BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Apr 20 - 04:06 AM

Prefer the "next week" version - it's like my "are you in a hurry?" story 15 Apr 20 - 10:15 AM

A young nun was woken up one night by an ethereal voice saying "This is The Virgin Mary - there's a man climbing over the Convent wall"
She gets out of bed, looks out of the window and can see nothing amiss, no she goes back to sleep
A little lter the voice comes again, "This is the Vigin Mary, there's a man creeping across the grounds and heading for the chapel"
She gets out of bed, creeps downstairs, opens the front door and looks around - nothing, so she goes back to bed
Half an hour later, the somewhat distraught voice comes again,"This is Mary, the bastard's in the chapel"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 05:58 PM

Variant: "ach, there's no hurry, it's not till next week!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 05:55 PM

Just circling around Rallujin for a while longer, and specifically Nuns, there was once a Convent somewhere on the West coast of Ireland in which one of the older ladies had an inconvenient tendency to tell jokes of an unexpected nature. Some of the other Nuns raised the matter with the Mother Superior, who advised them,
"The next time Sister Veronica comes out with any of that kind of nonsense, just you all get up immediately and leave the room. She'll soon learn sense."
It wasn't long before Sister V came into the Refectory, or whatever, saying loudly,
"Girls, did yeez hear about the Navy Squadron coming into the harbour... Ach, come on away outa that! It's only a joke!"

ABCD

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 01:23 PM

A mother bought her little boy a tortoise - by the end of the day he hands it to her crying, telling her "Its broken"
She examines it and finds that all four of it's legs are haning loose
She returns it to the pet shop - reluctantly the owner agrees to replace it, admitting it might have been in its shell d he hadn't noticed the problem
By the end of the day the lad repeats the performance, saying "It's broken again"
Again she takes the animal back next morning; this time the pet shop owner objects, demanding he be allowed to accompany her home and observe what the lad does fro somewhere they can't be seen
They return, she hands the lad the tortoise and they watch from the slightly ajar door
The lad sits on the floor, puts the animal down and waits for it to emerge from its shell
When it does, he picks it up and scrapes it across the floor, shouting "Vroom, vroom"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 11:15 AM

More on Alfred's struggles with the Vikings.

As the tide began to turn in Alfred's favour, the Viking decided to fortify the defences around their encampment. The Viking warriors made trip after trip up ladders, carrying bricks to build up the walls. One warrior had been badly injured in battle and had lost his sight. He had been assigned the job of taking food out to the construction site and collecting up the dirty dishes. Looking for something to carry them in, he felt around and found a box full of bricks. He emptied them out filled it up with the dishes and then realised he could pour in a bucket of water and use it to do the washing up. Which just goes to show that a hod's as good as a sink to a blind Norse.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 10:47 AM

Indeed, Penguins do not do these things.
But then, I only wrote that the joke would be "as funny". Or not.
I also wrote a number of other things. Curious that these should appear insignificant.


In addition to "what's small, blue, and completely motionless", does anyone remember what is black with red wheels?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 10:45 AM

At the height of Leopold's Congo Enterprises a powerful tribal Chief decided to increase his fortune By selling his people out to the rubber companies - history has recorded the consequences
As a result, the chief became so rich he had money money than he knew what to do with
He decided to knock down his grass hut and replace it with a two storey grass palace - an incredibly opulent affair, so much so that he decided his old throne looked too shoddy, so he replaced it with a jewel-encrusted ivory one
Being a very mean man, he decided that, rather than discard the old throne, he would stow it in the largely unused upper floor
This worked out fine until, one windy day the palace was shaken so badly that the upper floor collapsed and the old throne hurtled down, crushing the chief to a pulp along with the new one he was sitting on

The moral of this tale is, 'People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones'
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 10:19 AM

"When it's ajar."
As we used to respond in my miss-spent youth - piss in it and drink to my health
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 10:07 AM

Penguins don't bruise, sorry, and don't go into elevators (not usually).

When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 10:01 AM

King Alfred is being chased through the woods by the Vikings when he comes upon a peasant's hut in a small clearing. He asks the woman to give him shelter. She tells him that she is in the middle of baking scones but agrees to take him in, if he watches the scones to make sure they don't burn while she goes out to collect more firewood.

