BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw

Subject: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 08:13 PM

Well it's over.......The first, and I hope last, Super Mind Altering and Semi-Patriotic Fireworks and Flaming Asshole Gala. I don't know why or how this stuff starts but anytime I use Cletus for anything, the one sure thing is that I'll end up with a long list of people wanting money from me. It started off so well............

The plan was simple. All we wanted to do was bring khandu back to his senses and knowing that a good cross burning might do the job, we started there. I mean hell, he's Mississippi boy and cross burning is a genetic trait. He had become a slave and a brown noser to, of all people, Joe Offer. Something had to be done. Somehow we got carried away. Tweed acquired through Bobertz, some Patty Poopchute and Harry Hardtool anatomically correct party dols and we thought we might possibly use them as well. It's my fault though.....Has anything ever gone right when Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys are involved?

Paw went down to the lumber yard and liberated some skids and the Reg boys ripped them apart. The plan was to make 143 crosses with the skid wood and duct tape. Buford got involved and said the first one didn't look right to him. Why in the hell anything would look right to Buford is beyond me as the boy is always tanked up on Iron City and when he's not burping, he's whizzing on Mrs. Clanahan's peonies. But Paw agreed with him and they headed off to find a cross for a model. They ended up going to the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers where the good folks were happy to oblige. Of course the Rollers misunderstood the reasons here and, this being Good Friday and all, thought the crosses were being made for a religious ceremony and Paw told them to come by at 8 PM, or a little before so as to get a good seat. I wish he had told me........

About 3 PM the crosses were finished and the Boys started taking things up to the little picnic grove on 664 adjoining Ol' Man Rafferty's place. For all his faults, Rafferty is a religious old coot and was excited to see the crosses being erected on Good Friday. I guess he thought Cletus had turned over a new leaf. Paw went over to talk with him even though Rafferty still held him responsible for the destruction of his mailbox and a Buick hubcap after the Great Magnetic Ass-Healing Ring debacle. Paw commented on the new mailbox and hubcap while once again Rafferty was washing the aging Buick deuce and a quarter. Rafferty said he and his very religious wife would certainly be sitting out on their porch and it would be even better than going to Church as they had planned. Once again, I wish someone had told me..................

Since the Reg boys aren't any too talkative they were given the job of blowing up the Harry Hardtool dolls and stuffing their "tools" with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). It was a big job but they got it done. Meanwhile Cletus and Paw had filled the Patty Poopchute dolls with propane. They all worked together to drive the crosses into the ground and attached the Patty Poopchute dolls to the top. Cletus said they wouldn't be soaking the crosses in kerosene until just before they lit them which seemed okay to me.

I had arrived to check in on all of this at about 5:30 and truthfully, I was impressed at what they had accomplished! Now I knew that these good feelings were generally the portend of bad things to come, but the mind is a funny thing and we often forget the past in an effort to hold out hope for a new beginning. This seems to be what happened to me as I felt genuinely good about trying to bring this thing off and that perhaps, for once, Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys may have gotten it right.   Once again, I should have relied on past experience.............

The crosses were in the ground on a slight embankment with a propane filled Patty Poopchute mounted atop each one. Leaning against the embankment and in front of each were the Harry Hardtool dolls with their dorks pointing skyward and filled with Roman candles and bottle rockets (with whistle and report). This is a pretty conservative little place so I thought maybe the dolls would be better if they were covered or clothed and I ask the Boys to do so and they told me they'd do it....."No Problem Spaw." That should have clued me in but it didn't. My other suggestion was that because a light breeze had come up, it might be good to tie the Harry Hardtools to something so they didn't blow away. Again, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking..................

I should now take this chance to thank those who so valiantly helped in this and I want to extend my thanks to them for their part in trying to save Brother khandu. Carol, Tweed, Young Will, even Bobertz.......You all did your jobs and performed magnificently. I cannot thank you enough and to prove it, I have kept your part in this as well as your names out of the Sheriff's report. Additionally, you are free to disavow any knowledge of me or that you were ever even within a hundred miles of here. You have to admit though, it was one helluav' show!

