BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Juan P-B
Date: 10 Sep 04 - 04:48 PM

There are 10 types of people

Those who understand binary and those who don't

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Juan P-B
Date: 10 Sep 04 - 04:47 PM

There are three types of people - Those who can count and those who can't

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 08:59 PM

Still there Kat ... Arf! Arf! Aroooooooo!

Always scrutinise photos you plan to put up on the web with an intense scrut, as Spike Milligan used to say. I once saw a photo of a shiny kettle for sale on Ebay - the guy was taking the photo in the nude. I have often wondered since whether that was meant as some sort of coded message - maybe he was a terrorist - I was certainly terrified!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 07:11 PM

"Three Travelers"

Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian,
were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The
Russian man put his hand out and reached down into
the clouds.

"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand through
the clouds.

"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.

"I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more days later the American put his hand
through the clouds.

"Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and
the African were amazed.

"How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them
to see. "My watch is missing."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 07:10 PM

Picture, if you will, a mountain high on top of the world
with a sharp cliff that provides an excellent jump to your
death. There are three men standing by this cliff and
remarking at what a long way down it is.

Suddenly, a good fairy appears and says: "Good gentlemen,
I will give you one wish. As you jump off this cliff, call out your
wish, and I will grant you your wish and safe passage to
ground level."

So, the first man, who by the way was Italian, took a running
start and jumped off the cliff. As he plummeted to almost
certain human death, he called out, "An IROC CAMARO with
big fuzzy dice hanging in the window and a gorgeous girl to
go along."

And just as the good fairy promised, he landed safely in
between his new "car" and gorgeous blond girl, where he
proceeded to run from one to the other, not knowing which
one to kiss first.

The second man, being an East Indian by the name of Raj,
saw what happened to the Italian Stallion and ran off the cliff
happily screaming with his distinctive accent: "Riches and fame."

It was a short and simple request, but that was all the English
he could handle while jumping off a cliff. Well, low and behold
as he reaches the bottom safely he is swarmed by dozens of
adoring fans, while a limousine full of money arrives to pick
him up.

Well, the last fellow was a short, stout fellow from a faraway
place (fill in a desired location of ridicule here). The person was
so impressed at how the other two gentlemen had prospered in
life that he gave grave and careful thought to what he would
say as he plummeted off the cliff at break neck speeds. So,
he began to run, and just as he neared the edge of the cliff he
tripped on a stone and fell off the cliff, yelling with disgust:

"Shit!!!"

And thus, he safely landed.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: katlaughing
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 02:30 PM

Not a joke, really, but fun. It may not stay up for long, so check it out NOW: Find the humping dog

It may take a few seconds as there are photos.

Too funny!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 10:26 AM

A friend and I were talking about an acquaintance friend who never seemed to have a sex life; I asked if he was a closet homosexual perhaps, and my friend said no, he just doesn't have sex - he's not homosexual, he's homogenous.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 05:13 AM

Heard it some 30 years ago, with the army. The Boy Scouts have adult leaders. Just the right question to entertain brown bar lieutenants.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 10:54 PM

I've heard it applied to The SCA as well, where they like to dress up in leather & steel and hit each otheer with sticks...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Lighter
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 07:28 PM

When I heard the one about "adult supervision," it compared the Boy Scouts with the U.S.M.C. Maybe 20 years ago. It's also in "Full Metal Jacket" if IRC.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 05:35 PM

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 02:34 AM

A married couple from Alaska decides to flee the cold winter for two weeks and spend some days in Florida. For work reasons the wife can only fly a day later than her husband.

The husband arrives at the hotel, checks in and finds everything ok. He goes to the hotel's internet terminal and sends an email to his wife - unfortunately mistyping the address. Thus the mail never reaches his wife.

A widow in Los Angeles returns from her husband's burial. Expecting some condolence notices, she checks her emails.
While reading the first email, she faints and falls to the floor.
Her son rushes to her and looks at the computer monitor where he reads:

To: my beloved wife
From: your husband far away
Subject: Arrived safely!

I have just arrived and checked in. Everything is well prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I am looking forward to seeing you again! I hope your voyage will be as comfortable as mine was.

PS: it is extremely hot down here!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:42 PM

Why do bagpipers have at least one more IQ point than horses?

So they don't shit during parades.


Well, why do they wear kilts?

Just in case they do.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:33 PM

What's the difference between the Mudcat & the Boy Scouts?

