Song Challenge! Part 40

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 11:02 AM

Hello Challenge!rs -- Can you believe it, we've done almost 40 of these?!? Unbelievable!! Thanks to all of you for playing along, and I hope that we've inspired some of you to start writing songs, and re-inspired others of you to keep up the good work. That's what the Challenge! is all about, so remember to encourage your fellow Challenge!rs with a good word about the songs you like, and you'll get a good word in return.

So, here we go -- Get your tea or coffee ready, sit down in your comfy chair, and let us consider:

The Case of the Crazed Cookie Crusher -- (Yardley, Pennsylvania) For three years the managers in the three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread. A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera turned on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket. That led to the arrest and conviction of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and a fine of $1,000.

Both prosecutors and defense attorneys appeared in court with bags of sweet-smelling evidence. The prosecution with bruised buns and crushed cookies, and the defense with unmangled goodies used to demonstrate their client's squeezing technique. Although Mr. Feldman claimed his innocence, saying 'I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," the judge said that the 18-hour videotape clearly showed Feldman "manipulating bread and cookies" and "acting suspiciously around the baked goods." A local reporter commented that the videotape showed Mr. Feldman waiting until his wife's back was turned, and only then would he begin bashing the bread. "He apparently loved to stick his thumbs in the middle of the fruit-filled cookies. The impressions were so distinct, the police were able to use them to lift his fingerprints."

Judge Heckler has postponed the sentencing hearing to give Mr. Feldman, who now lives in Las Vegas, time to find "a mental health professional who is familiar with bread-related compulsive behavior." Meanwhile, the bread and cookie distributors still want their dough, and are planning to sue Mr. Feldman in civil court to recover $8,000, the amount of baked goods they claim that he vandalized over the three year period.

Go for it, Challenge!rs!! -- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Mbo_at_ECU
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 11:15 AM

DOUGH!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Kim C
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 11:28 AM

Little Sammy Squeezer

Sammy likes to squeeze bread
He can't help himself
When he sees all the goodies
On the grocery shelf

He's squeezin' all night
And he's feelin' all right
Sammy squeezes baked goods
When he can't sleep at night

Not even the fruit-filled cookies are safe
Sammy's little thumbprints
Get them all out of shape

He's squeezin' all night
That boy ain't right
Sammy squeezes baked goods
When he can't sleep at night

Thumb in, thumb out, thumb in, thumb out
Smash that bag and twist and shout

He's squeezin' all night
And he's feelin' all right
Sammy squeezes baked goods
When he can't sleep at night

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 11:38 AM

Dang, Kim C. -- You must've peeked on my PC to have come up with a song that fast! Great job, too. You are hereby awarded the Honorary Five Minutes Flat award. Well done!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Kim C
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 12:04 PM

Gracias, Madame. :)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 12:25 PM

Mr. Feldman, the bun-squeezing man
(to the tune of "Titanic" -- at least the one I first learned!)

Mrs. Feldman dressed her husband
And took him to the store
And they wandered down
The fresh-bread aisle once more

But when her back was turned
Wringing bread is what he yearned
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns

Oh it was sad!
Oh it was sad!
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns
(Man he crushed them good!)
The cookies and rolls,
Felt his viselike hammerhold
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns

So they put a camera out
In the Giant grocery store
And they said "we'll catch
Him squeezing bread once more"

And they dusted all the crumbs
On the cookies he would thumb
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns

(repeat chorus)

Now they've caught poor Mr. Feldman
And threw him in the can
And they sent out for
A good head-shrinker man

His defense team says he's cracked
The bakers just want their money back
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns

(repeat chorus)

(C) 2000 Alex E. Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

AINE -- don't even ask! Of course you may put this in your vaunted vaults!

Man, I love this place.

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Catrin
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 12:32 PM

Ummmmm,

My first entry

SAM THE BUN

Sam's gone shopping, it's time for his tea
He wonders through the aisles to see what he can see
Bread and cakes and biscuits are fine for you and me
But Sam has got a passion, he cannot let them be

Chorus
Squeeze Sam squeeze
That icing feels so sticky
Squeeze Sam Squeeze
It's better than a quicky
Squeeze Sam squeeze
Your wife has turned away
Grab a feel of warm soft cake
You've got the hots today

Sam's wife she hollers from till twenty-three
Its 'come along now Sam, wherever can you be?'
'What a cheek you've got, acting like you're free?
Stand up straight and look sharp and carry the bags for me!

