BS: Any New Jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 10:53 AM

One woman says to another, "I want to have a baby more then anything, I see your pregnant, did you do anything special?" Lady replies, "I went to a faith healer." First woman says, "My husband & I did that too." Her friend answered, "Next time go alone."

Young fellow to store clerk, "I'm looking for a present for my aunt, she's very rich & very old." Clerk thought a moment & then said, "How about some floor wax?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 01:29 PM

"The bishop is a long time coming" said the Duchess. Pouring tea with her left hand.
Giok

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 09:16 PM

"Two Men And One Woman...."

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian Men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

- The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

- The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/store/ restaurant/laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees and customers for their store.

- The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

- The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a darn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this heaven-forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 09:38 PM

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error
messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction
rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first line, 7
in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless
message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through
extreme brevity.

Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.
------------------------------------------------------------
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
-----------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
------------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
---------------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
---------------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
---------------------------------------------------

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
---------------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But ! we never will.
------------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
---------------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Now, isn't that better than "Your computer has performed an illegal
operation"?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 10:45 PM

The Abbott & Costello routine "Who's on first" revisited!

ABBOTT:   Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

ABBOTT:   Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT:   Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOTT:   What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT:   Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT:   Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT:   Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT:   I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT:   Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT:   Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT:   Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT:   Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOTT:   The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT:   RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT:   RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT:   Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT:   RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT:   You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT:   The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT:   Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT:   The Word in Office for Windows

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOTT:   No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT:   Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT:   No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But
I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on.
What do you have to help me track of my money?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT:   No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:   Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT:   Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT:   No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT:   Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT:   Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT:   Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT:   Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT:   Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT:   If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT:   Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT:   No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home usiness.
You know - accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT:   Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT:   More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might ... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOTT:   GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT:   GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT:   I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay,
I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT:   Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT:   No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in ... Oh, never mind.

ABBOTT:   Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 11:17 PM

LOL!! Brings back fond memories of the days long ago when I actually talked to people who had that sort of question!! :>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 03:33 PM

Carnation Milk

A little lady from Wisconsin had worked around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk -- with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores (1940s or '50s?), she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all..." She said, I know all about milk and dairy farms, I can do this!

She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much; we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

Here is her entry:

================================



Carnation milk is best of all,

no tits to pull, no shit to haul,

no stalls to wash, no hay to pitch,

just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 04:11 PM

Working For the Government

You know you work for the government when:

The process becomes more important than the product

You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you
know nothing about

You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there

You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one
answering them.

You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+
people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money

You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym

You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms

You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its
importance.
(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor
(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention

You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3
years, but have had 3 different business cards

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 05:54 PM

Dang!! Someone's been spilling the Inner Workings of Gumint Handbook to the public!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: SueB
Date: 02 Dec 03 - 09:41 PM

Two cars are waiting at a stoplight. The light turns green, but the woman in the first car doesn’t notice it. A man in the car behind her is watching traffic pass around them. He starts pounding on his steering wheel and yelling at the woman to move. The woman doesn’t move. The man is going ballistic inside his car, ranting and raving at the woman, pounding on his steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the man begins to blow the car horn, flips her off, and screams profanity and curses at the woman.

The woman looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The man is beside himself, screaming in frustration as he misses his chance to get through the intersection. As he is still in mid-rant he hears a tap on his window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells him to turn off his engine while keeping both hands in sight. Then the policeman orders him to exit his car with his hands up. He gets out of the car and is ordered to turn and place his hands on his car. He turns, places his hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. He is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where he is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. He is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with his personal effects. He hands him the bag containing his things, and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the lady off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at her. Then I noticed the “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do?” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

“So, naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 03:31 PM

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to buy lottery tickets instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on fish bait instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't fished in 20 years!"

"Will you use the money to buy a ticket to the Chiefs game?" the man asked.

"Are you crazy?" the homeless man replied. "I wouldn't pay to see folks beat upon other folks. I have seen enough of that on the streets."

