BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Rosanna
Date: 30 Jan 05 - 10:37 AM

Mister Spot like cleaning.....:)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:06 AM

First Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:04 AM

"Alcohol Warning Labels We SHOULD See"

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off
a garbage truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a jerk.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell the same boring story over and over again until
your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying
your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at four in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something really scary
(whose species and/or name you can't remember).

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter
than some really, really big guy named "Psycho."

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe you're invisible (or invincible).

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 04 - 09:19 AM

"Is There A Santa Claus?"

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January,
1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into
Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15%
of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's
91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child
in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to
park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each
of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles
per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting
stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours,
plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves
at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run,
tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego
set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land,
conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES
the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the
same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of
energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame
almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and
create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer
team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on
Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 29 Dec 04 - 10:51 PM

The answer is, "Chicken Terryaki"
What is the question?














What is the name of the oldest living kamakazi pilot?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 28 Dec 04 - 03:28 PM

STATEMENT OF ACCIDENT
Sir,
While driving my bus on authorised route at approx 01:30hrs, 25. 12. 04. I was involved in an accident that resulted in several slight casualties.
I was driving towards the depot, having just set down my last passenger, when this unusual looking horse-drawn vehicle suddenly appeared in front of me. It must have fallen directly into my path, as it wasn't there a few seconds before, the road was absolutely clear, I swear.
This vehicle then proceeded to swerve and veer in a most alarming manner.
I applied my brakes, but we collided, my vehicle sustaining slight damage to the near side wing.
The other vehicle (some sort of sled) received slight damage to one of its runners.
I got out of my cab to exchange details with the other driver, an old man in a dirty red suit & white beard, who appeared to be drunk.
He swore at me and started gesticulating in a wild uncontrolled manner. His horses seemed to get upset by this, and they began to rear up & were attempting to pull loose from their harness.
These horses were rather peculiar looking, too. They each had horns stuck on their heads, and were bedecked with tinsel and ribbons, which were flying about a bit with all the excitement. The lead horse may have been drunk as well, judging by his rather reddened muzzle!
At this point, the police arrived.
Constable Joy spoke to the other driver, who said his name was Nicholas, and attempted to calm him down.
Mr Nicholas became even more agitated, saying he was very late & getting later by the second.
On being asked why he was all dirty and dishevelled, he replied "You would look a bit bloody rough if you had been stuck up a bleeding chimney for six bloody hours, mate"
Constable Joy asked Mr Nicholas if he had been drinking, to which he said he had downed a few Sherries and some Crème De Menthe, but was still able to drive, and anyway, the team knew the way.
During this time, a small crowd had gathered. One gentleman tried to calm the horses, but the lead horse bit him quite badly, and the policeman called for an ambulance.
A nice old lady then gave this horse some sugar lumps "which she always carried, just in case" after which the horse fell down, apparently drunk. The other horses then slipped out of their harness and bolted, causing a few injuries among the crowd.
The second police car took Mr Nicholas away as soon as it arrived. The ambulance took away the injured, and I went back to the depot to fill in this report.
I also submit a claim for overtime of three and a half hours.
I shall not be at work tomorrow, as I believe I may be suffering from delayed shock.
Yours sincerely,
Charlie Noggs.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Dec 04 - 09:32 AM

"A Letter of Apology"

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of
general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you
have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I
must have done something wrong at the office Christmas
Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital
today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way
of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to
everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and
dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the
things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware
that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese
whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you
buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of
my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too.
About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly
I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they
were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense,
I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade
on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and
we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the
rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure
you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest
thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little
prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd
have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat
lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped
through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been
killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the
false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would
make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot
of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to
the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie
quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on
the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes
me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night
after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes
and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room,
is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very
embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them
and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your
falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was
a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed
funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband
is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling
them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am
forgiven, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic......

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 08:14 AM

"Drinking Buddies"

One man was downing them faster than usual when
the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"

The man said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She
was a saint on earth. She went to church every single
morning, spent her days reading and quoting the
Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled
our house with religious statues and paintings, and
invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."

"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented,
"I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"No," the first man replied. "I strangled her."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 08:10 AM

"Signs You're Drinking a "Chick Beer"

Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself
asking a friend to come along.

Warning label states: "Caution: May make butt look fat."

After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating
actually *is* a sport.

Your belches come out potpourri-scented.

You still cry into your eighth one, but now it's because
the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.

The slogan: "Get that bloated feeling *any* day of the
month!"