On the chance that we might need the services of the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed, I asked for the Insanevac Chopper to be standing by. I spent the next few hours at home with Karen and the kids, eating supper and coloring Easter Eggs. When I heard the sound of the chopper I realized that several hours had passed and I was almost late for the show. I leashed up the two Weimaraners and headed for the park. Karen and the kids wanted to go but I suggested they stay home in case something went awry. This was the only good decision I made in the entire day. Besides, the "Royal Forkers" khandu had sent to surround my house had instead turned out to "mortar forkers" and had just completed the new barbeque out back and were busy working on a smokehouse. I told Karen it was better for her to keep an eye on them to be sure they were working according to plan. With Jaeger and Sissy happy to be going for a walk, I headed for the gala event.

When I arrived, a few things caught my eye right away, but it was too late to turn back. First, each Patty Poopchute doll had a purple robe like affair on them. I realized right away that the material had come from a hot air balloon that Cletus and Paw had accidentally shot down a few years ago (that's another story). Sitting atop the crosses in their purple robes, they were really quite attractive. Additionally, the Harry Hardtool dolls all were wrapped about waist with old towels in a loincloth sort of get-up. To keep the Harry dolls in place, they had tied each wrist to something or another which left their arms outstretched. Also, out front of everything was the biggest Dago Bomb I ever saw. It turns out Cletus and the Boys had bought it down in Tennessee on one of their trips south to a festival where they had contracted for the porta-potty business with their company, "Crappers on Casters." And....they had been good enough to park one of their C on C's about 50 feet to the left, over toward Rafferty's place. I stood for a moment and took it all in. Suddenly it hit me. In the purple robes and loincloths, with the outstretched arms and crosses, this looked like some Christian tableau from Hell! There they were, 143 Virgin Marys, atop 143 crosses, with 143 Jesus Christs below! My mind went numb as I began to realize that somehow this extravaganza was not going to go well at all.............

Before I could utter a word I saw Ol' Man Rafferty and his wife on their porch in prayer. About then the Church Bus bearing the members of the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers arrived in the grove.   They literally ran off the bus dropping to their knees. I tell you they went down faster than a cheap whore on a Liberian tanker. I was rapidly becoming almost paralyzed. I couldn't speak although I wanted to scream. The main thing I wanted to scream was "NO" but the best that came from my throat was a tiny croak like a dying frog with laryngitis. Not over yet though................

Tweed drove a van in and he and Carol emerged from the front with a look of trepidation on their faces as they took in the scene before them. Wrongly figuring that I had this planned, they opened the back doors and Will and Bobertz hopped out. They all four then removed khandu. Okay, it wasn't their fault they had to subdue him...I know that. And frankly it was very creative the way they had wrapped him up in duct tape from head to foot with only his eyes looking out. Even from where I was I could see he was mad. But I still thought that this cross burning gone haywire might cure him of his shameless brown nosing of Joe Offer. But the way he was wrapped reminded the church folk of Jesus in the tomb I guess, with the duct tape as a sticky Shroud of Turin. In any case they turned and started praying in that direction also. Tweed, Carol, Will, and Bobertz, were busy propping khandu up so he could see when I noticed that the Reg boys were liberally soaking the crosses and the ground in between with kerosene. I had to stop this...............

Cletus and Paw were all smiles, quite proud of what they had done and when I came stammering up to them they were a bit confused. I tried to somehow make them see what I saw but it wasn't working because my mind was moving faster than my mouth and these guys were never too sharp on the best of days. Each of the Weims was licking one of Paw's hands when I finally got through a bit to Cletus. After listening to the whole thing he said, "Don't worry Catspaw, even I know that Jesus had blonde hair and that guy don't look nothin' like him." This made no sense and once again I was so dumbstruck I was speechless. Cletus capped that with, "Besides look how happy Jaeger and Sissy are!"   After what seemed like an hour, but was probably only a few seconds of pondering that inanity, I blurted, "You stupid shit!! They're fucking DOGS!!!!" This didn't bother ol' Clete in the least and he and Paw walked off happily to get the show started. I swear to you all, I would have done anything to stop it, but the whole thing had moved not only beyond my control but into another dimension as well. From this point on, it seemed as though I watched what happened as a sort of out of body experience; just a casual observer noting the events unfolding.

