DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: DougR
Date: 26 Aug 00 - 08:10 PM

The only one I know, and I hope I'm no repeating one already written.

There once was a couple named Kelly, who had to sleep belly to belly, because in their haste, they used library paste, instead of petrolium jelly.

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Aug 00 - 11:13 PM

Whoa! Got another new one...

An old sailor from Island of Skye
Downed a 50 ounce bottle of rye
And when it was done
He said "That's nothing, son
Yesterday I drank Canada dry!"

And as for the insane physicist....

An insane physicist from L.A.
Tried to measure the whole Milky Way
First he ran out of tape
Then his lab rats escaped
Now he's deep frying cod in Bombay

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: hesperis
Date: 27 Aug 00 - 02:29 AM

LH - Perfect ending! (Mine wasn't funny.)

Carol - That is beautiful. It has a haiku 'feel' to it, even though it's not in a classic meter for haiku. (As far as I remember...)
I'm saving that one!

Classic haiku form is:
3
7
3

Classic extended haiku form is: 3
7
3
7
7

(FYI in case: the numbers given here represent syllables. (Hopefully I've remembered it somewhat correctly. It's been a long time since Grade 9 English.))

Here's one of my best poems, posted just for you:

butterfly
bright flutter of wings
and then gone

~*sirepseh*~

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 27 Aug 00 - 02:48 AM

Thanks hesperis, and thanks again.

I wrote that in a creative writing class in one of my earlier college experiences a number of years ago. The assignment was to write a poem with this form:

2
4
6
8
2 (syllables)

The teacher called them haiku, but everyone tells me that it is not a haiku. Some have suggested that it's a cinquain, but I honestly don't know what it is. (Can anybody out there help?)

Yours is beautiful too.

Carol

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Banjer
Date: 27 Aug 00 - 04:39 AM

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress
But when she got there
The cupboard was bare
And so was her daughter, I guess!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
They each had a buck and a quarter
When jack and Jill came down the hill
Jill had two dollars and fifty cents
Bet they didn't go up for the water!

Hicory Dickory Doc
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The other two escaped with minor injuries
Film at eleven

Subject: Limericks etc.
From: Brendy
Date: 27 Aug 00 - 04:48 AM

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her Alsatian some bread.
But when she got there,
The cupboard was bare,
So she ate the Alsatian instead.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumps over the candlestick.
Silly boy. Should have jumped higher.
Goodness gracious, great balls of fire

Ther was a young lady from Tottenham,
who'd no manners, or else she'd forgotten 'em.
For at tea at the vicar's,
she tore of her knickers,
because, she explained, she felt hot in 'em.

Little Miss Moffat sat on her toffet,
her knickers all tattered and torn.
It wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
but Little Boy Blue, with his horn.

B.

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 27 Aug 00 - 05:31 AM

We got trouble
Right here in River City
That starts with T
And that rhymes with P
And that stands for... poetry

-Garrison Keillor

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Aug 00 - 12:19 PM

Another new one!

Egbert, a lascivious duck
Tried mounting a parked poultry truck
He dismembered his balls
And got nothing at all
But a chorus of indignant clucks

This is the productive way I spend my mornings...

Ah, here's another....

Doon the street staggered Willie MacBride
Wi' a bucket o' booze by his side
Said he, wi' a grin
"If water was gin,
I'd swallow the whole River Clyde."

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: little john cameron
Date: 27 Aug 00 - 06:28 PM

Here's ane ah wrote fur mah pals on the Dundee site.

There wis a wee man fae Dundee
went oot tae the sheuch fur a pee
when a bg double decker
ran ower his pecker
noo he's no he,he's a she. ljc

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 Aug 00 - 11:28 PM

A deranged chiropodist from France
Went bike riding without any pants
The effect of the seat
Gave him such prickly heat
As to kill any chance of romance

If a woman should chance to insist
On a bauble she just can't resist
Let her man be quite certain
That like Richard Burton
In the end he will bend to her list

If a rat were just merely a mouse
He would live in a much smaller house
And not being a rat
Might fall prey to a cat
While out trimming the hedge for his spouse

These limericks just go on and on
Like the trail of some hideous spawn
In a volume of Lovecraft
Adrift on a liferaft
At the brink of Cthulhu's dark dawn

Yowsa! I like that last one.

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: WyoWoman
Date: 27 Aug 00 - 11:38 PM

This is all our rebellious, marginally adult way of saying "You're not the boss of me," isn't it?

There once was a feller on Mudcat,
Who tried Katlaughing to love-pat.
She sighed, "No, no, please
For I've started to sneeze
And ...