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, ball games, gambling, and fishing."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 05:24 PM

IT'S TIME TO GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL IF...


You consider it a culinary success when the Pop-Tart stays in one piece.

Your dog goes to the neighbors'to eat.

Your family buys Alka-Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

The E.P.A. insists that all your garbage cans be marked with bio-hazard symbols.

Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.

You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

Your family prays AFTER they eat!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:00 PM

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this seems worse than usual.”

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, “Officer, what’s the hold up?”

The officer replies, “The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Nigeria, and now the NBC White House reporter Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for the sexual innuendo he made to her at his recent press conference. So we’re taking up a collection for him.”

The lobbyist asks, “How much have you got so far?”

The officer replies, “About 14 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.”

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:02 PM

how about a poem for the season?

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by
name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:07 PM

Travel warnings---

Canadians in Australia

Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.

When the two friends got off the plane - still dressed for Canadian winter weather - they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.

"Ahhhh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.

"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.

"Don't know, mate," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:14 PM

Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 100 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob reaches in his wallethands her 100 dollars
and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 100 dollars
he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk
in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Peace
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:20 PM

Bill D: And when I was a kid, if ya didn't wake up Christmas day with a hard on ya just didn't have anything to play with. Times was tough.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:25 PM

Corporate lesson 2

A minister was driving along and saw a woman from his congregation on the side of the road,he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her dress to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The minister had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
She looked at him and immediately said, "Remember Psalm 129?"
The minister was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The lady once again looked at him and said, "You really should remember Psalm 129!"
Once again the minister apologized. "Sorry, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the woman got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the minister rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:28 PM

(LOL, brucie)

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give
each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Dec 03 - 06:37 PM

Pregnant lady knitting and saying out loud 'one plain, one purl, one Thalidomite tablet, one plain, one purl, one Thalidomite tablet, one ...' neighbour interrupts 'why the Thalidomite tablet?' Answer, 'I'm not good at sleeves'

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 07:11 PM

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."

The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

The bartender said, "Out the door, turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Ooh-Aah
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 10:37 PM

A grasshopper walks into a cocktail bar. The bartender looks up and says "it's funny you should come in, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper, mystified, says, "What? Eric?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 04 Dec 03 - 11:47 PM

The groom asks the best man if there is any sure test to find out of the bride is a virgin. He's told to take a bucket of blue paint & a bucket of red paint & a small shovel on the honeymoon. "Paint one ball blue & one ball red, and then if she says, "That's the funniest pair of balls I've ever seen." "Hit her over the head with the shovel!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 05:08 AM

Little Johnny (smartass & hero of many jokes) is a little tired of being the only one in his class not to benefit from his teachers kindness.
Every Friday she declares a quiz question, and the first to answer it correctly gets to leave early.
One Friday Johnny goes prepared with two ping-pong balls painted black.
Once the teacher announces that it's time for the weekly quiz Johnny bounces the balls to the front of the room.
"O.k. says the teacher, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

"Sammy Davies Junior, Miss, see you Monday!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mr Happy
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:52 AM

Well the festive season's almost here, so here's a seasonal one I heard recently:

Father Christmas goes into a pizza takeaway & asks for a pizza.

The assistant asks how he wants it.

'Deep pan, crisp & Even'!

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mr Happy
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 12:07 PM

An other pizza joke.

The Dalai Lama goes to Pizza Hut.

Assistant asks what he'd like.

Dalai Lama asks what's on offer.

'There's cheese & tomato, ham & pepperoni, garlic sausage & pineapple,........'

Dalai Lama ponders then says brightly 'Make me one with everything!'

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 02:16 PM

A young fellow takes a summer job at a lumber camp in the north woods. He arrives on Sunday afternoon, so no one will be working till Monday, and several of the guys are showing him around the camp. As it's getting near supper, they stop at the mess hall and decide to see what's for supper.
   The cook can be seen thru the door to the kitchen, making hamburgers....but the new arrival is floored by what he sees. The cook is a fat, sweaty bloke with no shirt on, and he is grabbing balls of ground meat in his bare hands and shoving them in his armpit and giving a big "SQUEEZE", and plopping the semi-flattened patty onto the grill!