In a scene like none imagined by Machiavelli it all began. Paw bent over by the crosses and flared off a monster fart. The flame shot across to the nearest cross, much like what happened in their Christmas tree disaster, and within seconds, 143 crosses were burning brightly. Cletus ran to the front and lit the monster Dago Bomb. There was one more realization to go though. Turns out they had tied the wrists of the Harry/Jesus dolls to the ankles of the Patty/Virgin Mary dolls which explained the outstretched arms. This realization only came to me as the flames ignited Patty/Mary's poopchute where the plastic was thinnest and melted first. The propane ignited and up they went......each dragging a Harry/Jesus behind. Maybe halfway to the top of their trajectory the flames ignited the Roman candles and bottle rockets in the Harry/Jesus dicks.

I gotta' tell y'all........It was a sight to behold. 143 Virgin Marys launched off of flaming crosses with their assholes trailing flame while 143 Jesus Christs ascended behind them, twirling gaily with their cocks spouting red, white, and blue balls and rockets (with whistle and report) screaming off in all directions followed by a series of bangs. Simply amazing. The church members lost all control and began flopping around on the ground, talking in tongues, and generally having a pretty good time. Rafferty's wife on the other hand seemed to be having a possible heart attack. But it gets worse..........

Cletus was so shocked at the sudden ignition of the crosses that in trying to get away from the Dago Bomb he knocked it on it's side. A massive fireball shot out and smashed underneath the porta-potty. Obviously they hadn't cleaned it or something and the methane fumes had built up. The crapper shot skyward too and the methane must have been in prodigious quantities as the fiery outhouse travelled over a mile before crashing through the roof of the condom factory, setting it ablaze. Several explosions have come from that direction and a paramedic attending Mrs. Rafferty said that a vat of latex had blown and completely covered the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Tongue Talking Mohunkers which is located just across the street.

The missing outhouse now opened the range and the Dago Bomb fired off another even more monstrous ball of fire. This time the charge landed underneath Ol'Man Rafferty's Buick and it blew up right there in his driveway. About this time the cops showed up and an ambulance was called for Mrs. Rafferty. Tweed, Carol, Bobertz, and Will were shell shocked as I was, but what was really important to us was our friend Ken. Had we brought him back? We quickly ripped the duct tape off removing small portions of skin and hair in the process. The church folks were gathering up the tape remnants which I suppose they think are now Holy Relics. I dunno' what the hell they're going to think when they arrive back at their church....which should be about now.

Khandu lay on the gurney and the anger was gone from his eyes. As a matter of fact, everything was gone from his eyes! He was completely catatonic. We loaded him aboard the NYCFTTS Insanevac Chopper for a trip to the new wing where the James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catatonic Blandness is located. We can just hope I guess.......

As for me, I foresee a long night of police and fire reports, possible fines, lawyer fees, and threats of incarceration, racing around my brain. Sweet Jesus, I need some drugs..............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 08:15 PM

For those of you wondering how this one got started, read the last half or so of THIS THREAD.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Bobert
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 08:54 PM

And that's the story and we're all stickin' to it, ahhh, unless you got a badge in yir pocket, that is...

And it sure is good to have khnadu back...

And Joe's glad to have that nose outta his butt...

And Spawzer got a new BBQ built...

And them church folk got their money's worth... (Ahhhh, seems we didn't charge 'em a danged thing?) Like I said...

And the "James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catonic Blandness" is up and runnin'...

Heck, I'd say it was a purdy danged sucessfull screw up, if ya ask me... Ahhhh, again, that is if who ever is askin' ain't got no badge in his pocket...

Boberdz

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Big Mick
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 09:47 PM

Shit, but I have missed this lunatic bunch.

Mick

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: GUEST,Dr. Ardo
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 10:21 PM

I have been asked by some aquaintances of khandu to give an update of his condition.
I am Dr. Rick Eric Ardo of the James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catonic Blandness. I am the Physician-in-Charge of all seemingly hopeless cases.

At this time, khandu is not responding well. Occassionally, a brightness appears in his otherwise blank eyes and he mumbles something that sounds like "Wow! Kerosene!".

We have given him several enemas in the last hour. His pre-enema condition may have been a major factor in his deterioration. He was, as we say in medical terms, "full of shit". We have, for the moment alleviated that condition.

I am in discussion with the renown Dr. Fredinethel Mertz. Dr. Mertz say that it is a most unusual case, in that, not only is the patient suffering catatonia, but it seems that strips of beard, moustache and skin on his face have been torn off. This has deeply perplexed Dr Mertz and me.