The Boy Scouts have Adult Supervision!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:22 PM

This one turned up in one of the hundred Spa, I receive on a daily basis, and I occassionally preview one at random in Mailwasher. Looks like a new tactic to get people to open the Spam. What was the product? Dunno - didn't look!
~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 04 Sep 04 - 12:53 PM

A rock musician, a blues musician and a jazz musician talk about what they did with last year's income.
The rock musician: "I bought a big house in Miami"
The blues musician: "I bought a cotton farm in Memphis"
The jazz musician: "I bought a woollen sweater at Woolworth, for 49.95!"
The other two: "And what about the rest of the money?"
The jazz musician: "My mum helped me out with it" ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 04 Sep 04 - 11:49 AM

I always thought the bagpipe players walked around to get away from the noise ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 04 Sep 04 - 10:52 AM

Why are bagpipe players always walking around while playing?
Because it is harder to hit a moving target ;-)


A new conductor at the orchestra rehearsal. Again and again he interrupts and let the musicians play from beginning again. After a while, once again interrupted, the first violinist stands up and says: "If you interrupt one more time, we will play exactly as you conduct!" ;-)


What is a saxophonist who can play an alto and a tenor saxophon? He is bisaxual ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 04 Sep 04 - 10:40 AM

Five minutes before the big concert starts, the conductor sees his clarinetist with lots and lots of clarinet pieces, hectically trying to reassemble the instrument.
The conductor asks: do you think it is a good moment for taking the instrument apart? Only five minutes to go!

The clarinetist looks up and says: "I didn't take it apart, it was the viola player!"

Conductor goes to the viola player: "Why did you do that?"

Viola player: "For revenge! The clarinetist put one of my viola strings out of tune!"

Conductor: "But that is no reason to take the clarinet apart completely!"

Viola player: "I only did it when the clarinetist didn't tell me WHICH string ..."

;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Sep 04 - 06:49 PM

The following is a real ad from a newspaper which
appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly
trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing
machine for sale. Phone [phone] after 7 P.M. and
ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine
for sale cheap. Phone [phone] and ask for Mrs. Kelly,
who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of
the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The
ad stands correct as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has
one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone [phone]
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY : I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with
Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper
but she quit!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 03 Sep 04 - 03:49 AM

A story my bus driver told me yesterday during a break:

His mother-in-law told the family proudly: "I've lost two kilograms of weight!"
His daughter asked: "How did you do it, grandma? Did you shave your legs?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Sep 04 - 08:11 PM

"Memory Test"

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times
three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn.
What is three times three?"

"Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's
three times three?"

"Nine", says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from
Tuesday."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Sep 04 - 12:21 PM

For the same reason we drive on parkways and park on driveways, eat jumbo shrimp, and download updates.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 02 Sep 04 - 11:32 AM

People who ride bikes are called cyclists but people who ride motorcycles are called bikers. Why?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Sep 04 - 10:54 AM

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are four religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters d.Catholics don't recognize any of the above.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Sep 04 - 02:40 AM

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, gobbling one candy bar after another.
   After the fifth one, an elderly man on the bench across from him said, "Son, don't you know eating all that candy isn't good for you? It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
   Little Johnny replied, "You know, mister, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
   "Oh?" replied the man. "And did your grandfather eat five candy bars at a time?"
   "No" replied Little Johnny, "but he minded his own f**kin' business."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: HuwG
Date: 01 Sep 04 - 10:11 PM

An executive is at work in an office. Something urgent crops up, and he realises that he will have to work late. Being a considerate sort, he telephones home to let his wife know that he will be late. A little boy answers the telephone, "Yeth ?"

"Hello, son. Where's your mommy ?"

"She'th upthtairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

The man thinks to himself, "The bitch!". Then he recovers and says, "OK son, I want you to do me a favour. I want you to go to the foot of the stairs and shout, 'Daddy's home', as loud as you can. Then come back to the phone and tell me what happened."

There is a clunk on the line as the receiver is put down, and some vague noises off. Then the little boy picks up the receiver again. "I did what you thaid, and Mummy thtarted thcreaming, and Uncle Fred jumped out of the bedroom window without any clothes on, and landed in the thwimming pool."

"Well done, son. Hang on ! Swimming pool ? I haven't got a swimming pool ! Is that Hadfield 43278 ... ?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Sep 04 - 09:29 PM

OUCH!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Sep 04 - 09:02 PM

"I Can Catch Him"


John, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells John, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to John, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

John keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and John runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

John does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Pepto Dismal
Date: 31 Aug 04 - 03:04 PM

A Senator's Choice: Heaven Or Hell

While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem to address. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance he sees a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening attire.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the doors reopen on heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Aug 04 - 02:14 PM

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and suprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something....!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl)

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know....I haven't had a cold all winter."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:53 PM

"The Indian and Coffee"

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
and leading a bull in the other. He says to the waiter,
"Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the
Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in
one gulp, grabs the bull, blasts it with the shotgun, then
walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in
one hand And leading another bull in the other. He walks
up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from
the last time you were in here. What the heck was all that
about, anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Management
job. Drink coffee, shoot the bull, and disappear for a few days."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:52 PM

"The Pretzel Hold"

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the
wrestling event.

It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American
for the gold medal. Before the final match, the
American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says,
"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of this
"pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him
get you in this hold. If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match . . . the American and the Russian
circle each other several times looking for an opening.
All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing
the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd,
and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows
all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly, there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd,
and the trainer raises his eyes just in time to see the
Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits
the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses
on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded. When he finally gets the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that
hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when
he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened
my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.
I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of
strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just
as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get
when you bite your own nuts!"

