How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 03:28 PM

Milly, remember it is not all your fault. No matter what anyone else says, you are not to blame for everything. I left a violent, domineering partner after he fractured my skull. I should have left him earlier. He tried to make me see that it was all my fault that he liked to drink too much and hit people who couldn't hit back, either physically, emotionally or financially. Even the counsellor I saw tried to make me see that it was my fault he got mad at me. Keep telling yourself - it isn't all my fault, and believe it.

LTS

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Noreen
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 02:11 PM

Brian S.... care to explain what you mean?

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,Brian S. formerly Froodo....
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 02:02 PM

I don't think any of you are real. At least not very kind....

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,Mr Red at the local Library
Date: 04 Apr 01 - 07:55 AM

best of luck. be gentle.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 12:12 PM

Milly, thanks for the update. I'm with you, and please do keep in touch. And becoming a member is so easy, do it soon!

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,Milly
Date: 03 Apr 01 - 11:45 AM

Hi, everyone, I hope my typing is better than the last posting to this forum. My appointment for the counselling is today. I have just read back through this question and help I was asking - again I thank you and will let you know what happens to my situation. I realise I do need help that is not involved in the situation. I am lucky because it is not three months - I have a cancellation to make my problem sorted earlier. I am still not a member, but if I get myself ok, I am hoping to be soon and join in with all the musical questions and answers
many, many thanks mils

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Naemanson
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 10:17 PM

Tiggerdooley, you are a troll if you post a provocative bit of fluff and sit back to watch the fur fly.

Example: I heard that Spaw likes to blow up the butts of small woodland creatures.

You are a flamer if you post something that attacks someone. (Note the exclamation points)

Example: Spaw couldn't play an oppossum if it were made of clay and hollow!!!!

All others are genuine. It boils down to intent.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 05:02 PM

How many read a thread like this because they are at the same point in their life? Magnet is a word that hovers round here. AND...

How to tell the Kids? Just as hard a task, viz: to avoid their guilt hang-ups.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: tiggerdooley
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 03:42 PM

Thanks, Spaw. Give me time and I'm sure I'll end up a paranoid cat, too!
P.S. how do I know if I'm a troll.
P.P.S. if it should transpire that I AM a troll, how do I know whether I am a real troll or a fake troll?....

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 03:32 PM

Lots of reasons tigger.....but I'm just a bit paranoid after watching a few trolls have a go here. If Milly is real, fine. She has gotten some good info here along with the "abuse." as many have said, its better just to assume that ALL are reputable and respond in kind. Its a good policy that I sadly don't always subscribe to. That's not an excuse, just a fact. Hopefully you do better than I do.......

Spaw

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: tiggerdooley
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 03:18 PM

Maybe somebody should start a thread: 'How to spot a Mucat fake', 'cos I'm a bit lost. Why would s/he start a thread like Milly's for no reason. It seemed real to me. Maybe I'm a bit green...

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 02:53 PM

If you sing in public try singing songs that give support to the message you want to give.

"Thanks, but no Thanks" type songs.

Failing that try leaving books about the house like "Do-It-Yourself divorce".

It eases the pain for you both but at the end of the day "truth" is the only sure-fire way and it ain't gonna get any easier waiting. Practice the key points you want to say, but don't be too rigid with the delivery.

Here in the UK the counselling service is called "Relate" and you can go on your own. They will have insights on opening the subject with s/o.

Best of luck.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Naemanson
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 08:56 AM

Milly, this sounds like something a friend went through recently. Fortunately she was at the other end of the relationship. He had asked her to move in with him. She was seriously considering it. As we talked I asked about any complications in following her dream of becoming a midwife. Her response was that he had said he would LET her follow that dream. I stopped her there and asked her to repeat that portion of her statement. She did, and she still didn't get it. So I asked her to rephrase it in such a way that it wouldn't sound like he was giving her his permission. She couldn't and she finally got it. With that the door opened and understanding of the nature of the relationship dawned. Shortly after that she terminated that relationship.

My point is that it is easy to blind oneself to the shortcomings of a potential partner, or to the shortcomings of a long term partner. When the light dawns you have to realize you cannot change him/her. Either you continue to live with it or you bail out. It sounds like you are ready to bail. Do it.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 11:45 PM

Lyrical Lady, email wasn't around when I had to do it to keep my sanity (and a little sense of humour. My ex didn't have one).

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Lyrical Lady
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 11:37 PM

Hey Guest: I don't have a clue who you are but I definately appreciate your sense of humor! Milly: I've been there once and am probably heading there aain ... believe me "Honesty is the best policy" ... maybe making your SO feel like shit isn't the most pleasant thing but at least you'll feel good about yourself for telling the truth! LL

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 09:08 PM

Try an email. Heading- "Not so Dear formerly SO." That is probably enough.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Art Thieme
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 08:43 PM

Please keep in mind, in this mirror relatives will seem closer than they really are.