The label boasts that it's this month's recommendation
from Oprah's Beer Club.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 09:04 PM

A man observed a woman in the grocery store
with a three year old girl in her basket. As they
passed the cookie section, the child asked for
cookies and her mother told her "no." The
little girl immediately began to whine and fuss,
and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just
have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be
upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle.
Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy.
When she was told she couldn't have any, she
began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen,
don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll
be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at
the check-out, where the little girl immediately began
to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum
upon discovering there would be no gum purchased
today.

The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this
check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go
home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and
stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't
help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Tammy...
I'm Ellen."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 03:41 AM

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies


-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.



-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.



-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.



-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.



-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.



-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.



-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.



-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.



-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.



-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.



-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.



-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.



-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 11:23 AM

And now a historic one:

Revolutionary war in Russia. A Red Army unit from Central Asia is marching to the Ural mountains, using Bactrian camels for transport of food and ammunition.
When passing a small village, a peasant woman, seeing the camels, exclaims:
Look, what the damned Bolsheviks have done with the horses!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 07:35 AM

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?


6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mince. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mince, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?


9. Did someone mention fruitcake?

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 08:39 PM

Snap!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 08:38 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 08:17 PM

Don't know what happened to the post. Sorry. Not important anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 08:16 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 07:00 PM

You may not know that many non-living things actually have a gender. For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong            buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Walrus
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 09:00 AM

Four Americans, all with a passion for golf, friends meet up after many years apart and decide to ply a four handed game.
While one is off sorting out the green fees, the other three start talking about their children:
The first boasts "My son owns a string of car dealerships throughout Nevada, as generous? Only a few weeks ago he gave a friend of his a brand new, top of the range BMW".
The second looked up "My boy's in Nevada too, he runs his own construction company. Recently he gave a friend a new house, free and clear".
The third, not to be outdone pipes up. "My son is in finance, three months ago he gave a friend of his a stock portfolio worth $100 000"

At this point the fouth player returns.

"Hey, we were just talking about our kids, what's that boy of yours doing these days?"

"Oh, Donny has moved to Las Vagas, he's a dancer in a gay club"

The other players are smirking to themselves at this news

"Mind you, he's not doing too badly, in the last three months, three of his lovers have given himm a house, a brand new BMW and $100 000 worth of shares".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 08:46 AM

Mrs Friedman tells the rabbi she won't be around as she's going on holiday to Nepal. He tries to get her to go to Israel instead but she won't be persuaded. On arrival, the hotel want to arrange cultural trips for her. "I want to meet the High Lama" she says. They finally get a lama to see her but she is adamant she must see the High Lama. Finally gets taken to sacred moiuntain and after getting through whole series of acolytes is finally admitted to presence of High Lama. "What have you to say to me" he asks.
Mrs Friedman says: "Irving, come home, you don't call, you don't write..."

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 04:48 PM

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy... I'll do the rest."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 07:15 AM

Two planets are passing one another in space.
One asks: "How do you do?"
The other: "Quite bad, I got a heavy virus infection."
"What is it?"
"They call it homo sapiens."
"Well, don't worry, it will be over soon!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 11:08 PM

Well, a new development in the spam today... they tagging on a few jokes at the end of the usually "Get your medications cheap" drivel.

Here's a couple from today's sampling (after correcting several spelling, punctuation and grammar mistakes):


A preacher goes into a bar and says, "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up now!"
Everybody in the place stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher asks, "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says, "Oh, when I die?... Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

*****

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later,the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands a different room.
"But sir," said the clerk, "You have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525."
"Good," says the drunk.
"Would you mind telling me what's wrong with 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 08:32 PM

That was later in his life, Freda. When he was younger, well, here's the story . . .

Woman on a train with her son. A drunk fellow looked at the child and said, "Lady, that is the ugliest kid I have ever seen. I didn't think they made kids that ugly." The mother burst into tears and called for the conductor. She told the conductor that she was very, very upset and wanted the drunk put off the train at the next stop. The conductor, wanting to get her settled down said, "Ma'am, just calm down. I'll go get you a nice cup of tea, and while I'm at it, I'll get a banana for your monkey!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 08:31 AM

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, 'Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?'

'I'm sure I can.' the psychiatrist replied. 'Just go over and lie face down on that couch.'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: HuwG
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 07:20 AM

You may recall that (Sir) Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical, "Cats" was a great hit some years ago. Webber decides to repeat his triumph with another musical, this time called "Dogs". They hold the auditions in a West End theatre. The first aspiring star goes on stage and asks, "What do you want me to sing ?" The director shouts back, "Anything you like, so long as it's about dogs."

"Ok", says the actor. "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, cryin' all the time. You ain't nothin' but a hound dog ..."