"Oh, my God!", gasps the young man, "did you see that? That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen? Do you eat those?"

"Well, he's the only one here willing to cook," says one big lumberjack, "and he does use good meat....we get used to it."

"But that IMAGE", says the kid.."I don't know how I can face the meal!"

"Well", says another guy, "then you'd probably better not watch him make doughnuts!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 05:04 PM

The Top 10 Problems With Holding an Election in Hell


10) Polls are inconveniently located hovering above lakes of flaming pig shit.

9) Sub-Demons always stuffing the ballot boxes with the bodies of atheists, televangelists, and sit-com writers.

8) Results are always the same:
    49.9% Hitler
    49.9% Idi Amin
      0.2% Michael Eisner

7) You'd think Satan would take your Write-in Jesus gag campaign pin in the spirit it was intended, but the thousand rabid possums feeding upon your charred flesh would suggest otherwise.

6) Harder to get unbiased election results by radio with all the stations set to Limbaugh, 24/7.

5) Low voter turnout because the first Tuesday in November is also Disembowel a Telemarketer Day.

4) Having to shovel snow after a Ralph Nader victory.

3) Tough to concentrate on a debate while your feet are nailed to the floor nuts are being ratcheted to the ceiling.

2) Who cares who wins? You're in Hell! There's still that little matter of eternal damnation.

and the Number 1 Problem With Holding an Election in Hell...

1) Due to confusing ballot layout, many voters who intended to select "Beer and a Cheeseburger" mistakenly choose "Rectal Banjo Insertion".

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 07:37 PM

that all seems perfectly reasonable to me, except that I don't think possoms GET rabies...

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 05 Dec 03 - 11:41 PM

The young couple were walking on a lovely summer's evening, wanting privacy they thought of the nearby cemetery. They proceeded in and found a huge tombstone which had been knocked over. The girl lay on the tombstone. They kissed each other passionately and nature took it's course. The next morning the girl awakened with a terrible pain in her back. She asked her mother to massage her back. As she lay on her stomach, her Mother looked her over & said, "Susie, your back looks fine, but your ass died in 1892."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Dec 03 - 02:59 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mr Happy
Date: 09 Dec 03 - 07:46 AM

Three sons left home and each prospered. When they got back together, they boasted about the gifts they were able to buy their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a chauffer. Beat that"

The second said, "I built a big house for mother. Beat that"

The third son smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how mother always enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her an amazing large parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took priests 12 years to teach him. All mother has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon after, their mother sent her letters of thanks: To he first son she wrote, "I'm too old to travel any more so I stay at home most of the time. I rarely use the Mercedes and the chauffer is very rude!"

To her second son she wrote, "The house you built is Really too big for me. Although I live in only one room, I have to clean the whole house."

To her last son she wrote, "You've got the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 10:13 AM

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
   One day, miraculously, he came to. He motioned for her to come nearer.
   As she sat beside him and held his hand, he whispered with eyes full of tears, "Darling, I know you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to comfort me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what that tells me?"
   "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
   "I think you're bad luck."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Pied Piper
Date: 10 Dec 03 - 10:27 AM

How does Prince Charles remember his place when reading a book?














He bends down a page

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Gareth
Date: 11 Dec 03 - 07:30 PM

Well (Gawd Help Us) Christmas is comming, so I thought you all would like to know how the story of the Xmas Tree Fairy.

Once upon a time in Olde Germany there lived a Bad Baron.

Now this Bad Baron did not treat his peasents very well at all, and come Xmas they did not have anything to celibrate Yuletide with.

And the Bad Baron looked out of his castle and saw the peasents huts below and he was happy.

There was a sudden Flash !! and the Good Fairy appeared.