Exit old woman:- room warm; Alfred tired; Alfred falls asleep.

Now, contrary to popular belief, the scones were not burnt when he woke up. In fact, the fire was almost out. He quickly put some more wood on the fire and tried to bend down to blow the embers and rekindle the fire, but found that it was impossible while wearing his armour. He looked around and saw a pair of bellows in the corner. He started pumping for all he was worth and soon had a roaring fire in the hearth. The flames were so big that they set fire to the chimney which, in turn, set fire to the thatched roof.

Result:- hut left in smoking ruins; scones burnt to a cinder.

Which gave rise to the saying; "People in brass trousers shouldn't blow scones".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 08:38 AM

Another nun joke. May be a bit racy for some:

Two nuns saw a bin of cucumbers at the grocery marked "3 for $2". One of them remarked "Oh well, we can always eat the third one."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 08:27 AM

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walked into a bar
"Is this a joke?", asked the barman
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 05:01 AM

Like it
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 04:46 AM

Once upon a Friday, in summer and in Donegal, a Priest asked two young brothers -children only - what they had for dinner that day. Or rather, he asked them if they had eaten meat. The elder turned to the younger and giggled, "The silly oul' f****r thinks it's Christmas Day".

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 04:07 AM

one of my favourite religious jokes was told regularly by singer, Joe Heaney

A Protestant married a Catholic girl on the understanding that he would take up her religion - they were married in church
One Friday, shortly after the wedding, the priest was cycling pat their cottage whe he caught the smell of frying meat
drifting through the window - he propped up his bike and walked into the house, to find the man tucking into a large steak
He reminded him of his promise, which forbade him eating meat on a Friday
"But I only eat meat father, up to now that's never been a problem"
"Well, replied the priest, "Whenever you feel the urge for meat on a Friday in future you must only eat fish; try repeating "I'm a Catholic, I'm a Catholic"
I'll try father
A few Fridays after he was passing the house again when he caught the same smell - frying meat again
He stormed through the door to find the man in front of a steak saying, "You're a fish, you're a fish"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 03:47 AM

So do I...

Oh, and I try to avoid being serious much of the time ('specially when reading jokes)

So, years ago, as part of a Road Safety session at School, two related questions came up immediately after the one about "What's black and white and black and white...", the expected answer being, naturally, a "Zebra Crossing", though no doubt ideas of propelling Nuns down the stairs occurred to not a few. An aunt of mine said, "They should have been felled in every corner they were met in." Anyway, the two following questions were,
"1. What is green and yellow, and turns red at the flick of a switch?
2. What is green and yellow, turns red at the flick of a switch, and whistles?"

Nobody expecting the obvious answers, concerning types of Traffic-Lights, expected:

A parrot in a blender/liquidiser.
A parrot in a blender, pretending it disnae care.

ABCD, who has never tried to read a broadsheet newspaper, let alone in a lift/elevator.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 03:12 AM

"nun"
I've been a fan of joke-telling most of my life; it was reading Gershon Legman's two large analytical works under the title 'The Rationale of The Dirty Joke' (particularly volume two, 'No Laughing Matter' (The 'Dirty' Dirty Joke) which woke me up to the serious side of it
Legman was a strag=nge feller - his views of homosexuality as a 'hate-causing sickness' are downright offensive, mut a great deal of what he had to say is still well worth reading
It takes the subject far above the 'misogyny' stage to a much more complicated level

I come from an ex-Catholic, Irish background - my father was excommunicated for 'fighting on the losing side in the wrong war' in 1936'
He left Liverpool Collegiate having been an altar boy and returned from eing a prisone in Spain after having undergone irregular 'mock executions' which were officiated over by a priest who gave him the last rites before he was placed before a firing squad who went through the motions of execution before collapsing with laughter, joined by the priest, and left on the exercise yard soaked in his own piss
The fact that these were irregular make them worse in their unexpected nature

Woks like 'Ballad of a Raggy Boy' and the Magdalene Sisters show that behavior such as this didn't just happen 'out foreign' or in wartime; comparatively recent revelations that has damaged religion so much, probably irreparably, has shown how deep such behaviour went and for how long

My dad was a joke and humourous story teller (in the case of his very personal 'navvy stories' to 'masterpiece level) but he never mantioned priests and nuns - he always invited the visitor donation-collecting priest in to argue with him, but that was it
I think Legman's point that these jokes went far beyond the 'misogyny' stage and in many, fulfilled a deep, psychological need in some people

God - I hate being serious before breakfast
Jim
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 02:27 AM

Anyone know what's small, blue, and absolutely still?
The answer involves a plastic bag.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 27 Apr 20 - 02:26 AM

I read those two jokes about Nuns with a degree of concern.

