go into every seedy pub and see what you can get your hands on.

Fay ... you do Portydown.

Keane ... Maghery and points west.

Molloy ... Armagh.

I'll take on Craigavon.

Let's get to it, lads! There'll be an extra fiver in his pay-packet for the man that delivers the goods! Be careful out there!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Father O'Donovan
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 04:31 AM

Jaysus ... but this place is a den of iniquity!

It's all I can do, by wailin' into them with my walkin' stick, to keep the Girls of Banbridge and The Rollickin' Boys Around Tandragee from gettin' together and indulgin' in God know's what manner of carnal divilment!

If yez were to get on yer knees, ye bundle of haythins, and say yer beads, it'd be better for yez in the long run!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Catering Department
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 04:25 AM

We'll start again ... Eamonn Holmes tried to ate the han' aff me!

Today's Menu

STARTERS Hairy Eel a la Derryadd Bog-hole Pike Goujons

ENTREES Nettle Champ Scallion Champ Spuds and Raw Egg Vegetable Roll and Sodie Bread Veda and Cheese

DESSERT Apple Bread Gravy Rings Cookies with Red Stuff

WINE LIST Buckfast 2002 Mundies 2002 Scotch Mac 2002 QC 2002

OTHER BEVERAGES Purple Tennents Special Brew Diamond White Watermelon Hooch (for the ladies) Baileys (for Eamonn Holmes)

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Catering Department
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 04:18 AM

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Tannoy Announcement
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 04:17 AM

Is there a doctor in the house?

If so could they make their way to the sick bay.

A young lady by the name of Jane Falloon has turned up with a pimple on her nose like a balloon. It needs immediate lancing if she's to avoid blood poisoning.

Also ... if there's a dentist in the house, could they accompany the doctor? By her breath 'tis plain to see that this young lady's had scallions for her tea. Bring extra-minty toothpaste and a gallon of Listerine.

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Roy Walker
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 03:59 AM

I didn't think much of it!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Frank Carson
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 03:58 AM

Well sure, when you're here, give us one of them oul Josef Locke numbers like you sung in thon fillum a few years back.

Thon was a class wee movie, by the way!

Fuckin weeker!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Adrian Dunbar
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 03:56 AM

Nah ... I got a lift with me oul' mate, James Galway.

Liam said he'd try to thumb a lift with Amanda Burton. I saw her at the Saintfield Roundabout, stickin' her thumb out and wi' Neeson hunkerin' down behind a boartree bush.

Galway stopped the car and just as Burton drew level, he pulled off and I did a big moonie out the back windy.

Fuckin class laugh!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Aisling McGuckian
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 03:53 AM

I thought you were comin' down wi' Neeson? Where's he at?

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Adrian Dunbar
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 03:52 AM

There's no flies on you Miss Helen ... it was me in a dress, trying to have yez all on!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Miss Helen
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 03:50 AM

Excuse me for being pedantic, but isn't it spelt Miss A-D-R-I-E-N-N-E?

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Miss Adrian
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 03:48 AM

All right, boys, settle down! Miss Adrian's in the house and we're all going to have a nice time together, aren't we?

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,The ghost of Billy Wright
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 02:32 AM

D'ya know. If I was alive, I'd be turning in my grave just about now.

Daniel O' Donnel?

Ha!

He knows as much about singin', as my arse knows about snipe shooting!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Johnny Adair
Date: 05 Feb 02 - 02:16 AM

An' there I was, goin' over the town clock, and the Bann bridge strikin' eight, gettin' the noseful of Denny's in one ear, and them shower of bastards desecrating the hill, in the other.

Me oul' biy was right, ye know: You don't walk The Walk, until you talk the talk.

Where the fucks McKeever? He plays The Kesh in E minor!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Red Rover Red Rover Send Connie Dover Over
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 12:22 PM

This cowgirl can attest to the fact that it's only his ego that's big.

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Phil Cunningham
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 12:18 PM

Wot the fok happened to me MBE? Don't you know who I am?

Waddya mean there's no more room for egos in the tent?

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Wasted Again In Dollywood
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:58 AM

Well you fellers better wise up and listen to my girl Mairead, or me and my Nashville girls are gonna hafta be kickin' yer butts all the way down that Drumcree holler!

Mairead honey, sing Big Ian that line from Barbry Allen in Irish again, woncha? Such a purty soundin little thing, ain't she? Did I tell you my folks was hill people too, just like y'all up there on Drumcree? And look, there's Emmylou now. Don't she look like the Shan Van Vocht just walked thru her! Bringin' all that Starvin' Kathleen back to her homeys, ain't she?

Listen up you fellas! No more blonde jokes, hear me? Mine's just a wig, but that little wisp o' smoke Mairead here might take it personal.

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Tannoy Announcement
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:52 AM

Would competitors in the unintelligible singing competition please make their way to the front of the stage.

That's Shane MacGowan, Van Morrison, Terry Woods, Cathy Jordan ... please proceed to the front of the stage.

