More limericks, eh? Part 3 [7]

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: GUEST,gUYEST
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 05:21 PM

TETRAMETER -- not quadrameter -- 4 a line with 4 feet

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: GUEST,Roll&Go-C
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 04:55 PM

As we used to say,"If you haven't been banged in Bangor, you've never been banged before!"

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 03:43 PM

Bangor sounds like a lively place, but not quite as lively as Bangkok, in all probability.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: GUEST,Roll&Go-C
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 11:38 AM

Another nautical limerick:

There was a young lady from Bangor,
Who fell asleep while her ship lay at anchor;
She awoke with dismay,
When she heard Kendall say,
"Boys, hoist up the top sheet and spanker!"

Back to meditation.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 10:45 AM

Shameful! Disgusting! Lewd, vile, and unconscionable!

Keep 'em comin', guys.

I'll write the clean ones, you write the dirty ones. Each to his own.

- LH

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Amos
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 01:41 AM

A sensitive bloke, Little Hawk
At off-color lim'ricks would balk
But the thread just got nastier
And the limericks rastier
No matter how much he would squawk!

A

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: guest(intruder-inactive)
Date: 18 Feb 01 - 09:00 PM

in advance, your pardon
but i'm of the opinion that limericks are by nature "dirty"

a water pipe suited miss hunt
and she used it for many a bunt
but the unfortunate wench
got it stuck in her trench
it took 22 men and a big stilson wrench
to get the thing out of her c**t

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Feb 01 - 08:35 PM

There once was so silly a thread
It made CH just wish he were dead
Nothing folky or trad
Just limericks so bad
They could knock a sick horse out of bed

And I started it. Mea culpa!

- LH

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: GUEST,Roll&Go-C
Date: 18 Feb 01 - 05:17 PM

Well, here's some favorite late adds to this thread:

There once was a poet named McNamiter,
Whose tool was of prodigious diameter,
But it wasn't the size,
Gave the gals the surprise,
Twas his rhythm – iambic pentameter!

There was a young widow named Brice,
Who kept her dead husband on ice;
She said,"Twas hard when I lost him,
I'll never defrost him,
It's rather cold comfort but nice."

And for the nautical crowd:

There once was a pirate named Gates,
Who thought he'd do battle on skates,
But he fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

Arghhh!

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 24 Nov 00 - 07:05 AM

Thanks, Guest johntm.

I have to come up with some trochees first.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: GUEST,johntm
Date: 23 Nov 00 - 09:44 PM

carolc get back into it you are fun without being vulgar

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: hesperis
Date: 22 Nov 00 - 12:04 AM

Well, boxette, this IS a limerick thread...

If anyone's gonna be offended, they shouldn't even be reading this thread! Limericks are supposed to offend --- but they have to do it well.

:P-* (a raspberry "pfffft!" to anyone who's offended. So there.)

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Boxette
Date: 21 Nov 00 - 06:16 AM

There was a young man of Degrizes Whose balls were of different sizes One was so small it was no ball at all But the other one won several prizes

There was a young girl from Australia Who painted her arse like a dahlia 2p a smell went down very well But 5p a lick was a failure

Wish I could write the one about the guy from Buckingham, but I would definitely offend somebody Kit

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 21 Nov 00 - 02:56 AM

That probably makes no sense to anyone but me. The key word here is over (my head).

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 21 Nov 00 - 02:52 AM



.....zzzzoooooommmmm!!!!!!

---------------------------------->

...(:-o) <---my head

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Amos
Date: 21 Nov 00 - 01:45 AM

You guys are so Illoquent! I swan! :>)

A

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Greyeyes
Date: 20 Nov 00 - 01:37 PM

Sounds right to me CarolC.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 20 Nov 00 - 02:36 AM

So this would be amphibrachs then...

The lovers of John Latour Snyder
Who feasted on apples and cider
Were gnarled old witches
And elegant bitches
Created by A. Pinkham Ryder

Yes?

(stole that one too)

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Amos
Date: 19 Nov 00 - 12:50 PM

Your rhyming, good Hawk, is quite lyrical
And induces a mood near hysterical
And the substance, good host
Seems to wander quite close
To what Japanese call metaphyrickle!

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 11:05 PM

Let's have limericks of wit and good taste
That will not cause offense to the chaste
Not these 4 letter words
It's becoming absurd
My poor thread is becoming debased!