Chorus

Sam he dreams of currant buns, of pastry and of cakes
Of cinnamon spice (and all things nice), and the pleasure a biscuit makes
But once he thinks of cream cakes, he smiles a lustful smile
He can't wait 'til the next time he's alone with his aisle

Chorus

Sam he had been this way for a year or maybe three
He thought them unsuspecting, that 'no-one notices me'
But little did he realise, the cameras were in store
They'd captured him in action on aisle forty-four.

Chorus

Sam's passion is all wasted, it's not the same, not now.
His love affair with beloved buns, it's all gone stale somehow.
His wife can't understand him, the neighbours laugh and jeer.
They show the film of his passions at his in-laws, once a year.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Kim C
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 12:52 PM

heeheeheeheee

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 12:53 PM

Ooooh, I just love it when a Challenge! brings in a flurry of entries! So, for all you early birds, here's the first set (I hope) of Silver B.L.O.B.s:

Kim C for:

Thumb in, thumb out, thumb in, thumb out
Smash that bag and twist and shout

mousethief for:

But when her back was turned
Wringing bread is what he yearned
It was sad when he squeezed the loaves and buns

and Catrin for:

Squeeze Sam squeeze
That icing feels so sticky
Squeeze Sam Squeeze
It's better than a quicky
Squeeze Sam squeeze
Your wife has turned away
Grab a feel of warm soft cake
You've got the hots today

Fantastic!! Keep it going, my brilliant Challenge!rs!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,emily b
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 01:04 PM

Doughboy Sam

Who could be treating those cookies so poor?
The bread loaves are mangled and look mighty sore.
There's a mystery there on aisle fifteen,
The whole Giant is stumped and in an uproar.

A camera is mounted - a prankster to find.
Who would have thought there are those of this kind.
They fondle the buns and the fruit-filled delights.
Clearly this doughboy in not right in the mind.

A trial is held to convict doughboy Sam.
He did unspeakable things to sweets filled with jam.
His m-o never altered, his lust did him rule,
He'd have never been caught if he'd just tried a ham.

line breaks fixed by elf/joeclone

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,emily b
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 01:05 PM

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,emily b
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 01:07 PM

Just when I think it's safe to hit return, it isn't. Aaargh! Obviously I haven't figured out the line breaks, either. Sorry about that. I know somewhere is some direction for it. I'll try to find it and keep it handy.

Emily B

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Kim C
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 01:21 PM

Once upon a time, a long time ago, my then-boyfriend had stopped at the Mapco for some cigarettes or whatever, while I stayed in the car. Through the window I saw a small child take a doughnut out of the case, take a bite, and put it back. Really.

I guess they start early....

but all this talk about breads is making me HUNGRY!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 01:36 PM

Here's your Silver B.L.O.B., emily b. for:

A camera is mounted - a prankster to find.
Who would have thought there are those of this kind.
They fondle the buns and the fruit-filled delights.
Clearly this doughboy is not right in the mind.

Well done!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 01:40 PM

OK, I'm going to say this one more time -- Remember to encourage your fellow Challenge!rs with a good word about the songs you like, and you'll get a good word in return.

We've got some great stuff here already -- Pat each other on the back, you all deserve it!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 01:44 PM

Well I'm dissatisfied with my entry, now that I've seen the quality of the others'. Way to go, gang! This is more fun than wringing the bejezuz out of a loaf of warm Wonder Bread!

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 02:07 PM

WILL THE COOKIES BE ALL BROKEN

{sung to ,will the circle....}

(chorus}: Will the cookies be all broken,
And the loaves of bread attacked,
I can't rest till Betty Crocker,
And the doughboy have been whacked.

My name is Sammy Feldman,
And no one can understand,
The kind of thrill it gives me,
To smash baked goods with my hands.

{chorus}

Doesn't matter if it's whole wheat,
It doesn't matter if it's rye,
Or a loaf of pumpernickle,
Gives me a twinkle in my eye.

{chorus}

I was standing by the baked goods,
With my wife there by my side,
When she turned to get some crackers,
I committed yeasticide.

