Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 28 Aug 04 - 12:02 AM Was driving home and saw this sign up out side a Hotel/Motel... 40 POKIES MOTEL |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 28 Aug 04 - 12:10 AM Mudcat thread title HULL SMOKING CLUB - TRIPS OUT |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,Lindsay Date: 28 Aug 04 - 07:14 AM What's the difference between: a bad marksman and a constipated owl? A bad marksman shoots but can't hit A trapeze and a truncheon? A trapeze is for cunning stunts The seaside and a brand new coin? A brand new coin is shiny bright A street seller and a dachshund? A street seller bawls his wares on the pavement A pub and a bridegroom? A pub has beery walls more when I think of them...! |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: M'Grath of Altcar Date: 28 Aug 04 - 07:40 AM From a play what Ernie Wise wrote........ Wise: Have you got the scrolls? Morecambe: No I always walk like this. |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: frogprince Date: 28 Aug 04 - 10:26 AM "have you got the scrolls?"?? Either you have to "speak brit" to get this one, or it's my turn to be dense at the moment. Somebody give me a clue, pleeze? |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,eddie haskell Date: 28 Aug 04 - 02:31 PM There was a fellow who did the college cicuit back in the 70's- he wrote a song called "Eddie Haskell" and one of the lines was "good evening Mrs. Clevage- How's the Beaver?" He also had a song about getting a vasectomy, and a line in the chorus was "All the juice, no seeds!" And what about that Norah Jones tune ("Don't know why I didn't come!") |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Joe_F Date: 28 Aug 04 - 07:11 PM For dogged persistence in sleazy double entendre, "The Gruen Watch Song" (which Joe Offer was kind enough to post a link to) is hard to beat. Does anyone know the tune? |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,.gargoyle Date: 28 Aug 04 - 07:30 PM The quweer Irish couple:
Patrick Fitzgerald
Gerald Fitzpatrick
Sincerely, |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,Rootbager@aol.com Date: 29 Aug 04 - 12:44 AM Confucius say: > Seven day nonstop honeymoon make whole weak. > Man with athletic fingers make broad jump. > Woman with blond hair have black hair, by cracky. > Virgin much like balloon - one prick, all gone. These I remember all the way back as a tenth grader in 1962! And it is true - our principal, as did many others in the north end of my home town of Seattle, put a ban on Confucius jokes beause they were "morally corruptive" and not "in keeping with" the kind of thing we "fine, upstanding young men" ought to be party to (and party we did - Confucius jokes took the town by storm!!). Caught once or twice, remandatory trip to the principal's office. Third time, three-day suspension. Cheers - - the Yankee |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,Lindsay Date: 29 Aug 04 - 09:16 AM How to make a lass "ooh" with two fingers... |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 29 Aug 04 - 10:16 AM So you're a cowboy then, Lindsay? |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Michael Date: 29 Aug 04 - 10:31 AM Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. True one: I worked in a school where the Headmaster took assembly every morning and after the religious bit he did his daily rant about behaviour. On the day after a window had been broken by a cricket game he went on and on and on about not playing with your balls near the building, and if you must play with them make sure you stayed on the tennis courts. And 'Why are you sniggering boy? It's causing too much damage and that's no laughing matter'. There were no staff left in the hall by the time he had finished! |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Celtaddict Date: 29 Aug 04 - 10:36 AM A guitar playing, singing friend of mine at gigs announces from time to time, "Any requests? I'm here to make you happy with lips and fingers." Another friend plays the bassoon and has a related line involving the big instrument between his legs but I seem to have repressed that one. |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,Rootbager@aol.com Date: 29 Aug 04 - 08:32 PM Back up to Michael: That story of yours would have been a perfect John Cleese line in the school scene of Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life"! Heh heh! Cheers! - - the Oregon Yankee |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Michael Date: 30 Aug 04 - 05:08 PM Oregon Yankee Believe me we got'The Meaning of Life' in those assemblies. The first assembly in September began with Genesis chapter 1 and it went on, and on and on, even the non-believers were praying before year end. |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Rootbager@aol.com Date: 30 Aug 04 - 06:13 PM Wow! Must've been a hell of a strict regime for a school kid to have to go through - I thought the dark ages were over with! Back in the seventies, a bar I used to go to in Seattle was frequented by several after-concert Seattle Symphony members - and since I belonged to a different orchestra (Seattle had 18 Sym. Orchs. at the time, some professional, some not.), we all were friends and had plenty to talk about. One of the SSO Cellists came in for the golden brew, and told me that they had just peformed Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. My response was supposed to mean something like, "Super! How was it?", or "Was it good - or was it great?!" - but the way it came