"Baron", she said, " Yonder peasants have no means to celebrate Christmas. Pray let me go into your woods and cut a Xmas tree for every hut"

And the Bad Barons heart was warmed, and he said "Yes !, but only one tree for every hut"

So the Good Fairy disappeared, and every hovel and hut had an Xmas Tree to celebrate Xmas.

The Good Fairy reapeared next to the bad Baron, and she had another Xmas tree in her hands.

"Baron", said the Good Fairy, "I have cut an Xmas Tree for your Castle, to bring the Yuletide spirit to you. Now where shall I put it ?"

And the Baron told the Good Fairy where she could put the extra Xmas Tree !.

And that, Boys and Girls is why the Fairy is placed at the top of a Christmas Tree.

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 11:45 AM

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside
and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly,"everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on
the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a
Mommy."

"Oh."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Pseudolus
Date: 12 Dec 03 - 03:29 PM

Redneck was talkin to his son...

"Dad," said the boy, "we had us a spellin contest in school today,
and I missed on the very first word." "Damn Son", the Father said, "What was the word?"

"Posse."

"Well, hell, no wonder you couldn't spell it, You ain't
even pronouncin' it right."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 01:56 AM

A Young Texan in N.Y. is very lonesome and he's about to head for home. He's about to buy his train ticket, when he spots a big fellow wearing a ten gallon hat & spurs. He follows him, only to lose him in the men's room. He's not at a urinal, finally he see his spurs under one of the doors. He realizes the fellow is sitting because he can't see his hat over the top of the door. He hears only the loud splashing sounds of urination. When the guy comes out, the Texan asks him why he sits just to urinate. The man explains,"Well son, I just had a hernia operation, and the Dr. told me not to lift anything too heavy.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Butch
Date: 13 Dec 03 - 11:36 AM

A good looking rich guy walks into a bar, dressed to kill but with a head the size of a base ball.

The bartender asks if he was born like that, he said," No, never trust a genie in a bottle!"

He said that he had been tapped on an island when he found a bottle on the beach, as he rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted him three wishes. He said wish one was to be on his private 140' ocean crusier with a full crew, headed for one of his private estates to count his $500 million in cash and gold and $200 million in Swiss banks. "POOF" there he was. Next, since he was rich beyond his wildest dreams, he wanted a great body instead of his dumpy middle age self. He wanted great taste in clothing and never gain an ounce of fat regardless of what he might eat so that he could always look good. "Poof" so it was. HE could not think of a third request but the genie was really cute and he had not had sex in months. He told the bartender:

" When the third wish came all I could think of was sex, I asked the genie, How about a little head?"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Cluin
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 11:50 AM

Prostitute to man: "Hi handsome! Want to have sex?"

Man to prostitute: "Sure. But only if you do it like my wife does."

Prostitute: "I can do it in any way you want it, baby. How does she do it?"

Man: "For free."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Mickey191
Date: 19 Dec 03 - 11:48 PM

Irish Farmer was feeding his pigs one day, as he moved around, 3 one pound notes fell from shirt pocket. Before he could pick them up a pig had them swallowed. He took the pig to the vet & was advised that some Irish whiskey might help the pig to spit the notes up. Off he went to the pub and ordered a triple shot of Jamesons. He gave the pig the first shot and gave a little kick to the pig, & up came a pound note. There was an English tourist watching the procedure, he offered the farmer 50 quid for the pig. Farmer ignored him. He poured the second shot down the pig's throat & gave a little kick & up popped a second pound note. English man offered 100 quid for the pig. Once again he was ignored. The farmer poured the last shot, kicked the pig & the last note was popped out. English tourist says, "I'll give you 500 quid for that pig." Farmer says, "He's all yours."

A week later the farmer is reading the local
paper. The headline caught his attention:                  
ENGLISHMAN JAILED FOR KICKING A PIG TO DEATH

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 04:57 PM

Castro hears that there's a delegation from the Galapagos Islands coming to visit. He's delighted - especially when they arrive and they have a present for him! A cute little baby Galapagos turtle!

