BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 11:56 AM

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

Alaska

California

Oklahoma

TEXAS

UTAH

and

Wyoming

~~~

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cluin
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 03:53 AM

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing memorable surgeries they had performed.

The first one declared, "Y'know I believe I'm the best damn surgeon in Texas, y'all. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident once and I reattached `em all. And eight months later, he played a command performance for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon rebutted this with, "Heck, that ain't nothing, hoss. I treated a young man one time who'd lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them and two years later he up and won a gold medal in Swimming in the goldang Olympics."

The third surgeon laughed, "I tell you whut, you guys is rank amateurs. Quite a few years ago now, I had a case of a drunken cowboy who rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. Hell, all that was left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. And now he's President of these United States."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 19 Aug 05 - 03:16 AM

Sooz - thank you for the correction. I had translated this joke from the German, but since your version is much more funnier than the one I've heard, I think the English version is the original one.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 11:23 AM

"A Hot Summer's Day"

A fellow walked into a Baskin & Robbins Ice Cream Parlor on a very hot summery day.

He ordered a double scooped chocolate cone, received it, and then walked away.

Outside on the sidewalk he paused for a bit, then he reached in a pocket and pulled out a pair of red birds, sat down on a nearby bench with his birds, and placed them on top of his fudgie.

A passerby, who glanced over his way and noticed the curious sight, was prompted to ask, "What's happening, Bud, with your treat with two birdies alight?"

The fellow replied in a curious way, in an absolute serious tone, "I'm just trying, dear sir, as best I know how, to chill two birds with one cone."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 09:03 AM

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Whoever wrote that obviously hadn't heard of Bonobos.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Sooz sans cookie
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 04:08 AM

I thought it went "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch"!

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 18 Aug 05 - 02:59 AM

- You must be a very pious man.
- Why?
- Every morning when you are leaving yout house I see you crossing yourself.
- Oh no, it's just control: hat? fly? wallet? fountain pen?

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Roger the cookieless Skiffler
Date: 10 Aug 05 - 09:21 AM

Forwarded by someone elses I can't believe they're all true!

Proof That The World is Nuts:

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by
death.
   (Like THAT makes sense.)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror.
    (Do they look different reversed?)

   *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
    (A brick??)

    *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
    (Much worse than "going blind!")

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
    (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
    world that even comes close to this?)

   *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
    (Ah! Sweet Justice!)

   *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
    (But of course!)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
    (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

    *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
    (I assume it was a big enough problem they had to pass this law?)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
    (Is this a great country or what? Well, . . not as great as Guam!)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
    (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
   (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

   *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
    (From drinking little bottles of ...?)
    (Did the government pay for this research??)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.
    (Ah Jeeze!)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
   (I know some people like that.)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.
      (I know some people like that, too.)

   *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last:

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
      (And YOU thought YOU bad breath in the morning!)
   

                                                 --THE END--

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 09 Aug 05 - 02:25 PM

Warning - Tacky joke ahead :

Two Pakistani mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of
goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts
flipping through pictures, and together they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though," mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.
"And this is my Kalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," say the other happily, "he had such curly hair
when he was born."
"Yes. He's a martyr now too." says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me..." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she
whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started school."
"He's also a martyr, " says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim Mother looks wistfully
at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Aug 05 - 10:46 AM

"Party Entertainment"

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Cool Beans
Date: 08 Aug 05 - 09:14 AM

Guy gets a phone call from his doctor. "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"
      "The good news, I guess."
      "OK, you have 24 hours to live."
      "That's the GOOD NEWS? What's the bad news?"
      "I tried to call yesterday."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Aug 05 - 08:40 PM

This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence, which was "Let's make love." The parrot said it all the time, embarrassing the owner to no end.

Finally, He went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot problem. The priest replied, "I have a parrot who also only knows one sentence. He always says, 'Let us pray.' Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the end of the day."

So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priests parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out "Let's make Love."

The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said, "My prayers have been answered."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim McLean
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 01:11 PM

My Musical Director was told by his doctor that he suffered from syncopation .... an irregular movement from bar to bar.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 05 Aug 05 - 09:19 AM

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just about pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her, "Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 05 - 01:26 PM

"Psychic Abilities"

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: MudGuard
Date: 01 Aug 05 - 04:05 PM

Da capo ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 01 Aug 05 - 03:49 PM

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3 piece suit with nicely shined shoes.

The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become altoo much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Aug 05 - 10:05 AM

An American sitting in a hotel lobby in London turned to an Englishman sat beside him and started to castigate him about his nationality. "You know, you English people are so stuffy, why do you think you're so special? You play this stiff upper lip business and think your superior to everyone else"