out elicited the answer I least expected: "That's great, Bill - - how did it go?" Bill avidly sang out, "Ta - Ta - Ta - TAAAAAAHH!" |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Rootbager@aol.com Date: 03 Sep 04 - 03:24 AM Haven't heard from anyone lately - - has the whole world gone asleep? Hello out there! Cheers - - - Oregon Yankee |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 03 Sep 04 - 05:18 AM ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz...... |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 03 Sep 04 - 05:59 AM Happy's cut off!! |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Rootbager@aol.com Date: 10 Sep 04 - 05:06 AM Foolestroupe, Sorry about Happy! It'll all grow back in a couple weeks. While staying in Portland, Ore. this week, went into a local restaurant for some late night tea (because coffee would have kept me awake all night). Asking the waitress what kinds were there, the choice became Green tea, their brand being of the Jasmine type rather than the (I forget what it's called) other kind. Okay, fine - - great. Next night, same place. Waitress recognized and asked, "Well hi again - - Jasmine?" "Hi! No, I play in the Symphony." Cheers - - Oregon Yankee |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Rootbager@aol.com Date: 22 Sep 04 - 07:13 PM Re: Jasmine I see now where an explanation might be in order, since it is not a universal term. Even my wife and several of my best friends didn't pick up on it right away. "Jazz Man?" "No - I play classical!" Cheers - Oregon Yankee |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Chris Green Date: 22 Sep 04 - 07:30 PM Confucius say "Man with hole in pocket feeling cocky all day!" |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: frogprince Date: 23 Sep 04 - 01:07 PM Here's to the kisses I have snatched... |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: John M. Date: 23 Sep 04 - 01:46 PM Here are a couple of double entendre songs: Large Balls (aka Anthony Claire) Melody - ??? Chorus: For they were large balls, large balls, Balls as heavy as lead. With a dexterous twist of his muscular wrist, He could flick them right over his head. (Be-doom, be-doom, be-doom, be-doom boom boom) Now, there once was a man called Anthony Clair He was a very fine jugulaire, There wasn't a man who could compare With the way he fiddled and played with his balls. Now, Anthony was walking down the street, Just by chance he happened to meet, A pretty young maid with a dog at her feet, Watching him fiddle and play with his balls. Now, Anthony swung 'em round and round, Let 'em go with a hell of a bound, Right on the head of the faithful hound, Watching him play with his balls. Now, the maiden, she was overwrought, Swore she'd take the case to court, For in her opinion no man ought To be twisting and playing with his balls. They took him to a magistrate, Who put him in a cell in state, And left him there to meditate, And fiddle and play with his balls. And when they took the case to court, The lawyer of the lady sought, To prove that Anthony shouldn't ought, To fiddle and play with his balls. The jury said, "It's a bloody disgrace, Exposing yourself in a public place, Playing with your balls in a lady's face, Twisting and playing with your balls." The judge and jury couldn't agree, And the judge said, "It's plain to see, And really and truly I cannot see, Why a man shouldn't play with his balls." And this is the moral of this song, If you play with your balls, you can't go wrong, So bang your balls against the gong, And fiddle and play with your balls. Compare the above song with related double entendre song "Parties, Banquets & Balls" in the digital tradition database: Parties, Banquets and Balls Parties, banquets and balls, boys, Parties, banquets and balls, As President Roosevelt has said before, There's only one way to stay out of a war That's with parties, banquets and balls, boys, Parties, banquets and balls, We'll have parties and banquets, And banquets and parties And balls, balls, balls. tune: Take Me out to the Ball Game (chorus only) from There I Was, Flat on my Back, Stevens Another extended version of this song can be found on Oscar Brand's Sing-Along Bawdy Songs & Backroom Ballads. Listen to a 35 second mp3 here: http://tinyurl.com/3sw49 |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Rootbager@aol.com Date: 21 Oct 04 - 08:37 AM Not a word from anyone in almost amonth - what happened? |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Flash Company Date: 21 Oct 04 - 09:37 AM Mention of the immortal Kenneth Horne brings back so many memories! Opening lines from announcer Wallace Greenslade This Weeks Classic Movie...... A Journey into Space...... It was on the Planet Venus.... KH My word, you should have seen us! FC |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Joe_F Date: 21 Oct 04 - 10:09 PM Here's a song I wrote a while ago, that has a couple of double entendres in it: ABSTRACT HORNY BLUES (1973) standing on the porch at dawn watching people's lights go on wondering who's in bed there thinking why in hell should i care they can go blow a fuse i've got those abstract horny blues some people first thing in the day look down their belly and pray me when i go out to piss i think what is all this it's only meant to amuse i've got those abstract horny blues if i cared only for you you'd be afraid i'd be true but i don't care who you may be so why should you care if it's me i've got no self to abuse i've got those abstract horny blues i don't have the blues for fun but