{chorus}

Then I headed for the cookies,
Yet they knew not of their doom,
First I'll start with Honey Grahams,
Then I'll stalk the Lorna Doone.

{chorus}

But I did not see the camera,
That taped all these violent tales,
I was hauled away in shackles,
With cookies neath my fingernails.

{chorus}

Now I'm standing in the courtroom,
I can't plead my innocence,
Cause they've got a bag of Oreos,
Covered with my fingerprints.

{chorus}

Now the judge thinks I'm unstable,
He says I'm crazy in the head,
But in jail they give you 3 squares,
And each meal's served with bread.

Will the cookies all be broken,
And the loaves of bread attacked,
I can't rest till Betty Crocker,
And the Doughboy have been whacked.

Ron, whoallofasuddenhasacravingforadonut.

line breaks added by elf/joeclone

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Catrin
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 02:13 PM

Mousethief - you the talented one! - KimC and EmilyB too. What fun this is - I stayed late at work finishing that - can you believe it?!

I was giggling to myself all the way home on the bus! Some strange looks indeed..........

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 02:57 PM

I can't help, my fingers tingle,
I don't know where this will end;
in the crowded shops I mingle,
no-one know what I intend.
Oh what fierce and deep revulsion!
See, I wear the mark of Cain.
what a strange and sweet compulsion.
"The cookie crusher strikes again."

Twisting loaves, I show no pity,
fingers clenched, I tear and rend.
Panic runs throughout the city,
like a phantom I descend.
Oh what dark mysterious notions
run within this fevered brain,
acting out my dread devotions
"The cookie crusher strikes again."

Hear my words now - when I've spoken
time for you to turn away.
Like the loaves that I have broken,
I was touched upon that day.
Supermarket, super budget
wrapped and packed in cellophane
You can look, but if you touch it
"The cookie crusher strikes again!"

I thought there just might be another side to this.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Bardford
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 03:05 PM

There is some tasty stuff cooking in this thread, any way you slice it.Here's mine: (The poem I ripped off has a stove in it - coinicidence or....)

There are strange things done in the bread section
By the men who shop for buns
The crumbs leave trails
That speak of lost sales
Clearly something must be done.
The market lights have seen queer sights
But the queerest they ever did see
Was the day Sam, spouse of Marge,
Was busted and charged
In The Takedown in Aisle Three.

Now Sam, you see, was from down in Yardley,
A quiet Pennsylvania town
How it got in his head to mess with the bread
Is a story that needs written down.
Like some baby boomers, he was just a consumer,
Attracted and smitten by labels
Though he'd often say in a pensive way
"I feel the need to crush a few bagels."

One Saturday as Marge made her way
Through the morning shopping throngs
Sam slipped away to the Twinkie display
Right next to the vanilla Ding-Dongs.
Heart beat a fast clip, beads of sweat on his lip
Over his hands he had no control
He could not resist, unclenching his fist
Sam digitally examined a roll.

The tension abated, urge temporarily sated,
But over time his compulsion grew stronger.
Sam's trips to the store became more and more
And at the bakery he'd linger longer.
He'd stand transfixed and amazed , eyes like donuts, o'er glazed,
And survey the assortment before him.
Cookies, loafs buns and cakes gave him trembles and shakes
And Sam lost all sense of decorum.

Not a baked good escaped being squeezed and reshaped
By Sam's prodding fingers and thumbs
If he had his will, he'd be feeling buns still,
But for the prints, and the trail of crumbs.
The baker had his suspicions, and closed circuit television
Helped to identify Sam as the guy
Who'd abused the baked items, more woe betide him,
The SWAT team was called by and by.

All the Giant clients agree the scene in aisle three
Was like nothing they'd ever witnessed
The cops were later praised for their tact,
Their compassion, and physical fitness.
After the arrest, Sam looked depressed
In the squad car for the first couple blocks
But his animosity towards the cops turned brotherly,
When he saw next to him, a dozen donuts, on the seat, in a box.

line breaks added by elf/joeclone

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 03:07 PM

Nice rhyming, Bradford! Clever twist at the end too!

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Bardford
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 03:11 PM

Sorry about that, I dropped an "r" in the break.
There are strange things done in the bread section
By the men who shop for buns
The crumbs leave trails
That speak of lost sales
Clearly something must be done.
The market lights have seen queer sights
But the queerest they ever did see
Was the day Sam, spouse of Marge,
Was busted and charged
In The Takedown in Aisle Three.

