BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 04:19 PM

We only had two tin cans and a bit of string. It was a real hassle for us kids when dad wanted to talk to the store in town to order something, as we would have to walk there with the can, keep the string taut, and then walk back with the can when dad had finished.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: beadie
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 03:20 PM

Uncle Dave:    (sorry about the premature exclamation above)

. . . . ?? Yor telephone had a dialing mechanism ??!

Ours had a crank that you used to ring the operator and ask her (always a her) for the number you wanted to speak to. Unless, of course, you wanted someone on the party line. Then you would have to crank the appropriate ringer combination (eg. 1 long and 3 short for Mr. Olson down the road).

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: beadie
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 03:11 PM

Uncle Dave:

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 02:27 PM

Uncle DaveO: Are you my long-lost twin? If not, how did you live my life?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 04:51 PM

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

   "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

   By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

   Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably fifty pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was eleven, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of
fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was thirteen before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

   We didn't have a car until I was fifteen. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

   I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

   Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

   All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost seven cents a paper, of which I got to keep two cents. I had to get up at 4:00 a.m. every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the forty-two cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me fifty cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:05 PM

That is VERY funny. Tears over that one, Sooz. Thank you. I'm still laughing about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Sooz
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 10:14 AM

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car
break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On
regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at
her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 06:48 PM

Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking at the Bingo Hall:

Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you, dear. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvellous dinner: lobster. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then when we came back to my apartment, he turns into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No. I'm just warning you to wear an old dress."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 09:58 AM

Hassan, an Iraqi soccer player has recently been signed up by Liverpool Football Club. At the first match, Hassan is on the bench, watching his team getting thrashed by a rival 2-0. 30 minutes from the end, the manager says "Hassan, you go on lad, see if you can turn the match". Hassan goes on, plays a blinder, scores 3 goals and Liverpool win. The crowd goes bonkers - Hassan is the hero of the hour. Photographers scuffle in front of him, kids thrust their autograph books at him, girls of all ages throw him bits of paper with their telephone number, the manager pats him on the back and offers him a raise on the spot. When he finds a little time to himself, Hassan calls his mum at home:

"Mum, I played a blinder today, scored three, we won, I am a hero, everybody loves me, I'm so happy!"

"Glad to hear YOU are happy, son, because I had a hell of a day. Your Dad has been shot at in the street, your brother joined a looting gang and your sister is on the game, I think."

"Oh, Mum, I am so sorry - I didn't know..."

"Too right you should be sorry! After all it's YOUR fault we moved to Liverpool!"

Boom-boom...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 09:11 AM

During WWII - when the bombing of Berlin grew heavy - the children were evacuated to the South. A Lutheran boy was placed into a Bavarian nunnery, the nuns real darlings to the children.
One day a nun asked: "And now, what is this? It is brown, has a bushy tail, and jumps from branch to branch?"
The boy: "At home I would say it's a squirrel. But knowing this shop already I would say, it's Sweet Little Jesus again."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 19 Oct 04 - 05:58 PM

'Minds me of a story they tell about Willie Feeley when he was a young fella. Willie was bashful, awful bashful. Well, one day he takes a heifer over to Graves' bull. Ever'body was out but Elsie Graves, and Elsie wasn't bashful at all. Willie, he stood there turnin' red an' he couldn' even talk. Elsie said, "I know what you come for; the bull's out in back a the barn." Well, they took the heifer out there an' Willie an' Elsie sat on the fence to watch. Purty soon Willie got feelin' purty fly. Elsie looks over an' says, like she don't know, "What's a matter, Willie?" Willie's so randy he can't hardly set still. "By God," he says, "by God, I wisht I was a doin' that!" Elsie says, "Why not, Willie? It's your heifer."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 19 Oct 04 - 11:00 AM

Freda, go here ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 19 Oct 04 - 10:54 AM

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom ! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this ?"
pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful ? I was walking through Darlinghurst Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 15 Oct 04 - 05:31 PM

Football analysis by a blonde...

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Oct 04 - 01:23 PM

I saw this cartoon years ago in an issue of 'Easy Rider' magazine
Picture two bikers puttin' down the road on their Harleys. One has a little tiny head. The other says, "Bro, you really gotta get your ol' lady to lay off the Preparation H."

Another joke about a "diminutive dome."