(Take it ... )

ww

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Troll
Date: 27 Aug 00 - 11:39 PM

Cthulhu For President!

Why settle for the lesser of two evils.

In London a newsboy named Grimes

Led young girls on to infamous crimes.

I deliver, he'd boast

Two Globes and a Post

And goodness knows how many times!

To his friend said the maitre'd hotel

My guests can all go to hell

What they do to my wife

Is the bane of my life.

And the worst is, they do it so well.

There once was a poet named McNameter

Whose mistress kept calling him amature

Said she,"Your technique,

Is too rough and antique,

And your rhythm's iambic pentameter."

troll

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 27 Aug 00 - 11:43 PM

Soulda been double dactyls.

Can someone please tell my who Cthulu is?

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Aug 00 - 12:41 AM

Cthulhu is the ultimate bad guy. He makes Darth Vader look like a snotty-nosed 10 year-old.

To explain further...there was once a writer of horror pulp fiction known as H.P. Lovecraft. He wrote a series of lurid tales which some people find scary, while I find them in one sense too verbose and tedious....and in another sense utterly hilarious. I think that Lovecraft was one of the great unintentional humorists of all time. One bizarre story was set in Antarctica, as I recall, and involved some inexpressibly ancient ruins and some gigantic penguins who could shoot electrical bolts out of their heads. These quasi-penguins waddled about the landscape uttering an incomprehensible cry that (according to the narrator...who of course was soon driven irretrievably mad...as happens to all the protagonists in Lovecraft's tales...) where was I? Ah yes, the cry vaguely sounded like "Tek-E-Li-Li".

Now I ask you, what could be more horrifying than that?

But I digress. Lovecraft created a mythos of an incredibly ancient time prior to the present age, in which the "Great Old Ones" ran the Universe. Cthulhu was the Big Daddy, the Grand Enchilada, Numero Uno among the Great Old Ones. They could destroy entire worlds with a mere twitch of a psuedopod, and frequently did.

Lovecraft's great fear was that these Old Ones, with Cthulhu leading the charge, would be reawakened by some bumbling fool and would turn our entire reality on its ear, with results too hideous to even describe, let alone contemplate.

My favourite Lovecraftian passage is:

"Terrible beyond description was the change that had come over my old friend Crawford Tillinghast..."

The unfortunate Crawford Tillinghast (what a name!) later "ran screaming from the room", which is something all Lovecraftian hero/victims do at some point, prior to their final, awful, incomprehensible demise.

Does that do it for you?

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Troll
Date: 28 Aug 00 - 12:54 AM

CarolC: Double Dactyls wouldn't scan.

Little Hawk: Thanx for the Cthulhu exposition. Personally I like Lovecraft but only in small doses. His writing style is fairly typical of the time in which he wrote(early 20th Century) but his sunject matter was quite daring for that time. Poe comes to mind as a major influence. I don't know of anyone else who was writing that kind of stuff at that time who is still being read today.
I believe he corresponded a lot with Robert E.Howard and encouraged him in his writing.

troll

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 28 Aug 00 - 12:58 AM

I'm going to have to check me out some of that there Lovecraft. That penguin one sounds like it would make a great movie.; )

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 28 Aug 00 - 01:05 AM

Troll, you caught me. I don't know enough about poetry to understand your response. I only learned what double dactyls were after Seamus Kennedy mentioned them and I looked the term up in my dictionary. I thought it might be a good rythm in bed (so to speak - ahem)

Carol

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Aug 00 - 01:07 AM

Yes indeed. There was one movie made around a Lovecraft story. I think it's called "The Dunwich Horror" or something like that, and it's actually rather good.

Troll is right that Lovecraft was really ahead of his time. An imaginative fellow, for sure. His style is pretty topheavy by today's standards...but intriguing.

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: The Shambles
Date: 28 Aug 00 - 03:40 PM

A Little Titian

If you want your portrait done
Go to the man who's number one
Where do I place my commission?
Do I ask Picasso?
Or Michaelangelo?
No, Venice is the place to go
For a little Titian

Don't want to appear, in no Vermeer
Or the 'Laughing Cavalier'
Idiot grin, frozen in, one position
Poor Franz Hals
He should ask his pals
As to just how?
You get a little Titian

I could have asked Van Gogh
But he took the (y)ear off
Well surely, there was a man with a mission?
But a year in Provence
Is not the Renaissance
When all one wants
Is a little Titian

Well I'm no prude
But to be painted in the nude
To stand up and shed my inhibitions
Like 'The Venus Of Urbino'
In a cold studio
Is that why she shows?
Just a little Titian

Don't want to hang in the Louvre
I'd prefer to be on the move
Go around the world in a travelling exhibition
But The Uffitzi?
Would maybe suit me?
For there I could see
A room full of Titian

Among kings and heads of state
Amongst the good and the great
Philosophers and mathematicians
You, won't want my face
Hanging around your place
But you'd find the space
For a little Titian

Roger Gall.