It's not only the fact that each involves harm coming to the Nun, but that one involves a weapon being fatally employed in this harming.

It's not only the contemporary reality that violence against women is usually decried immediately, such as certain other actions or attitudes which, not long ago, were commonplace. Racism and racist attitudes immediately come to mind.

It's not only that postings about song-lyrics containing words or attitudes which are now routinely denounced as intolerable inevitably lead to the kind of exchanges of views which have become so familiar that, well, I'd expected something similar here.

No, the principal concern was that both these jokes would have worked just as well, been just as funny, had the victims been penguins.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Apr 20 - 06:37 PM

Georgiansilver's story recalls
Witchs Money
Written in 1940 when we were just climbing out of the Great Depression, it must have packed quite a wallop at the time. It is still very funny IMO.

One might also mention the partners in a country tavern in old-time Russia who drove to town & started back with a barrel of vodka for their business. Strictly business, they warned each other. But the way was long and the night was cold, and one said to the other, "Here is a kopek. Sell me a shot out of your half of the barrel." Well, business is business -- he can't refuse a paying customer. So now *he* has a kopek in his pocket, and -- you get the idea. By the time the horses find their way home, the partners have agreed that business has never been better.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Apr 20 - 05:42 PM

Wasn't there a similar camel joke about leading it to water?

What goes black&white, black&white, black&white, and then turns purple?

A nun falling down the stairs.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 26 Apr 20 - 08:39 AM

A British platoon is stranded in the Western Desert during W.W.2.
Running out of food, they draw lots and send one of their number off into the wilderness to see if he can find any
After a day he returns saying, "I've got good news and I've got bad news"
"What's the bad ?" he is asked
"There's only camel shit to eat"
"What's the good?"
"There's plenty of it"

Similarly
Two Tommies drinking in a Cairo bar find they have missed the transport back to base so they hire a camel
They clamber on its back and give it a flick with a stick - it refuses to move
After several tries and failures they clamber down and seek out the owner for advice -
They re handed two blocks of wood and instructed, "Walk around to the back of the creature and you will find his balls sticking out behind him; take the blocks and clap them together on his balls"
One of the lads winces and says, "Won't that hurt?"
"Only if you trap your fingers" he is told
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Apr 20 - 12:36 PM

It is a slow day in Clear Lake, Iowa and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.
The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.......
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
*And that, my friends is how an Economic Stimulus package works!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Apr 20 - 03:01 PM

Another monk story
A new man joined a chapter which only allowed speaking once every six months A couple of weeks later, on the first of the month, a monk stood up and said,"There's not enough salt in the porridge"
Six months later another stood up and said "There's too much salt in the porridge"
Six months after that the new man stood up and said, "I'm pissied off with all this arguing - I'm going home"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Apr 20 - 02:31 PM

I sat watching a video one night when I was with my ex wife. She was baking in the kitchen. I started to shout... 'No No don't do it, it's a trap'!!!! She shouted 'What are you watching'?......... I replied 'Oh just our wedding video'

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Apr 20 - 08:17 AM

What is black and white and red all over and can't turn around in the elevator?