For these hideous, scurrillous knaves
Rise like zombies from unnam-ed graves
In the dead of the night
They descend like a blight
And inflict us with crude verbal staves

Oh, alas, that my dear thread should pine
For an innocence no longer thine
Where is Spaw when we need him?
Where the hero to free him?
Good old Spaw would restore spotless prime

To this thread so in need of his grace
For he's never been known to disgrace
He won't say words like "sh*t"
"b*lls", pr*ck, c*ck, or t*t
Not even when kicked in the face!

Spaw...you must come at once and restore decency, temperance, and good taste to this thread. Otherwise, I fear that all may be lost!

= LH

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 10:40 PM

There is always:-
There was a young woman from Bude
Who went for a swim in the Lake
When a man in a punt
stuck his pole in her .....ear
and said "You can't swim here it's private

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Greyeyes
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 01:15 PM

Anyway, enough frivolity, time to get serious

There was a young man from Peru
Who fell asleep in a canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He fingered his penis
And woke with a handful of goo.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Greyeyes
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 01:05 PM

I think there's another one as well, something like

"The Amphibrach next with his stressed middle beat."

It's been a long time!

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Greyeyes
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 12:56 PM

Iambus comes with steady pace

Swift the Trochee takes his place

Follows the Dactyl on hurrying feet

And last but not least, the rare Anapest.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Wavestar
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 12:00 PM

Carol, Iambic verse in four beats is quadrameter.

I didn't know that much about anapests and dactyls, and here I'm an English major... you learn something new everyday, on Mudcat!

-J

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 11:10 AM

Little Hawk, I think that was anapests!

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 09:42 AM

If you think that your time's being wasted
And your wine of life's not being tasted
Then consider old Spaw
Who's still wagging his jaw
And poor IARF who's getting lambasted

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 03:11 AM

Alright then. Double dactyls it is.

Higgledy Piggledy
Wesley B. Walker
Taught all of his students
The virtues of sin

Gratification
Excells sublimation
He swore by the hair of
His chinny chin chin

(I stole that one.)

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 16 Nov 00 - 03:26 AM

Ok, can someone help me here? (Seamus, you back from Ireland yet?)

When you read Mudcat posts
In the presence of ghosts
And you know you're not reading alone

Then you think, "This is fine
Yes, in fact it's sublime"
And your ghostfriends agree with a moan

Is this anapests?

Good grief, I know I can't be very smart
If I can't figure out right from the start
Which words are dactyls and which aren't
Which ones to use, and those I daren't
And when to give up poetry for art

(mostly) Iambic pentameter?

What are the four footed iambic lines called?

Anybody?

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Nov 00 - 10:21 PM

Friday, the Rutland County Bar Association had its annual meeting and all-day continuing education session. There was a seminar on effect of the new Civil Unions law in Vermont on the lawyer's everyday practice, and I was drafted as a panelist for the real estate aspects.

After I had given my spiel and sat me down, another guy was speaking on the estate planning and tax aspects of the law, and I got to doodling while not listening to him as closely as I should have, and came up with the following:

A couple got married, though gay.
One wanted his friend's IRA.
He said to him, "Stover,
We need a rollover."
"Right now?" said his partner; "Okay!"

So am I a really bad person?

Peter.

(British Isles 'catters: IRA = Individual Retirement Account, not Irish Republican Army, for purposes of this literary work.)

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: tradman
Date: 04 Nov 00 - 08:03 PM

Yipes! this has turned into a terrible pun forum. In a effort to gets things back on the right track...

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno

Said F*cking is one thing I do know.

All women are fine,

And sheep are divine,

But a llama is numero uno!

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: L R Mole
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 02:25 PM

No, but I'm getting confused myself now.Feeling fear: in fact, I quake in pterror, Dactyl.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 11:31 AM

How 'bout Anne of Green Gables? Is Anne a pest?

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 09:56 AM

Ok, so now I'm really confused. When I read L R Mole's little ditty, I find myself naturally putting the emphasis on the first and fourth sylables of each phrase. According to Seamus Kennedy, that would make them double dactyls.

Also, in my Higgledy Piggledy, the emphasis is on the first and fourth sylable of each phrase in the first half, but it's on the second and fifth sylables in the second half. So according to Seamus Kennedy, that would make the first half double dactyls, but the second half would be something else?

Keep in mind, all of you who are not poetically challenged as I am, that it's pretty easy to confuse me.

Help?