We are considering drastic measures which have been used only on a few cases world-wide. However, these measures have been successful in torturing spies, POW's and such, and causing them to be vunerable to "brain-washing", which is exactly what Dr. Mertz believes this patient must have, since he was, as we say in medical terminology, "so full of shit".

"It is apparent that khandu's mind was contaminated by a prodigious amount of this substance which we refer to, in medical terminology, as 'shit' ." Dr. Mertz was quoted as saying.

Immediately after this posting is complete, I will return to the bedside of khandu and begin the treatment. I will order that a set of headphones be placed on the patient's ears, to which we will have attached a continuous playing of the "hits" of Tommy Roe and a song called "Thousand Dollar Car", by a man named Bobert. Twenty-four hours of this torturous treatment and I believe we will be able to rebuild the mind of khandu and get him back to his old self.

To whom do I send the bill?

Dr. Rick Eric Ardo

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Sorcha
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 10:37 PM

Laffing so hard I can't see or breathe.... Magnificat again, Spaw!

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Bobert
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 10:38 PM

"A thousand dollar car
Ain't worth nuthin
A thousand dollar car ain't worth shit
Might as well take yer thousand dollars
And set fire to it.......................

A thousand dollar car
Ain't worth a dime
Loose yer thousand dollars every time
Oh, why did I buy a thousand dollar car?.............

Bet them verses is sticken in ol' khanny's head about now. One thing we won't have to worry about, Doc, is khandu gettin' relaesed in a few years and have him go out and buy a thousand dollar car!

And you can take that to the bank....

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: wysiwyg
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 10:42 PM

Spaw, you leave me no option but to pray for you.

(Repeating over and over, "ohGod,ohGod,ohGod,ohGod...."

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: harpgirl
Date: 18 Apr 03 - 10:42 PM

...well, since as I have said before, the most likely time to be having sex is 10:34pm, I can see who in this group is NOT GETTIN ANY!
and don't change my time to 10:34pm like the last time I said this, you cloneheads! I'm gettin' mine tomorrow night!!!!!! harpy

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 12:24 AM

Thank you Dr. Ardo.........We tried our best and now I hope we haven't done any damage and that our good freind will emerge from treatment as his old self. Not that his old self was any prize but at least he wasn't a complete suck-up!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: GUEST,Dr. Ardo
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 02:31 AM

To update friends and aquaintances of khandu's condition:

Dr. Mertz and I administered the "Tommy Roe Treatments" to no avail. However, the "Thousand Dollar Car" Method had immediate results. Upon hearing it, the patient immediately roused from his catatonic state and began screaming, "I'm in Hell! I'm in Hell!"

I asked Dr. Mertz, who has had more experience with this method than me, if we should stop the treatment. He said, "No! This is a good sign! Every patient that I have tried this method on has responded in the exact same way. Let's let the crazy suck-up bastard remain 'in Hell' a few more hours."

So, that is where we are at this point in time. Hopefully...better news tomorrow.

Dr. Ardo

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 03:07 AM

I am awed and shocked. Simultaneously.


A

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: catspaw49
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 08:21 AM

Yeah Amos, it did kinda' turn into the "shock and awe" fireworks but we have yet to see what the lasting effect is on khandu.

Thank you Dr. Ardo for keeping us up to date. All our thoughts are with Brother Ken.........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: GUEST,Peter T.
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 10:42 AM

Could you tell me whether Gladly, the cross eyed bear, showed up for the event? The Waylon Heron -- who has always fancied her, along the lines of, she may have a cast in her eye, but I would like to be cast in her eyes -- and who is visiting me for the holidays (back from Betelgueuse, which is a relief because of the notes the post office keep sending me about the hexagonal postcards and the larval stamps)wants to know. yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 11:28 AM

(I think it has to do with the return of warm weather in the Spring, Poo -- it's kind of Capillary, if you know what I mean. It's not technically infectious, just catching!)


A

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: GUEST,Dr. Fredinethel Mertz
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 12:03 PM

To update you on the bizzare fellow you call khandu:

It is with much sadness and a heavy heart that I must report that we have lost khandu. It was a shock to the whole staff here at the James Taylor Rehab Unit on Catatonic Blandness. It appeared that he was responding well to our treatments; he had regained some sense of coherency and was performing simple tricks. He would sit up, roll over, speak and play dead upon command.