"Thank you!", shouts the director. "We'll call you. Next !" The second actor comes on stage. "What do you want me to sing ?"

"Anything you like, about dogs."

"Right. How much is that doggie in the window ..."

"We'll let you know", shouts the director. "NEXT!" Enter the third wannabe, who asks, "What do you want me to sing ?"

"Anything you like, about dogs."

"Sure.

Strangers in the night, exchanging glances
Wondering in the night, what were the chances
We'll be sharing love before the night was through
Something in your eyes was so inviting
Something in your smile was so exciting
Something in my heart told me I must have you ..."


"HOLD IT !" shouts the director. "Before we throw you out of the theatre, would you care to tell us what that song has to do with dogs ?"


The actor shouts back, "Hang on ! I haven't got to that bit yet.

Scooby-dooby-doo, be do be do be ..."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 05:59 AM

Foolestroope, replace bay with Liffey and folk singer with banjo player ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 08:38 PM

This one is dedicated to Martin Gibson...

A bluegrass player wandered through Chinatown, and was drawn into a small, dusty curio shop. A bell tinkled as the door opened and he nodded to the aged proprietor and browsed. In his search, he came across a porcelain statue of a large rat, which intrigued and amused him enough for him to wish to purchase it. He carefully took it to the counter and placed it down. The old proprietor spoke. "The rat is ten dollars to purchase. But there is a story that goes with it; a most intriguing story..."

The man cut him off. "I've no time right now. Please just put it in a bag, and I can be on my way."

"But you must know..." the owner started.

The man cut him off again. "I'm in something of a hurry. If I want the story, I'll come back."

The elderly man nodded, "You'll be back for the story." He placed the rat in a bag and wished him good bye as he left.

As the man continued on his way, he noticed a large number of rats; peeking from rubbish bins, nosing from doorways, scampering across his path. He mentally shrugged - any largish city has it's fair share of rats. He walked along further, looking around him every now and then, noticing more rats, some of which even began to follow him. He picked up his pace, and more rats joined the fray. The man began to jog as more and more of the furry vermin joined the group. Beginning to panic, he started to run. Thousands of rats were now chasing the running man through the city. He had a sudden idea and ran toward the bay that bounded the city, more vermin joining with each step. As he skidded to a halt at the pier, he hurled the rat figure as far as he could manage out into the bay. He stood and watched in disbelief as the many thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after the figure and drowned. The man turned and ran as fast as he possibly could away from there. There was only one place to go.

The bell above the door tinkled as the man staggered back into the curio shop, panting heavily.

"Ah," said the aged proprietor. "I knew you would be back for the story..."

"No," panted the man. "Bugger the story. I want to know if you have and statues of folk singers."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 04:55 AM

A man and a woman both going for the same job at the Zoo. The zoo keeper wanting to test them both said to the woman "Could you bravely walk into the lions cage...they have been fed....and spend a few minutes in there with them"?. With that the woman stripped off her beautiful fur coat and her underwear and walked naked into the cage. The lions converged on her and started to lick her on every part of her body!!!
The Zoo keeper turned to the man and said "Now, do you think you could do that"?
The man replied "Of course I can but get those flamin'lions out of the way first"!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 07:00 PM

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the barand are walking down thestreet when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pat him first".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: annamill
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 04:45 PM

A Fence Bid

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, ''Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?'' So to the back fence they all went.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ''Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ''Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ''$2,700.''

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ''You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?''

''Easy,'' he said. ''$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.''

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 05:14 PM

Well, that one came to me from a commercial joke-a-day email that I get. Actually the two that I put up today came together in one email from that source.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 04:19 PM

Uncle DaveO - where do you get these utterly religious jokes from?
Would like to read more of the ilk.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 11:57 AM

"Heavenly Arrivals"

A man arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room
24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.

"Religion?"

"Islam."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass
room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass
room 8."

Finally, a woman arrives at the entrance to heaven.

"Religion?"

"Bahá'í."

"Go to room 9, but be very, very quiet as you pass
room 8."

The woman says, "I can understand there being different
rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when
I pass room 8?"

St. Peter answers her, "Well, all of the Southern Baptists
are in room 8, and they think that they're the only ones
here."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 11:55 AM

"Globalization"

Question: What is the truest definition
of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you
change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.


This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladesh workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 04 - 09:13 PM

Two married doctors, Doug & Bob are talking. Bob says that he is really upset to hear Doug is engaged in a sexual relationship with a patient.

I just couldn't resist says Doug, she was sooo attractive.

But Doug, replies Bob, it's unethical, and immoral, and besides, we're veterinarians.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Nov 04 - 08:41 PM

Favorite Things, Revisited

There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP. Ms Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, Favorite Things. There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme. Here are the new words to this tune:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.


Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak,
    When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache, when the hips break,
    When the eyes grow dim,
    Then I remember the great life I've had,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: cobber
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 08:44 PM

Two old drovers were sitting in an outback pub having a beer when a well dressed stranger walked in. Eventually they can't restrain their curiosity and one walks over to check him out. It turns out that the bloke's a taxidermist. What's a taxidermist asks the drover.
"Well, basically", says the stranger, "I stuff things."
"What sort of things?"
"Well, animals, mostly."
"Strewth! Did you ever stuff a dog?"
"Oh, yes! All the time. I'm always stuffing dogs."
"What about a sheep? Did you ever stuff a sheep?"
"Oh, occasionally I get to stuff sheep."
"Yeah, well what about a cow. Did you ever get to stuff a cow?"
"Well, actually, that's what I'm here for. I'm going to stuff a cow tomorrow."
The old drover goes back to his mate.
"Well, who is he?" his mate asks.
'Oh, he's just a drover - same as us."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 05:37 PM

I too came from a poor family...we used to paint our feet with black gloss paint so all the other kids at school thought we had shoes on.
we used to watch for where next doors dog hid the bone the butcher gave him every week so we could dig it up to make soup.
we used to try to catch flies so we could have a leg each.
We were so poor!!!!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 03:22 PM

Thank you gentlemen. Just wakin' up's a good thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 02:57 PM

brucie's morning glory made your day, Cattail? Ringa ding ding!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Cattail (No cookie)
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 02:52 PM

brucie:

ROFLAO

Thanks for that one, you made my day.

Cheers

Cattail !

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 09:10 AM

This has been around before, but it seemed so apt for the way this thread was going, I just had to quote it:

When I Was A Boy
Copyright 1997 by Frank Hayes, Firebird Arts & Music (BMI)

When I was a boy our Nintendo
Was carved from an old Apple tree
And we used garden hose to connect it
To our steam-powered color tv.
But it still beat that ancient Atari
'Cuz I almost went blind, don'tcha know,
Playing Breakout and Pong on a video game
Hooked up to our radio.

And we walked twenty miles to the schoolhouse
Barefoot, uphill both ways,
Through blizzards in summer and winter
Back in the good old days.
Back when Fortran was not even Three-tran
And the PC was only a toy
And we did our computing by gaslight
When I was a boy.

When I was a boy all our networks
Were for hauling in fish from the sea--
Our bawd rate was eight bits an hour (and she was worth it!),
And our IP address was just 3.
And you kids who complain that the World Wide Web
Is too slow oughtta cut out your bitchin',
'Cuz when I was a boy every packet
Was delivered by carrier pigeon

And we walked twenty miles to the schoolhouse
Barefoot, uphill both ways,
Through blizzards in summer and winter
Back in the good old days.
Back when Fortran was not even Two-tran
And the mainframe was only a toy
And we did our computing by torchlight
When I was a boy.

When I was a boy our IS shop
Built relational tables from wood,
And we wrappered our data in oilcloth
To preserve it the best that we could.
And we carried our bits in a bucket,
And our mainframe weighed 900 tons,
And we programmed in ones and in zeros
And sometimes we ran out of ones.

And we walked twenty miles to the schoolhouse
Barefoot, uphill both ways,
Through blizzards in summer and winter
Back in the good old days.
Back when Fortran was not even One-tran
And the abacus? Only a toy!
And we did our computing in primordial darkness
When I was a boy.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 01:41 AM

We were so poor that if you didn't wake up with an erection on Christmas morning you had nothing to play with all day.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 01:31 AM

How do you get a sweet little old blue-haired grandmother to say "FUCK!"?





You get another sweet little old blue-haired grandmother to say "BINGO!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 11:03 PM

Had we only known, Dead Horse, we would have loaned you one of our tin cans. My folks always taught us to share with those who were less fortunate.
I had no hat, and felt sorry for myself, until I met a man who had no head...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:58 PM

Of course, you had it good. We used to dream of a tin can.
All we had was the piece of string, and we had to share that with ten other families..........

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:48 PM

That's really taking the ............mickey!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:45 PM

One Christmas when times were very hard, I got a small toy train. It was steam powered, but we had no coal. So, my mother began cutting up the furniture. We were able to keep the little engine going for about four days, but for three years after we ate sitting on the floor.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:39 PM

We were so poor we only had two tin cans, and my ma and sis kept them in the bedrooms to pee in when it was too cold to walk out back to the toilet. To make phone calls, we had to knock the little wooden plugs out of the holes in the cans, rinse them out, and tie the string in. Then we had to take the string back out and plug the holes again.