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BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
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Subject: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:28 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'The First Joke Thread for 2004 became a little large, then people started using the Wit thread, so now I have started this thread for Mudcat Humour. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:32 AM Shopkeepers Competition The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... MAIN ENTRANCE. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Nick Date: 09 Jun 04 - 09:12 AM Two nuns, Sister Carol and Sister Helen, are traveling through Transylvania in a car. Suddenly, a vampire jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses at them through the windscreen. "Quick, quick!!" shouts Sister Carol. "What shall I do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on; that will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Carol switches them on, which knocks the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again. "Now what?" shouts Sister Carol. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. Sister Carol opens the window and shouts: "GET THE F*** OFF MY CAR!!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 09 Jun 04 - 10:17 AM Sign in restaurant window: "Pie like Mother used to make -$1...... Pie like he says she made -$1.50" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 14 Jun 04 - 06:39 AM Without Prior Public Announcement... The Mudcat Second Joke Thread for 2004 is back! Which Joke Thread do you support? Vote with your Jokes Now! The Fooles Troupe But I won't be able to read either thread in pages anymore easily as I have turned off the BS switch, and will now have to read such BS threads either from the "Mesages since last Visit Page" or from the Traced threads on my Personal Page. Robin |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 14 Jun 04 - 06:21 PM Was the World Series. Milwaukee and New York. Score was tied at the bottom of the ninth. Two men out. Relief pitcher Milt Famie was called from the locker room. He had been drinking lots of beer. He staggered to the mound. He pitched. Ball one. He pitched again. Ball two. Pitched again. Ball three. Pitched once more. Ball four. New York's winning run ran the bases. Game was over. Series went to New York. When the depressed Milwaukee team went to the locker room, there was a very dejected relief pitcher guzzling away. One of his team mates said, "What's that in his hand?" Another fellow from the New York team replied, "Oh. That's the beer that made Milt Famie walk us." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 14 Jun 04 - 06:30 PM My apologies. That was a joke I first heard from Pat(rick) Sky. Was reminded of it on another thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Naemanson Date: 15 Jun 04 - 01:24 AM My boss says he was saved from the boredom of another meeting the other day when the presenter stood up and introduced himself as Mel Walker. He entertained himself with various mental images of introductions and comments as Mel rambled on and on about some vague bureacratic bulls**t. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 15 Jun 04 - 05:33 AM After Mozart passed away, the town drunk heard some strange noises coming from the grave site. Terrified, he ran and got the priest. He bent close to the headstone and heard some faint, unrecognizable music. The frightened priest got the town magistrate. He listened for a minute and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Symphony No. 41 being played backward. And there's the 40th ... the 39th ... 38th ..." Then he stood up and said, "Nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 15 Jun 04 - 03:23 PM Naemanson, forgive my denseness, but what's funny about your post of 1:24 A.M.? Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Joe_F Date: 15 Jun 04 - 07:02 PM Q. Why do so many people smoke after intercourse? A. Inadequate lubrication. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,noddy Date: 16 Jun 04 - 07:38 AM Heard the one about the Irish man who thought England was a football team. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 16 Jun 04 - 10:37 AM United Flight A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too!" Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 16 Jun 04 - 10:38 AM "Room Service" A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile. "Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got here yesterday!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: JennyO Date: 16 Jun 04 - 12:20 PM Five tips for a woman.... 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 16 Jun 04 - 10:34 PM The chicken and the egg had sex. When they were done, the chicken said, "Well, I guess we've answered THAT question." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST Date: 17 Jun 04 - 11:33 AM |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Dharmabum Date: 17 Jun 04 - 05:15 PM A nurse goes into a bank one Friday afternoon to cash her paycheck. While attempting to sign the back of her check she notices that her pen isn't writing. Upon further inspection,she realizes she's holding a rectal thermometer. At which point she says"Oh great,some assholes got my pen"! DB. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jim Dixon Date: 17 Jun 04 - 07:29 PM I give up. Who is Mel Walker? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Mrrzy Date: 18 Jun 04 - 04:14 PM The priest and the rabbi were discussing religion in the priest's office, when a choirboy came in to deliver a message from the bishop. As the boy was leaving, the priest ogled his backside and whispered to the rabbi, "I'd like to fuck him!" The rabbi, surprised, asked "Out of what?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST, TheBigPinkLad Date: 18 Jun 04 - 06:08 PM Q: What's the difference between a duck? A: Well, one rides a bicycle. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Joe_F Date: 18 Jun 04 - 06:37 PM Said the Episcopalian to the Baptist at the ecumenical luncheon: "After all, we are both doing the Lord's work -- you in your way, and I in His." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 18 Jun 04 - 06:51 PM |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Peace Date: 18 Jun 04 - 07:00 PM That's not funny. I forgot to write the joke before I posted, and now I forget what it was. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Celtaddict Date: 19 Jun 04 - 10:29 AM BigPinkLad: For decades, my (late, research-physicist) father's favorite riddle was: What's the difference between a duck? One of his feet is alike. brucie: yes, it is. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 21 Jun 04 - 03:11 AM A new fire truck will be handed over by the mayor to the fire department. There is planned also a short ecumenical religious ceremony. The local representatives of the creeds are kindly invited to perform. The Lutheran minister: "I shall give a short sermon." The Catholic priest: "I shall say the prayer and sprinkle the truck with holy water." The Rabbi: "What shall I do? Maybe I could saw off a small end of the exhaust pipe?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST, TheBigPinkLad Date: 25 Jun 04 - 06:05 PM The same priest was seated next to the same rabbi at the ecumenical dinner later that week. When the hors d'ouvres came around, the rabbi declined the bacon-wrapped scallops. "Come on," said the priest. "This is great, try it." "No. we Jews do not eat pork." "Not even a bit of bacon?" "No." "Never? Come on, I swear your secret will stay with me." "OK," admits the rabbi. "I tried bacon once when I was a young man. But what about you Catholics? You don't marry, but surely you have had sex at some time?" "Never," said the priest. "Come on ... your secret is safe with me," said the rabbi. "Well," said the priest. "Yes, ... when I was a teenager I had a girlfriend before I went to the seminary and we made love once." "Better than pork, isn't it?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 28 Jun 04 - 03:47 AM A similar one: A priest is rambling on to a rabbi about the "superstitious Jewish custom" never to eat pork, closing his diatribe with: "When will you finally start to consume pork?" Rabbi: "At your wedding, Monsignore." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,weerover Date: 28 Jun 04 - 04:31 AM Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't the rabbi have been unable to eat the scallops anyway? wr. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,Bob Date: 28 Jun 04 - 08:14 AM A blind man went into a department store with his guide dog, stood in the middle of the store and started to spin the dog around his head. A worried shop assistant rushed over to him and said "What on earth are you doing?!" The blind man replied, "Oh, I'm just having a good look around" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jim Dixon Date: 28 Jun 04 - 10:29 AM An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said, "Dad, I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute." Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart, and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by me own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!" "Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute." Brushing the priest aside, the old man bolted upright in bed, smiling. "Did ye say prostitute? Bejasus... I thought ye said a PROTESTANT!" [OK, maybe it's an old joke but isn't this better than the abbreviated version?] |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill D Date: 28 Jun 04 - 11:07 AM ah yes, Jim...I truly treasure jokes and stories that are well-constructed and timed. Shortened, half-remembered, awkwardly phrased jokes are painful!~ Remember when comedians told *jokes* rather than rambling discourses about their personal life? Now, Buddy Hackett...THERE was a joke teller! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill Hahn//\\ Date: 28 Jun 04 - 06:39 PM A man has a ticket for a sleeper berth on a Pullman car. He offers to take the upper to a female passenger who also has a berth in the car. Shortly he is quite cold and asks the lady below if there is a blanket she might throw up to him. She asks--"...since we won't be seeing each other again and we are here for only one night would you like to make believe we are husband and wife?" He replies: "Sure" She: Well, get your own damned blanket. Bill Hahn |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill Hahn//\\ Date: 28 Jun 04 - 06:41 PM And since we have had the ecuminical ones--- The Titanic is about to go down and the lifeboats are about to be lowered. The Protestant Minister says: Women and Children First The Rabbi: F###K the women and Children The Priest: |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill Hahn//\\ Date: 28 Jun 04 - 06:45 PM Looks like an error in my sending: The punch line: The Priest: Will there be time Looks like I screwed that one up Bill Hahn |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Jim Dixon Date: 28 Jun 04 - 11:13 PM An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, señor. Sometimes the bull wins." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Bill Hahn//\\ Date: 29 Jun 04 - 08:09 PM Since Cannibalism is now the topic (testicles) there is the tale of the 2 missionaries being boiled alive to feed some cannibals. ONe says to the other: What shall we do? The other: Don't worry I just pissed in their soup. Drum Roll now and Tada Bill Hahn |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Dipsodeb Date: 30 Jun 04 - 08:11 AM 2 old ladies sitting outside an old peoples home smoking a cigerette, and it starts to rain, so one old lady gets out a condom snips off the end and puts it over her fag. What's that said the other one "oh it's a condom" where do you get them from? she asks, you can get them anywhere. The next day she goes into the shop and asks for a packet of condoms, "what size asks the shop keeper? "oh any as long as it fits a camel" :)) 2 monkeys go to have a bath, one gets in and goes ooohh oohh aahh aahh, (monkey noises) and the other says well put some cold in you silly bastard. ~Debs~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 07 Jul 04 - 09:06 AM Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wesley S Date: 07 Jul 04 - 09:34 AM The US Marine Corps found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a grizzly old Gunny who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension personnel that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Gunny insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Gunny to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Gunny's penis and began to work back. My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Gunny calmly replied . . .."Vietnam." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 10 Jul 04 - 09:07 PM |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,Sleepless Dad Date: 11 Jul 04 - 04:58 PM Was that a zen-style joke ? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: MudGuard Date: 11 Jul 04 - 05:00 PM No, a nihilistic one ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 12 Jul 04 - 12:13 AM A computer guy is walking down the street when he sees a frog. The frog looks up to him and says, "Hey, listen! If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll marry you." The computer guy picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and walks on down the street. A little later the frog calls out from his pocket and says, "Hello? If you kiss me then I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll marry you!" The computer guy takes the frog out of his pocket and says to it, "Look, I'm a computer guy. I don't have time for human relationships. But it's really cool to have a talking frog." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 13 Jul 04 - 01:49 AM Why don't they teach donkeys to talk? Nobody likes a Smart Ass! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 14 Jul 04 - 12:25 PM Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 16 Jul 04 - 01:13 PM That was a really good one, uncle! Reminds me of how came that the small angels are topping the Xmas tree (somewhere in the threads). Wilfried |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 19 Jul 04 - 10:40 AM "Mirror, Mirror On the Wall...." Legend has it that there is a bar in New York City where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* one is instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive!" *POOF* The mirror swallows her. Later, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde walks into the Ladies room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." *POOF* |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 20 Jul 04 - 08:30 AM I think what made Mel Walker famous made a loser out of some people on this thread...;-) Two major roads sat chatting in a bar when a scrawny bit of green asphalt comes in steals their drinks, knocks them back, spits at them both and storms out. "What's his problem?" asks one shocked major road. "Don't say anything whatever you do!" says the second, horrified, "That guy's a cycle path..." Cheers DtG |
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Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004 From: GUEST,noddy Date: 20 Jul 04 - 10:53 AM At a folk club one night the MC is announcing the list of guests coming to the club in the following weeks. " and next week" he says . "we are to have a tremendous guitarist from the US of A. He has been voted the Best Guitarist in America five times". The audience much impressed at this tell all their friends and next week the hall is packed and over flowing. However the guitarist is terrible and by the time the guitarist has played only two tunes all have left. The MC is embarrassed and cannot believe what he is seeing and hearing so he picks up the promo sheet and reads it again slowly. It says in a poll of to select the best guitarist in America he got five votes. |