A nun with a spear through her head.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Apr 20 - 03:20 AM

A young seminarian about to become a priest is walking around the extensive ground of the seminary; as he climbs a stile, he slips and falls face down in the mud
He looks down at hi ruined clothes and says, "Fuck!", thinks about it and says, "Shit, I said fuck", then "Fuck, I said shit" and finally "Bollocks, I didn't want to be a priest anyway"   

Similarly
A young monk joins a chapter that has taken a vow of silence - they are allowed only to chant "Good morning", each morning and "good evening" each evening
After the first week he has been driven demented by the monotony so on the following Monday he decides to ring the changes; as everybody chants "Good morning", he sings out "Good evening"
There is a horrified silence, then a small voice from the back of the hall sings out "Some cunt chanted evening"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Apr 20 - 06:34 PM

A young sailor comes home on leave. At breakfast, he asks his mother to pass the goddamn butter. He is terribly embarrassed, and doesn't say another word. Afterward, his mother takes him aside and says "Your father and I understand -- everybody knows how sailor talk." He answers "I know, I know, it's just that I'm afraid that as soon as I open my mouth I'll fuck up again."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Apr 20 - 01:02 PM

A seedy travelling circus had only one thing going for it, a magnificent caged gorrilla which terrifir=ed the customers by beating its chest roaring loudly ans swinging around the cage - the locals used to queue to see it wharever it went
One morning the keeper came to feed him to find him hunched in the of the cage refusing to eat, or even move
The owner, in a panic, sent for the nearest vet, who came and examined the pathetic creature
"Well" he said, "there appears to be nothing physically wrong with him; I suspect he's suffering from the lack of a mate
The owner is beside himself with worry but is struck by an idea - he sends to the nearest town to see if he can hire a gorilla suit and find somebody down on his luck enough to to go in the cage and pretend to be a female gorilla
The gofer, after a long gap, returns with both
The owner explains the job and makes him an offer he can't refuse, promising so have men standing by with nets and equipment to keep him from harm should anything go wrong
Reluctantly, tha man enters the cage - at first the beat inores him, then slowly comes over and sniffs he, feels him up and places a huge arm around his disguised shoulders
The man stand stock still at first, then begins to scream, "take it off, take it off"
The team leap into the cage and begin to fend the animal off
"No, no", says the man, "take the head off - I want to give it a kiss"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Apr 20 - 10:21 AM

A 6 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are raking the yard early one morning. The 6 year old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' in it and you're gonna say something with 'ass'." The 4 year old enthusiastically agrees.

After a while, their mother calls them in for breakfast. She walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell, Mom," he replies, "I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

Mom reaches across the table and smacks him up beside the head. He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your sweet ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Apr 20 - 09:09 AM

Another from same place
Jim
THE LION TAMER, Bob Cann South Tawton, Devon, England
There was this farmworker, you see, out on Dartmoor. He had seven kids, poor sod. Just down the road was another bloke; he had seven kids. The only difference between the two, the bloke down the road was on the dole, the social security, and he was picking up more money than this poor sod working on the farm.
So one day he thought to himself, "If I had the sack, I should be better off."
So when he went to work Monday morning the farmer set him out in the field spreading heaps of dung and he went to sleep beside hayrick. This went on with three or four days, you see. So one afternoon the farmer thought he would go and see how he was getting on. When he gets out to the other one, a heap of dung had been spread and he found him asleep. So he kick him in the boots and woke him up and told him to come in and get his cards. So he
went in and got his cards.
But the trouble was, you see, the next day he had to go to the labour exchange to sign on. And on the way in, he thought to himself, "Well, I must be clever here, because if I say I'm ... he'll sure to ask me what my occupation is, and if I say I'm a farmworker, there's plenty of farm work about and he'll put me on a farm again."
So off he goes into the office, the bloke behind the office, and he looks up and he says, "Good morning, what can I do for you?"
He says "I'm come in to sign on."
"Oh yes," the bloke said. "In case a job comes up for you, what's your occupation?"
"Oh," he said, "I'm a liontamer."
The bloke said, "What a coincidence," he said. "Yesterday the circus moved into town and the liontamer got mauled by a lion and he's in hospital. Here's your green card, and you go down and take the job."
Couldn't do nothing about it so away he goes down. When he gets there, there was the ringmaster outside the ... outside the cage, you see, and the old bloke was shaking like hell.
And he said, "Well," he said, "I don't think I shall be any good with this job because I can see they lions don't know me, they don't like me."
"Oh," he said, "you'll get used to it after a few mauls and scratches." "Well," he said, "you'll have to tell me what to do."
Well the old bloke said, the old ringmaster said, "That's easy," he said. "All you do." he says, "you put your hand down, catch hold of a lump of meat," he said, "and throw in over the cage." He said, "You slide open the cage door," he said, "and make sure to slide the cage door shut behind thee," he said, "and make sure never to take your eyes off a lion else he'll have 'ee."
"Oh Christ," he said. "I've got to do..."
"Oh yes," he said.
"Well," he said, "what do I do then?"
Well he said, "You creep over," he said, "grab the meat and pull it away from the lion."
"Christ," he said. "What the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you'll find the lion coming towards thee, very gently. Then he's a-just about to pounce at 'ee."
"Well," he said, "what the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you go backwards," he said, "and you'll finish with your back up against the cage," he said, "and just before the lion's going to jump, pounce at thee," he said, "you keep your eye on the lion," he said, "but put your hand down," he said, "pick up a lump of dung and throw it right in his face."
"Oh," he said, "oh," he said, "no, oh," he said, "that's all right," he said, "but suppose there ain't no dung down there?"
He said, "There will be."

