BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Aug 04 - 05:16 PM

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just
dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our
anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package
and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled
"Compliment?"

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a
lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would
you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging
from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your
figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted. "I haven't
added them up yet."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Aug 04 - 04:06 PM

Old, but I was reminded of it... by an earlier joke...

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Sooz
Date: 11 Aug 04 - 11:36 AM

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the
level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators.
Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock
him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are   great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake.
He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping
him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 10 Aug 04 - 02:46 PM

Three black men, all naked. The middle one's penis is white.
Now what?

They are mining in a coal pit.
The middle one was at home for lunch.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 10 Aug 04 - 09:32 AM

From The Bookseller, 6 August - Bent's Notes

The article was about the 2004 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, organised by
San Jose State University:a prize for seriously bad writing.

A "dishonourable mention" in the puns category went to Tim O'Leary for this:
'As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los
Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long", to which Reynaldo replied, "Do you know the weight, too, San Jose?"


RtS
(I'll get me serape...)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 03:24 PM

Whales


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, 'Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.'

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.' At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

'Look', she said, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 10:15 AM

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down
the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that
didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I
can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my
chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat
on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So
they were driving down the road and they came around
this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there
called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him, "Are either of them showing
any life signs?"

The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I
turned his head around the right way."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 08:39 PM

Ah - I am enlightened!

"Into every mouth, a little chicken shit must fall"

Which probably explains why we get Blessed with posters like Fartin' Gibbers-on.....

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 04:25 PM

An old farmer—who is known to be a hypochondriac—complains to his doctor:

"I cain't taste nothin'. I cain't ever tell the truth. And my memory is goin' bad besides."

The doctor goes out to his chicken coop, fetches some chicken droppings, rolls it into little balls, and puts them in a medicine bottle. He gives the bottle to the farmer and tells him to take one pill immediately, and chew it up carefully.

The old man does so, and says, "Hey! That tastes just like chicken shit!"

The doctor says, "Well, your sense of taste is pretty good. And you can tell the truth as well as anybody. Now, if you ever feel like you're losing your memory again, you just take another one o' them pills!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 09:15 AM

Sent to me:

A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 06:33 AM

The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the sermon, in which the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could not go to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problem to the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:

"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the strings for their harps?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 10:25 PM

       
        Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After  thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. W

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


        Corporate Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. "

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 3

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,peedeecee
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 06:54 PM

The minister asked the congregation to raise their hands if they would
forgive their enemies.

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

About 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Henry, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Henry, please come down in front and tell the

congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said,

"I outlived those bitches!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 12:58 AM

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He
shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to
prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if
you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll
give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten
minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm
still waiting."

His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine
just released from active duty and newly registered in the class -
walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent
him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At
first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young
Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell
silent... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young
Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and
could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do
that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Jul 04 - 06:48 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Jul 04 - 08:39 PM

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours.

The Creationist said: "Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"

"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Jul 04 - 08:37 PM

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife , and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 10:36 PM

Why did de calf walk around de rear end of de cow?

To get to de udder side.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 06:27 PM

The standard BB is .177 caliber, as are the lead pellets used in some of the same air or spring guns.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 05:33 PM

A BB is a small metal ball, (maybe 1/4 inch in diameter?), which is propelled from the air gun by a blast of compressed air. I must say, from the URL given above, they make 'em a lot more realistic looking than when I was a kid, 55 years ago!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 12:21 PM

BIG GROAN!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 10:45 AM

And while we are on the subject of weapons, did you know that swords are classified by size in roman numerals?
King Arthur had the Grand daddy of 'em all, his was a size ten.....










or.........







X calibre!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 10:43 AM

Like an AA gun, only smaller?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Jul 04 - 07:11 PM

BB Guns

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Jul 04 - 05:55 AM

What is a BB gun?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Jul 04 - 05:36 AM

COOKING BEANS

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 09:28 PM

That may be so, Freda, and if so I understand. My agreement with you and Foolestroupe was not meant to 'gang up' on the guest. Simply it was to indicate agreement with what you both had written. OK?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 03:32 AM

But wait, there's more - two for the price of one:

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For
example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and
Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of Government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud,
dixafix, and of course, ibepokin ...



                            ----====####====----



She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him
for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord - they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbour, one mourner quietly asked "Which one do you think
he means - her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbour replied, "I think he means her legs."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 03:26 AM

OK, here it is:

                              THE THREE LITTLE MOLES

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
"Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but
can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can
smell is ...



Scroll down.......













Get ready.....



















Are you sure you're ready?












You may never forgive me for this one...
















MOLASSES!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 03:11 AM

look, ft & brucie, thanks, but i'm not "against" guest. he/she obviously has a son fighting over there and is worried - as any of us would be in that circumstance. I'm with you all.

x best wishes

freda

ps lets get another joke on here - we need it!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 11:42 PM

I'm with Freda and Foolestroupe.

Bruce Murdoch

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 08:31 PM

Anonymous GUEST of 23 Jul 04 - 11:01 AM - gutless cause you wouldn't use a handle so we can't PM you - take your cause into a new BS thread - this is a joke thread. If you continue to post in this line in this thread, I will ask that your posts be transferred to a new BS thread for discussion (if anybody else wants to join you) of the political matters you raise.