As we were running him through his routine for the entertainment of the patients of the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed (they loved it when he did the "poo-poo on the doctor's shoe" routine!), he suddenly took a turn for the nurse. He pinched her on her, as we say in medical terminology, "pert little jiggly ass",and was overheard to say, "Hey baby, wanna be a Royal Dancin' Tart? Point me in the direction of Mississippi!"

At this point, he bolted from his leash and jumped through an opened window. We have searched for him to no avail. We have lost him.

It is our assumption that he is Mississippi bound.

He left behind various personal effects; an autographed picture of Lawrence Welk, a Mel Bay "How to play the Accordion" instructional book, a nude pictorial entitled "Tweed and Catspaw's Frolic in the Fields of Love", and a Cherokee head-dress.

If any of you hear from him, please contact us here at once. He is not fully recuperated and I fear that, unless he is returned to complete his restoration, there will be unpleasant side-effects.

Thank you,

Dr. Mertz

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Tweed
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 12:39 PM

Doctor Rick Ardo,

We are giving you formal notice to cease and desist this inhumane treatment of even such an arduous brown-noser as pore Kingkhandu. There are limits to what a human being can endure and I believe you are treading beyond the boundaries. I have notified the jobless Dr.Blix of the situation and a thorough inspection of the James Taylor wing will be conducted by him and his party of unemployed suckups.

Let it be known that the Tupelo Royalist Party will not allow their sovereign to remain in your treatment facilities listening to "Thousand Dollar Car" and the incessant conga drumming which emanates from Lordkhandu's ward room non-stop. We also demand that all nurses having the name "Patty" be forbidden to enter the Royal hospital suite.

Furthermore, it is our position that the King of Mississippi should receive no less than eight ice-water immersions daily in conjunction with hourly electro-shock, as a more humane and acceptable way to break him of his acute sycophantism.

Also, of highest priority, we insist that Joe Offer be banned from visiting his Majesty, nor should Kingkhandu be permitted to view the Mudcat forum with segregated Music and BS thread sections as we have reason to believe that this is the root of his Royal Dysfunction.

Yerz,
Tweed, Grande Coot d'Tupelo

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: CarolC
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 04:26 PM

Does anyone know if Rustic Rebel made it safely back home? While I was watching the fireworks, I noticed what looked like a woman on a Moped dangling from a bunch of Playmate Paul dolls floating by about 200 feet up in the air, coming in from the north and heading south.

Man, what a night.

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Tweed
Date: 19 Apr 03 - 04:41 PM

and..er...ahem.....I should just like to point out that it was very cold on the day of the "Frolic" shoot.

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 20 Apr 03 - 05:19 AM

Looks like you're not the only one who had something to point out Tweed. BTW Do you come from the Isle of Harris??
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: khandu
Date: 20 Apr 03 - 10:06 PM

"What a strange journey this has been!"

In the wee hours of the morning, I finally found myself in Mississippi. I must admit, my brain is a bit foggy. The last week or so seems like a phantasm or hideous dream. I rememeber only vague patches of the events which have led me here today.

First, I wish to point out how fitting it is that I should be typing this on this day. Indeed, the King has risen again!

When I entered my palace this morning, I discovered a sporadically-working Mudcat. I fortunately was able to get to the "Spaw's Birthday" thread and , to my horror, I read how deep I had gone into the bowels of mental distress. I was incredulous at the clap-crap I had written. It was clear that I had taken leave of my senses. What was all this "Joe Offer" business??!! My Gawd!!! Did I actually write those things?

I am moved deeply by the concern and compasssion with which Spaw, Tweed, Carol C, Bobert, et al, made their plans to "save" me.

Extreme conditions require extreme measures. My dear Friends took those measures at great risk. For that I thank you.

I must say that, though I am greatly improved, there still seems to be some "inconsistencies" bouncing around in my brain. Perhaps they are simply "side-effects" of the mistreatment I received at the hands of Drs. Ardo and Mertz. However, what ever the cause, I am certain that my Royal Head-shrinker will ably handle the situation.

I must take this opportunity to speak directly to Spaw, without whom I may have never regained my sanity.