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Noreen
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 02:23 PM

Patrish, (this is a bit difficult as you're guesting aswell at the moment) please feel free to give Milly my e-mail address if I can be of any help- you'll see the similarities in our situations. Bill Sables has my e-mail address if you haven't.

Milly, you have got friends here.

Noreen

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 12:27 PM

In that case, Milly, please accept my sincerest apologies and wishes for a positive outcome and thanks, Patrish, for clearing that up.

kat

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,Patrish
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 11:49 AM

Milly can't become a member, because the machine she uses is her husbands work machine, She is allowed to use it but for some reason its not cookie friendly(I havn't a clue why).
I've know Milly for about 14 years, we were pregnant together and so know something of her life. I used to live across the road from her, and when I had pretended to give up smoking I used to nip across to her house and have a crafty one.
I recommended Milly speak to someone, (she has heard me praise mudcat to the highest heights.........I think thats why she posted the thread) I have tried to help her myself, but past and recent events have made me not the best listener just now
Patrish

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: bflat
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 11:29 AM

If snowflakes can be unique then why not apply the same logic to a person and their style of expression. Not everyone will write well the emotional experience they may be living through so as to provide us with an opportunity to pass judgement on the authenticity of their portrayal in a post. Milly, you need comfort, support and competent counseling. Make sure you get it. I understand your situation very well and would be happy to speak with you. If you become a member than we can PM and exchange phone numbers. I really wish you well. You might try some yoga to relax and focus.

Kindest regards, Ellen

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From:
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 09:12 PM

I have no idea who is real and who is not but assuming she is, she has just been abused further.

mg

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 08:46 PM

I know I have extrapolated a great deal from the little information provided

Yes you did, Naemanson, and you may well be right in your extrapolations. But you might equally be wrong, because it would be possible to extrapolate lots of different stories from the hints we've been give. Inevitably we are all liable to read this as being similar to some story in which we have had some involvement. But it's dangerous giving advice without knowing a great deal more than we have been given.

It's a human instinct to try to advise when asked for advice. (Assuming we have been, which is open to question. But I think it is a good rule not to risk erring on the side of being unhelpful, just because we might be taken in. Chesterton once said something on the lines "The man who is always taken-in sees the inside of everything.) But the only real advice that can be given here is to tell the full story to someone who can be trusted.

Whether that's going to mean counselling or advice is another matter. Counselling in this sort of context doesn't mean giving advice, it means helping someone decide what it is they really want. Sometimes what people really want actually is advice.

Here's another Chesterton quote, from something I was reading only yesterday:

If people can be divorced for "incompatibility of temper", I cannot conceive why they should not all be divorced. I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 08:19 PM

SIGH!!! I had to ask.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: flattop
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 06:43 PM

Not flattop and "trouser trout?" How about Spud Murphy and that 4 inch daredevil? Wow!

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 06:28 PM

Thanks Spud!!! Flattop buddy....Do you see it now? The similarity is NOT to Baal, but between flattop and "lake trout." Thanks Spud for pointing the way!!!!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Spud Murphy
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 06:16 PM

The best troll I ever had was with a 4 inch daredevil on Summit lake. I caught a 29 pound lake trout with it.

Spud

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: flattop
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 06:15 PM

Well if you just drop the 'l' from both words I might see a similarity.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 05:50 PM

Well, if you take the last 2 letters of Baal, delete everything else, then add 4 different letters, one of them doubled............then I'd say the similarity is striking between the two! They are indeed much alike. I had never noticed that before now. Thanks MT and Matt.

Spaw

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: mousethief
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 05:42 PM

Not very much.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Matt_R
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 05:30 PM

Wasn't flattop like Baal's other name?

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: flattop
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 05:20 PM

Looks like I'll have to crack open my concordance and make something up.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 04:49 PM

Brett,
I respect your honesty and admire the strength of character it took for you, Kendall, Steve, et al to speak so openly and frankly about what had to have been a traumatic, painful experience. At the risk of being trite: Thank you for being who you are. That includes you too flattop. Though I need an explanation about flattop being a bibilical name.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Naemanson
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 04:36 PM

I made up everything but the facts...

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: mousethief
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 02:53 PM

You guys must think you're a bunch of farking mind-readers. Why not give someone the benefit of the doubt? Even if the person starting a particular thread is a phoney, the question is a good one, and maybe others will benefit from honest discussion of such a difficult issue.

For myself I am unable to determine who is phoney and who is real, so I assume somebody is very real until they tip their hand so completely that I can't continue the assumption. I don't see that Milly has done that.

Alex

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Noreen
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 01:49 PM

I'd rather give her the benefit of the doubt.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 01:03 PM

I pretended in the beginning...hope it helped. I agree with Sinsull..I think we've been wound up.