"This is gorgeous," says Castro. "Cosita linda!"

The Galapagos Islanders are glad he likes the turtle. "They can live for 400 years," they tell Castro. His face falls.

"Oh, that's the trouble with animals," he says. "You get so attached to them, then they go and die on you."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Seaking
Date: 20 Dec 03 - 07:24 PM

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelmimg.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave , don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:


"Dave, you're a vet..."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Amos
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 12:59 AM

>Bush in Hell
>
>One day in the future, George Dumbya Bush has a heart attack and dies.
>He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
>
>"I don't know what to do" says the devil. "You're on my list, but I
>have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
>you what I'm going to do. Believe it or not I've got some folks here
>who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
>have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
>
>Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first
>room. In it was Ronald Reagan and the Pacific Ocean. He kept swimming
>to shore, but was pulled out by the tide over and over again. Such was
>his fate in hell. "No," George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good
>swimmer & I really don't think I could do that all day long."
>
>The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a
>sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
>hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my
>shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
>day," said George.
>
>The devil opened a third door. Inside, Bill Clinton was lying on a bed
>with his arms tied behind his head and his legs in a spread eagle pose.
>Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush looked
>in disbelief and finally said, "Yep, I can handle this."
>
>
>The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,Mickey191
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 03:37 AM

Priceless Amos! LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Gareth
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 10:18 AM

Found this bit on another webpage - Enjoy !

Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All Done? Check your answers below!













ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ








1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.



What do you mean you failed?

Gareth

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Naemanson
Date: 23 Dec 03 - 10:06 PM

The old farmer came into town for the first time in years. One of the astonishing sights he saw was a bright shiny grocery store. He wandered in, doubt and cynicism on his face until he spied a pile of boxes labeled "Powdered Milk". He stood there amazed at the thought of never having to tend to his cows, no more early rising to feed and milk them, no more cutting hay, no more shoveling the manure out of the barn. He went on and stopped at a dispaly of powdered eggs. He thought about how much he would like to get rid of his laying hens. He would just keep a few chickens for meals. He would no longer have to defend the stupid birds from foxes and coyotes, no longer have to gather the eggs every day, no longer have to clean out the hen house. He wandered on, wonder in his eyes, till he saw a display of baby powder. He looked at it and said, "Nope! The old ways are best!"

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 12:43 PM

The holiday season is a time to enjoy family dinners, office parties, and get-togethers with friends. Festive drinks and tasty punches often contribute to the holiday revelry, so here are some tips to help you celebrate sensibly:


If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.

Always drink from the bottle labeled "XXX." The bottle with the skull-and-crossbones on the front is poison.

Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody's bullshit.

Drinking more than seven nights a week is not just irresponsible, it's impossible.

If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.

Never drink with Tyler Schneeklov.

While standing in the middle of the road at 3 a.m. yelling expletives at your ex-girlfriend, wear light-colored clothing so motorists can see you.

Once you get married and have kids, stop drinking tons of whiskey and switch to drinking tons of wine.

Always re-cap your flask between swigs. This lengthens the amount of time between drinks.

Don't mix alcohol with stereotypes. If you are Irish, drink rum. If you are a pirate, drink whiskey.

Don't drink and drive. Disregard this if you happen to be one of those people who drive better drunk.

If you suddenly find yourself impaired by alcohol, prevent any social awkwardness by informing all those present that you profoundly love them, and that you never get this drunk.

Never use alcohol to escape feelings of failure and loneliness. Use Vicodin.

Before heading out to the office holiday party, tape a handcuff key to the inside of your watchband. Just trust us on this one.

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 01:08 PM

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family's Christmas dinner. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Any New Jokes?
From: GUEST,pdc
Date: 24 Dec 03 - 06:45 PM

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

   Christmas with Louise

   As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.

   I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?"

   Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

   On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

   The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

   My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

   My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

   The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

   It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

   I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out.