Recorded by John Howson, 1987

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Apr 20 - 08:22 AM

"Wooden leg"
Reminds me of a local character nicknamed 'Timber Tony' because of having lost his leg
He was chatting up an American visitor in the local nar when she asked him why he was called that'
Not replying, he placed his foot on a nearby chair, took out a penknife and began driving the point into his calf
She took the next stage out of town

Which reminds me of a story recorded by my mate, Denis Turner, back in the 1960s
This can be heard with other stories on an album of traditional storytelling I once put together for EFDSS '...and that's my Story'
It's now been long unavailable but if anybody wants it - send an e-mail address
Jim

DICKIE BITHELL AND THE KICKING MATCH Jack Oakes Bolton, Lancashire, England
Years ago there used to be kicking matches and they used stand up and put their 'ands on their shoulders, 'bout a yard apart, and they used kick at then-shins wi' clogs on. And, er .... owd Dickie Bithell was the champion of Wigan.
And this stranger came, came in this pub this 'ere day. So they had a game of dominoes and then they started talking about these kicking matches. So me dad says, "Well, owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire." So this feller kept quiet. So me dad said again, "Owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire."
So this feller's turned round to me dad, he says: "If you'll give me the first kickin', I'll have a go at owd Dickie."
Owd Dickie says, "Right, put your two pound down." So this stranger puts two pound down. So they go outside in a field and they stand up together and bate of one another's shoulders, arm's length. So this stranger takes the first kick -1 wish I could show you - and he kicks owd Dickie. Well owd Dickie goes rigid hisself to take the strain. So owd Dickie had his kick; so he kicks the stranger and the stranger did the same; take the strain.
So he carried on four or five times. So owd Dickie turned round to me dad, he said, "This stranger's no mug; he's a fair 'un."
"Go on, cany on Dickie", me dad said. So he carried on three or four more times.
Owd Dickie says, "I'm finished; he's too good. Give him the money." So me dad, looking at owd Dickie's legs, there were blood, snot and 'air hanging down his leg, he were in a bad way, you know.
So he says, "All right, give him the money."
So they said to t'other feller, "Let's have a look at your leg." When they looked at his leg, he'd a wooden leg. So they took the two pound off him and clear him out of pub.

Recorded by Denis Turner, 1966.
The ’sport’ of kicking appears to have been popular throughout England until comparatively recent times. We have been told that, in Norfolk, contestants would sit on opposite sides of a pub table and take turns at kicking each other's shins until one gave up. The contest is all the more vicious in Jack Oakes' story as the clogs the combatants wore would have been metal tipped. Dickie Bithell would seem to have been a local character; Mr. Oakes had a number of stories about him.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 23 Apr 20 - 08:01 AM

Brendan Behan once claimed, in an interview in ?Montreal, that he saw an advertiser's billboard with the words, "Drink Canada Dry"; "and that's exactly what I intend to do".

I'm tempted to add that it doesn't matter if you can't hang a person with a wooden leg, since you can always beat him about the skull....

Good Luck!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Apr 20 - 07:55 AM

Cracker Barrel restaurants lies! I was driving down the highway and saw a billboard advertising their restaurant at the upcoming interchange. It said, "Thirty meals for $8.99!"