Some of the jokes we like here are satirical. I suspect you may work for the CIA or some other US Govt Dept (or for the Political Far Right), and are merely trying to suppress independent intelligent discussion of the US Government actions & policy: and that your apparently inept grammar, punctuation and spelling is a ruse to convince us somewhat self-educated folks of your sincerity in that you are a poor uneducated ignorant unsophisticated cretin.

The whole point of the Python Satire is to make precisely the points you have said, which if you are genuine, means that your brain has been trained to not think for yourself, but merely regurgitate the force fed US Govt propaganda line that the end always justifies the means. Unfortunately, for those of us who can think independently, this means that, like the animals in the last chapter of 'Animal Farm' who could see no difference between the men and the pigs in the end, we can see not much difference between the methods of the sides in this alleged "war'.

Keep it up Freda, us Aussies apparently need to show our US "Allies" what the true meaning of 'Free Speech' is.

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 11:20 AM

hi guest

any further discussion should go somewhere else, not on a joke thread, but because you're a guest i can't pm you. no, i don't support suicide bombers, and i care about the young people who are there in the front line.

i have had a lot of experience with interviewing and , yes, interrogating people, including human rights violators, and have worked with interrogators who use a lot of different "techniques" including various non violent forms of coercion.

if you grill someone under pressure, over a long period of time, they will say anything, after a while, whatever you want to hear. But it doesn't mean a thing, and "intelligence" gained through coercion is often a load of crap. coercion is the sign of an inept interviewer, in my opinion, all that person will extract from a subject is their own projected prejudices.

to me, torture is the last method for someone with no understanding of the person they are interviewing - understand the person's language, culture, religion, politics and you will gain so much more.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 11:01 AM

Thats all very fine freida,but if the kid knows where the next suicide bomber is to strike and because you don't want to scare the poor darling or humiliate him,my son dies,then I fail to see the fucking humor in this.
Its a war frieda, in case you hadn't noticed. Its all about killing people and breaking things. When you finally kill enough, it stops.
It's not moral, its not nice ,it's not fair, and it sure as hell is not funny.Try being in one sometime.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 09:02 AM

Thanks boys - here's another one..

By Terry Jones (Monty Pythons' Flying Circus) - appeared in the Guardian a few days ago.

For some time now, I've been trying to find out where my son goes after choir practice. He simply refuses to tell me. He says it's no business of mine where he goes after choir practice and it's a free country. Now it may be a free country, but if people start going just anywhere they like after choir practice, goodness knows whether we'll have a country left to be free. I mean, he might be going to anarchist meetings or Islamic study groups. How do I know?

The thing is, if people don't say where they're going after choir practice, this country is at risk. So I have been applying a certain amount of pressure on my son to tell me where he's going. To begin with I simply put a bag over his head and chained him to a radiator. But did that persuade him? Does the Pope eat kosher?

My wife had the gall to suggest that I might be going a bit too far. So I put a bag over her head and chained her to the radiator. But I still couldn't persuade my son to tell me where he goes after choir practice. I tried starving him, serving him only cold meals and shaving his facial hair off, keeping him in stress positions, not turning his light off, playing loud music outside his cell door - all the usual stuff that any concerned parent will do to find out where their child is going after choir practice. But it was all to no avail.

I hesitated to gravitate to harsher interrogation methods because, after all, he is my son. Then Donald Rumsfeld came to my rescue.

I read in the New York Times last week that a memo had been prepared for the defence secretary on March 6 2003. It laid down the strictest guidelines as to what is and what is not torture. Because, let's face it,none of us want to actually torture our children, in case the police get to hear about it.

The March 6 memo, prepared for Mr Rumsfeld explained that what may look like torture is not really torture at all. It states that: if someone "knows that severe pain will result from his actions, if causing such harm is not his objective, he lacks the requisite specific intent even though the defendant did not act in good faith".

What this means in understandable English is that if a parent, in his anxiety to know where his son goes after choir practice, does something that will cause severe pain to his son, it is only "torture" if the causing of that severe pain is his objective. If his objective is something else - such as finding out where his son goes after choir practice - then it is not torture.

Mr Rumsfeld's memo goes on: "a defendant" (by which he means a concerned parent) "is guilty of torture only if he acts with the express purpose of inflicting severe pain or suffering on a person within his control". Couldn't be clearer. If your intention is to extract information, you cannot be accused of torture. In fact, the report went further. It said, if a parent "has a good-faith belief [that] his actions will not result in prolonged mental harm, he lacks the mental state necessary for his actions to constitute torture". So all you've got to do to avoid accusations of child abuse is to say that you didn't think it would cause any lasting harm to the child. Easy peasy!

I currently have a lot of my son's friends locked up in the garage, and I'm applying electrical charges to their genitals and sexually humiliating them in order to get them to tell me where my son goes after choir practice.