Pat, you have proven yourself to @*&^^!~{glarp!}{snap!!!}YOU LOWBRED SELFSERVINGPOMPOUSASSWHOLE!!IHATE OHIOANDANYBODYWHOLIVESINTHATTOILETOFSTINKINGSWILL!!YOUDONTEVENDESERVETOBEINTHESAMEROOMASMYPALANDBUDDYJOEOFFER!YOUARENOTWORTHYTOWASHHISJOCKSTRAP!!YOUARENOUTHINGBUTDICKOFSWINE!!!^&$@#{sloosh,shudder}have been a true Friend in my time of desparate need. Tears fill me eyes as I think of all the effort..&@*&STINKINGBASTARDBALLS!!!*~@\&^...and all the hard work and expense you went through just to help poor old khandu. Thank you, my Friend, thank you...%(@@~WHOREHARLOTSLUTSPAW!!!!*#{glarp}...from the depths of my heart. You are a Saint!

Ken-I am much better now-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: khandu
Date: 20 Apr 03 - 10:08 PM

Due to the excessive use of Joe Offer's name by me during my mental "excursion", there lies the possibility that, since I have regained control over my bearings, Mr. Offer might suspect that any respect I had for him was part of my mental aberration. To prove otherwise, I, as King of Mississippi, have issued an edict:

The Kingdom of Mississippi shall hold Joe Offer in the highest esteem. He shall be heralded by the citizenry at any time that Mr. Offer should enter my territory. Mr. Offer shall also be awarded the Title of Third Duck of Pelahatchie, and shall henceforth be referred to by that Title by the citizenry and the King.

King khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Tweed
Date: 20 Apr 03 - 10:14 PM

Back to square one! khandu's treatments have failed completely. The brown nosing continues in an unending stream......

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: khandu
Date: 20 Apr 03 - 10:22 PM

No, no, my Dear Darling Tweed! This was done as an act of contrition and compassion! I was wrong to use Joe Offer as I did when I was...uh, ..."disturbed", and I felt I must right the wrong now that I am in my right mind. Also, it was done to show Joe Offer the respect he deserves and no more than he deserves!

(Besides...and I whisper this so no one else will hear...you know that "Third Duck" is pretty damned low on the list...especially, "Third Duck of Pelahatchie!)

BTW, has anyone seen my Head-dress?

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: khandu
Date: 20 Apr 03 - 10:23 PM

BTW, Tweed...how are you and Penelope doing? HAW! HAW! HAW!

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Tweed
Date: 20 Apr 03 - 10:37 PM

BTW, has anyone seen my Head-dress?
Don't you mean your wig and bustier Mz.Penelope Rutledge??? (..who is really a character from an unpublished Bertie Wooster adventure, picked at random by the fugitive sycophant Kingkhandu!!!")

Yerz,
Tweed

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Bobert
Date: 20 Apr 03 - 11:00 PM

Hey, I don't care if Khanny is a nut... he's my buddy!!!! So no more talk about it. Ya' hear?

Heck, the boy's got alot of pressure on him!

Put yerseff in his shoes. What if you was the nut? Like how would you like to have to get better under this constant criticism? Yeah, I didn't think so!!!

There, khanny, I told 'em! Didn't I? Yeah, I told 'em...

Hey, don't worry about them. Just take the meds and keep your appointments and all will be well soon... I'm with ya', my friend...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: khandu
Date: 20 Apr 03 - 11:07 PM

Sir Bobert once again proves himself true to his king khandu!

Tweed, maybe you should check in to the NYCFTTS! You sounding kinda paranoid!

I is beginning to worry about you!

Kk

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Apr 03 - 11:17 PM

BROTHER KHANDU!!!! I am so glad to see you back.... We had some strange messages from the Docs at the Taylor Rehab Clinic saying your treatment wasn't finished, but you sound really good! Nothing like fiery crosses shooting of Virgin Marys with flaming assholes lifting ball blasting Jesus' skyward to set a man right!!! I see already that you are no longer sucking up to Joe and that in itself is a breakthrough!!!

HOWEVER......I think you may still be in need of either some additional therapy or perhaps some good meds. Does the word "TOURETTE'S" have any meaning to you? It's okay King....If a touch of Tourette's is the worst of it...so be it. You might be a big hit over at the Mohunker Church!!!

BTW, the Church of Evangelical Hollering and Screaming Mohunkers has sold their latex covered church! When the flaming outhouse crashed through the roof of the condom factory and the latex vat exploded covering their church building across the street, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. They sold the church to the Safeway Contraception Clinic and with the profits are building a new one out across from the Sewer Treatment Plant.