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Aug 00 - 12:20 PM

If you thought you got rid of this thread
And assumed it was finally dead
Then you're in for a shock
Cos this thread's like a rock
And it just landed right on your head!

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Biskit
Date: 30 Aug 00 - 12:57 PM

@@ / ~ ~ Peace -Biskit-

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Aug 00 - 01:07 PM

The thread merrily goes on and on
From the dusk to the following dawn
A gross comment from Spaw
And then Hespy says "Aww...!
I'd have thought the goddamn thing was gone!"

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Aug 00 - 01:29 PM

Okay, got it at last...

There once was a feller on Mudcat, Who tried Katlaughing to love-pat. She sighed, "No, no, please, For I've started to sneeze, And my heart's out at sea on the mudflats."

Or how about..."and you've all the appeal of a muskrat"?

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Troll
Date: 30 Aug 00 - 11:36 PM

Hawk started this thread just like most
Of it's length he has reason to boast.
But we should warn him that,
If he messes with kat,
She'll have him for breakfast. On toast!

troll

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: mousethief
Date: 31 Aug 00 - 06:50 PM

This from the magnificent BBC radio show, "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue." It was written by the four 'panelists' one line at a time.

While studying physical science,
Make use of this handy appliance.
You strap it on thus,
Then get on a bus,
And you'll find you have plenty of clients!

O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Aug 00 - 08:46 PM

There's a thread at the end of the day
Where the Kat and the Little Hawk play
While Brendy gets trendy
And sometimes unfriendly
But what the hell, he's still okay

Ya-ha-ha-ha...

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: hesperis
Date: 31 Aug 00 - 09:01 PM

Little Hawk - Do you realize you put me in a couplet with Spaw?!!!
This is really not good...

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Aug 00 - 09:29 PM

Hmmm...yeah, I see what you mean.

Perhaps we should perform an exorcism, or something like that.

Standing on one's head and reciting any 3 chapters of the Necronomicon backwards is thought to be quite efficacious by some circles. Besides, if you can survive that, than nothing can threaten you....right?

You could always buy a gas mask, just in case, over at Barnett's Surplus, I think it's called. They've got gorilla restraining devices too. Quite useful, I hear. I bought 3 of those, just to be on the safe side, cos Mike Latter has been threatening to send his gorilla over, due to the silly messages I've been leaving on his answering service.

Hmmm...hang on, there's something at the window. Be right back...

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Aug 00 - 10:09 PM

tsk...been gone two days and had almost forgotten I posted here,,,

CarolC...I have almost never written a limerick..I have improved a few...*grin*...and consider myself a conniseur (sp),,,maybe Ill look up some favorites

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: hesperis
Date: 31 Aug 00 - 10:10 PM

I don't know the necronomicon, LH!
Circles of White Light are good for keeping things away, if not that, there's always throwing down a comb and having it turn into a forest, stuff like that.
(I don't know if they'll keep the smell away though...)

Anyway.
Here's to this thread:

A musician, when stuffed full of gin,
Was heard to declare with a grin
"I'll play 'em all,
Big to quite small,
But the instrument I love best, is skin."

Is that twisty enough fur ya?

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 31 Aug 00 - 10:19 PM

Ooooo...I like it. Sounds like a drummer, maybe?

Hell of a struggle at the window. I'm still putting my feathers in order. That Mike has his nerve.

Here's another:

This thread really rates as the pits
And gives serious mudcatters fits
But if you like a limerick
And don't mind the gimerick
Then you'll probably love it to bits

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 01 Sep 00 - 12:11 AM

Little Hawk, poet
come write your words
The threads are enormous
the wait is absurd
But where is the Little Hawk
who's thread won't sleep?
He's of on another thread
ready to creep


HA! I did it!


Call me poet!
I know it
My feet show it
They're both Longfellows

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Sep 00 - 11:58 AM

Your feet may be long, to be sure
And for long feet there's simply no cure
But a pair of nice shoes
And a jug full of booze
Can amend the effect, be assured!

Ha!

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Sep 00 - 09:12 PM

Poor old Brendy, he just dropped his bucket
While alone on the road to Nantucket
He got so damn confused
On account of the booze
That he bit one and and forgot to suck it

Sorry, just couldn't resist! If I could have, would I still be on this thread? Whaddya mean, I've got no self-control???