A guy's sitting at a bar. Another dude takes the stool next to him. This dude has this really small head, which the first guy notices right off. He keeps checking this dude out, but doesn't want to say anything, for fear of offending him. Finally, his curiosity gets the better of him. He says, "Yo, dude, I gotta ask, why is your head so friggin' small?" The dude says, "Well, it's like this. I found this old rusty lamp half burried in the sand. I dug it out, rubbed it off, and out pops this drop-dead gorgeous female genie. She gave me three wishes in return for freeing her. So, first I wished for a fully loaded Bently. I always wanted one of them. Poof - there I am sittin' in the driver's seat of a brand-new top-of-the-line Bently. Then I wished for $100 million. Poof - I'm surrounded by rows and rows of neatly stacked bills. Then I got to thinkin', what more could I possibly want or need that I couldn't buy with all this money. Now, this genie was fine, I'm tellin' ya. Stone fox. Really turned me on just lookin' at her. So, while I was tryin' to think of what else to wish for, I said, 'How 'bout a little head?' Poof ... ... ..."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Oct 04 - 11:44 AM

Oops! My bad. I left out the word "blonde" in the first line. No, I'm NOT blonde!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Oct 04 - 11:42 AM

Blonde Jokes:

A young in her third year as a college freshman. Her history prof says to her, "Young lady, what can you tell us about Roe vs. Wade?" With a knowing expression on her face, she says,"That was the choice George Washington had to make when he crossed the Delaware."

Same blonde in the OB/GYN exam room. The doc says "I've got some good news. You're pregnant. Congratulations!" With a doubtful expression on her face, she said: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Again, the same blonde on a flight to London, in coach class. She gets up and goes to first class, finds a seat and takes it. A flight attendant says, "Miss, you'll have to return to coach. These seats are for passengers who have paid the proper fare." She says, indignatnly, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London." She wouldn't budge. One by one, the entire flight crew tries unsuccessfully to get her to move back to coach, always eliciting the same response, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London." The Captain is summoned. He asks the attendants what the problem is. He says, "I'll handle this. I know just what to do. My wife is blonde." He bends down and whispers something in the blonde's ear. She abruptly gets up and goes back to coach, not saying a word. The attendants are amazed. "What in the world did you say to get her to move, captain?" He says, "I just told her that first class wasn't going to London."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,peedeecee
Date: 14 Oct 04 - 07:16 PM

That site was beyond sick, Donuel. I'm surprised you posted it.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Donuel
Date: 14 Oct 04 - 04:37 PM

Filthy, sick, demented, jokes that are licentious and vile
but may make you smile

do not click on Frog in a blender its too predictable

http://www.amazingj.com/sick.html

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Oct 04 - 05:29 AM

From the thread list Page


Bush-Better On Terrorism?
Second Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Oct 04 - 05:10 AM

Bad Joke for Today ---


Johnny Howard got elected again.



Bad Joke for Tomorrow ---



Bush will be too...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 14 Oct 04 - 04:06 AM

Don't worry Wilfried, I told it correctly (using "choip") - I've been practising my "poiple coitains" and "moida in da foist degwee" accent for ages.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 11:19 PM

BillD:

Thanks. Loved them. Saw the Dr Ruth joke as a Dear Abby joke before computers were the thing we wrote with. Nice to be reminded, and you pulled it off. Made my day.

Bruce M

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bert
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 10:12 PM

Only one person laughed. What is wrong with them??!...

They had heard it way back in the Fifties.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Juan P-B
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 05:10 PM

Wilfried! I agree with Kate - I have told the 'boids' joke to anyone who'll listen - Great Stuff

How About.........

Guy is told by his doctor that he only has 12 hours to live so he decides to have one last helluva party.

Calls up all of his pals and they go out on the town - Bars, Clubs, Drinking dens, you name it they partied!

About 2.00Am one of them says to the guy "I'm worn out. I'm off home to bed"

The guy replies "Hey! It's my last night on this earth - Stay and party"

His pals look at one another and say "It's OK for you! You don't gotta get up for work in the morning"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 02:55 PM

Kate - on second thought: maybe you told the joke wrong?
You wrote: they chirp like boidies, but it is: they choip like boidies!
Otherwise le jocque est perdu (you see, I'm training for Niort9)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 10:25 AM

one more from the secret stash for today:
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dr. Ruth,


I am writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have married a sex maniac. For the past 12 years he makes love to me regardless of what I am doing. I can be ironing, cooking, cleaning, sweeping, cleaning the cat box, etc.

He just comes right at me and won't be dissuaded for any reason. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth3/ o,, fjsl; (o ------ .lp sld mpskdlli dlks, a;ld:;' . . . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 10:18 AM

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 10:13 AM

There was this Irishman in New York who went into a building site and asked for a job.

"All right now," says the foreman, "we'll have to test your knowledge of building structures. Can you tell me the difference between a girder and a joist?"