Dick Cheney's counsel, David S Addington, says that's just fine. William J Haynes, the US defence department's general counsel, agrees it's just fine. And so does the US air force general counsel, Mary Walker. In fact, practically everybody in the US administration seems to think it's just fine, except for the state department lawyer, William H Taft IV, who perversely claims that I might be opening the door to people applying electrical charges to my genitals and sexually humiliating me.

So I'm going to round up all the children in the neighbourhood, chain them and set dogs on them. I might accidentally kill one or two - but I won't have intended to - and perhaps I'll take some photos of my wife standing on the dead bodies, and then I'll show the photos to the other kids, and finally, perhaps, I might get to find out where my son goes after choir practice. After all, I'll only be doing what the US administration has been condoning since 9/11.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 04:53 PM

The finalists of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wesley S
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 04:47 PM

Here's a creepy one -


How do you know it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house ?


Because the big hand is on the little hand.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bert
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 12:19 PM

Wonderful Freda.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 10:49 AM

Jaysus, Freda. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 10:43 AM

Outsourcing

Washington DC - Congress today announced that the Office of President Of the United States will be outsourced to overseas interests as of July 30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead. "The cost savings will be quite significant," says Congressman Adam Smith (D -Wash) who, with the aid of the GAO (the General Accounting Office) has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive in the world stage," Congressman Smith said.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his position. He will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks.

Unfortunately, he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required limit.

Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open.

"I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President someday."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 09:22 PM

I think I'm going to need a cultural translation for this one...

Boat for Sale

Thibodeaux was driving his car past Boudreaux's house and saw a Sign that read: "Boat For Sale". Thibodeaux marches up to Boudreaux's
front porch and wraps hard on the door and Boudreaux opens it.

Thibodeaux say, "Boudreaux! How long we ban frands?"

Boudreaux say, "Well... All our lives Thibodeaux."

Thibodeaux say, "Why don't you told me you gotta boat?"

Boudreaux say, "I ant gotta boat!"
Thibodeaux say, "Da' sign say 'BOAT FOR SALE'".

Boudreaux say, "OH-NO Thibodeaux! See dat old '72 Frd pickem'up truck over-dare."

Thibodeaux say, "Yas, I see dat old pickem'up truck."

Boudreaux say, "See dat '76 Cheverloet Ce-dan."

Thibodeaux say, "Yas, I see dat Ce-dan."

Boudreaux say, "Well, dey boat for sale."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 09:19 PM

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end..

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, The prostitutes, the priests, the wise men! , and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch -- only she would know the answer.

The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

Finally, the last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he had to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most notable of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The hour approached, Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight waited him! The most beautiful woman he had never seen lay before him!

The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch?

Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.


Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS:




IF A WOMAN DOESN'T GET HER WAY,

THINGS GET UGLY.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 11:49 AM

"Bloodthirsty Critters"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered
in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the
cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats
smelt the blood and began hassling him about where
he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep
but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and
into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and
all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all cried in an excited frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I sure didn't!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 11:06 AM

An Ethnic Minnesota Joke:

Ole walks into the kitchen and finds Lena sitting at the table sobbing wildly.

"What's the problem?" he asks

She replies, "My brother Lars called to wish me happy birthday."

"So why did that upset you?" he asks.

In response she wails, "He's been arrested."

Ole asks, "What was he charged with?"

"I don't know," she sobs. "He just said he was calling me on his cell phone."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 10:53 AM

At a folk club one night the MC is announcing the list of guests coming to the club in the following weeks. " and next week" he says . "we are to have a tremendous guitarist from the US of A. He has been voted the Best Guitarist in America five times". The audience much impressed at this tell all their friends and next week the hall is packed and over flowing. However the guitarist is terrible and by the time the guitarist has played only two tunes all have left.
The MC is embarrassed and cannot believe what he is seeing and hearing so he picks up the promo sheet and reads it again slowly. It says in a poll of to select the best guitarist in America he got five votes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 08:30 AM

I think what made Mel Walker famous made a loser out of some people on this thread...;-)

Two major roads sat chatting in a bar when a scrawny bit of green asphalt comes in steals their drinks, knocks them back, spits at them both and storms out.

"What's his problem?" asks one shocked major road.

"Don't say anything whatever you do!" says the second, horrified, "That guy's a cycle path..."

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 10:40 AM

"Mirror, Mirror On the Wall...."

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York City
where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special
mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the
truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie,
*POOF* one is instantly swallowed up by the mirror,
never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies
Room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm
the most beautiful woman in the world."

*POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror
and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive!"

*POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Later, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde walks into the
Ladies room, stands before the mirror and says,
"I think...."

*POOF*

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 16 Jul 04 - 01:13 PM

That was a really good one, uncle! Reminds me of how came that the small angels are topping the Xmas tree (somewhere in the threads).

Wilfried

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jul 04 - 12:25 PM

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely
evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted
me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the
druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say
more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now,
just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the
alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be
damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and
car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about
three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got
to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to
open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on
these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing
its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against
the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled
all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels -
the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my
head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger
back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles
on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone
is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer.

And Mister, I TOLD HER!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Jul 04 - 01:49 AM

Why don't they teach donkeys to talk?

Nobody likes a Smart Ass!