Noreen, the point is different, as I see it..you never felt the need to be undercover because you know us and have a certain level of trust in us, as we do you. Either M is new, a drop-in, or an old saw having a go..hard to tell when someone doesn't identify themselves as a Mudcatter. I went undercover as a GUEST a couple of months ago but made sure people knew I was a member.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Naemanson
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 12:25 PM

Milly, I for one am willing to "pretend" you are a real person with a real problem. Everything I said above stands. This is a difficult decision.

I see your insistance that he is a good person as being a self deception. Sure the kids may love him but that does not validate your belief that he is a good person. Consider that your sons are learning how to treat women from him and you have not (apparently) disagreed with that training. (i.e., you've been kept barefoot and pregnant for the last 16 years. Well, pregnant at least.) If you don't take a stand you will be able to watch your sons make the same mistakes he has made. And there is the possibility that your daughters, learning from their mother, will subconsciously look for a man who will treat them as your husband has treated you.

I know I have extrapolated a great deal from the little information provided but I can guarantee that kids learn behavior patterns from their parents. I have seen it over and over in other families and to some extent I see it in my own. Fortunately the kids' peers will have some impact on their development. And you can talk to them to make sure they understand why you were unhappy in your marriage.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Noreen
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 11:23 AM

Geez there are some cynical people here- you surprise me! There is so much in what Milly has said that has parrallels with my situation, and it takes a great deal of courage to share personal details as she has. Spaw chooses to make a joke of it and you jump on the bandwagon?

Just glad I didn't go undercover as a guest to ask for help when I was in that vulnerable position...

Milly/ Mils, send me a PM (you may need to become a member first) if you want to talk.

Noreen

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,Milly
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 10:38 AM

Sorry about my bad typing. I have found some good womans forums in my local town. If they are working for me I will no longer ask here, althuogh I must again thank you all.
Milly

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: flattop
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 10:29 AM

Just because Milly's writing is the shambles doesn't mean I'm not bald?

How about we pretend that Milly is real and treat her problem as if it was real?

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 10:18 AM

Please do Milly

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,Milly
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 09:54 AM

I don't understand what there is to laugh at? What do you mean. I am in a rough spot just now, and I turned to those people that I have seen help so many in the past. I am trully upset that you think this about me. I honestly have very little access to the internet at weekends. I wouy not dream of using this forum for anything other than honest inquiry.
I have made an appointment to see a counsellor, unfortunately there is a waiting list of about three months. I will be fine, I have mananged for long enough. I thank those who have offered me support. I am a bit soft and get upset easily, so I can only think that thoose of you who have thought bad things about me will know in their hearts that they are wrong.
love mils xx>BR> PS I will try to let you know what happens in three months time.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 09:43 AM

Then go get some professional help. I believe you are having an ugly laugh at the expense of some very good, decent, caring people.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,milly
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 09:26 AM

I am called milly, but my friends call me mils - sorry. I have 6 children, the eldest 4 are no longer at home 3 at university and one in permanent work. 6 children over 16 years - you spend alot of at time pregnant. Kat - I don't know what you mean by "Mil, filled up your wellies and then some, imo" Infact I find what you have said very hurtful. I am a real person - what do you want me to do - leave my name address and phone number then you can ring my husband and find out for yourself what his social skills are! I still protest that he is not a bad person - if his six children love him that says something. Milly - OK!

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 08:59 AM

Good question and "I have two children" followed by the "others" left home? "He's not a bad person" but would like to have kept you "barefoot and pregnant?!" That's a little over the top there, Mil, filled up your wellies and then some, imo. Clever explanation as to why we may never see more bait from you, tho...he's in control, no access, etc...

well, like Sorcha said, we've made lemonade from a lemon and there is good info here for people who are real and may need it.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 08:42 AM

Milly, Why do you keep changing your name?

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: Naemanson
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 08:04 AM

I had my guitar and my cat. The guitar helped me cry and the cat made me laugh.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 07:50 AM

Regardless of what you decide to do, here's hoping you play an instrument, or have some other activity in which to immerse yourself. You'll need it to counteract all the heavy vibes. If it weren't for the guitar during my divorce, I would probably be in jail, committed, or dead. People who have absolutely nothing or no one to fall back on during traumatic times have a much harder time. Best of luck.

Subject: RE: How do I tell My SO I want a divorce?
From: GUEST,Milly
Date: 26 Feb 01 - 05:33 AM

Sorry I have not been able to reply to your questions, I did not think it wise to access at home. I have two children 9 and 14. The others have left home. He is a very good dad, and his main problem is that he wants to be in control of all I do. He cannot understand why I go to festivals. Why I want to listen to folk music. He is not a "bad person" I think he would have liked to have kept me barefoot and pregnant. I have never changed - he knew what he was getting when we were married. I had no idea how possesive he was. Or perhaps I have changed - I can't put up with it anymore. Many thanks for your offers of support. I will see what the counselling does first. Please do not take my absense as anything other that it is - I do not have unlimited access to the internet and have to make the most of it when I can.
Mils