HEY JOE...You should have been there.....It was one helluva' show. I haven't heard much from Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg Boys. I guess they're over at the Respite Tavern thinking about how to get their Crappers on Casters business going again after seeing their last one crash into the condom factory. Mrs. Rafferty didn't have a heart attack after all and was just suffering from gastritis from the sudden shot of adrenalin and extra bile after the ham gravy when she saw the Virgin Marys climbing into the night sky. The insurance company was out and looked at Ol Man Rafferty's Buick....still no decision from them yet.

The Weimaraners pretty much slept all day today but they seemed to have more dreams than usual.   As did I..............

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: khandu
Date: 20 Apr 03 - 11:30 PM

My dear, beloved Friend, Spaw, you who has saved my sanity, it is good to come here with a clear head and associate with my friends and associates again.

"Tourettes", eh? I have heard of the condition, but I don't see how it has any relevance to me.

I am concerned about my buddy, Tweed. He is showing signs of some strange aberration...he thinks I am Penelope Rutledge!

Perhaps, you, my Buddy, Spaw {blarphph-gurgleflurp}PRICKBASTARDDOGDOO!!{sloosh} could PM him and maybe get a line on his problem. I think you could reach him better than I. You have a talent for HEMMORHOIDRIDDENWHOREHOUND!!!@ this sort of thing, as demonstrated in the help you were to me!

Think about it. He is too good a fellow to lose to insanity!

Ken-let's help Tweed-khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 05:47 AM

What a long strange trip it's been
I stopped about a mile from the fireworks, figured I better pull over and fill up the playmate Paul dolls with projectile penis balloons. I was running late and wanted to hurry and get there before the fireworks went off. Pulling that cotton candy cart loaded with sugar and helium had really slowed me down.
I'm getting the playmate Paul dolls with projectile penis balloons blown up and I'm tying them to the cart. I've got about 85 blown up and as I attach the 86th playmate Paul doll with projectile penis balloon to the cart, the cart starts to lift up off of the ground.
I grad ahold of the handlebars of the moped just as it is lifting off and I climb on the moped and settle it back down. I'm thinking shit, I have a little problem here, I better take that last playmate Paul doll with projectile penis balloon off and get on down the road.
So I jump off the moped, and the damn cart takes off up into the air again, only this time a big gush of wind blows up right at the same time and sends my cart and moped right up. I grab hold of the handlebars and now I'm going right up with it.
There I am, dangling from my moped that was hanging from my cotton candy cart that was attached to 86 playmate Paul dolls with projectile penis balloons. I thinking oh yeah good one, I just 86ed myself right the hell out of here.
Here I am, about 200 feet up into the air when I float over the fireworks. I can see them going off before I even get over them, but when I get there I watch from above all kinds of commotion going on down below. I am floating right above the whole thing.
Ever heard of hail Mary's? well, it was hailing Mary's all around me. Then suddenly this rocket that resembled Jesus shoots up out of nowhere, it's balls a-flaming and it shoots right into my playmate Paul dolls with projectile penis balloons. That was just enough to push me into some high jet air stream, and I took off like a jet.
I'm climbing higher and I'm thinking I have to do something real soon or I'll be out of breathable air, so I came up with a plan.
I start to climb up my moped and into the cotton candy cart. Like I said, I had plenty of sugar and I'm thinking I am going to make a shit-load of cotton candy, wrap it aroud my body for cushion then start popping those playmate Paul dolls with projectile penis ballooons and lower myself down to earth.
So I start whipping up the cotton candy and I'm wrapping it around my body. I'm looking like a big pink puffball. I have to reach out and grab hold of the strings attached to the playmate Paul dolls with projectile penis balloons.
I'm pretty sure I have enough cushion, so I pull down a playmate Paul doll with projectile penis balloon and grab hold of the dick and give it a prick with a knife, that I had in the cart. The penis explodes when I prick it, and the playmate Paul doll with projectile penis ballooon deflates in like a second, and the cart, the moped, me and 85 playmate Paul dolls with projectile penis balloons, jolt and start decending at a rate of speed I was not very comfortable with.
Acting fast, I grab the strings attached to the playmate Paul dolls with projectile penis balloons, wrap the strings around my wrist, roll out of the cart window,(lucky the window was big enough for me to fit through being I was a big pink ball of cotton candy) and I cut the strings off of the cart.
My cart and moped go sailing down to earth, and I shoot up. I cut away 5 playmate Paul dolls with projectile penis balloons, then 5 more and I am decending! 5 more, 5, more until I'm at about tree level and as luck would have it I'm in a clearing, so like a stupid shit I cut them all away and go falling to earth.
Well I fell fast and hard to the ground and all that cotton candy stopped my fall but flattens out and I rolled and that cotton candy, well how can I say this? It bonded with me. So I lay there wondering if I'm alive, the cotton candy was like flat and compacted to me and it's hard to move but I manage to stand up and start looking around.
I can hear cars and I know I'm close to a road so I walk to the sound. I walk right past my cart and moped all smashed to hell. I get out on the road and try to wave a car down. All these cars are going by me and pointing and laughing and waving back at me.
With a little more luck on my side, I walked about 1/4 mile and there was a service station. I go into the bathroom, look into the mirror, and here, that cotton candy had formed around me and flattened out up above my head and it gave the appearance of two large rabbit ears. Well shit, people must have thought I was a flipping pink marshmallow Easter bunny just walking down the road waving for shits and giggles.
I started to peel the stuff off and washed myself as good as I could, I walk outside and a little more luck on my side, the gas station was also a Grayhound bus depot. I bought myself a ticket, straight to Minnesota. Ended up having Easter dinner in some greasy spoon in Wisconson, just pulling in and had to let you know I survived.
Thanks for asking Carol. Oh and one more thing Carol, thanks alot for starting that damn Spaw birthday thread!
Peace Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: catspaw49
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 10:36 PM