Now Sam, you see, was from down in Yardley,
A quiet Pennsylvania town
How it got in his head to mess with the bread
Is a story that needs written down.
Like some baby boomers, he was just a consumer,
Attracted and smitten by labels
Though he'd often say in a pensive way
"I feel the need to crush a few bagels."

One Saturday as Marge made her way
Through the morning shopping throngs
Sam slipped away to the Twinkie display
Right next to the vanilla Ding-Dongs.
Heart beat a fast clip, beads of sweat on his lip
Over his hands he had no control
He could not resist, unclenching his fist
Sam digitally examined a roll.

The tension abated, urge temporarily sated,
But over time his compulsion grew stronger.
Sam's trips to the store became more and more
And at the bakery he'd linger longer.
He'd stand transfixed and amazed , eyes like donuts, o'er glazed,
And survey the assortment before him.
Cookies, loafs buns and cakes gave him trembles and shakes
And Sam lost all sense of decorum.

Not a baked good escaped being squeezed and reshaped
By Sam's prodding fingers and thumbs
If he had his will, he'd be feeling buns still,
But for the prints, and the trail of crumbs.
The baker had his suspicions, and closed circuit television
Helped to identify Sam as the guy
Who'd abused the baked items, more woe betide him,
The SWAT team was called by and by.

All the Giant clients agree the scene in aisle three
Was like nothing they'd ever witnessed
The cops were later praised for their tact,
Their compassion, and physical fitness.
After the arrest, Sam looked depressed
In the squad car for the first couple blocks
But his animosity towards the cops turned brotherly,
When he saw next to him, a dozen donuts, on the seat, in a box.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 03:14 PM

Kim,Alex,Catrin & Emily, WOW!!!!Great stuff!

Ron.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 03:24 PM

McGrath, Bardford,& all the rest.

I BOW HUMBLY AT YOUR FEET.

Ron.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Kim C
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 03:29 PM

If I were having a Coke right now, y'all would make it come out my nose. (that's a compliment, see?) :):):):):)

Especially Dharmabaum!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 03:37 PM

Geez loueez -- This just keeps getting better and better! And I see we have a brand new Challenge!r, too. Welcome, welcome, welcome, Bardford!! Looks like another round of Silver B.L.O.B.s are needed, so here ya go:

Dharmabum for:

I was standing by the baked goods,
With my wife there by my side,
When she turned to get some crackers,
I committed yeasticide.

McGrath of Harlow for:

Oh what fierce and deep revulsion!
See, I wear the mark of Cain.
what a strange and sweet compulsion.
"The cookie crusher strikes again."

Bardford for:

Heart beat a fast clip, beads of sweat on his lip
Over his hands he had no control
He could not resist, unclenching his fist
Sam digitally examined a roll.

And for you newbies, a Silver B.L.O.B. is a little in-thread award 'Silver Best Line O' Bull' for special bits of verse that deserve special attention ;-) -- You all still get the 'big prizes' at the end of the Challenge!, so keep checking in...

Well done, everyone!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 03:51 PM

Well, here goes my little ditty -- It pales in comparision to all that went before it -- But, I kept thinking about the cause and effect, shall we say. So, here's my (perverse) take on it:

With Extra Relish (No tune -- any suggestions?)

Well Sammy's wife, Zoe, was so worried,
That Sam had a wandering eye,
She went in for a little tooshy tuck,
But the result made our poor Sammy cry.

Instead of the soft buns that he cherished,
His Zoe now had two hard mounds,
Now when he gave them a little loving squeeze,
His heart sank right down to the ground.

One day at the market, our dear Sammy
Found himself in the bakery aisle,
Perusing the rows of buns and cakes now,
Our Sammy grew a big foot-long smile.

Now Zoe could never imagine,
Why Sam suddenly seemed to yearn,
To do all the shopping at the market,
And her handmade bread always would burn.

For three years their marriage was blissful,
'Till at the news stand our Zoe did stop,
And there on the front page was her Sammy,
For bun bashing he had been popped!

The trial made the TV and the Internet,
CNN and MSNBC, too,
But Zoe kept quiet through it all now,
And made plans about what next to do.