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Triona Ni Domhnaill
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:48 AM

It's all right Maire.

I got your stash off him!

Have you seen our Micheál anywhere?

He said he was goin' up to get me a vodka and coke and that was two hours ago!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Maire Clannad
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:41 AM

I wouldn't worry about it Nance ...

The sister's just done a great version of "Once In A Very Blue Moon" with an oul' sampled dolphin track as accompaniment. She's a fockin' geg, thon one!

And they tell me Shane MacGowan and Van Morrison are gonny do a version of "Speed Of The Sounny Loneliness" bdfore the night's out. And while I know it's not one of yours, you'll be forever associated with it for me!

(Aaaaaah!)

Now where's thon wee hoor Bell! He's only after nickin' my stash, the wee shite!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Johnny Walker Red Offense/Defense Committee
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:34 AM

Sure, they aren't telling stories about the lad now, but before he went away to school and grew the beard, I had him up to the flat in Temple Bar, he drank me under the table and then leapt off the balcony.

I have to say, us wee girls are feeling more than a bit left out of the "That Side of the Atlantic Sessions"

Yours From a Distance,

Nancy Griffiths

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Daniel O'Donnell
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:31 AM

He'd be no good for a night out with Bell, then.

Jaysus ... would you look at thon man neckin' anawr bottle of Buckie. I don't know where he puts it! I reckon it's only the speed that keeps him upright.

He can fair play thon harp though ... drunk or sober ... I heard him picking a few Van Halen numbers last night and he was scorchin', man!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Enya
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:28 AM

Ah l'ave him, Daniel and come back over here and give me anawr wee squeeze.

I hear your man Walker's no crack at all. Doesn't even take a drink.

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Daniel O'Donnell
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:23 AM

Er ...

I don't know you from a goat, there John!

But if you're carrying any disco biscuits or kung fu stars or even a line or two of fiddler's elbow, you can sing us any song you like. As long as it isn't Okie From Muskogee.

Or "The Fightin' Side Of Me".

Etc.

You see we have our own bigots to contend with here, surprise, surprise!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Bertie Aherne
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:18 AM

Jaysus get Dick Spring to get Christie Moore to lend me his Louden and his Gibson Flying V. Tonight Matthew I'm going to sing 'Four Green Fields'. Ride On ride on

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Seamus Mallon
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:17 AM

John ...

Could you not come out of retirement for a while. Adams is threatening to steal "The Home Ruler" off us.

Could you not do your own composition ... "All Things In Moderation"?

I'd lend you my Epiphone, only Enda Scahill borrowed it for the shoot-out between him and Barney and I never seen sight of it again, the thieving wee shite!

You could ask Brid for a loan of her Gremlin 22-inch. It's not great, but it'll do!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,John Walker Lindh
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:16 AM

I wanted to set the record straight, and sing the Ballad of Pancho and Lefty before the Senate Armed Services Committee, but they won't let me out of my undisclosed location. We were hoping your people could intervene on Bertie's behalf with Dick Cheney's men. We understand Bertie hasn't heard from the White House since George left for Jerusalem.

Since the DMEL is all about peace and understanding, we were hoping you could explain again to Bertie why we can't we all just get along, and why Dick Cheney always has to have things unilaterally his way.

Dick promises not to tell Congress who you are, or what you said. In fact, I belive the exact words were: "So fuckin' sue me GAO!"

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Gerry Adams
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:12 AM

Martin ...

I'm not having Big Ian get one over on us.

Would you ask Mitchell to give us a lend of his Gibson?

Right ... I'll give them "The Repeal Of The Union" and "The Home Ruler". And if it's self-compositions they're after, I'll give them "The Bit Of Dentistry".

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Big Ian
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:09 AM

I'm not havin' oul Johnny Red-Socks get the better of me in this!

Peter ... would you ask Sammy to give us a lend of his Gold Tone?

I'll show him what for ... first up "The Protestant Boys" and then if it's self-compositions he wants, I'll give him "The Dour Reel" and "The Whore Of Babylon".

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:07 AM

We've got more people refusing to testify before Congress, than Shane has DTs.

Congressional Investigation Question of the Day:

What Would Sean O'Riada Do?

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Drumcree MegaSession Enterprises Limited
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:03 AM

Well ...

We'll talk turkey with ya ...

Get one of your people to talk to one of my people.

If you haven't got people, get one of my people to get you one of your people.

A pleasure doing business with you, Mr Enron.

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,911/NORAID Wall Street Liberation Front
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:01 AM

We're titling the tour "Our Faithful Fathers Let Freedom Sing" BTW. And we're doing up ten million US flags in orange and green. Like it or not, this is what you get out of Ireland when you just add water.

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,John Paul O'Toole
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 11:00 AM

Yer right Shane...

I'll show those bocks a 'ting or two....

I'll start me off with Father O'Flynn followed by two o' me oun...The Transubstantiation Reel and The Bishop of Galway's Favourite...