Carol

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: L R Mole
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 09:01 AM

ANAPESTIC BULLETIN (doo-dah...): I've heard it said that it's the opposite to the heartbeat, and therefore can physically weaken people who hear it (?); that there are lots in the Stones' music but none in the Beatles' (not true: I think "Come together" is an anapestic rhythm if not lyric) and that remembering anapests hasn't been a problem for students since Queen's "We Will Rock You". Anyway, I like a/Rattling Anapest/Better than Limericks./Where is the crime? I throw my collar up/Pocket my hands and go/Rhymically whistling/Three-quarter time.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Midchuck
Date: 02 Nov 00 - 08:51 AM

What is the limerick's true physiogamy? Dactyl or Anapest, what can it be? With measured tread, the Dactyl steps heavily, While the Anapest gallops with glee!

P.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: mousethief
Date: 01 Nov 00 - 06:07 PM

Sorry; an anapest is short-short-long; a dactyl is long-short-short.

Gotta learn to proofread some day.

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: mousethief
Date: 01 Nov 00 - 06:05 PM

LH: No, those aren't dactyls. Dactyls have 3 syllables, the first being accented and the last 2 unaccented.

"Militant feminist" is a double dactyl.

The opposite of a dactyl, of course, is an anapest, which is long-short-short, and Dr. Suess's favorite meter.

Although once you get started it's sometimes hard to tell the one from the other.

The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold
--Lord Byron

Alex
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Nov 00 - 05:25 PM

Oh, like...harum, scarum. holus, bolus. rock 'em, sock 'em. That sort of thing...?

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 01 Nov 00 - 12:11 AM

Little Hawk- Higgledy, Piggledy; strawberry, raspberry;
Seamus

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: GUEST,Frugz UK
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 07:30 PM

There once was a pastor from kings Who liked most ethereal things His most ardent desire Was a boy in the choir Who'd an arse like a jelly on strings

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 07:15 PM

What is a double dactyl?

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 03:39 PM

Seamus...just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Good job!

Carol

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 02:46 PM

Carol C, don't eeeeewww me! I caught you (once again) using your double dactyls - in a Limerick thread, no less. If you wish to use your DD's (and fine DD's they are, to be sure) please do so in a DD thread. Yr ob svt. Seamus

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: sledge
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 11:29 AM

While involved in a bestial act
He acted so matter of fact
The pig gave a squeel
as he had a feel
But the farmer caught him, he's sacked.

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: CarolC
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 03:43 AM

Seamus...eewwwww.......

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 31 Oct 00 - 03:18 AM

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were really quite stable.
One night at full moon
She went down with a spoon
And drank herself under the table.

And a horrible fellow from Munchez All he would say
Throughout the whole day
Was, "Yez bastards, yez fuckers, yex cunchez.

All the best
Seamus

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: hesperis
Date: 30 Oct 00 - 12:54 PM

An arrogant man from Marete
Declared he would not face defeat
When he met with a foe
Who could make him eat crow
He would thus beat a quite fleet retreat

That's from Quest for Glory V: Dragonfire, one of the world's best computer games. Which has actually seduced me away from Mudcat for a couple of days. Hmmmmm...

See ya!

I'm off to be a Wizard, a wonderful Wizard from WIT (Wizard's Institute of Technology.)

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: GUEST,Elektra
Date: 30 Oct 00 - 09:41 AM

I've always liked that 'Japan' one, hehe...

In a similar vein:

There once was young man from Crewe
Whose limericks would end at line two

And then there's the guy from Verdun...

But that's really more like cheating.

On a bawdier note, I saw one on a previous thread that reminded me of this:

There once was a girl named Jill
Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil!

And now for something COMPLETELY different... Here's one for the prudes:

The great Aphrodite by Phideas
Once shocked the ultra-fastidious
'Til certain old aunties
Then dressed her in panties --
Which made her look perfectly hideous.

Sorry, can't remember who wrote that one either. :p
I suppose that's enough torture for now though. Or at least, a brief respite from you-know-who's you-know what! LOL

*Elektra*

Subject: RE: More limericks, eh? Part 3
From: tradman
Date: 29 Oct 00 - 10:09 PM

The St.Bees limerick by Gilbert is the last in my favorite book of limericks... "An Explosion of Limericks" by Vyvyan Holland, son of Oscar Wilde. The collection is literary rather than scatalogical or salacious, and often pokes good fun at itself as in the Gilbertian example or this one:

There was a young man of Japan, whose poetry never would scan.

He said, yes I know that this really is so,

But I always try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can