Well they moved to Las Vegas in the springtime,
And Zoe got tucked at the top,
With her biscuits and buns, she got a new job,
And Sam promised his habits to drop.

Now Zoe she's dancing at casinos,
And Sam sells hot dogs on the side,
With a smile he dispenses 'Sammy's Special',
A foot-long with a bun extra wide!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 04:51 PM

This is too fun. Sorry if it's against the rules to post twice. I'll stand by my first song for the judging. But who can resist this topic?

Big Bad Sam
(to the tune of Big Bad John -- with apologies to Jimmy Dean)

Every morning at the store when the bread arrived
You could smell it from the meat section to aisle five
It was soft and yeasty and smelled so fine
But something was unhinged in the so-called mind of big Sam
Chorus: Big Sam, Big Sam -- Big, bad Sam (repeat after each verse)

Now Sam came to the Giant every day or two
With his wife, Mrs. Feldman, who loved him true
She walked around with Sammy through the aisles so wide
Never knowing he was contemplating loaficide, that Sam

But after the Feldmans had checked out and gone
The manager noticed that something was wrong
In the bread aisle, the loaves were mangled black and blue
And they wondered if this had something to do with big Sam

So they set up a camera to tape record
What happened to the bread at the Giant store
And what did they catch on that 18-hour tape
But Sam getting fresh with Little Debbie's cakes, bad Sam

Yes the tape showed Sam taking liberties
With the baked goods he ought to have gently squeezed
He stood like a thief, and when wifey looked away
He fondled the buns in a brutal way, bad Sam.

They brought him into court and the judge cried "Foul!"
And Sammy's wife let out a mournful howl
They cuffed him up and drug him off to cell #9
And everybody knew it was the end of the line for big Sam.

Now Sam's in treatment for his fetish so strange
And his wife is praying his obsession will change
As she said to the press in a tearful whine,
"He squeezed the store's buns, but he never squeezed mine." Bad Sam.
Big Sam, big Sam, big bad Sam.

© 2000 Alex E. Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

-----

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 04:54 PM

Wow, Aine! And I'd thought the earlier songs were good!!!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Catrin
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 04:58 PM

What a clever bunch of catters!!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: MMario
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 05:00 PM

oh, sure, I'm off the 'cat for a lousy 18 hours and you guys go to town!!!!

What an incredible collection of challenge entries! My hat is off to all of you. I'm up to my neck in training and transcribing, so I'll catch the next one, maybe...

*BRAVO!* to you all!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 05:17 PM

Dear mousethief -- You can enter as many songs as you want to, darlin'! (And that goes for all Challenge!rs, by the way). And here's another Silver B.L.O.B. for:

Now Sam's in treatment for his fetish so strange
And his wife is praying his obsession will change
As she said to the press in a tearful whine,
"He squeezed the store's buns, but he never squeezed mine." Bad Sam.
Big Sam, big Sam, big bad Sam.

I love it!!

And MMario -- You know what the Keeper of the Book always says -- A Challenge! is never over!! When you get a minute, just type in your entry, and appropriate cudos and awards will be bestowed...;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Bradypus
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 06:31 PM

This is getting to be a classic Challenge! So many good songs in the first six hours, it's hard to keep track of what compliments to give to whom. I love McGrath's language, rich the whole way through, and mousethief's tunes (both of them, well executed), and Aine's title, and Catrin's chorus, and Bardford's first entry (welcome to the club) and and and anyway, I'd better try to write something myself!

Bradypus

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Bradypus
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 07:00 PM

Bread Squeezin' Blues

I got the bread squeezin' blues, babe
I got them all the day
Until I find a loaf to squeeze
These blues won't go away.

I take the bread and squeeze it
It makes me feel so good
And when I find some buns to squeeze
It eases up my mood

Obsessive compulsive disorder
Sing it if you can
Cos baby, I'm an obsessive, compulsive
Disorderly breadsqueezin' man

I found a bag of cookies
I gave the bag a squeeze
Some mudcatters lost their cookies
Well, they won't be wantin' these

The security camera caught me
My excuses all sound lame
But now that I'm on film, you see
I've got bread squeezin' fame

They said 'Why did you do it
Why squeeze the bread just so ?'
I tell them why I do it
It's because I need the dough

They got a court psychiatrist
To look inside my head
She said that all my brains looked just
Like blue mouldy squeezed bread