"Ah,that's a tricky one...wait...I know~! Girder was a German poet, and Joist was an Irish novelist!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 10:04 AM

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:

"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:

"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to CRY about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:

"Will you LOOK at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:

"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:

"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:

"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 09:56 AM

Velcome to Verizon

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off.
He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck da party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "Vat do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!"
And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
"Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?"
He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28.
Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago. I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
"Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 09:52 AM

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live.

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There, he saw his son who had been waiting.

O'Malley said, "Well, son. We Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head down to the pub and have a few pints. After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his riends, "I've got AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said you were dying from cancer! You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 09:49 AM

Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first woman.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman.

"You get the shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. "The second woman shakes her head.

"That's so ironic," she says. "What do you mean?" asks the first woman. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 04:52 AM

Kate - nice to read your praise.
What is wrong with them??! - May be you and me are insightful linguists, and others are far from it.
Next year in France?

Cheers
Wilfried

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 03:17 AM

Wilfried - I laughed out loud at your "chirp like boidies" joke - it was the funniest thing I'd heard in ages. I told it to everyone I know. Only one person laughed. What is wrong with them??!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 12:47 AM

A love story

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound
coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming
sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents
and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this
time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the couch.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked.

He replied, "Watching football with my son-in-law.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 09:17 AM

ROFLMAOWTIME...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 07:29 AM

A LIVERPOOL LOVE STORY
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 06:19 AM

Miriam, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Finchley in north west London.

She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish? (understand Yiddish)" The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay (I understand)."

Miriam then says, "Vot Time is It?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 10:33 AM

Count Dracula is out on the pull in Dublin.

He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading home, walking along Grafton Street, sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head.

He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll.

Mmmmmm, he thinks, what's going on here?

A few yards further and.... Bang. Smacked on the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing.

Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!

A few yards further along the street and... crash! Smacked on the back of the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing. He's getting really angry now.

Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a sudden tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can.

He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.

On the ground, dying, he looks up and sees a young female.

With his dying breath, he gasps: "Who the hell are you?"

The girl smiles: "My name is Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Sep 04 - 09:47 AM

... as someone here discovered the hard way - you should never argue with a fool - at best you end up with two fools arguing.... m:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 19 Sep 04 - 05:36 AM

Apache tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding Foolestroupe, the ONLY strategy is to dismount!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Sep 04 - 03:50 AM

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount.


Corporate alternatives include, but are not limited to:


1. Buy a stronger whip.

2. Change riders.

3. Say things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."

4. Appoint a committee to study the horse.

5. Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increase the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appoint a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Create a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Compare the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements, declaring that "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declare that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a Case Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say that this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 18 Sep 04 - 06:59 PM

(I got this in German, I hope the translation is ok)

George W. Bush has a heart attack and he dies.
He comes straight into hell where the devil is expecting him already.
Says the Devil: "I don't know what to do - you are on my list, but there is no free room.". He thinks for a while and then says:
"Ok, that's what I will do: I have three lesser sinners - I will let you choose which one of these will go free so you can take his room!".

George thinks: "Sounds good"

First room, Devil opens the door. Ronald Reagan can be seen in a huge swimming pool, diving in, getting out, diving in again ...
George says "No, I do not really like swimming."

Second room, Devil opens the door. Inside is Richard Nixon, knocking rocks with a big hammer.
George says: "No, I do not like physical work."

Third room. As the Devil opens the door, George can see Bill Clinton, with hands and feet tied to the bedposts. On him is Monica Lewinsky doing for what she got well known.

George can't believe what he sees.
He says to the Devil: "That will be my room!".

Says the Devil into the room: "Good news for you! You are free, you can go, Monica!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 02:08 PM

oops,That's "the division's Chief Petty Officer"..

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 01:46 PM

I arrived on Guam, with orders to a tender that usually sat tied up in the harbor there. The divions Chief Petty Officer took me around for orientation. He pointed out a large barrel setting a few yards away on the pier. "Now we all realize", he said, "that we suffer from a severe lack of women around here. So, on any day except Thursday, you can go out there and stick it in a hole you'll find in the side of that barrel". "But", I asked, "why not on Thursday?"
       "Because that's your day in the barrel".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wesley S
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 10:33 AM

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,peedeecee
Date: 16 Sep 04 - 04:32 PM

A joke too good to keep...

A business man got on an elevator: When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, Its' Thursday.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Sep 04 - 09:28 PM

BFG - the third type of people DO count...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 10 Sep 04 - 09:18 PM

Kat, thanks for the dog link. LOL