when all is said and done as long as you never go far at least you know where you are i've got a lot to lose i've got those abstract horny blues |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Trevor Date: 22 Oct 04 - 06:25 AM .....but man with two holes not feel too cocky. |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Rootbager@aol.com Date: 30 Jan 05 - 04:32 AM Not a word since October? What happened? Hello out there!!!! |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Don(Wyziwyg)T Date: 30 Jan 05 - 07:14 AM Firecat, I'm not 100% certain but I seem to remember the "peace on you" sequence as happening between Sid James and Kenneth Williams in "Carry on up the Khyber", the title itself being also a goodish double e. Don T. |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Don(Wyziwyg)T Date: 30 Jan 05 - 08:52 AM No urban myth about Max Miller, though he was not banned immediately by Aunty Beeb. I remember he used to ride the edge, until he couldn't resist any longer, and he would suddenly go off air, followed by an anouncer apologising for the technical hitch which is "beyond our control". Then, after a short silence, "We are now returning to the (whatever show it might be), and Max would be heard no more, that night. They may have banned him later, because he did disappear from radio, or maybe he just got fed up being cut off. BTW, he did say in an interview, that he was proud never to have told a dirty joke in his life, he merely made comments and left it to the dirty minds of the audience to make the connection. Don T. |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Flash Company Date: 30 Jan 05 - 10:29 AM Used to be a local Catholic minister at Hale (Cheshire) who was a very witty after dinner speaker. He told a story about his early days in college when he was asked to preach at a service for the college rugby team. For reasons best known to himself, he chose as his text the parable of the wise and foolish virgins. As he told it, he ended his homily with the rhetorical question, 'So, which would you prefer, the wise virgins in the light, or the foolish virgins in the dark?' The vote was unanimous! FC |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,Dr. Phil E. Blunt Date: 03 Mar 05 - 06:33 PM You can walk into any of your local dirty burger joint and have a good laugh when you ask them to "Hold the Pickle" |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Chris Green Date: 03 Mar 05 - 06:46 PM We had a Home Economics teacher at school who must have had Max Miller as a scriptwriter. Two gems that I remember: "Now next week we're going to be working with felt, which means you need to get your mums and dads to buy you some. I find the best place to get felt is the shop on the High Street." Lacing a rather buxom sixth form girl into her bodice for the school play "Oh dear, I'll have let this out. It's a bit of a tit fight... erm, tight fit, isn't it?" She was also responsible for, while trying to control a rather rowdy class, "Every time I open my mouth, some idiot speaks!" |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Mrrzy Date: 03 Mar 05 - 07:42 PM One of my favorites is that in the US, "new directions" and "nude erections" are pronounced the same! Whenever anybody says Let's go into a new direction, or it's time for a new direction, or anything like that, it's all I can do not to crack up. I worked at an answering service one of whose clients was New Directions for Men - I answered their phone Nude Erections for Men for years and nobody ever noticed! |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Tradsinger Date: 04 Mar 05 - 02:37 AM She was only the perfumier's daughter, but she couldn't leave the eau de cologne (old d... alone) English music hall songs: Put a bit of treacle on my pudding, Mary-Ann Up went my little umbrella Oh Timothy let's have a look at it I'll be up her way next week: The landlady of my boarding house, she fair gets on my nut She's got a smoky chimney and a blocked-up chimney pot She went around the corner to see a sweep she knew She said 'Mr Sweep, will you sweep my flue?' And the sweep replied 'Not now, but I'll be up your way next week, I'll be up your way next week I'm so busy with the neighbour's flue I've only got one brush, I can't sweep two In this sweeping business, we're really rather busy, so to speak I'd be happy as a thrush if I had another brush I'll be up your way next week.' It's a good song. I'll be at Miskin, so I may whip it out there. Gwilym |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Tannywheeler Date: 04 Mar 05 - 02:18 PM None of the U.S. posters has mentioned the C & W song (I forget the artist, but a female) "I Want A Man With A Slow Hand". Tw |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Folkiedave Date: 04 Mar 05 - 03:16 PM Noel Murphy used to start his act with "May the lord have Murphy on you". Dave Eyre |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Don(Wyziwyg)T Date: 05 Mar 05 - 04:36 AM One of the many versions of "High Germany" produced my favourite. "Besides me dearest Willie, I am with child by thee" No surprises there then....... Don T. |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,Rootbager@aol.com Date: 21 Mar 05 - 07:17 AM What did Snow White say when whe took a roll of film in to get developed? "Some day my PRINTS will come - - - " |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Snuffy Date: 21 Mar 05 - 07:22 PM "Besides me dearest Willie, I am with child by thee" Always killed me that that is just a "besides..." and the real