----------

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 12:54 PM

In the mess the officers are discussing the question whether sexual intercourse involves more work or more fun.
The old staff officers vote unanimously for 80% hard work and 20% fun.
The captains are for 50% work and 50% fun.
The young lieutenats are for 20% work and 80% fun.

So they decide to ask an orderly. The orderly says: "No work, all 100% fun."
Asked why? he answers: "If there was a little bit of work in it, we enlisted men would have to do it.

And nr 111 again.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Walrus
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 11:51 AM

Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere:

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?". The pigmy said "Yes."

The hunter asked "How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?" said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied: "There's about 90 of us.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 02:05 AM

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a deceased man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held way back in the country and the young preacher got a flat tire on the way there and found out his spare was also flat. It took a while to catch a ride to the nearest service station to repair the tire and get back to the car.
   In the meantime, he had forgotten most of the directions to the burial site. He drove around for a while looking for it till he spotted it across a field. Arriving an hour and a half late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight--tired of waiting and long gone probably. The two diggers were off to the side, eating lunch.
   The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place. Wasting no further time, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service.
   Walking back to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his mishap and resultant tardiness.
   As he got into his car, he overheard one of the diggers talking to the other... "I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years, and I ain't never seen anything like that before."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 01:46 AM

What about a clean linguistic one?

A class from the Bronx is visiting the zoo. In the birdhouse little Paddy cries out: "Oh, look, the boidies!"
The teacher: "Oh no, Patrick, they are not boidies - they are birdies."
Paddy: "But they choip like boidies!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Aug 04 - 07:43 PM

there was tour being given in a rubber products factory.

The guide pointed at a machine that was going "thump-whoosh, thump-whoosh, thump-whoosh"
"This machine makes rubber baby-bottle nipples", said the guide.
"What is that strange sound?", asked a tourist.
"Well, the 'thump' is the locking of the mandril around which the nipple is formed, and the 'whoosh' is a set of needles on a spindle firing up to poke the holes in the tip of the nipple."

so, they go on and come to a machine going "thump, thump, thump, thump...whoosh"

"This machine makes condoms." said the guide.

"The sound is different", says the tourist

"Yes, the 'thump' is the locking of the mandril where the machine recieves warm latex which is then cooled quickly to form the condom."

"But...there's a 'whoosh' here too sometimes..." wonders the tourist.

"Well, every fifth one, a set of needles pops up and pokes holes in the tip."...admits the guide.

"Oh! I'd think that would be bad for the condom business!"

"Yes...but it sure is good for the nipple business!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Aug 04 - 07:27 PM

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From
there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Aug 04 - 01:30 PM

I saw an update, where the dyslexic agnostic paranoid schizophrenic insomniac lies awake wondering if a dog is out to get him...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: fogie
Date: 13 Aug 04 - 12:57 PM

2 T-shirts seen at Sidmouth-
B A T = bigots against tolerance (We don't stand for much!)
What if the Okey kokey is what it's all about?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: belter
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 05:51 PM

A little boy and a little girl are naked. The litle girl noticing the boy's penis askes, "Can I tuch it?". The boy says "I don't think so, you already broke yours off."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 10:45 AM

Did you here about the man who's an Agnostic, Dyslexic Insomniac - lieing in bed all night wondering if there's a dog?

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers who sold their souls to Santa?

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 10:15 AM

hi ted - still ten to go and you'll get the Nelson!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: el ted
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 03:46 AM

100. It's mine!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: el ted
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 03:46 AM

99

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Naemanson
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 12:57 AM

I read the following in the Palauan newspaper:

An out islander comes to Palau for the first time in his life. His grandson takes him to a baseball game, something he has never seen before. As the game progresses the grandson explains the rules to the old man. He really starts to enjoy himself and loves to yell encouragement to the runners. When one of the batters drops his bat and starts to walk to first base the old man shouts at him to run. The grandson explains that the man is walking because he has had four balls. At that point the old man shouts, "Walk proudly, son, walk proudly!"

Another old man coming in from the remote area story:

The old farmer had been working his farm in the remote corner of Maine all his life. He'd always been a subsistance farmer, making or growing all his food, clothing, and tools. Finally he comes into the city and wanders into a supermarket.

The first thing he sees is a pile of boxes labled "Pwdered Milk". He sees with great joy that all you have to do is add water. He imagines life without the milk cows. No more rising at dawn to feed, no more milking twice a day, no more mucking out the barn. He wanders on and sees a display of powdered eggs. He imagines no longer keeping hens, no more collecting eggs, no more defending them from predators, no more feeding and repairing the coop. But then he sees the display of baby powder and realizes that the old ways are indeed the best.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,freda
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 12:25 AM

a woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon
a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if
she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry
three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish
genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love
Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about
world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be
reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands
of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for
five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't
think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never
been able to find the right man. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that map again."

 

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 11 Aug 04 - 09:55 PM

And the Mongol hoards.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Aug 04 - 09:43 PM

Jesus Saves.

The Devil Invests.