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: sophocleese
Date: 01 Sep 00 - 09:48 PM

Little Hawk! What on EARTH have you been doing? I don't pay any attention to this thread for awhile and I come back to find you mentioned Cthulu, If I'd only known...Ah I'll have to get out "The Dream quest of Unknown Kadath" again now.

An author they called Lovecraft
Wrote stuff that his friends called daft
He wrote of such terror
Because of his error:
He learned not enough of love craft.

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 01 Sep 00 - 10:54 PM

Soph, how did you know that??? Of course, it was the poor mans TOTAL lack of success with the opposite sex that slowly drove him utterly made, and caused him to concoct weird stories, thus securing his immortality in the hearts of lovers of gothic horror (I think that's what it's called...am I right?).

There was also Clark Ashton Smith, a far better writer in my opinion, but I hate his stories because his heroes always end up doomed. I prefer heroes who triumph against the odds.

I invented a fictional writer called Herbert Paisley (H.P.) Lusthouse. He reputedly began writing similar tales after his great-uncle, Sir Snidely Tillinghast, went mad, following an encounter in the Antarctic with a gigantic flock of perverted penguins who were engaging in mass coition out on the icepack. Sir Snidely and his crew were so horrified by what they saw that their minds became permanently unhinged. The weaker crew members returned to civilization unable to control their compulsion to engage in group sex at the slightest provocation. They were all sequestered in sanatoriums, after causing much social chaos. The stronger members either blew their brains out with Navy revolvers, or retired to their country estates, never to emerge into public sight again.

H.P. Lusthouse also had absolutely no luck with the fair sex whatever, and poured his frustrations into ever more lurid stories that kept Weird Tales rolling merrily along.

How we suffer for our art!

By the way, Cthulhu is now running for president. His campaign slogan is: Why choose the lesser of two evils?

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: hesperis
Date: 01 Sep 00 - 11:16 PM

Why choose the lesser of two evils?
Maybe 'cause I'd rather be f*cked than f*cked up.

You really wanted to know that. ;)

(I think I should have reset my cookie and come in anonymously for that.)

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Mbo
Date: 01 Sep 00 - 11:33 PM

Hesp, you gotta stop letting this stuff slip out! ;-)

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: GUEST,yum yum
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 08:12 AM

There was an old lady from Fife,Who was dyslectic most of her FILE.

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 08:35 AM

I took your advice about shoes
And I drank that jug full of booze
But it didn't stay down
Now I look like a clown
And barfing just gives me the blues


(startin to get the hang of it...)

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 12:52 PM

God, Hesperis! ROTFLMAO!!!! Sounds like a good line of reasoning to me. Got any free time? :-)

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: flattop
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 01:28 PM

Now that's horribly romantic from a man of so many words.

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 02:04 PM

You want romance? I've got a 25 verse song that will knock yer socks off. To type it all out right now, though, would be more than I can handle, and would put me in danger of carpal tunnel syndrome, so forgive me if I don't.

Remember, handsome is as handsome does. Same goes for romance. Mmmmmm....

Life is good.

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 02:09 PM

Oh, good limerick, Carol! Way to go!

There once was a drunkard from flushing Who got dyslexic due to his gnihsul...

Sick, isn't it?

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: hesperis
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 02:30 PM

See, this was why I wanted to reset my cookie...

flattop - thanks.
Mbo - shaddap! ;)
LH - what is this thing, "free time", that you speak of?

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Mbo
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 03:14 PM

Aw nutz, struck out again!

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 07:21 PM

Mbo - there's always next inning. Don't despair.

There is a place called the Free Times Cafe in Toronto, and it's a good folk club...but they charge a cover! What the heck! There's a lot of false advertising out there these days...that's for sure. There was also this band I heard of (true story) called "Free Beer". They played sleazy hotels and bars all over Ontario, mostly in smaller towns. On the night they played, the place would put up big letters on the sign outside saying "Free Beer tonight from 9:00 till 1:00 am". They never failed to fill the house...for a while, anyway. Their audiences were the absolute worst ever...and that's not good.

Hey, it was a joke, okay? Flattop, you are not my conscience...Allah be praised!

Moving on...

A Bohemian plumber named Paul Tried to turn off Niagara Falls He failed utterly Was swept out to sea And died trying to unplug a squall

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: thosp
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 07:58 PM

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Mbo
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 08:12 PM

Yikes, looks like it's the bottom of the 5th for me. Thank goodness it isn't softball...

Subject: RE: DON'T POST TO THIS THREAD!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 02 Sep 00 - 09:50 PM

Well said, thosp. You won't get in any trouble that way.