He continued, "Just take a look at me and my fellow countrymen, we don't have your kind of hang-ups. I'm proud of the fact that I have French blood, Italian blood, Red Indian blood and some Irish blood too. So what do you say to that."

The Englishman gave it some thought and then answered, "Well sir, I think that was jolly sporting of your mother"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Jul 05 - 08:11 PM

In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.

Trent Lott says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush."

After the cheers die down. Lott says "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?"

Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Trent Lott says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?"

Trent Lott is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened.

But then Bush starts pouting, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Lott, unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four."

A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.

All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet.

These GOP partisans start to wave their arms, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar:

"GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: van lingle
Date: 31 Jul 05 - 12:04 PM

Also heard in the confesional:
Elderly Man: "Bless me father for I have sinned. Last night I took two hot stewardesses back to my hotel room and made passionate love to them all night".

Priest: "I see. May I ask sir, are you a member of this congregation?"

Elderly Man: "No"

Priest: "Are you even Catholic?"

Elderly Man: "No, as a matter of fact I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Well then, what are you telling me for?"

Elderly Man: "Hell father, I'm telling everyone!"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Jul 05 - 11:00 AM

A man walks into a confession box. “Bless me father, I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."

The priest is silent, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze juice into a glass and drink it in one."

The man asks, "Then will I be forgiven?"

"No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that fucking smirk off your face!"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Jul 05 - 09:41 AM

What is the difference between a nun in the church and a nun in the bath?


The nun in the church has a soul full of hope!

What is the difference between hard and light?


You can go to sleep with the light on!

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: van lingle
Date: 31 Jul 05 - 09:08 AM

Uncle Dave O, I enjoyed the "golf truisms" and was happy to read them after the tough round I played yesterday. I only hit two good balls all day and that was when I stepped on a rake.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 31 Jul 05 - 01:43 AM

A man's first happy moment

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: michaelr
Date: 30 Jul 05 - 06:52 PM

What's a chav??


Here's another Nelson story:

Lookout: "Admiral, there are three French frigates bearing down on us!"

Nelson: "Adjutant, ready the cannons, and bring me my red shirt."

Adjutant: "Yes sir... but why the red shirt?"

Nelson: "If I'm wounded, I don't want the men to know so they won't lose heart."

Lookout: "Correction, Admrial, it's three hundred French frigates!"

Nelson: "Forget the red shirt. Bring me my brown trousers!"



Farmer Johnson comes up the neighbor's drive and knocks on the door. A young boy opens the door.

Farmer Jones: "Is your daddy home?"

Boy: "No sir, he's gone into town."

Farmer Jones: "Is your momma home?"

Boy: "No sir, she's gone into town with my daddy."

Farmer Jones: "What about your bid brother Howard? Is he home?"

Boy: "No sir, he's gone into town with my momma and daddy. Can I help you with somethin'?"

Farmer Jones: "Well, I come about the matter of your brother Howard gettin' my daughter Betty pregnant."

Boy "Well, I don't know nothin' about that. But I can tell you that my daddy gets fifty dollars for the bull, twenty-five dollars for the hog... and I don't know what he gets for Howard."


Cheers,
Michael

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Jul 05 - 05:26 PM

"I'm such a bad driver, I can't tell whether it's one o'clock or I'm going a hundred."

--Phyllis Diller

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: heric
Date: 30 Jul 05 - 11:11 AM

A woman at work got twelve red roses delivered yesterday. As I was admiring them I said you are one lucky woman. She said "Well, maybe, except that now I'll be expected to lie flat on my back for a week with my legs up in the air." "What?" I said. "Why, ain't you got a vase?"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Jul 05 - 08:48 AM

1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.

2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted

3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to
    watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chelmsford Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.

7. You're in your car and you see a C Chav on a bike, why should you try
    not to hit him? It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a C Chav and a coconut? One's thick and
    hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"


10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.

11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police

12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.

13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please

14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? "Will the defendant please stand"

15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A

16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4

17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.

18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll
      screw anything.

19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.

20. How many chavs does it take to clean a Floor? None, "That's some
      uvver bleeders job innit."

21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to
      close the Nova's window in the car wash

22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random
       stranger for no reason whatsoever.

23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.

24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were
      approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the
    pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they
    stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the
    blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us?
    Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde
    girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society!

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 29 Jul 05 - 10:10 AM

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland, Australia.


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in blo0dy quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - > nothin'!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.

You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Kevin with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of pi$s!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Kev and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter

Jill xxxx

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Jul 05 - 04:17 PM

Outsourcing the President's Job

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of August 31st. The move is being made to save not only a significant portion of the President's $400,000.00 yearly salary, but also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-Wash.). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accountability Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively.

"We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of September 1st. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.

"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using this tree, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.

"We know these scripting tools work," stated the Spokesperson. "Mr. Bush has used them successfully for years."

Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 dollars a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. One possibility is re-enlistment in the Air National Guard. Should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited.