So, I stopped in, ordered all 30 of 'em, and the bastards wanted to charge me $269.70 plus tax!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Apr 20 - 02:57 AM

Why can't they hang a man with a wooden leg ?
Because they need a rope
(inspired by having just contributed to the 'execution" thread)

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Apr 20 - 10:25 AM

A stable boy at the Wimbledon riding stables madly fancies one of the customers, but he is too shy to mention it to her - after thinking on the problem he goes in on the morning she usually came in and paints the tail of her favourite horse blue
She says nothing, mounts and rides off
The following week he paints the horse's legs blue - still no response
The next week he tries the mane, with the same response
In desperation, the next time she's due, he paints the entire horse blue
She is about to mount, hesitates and says, "This horse is blue"
"Can I fuck you?" he asks
Jiim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Apr 20 - 06:56 AM

I was told that sleeping with your pet can help build your immune system to allergies, can help you to feel more comforted in general life and to bond better with your pet. I can tell you... I tried it.... I almost drowned and ended up swallowing my goldfish.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Apr 20 - 01:59 AM

What would you rather be or a wasp ?
What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel ? - one's weasely recognised, the other's stoatally different
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Apr 20 - 11:28 PM

There was a married couple who, as a private joke, began referring to having sex as "doing the laundry".

One evening, they were watching television and the husband asked his wife, "Do you feel like doing some laundry tonight?"

"I would," replied his wife, "but I'm not feeling very well. I have a bit of a headache."

"That's all right. I understand," replied the husband.

About thirty minutes later, the husband heads up to bed. The wife follows him about thirty minutes later, finds him reading in bed, and says, "I'm feeling much better now. Would you still like to do some laundry?"

"Nah, that's okay," replied the husband. "It was only a small load, so I did it by hand."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 20 - 06:40 PM

One of the stupidest jokes I ever heard, on Crackerjack many decades ago, but I love it:

What have Jimmy Edwards and Lulu got in common?

They both have moustaches, except Lulu.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Apr 20 - 06:40 PM

Best laugh in a while, innit!

Diff between an ornery chicken and a lawyer? The chicken clucks defiance...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 20 - 06:37 PM

Q. What's the difference between a Scotsman and Walt Disney?

A. A Scotsman wears a kilt but Walt disnae...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 21 Apr 20 - 12:11 PM

An elderly couple made it a habit to have sex each Sunday morning; in order nt to overdo things, they timed themselves by the local church bells
one Sunday morning the story got round that the old man had died while on the job -
A friend rushed around to find what had happened and was told - "We were doing fine 'til that damned fire engine......"
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 21 Apr 20 - 06:04 AM

A young lad was caught masturbating by his mother
"You'll go blind", she told him
"Can I just finish this one and wear glasses?" he asked
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Apr 20 - 10:52 AM

Like it - must try it sometime
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Apr 20 - 09:59 AM

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Apr 20 - 07:23 AM

Chinese instructions for love-making
Hand in hand
Gland in hand
Gland in gland
Gland
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Apr 20 - 03:46 AM

old by old West Clare singer, Mikey Kelleher
A widow, burying her husband is taken short at the funeral and squats among the bushes nest to the grave, not noticing the nettles
She leaps up clutching herself between the legs, saying, "The horny old bastard, and he's hardly cold yet"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Apr 20 - 02:22 AM

"Feck off and let them land, you stupid git"

Ah!, remember Jake Thakery's "Bantam Cock" ? -

'You see them big daft buggers up there?
They'll be down in a minute or two;
They'll be down in a minute or two.'

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Apr 20 - 05:00 PM

Two true snippets from the first school I worked in, in Poplar. The head of science (let's call him Turner) was cleaning graffiti from the wall outside his classroom when he spotted, written in pencil, "Turner is a cunt and a half." He said "I'm bloody proud of this - it means I've made my mark!" He left it there for as long as he could, unlike all the other stuff. Another time, Mr Whitehead (let's call him...) spotted, scrawled on his classroom door frame, "Whithead is a bastard." Enraged, he seized a pencil and inserted the missing letter 'e' :-)