Bread squeezing blues, dear
I don't think I'm mad
Squeezin' bread and cookies
Is the only fun I've had

Don't give me no whisky
Lovin' me's no use
There ain't a cure in all the earth
For bad bread squeezin' blues

Oh Yeah !!!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 08:05 PM

My dear Bradypus, a wunnerful, wunnerful entry as usual. Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for:

Obsessive compulsive disorder
Sing it if you can
Cos baby, I'm an obsessive, compulsive
Disorderly breadsqueezin' man

Sing those blues, Mr. B.!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 08:13 PM

THE BAKER BOYS LAMENT

I'm little Sammy Feldman,
And my story's to be told,
I hang out in the market,
Where the bread and cakes are sold.

I am a little scary,
Even by my own admission,
I feel that I am going through,
A rather strange transition.

I cannot pass a pastry,
Without giving it a punch,
The same goes for the cookies,
I just have to hear them crunch.

My mother said it started,
When I was just a boy,
I wasn't like the others,
Who were playing with their toys.

I had a strange desire,
A call I had to heed,
I never could control it,
Call it a need to knead.

When I became a young man,
I thought a baker I could be,
It made a lot of sense,
It fit my strange activity.

And so I joined the college,
Of cullinary arts,
Where I learned to bake all kinds of bread,
And pies ,& cakes , & tarts.

While there I met a young girl,
She stole my heart in a big way,
And we planned to wed each other,
Until our wedding day.

You see I had to tell her,
Of my rather strange desire,
To feel the warmth of bread dough,
Than to feel her inner fire.

She took the news quite poorly,
I knew it wouldn't work,
As she ran off I heard her say,
"You're just a kneady jerk"!

Now I lament my lost love,
In this supermarket isle,
Squeezing all the pastry,
With a slightly evil smile.

And so you see this is the way,
I fulfill my fantasy,
Cause there is no better way,
To please a weirdo just like me.

Ron.

line breaks added by elf/joeclone

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 08:20 PM

LOL!!! ROTFLMAO!!! I can just hear you snickering as you wrote that, Ron . . . Here's another Silver B.L.O.B. for:

Now I lament my lost love,
In this supermarket isle,
Squeezing all the pastry,
With a slightly evil smile.

I'm so glad you're such a naughty boy, you know... ;-)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Dharmabum
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 08:36 PM

Thanks Aine, I am a very naughty boy {snicker, snicker} Ron.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Sep 00 - 09:26 PM

Bradypus, your Bread Squeezin' Blues would go with "Ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe"--You know, "Don't think twice, it's all right.!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock
Date: 29 Sep 00 - 05:54 AM

Apologies in advance, but I couldn't resist it:

You put your right thumb in,
Your right thumb out,
Your right thumb in
And you squish it all about,
You do the Cookie Pokey
And you turn around,
And that's what it's all about....

WOOOAAHHH bread and cookie pokey,
WOOOAAHHH bread and cookie pokey,
WOOOAAHHH bread and cookie pokey,
And that's what it's all about!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Catrin
Date: 29 Sep 00 - 08:09 AM

me too ROTFLMAO!

Every time I look at this thread I'm more and more impressed by us all!

Cheers,

Catrin

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief
Date: 29 Sep 00 - 10:04 AM

I love the cookie pokey! Made me literally laugh out loud at work this morning! Thanks, Fib!

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,emily b
Date: 29 Sep 00 - 10:14 AM

Wow! Everybody is joining in and we're all LOL. Good work to all. Is it just me, or did the food theme really speak to you all, too?

Aine, thanks for starting all of this amusement. I didn't discover the challenges until somewhere in their 20's. I must go back and read through the older ones. This is just too much fun.

I look forward to more great songs.

Emily

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST, "5 minutes Flat"
Date: 29 Sep 00 - 10:56 AM

You guys are really rolling along. I am amazed at the wealth of talent the Cat attracts.

If you can persuade your Song goddess to do so, you might have fun with this whacky situation from Reuters:

Pencil-Carrying Camel Convoy Blocked

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - Saudi Arabia has refused to allow a convoy of camels carrying pencils to Iraq to pass through its territory, Iraqi newspapers said Thursday.