"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

~ Author Unknown

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Peace
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 10:17 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jul 05 - 09:58 PM

Subject: Government Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 11 Jul 05 - 09:13 AM

QUOTES FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description; it's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: katlaughing
Date: 09 Jul 05 - 11:31 PM

LMAO!! These are great ones, guys!!

A friend just sent this to us...mind you, he remembers that my Rog is an engineer!

Understanding Engineers - Take One
-------------------------------------------
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jul 05 - 10:02 AM

"Funny Signs"

Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE
FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE
REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP
LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES,
WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE
ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS
THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK
HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: wlisk
Date: 09 Jul 05 - 08:29 AM

Three men die and go to heaven and are waiting in line to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name?

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Roger: 60K.

St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?

Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the third man. Hi, what's your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

John: About $3,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Pseudolus at Work
Date: 08 Jul 05 - 10:49 AM

Three guys walk into a bar...you'd think one of 'em woulda seen it!

I know it's been in the threads before but I couldn't resist....

Frank

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 08 Jul 05 - 12:55 AM

Thought for the day:

"Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 07 Jul 05 - 11:28 AM

Kenny G walks into an elevator and says, "Man, this place is HAPPENING!"

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 07 Jul 05 - 10:46 AM

How do you make a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its bill withers

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wesley S
Date: 07 Jul 05 - 10:45 AM

A letter, addressed "To the world's greatest drummer", arrives at the home of Louie Bellson. He takes one look at it, and says, "well,
this is obviously not for me", and forwards it to Gene Krupa. Krupa
also takes one look at it, and also says, "well, this is obviously
not for me", and he forwards it as well. The letter makes the rounds
of famous drummers' homes, until it finally winds up at the home of
Buddy Rich. He takes one look at it, and says, "well, this is
obviously for me", rips it open, and reads "Dear Ringo...."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 11:16 AM

"I Have.."

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries.
A hip replacement, new knees.
Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
I'm winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation,
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.

But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 08:12 AM

When Mr Davidson (yes, the famous one, from Harley D.) enters the Pearly Gates, he is held up by St Peter: "Since you are such a famous inventor, The Lord wants to see you and grant you an interview."
When with The Lord, Mr Davidson asks: "They say you have invented a model called woman?"
"That's right."
"Now let me tell you that I think it's a very faulty model. It's rattling away all day, the surface is irregularly bulged, the inlet is too near to the outlet, the back parts are too soft and too wobbly, and it costs hell to maintain it."
The Lord grabs his notebook, hits some keys, and answers: That may be, but statistics show that more men are riding my model than yours."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: freda underhill
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 07:16 AM

An American man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African Americans men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent."

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto" the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 07:13 AM

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."   With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 07:12 AM

A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it.

POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. "Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?" The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins"

"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women."

"No problem" said the Genie, POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.

Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string attached.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jul 05 - 05:04 PM

Golf

The following is not intended to offend fans of hockey, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective. However, if you are offended because of your favorite sport, please tell someone else.

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?

The following truisms may shed some light:

1. Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.

2. Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

3. Golfers don't kick dirt on, spit on, or throw bottles at, other people.

4. Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.

5. Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.

6. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.

7. Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

8. When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.

9. The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.

10. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the SuperBowl costs around $300 or more, unless you buy it from scalpers, in which case it's $1,000+.

11. You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world, and not spend a small fortune on food and drink.

Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.

12. In golf, you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (300 batting average)do.

13. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.

14. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

15. Golf doesn't have free agency.

16. In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime, Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."

17. You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

18. At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name-calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.

19. Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.

20. Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.

21. And Finally: Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.

This is old but maybe you haven't seen it

Why do golf courses have 18 holes -- not 20, or 10, or an even dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in
1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: Les in Chorlton
Date: 02 Jul 05 - 03:40 AM

Thanks Bainbo, that is a joke!

Once upon a time their were two rabits. Look how many their are now.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Bainbo
Date: 01 Jul 05 - 08:17 AM

Apparently, one in five people in the world is Chinese.
And there are five people in my family.
So that means it must be my mum or my dad.
Or my brother, Colin.
Or my other brother, Hu Chow Chin.
But I think it's Colin.

Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
From: GUEST,Tiddy Oggy
Date: 01 Jul 05 - 08:11 AM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Fw: Trafalgar Re-Run 2005 (Under New Labour)



Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir.

"Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."


Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."


Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...................................

Kiss me, Hardy!!