Someday, someone somewhere, far in the future, is going to read this crap and say, "This is what they did with their time? No wonder their society and culture failed!"

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Amos
Date: 21 Apr 03 - 11:03 PM

And when the finger moves, and writes
Upon some future midnight chamber wall,
And pauses in some future fading light
And points, at last revealing all,

What horrid truth will there revealed be?
What foul disdain for God and Natural Law?
No evil spell of Ba'al will those men see,
But one mysterious token written:

"Spaw"

Regards,


A

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 05:55 PM

That is funny Amos! I think this has been a fun adventure in wasting time. The gala event of spring. Good story Spaw, and it's good to see Khandu back to almost recovered!
Rustic

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 06:00 PM

Very funny, Amos. Or were you serious?
M.

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Amos
Date: 22 Apr 03 - 06:34 PM

I was about as serious as Spaw was in the post just prior.

Ask him!


A

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Amos
Date: 24 Apr 03 - 04:55 PM

I think Mister Spaw owes us an answer on relative seriousity here...

A

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 02:15 PM

An answer? I thought that capped it Amos. Good god man, do you know how many nights I lie awake and wonder that my tiny mark on the records of man, my footprint in the sands of time, my tiny bit of immortality, is just THAT???!!!......SPAW.......and the connection of that single word to those bizarre and bawdy tales.....

I fear that probably someday, even today, that some asshole from the "Homeland Security" offices is perusing the web and locates the Chronicles of Cletus and simply issues an order to have me euthanized as an act of patriotism.........

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Amos
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 04:14 PM

Well, make sure you keep copies for perusal at the Pearly Gates, pal. Even if it doesn't qualify you for admission you'll have the Gate Keeper rolling around laughing so hard you can walk in as though to the manor born and just sorta blend in with the populace like one of those fedayeen I've been reading about,.

As to the Ridge runners, I understand reading is not one of their requirements, so not to worry....


A

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 04:41 PM

This thread isn't funny. It just isn't. Not funny at all.

It doesn't prompt a laugh.

It does not amuse even slightly.

Besides, it's a transparent and desperate attempt to maintain a fading imperial position of supposed Mudcat grandeur which is descending like a half-inflated gasbag, like a stubbornly smouldering Hindenburg, into the purgatory of its own dwindling obsolescence and its anachronistic collapse into meaningless nonviability.

The denigration of my sexual parts or prowess will not be an adequate response to the above, Spaw.

Subtlety, man, subtlety! Without it you are lost!

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: Rustic Rebel
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 09:57 PM

Oh shit- it sounds like Little Hawk has a case of Khanduitis. Call in the Doctors!

Subject: RE: BS: Gala FIREWORKS Display by Cletus and Paw
From: khandu
Date: 25 Apr 03 - 10:01 PM

Hell, is it catching? At least, LH hasn't reached the "Me and Joe Offer Syndrome" yet! Maybe there is still some hope for him!

khandu