Quoting an Interior Ministry source, the newspapers said the pencils were donated by the people of the United Arab Emirates (UAE) in a gesture of support for ordinary Iraqis.

``Sheikh Sa'd Bin Tha'in al-Mansouri and a number of the UAE people decided to organize a convoy of camels to transport one million pencils to Iraq via Saudi Arabia,'' the source said.

He said al-Mansouri submitted a request to the Saudi embassy in the UAE requesting permission to cross Saudi territory, but this was turned down.

Iraq's relations with the six-member Gulf Cooperation Council -- a regional alliance comprising Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Qatar, Oman, Bahrain and the UAE were strained by Iraq's 1990 invasion of Kuwait. Kuwait and Saudi Arabia have yet to resume diplomatic relations with Iraq.

The UAE, which joined a U.S.-led alliance that drove Iraqi troops out of Kuwait in 1991, has led calls to end Iraq's isolation.

In 1998, the UAE began a ferry service between Dubai and Iraq's port of Umm Qasr with United Nations permission. In April the UAE reopened its embassy in Baghdad.

My father used to play in a Dixieland band, and they did a real footstompin' version of the "Sheik of Araby" when they got into their cups; after every phrase of the song, they would all yell "With no pants on!" at the top of their lungs. Just try it next time you're singing that ditty...

The metaphors about leads in pencils and grinders used for sharpening pencils and so on also flood tot he fore as fodder for your fertile imaginations....

G'wan, ask the Goddess!

Regards,

Amos

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: SINSULL
Date: 29 Sep 00 - 11:03 AM

A foot long with a bun extra wide??? HEE HEE HEE.

A need to Knead???
This has to be the best challenge ever.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 29 Sep 00 - 11:13 AM

Dear "5 Minutes Flat" (a/k/a Amos),

What, you forgot my email address? What's up with this sticking a different Challenge! suggestion in the middle of another one? You're really throwing a spanner in the works as far as my 'numbering system' goes, ya know...

OK, Challenge!rs, if you want to pen a pencil song, so to speak, go for it...but remember, it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of an eraser than to make Amos behave himself...*BG*

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: mousethief
Date: 29 Sep 00 - 11:19 AM

I think we oughtta put the chill on any new topics until this one has run its course.

I was actually hoping for attack monkeys, myself.

I mean hoping for attack monkeys as a challenge! topic.

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Áine
Date: 29 Sep 00 - 11:27 AM

Oops! Dear Fibula Mattock -- I forgot to say how much I like the Cookie Pokey!! You are hereby awarded a Silver B.L.O.B. for your entry. Now, have you thought about what you might do with all the other appendages?!? That might lead to some really interesting verses (hahahaha)!!

And mousethief - Just between you and me, I'd already planned to steal the attack monkeys for the upcoming Song Challenge! Part 42. Bert has already sent me a great suggestion for Part 41. Aaahhh, the anticipation mounts!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock
Date: 29 Sep 00 - 11:43 AM

Thank you!!! I feel so proud!! Yes, the Cookie Pokey can continue, but I'm not eating from that particular store! Oooh, the buns, the baps, the crumpet...bread related innuendo is just toooo delicious!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 40
From: Mbo
Date: 29 Sep 00 - 12:02 PM

Cookiemangler
Tune: "Acquiesce" by Oasis

I don't know what is that makes it seem so fun
I don't know why I like to maul and mangle buns
I don't know why I smash fruit-centered cookies with my thumb

I do it all the time in every store I see
I can fondle, smash, and mash but no one catches me
It really gets me off and the best part is it's free

I love to squeeze all the baked stuffs
From apple pie to the cream puffs
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff
I love to squeeze all the baked stuff
From the apple pie to a cream puff
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff

The cookies aisle's empty and I'm all alone
I gotta dip my thumb into a buttered scone
And crumble English muffins until there's naught left but cornpone

I don't like when my wife comes to the store with me
So I smash behind her back so that she can't see
Oh quishing break and cookies is such sweet ecstasy!

I love to squeeze all the baked stuffs
From apple pie to the cream puffs
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff
I love to squeeze all the baked stuffs
From apple pie to the cream puffs
Oh my name is Samuel Feldmann, I'm quite a bakery buff

I love to squeeze....I love to squeeze
I need to squeeze....I love to squeeze
I want to squeeze....I love to squeeze

--Matt