reason is"my feet they are so tender..W |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,Tanyer Date: 21 Oct 06 - 02:18 AM What is the difference between Lady Godiva & A Golf Game? One is a hunt on a course.... Gwilym -- what songs are those music hall references from? |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: eddie1 Date: 21 Oct 06 - 04:07 AM I was at a wedding in Scotland conducted by a fairly young, progressive Church of Scotland minister. I knew him pretty well from various committees. As used to be often the case, he was roped in to MC the speeches at the dinner afterwards and he came out with the golden oldie about, "An after-dinner speech should be like a miniskirt – long enough to cover the subject and short enough to be interesting!" This raised a few polite laughs although some of the older generation remained rather tight-lipped. He followed this up by saying, "Only last week I heard the naval definition of a miniskirt – one inch below sea-level! (c-level)" I guffawed and realised I was the only one laughing. Although, as I said, I knew him fairly well, I never did have the courage to ask him if he knew what he was saying! How about the chorus of the song "Dumbarton's Drums" "Dumbarton's drums, they sound sae bonnie And they remind me o' my Johnnie. Such fond delights, they steal upon me, When Johnnie comes and kisses me." Someone decided to do a clean-up job on it and the last line became "When Johnnie kneels and kisses me." Better or worse? Eddie |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,savage Date: 21 Mar 07 - 12:17 PM liquor in the front, poker in the rear... |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: SouthernCelt Date: 21 Mar 07 - 01:54 PM I have to tell this although it happened way back in the 60s. The famous-in-his-day Cardinals pitcher Dizzy Dean became a baseball broadcast commentator after his bb career. At a TV broadcast game in the 60s with the action even slower than normal on the diamond, the camera started wandering on the crowd settling on a young couple that were being somewhat amorous. Dizzy Dean and his broadcast partner (may have been PeeWee Reese) began to speculate about what was going on with the crowd being shown on the monitors in the broadcast booth. After each boring pitch on the field, the camera would return to the amorous couple in the stands. After two or three shots of the couple, Dizzy Dean said something to the effect of, "Hey, I've got them figured out; he kisses her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls!" A moment later the broadcast developed broadcast "difficulties" and following the game, Dean lost his job as announcer. It's still unknown whether he made the statement on purpose or just didn't think of how it sounded to those with dirtier minds. I don't think he ever had another nationally watched broadcast job. SC |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,Cragrat Date: 21 Mar 07 - 02:11 PM A few of my favouries: Willie & the hand Jive (Various) I Married the Moonshiner's daughter/And she made me liquor all night long (Hayseed Dixie) When you're in love with a beautiful woman/It's hard (Dr Hook) She was only an architect's daughter but she could spot a mighty erection! |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,Guest Date: 21 Mar 07 - 05:01 PM Bob Hope also had a line that went: "When I put my hands on my hips I feel crazy. When I put my hands in my pockets I feel nuts." Think he got in trouble for that one. Red Skelton said that when he was in vaudeville, they did a sketch where one of the women would lift her long skirt up to her ankle and say "It looks like rain" To which he replied, "I'd like to see it clear up" And they closed the show! There was also the old joke that you could get Robin Hood by the bag and Aunt Jemima by the box |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: GUEST,Nicholas Waller Date: 21 Mar 07 - 06:58 PM People above mentioned Round the Horne, the mid-1960s BBC Radio series, which included Julian and Sandy as a couple of camp homosexual characters when homosexuality was still illegal in the UK. In one sketch featuring them as lawyers: HORNE: Will you take my case? JULIAN: Well, it depends on what it is. We've got a Criminal Practice that takes up most of our time. |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Bainbo Date: 21 Mar 07 - 08:00 PM Recorded by Ska Cubano, The Jolly Boys, and several older distinguished calypsonians: I asked my woman what should I do To make her happy and to keep her true All she said that I need from you Is a little tiny piece of the big bamboo Chorus: The big bamboo, it grows good and strong, The big bamboo, it grows good and long Big bamboo stands up straight and tall And the big bamboo pleases one and all I gave my girl a banana plant She said my friend this is elegant It's much too nice to go to waste But much to soft to suit my taste Chorus I gave my girl a sugarcane Sweetness is sweet, I did explain She gave it back to my surprise She like the flavour but not the size. Chorus I gave my girl a coconut She said my friend this is OK but There's only one thing that worries me: What good is the nut without the tree? Chorus I met a Chinaman named Dick Hung Lo He got married in Mexico. His wife divorced him pretty quick - She liked bamboo, but not chopstick |
Subject: RE: Double Entendre Anyone? From: Tradsinger Date: 22 Mar 07 - 06:16 PM A woman walks into a bar and says 'I'd like a double entendre', so the barman gave her one. |
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