Barney...could ye lend me yer Paragon fer a moment...?

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Give Ireland Back to the Wall StreetIrish
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:57 AM

Everyone has their price, DMSEL! Apparently, you missed Woodstuck" The Towering Inferno? Some things can't be faked, but we know that with that lot of musicians in the tent you'll have no problem signing them for the Superbowl XXXVII.

Paul McC

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Give Ireland Back to the Wall StreetIrish
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:57 AM

Everyone has their price, DMSEL! Apparently, you missed Woodstuck" The Towering Inferno? Some things can't be faked, but we know that with that lot of musicians in the tent you'll have no problem signing them for the Superbowl XXXVII.

Paul McC

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,The First International Church Of Wolfgang .
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:56 AM

Are you there?

To move us to our new home.

Where we may better serve you?

Speak to us, wise one!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Drumcree MegaSession Enterprises Limited
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:52 AM

Tour?

Listen carefully, folks ... the MegaSession does not tour. Like Woodstock this is a one-off event, rooted in this venerable place.

Besides which I doubt if most of the featured musicians will survive the experience of contributing to this phenomenon. If the music doesn't get them, the buckie will!

Except for Mairéad Ni Mhaoinaigh ... cos she's as tough as oul' boots underneath that winsome smile!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,911/NORAID Wall Street Liberation Front
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:42 AM

And can you tell us who'll be handling the North American merchandising for "The Drumcree MegaSession (c) For World Peace and Mutual Understanding" Tour of the Universe 2002? It's been nothin' but Bud Lite for us here in NY since the Guinness festival pulled up short of the harbor.

We're flush from the capital gains we made in the last bi-ennium's political contributions, so we're looking to set up some new enterprises. We hear the Republic has a suitable climate for off-shore enterprises.

Yours,

Heinz Back At Ya American Ireland Fund

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Shane MacGowan
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:41 AM

Would you quit yappin', Tom!

The way, you're goin' I think I might ask you to leave The Popes and I'll draft JP2 in as your replacement.

And I should know ... I've heard him play and he can belt out The Kesh Jig like a demon. And you want to hear him flaking out the full Ballydesmond set! A genius!

An' I asked him how he came to be so good and he says it's in his blood. You see we've misheard his name for ages. We all think he's called John Paul Two. Bollocks is he! He's called John Paul O'TOOLE! It's just his Polish accent that's confusing him. So fire away, there, Johnny! Give us something befitting your station like "The Priest's Leap" or "The Nine Points of Roguery".

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Tom McManamon
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:34 AM

And what the hell does JP2 know about banjo music?

If he's judgin' I'm outta here.

Set us another pint of vodka and Apple Hooch there, love!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Barney McKenna
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:29 AM

Ah Jaysus!

Can we not play The Mason's Apron?

C'mon!!

Else I'll sing "The Comical Genius"!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Tom McManamon
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:27 AM

That's a lie, referee.

I said "You go ahead Brian and play like a mad bastard. I'm too drunk to bite my finger."

But Christ knows what it came out like!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Brian McGrath
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:24 AM

I'm not enterin' the banjo races if Tom McManamon is allowed to enter. He's threatened to bit my wee finger off if I bate him!

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Tannoy Announcement
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:21 AM

Will ye's all listen up now...

In thon main tent the lads are limberin' up fer the banjo races right now...

We've fer the first race Enda Scahill vs. Gerry O'Connor vs. Oul' Barney. Rules is three times round The Moving Cloud an' the first tae finish is the winner. No missin' any notes out or bum notes boys an' the judges (John Paul II, Feargal an' Bertie) will be awarding extra points fer the fiercest an' most original jazzy run...

On yer blocks now boys...

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Bob Geldof
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:21 AM

To the tune (sort of) of "MacNamara's Band"

Me name is Robert Geldof I'm the leader of a band
We sort out droughts and famine, we work wonders in all lands
If you've ever got a problem, no matter how big the job
Just pick up the oul' blower boys and get in touch with Bob

I heard there was a famine in Afric's north-east horn
The bugger's had no bread nor spuds nor rice nor oats nor corn
So me and Midge, we cleaned our fridge but that wouldn't last them long
So I says Ure, you wee scots hoor, let's write them a wee song

It wasn't very long until their bellies they were full
And me and my oul' chinas went back to being dull
Oul' second-rate celebrities whose records do not sell
A major drought might spring us out of our lonely B-list hell

Then came the bucky nightmare in the place called Portydown
I got on the mobile and all my friends came roun'
We put on a big concert in the London park called Hyde
And made sufficient money so the place was not long dry

Subject: RE: Campsite at Drumcree II
From: GUEST,Ruby Murray
Date: 04 Feb 02 - 10:04 AM

Do yez allow dead people in here?

If so I've a mini-bus load parked up near the Carngrove who'd like to drop in for a bit of an oul' come-all-ye ...